Run Forrest Run (1983)

Life with my mother was all about her getting back at me for choosing my Dad over her. Life with my mother was her trying to make me feel the pain she apparently felt when I lived with my Dad. “The issue of betrayal is critical to understanding the dynamics between borderline mother and heir children. The borderline’s sensitivity to betrayal results in paranoid accusations, annihilating rage, and abandonment of the offending party” P 42 Lawson. Life with my mother was very abusive, both emotionally and mentally.

My mother had a few more court appearances against my Dad, and she was always trying to pigeon hole him into saying something damaging while she recorded the conversation on the phone. I felt extremely wrong for being part of this act, but she pressured me into calling and hooking up the recording device. She would have written out what I was to ask him or lead him into saying. Again, how my parents used the kids as pawns during their divorce was despicable. How my parents used the kids to hurt the other parent was despicable as well. See subsequent blog entry: Adult Children of Parental Alienation.

At first, things were floating along okay until the day that my great-grandmother came to visit. During that visit, my GG brought up the fact that another great-grandmother had passed away (when I was living with my Dad) and that she had left some money to all of the great-grandchildren. I was coming up the stairs when this conversation was ensuing, and I piped in something to the effect of, "Yea, I remember something to that respect. I think I signed the check over to Dad and he said he was putting it into a college account for me". My mother went completely ballistic. She said, "WHAT!? You hid this from me!? After all the money that I have spent in court battling your Dad, and you hid this from me!?" I responded that I hadn't hid it from her, that I had just not remembered, and that it was only like $500.00 anyway.

My mother didn't believe me and demanded that I go back downstairs. She yelled at me that she is glad that my last name is Smith, pushed me to the top of the stairs and said to get down, that she didn't want to see my face. "The voices of children are easily silenced by the fear of not being believed. The borderline's children feel like prisoners of a secret war. Children of borderlines know that their mother can make people vanish. They have seen her cut people to shreds with words, shatter reputations of those who betray, and stab them in the heart with false accusations. They know the feeling of sinking into nothingness by soul-wrenching verbal attacks" p 125 Lawson.

Once downstairs, I started to write in my diary (a diary that I had started in order to cope with the negative environment that I was immersed in). My mother came downstairs and took the phone and TV away from me. She told me that I wasn't leaving the house until I told her the truth about deceiving her (it was summer time). She then tried to pull the diary from my hands. I exclaimed that the diary is one thing that is mine and only mine, but she kept trying to pull it from my hands. Eventually I won out.

I wasn't allowed to leave that house the whole summer -- and into the new school year. Three months of pulling weeds for hours a day, cleaning the house, and having no contact with anyone outside of my mother and step-father. I started to run a lot at this point and joined the high school sports team in order to get away. I developed poison ivy from pulling weeds, and my mother didn't get me any medication until it had spread over my entire body (face included).

I could hear her telling her friends and some of my friend's mothers how horrible I am, telling them distorted accounts of my past, about my relationship with her, and what happened with my great-grandmother's inheritance money. “When others hear the borderline mother complain about her children, they assume that the children are troubled, rather than the mother. Unfortunately, for their children, this means that their private experience is unlikely to be validated by others” P 20 Lawson. Also during this time, my mother was leaving me these deranged notes, saying that she was getting back at me for all the hurt I put her through with my Dad. Each note got more and more far-out, and I just reassured myself that I would make it through living there until I was 18 and off at college. I kept writing in my diary, I kept praying for sanity, and I kept looking forward to the future.

I tried talking to my step-father about how my mother was treating me, but he failed t protect me from the abuse. One time I was trying to talk to him, my mother came downstairs and told him not to listen to me that I was just trying to manipulate him. She cut the conversation off and demanded him to leave the room. I felt completely alone and helpless in this dungeon of verbal and emotional abuse.

My teammates were the ones who I confided in about what I was going through at home. They were astonished that I had been secluded in the house for 3 months and said that I should figure out some way of talking to my mother. After days of deliberating, my team decided what was best was to tell my mother that I indeed deceived her. So, I have to lie and tell her that I did lie. This made no sense to me. What excuse we conjured up, I don't remember, but you will see that the reason was unimportant.

I went home that night from practice, and my step-father was out of town. At the dinner table with my mother standing at the kitchen sink, I said to my mother, "So, I want to tell you that I did hide the fact I knew about that money".

My mother looked up and said, "You were scared I would take it from you when we went to court".

I agreed and that was the end of the discussion. It was never brought up again. Very strangely nothing was EVER SAID about this again. After all the isolation, emotional & mental abuse, and confusion, I was allowed out of the house. I had my freedom again.

Although I had my freedom, I didn't have trust or boundaries. In public, she was sticky sweet, and then in private she would turn around and lash out at me. She looked through my things and read my diary & notes. She would interpret what she found in the worst possible manner and confront me in aggressive & hostile ways. And even though I would tell her the truth, she still believed what she wanted to believe. "Conflicts frequently erupt between the borderline mother and child over boundaries and privacy issues. The borderline feels entitled to listen to telephone conversations and to search bedrooms, and question friends about activities. The borderline can be unrelenting in her intrusiveness" p 114 Lawson.

Earlier when I said my decision to move in with my mother had positive results as well as the negative, with the positive being my education. I academically achieved excellent grades. I was part of academic & social clubs, and I was successful as an athlete. I honestly think that if I had stayed with my Dad, I wouldn't have been as successful with school as that household didn't place an emphasis on studying, achieving good grades, or excelling in pushing yourself to learn more and more. So, I have no regrets about all that achieved academically while I lived with my mother. I got advanced placement when entering college and was able to go on and achieve a master's degree as well.

The Divorce Continues

I have to add a post in here about the duration and extent of my parents' divorce. Their divorce started in 1979 and didn't fully complete until the mid 1980's. "If the borderline narcissistic couple divorces, battles over custody issues can continue for years" p 189 Lawson. The divorce was NASTY. They took each other back to court time and time again for custody battles, obtaining something the other wouldn't give them, terms of the divorce, and so much more. The divorce included teams of attorneys, psychiatrists, private detectives, character witnesses, taped phone calls, photographs, expert witnesses, and more. Basically, their divorce was a circus that costs TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars EACH, and involved many, many people... including me having to testify against my mother. For more about this type of divorce, see Narcissistic Borderline Couples.

"The most common campaign of denigration is organized against ex-spouses and ex-partners of the borderline. Divorces, separations, and endings of relationships can trigger full-blown war; thus, custody battles may continue for years. The borderline is consumed with annihilatory rage and may seek financial, emotional, and physical revenge" p 142 Lawson.

In regard to having to testify against my mother in 1979, the event was VERY traumatic and stressful for me. I felt extremely pressured by my Dad to do this, and I felt as if I were to display my loyalty and respect for my Dad, I would have to follow through with his wishes. I was a wreck, being taken out of school (7th grade) and going to the courthouse. Seeing my mother there was AWFUL. She was visibly distraught seeing her daughter in court with the motive to testify against her. My brother had backed out at the last minute, but I felt this overwhelming need to please my Dad and intimidated to say 'no' to him. Of course, everything my Dad had to say about this occasion was that I was merely 'telling the facts' and not doing anything wrong.

Looking back at it now, I think it was completely wrong on ALL levels. See subsequent blog entry: Adult Children of Parental Alienation. My parents should have never put the kids in the middle of their divorce. My parents should have never made us chose between parents. My parents should not have projected their pain during the divorce onto the kids. "Both the borderline Queen and the narcissistic King perceive themselves as innocent victims. The true victims, of course, are their children" p 190 Lawson. TO THIS DAY, neither of my parents admits to what they did to my brother and me-- and what they put us through for decades.

I found this very revealing study relating to Borderline and Narcissistic parents going to court for divorce. "There seems to be emerging a new kind of couple with which, I believe, courts are becoming more and more familiar. Although to date there is no diagnostic category indicating a collective diagnosis of this particular couple indicating their behaviors, pathological interactions, characteristics, and idiosyncratic nature of relationship, they are becoming an increasing concern to court officials in the area of family law. Moreover, judges, lawyers, counselors and court personnel are becoming more .baffled about this type of dyadic unit. They see them regularly but don't recognize that beneath their apparent stubborn, childlike behaviors are some real fundamental conflictual issues" Narcissist Borderline Couples

Moving on Over (1982 )

The situation with my step-mother became unbearable. I couldn't live in these conditions. Now, in a 'normal' situation, a child would have to deal with the conditions and adjust, one way or another. But in my case, I complained about the living conditions to my mother and step-father one night over dinner during a visitation, and their solution was for me to move in with them. I look back on this situation often, as I have had many positive results from my ultimate decision, but I also wonder what would have happened if I had chosen differently (made to face my challenges and deal with them). At any rate, I take up my mother and step-father on their offer and choose to move in with them.

I tell my Dad my decision, and he was very upset about it. I don't remember all I said to him, but I know that he made a selfish decision to marry my step-mother, and as a result, I made a selfish decision to move out. Now, that's key too. I didn't choose to move in with my mother because I wanted to be with my mother. I moved in with my mother to get away from my step-mother (and step-sister too on a lesser level). I think my mother deep-down knew this, but I also think that she SO BADLY wanted to get back at my Dad that she would take what she got.

When I moved out of my Dad's, no one was there to help me. I was alone, gathering my things. That day was very strange, and I remember not getting all of my "stuff" (like toys and odds & ends) as I thought I would always be able to get them whenever or come over to play with them whenever (I am now 14 years old). I was wrong about that.

Anyway, I move in with my mother and step-father, and everything seems copacetic until the day of court, when the custody was changed over officially. As we were driving away from the courthouse, my mother turns to me and says, "Now that we have custody of you, we are thinking of moving out of state". I was really taken back as it suddenly seemed that her offer for me to move in was a ploy to get me as far away from my Dad as possible. I said to her, "I didn't move in with you to move away", and she almost leaped into the backseat at me. See subsequent blog entry: Borderline Mother Alienates Daughter

She was enraged and repeated what I said in a loud and angry tone. I didn't understand why she was so pissed off at me, but she had my step-father pull over and she reamed me, saying how selfish I am, how I am living with them now and that I have to go where they go where ever that may be, and that she can't believe I just said that to her. I didn't realize this is the way my life would be for the next 3 years.

"Like a cat with a mouse, the borderline mother may lie and wait, pouncing when the child least expects it, deceiving the child into believing that she is no longer angry, and then unleashing her rage" p 130 Lawson. She definitely set the stage for this-- being very kind and considerate, as well as listening & being empathetic when I was going through challenges with my new step-mother, and then changing into the Witch when I made the move to live with her. Her desperate fear of abandonment compounded with the rage of betrayal set the stage even further. “The issue of betrayal is critical to understanding the dynamics between borderline mother and heir children. The borderline’s sensitivity to betrayal results in paranoid accusations, annihilating rage, and abandonment of the offending party” P 42 Lawson.

Home Sweet Home (1980)

Now that my mother moved out of the house, we (my Dad, brother, and me) moved back in. Nothing, obviously, felt the same. But we went through the motions. My teachers at school wanted to know what was going on as my grades fell from straight A's. I still managed to be a Safety Patrol (placement based on honors), and even took the trip to Washington, DC.

My Dad wanted to be granted custody, so he started taking us to a psychiatrist. From what I understood, this man would listen to our story and then testify on our behalf. The trips to see him were CREEPY. We went after hours. Nightfall had already occurred, no one was at the office, and Dad talked with him behind closed doors. Just another crazy piece of the crazy puzzle. But my brother and I talked to his guy, not learning anything new about ourselves, how to cope with this crazy situation, or any counseling. We just talked, and he took notes.

Other creepy stuff?

• My Dad would openly joke about how he would fill out as many magazine subscriptions as he could in my mother's name. He thought doing this to her was very funny. Even as a young child, I knew this was wrong on many levels.
  
• He also let us know that he took one leg from her dining room set (that was her parents before their death), one suitcase from her set, and other various things when she was moving out. She battled him in court for these items. I know the court system thought they were not. And they were! See how parents like mine have spun around the court system during divorces: Joan Lachkar, Ph.D. "Courts Beware! Narcissistic/Borderline Couples: Implications for Mediation," Conciliation Court Review Bulletin, June 1986, pp. 31- 43.
• When my great-grandmother passed away, she left my brother and me money. I remember that one day two checks came in the mail that my Dad brought to my brother and me to sign over to him (I was 12 at the time; my brother 10) under the pretense the money was to be put into our college accounts. First of all, our college was supposed to be paid for from the equity in the house that my mother gave up to him per the divorce agreement. Second, neither my brother nor I received this money-- so we signed the checks over to him for his freewill essentially.
  

My mother started wanting to see us again. We agreed to go out to dinner with her. When she came to pick us up one evening, she asked to have the popcorn maker. My Dad said no, and she asked why. Well, the entire conversation escalated, and they ended up fighting in the doorway. They were pushing and shoving each other, yelling, and tearing up the kitchen. I had my brother at my leg (we were still 12 and 10 respectively). I ended up calling the police, telling them there is a domestic disturbance. The cops came, everything calmed down, but my brother and I didn't feel comfortable leaving with her at this time. She left crying her eyes out. This happened again when she came to pick us up and asked for something that was her father's that she left behind when she moved. My Dad refused, she freaked-out, and the police were called again. My brother and I didn't leave with her again.

Another night, I was babysitting two small boys up the street when my mother came banging on the door. She was crying hysterically and yelling, "You're my daughter! You have to come back to me. You can't leave me, you're my daughter". The little boys had no idea what to think of the situation, and I was too scared to even open the door to talk to her. I tried to keep the boys at the back of the house so they couldn't see or hear what was going on. My mother eventually slumped down on the front door step. I called my Dad, and the police were called as well. I prayed the situation wouldn't escalate to another "domestic disturbance" with my mother and Dad at each other. In the end, I felt guilty, terribly sad, and even more conflicted. Although my mother was completely out-of-line showing-up at my babysitting job & behaving in that manner, I knew she was distraught over her children being gone. Trying to discuss my feeling with my Dad was worthless as he did not understand. He saw things as black & white-- and my mother was evil and to be discarded. Period.

I finally went out to dinner with her one night. The entire occasion was pitiful. Here is my mother, a person that was one of the biggest influences in my life, sitting there in her car, trying to gain my acceptance by handing me a little gift. Pitiful. We ate some pizza and talked some small talk. I felt totally uncomfortable but relieved to finally have time with my mother. How did all of this get to this point!?

"Borderlines will frequently sacrifice themselves, their family or their children. In court custody cases, children become the sacrificial objects, are placed in the middle of arguments, and are deprived, made to be go-betweens, and treated like little adults playing the role of mediators, therapists, and saviors" p 130 Lawson. From the time the divorce bomb was dropped to present day, I feel like I have always been in the middle. I feel like I was a pawn in the divorce, used by BOTH parents. I feel like I have been caught between a rock and a hard place since the inception of their separation. I also feel like I was expected to think and make decisions like an adult when I was a child-- and when I didn't make the decision that my mother wanted or expected, I was vilified. "The all-good child is the parentified child-- trained to parent the parent. All-good children are typically obedient and loyal, and may function as little therapists in their families" p 163 Lawson.

Well, the next step was spending the night with her. She had an apartment, and it was jammed full of all the stuff from our house. I remember feeling terribly uncomfortable-- to the point that when I saw what I later found out was an antique glass syringe, I was very scared of her. My Dad had me call him at certain times to check in, which made me even more scared of her. Obviously Dad is worrying, so I guess I should be concerned and worry too!!?? Over time, being with her became less of a stresser, including spending a week with her over the summer. No matter what though, I felt I had to play the game with my Dad and show undying loyalty to him (see subsequent blog post: Adult Children of Parental Alienation).

My mother married her boyfriend that summer. My brother and I attended the wedding, which was one of the hottest days of the summer on record. Now, my brother and I lost our family as we knew it, and a year later we have a new step-father and 2 step-brothers. These changes through the last 3 years have been heavy and traumatizing: grandmother dead 1977, grandfather dead 1978, parents divorce 1979, mother remarries to my Dad's ex-best friend 1980... and the story continues.