Effects of a Borderline Personality Disorder Mother on Her Children

So what is your diagnosis? It is impossible for you to have been raised by and been witness to such disorder and not be affected yourself. Have you been honest and written an article about your diagnosis and treatment, or do you consider yourself not disordered in any way and somehow just rattled by it all and not ill yourself? What is your cluster and are you honest about it?

That excerpt was from an email that I received. I don’t know if the nature of the email was sincere or confrontational; however, I thought covering the topic provides value for those attempting to climb out of the trenches of their own personal war. As I have stated before, adult children of BPDs are *war veterans* in every sense of the word, and your psychic landscape no doubt looks something like what's left after a bombing attack.

Through the last 5 years of writing this blog, I have covered the effects of my upbringing and parental relationships. I always searched for my part in the relationship's challenges-- as every relationship takes two. I would analyze and dig deeply to assess my accountability in the estrangements. And time and time again, I was never angry or resentful or even bitter-- always sad that broken relationships surrounded my family. I also wished that our family could be a happy family that shared in successes and supported during failures. But most importantly, I always accepted that these were the cards that I was dealt, and I would manage them to the best of my abilities. 

Parents are the people we look to nurture us and keep us safe. When a parent abuses a child,  the  impact is life-long. My childhood was very confusing, very destructive, and very tormenting. My childhood left my brother and me treated carelessly, with conditions on love, and orphaned. And I think dealing with the emotions, feelings, and memories is crucial to being a healthy, happy, and productive adult. I thoroughly believe that our choices are guided by our internal subconscious shaped by our past experiences. And that internal subconscious can be a positive or negative force depending on the presence, amount, and condition of the scars.

Before we delve into the effects of the relationship with my BPD mother on me, the following are the four BDP mother categories and effects on their child(ren): 

The Witch

• Children live in terror of BPD Witches' capricious moods; they are the "collateral damage" of a secret war they did not start, do not understand, and cannot control.

• Attacks are random, intense, and cruel. Children automatically think they're at fault and can become shamed, depressed, insecure, dissociative, and hypervigilant.

•  As adults they may have multiple difficulties with self, relationships, physical illness, and even post traumatic stress disorder.

 

The Queen

• To the BPD Queen, children are a built-in audience expected to give love, attention and support when the BPD Queen needs it. Children feel confused and betrayed when their normal behavior is sometimes punished (according to the BPD Queen's needs of the moment). 

• As kids grow, conflict with the BPD Queen increases. Underneath, these kids long for approval, recognition, consistency, and to be loved unconditionally for who they are, not what they achieve.

The Waif

• They feel angry, afraid and alone.

• Children may feel like failures for not making the BPD happy, or they may keep trying and trying until the mother's death. This enmeshment (inability to separate) may hinder grown child's relationships, which may be fraught with dependency.

• The child may become cynical, angry, and feel manipulated or turn into over-responsible nursemaids seeking elusive approval.

• The message to children is that life is something to be endured until you die.

• The BPD shelters children to such an extent they find autonomy disconcerting.

The Hermit

• During adulthood, they suffer from many maladies stemming from trapped feelings such as panic attacks or phobias.

• Children not encouraged to explore and learn can become anxious when faced with new situations. They may not learn appropriate coping skills, give up control too easily, have a hard time trusting, and be less capable of naturally moving away from the parent.

My mother is the "Borderline Queen Witch" who married the "Narcissistic King". Borderline mothers are make-believe mothers living in darkness needing the rescuer husband. In particular, my borderline mother is characterized as the Queen, and the 'darkness' that lies within the borderline Queen is 'emptiness'. "Her inner experience is deprivation and her behavior evokes compliance. She is demanding and flamboyant and may intimidate others. The Queen feels entitled to exploit others and can be vindictive and greedy. The Queen's emotional message to her children is: Life is 'all about me'" p 38 Lawson. The Witch hides within my mother as a "temporary ego-state", and makes appearances at times quite frequently but can hide for periods of time. The Witch's darkness is annihilating rage with the message to her children: 'life is war'. 

I have worked very hard over the decades to be a healthy and happy individual, at peace with life, as well as productive and prosperous. Through an open mind and an open heart, I have been successful. I have seen psychiatrists from childhood onward, and I have never received a diagnosis of a psychological disorder (a psychological disorder, also known as a mental disorder, is a pattern of behavioral or psychological symptoms that impact multiple life areas and/or create distress for the person experiencing these symptoms). Although I have not had a formal diagnosis of a disorder, I have had issues to work-out and resolve.

I am very thankful for the wonderful friends that I have had through the decades who would listen for hours on end about MANY whys and questions. They are partly responsible for keeping me grounded and focused.  Besides finding answers through my friends, I have read books like crazy. And when the Internet became more and more of a comprehensive tool, I have used it to connect with others like me and to research even further. Then, I started to blog, which allowed me to take all of this information out of my head and put it somewhere else... AND most importantly, help others like me to sort out all of the jumbled mess that happened in the past and create an understanding of it all. Ultimately, no-contact was the healthiest alternative for not only myself but my child and husband too. 

Part of my being at peace and being able to overcome the effects of a BPD mother is due to the research that I conducted about personality disorders, communicating with others who have experienced mirror situations, support from friends / family, writing down all my history with accompanying analysis, and more. I count on myself for my happiness, peace of mind, and understanding of this world.

The following are the effects of the BPD / NPD dysfunctional toxicity on me, which some are still present (hyperawareness for example) but some have been overcome (insomnia for example): 

Hyperawareness

With the survivors of trauma and abuse, this hyperawareness is a defense mechanism. "A nearly universal characteristic of survivors is excessive emotional hypersensitivity... hyperawareness of body language, moods, and 'the meanings behind the words' is a highly functional defense mechanism" p 166 Evans / Sullivan. In regard to the BPD parent:

• One must be on defense for the next attack, so keeping a vigilant eye on her behavior is vital: She has that look in her eye again; I need to stay away. Her body language is saying she's in a 'witch' mood, I better hide. She is becoming more and more aggressive with her language today; she is probably going to verbally attack me today.  

• Trying to sort-out the confusing and twisted behavior creates a need to collect as much information as possible to try to figure out her behavior (past, present, future). Seemingly, every action or word spoken is another piece of the puzzle.

With these observations of body language, eye contact, verbal communication, many times the child of the BPD questions their own perception of that is transpiring. Is the BPD really that bad? Perhaps the meaning behind the actions / words is being misread? Maybe the BPD doesn't really mean to act or say those things, and maybe I am the one who has the problem? "Children of borderlines may spend their entire lives trying to understand their mother and themselves. They are preoccupied with sorting out the meanings of interactions, studying their own perceptions, and questioning the intentions of others" Lawson p 302

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2012/03/hyperawareness-defense-mechanism-then.html

Fight or Flight

I am generally a calm, cool, and collected person BUT whenever I have a potential confrontation, actual confrontation, or cause of concern related to my parents, my body immediately reacts. I get shaky, I feel sick to my stomach, I get out-of-breath, and my mind runs a million miles an hour. After decades of ...

• wondering when the next blow-up is going to happen or 

• what I am going to be falsely accused of next or 

• what is being fabricated about me now or

• having my parent(s) confront me with the next "we have to sit down an talk" scenario

... my body is sent into a tail-spin when my parents are discussed relative to me. This 'tail-spin' is fight-or-flight which is defined as the set of processes that occur in the body when it is confronted with some form of physical or mental stress. The nervous system signals for adrenaline and other hormones to be released into the blood which prepare the body either to confront or flee (thus, “fight or flight”). Changes in the body include increased heart rate, dilated pupils of the eye (to improve vision), and increased supply of blood to the muscles (to prepare the body for action).

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2012/03/fight-or-flight-with-parental.html

Insomnia

Growing up in an environment with a borderline personality mother and a malignantly narcissistic Dad compounded by a period of simultaneous major-life-stessors (moving, death of grandmother, death of grandfather, parental divorce, parents remarrying), I developed several symptoms of stress. Insomnia was one of the resulting symptoms, which when your sense of safety and trust are shattered, having difficulty falling asleep is a normal reaction to abnormal events.

I can remember the EXACT night that the insomnia started in 1977 when I was 9 years old. Most anxious children do not have a specific event that triggered their anxiety, but some do. Certainly some situations can be anxiety producing, especially those that disrupt the child's sense of structure and order in their world (parental divorce, deaths in the family, trauma, moves) WorryWiseKids.org

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/childhood-insomnia-resulting-from.html

Mental Scars

A seminal 1992 American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) report defines childhood abuse as "a repeated pattern of damaging interactions between parent(s) [or, presumably, other significant adults] and child that becomes typical of the relationship." In addition to physical, sexual and verbal abuse, this can include anything that causes the child to feel worthless, unlovable, insecure, and even endangered, or as if his only value lies in meeting someone else's needs.

I wasn't left unscarred from my childhood trauma. I have battled insomnia during peak times of childhood trauma. I have battled anxiety throughout my life, waiting for the next bomb to explode in my family. I have sought acceptance and attention from my parents that I will never achieve in receiving. I have searched, researched, dug, and sought understanding of my past, with which my parents have never assisted (my mother is irrational when speaking of the past, and my Dad 'doesn't remember' because he 'doesn't want to', which neither helps when trying to gain peace with the past).

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2010/12/what-is-childhood-trauma.html

Toxic Guilt and Anxiety

Guilt trips are a very powerful tool, and I had a challenge with guilt trips and toxic guilt from my parents for many decades. In addition to the guilt, I started to have symptoms of anxiety starting in the mid-late 1990's. I believe the anxiety is a result from the long-term guilt I was experiencing compounded by the post traumatic stress that I experienced from the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and emotional abuse from my parents' personality disorders.

When you're brought up in an environment where you have been unfairly blamed for the wrongs of others, emotionally abused, or pitted against one parent by the other, the adult child may not have the ability to stop feeling guilty-- this is toxic guilt. Absorbing feelings of guilt, accepting blame, and being passive contribute to the guilty feelings. This early pattern of accepting other's guilt creates difficulty with stopping feelings of guilt about the past.

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/08/childhood-passport-filled-with-toxic.html

Loneliness

Through the years I have felt like something is missing. I felt like I have been searching for something from my mother and Dad-- some sort of answer. And recently I had an epiphany: I don't feel like I belong to a family. I feel like I am an adult orphan. Prior to my parent's separation (You Dropped a Bomb on Me), I felt like I belonged to a family: my Dad, mother, brother, and me. Additionally, I had a deep relationship with my maternal grandparents, which both passed away (1977, 1977). Shortly after the announcement of my parent's separation (1979), that feeling of belonging started to erode away. I haven't been able to put my finger on the feeling until just the other day when I was looking at my daughter and feeling such pure love and joy looking in her eyes-- I belong with her & my husband, she & my husband belong with me, I have family across the country is very loving & supportive- we are a family, and I belong. I haven't had that since I was 11 years old.

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/08/not-feeling-like-i-belong-to-family.html

Shame

As an adult child of two parents with personality disorders, I knew when the abuse was actually going on that some after-effects would be experienced later in life. Although I was able to endure the abuse, I knew I deep-sixed some of the feelings. I remember thanking God for giving me a head on my shoulders to know that the abuse was my parents doing-- that what I was going through was a product of their manufacturing. Even so, I knew that somewhere down the line, feelings or results could emerge. Both my BPD mother and NPD father wielded shame well with their emotional abuse, and I exhibit residual effects from the abuse I endure from my BPD mother and NPD father. 

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/03/understanding-my-borderline-mother.html

If you are an adult child of a BPD mother, what are some of the effects you have experienced? What have done to over-come these effects? 

Disney and the DSM-IV | Could Rapunzel's Mother Gothel Have BPD?

When I first saw "Tangled", I kept thinking that Mother Gothel acted and reacted like my mother. So many similarities exist between Mother Gothel and my mother (including their appearance!) that the movie really hit 'home' for me. Manipulative, evil, jealous, arrogant, greedy, selfish, rude, vain, and spiteful are just a few of the words one can use to describe Mother Gothel. She looks after herself  and doesn't care about anything else. She's also extremely theatrical, and melodramatic, loves her own jokes, and is narcissistic enough not to care if nobody else gets the funny bit. Even the song, "Mother Knows Best" rang a chord for me, with the lyrics so poignantly descriptive of my mother's guilt-ridden, controlling, and manipulative verbiage: 

 
Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know?
I only bathed and changed and nursed you
Go ahead and leave me, I deserve it
Let me die alone here, be my guest
When it's too late, you'll see - just wait
Mother knows best


So, without further ado, give the following a read (even if you haven't seen the movie). Love it!
________________________________________________

 
Rapunzel! Rapunzel! What can the woman in your hair teach us about borderline personality disorder (BPD)?

As a villain, Mother Gothel in Disney’s Tangled is unique.  She’s not motivated by revenge, greed, or lust for power. Gothel, terrified of growing older, is motivated by fear. As a result, she begins to display symptoms of BPD- to the point where she will literally die without Rapunzel and her magic hair.

What are the Symptoms of BPD?
    
According to the DSM-IV, there are nine criteria for BPD. In order to merit BPD diagnosis, the patient must meet five of them. According to HealthyPlace, the criteria are:

• frantic efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment (not including self-harm or suicidal behavior)
• a pattern of intense, unstable relationships alternating between idealization and devaluation
• persistently unstable self-image
• impulsivity in two self-damaging areas (drinking heavily, spending too much money, driving too fast, etc.)
• recurring suicidal behavior or threats
• unstable mood
• chronic emptiness
• inappropriate, intense anger
• stress-related paranoia or dissociation

I believe Gothel would meet criteria 1, 2, 3, 6 and 8 were she a real human. So, as an example of one way BPD can manifest, this is a hypothetical case.


Criterion Two: Gothel’s Two Views of Rapunzel

Early in the movie, Gothel attempts to dote on Rapunzel: telling her she loves her, making her favorite hazelnut soup, even leaving on a three-day journey to make a special paint. However, when Rapunzel asks to leave the tower to find out why floating lanterns appear in the sky on her birthday, Gothel refuses. Her “adorable” daughter is now “sloppy, underdressed, immature, clumsy” and too weak to handle herself. Gothel’s needs determine how she views Rapunzel.


Criterion Three: Gothel’s Identity and Rapunzel’s Views

Gothel repeatedly tries to convince Rapunzel that she has her best interests in heart. She excels at playing the victim card, repeatedly saying “Great, now I’mthe bad guy.” As long as Rapunzel believes Gothel is her mother, Gothel seems to believe she is. Only when Rapunzel finds out the truth does Gothel quit the charade.  “You want me to be the bad guy?” she growls. ”Fine.  Now I’m the bad guy.”


Criteria Six and Eight:  Gothel’s Anger and Happiness

Gothel ‘s emotional state depends entirely on Rapunzel’s. If Rapunzel is happy, so is Gothel. She needs Rapunzel to be happy in order to be happy, and becomes depressed or angry whenever Rapunzel is unhappy. The more curious Rapunzel becomes about life outside the tower, the more angry Gothel becomes, resulting in an argument ended when Gothel screams “You are not leaving this tower–EVER!”


Criterion One: A Manufactured Crisis

After Rapunzel leaves the tower, Gothel pursues. Upon finding that Rapunzel is happy about her choice to leave, Gothel quickly enlists the help of two thugs. As the thugs attempt to kidnap Rapunzel, Gothel double-crosses them and knocks them out with a piece of driftwood. If manufacturing a crisis in order to appear to be the rescuer isn’t a “frantic effort” to avoid abandonment, I don’t know what is.


The Cost of BPD

What would be ironic in real life is justice in an animated movie. Gothel perishes in one of the most creative and memorable death scenes in a Disney movie. In a way, Gothel died because she was unable to accept herself. Gothel had to be young and could not live any other way.

However, we don’t have to share that fate. According to NAMI, BPD is highly treatable. Whether it’s DBT or schema therapy or some other therapy, there is hope for recovery. We can learn to accept ourselves and accept the ups and downs of life.

We can get the villain of BPD out of our hair.

 

Reference:  Disney and the DSM-IV: Could New Villain Have BPD? | More Than Borderline

Borderline Mother Alienates Daughter

One would think that my life would be filled with the love and support of family, having a mother, birth father, adoptive father, AND step-parents. My life is quite the contrary. Throughout my life my mother has manipulated and molded my life to suit her emotional needs. With "loyalty not a choice" for their children, Queen borderline mothers can be "vindictive when enraged, emotionally bribing and blackmailing others" Christine Lawson p 111. Here is how my Borderline Personality Disordered mother manipulated my life to the point that relationships are tarnished, splintered, and shattered... alienated.

I was born to a mother and my 'birth' father, and at a few months old, my mother divorced him in order to marry her high school sweetheart. He adopted me, and that is whom I call my Dad. My baby album and baby book were both altered, and absolutely no evidence of my birth father remained. This is the first example of Parental Alienation Syndrome used by my parents. No words were spoken about this birth father, but I did know about him. I didn't care-- my Dad was my Daddy, my father, and whom I loved. All my memories from the earliest are with my Dad.

When my mother had an affair with my Dad's best friend (late 1970's / early 1980's), and the tumultuous divorce happened (You Dropped a Bomb on Me), my mother moved into an apartment. If you read in the blog about the divorce and all the craziness that happened, my mother and Dad had a very dramatic, confusing, and hurtful divorce that involved us kids (Parental Alienation Syndrome). They both were going after each other with all they had-- which included using the kids to hurt the other.

Well, when I went to visit my mother for visitation when I was 13 years old, my mother, OUT OF THE BLUE, says to me one afternoon, "I know how to get a hold of your birth father. Would you like to speak to him?" I was taken back by the question but curious. I remember entertaining the notion, and we did speak to him for a short phone call. After that, I had no interest whatsoever talking to him again. LITTLE DID I KNOW, my mother used this information -- that I was in touch with my birth father-- to hurt my Dad. She leaked the information, making sure he found out. And I didn't find out until recently how much that hurt him. My mother is ruthless.

Now, later when I moved in with my mother as a teenager, she again pushed the idea of communicating with my birth father. What her motive was, I don't know for sure, but I feel like she was trying to 'right a wrong' (taking his baby from him and and abruptly leaving him the way she did) by getting me back in touch AND trying to hurt my Dad even more. Funny, but I was not interested in the least in getting together, talking with, or whatever with my birth father.

During a vacation with my mother and step-father, I got a case of food poisoning VERY BADLY. I was very ill on the drive home as well, but my mother insisted that we drive by where my birth father lives, in the dark of the evening, and meet him and his family at a McDonalds. Remember how much I have used the word 'bizarre' in my blog posts?? Well this meeting epitomizes BIZARRE. I didn't have much to say, and I was like an animal on display at the zoo. After eating some burgers, we got back in the car and were on our way again.

My mother definitely had an agenda.

When she and I had an estrangement when I went off to college (she claimed that I didn't love her because I came into town and didn't call her: Out of the Nest), she proceeded to call my birth father and his family and tell them ALL KINDS of outlandish things about me. She told them outright lies, very awful things (campaign of denigration). Why in the world would a loving, caring, and supportive mother do this type of thing to her child!? BAFFLING.

She certainly tried to create a wedge between my Dad and me, from the point I moved in with her in high school onward. She tried as hard as she could to discredit our relationship, make him seem so evil (nicknamed him Captain Nasty), and would become enraged if his name was even brought up. Parental Alienation Syndrome exampled again. Also, I think she has tried to alienate me so that I am dependent on her-- trying to guarantee that I wouldn't leave her. The hallmark of Borderline Personality Disorder shining brightly.

She has also brought up the fact that I have a different father than my brother to my brother at stunningly inappropriate times. First of all, why bring it up anyway--she created the deception from the very beginning! Second of all, I love my brother with all my heart & soul. I don't care of he's full or half blood, but why bring this up if it's not necessary!? Third of all, now that we are adults, and I know how I want to conduct MY life, I don't want to talk about the issue PERIOD.

Well, my mother hadn't seen my brother in TEN years when she went into the hospital for a pulmonary embolism in 1999. I flew my brother to see her as the condition could be fatal. This was the first time that my brother, mother, and me were all together in the same room in almost FIFTEEN years. So, we were all in the hospital room, and my mother was acting like Mr. Hyde. I don't know what got into her, but there she was in the hospital bed, being very boisterous, pushy, and rotten. I was trying my hardest to get my brother to the hospital in between working and so forth, and during this particular visit, I had to get to work.

OUT OF THE BLUE, my mother brings up that I have a different father, and that my brother "is ONLY" my half brother. WHAT!? Excuse me!? I was floored. My brother means the world to me, and to have her even step into that area to try to put a wedge into my relationship with him-- HELL NO. I remember feeling breathless and wanting to put my hand over her mouth. What is her purpose!? Again, what is up with her!? My brother was stunned looking, kind of blank. But I quickly changed the subject, and my brother followed suit.

I brought this up with my mother later-- saying that I would appreciate allowing me to divulge information about my life, and in regard to this, there was no reason to bring this up. She reminded that my brother being a half brother is only a 'fact', and I agreed but added that if the fact is so innocent and neutral why did she take such extensive efforts to hide this fact for DECADES. My brother has enough going on in his life (and believe me, he DOES), trying to shatter his sense of family for no reason is ruthless. Not only that, he is my ONLY family that is the pure, honest, and unconditional love from my original family unit of mother, Dad, and brother.

Next, about 6 years ago, we were sitting out on my back deck when she said that she is upset with my Dad to this day because he left her. SAY WHAT!? She said that although she was having an affair with his friend, she had no plans to leave my Dad. She said that she was forced to tell my Dad when my Dad's friend decided to tell his wife (he was in a miserable marriage and wanted out). Anyway, my mother said that although she admitted the affair and wanting a divorce, she said that my Dad abandoned her because he walked away. She said that he could have asked to stay and that she reminded him of that, but he just ignored her and walked up the driveway. All of this is SO typical borderline! Fear of rejection and abandonment! Anyway, that's why she becomes so CRAZY when my Dad is brought up-- he did the unthinkable for a BPD... he rejected AND abandoned her.

Once I was older, she would continually say to me how we are the only family we have and how much we need each other. I would never respond because I didn't view things the same as her. Although she had cut off her father, sister, son, and more, I hadn't. I didn't have an isolationist point of view like she did. She also talked about her Will more than once, reminding me that she would take care of me because my birth father won't be, my Dad won't be... so, she reminded, I should remember that she is the only one I've got.

Well, as I mentioned earlier, my mother and I didn't see eye-to-eye on my wedding thoughts: Little Women. And on that day that she blew up on me, saying that she is out of the wedding, she shouted out that she was going to call my birth father and tell him that he and his family aren't invited to my wedding. WHAT AGAIN!? This is the point that I got PISSED as it's one thing for her to be mad, threaten to stay out of my wedding, or whatever, but when she starts to bring people into her crazy rage, that's completely uncalled for. In the past she's started a campaign of denigration through letter writing and phone calls, but this time she is threatening to meddle right to my face.

I asked her why she would WANT to tell them they aren't invited when NO ONE was invited to the wedding as NO wedding plans had even been STARTED! She said again, "That's it. I am telling them that they aren't invited" as if to egg me on to talk about them. I told her not to mess with my life, and questioned why she would even want to try to hurt people like that, especially since it's an outright lie. Once backed into a corner, she went back to shouting that she is out of the wedding. I was baffled at her outrage. I was baffled at how she decided to handle herself. I was baffled at her attack on me. I was baffled at how she suddenly changed from the loving mother to the wicked witch.

By the way, my birth father wasn't invited to my wedding. Why would he be? My Dad is my father. Not only that, he was contributing to some of the wedding expenses-- why would I show my appreciation for his generosity by having my birth father, who gave up his rights as my father so that my Dad could take care of me since I was an infant, attend my wedding (especially given we don't have a relationship)!? What a huge slap in the face that would be! And why is my mother so insistent on having my birth father, Dad, AND step-father all in the same place at the same time!? Can't she see how uncomfortable that would be for not only them but for ME!? She left my birth father for her high school sweetheart (flying out to see her high school sweetheart BEFORE she even asked for a divorce), cheated on my Dad with his best friend, and is now married to my Dad's ex best friend. Do you really think these men want to hang out together? Isn't my wedding supposed to be the happiest day of my life? Why would she want to put me in such a NO WIN situation? And that's what she was trying to do that day on the deck when she brought all this up. I walked out of her house that day, and I haven't talked to her since. She, however, started a campaign of vilifying me that hasn't stopped to this day.

Looking back at my life, my mother created my path by meddling in my life:

• Taking away my birth father by removing all evidence of his existence (creating the deception and the first alienated father)
• Having me adopted by Dad
  
• Trying to push my Dad and me apart by bringing my birth father back into the picture (taking the first alienated father to assist in alienating the second father-- WOW!)
• Continually discrediting my relationship with my Dad to the present day
• Starting a campaigns of denigration against me
  
• Attempting to have my step-father replace my Dad (forcing the relationship)
  

Each move she made, she effected my life by trying to alienate me. She seemed to try to position herself as the only family member in my life, to create a dependence on her, and to attempt to guarantee loyalty so that she isn't rejected or abandoned (Borderline Personality Disorder).

As an All-Good Child, "forced teaming is an effective way to establish premature trust because a 'we're in the same boat' attitude is hard to rebuff" Gavin de Becker p 66. The Borderline mother promotes teaming with the All-Good Child with comments like "You're just like me" or "No one else understands me like you do" or like what my mother would always say to me, "We're the only family we've got". The Borderline mother's need to "merge" with the All-Good Child can push the child away-- just as my mother has driven me away.

"The Queen mother instigates chaos and conflict and then enlists her children to fight the ensuing battles" Lawson p 257. The Queen mother treats her children like "subjects", and adult children may take years to have the courage to tell the Queen mother the truth of how they feel, which may cause huge eruption. When I finally had the nerve to tell my mother how I felt, she completely blew up and we haven't talked since.

I have never felt like I had an authentic relationship with my mother due to not being able to express my true feelings about my fathers, or when I have expressed my true feelings about my fathers my mother hasn't accepted my feelings. Alice Miller encourages grown children to express themselves to their parents, both anger and pain, to develop an authentic relationship but warns of the danger of such openness with a Borderline mother. I have had to suppress feelings about my childhood, my parent's divorce, and my past with my mother as my mother is irrational, conditional, and not accepting of my thoughts, memories, and feelings-- it's important to note that returning to the past for the sake of the future is so important: to live life with unrestrained love and joy, to find your real self and free will. I don't have validation from my mother, her love is conditional, and her actions are vindictive. All of this has lead to my feelings of not having an authentic relationship.

Although my mother tried to guarantee my loyalty by alienating my fathers, she failed to keep herself honorable in my life as she has lost credibility, trust, and love through her ruthlessness, conditions, and bizarre nature of her moves. She did manage to effect my relationship with my Dad-- and of course effect my relationship with my birth father by removing him from my life as an infant. Now that she and I are estranged, and I don't have contact with my Dad either, I feel very alone in regard to parents... successfully alienated as a subject of my Queen mother's rule.

Understanding My Borderline Mother

As the grown child of a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I am forever grateful to Christine Ann Lawson who authored Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship for shining a spotlight on this mystifying, tragic, devastating disorder. Was your mother an unexplainable enigma of hatred, abuse, wild mood swings, illogical behaviors and obsessions? Is the first feeling that you can ever remember experiencing as a small child anxiety or fear? Could you describe your mother as a controlling, manipulative, lying witch that left you wondering what the truth was? Does this sound familiar? If so, you need to read this book.

The truth is, children of borderlines do not hate their mothers, but in time, I think that they learn to fear them, and ultimately, hate can grow from deep-rooted fear. You cannot really love those you fear. The child of a normal mother can never understand this. Not in a million years. “If anything, it's the children of a borderline who are clearly the abused and deserve to love themselves and better themselves.”

The main feature of BPD is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive. This disorder occurs in most by early adulthood. The unstable pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person’s self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings, not just work or home, and often is accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in a person’s emotions and feelings. Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow. A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment-- the borderline in many ways is consumed with an all-encompassing rage and hatred that is inconceivable to most people.

My mother's irrationality and rages were the worst when it came to anything about my Dad. My mother especially has this hatred to my Dad, even after 29 years of divorce! To the last day that I talked to her, five years ago, she gets enraged just hearing about him. She claims it's because he left her-- that she gave him a chance to stay. I reminded her that she was the one to CHEAT on him with his BEST friend and then ask for a divorce. She said that she didn't intend on staying with my Dad's friend, but because my Dad's best friend told his wife, she was forced to tell Dad. And she said that she asked him to stay, and he walked up the driveway and left. So, to this day, she feels abandoned by him-- the fear of all fears for a person suffering from BPD-- and thus the reason for her severe irrational reactions if he comes up in conversation. Throughout my life, she looks for signs that I am "betraying" her with my Dad. She asks leading questions or comment about how I should or shouldn't do something that might involve my Dad, testing me to see where I stand.

• While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values.
  

My mother changed jobs frequently; shifted careers several times in several years, and would change complete groups of friends periodically by dropping all of her friends and associating with a whole entire new group. She also has dropped relationships with my brother, me, her sister, her father, and many others at a drop of a hat. She had these intense bouts of anger and depression, and later in years, used prescription drugs heavily.

• Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.
  

My mother always had a problem with either my Dad leaving (business trips, trips to see his family, extracurricular athletics) or her present husband (my step-father) going away. She stays home all the time, and presently has little to no friends.

Up until 1996ish, my mother was a go-getter and high achiever. After she was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease and the disease kicked-in, she became pretty much a recluse, never leaving the house except to go to the doctor. She has been successful in hiding her dysfunction from the public, and my step-father is so codependent he doesn't see any of it. He once tried to leave her and would spend hours discussing the plight he was going through with me. However, once the tables were turned and she directed her rage at me, my step-father had nothing to do with me.

• Borderlines do selfish things for their own good, and rob their children of happiness and a "normal life" in various ways. Borderline mothers tend to use their children, and their husbands, and then discard them when they are through with them. Borderlines destroy families and tear them completely apart, and they are not always victims. Many of them can destroy their entire family and extended family, and feel justified.
  

Why? Because they think they are "victims." But remember, this victimology is often one which they create out of pure mythos. They only see themselves as "victims" because they're too narcissistic to cope with reality, or else it's convenient to make yourself a victim when you've just hurt your loved ones in order to escape dealing with your own guilt and wrongdoing. This is not about borderlines being victims, it's about how they destroy those around them and create meaningless chaos.

My mother has been married three times, has no relationship with her children, treated her sister and father very carelessly, and tore our family apart from as early as I can remember. And all along, she has seen herself as the victim and has created meaningless chaos through crusades, conspiracy theories, picking fights, fear of abandonment, not getting her way, or selfish & irrational thinking.

• Borderlines are "crazy makers." People who get to know them end up damaged in some way or another. It's a fact that borderlines are not always psychotic, and their damage is often willfully inflicted on others out of sheer hate and malice.

My mother was always on a crusade. She will go after someone and keep on going until she has achieved her goal. Whether the crusade was having my 3rd grade teacher fired or the Dean of her university removed, my mother would spend countless hours scheming, planning, and going after their head. She will also occupy her time & thoughts with conspiracy theories: she believes my grandfather was murdered, and she thinks her mother-in-law was poisoned.

• Borderlines often inflict harm on their own children when involved in separations and divorces.
  

My brother and I were pawns through the divorce. We were put through incredible amounts of trauma and stress. Now, not all of the trauma and stress was from just my mother, as Dad had part in perpetuating and starting some of it; however, HE is the one who is losing his family because his wife was messing around with his friend. My Dad should have been angry, BUT they both should have refrained from using the children as pawns. On another note, my mother would drill us about my Dad, sitting us on the floor and asking all sorts of crazy questions. The mental abuse was intense, and even more intense for my brother who was even younger. The input was incredible to process and decipher.

• People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans.
  

My mother completely fits this description. As a young child, if my Dad had to take a business trip, she would completely fall apart or flip out. She threatened to lock herself in her room for the entire time. She would cry and cry upon receiving the news that he was going out of town.

In regard to me, she can completely love me and adore me ... and within the SAME DAY turn her back on me and not talk to me for years, telling everyone possible horrible things about me. She has treated my brother, her sister, her father, and others the exact same way.

• Fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthlessness. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments. I

When she was in college, she apparently attempted suicide, causing her to move back home with her parents.

• Borderlines make a person feel so loved, so secure etc., in the beginning (high value stage) and then a free-fall into insanity when the person completely morphs into a different personality, whom is cold, super angry, emotionally out of control and totally unreasonable and you find yourself lying emotionally wide-open, flat on your back, wondering what in the hell happened. (de-valuation stage).
  

Been there, experienced that many times with my mother! She was Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde from the earliest parts of our childhood on. She also would lock herself away, sometimes for days, leaving Dad wondering how he's going to care for us and get to work. My mother could turn her rages and sadistic behavior on & off like a light switch. She would instantly become "normal" the moment another person entered the room. My mother could be nasty as a snake to my brother and me and then turn it off and be sticky sweet to whoever is at the door or on the phone. Even at a young age, this behavior made me sick.

My mother went into hiding in her dark bedroom with Valium when Grandma died. And when she emerged, she relentlessly picked on my Grandpa, kicking him out of our house, an sending him a scathing letter that led him into a spinning depression. People in our family think my Mom ultimately had a hand in Grandpa's death (he died of a heart attack).

During the years in the 90's and 2000's when I had a relationship with my mother, she would brag about me, tell me how I am the best thing that ever happened to her, and sing my praises as if I hung the moon. But when she snapped (1990's due to a package I received from my Dad; 2000's due to not agreeing with my fiance and my wedding ideas), she took a completely different perspective within minutes. She went so far the other direction in her thinking that she was already saying derrogatory and awful things about me to friends and family within 24 hours of the time she snapped.

• A middle age person, whom is over-adoring and loving, but has a history of failed relationships is displaying a huge RED FLAG, because BPD's cannot maintain long term relationships unless they become involved with a co-dependent, who keeps "hanging in there" hoping for that person to eventually begin to act "normal".
  

In regard to failed relationships, she doesn't have a relationship with her sister, son, daughter; she had cut off ties with her father just prior to death; she completely cuts off a group of friends to start a new group and then cuts them off (cycle).

She has been divorced three times. Her second husband (my Dad) was a rescuer for my mother, and she, in turn, stroked his narcissistic ego: he being King Dad and she being the Queen Mother. My Dad is very narcissistic and is an entire topic on his own. My mother's 3rd husband was my Dad's best-friend with whom my mother had an affair. He is a passive man who takes her abuse-- and doesn't help to shelter the kids either. I have plead to my step-father for help from my mother's wrath, but he's never done anything-- rarely even said anything either. I think he was just happy it wasn't him for a change. I also think he saw a fun, happy, and excited woman during their first years together, and I believe he keeps waiting for that woman to emerge again. He hangs on to the hopes that she will return. The last time I communicated with my mother was 5 years ago, and at that point, she only had one long term relationship-- my step-father.

• People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex-- impulsiveness in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging
  

My mother is a shopaholic, and buys incredible amounts of stuff. She has purchased hundreds of hat boxes but she doesn't wear hats. She purchased hundreds of shoes but she rarely leaves the house. She has hundreds of Beanie Babies (sometimes duplicates or triplicates of some) in plastic tubs hidden all over her house. As far as the eating, she is very, very overweight and binges on food through the night. She stays up all night and sleeps all day, which BPD's often are insomniacs unable to be alone with their own thoughts through the night.

• BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.
  

My mother takes high doses of Prozac and other meds for depression.

Like many of the case studies cited in Lawson's book, my own mother behaved quite normally (and acted quite lovingly) toward me during cycles. Paranoia and rages were the other part of the cycles:

• She said if she could do it again, she wouldn't have kids
• She rarely showed affection. She would also get onto my brother and me if we said, "I love you", as she would scold us and say to only say that phrase if you REALLY mean it. She would never come to you and show affection. We would go to her for hugs and kisses. I remember trying to hold her hand in the movie theater and her pulling her hand away, looking at me funny
• She said that she has started estrangements with me to make sure that I could make it on my own (her fear of abandonment creates herself pushing me away)
• She accused me of multitudes of things I didn't do
• She viciously gossiped about me and talked about me to others in a horrible manner
• Her view of reality continues to get further and further distorted during the paranoid / rage cycle

While I truly DO feel sympathy for my mother, I do not feel empathy toward her. In my view, it is FAR too lenient to say, "Well, she simply couldn't help herself" because she could. My mother could turn her rages and sadistic behavior on & off like a light switch. She would instantly become "normal" the moment another person entered the room, called on the phone, or came to the door. My brother and I would get nauseated at how she could be so sticky sweet and truly fake. She has been this way her whole life-- and I think it's one of the reasons I never trusted or liked her, even as a very young child.

This element of self-control is the overlooked piece of the BPD puzzle. People who "suffer" from this disorder know exactly what they're doing when they behave in a sadistic manner. And they possess the genius, not only to hide it in front of other people, but to actually convince others that they are the "helpless victim" of the person whom they are targeting for such unspeakable abuse.

If you're a grown child of a BPD parent, my love and best wishes go out to you. You are a "war veteran" in every sense of the word, and your psychic landscape no doubt looks something like what's left after a bombing attack.

It's My Fault (1984 - 1985)

During the remainder of my time living at my mother's house, I was constantly accused of things I didn't do: a coffee stain on the 2nd floor wall near my mother's bedroom, liquor bottles watered down, having a party at the house, partying in a hotel room rather than stuck in a traffic jam at Six Flags...

These accusations were particularly ridiculous:

1. First of all, I didn't drink coffee (my mother did) and I resided on the 1st floor (she resided on the 2nd floor). So, with the facts in hand, who would be more capable of spilling the coffee when rounding the corner to the master bedroom? The coffee drinker going to her bedroom, or the non-coffee drinker that rarely went back to the master bedroom and resided on a different level of the house.
2. Second, when I was accused of watering down a liquor bottle one weekend, I wasn't even home that weekend. My brother was, but he wasn't questioned.
3. Third, I never had a party in my mother's house-- the neighbors could be asked, my friends could be asked, but she didn't do either.
4. Fourth, I went to see a concert at Six Flags and when the concert let out, a huge traffic jam accumulated in the parking lot. Taking my dimes, I called my mother every 15 minutes to let her know the status of the jam. I also asked her to call Six Flags to get updates regarding the bottleneck. When I arrived home late, I was drilled, being asked how was my stay at the hotel. I asked if she had called Six Flags to confirm the traffic jam, and she said she hadn't called. I also asked if I was partying in a hotel room, why would I take the time to call her every 15 minutes from a payphone.

With each incident, I was punished-- typically placed on restriction (either not allowed to leave the house or having an earlier curfew).

Just as much as I was accused of things I didn't do (and got punished for them), I had a hard time "doing right". I went out with my friend and his grandparents one night. We ended up at his grandparents house, and upon time to leave due to my curfew, we couldn't find his keys. I ended up 5 minutes late home, and although I pleaded with her to call the grandparents to confirm the search for the keys, my mother wouldn't call. She would rather believe I was disobedient.

My mother was terribly and embarrassingly flirty with my male friends and dates. She would strut with her tight jeans and high heels around them, making her eyes really big and batting her eye lashes. She would laugh this completely fake laugh and talk about topics inappropriate with a teenager. She acted inappropriately around my girlfriends as well, using vulgar language, engaging in talk of the opposite sex and alcohol, and acting like one of their 'friends'. “The borderline mother’s need for attention is so out of control and pathetic that it is frightening. Others are embarrassed for her. The Queen’s behavior elicits embarrassment about her need for recognition, attention, and control” p 255 Lawson.

As far as supporting me, she rarely, if ever, attended my sports events. I didn't feel as if she cared about my endeavors. When I was late at school practicing, I would call to get a ride home, but the phone was busy (this was in the day before call waiting). So, I would either have to make an 'emergency break-through' through the operator or wait for her to get off of the phone. If I used an 'emergency break-through', I would get in trouble for worrying her (between the time of the operator contact and the call back). However, if I waited for her to get off the phone, many times hours at a time, I would get in trouble for being late home or inconveniencing her to come get me (I had to walk several miles many times to get home after practicing my sport for hours after school). Her lack of support extended to getting me to my job as well. Many times I needed a ride to get to my job, but she wouldn't take me. I would have to arrange for other co-workers or friends to take me.

Relying on myself was typical. I was allotted a $7.00 a week allowance, which I was to use for all of my clothes, health & beauty products, sports equipment, and so forth. I wasn't able to purchase shoes for my sport, so my step-father would sneak some home for me. When my mother found out he had provided them for me, she would insist that I thank him profusely (which I did without her ranting to me about it). Honestly, I felt like a burden most of the time.

My mother went back to school, and during this time, she had no time for me. My brother ended up moving in with my mother at this time as well, and he felt the distance as well. We would write her songs to serenade her but she would get mad at us, saying we made her feel guilty.

She thrived (and still thrives) on drama and being on a crusade. When she went back to school, she instigated a group to get the dean of the college fired. She spent countless hours on this mission, and succeeded, but our family life greatly suffered. Also, when my brother moved in, my parents had to head back to court again. My mother turned in to that vicious beast again, going after my Dad's throat. She started the phone taping recording again and drilling my brother & me about my Dad. See subsequent blog post: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Another observation I made of that time that still holds true to this day is the cycle of friendships that she had. She would never (and still doesn't) keep friends for very long. She will have a group for a period of time then she ditches them, only to have a new group. After a period time, that group is replaced with another. “Although she can be socially engaging, the borderline can quickly turn on those she needs, leaving friends and family members perplexed. Discarded friends frequently ask themselves, ‘What did I do to deserve this?’” p 56 Lawson.

I couldn't stand how fake she was around people other than my brother, Dad, and me. From the time of my first awareness of people's actions, as a small child, I consciously disliked how she could be so emotionally void, glum, and mean to my brother and me-- then with the ring of the doorbell, (((( poof )))) there was a different mother. She smiled, was witty, and gave out compliments. All the sudden my brother and I weren't invisible anymore.

When I was little, my mother spent a lot of time on the phone, smoking and doodling. As a teenager, she spent a lot of time involved with drama and crusades. She would go out drinking with friends and come home crocked, barely able to walk up the stairs. She didn't present a good role model to my brother and me, and I can tell you that I never wanted to be like her. She dropped out of college, cheated on both of her previous husbands, was divorced two times, treated her children as if they are burdens (actually made a statement to my brother and me that if she had a chance to do it all again that she would never have children), and was very emotionally void & fake.

The fact that I never wanted to be like her from a very, very early age perplexed me, as I couldn't put my finger on it for YEARS as to why I felt that way when I was so young. Well, when a mother doesn't show you emotion & love, when a mother doesn't grant you security & safety, and when a mother doesn't express support, liking this mother is tough. Add to the mix the fact that she was fake (could turn off and on a persona) and placed her needs over ours (except we were well fed, well dressed, and had toys).

I remember asking for reassurance from my paternal grandparents that I would never be like her. I remember my grandmother reassuring me that I am my own person. I remember thinking how much I want to be ME and how I can't stand it when someone says, "You're just like your mother". Through all of my struggles living at my mother's house, my goal was to make it until I was 18 years old, and then, as an adult, I would leave and go off to college. I struggled to believe in myself, trust my judgment, like myself, and stay true to my path. And I did...