tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post4729950565198711591..comments2024-01-24T08:02:32.708-05:00Comments on The Queen and King: Is Spanking or Whipping Child Abuse?Gretel Ellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399915088073772365noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-55319113218815959492015-03-05T16:38:59.702-05:002015-03-05T16:38:59.702-05:00During a behavioral science class discussion short...During a behavioral science class discussion shortly after the video aired, one coed observed what the mother did and what the father did was the difference between a spanking and a whipping. Much to my surprise, several other young women in the class nodded in agreement. The assessment offered by the coed was later confirmed when,despite repeated promptings by a talk show host, the daughter refused to condemn her mother's hitting the seat of her jeans with the same belt the father had used. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-38852746950452812422012-06-10T13:35:52.790-04:002012-06-10T13:35:52.790-04:00Yes, smacking/ spanking is abuse. It is never ever...Yes, smacking/ spanking is abuse. It is never ever OK to hit a child. Parents can fool themselves with thinking it's discipline or 'for the good of the child', but it never is. It's the parents who's lost control, can't cope, or lashes out. And they can hide behind 'discipline' to make themselves feel better. <br /><br />One of my mother's friends was talking how upsetting she finds those child abuse adverts. But then went on to say 'I mean I can understand when you've had a really bad day and you smack.....' completely not understanding the irony. It's the parents job to stay in control, and if the smacking depends on the parents good or bad day, it's the parent at fault, not the child. <br /><br />Smacking is humiliating, invalidating, doesn't teach children healthy emotional expression and can escalate into worse abuse.<br /><br />It's also linked to self-harm, where the child learns to associate pain with being 'bad'. <br /><br />When someone says 'Well I was smacked and it didn't do me any harm, I don't see anything wrong wiht it!' I say, 'Well it did, because you think smacking kids is OK'.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-69751711689174536282012-01-18T13:59:51.715-05:002012-01-18T13:59:51.715-05:00HI Gretel - I just wanted, first, to say "tha...HI Gretel - I just wanted, first, to say "thank you" for this courageous blog. I've spent all day today reading it, and I think it can help my children very much. I was married to a woman with undiagnosed bpd for about 7 years after a whirlwind engagement - we knew each other about 4 months before we were married, and I was quickly "in love" and wanted to rescue this poor wounded bird from her terrible life and family, who were so evil they were warning me to be careful where she was concerned. How I wish I'd listened. But I was young, in love, and full of myself - hopefully not to the degree your father was, but enough to be drawn into this relationship and once it became hell on earth to keep hanging in there believing that things could improve - they cycle went to calmness and affection often enough to give me false hope - as a strong Christian I just didn't believe in divorce, and it wasn't until I started to fear for my children's safety and started to really understand the toll this was taking on them that I finally ran for the hills with the kids. So first off, thank you - I think your blog may help them come to terms with all that's happened. The oldest is 14 now, was six the last time she was under her mother's care for an extended period, but still struggles emotionally with the situation and with her own feelings of guilt and worthlessness. She needs validation like this, please don't stop.<br /><br />Second, I agree 100% that what was in that video is horrific abuse - but is not at all representative of effective use of spanking as discipline. The girl is 16 - spanking her?! wth? My son is 9 and I don't even consider spanking with him anymore. The window when spanking has a real and lasting effect is really about 4-8 depending on the child, and what you describe is exactly the way I believe it should be done - the child should know that choosing the behavior is choosing a spanking and it is about correction, not a parent's anger or frustration - if it is, that is a recipe for rebellion. <br /><br />Anyway thanks - I'll go back to lurking. I'm commenting anonymously as we are back in court on these aforementioned issues once again - her crusade against me continues at high cost to the kids....Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-85067369381944849122011-11-10T22:35:14.680-05:002011-11-10T22:35:14.680-05:00I was equally shocked with the people saying that ...I was equally shocked with the people saying that this form of "discipline" is okay-- and that their parents did the same thing to them. Say what!? <br /><br />I like your list of things the parents should have done. I wonder if they are the reactionary type rather than proactive types. All of the things you listed take thought and planning... as well as supervision and time. Many parents these days are too busy for the proactive parenting so they end up frustrated and irritated and fly-off-the-handle after the fact. <br /><br />Thanks for stopping by-- love your comment and contribution. All my best~Gretel Ellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12399915088073772365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-8327091490226721562011-11-10T14:11:58.820-05:002011-11-10T14:11:58.820-05:00I did watch it, and agree with all of your stateme...I did watch it, and agree with all of your statements. I was a bit horrified at the comments attached to the video that I watched suggesting she set her parents up. EVEN IF SHE DID, the parents are supposed to be the ADULTS in the situation. She was obviously pretty sure of what she was going to get on tape.<br /><br />I'm not saying that she did this, I AM SAYING THERE WAS NO EXCUSE FOR WHAT I SAW ON TAPE. Now an occiasional swat (with a hand) on the butt a couple of times in life may be approrpriate. <br /><br />Here are some responsible things these "parents" could have done:<br /><br />1) not allowed their child to be on a computer unsupervised<br />2) taken away the power cord, and be sure that the computer was only in use for homework, letting her know they would pop in and out during that time period.<br />3) having a computer in a common area only for her use<br />4) I don't know today, but one used to be able to do their homework without a computer. Certainly an option, and I am not sure that kids need online access even if they have a computer.<br /><br />I always like to view something before I comment on it, but was totally sickened by the total package of abuse as shown. And yes that "take it like a woman" comment struck me as bizarre as well. To me that means go find a bat, and hunt down the sucker that thinks they can do that to me!<br /><br />I bet some part of their "community" supports them.winterskiprincesshttp://my-family-sucks.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-57318564032130007822011-11-09T21:01:15.783-05:002011-11-09T21:01:15.783-05:00I don't blame you-- I had a HARD time watching...I don't blame you-- I had a HARD time watching it and it left me feeling awful for quite some time. And I pray for those daughters...Gretel Ellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12399915088073772365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-63750135103783813442011-11-09T16:43:50.626-05:002011-11-09T16:43:50.626-05:00Icant watch it. I hope they are humilated by their...Icant watch it. I hope they are humilated by their community. Poor daughters.<br />Monica<br />dtrsofborderlinemomsAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-29877023645356053772011-11-08T23:04:26.236-05:002011-11-08T23:04:26.236-05:00Excellent points... thank you for sharing. So much...Excellent points... thank you for sharing. So much to think about with this case. After I first saw the video, my head was spinning... and I have been thinking of it ever since. Thanks for adding more to the discussion. Much appreciated :)Gretel Ellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12399915088073772365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-41954996589794229332011-11-08T22:06:27.517-05:002011-11-08T22:06:27.517-05:00Additionally, the daughter said she was coming for...Additionally, the daughter said she was coming forward NOW because she wanted her father to get "help," she felt responsible for protecting her mother (the abuser) and her younger sister.<br />Can we say "Parentified Child?" Can we consider "Stockholm Syndrome?" This young woman despite her composure and articulate discussion has IMO a long, long way to go to truly heal.<br />How kind of mother to apologize. How we DO understand "Battered Women" and their apparent and real lack of options at times. However, the child DID NOT CHOOSE THAT RELATIONSHIP.<br />I do not trust abusers. I do not trust that mother. And I surely hope her daughter has someone unrelated to her "mother" who is looking after her financial as well as emotional interests.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com