tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post6577096898467870907..comments2024-01-24T08:02:32.708-05:00Comments on The Queen and King: How to Deal with a Critical ParentGretel Ellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12399915088073772365noreply@blogger.comBlogger77125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-20489494133901778412017-01-27T00:10:24.999-05:002017-01-27T00:10:24.999-05:00Thank you for this article. I have a very critical...Thank you for this article. I have a very critical, controlling, narcissistic and insecure father and my mother is passive (easily controlled and manipulated by him). Nothing me or my siblings did growing up was ever good enough for him and he was always emotionally abusive (at certain points in our teen years was physically abusive). Even now when we are in our mid 20`s and 30`s he still acts this way (except no physical abuse)<br /><br />I moved out with my boyfriend (now husband) almost 6 years ago and still get flack for it. And since I have moved out my dad has gotten even worse. He now makes a point to bully my husband and criticize his career choice. Nothing my husband and I do seems good enough for my dad. There has been so much negativity that my husband wants nothing to do with my parents (I don`t blame him because my dad has always been a jerk). Here`s the funny thing..my husband is a very loving and caring man (the opposite of my father) and my husband is a successful medical doctor. My dad had a decent job in Computing (he`s retired now), but because of my dad`s insecurities and narcissistic personality he just constantly puts down my husbands career choice and other doctors. It`s like he enjoys making others feel like shit. It hurts alot because my husband has done nothing wrong, but of course in my dad`s mind he just can`t accept my husband for some weird messed up reason (though it`s probably his insecure and narcissist personality) We shouldn't have to deal with this crap all the time. I`ve mentioned this negative criticism to my dad but he never seems to care or listen. <br /><br />I know that I`m an adult but the abuse and negativity still affects me. I feel that when I have children my parent`s will continue with the negative criticism and I just can`t handle it. They won`t change and I don`t want my children or husband to have to deal with that when they don`t deserve it. It makes me want to break off from my parents completely.<br /><br />I`ve tried to fix things but I don`t think that I can ever change my dad. This article was well written and it is helpful to know that others have gone through struggles as well. Thank you<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-12241451679813294622016-08-19T11:51:46.027-04:002016-08-19T11:51:46.027-04:00Thank you so much for this. I have a very critical...Thank you so much for this. I have a very critical mother and reading this article (and the many comments that followed) makes me feel less alone in dealing with it. I think you're right that the first step is to stop looking for her approval and accept I'll never get it--not to mention, learn not to internalize her criticism. I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one dealing with this so it has nothing to do with me in particular or my worth as a person. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-45817425458964117092016-07-01T03:11:56.870-04:002016-07-01T03:11:56.870-04:00Thank you. I have extremely critical parents and I...Thank you. I have extremely critical parents and I go to therapy for it. I'm an adult now but they haven't stopped. I find myself being defensive a lot. I also try to fix it. They will never approve of me and this article really helped. So much hit home for me. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-79955067871522221092015-12-16T21:18:09.752-05:002015-12-16T21:18:09.752-05:00My father is a failure financially, though he was ...My father is a failure financially, though he was a brilliant engineer when he worked for other companies. Almost went bankrupt three times. I bailed him out several times, though he still has tantrums and says very depreciating things about me to me. He now lives under my roof because he almost was left homeless with debts, but he believes he is an "elite athlete" intelligent, an expert, etc. etc. calls other relatives "weak" spoiled etc. he is 85, completely out of touch with human beings, put our child down in front of her, attacks me almost daily - verbally. I am counting down the days till he leaves my house for a diffent content or that he relieves himself of being around us "rednecks" and dies. Though he put me through college, it was with threats that I would amount to a burger flipper if I took a break….etc. etc. I have to pray to God every minute I am with him that I can blow off his sexist, mean, oppositional, decisive comments. He really is a failure as a father and a grandfather. My daughter is starting to hate him for all the mean things he says. He is toxic. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-44891660860675269772015-11-23T04:37:53.058-05:002015-11-23T04:37:53.058-05:00I just wanna say thank you! for posting this. This...I just wanna say thank you! for posting this. This did actually make me feel better. Its really hard to live with a critical parent who is always dissapointed by every decision you make. Especially when they bring up old mistakes that happened months and years ago(i find this actually funny sometimes, they just act like i havent learnt from it). Anyway, its not like its so devistating to have a judgemental parents per say. I mean there are worse things that could happened to us in the world its just it WEARS you down! Alot over the years. But your right, just because they decided not to chanage doesnt mean i cant change and i refuse to continue that awful cycle. I love them but ill love the people more who listens and works with me! and sees me as a whole both good and bad (not just the bad side). Thanks Again!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-75871478514776333382015-08-03T16:57:17.230-04:002015-08-03T16:57:17.230-04:00Well, at least I haven't got it as bad as some...Well, at least I haven't got it as bad as some people. My dad always critisizes EVERYTHING I do and some things my mum does. It's stupid. This has given me hope! At least I still have my mum beside me, she's loving and caring, but I've got to put up with this for another 6/7 years! I'll cope somehow though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-72049581572530425912015-01-26T22:59:29.810-05:002015-01-26T22:59:29.810-05:00You're welcome ... thank you for sharing!You're welcome ... thank you for sharing! Gretel Ellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12399915088073772365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-58207433356595762702015-01-22T11:19:31.308-05:002015-01-22T11:19:31.308-05:00Hi there. I found your blog the other day, started...Hi there. I found your blog the other day, started to read it and realized my parents are very similar to yours. I've been dealing with this for four decades too, and over the holidays I determined I had enough. I decided to see a therapist, which is the best decision I've made in a long time. She suggested I create a game for when I talk to my parents on the phone (we moved far, far away ten years ago.) When they push a hot button, I get a point. When I get enough points, I can reward myself any way I wish. That way, I get some enjoyment out of our conversations, because I score a ton of points every time they are bigoted, critical, backstabbing, oversharing, interrupting, etc. etc. I'm looking forward to a much happier life for myself by building better boundaries with my parents and trying to find the humor it it all. Thank you for your site. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-77109629415396729992014-12-01T07:27:51.236-05:002014-12-01T07:27:51.236-05:00This site and information is wonderful. Thank you....This site and information is wonderful. Thank you. <br /><br />I am much older than most of you, but am still "dealing" with a narcissistic critical father. I had managed to distance myself from him a bit, and then my mother passed away. I am an only, so have never had the heart to completely end my relationship with him. I am motivated by a desire to stave off feelings of guilt when he dies (he is 90). Like yourself and some of the others here, I have experienced not just extreme criticism of myself, but also of my children. I believe he knows that the way to really get under my skin is to attack my husband and children. I am conscious of a) not wanting my children to feel about me the way I feel about him and b)that I am teaching my children how to treat me as I age. So I tolerate a lot. He is after all the only family I have.<br /><br />I have found that over the years of constant attacks, I now view a lot of relationships through the lens of self loathing and insecurity. I have little confidence that anyone will actually like or love me (I am unlovable in my view). I don't bounce back from any sort of setback, I just see it as evidence that my father was right all along. I feel pathetic that I still have hope that one day I will do something to gain his approval. <br /><br />I too have been to therapy on and off for years. Some of it is helpful. What I have found helpful is finding that there are others who are going through life struggling with this. Thank you all for sharing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-84843115695010770532014-08-27T01:59:28.019-04:002014-08-27T01:59:28.019-04:00As for my father, he just never saw me as a person...As for my father, he just never saw me as a person at all. When he was a child he wanted to play the accordion, but his parents said no. I wanted to play the flute and was told by him that I did not want to play the flute, I wanted to play the accordion. They even called the dentist, who said I couldn't play the flute because I had an overbite. That is so ridiculous that in hindsight I think they faked the call to force me to do as they wanted. My dream was shattered. I caved in and did as I was told. Later, I tried to get out of it but my mother told me that my father was so disappointed in me and that I better stop and think about what I'm doing to my father. Not once did they ever stop and think about what they were doing to me. I hated that accordion. I hated it then, hate it now, and will hate it until the day I die. As for my brother, he wanted to play the drums and they let him do that, then he wanted to quit the drums and play the guitar. Sure, no problem! He got to have his dream, but I couldn't have mine. It may seem like a small thing, but it was huge to me. Even to this day, I don't like to tell people what instrument I played as a child because the minute they find out, they make fun of me. People who play the accordion get made fun of. Thanks parents, for a lifetime of that. Why could they not see that I had dreams and hopes?<br /><br />I have taken some positive steps. I did not let them force me to drop out of school. I learned to draw boundaries. My father has this habit of hearing "yes" when you have clearly said "no" to something. I have learned not to budge and remind him that I clearly told him "no". I have drawn a clear line when it comes to my children. They are not allowed to compare them to anyone and I tell them that my children are wonderful people and others would be glad to be more like my kids. That shuts them up quickly. When they try to compare my parenting to my brother's and tell me that I should be more like him, I have learned to shut them down. The "what's wrong with you?" of my childhood has been tempered, but they still try once in a while in more subtle ways. As for the flute, I started flute lessons three years ago. I have a wonderful teacher and it has been wonderful to follow one of my passions. It isn't always easy, I don't always want to practice and I'll never be as good as I could have been had I started earlier in life, but it has been liberating. And the look on my parent's faces when I told them I was taking flute lessons was beyond priceless. Shock and shame was written all over them. They knew exactly what they did to me and knew that this time I was was the one with the power to control my life, while they were powerless. I have also learned to speak up. I don't have to keep silent, I don't have to accept what they did. I can tell the truth about what they did. I can draw boundaries. It has taken me forever to learn that my opinion has value, that I can speak up, that I don't have to accept what they throw at me. I am still so very angry at what they did, which is why I am here, but I am learning.<br /><br />Perhaps what they did doesn't seem so bad compared to the horrible abuse I know many of you have suffered. I work with children who have been abused every day and know some families are horrendous. But this is my story and constantly being belittled and told "what's wrong with you, why can't you be more like so-and-so" has taken a huge toll on my life. I am coping, I am getting better at standing up for myself, I finally realize that the world won't end if I stand up for myself, I know that the world won't end if standing up for myself makes my parents mad at me. I know that I have value. But it still hurts.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-58845408296889397272014-08-27T01:57:10.033-04:002014-08-27T01:57:10.033-04:00I came across this article as I was researching pa...I came across this article as I was researching parents who criticize. My parents have both been toxic in their own way. I was never good enough for my mother. When I was a child I was always compared to a girl in my class who was the teacher's pet. Dawnie (their nickname for her) does this, Dawnie does that. Why can't you be more like Dawnie? What's wrong with you? The phrase "what's wrong with you was a constant mantra. When I surpassed this girl academically, my mother found someone else to compare me to, when that person got pregnant in her teens, while I was successful in school, it switched to someone else. When I entered the university and my cousin went to technical school, it was "why can't you be more like him? What's wrong with you? Nevermind that he was sponging off his parents, skipping class, spending the day in bars and getting high, while I was earning good grades. Nevermind that he spent 7 years working toward a 2 year degree and never quite got around to getting that degree. <br /><br />When I was accepted to law school, my mother told me that I'd better not go to law school and that if I dared to go to law school, not to expect a single penny from them. I had held jobs since I was 14, worked all through high school and college, and had paid for over half my education with my own earnings. My parents contributed some, but looking back and considering what college cost back then it was much cheaper than now) they probably spent less on me than if I had lived at home. Not that I am ungrateful for their contributions, but still, I was responsible and contributed, too. In any case, I attended law school and they were true to their word. The sad part is that for me, it was not even about the money. Had they told me they were proud of me, but that they couldn't afford it anymore or even just that I would have to pay for it myself, that would have been just fine. It was the fact that my mother tried to force me to drop out of school and didn't care in the slightest about my future that really hurt.<br /><br />Now I'm successful, with a career and a husband and children of my own. I have tried to raise my children differently, though I know I'm not perfect. My oldest is now looking at colleges and the process has made my old issues with my parents resurface. I was talking on the phone to my mother the other day and she started to become critical of my daughter. I became angry and brought up the fact that she had tried to force me to drop out of school. She denied it. Then she waffled. Then she said that I wasn't really as alone as I thought I was. That comment simply confirmed the fact that she certainly remembered what she did to me and that she had tried to make me feel alone and totally without support, so that I would do what she was trying to force me to do. I am now so incredibly angry. Again. There was no apology from her for what she had tried to do to my life, nor do I think there ever will be an apology.<br /><br />As for my father, he just never saw me as a person at all. When he was a child he wanted to play the accordion, but his parents said no. I wanted to play the flute and was told by him that I did not want to play the flute, I wanted to play the accordion. They even called the dentist, who said I couldn't play the flute because I had an overbite. <br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-67799802283647058502014-06-09T17:31:32.649-04:002014-06-09T17:31:32.649-04:00I'm in tears reading these comments.. I don...I'm in tears reading these comments.. I don't want to hit my forties, sixties, seventies still being in tears whenever my mother is around. Every conversation with her turns into an argument or her insulting me about my hair, weight, clothes. I am desperately trying not to become the critical person that she is, as much as I love her and admire other qualities about her. Her criticisms hurt the most. Ironically enough, my dad is experiencing something similar with his mom (my grandma) that led to them no longer speaking. I don't want to ever NOT have a relationship with my mother, but her attitude towards me gets exhausting. I've been suicidal & self-mutilating in my teens because of girls who bullied me & spread rumors in high school; I lived through the years of that only by God's grace & love but at 25 it doesn't help that my mother is now the "bully". Everytime I try to tell her how her comments and words hurt me, SHE gets angry and starts shouting & screaming at me. You can almost see the steam coming out her ears, like in those cartoons. I work at the company that my mom is CEO of, for a summer job and (which extended into me working there after I finished college, because the company wanted me to stay to fill a position). At work she criticizes me and says "I'm not your mother here I'm your boss" but funny enough her words to me at home don't differ much when she's "mother". I've prayed for months on end for a new job and I'm currently in the transition out of this job (thank god) into a new one in an industry I love; advertising. My mom recently made a statement about my hair and I ended up changing hairstyles just so she'd stop taunting me, and today, in my last week before y new job, she's going off about my NEW hairstyle; she said "finally" when I first did it n now she hates it. I am tired & frustrated. I'm an only child, and a young girl who just wants a relationship with her mother (I grew up with my mom alone), but she makes it very painful to be around her. I tell her of my successes, she forgets. I tell her about things going on in my life, she either forgets or says I'm being too sensitive. She doesn't even remember the name of the company I got the new job with 3 wks ago. I'm afraid she'll never get it or change. I don't know what to do next because I don't want to go down the road of totally removing her from my life.Thttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14797533125551106900noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-83233206237288020462014-05-31T23:20:32.681-04:002014-05-31T23:20:32.681-04:00Your welcome :)Your welcome :)Gretel Ellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12399915088073772365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-18644067785376286592014-05-29T17:12:19.535-04:002014-05-29T17:12:19.535-04:00Thank you.Thank you.Scott J. Pearsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14733870727117706688noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-45217576894310856412014-04-23T13:38:53.966-04:002014-04-23T13:38:53.966-04:00I am very sorry to read about the situation in whi...I am very sorry to read about the situation in which you are living. Do you have a close family member or friend in which you can confide and with which you can speak? Do you have a counselor at school in which you may confide and with which you can speak? I recommend not using social media in which to vent-- instead find a trusted source in to which you can relay your emotions and feelings. Stay strong and positive. As with everything in life, this shall pass and brighter days are ahead. Keep believing in yourself. Gretel Ellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12399915088073772365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-39510480495085247782014-04-14T10:59:47.729-04:002014-04-14T10:59:47.729-04:00Hello, I'm Jeremiah, 15 yrs. old, and I live w...Hello, I'm Jeremiah, 15 yrs. old, and I live with critical family members.<br /><br />All of them are being very critical and strict towards me. Since I'm the youngest of the family, they always expect me to become quiet when I being scolded, think & act maturely, and they always blame me even though I do not did something wrong. Since I was in 3rd Grade, I always cry but all of them are angry at me when I vent all my anger and my emotions , so I have to keep my emotions and secretly vent it out on social media. Then whenever I'm being scold, I cannot vent my feelings because it's a sign of disrepect. But they disrespect me too. What should I do now, I always cry secretly on my bedroom and sometimes I need to coverup my feelings.<br /><br />Thank you very muchAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07294935512100384450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-34066182317650186452014-02-01T21:42:32.932-05:002014-02-01T21:42:32.932-05:00thanks so much. i guess i kinda came to the inter...thanks so much. i guess i kinda came to the internet for comfort. my dad has been criticizing me since before i could even remember. when he begins to put me down in front of my mom, she agrees maybe because she is afraid to say any thing against him. my dad has physically abused my mom 4 times since i was born. the first time was when i was 5 and i can still see it happening in my head. i know now why i would always come to him when ever i achieved anything knowing he was only going to say something hurtful. im in college now and he refuses to give any money or cosign a loan for me to dorm. therefore im a freshman at college and im living in this hell. i try to distance my self from him but what ever i do he always seems to find something to say back that used to kill me a little inside. some times i just want to scream. well i just wanted to say that this was very helpful and i will keep coming back to it for support.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-9453404861436052232013-12-28T06:16:06.130-05:002013-12-28T06:16:06.130-05:00thanx , it really helped me a lot.thanx , it really helped me a lot.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-14010511329784825752013-08-17T21:38:38.250-04:002013-08-17T21:38:38.250-04:00Thank you so much!! All this seems obvious on the ...Thank you so much!! All this seems obvious on the face of it... but the more I think about every point I can see how effective this is... I feel frustrated that I dint come across this earlier... myself having to deal with an over critical father who couldn't appreciate my college, life or anything I did... this has surely helped me and will continue to do so :) Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-26472992971699612782013-04-03T23:09:36.147-04:002013-04-03T23:09:36.147-04:00You are so welcome <3You are so welcome <3Gretel Ellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12399915088073772365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-47473044868534923312013-04-03T23:09:19.513-04:002013-04-03T23:09:19.513-04:00You are so welcome <3You are so welcome <3Gretel Ellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12399915088073772365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-48314212163749313932013-04-03T23:09:05.116-04:002013-04-03T23:09:05.116-04:00You are so welcome <3You are so welcome <3Gretel Ellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12399915088073772365noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-82542199756470578422013-04-03T15:25:14.293-04:002013-04-03T15:25:14.293-04:00We have such similar stories! You're definitel...We have such similar stories! You're definitely not alone, and at least we will never turn into our critical parents.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-51404442441864414132013-04-03T15:22:39.426-04:002013-04-03T15:22:39.426-04:00Thank you for this beautifully written, articulate...Thank you for this beautifully written, articulate and insightful article. <br /><br />I've grown up with a father who was always, and continues to be, extremely critical of me and my mother. He's called me lazy, and constantly criticises and implies that I am, and this has become one the biggest factors affecting my life that I feel I am not good enough for. I know I am not, I know that in my heart, and I have and am capable of achieving a lot, but because the things I do do not match up with what he thinks people/I should do, I devalue myself. I find myself doing things just to please him, which he never sees. For many, many years now I try to avoid which ever room he's in in the house. I believe he had a difficult and critical childhood, but because he is not reflective, he does not see to break this pattern. The reflective and sensitive people here are the ones who will, and will have warmer, loving and stronger families and relationships for it.<br /><br />There is never any need to hurt another person, emotionally or otherwise. Unconditional love is the most important thing a parent can show you, but a critical parent is oblivious to this. Criticism from them (in that specific critical parent way they offer it) means that their love for you is dependant on who you are and what you do. [How it makes the child feel, regardless of whether this is their intention]. <br /><br />Anyway.... just a big thank you for your lucid article! Such a help!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3774711327647583278.post-45001561836111357752013-03-19T18:34:31.144-04:002013-03-19T18:34:31.144-04:00Like everyone else, I am glad that I came across y...Like everyone else, I am glad that I came across your post and am relieved to know that I am not alone dealing with a critical parent. I was contemplating if I should start taking antidepressant yesterday. Thanks for sharing. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com