Enlightened Witness

The child of a BPD parent can be greatly helped by what Swiss Psychoanalyst, Alice Miller calls an Enlightened Witness. An Enlightened Witness is a person in whom the child can confide, or whom the child perceives as knowing what is going on. The Enlightened Witness lets the child know that what is happening to them, the way they are being treated, is not fair. The Enlightened Witness lets the child know that it is not them who has the problem but the parent. Often times we are mystified and wonder, "Is it me or is it them?" The Enlightened Witness says to the child, "It's them." The child is relieved to know that he/she doesn't deserve and isn't causing what is going on. The enlightened witnesses understanding and validation can help a child preserve the child's sanity and soul (Markham's Behavioral Health).

Did you have an Enlightened Witness? If so, who was it? How did this person help you during the challenging times? If an Enlightened Witness existed in my childhood situation:

• Father: he could have and would have been; however, my Dad lost credibility in my eyes when the divorce was initiated as he went through my mother's things behind her back, talked poorly about my mother in ways that seemed to be brainwashing and manipulative, and exhibited behavior of the scorned lover. He seemed to be doing all he could to get back at my mother for having an adulterous affair with his friend and ruining his family life. All of this was obvious to me even at only 12 years of age. Ultimately I didn't trust what he said, as I didn't trust what my mother said either. I have spend years trying to sort out who was telling the truth during that nasty divorce. SO, even if his enlightenment were in fact true, the support that could have been healthy was tainted by this own dysfunction.
• Family friend: my parents also had a friend who sided with my Dad during my parent's vicious divorce. During the divorce proceedings, she testified against my mother about how she treated my brother and me as she was witness to our household for many years. She definitely could have been an Enlightened Witness; however, she came across as someone who would say anything to help my Dad's cause... so she was tainted as well. She had no hesitation when talking poorly about my mother, but her intense and angry position seemed forced and thus not sincere. Additionally, she was a drug and alcohol addict, which further discredited her stance. She died from a lethal mixture of prescription drugs and alcohol shortly after my parent's divorce was initiated.
  
• Grandmother: my paternal grandmother did help to answer questions I had about my mother BUT she didn't offer up any REAL enlightenment or support. She was very careful about what she said and did, trying not to trash talk her. She was the grandparent that I would ask, "I am not like my mother, right!?"... "I am not going to turn out to be like my mother, am I??" And she would always hug me and say, "Oh honey, no dear, you are you. You are nothing like your mother". This was perhaps the only things ever really said about my mother by her but those simple words DID indeed help me to keep believing in myself and to keep myself separate from my mother.
• Aunt: around 13 years of age, I was visiting my Aunt and asked her some point-blank questions about my mother, but I don't remember the information she offered. I know that she confirmed some of my observations as well as some of the information I had heard in the past about my mother. Since she lived across the country and we didn't communicate on a daily basis, we didn't foster the Enlightened Witness relationship. I am sure, however, that if she did live closer where we saw each other more often, she would have been a tremendous positive impact on my life.
  

So what about ADULT children who haven't had the blessing of an Enlightened Witness? The Enlightened Witness doesn't only let you know that 'it's not you, it's him / her', the Enlightened Witness VALIDATES the experience. Without that validation, which the self-absorbed parent won't give, the child and / or the adult child is left to search, question, and wonder about the origin and perpetuation of negative experiences.

I have searched for decades for this validation. Neither of my parents would talk about my childhood-- my mother wouldn't because she said it's inconsequential to whom you are as an adult and my father wouldn't because he doesn't want to remember. So, as an adult child of a confusing, abusive, and neglectful upbringing, without the Enlightened Witness and the accompanying validation, years of deep soul searching and digging for answers is the possible result.

Thank goodness for books like Christine Ann Lawson's... thank goodness for those who are also searching and reach out to contribute their stories which aid in validation of your own... thank goodness for blogs, comment boards, and groups pertaining to the topics. Even though I may not have had an Enlightened Witness during the formative years of life, I certainly have plenty of validation, support, and love at this stage in my life. I hope you are able to find that as well... and I hope that this blog provides validation, support, and love to those who are searching or need to communicate with someone who has been through the same type of situation.

May your life be enlightened, validated, and happy.