Defying Gravity by Breaking Free from Narcissistic Parents

Do you have a song that so perfectly describes how you feel that you get goose-bumps from head to toe? Perhaps the song brings you to tears because the emotions behind it truly ring clearly. The song, Defying Gravity from the musical Wicked, is more than empowering and emotional for me (see video and lyrics below). The song sweeps through the dysfunctional and toxic relationship with my BPD mother and NPD father into the realization that I will never have their unconditional love to actually breaking free and flying away. First some background information about The Wizard of Oz (1939) and the musical Wicked.

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Dorothy Gale is a young farm girl who lives in Kansas in the early 1900s. She is whisked away in a tornado and lands in Oz. She is greeted by the good witch Glinda, who tells Dorothy to follow the yellow brick road to the Emerald City where the Wizard of Oz might be able to help her get back home. The Wizard agrees to grant her wish (along with the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion & their wishes) but not until they bring him the Witch of the West's broom. On their way to the Witch's castle, they are ambushed by flying monkeys but still manage to obtain the broom. Back at the Emerald City, the Wizard still refuses to grant their wishes, however Toto (Dorothy's pet dog) exposes the "Wizard" as a normal middle-aged man who admits he's a fraud.

Wicked the Musical  

In the musical Wicked,  Elphaba is an outcast because of her green skin and is even shunned by her own father. She stands up for the downtrodden and oppressed, which in in this case are the intelligent animals whose powers of speech and reason are being stripped away by the Wizard who is systematically enslaving them. The magicless Wizard calls upon the magical young Elphaba to become his partner, which is a dream come true for Elphaba until she discovers the Wizard's wicked ways. She turns down fame and glory and instead goes underground, becoming a fugitive while aiding the animals when and where she can. Elphaba refuses to stay silent when she witnesses evil.

Elphaba pays for her defiance. She is disparaged by the Wizard's cohort, her former headmistress Madame Morrible causing the people of Oz to want her dead. She becomes known as the Wicked Witch of the West and is falsely accused of spreading terror and lies throughout the land. Desperate, she considers making peace with the Wizard and is literally captivated his song-and-dance routine about how wonderful it is to be considered wonderful. She discovers that he has enslaved her former professor, Dr. Dillamond the goat, who can no longer speak or stand upright. She is incensed all over again and flees, which is her last straw.

"Defying Gravity" Lyrics

Defying Gravity (see lyrics below) is the finale for Wicked's first act when Elphaba discovers that The Wizard of Oz is not the heroic figure she had originally believed. With this realization, Elphaba vows to do everything in her power to fight the Wizard and his sinister ways. She sings of how she wants to live without limits, going against the rules that others have set for her. At this point, she doesn't know that the Wizard is her father but finds out in the end. The Wizard uses campaigns of denigration against Elphaba, turning the public against her. She later learns that the Wizard is in fact a powerless fraud.

Lyrics ranging from the 'playing by the rules of someone else's game' to being forced to 'accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so' to realizing with our relationship there are 'things I cannot change' truly describe the dysfunctional mind games, unhealthy boundaries, immense control, and emotional damage resulted from my BPD / NPD parents.

Additionally, the lyrics 'too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!' so clearly relate to the raw honesty regarding the relationship with my parents. Having to sacrifice my integrity and self-worth in order to keep them in my lives was indeed much to high a cost- and for a love I never truly had in the first place.

The song also depicts how I felt when I ultimately decided to indefinitely cut ties and fly free: 'too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep, it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!' and 'if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free'. That lyric about flying solo and flying free really hits my heart hard as if I could choose it some other way, I would. I would like to have a big, happy family that is loving, supportive, and safe. But being emotionally tied to their control and manipulations was not healthy or acceptable. So, flying solo in order to fly free is the best possible option.

The lyrics "As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly" are so illustrative of how a dysfunctional relationship can be so stifling- and how a controlling and narcissistic parent can truly chain you down.When she sings that lyric, I can feel my freedom and how I am flying free now, which is truly breathtaking.

Another powerful statement in the song is when she says, "To those who ground me, take a message back from me- tell them how I am defying gravity." I get goosebumps- the power and strength behind that statement are immense.

The ending truly wraps up the deeply meaningful song with the following lyrics, "And nobody in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down!" Those words are so poignant because one of the most helpful books I read when trying to learn about my mother's BPD and father's NPD was Eleanor Payson's book, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family.

Living in and Leaving Oz

After someone with NPD has seduced us, we often feel like a tornado transported us to Oz. Dorothy's journey encapsulated all the manipulative illusions and challenges that transpires when we interact with an NPD. Dorothy believed that the Wizard was the only one who had the power to help her, and she embarked on one convoluted adventure after another to find favor and win his approval.

Similarly, children want so badly to have their parent(s) approval and attention just as Elphaba did when the Wizard wanted her as a *partner*. Elphaba discovers she was manipulated and deceived just as I did many times through the decades with my parents. Whether through parental alienation, silent treatments, campaigns of denigration, estrangement and more,  I continually was hopefully of an unconditional and authentic relationship with my parents only to discover the truth behind their actions.

Just as Elphaba is in Wicked, children of NPD can be shunned, not accepted by parent(s), expected to believe in the facade that the parent created (Oz), and controlled to the point of compromising integrity and personal growth. The sense of reality is muddled, doubted, and turned upside-down. Constant exposure to the parent's skewed sensibility combined with isolation from friends / family feels like living in a strange land of Oz with the Wizard of Oz (parent) manipulating, controlling, and deceiving.

Further, flying monkeys are sent to do the dirty work for the NPD (Enlisting Allies Against Target of Rage) such as used against Dorothy. Flying monkeys being a term taken from The Wizard of Oz to describe those the NPD manipulates into doing their dirty work, typically in the form of abuse by proxy. The NPD parent manipulates others into harming their target of rage (*true victim*) through willfully ignorant or easily deceived friends and family. The abuse by proxy results from ignorance of the truth or lack of character to stand up for the truth. Whether it is directly or indirectly, physically or emotionally, an NPD will use flying monkeys to do their dirty work.

Additionally, the children of NPD parents can be disparaged throughout their life through campaigns of denigration, causing people to think the child is wicked like Elphaba. By the time the target is aware of the distortions, people around the NPD may have been hearing for a long time that the target is some evil, horrible, cruel person as part of the campaign of denigration.

Everyone Deserves a Chance to Fly!

We all want to be the recipient of unconditional love but if it comes at such a high cost, is it unconditional? No, the cost is the condition so the love is not unconditional. Let go of the hope that your critical parent will ever change. Stop looking for approval from the parent. Understand why the parent is like this, but stop looking to them for approval and support you will probably never get. Having a critical parent is not your fault, and you can't make this critical parent into a kind, approving, and loving parent.

In the end, breaking free of the critical parent is defying gravity. Everyone certain does deserve a chance to fly. No two parental situations are exactly the same, so what may work in one situation may not be the best in another. However, doing something to improve your situation is imperative when dealing with a critical parent. By simply being conscious of the effects of criticism, you'll actually begin to negate the effects. Bringing to the surface the impact of criticism can actually help it dissipate and lose the power it has in your life. And if you have to fly solo, at least you're flying free. We all deserve happiness and peace in our lives. Don't let the Wizard or anyone else bring you down :)

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But until I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately,
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in the renown

And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

Collateral Damage with Estrangement and No Contact

Collateral damage is that term defines the damage that can over spill from a bad relationship that effects family members and mutual friends causing them to sever relationship with you or you with them.  When people go through a divorce and lose their in-laws in the process, collateral damage has occurred. 

 

Similarly, collateral damage can happen when an abusive parent is finally confronted, when boundaries are enforced, when no contact periods are taken, or when an estrangement occurs. When some people are faced with a family member or friend who is going through an estrangement or no contact situation, it just seems easier not to have to take sides. For others, the relationship is severed because it was never really all that important. Also, if you are dealing with a BPD who enlists allies against you (her target of rage),  letting those people go is prudent for peace of mind and your health. 

The estrangements with my mother and Dad were due to their behaviors over extended periods of time (my entire life). With my mother, she shut me out due to her perceptions of my unplanned wedding. With my Dad, he tried to control my husband and me and became upset when he couldn’t. Ultimately with both estrangements, collateral damage happened. I lost touch with the people surrounding each of them.

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What kind of collateral damage have you experienced with your estrangement or time of no-contact? Do you think the collateral damage is because you are just letting it be, the relationship was never that strong to begin with, the one with whom you’re estranged turns people against you, or some other reason? Please post your comments below.

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Letting Go

First of all, I am not the type to put someone in an awkward position. So, if you are close to my mother or Dad (for example, their spouse), I am not going to over-step the boundaries and expect them to chose me or even speak with me. I am not going to have someone ‘chose sides’ nor feel uncomfortable because they were put in an awkward position regarding loyalty. My mother and Dad have always been ones that placed a high value on loyalty, so with their narcissistic personalities, having their respective spouse not exhibit loyalty would be a huge violation.  

Weak Relationships

I must add also that if the relationship with the surrounding people wasn’t strong to begin with, why would any loyalty shift from aligning themselves or sticking by their spouse? Same goes for other people surrounding my mom or Dad. If I wasn’t close to them in the first place, why would an estrangement cause them to reach out to me MORE?  For example, with my Dad, I was never close to his wife or her daughter. So with the end of communication with my Dad, I didn’t attempt to contact either one of them, nor have they tried to contact me. And even further out in the lineage, my step-sister’s husband and his mother / father have not been in contact either. We never kept up with each other before, so why now? We occasionally visited during family get-togethers but that’s it. 

Campaigns of Denigration and Allies Against Target of Rage

With my mother, the situation is a bit more complicated because she enlists people in her target of rage (me being the target this time) and a campaign of denigration begins. With my mother, when she flew off the handle about her perceived view of my unplanned wedding, she spent her time and energy soliciting people to ‘her side’ rather than spending her time and energy trying to talk to my then fiancé and me. She also has had a history from my birth of controlling the people in my life—basically meddling in my familial relationships since birth. She ousted my birth father out when I was months old. She made it nearly impossible for my brother and me to have a relationship with my paternal grandparents. She wrote off my maternal grandfather shortly after my maternal grandmother died and wouldn’t even allow me to write him letters. She divorced and villianized my adopted father (whom I call Dad) when I was around 11 years old. When it fit into her plan of villianizing my adoptive father, she introduced my birth father back into my life around 12 years old. So, she controlled and molded my family relationships even up to our last estrangement. 

When she didn’t like what she was hearing about my wedding (that I didn’t feel comfortable having all three of my fathers together at the wedding), she said that she was ‘out’ of the wedding (which she was never ‘in’ because there was no wedding planned yet) and that she was going to call my birth father and his family to tell them they aren’t invited either. When she announced this, I became angry- angry because for my entire life, she manipulated who I could talk to. And now, I was taking a stand and speaking about what I felt comfortable with, which didn’t fit her wishes, and she exclaimed that she was ‘out’. Anyway, from that point forward, she made it her mission to  denigrate me to my birth father’s family and to turn them against me. 

I never had a solid or strong relationship with my birth father or his family, although my contact and experiences with them far exceeded my mother’s. So when she came forward to them when she was upset about wedding, I decided not to get into a ‘he said / she said’ with them. They never contacted me, however, so my side of the story was never communicated to them. I wasn’t about to call them in order to defend myself. I didn’t do anything ‘wrong’ so I didn’t feel the need to put myself on the stand to be cross-examined. 

They were under the spell of my manipulative and dysfunctional mother, and she tangled them into her web. I suppose if I had a solid and strong relationship with them that her power wouldn’t have affected them? I don’t know. They are very impressionable, small town folk that are very smitten with the wealthy and city life that my mother and her third husband live. So perhaps they would have fallen into the ‘poor pitiful woman whose daughter ripped her heart out’ trap by a very clever 

con-artist BPD.  

"The borderline enlists others as allies against the person who is the target of her rage. She may seek out friends, family members (including siblings and children), and co-workers of her victim in whom to confide fabricated stories designed to discredit her enemy. She intentionally leaves out discussion of her own behavior, presenting the other person's behavior as entirely unjustified." Lawson (p, 141).

But the bottom line is that I didn’t have a solid or strong relationship and the loss of them as collateral damage was not significant although I am disappointed that they think so poorly of me. I am still amazed, however, that they took the garbage that my mother spewed out of her mouth as gospel and turned to support her (even though they were victims of her toxicity several times in the past). 

"Others may believe the BPD's allegations of mistreatment because of the intensity of emotion. Misinformation is calculated and constructed in order to destroy the victim's reputation. Those who do not know the true situation may not notice inconsistencies in the BPD's story. It is difficult to verify the truth because the intensity of the emotion dissuades others from asking details" Lawson (p, 141).

Minimizing Collateral Damage

Collateral damage is a distressing effect of relationships gone awry. If both parties are supportive and understanding about the people surrounding them, relationships can continue. If both parties vow not to involve others in their own personal disagreement, argument, or split, collateral damage is minimized as well. Saying negative things and slinging insults is not the way to minimize damage. Agree not to bash each other and agree not to talk about the situation to others. These steps are seemingly simple, but to a BPD or NPD who wants to control, manipulate, or prove who is loyal to them, the task not not possible. Ultimately, due to my mother’s campaigns of denigration about me, I was not able to try to maintain a relationship and continue the link with grace with my birth father and his family. And the relationships surrounding my Dad were never that important to begin with.

Borderline's Campaigns of Denigration

I love my child to the deepest part of my heart and soul. My child is a blessing who amazes me every day of my life. I would do anything possible to support my child, shower my child with unconditional love, and provide security and safety for my child. If we ever have a disagreement, I will do everything possible to understand my child's point-of-view and create peace. I am my child's biggest cheerleader, biggest supporter, and biggest admirer. I love my child beyond words.

My mother, on the other hand, has treated our relationship with such disregard and with so many conditions. She has treated me as an adult when I was a child, expecting me to react or have viewpoints as an adult. She leaned on me as an adult 'friend' when I was a child, confiding in me with things that are inappropriate for a child's ears. She completely disregarded my feelings, emotions, and perspectives from childhood to the beginning of our last estrangement in 2004. She has discredited and denied my childhood memories and even has gone so far as to say what we experienced as a child doesn't have any bearing on our adulthood. And what is so disgusting is that she will spend an inordinate amount of time talking disparagingly about me to other people.

First of all the campaigns of denigration are despicable because she is my mother and I am her daughter. She **should be** one of my staunchest supporters, someone to always be on my side. She **should be** someone who thinks I hung the moon, talks admiringly of me, and is my cheerleader. And if we have personal issues, those issues should be resolved between us. I cannot fathom ever speaking of my child the way my mother speaks of me. I cannot fathom making up myths, lies, and misconceptions about my child the way my mother does of me. I know how deeply I feel for my child-- and this truly makes the pathology, dysfunction, toxicity, and pure evil of my mother's illness stand out even more.

If my mother spent as much time and energy trying to work-out disagreements with me as she does with her campaigns of denigration against me, we would have resolved disagreements long ago. The topic that started the last estrangement isn't what threw me over the edge (the fact that my mother said she was out of my wedding because I didn't want all 3 of my fathers attending the same ceremony). What threw me over the edge was the vile, mean, and demeaning things she said to my friends, work and school colleagues, my in-laws, and more. She went so far that I cannot ever trust her again. Let's put it this way-- would I still be friends with someone who attacks me, spreads lies about me, tries to turn people against me, and attempts to destroy relationships of mine? Heck no. So why would I still honor a relationship with my mother?

When we were estranged in in the middle 80's and then again in the middle 90's, she talked smack about me. When we reconciled, I try to put the past in the past and give her credit for being 'changed'. After our middle 80's estrangement ended in the early 90's, she promised me that she had changed, that she had gotten professional help, and that she wouldn't do anything like that to me again. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then when we reconciled after the middle 90's estrangement, I thought I had my life so solid and together that she couldn't hurt me again. Wrong again.

Anyway, one of the classic behaviors of a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the campaign of denigration. The target is the person against whom the perpetrator BPD conducts the vilification, which the target happens to be me.  The intent is to destroy my reputation and thereby destroying my relationships with family and friends, co-workers, and others. How can someone who loves you, do this to you? They can't possibly truly love you and then try to destroy your reputation and relationships.

As with so many aspects involving BPD's and their typical inability to understand or respect boundaries, no limits exist to their campaigns. They will use any means available to cause damage to their target, including denigration, endless disparaging remarks, fabrication, false accusations, and even teaching others to lie on their behalf as part of their vilification campaign. My mother has used all of the means listed and even taught others (my ex co-worker (Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and half-sister (Seriously Demented: BPD Mother Replacing Daughter) to take part in her campaign. She tried to organize them to 'crash my wedding' ... we had to have security at our wedding ceremony for protection. How very sad. Is this the behavior of a loving, supportive, and **normal** mother?

The campaign employs lies, exaggerations, fictions, partial truths, and other reality distortion techniques. Campaigns of denigration are often done behind the scenes.  They may start months or years before the target is even aware of the campaign. By the time the target is aware of the distortions, people around the BPD may have been hearing for a long time that the target is some evil, horrible, cruel person as part of the campaign of denigration. What is so powerful is the thought from outsiders that a mother couldn't possibly be lying like this about her very own child, could she!?!?! And thus, the mother has power, and the child is vilified. Peg Streep talks about this in "Mean Mothers" that the child is the one on trial in the court of opinion when against a mother.

The BPD is likely to make extreme false allegations, distortions, and varied lies to defame and harm her target. The BPD is also likely to involve many other people in the campaign of denigration. Many are passive participants who will listen and believe the BPD’s lies. Others become actively involved in spreading lies further. The target may find dozens of people, many whom have never met him / her, who believe and repeat the lies of the BPD. I know that my mother will try to talk to anyone who will listen (she loves pity as she is the hurting victim) so I am sure there are many people out there that I am unaware who have heard many false allegations, distortions, and lies about me. And you know what? I don't care. If any of these people chose to believe my mother, so be it. I can't be a politician to try to convince them otherwise. Que sara, sara-- what will be, will be. What I do know is that I am truly blessed with a wonderful group of family and friends who are my family. And those family and friends are who I concentrate on... not the nasty evil makings of my mother.

What lies do BPDs tell? BPD's tend to pick false accusations that are difficult to disprove. Although we supposedly live in a society in which people are 'innocent until proven guilty', the reality is, people are not treated this way. The victims of the campaign of denigration often are treated as outcasts or even criminals, assumed to be guilty without any evidence whatsoever. A pitiful point is: just because she's my **mother** many don't require evidence to deem me guilty--  why would a mother falsely accuse her daughter who she claims to love so very much!?!?

The perhaps surprising aspect of many of these defamatory statements is that they are not about the target at all. Often BPDs are aware at some level that they themselves are doing these bad behaviors. So instead of taking responsibility for their own problems, they blame them on others. This behavior is known as “projection.”  The BPD lies by partial truth and distortion. BPD's excel at this. They are believed and seldom questioned because of their emotional intensity and conviction they exhibit while they repeat their lies. My mother is very smart and very clever. She can build lie upon lie, and she sounds so very convincing... and she is convincing because she believes her own lies. And as far as projection, she has always saw me as an extension of herself. Therefore, when she is saying the lies, she fully believes them because she thinks of me as an extension of herself and these lies are actually truths of what she feels about herself. 

BPD's have trouble knowing what the truth is due to a combination of problems. Sometimes they may experience cognitive dissociation in which they temporarily break from reality and may honestly experience reality completely differently from any observers. My mother seems to cycle in and out of reality, which also corresponds with our estrangements. Her sense of reality is skewed on a certain level consistently but manageable for our relationship to remain active. However, she becomes completely irrational at times, typically spurred on by fears of abandonment or rejection, which throws her out of reality. She is transformed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, and our relationship is cut off. She has always been very careful to show the public only a sweet and smiley side. The public doesn't see the irrational, unreasonable, and destructive person that I experience and see.

I have tried to talk to her about our past estrangements, and her reasoning behind why they occurred is completely off-base from what actually happened. She claims she doesn't remember some of the events, and she even stated that she instigated the estrangement just to make sure that I could make it on my own if she were ever gone. Say what!?!? A mother would go for FIVE YEAR STINTS away from her daughter just to make sure that she could make it on her own when her daughter was already living independently!?!? Irrational and illogical. And when I confronted her about the 'smack' she said about me, she flat-out denied it. But reality does not matter to BPD's. What matters is the ability to convince other people to take their sides during conflict and to protect themselves from “threats” such as being alone or being held accountable for their actions.

Why don’t people see the BPD's who conduct campaigns of denigration as the liars they are? Often BPD's tell varying lies to different people who don’t talk to each other and so the obvious deception is not apparent. My mother's relationships are predominately with people who live out of the state and have no contact with each other. Additionally, often the BPD’s emotional intensity and ability to play on people’s emotions makes them master manipulators. When my mother and I first became estranged in 2004, my step-grandmother was ill and subsequently died. My mother didn't call to inform me of her death but cried to others around her that I am heartless because I didn't know my step-grandmother died. How convoluted and illogical is that!? And when she declared she was 'out' of my wedding, I asked her in several emails and voice messages if she really meant what she said or was her declaration simply a threat.  She never responded but actively spread the lie that I kicked her out of the wedding and ripped her heart out.

People tend to “just believe” because the BP can come across as very charming, warm and friendly. Untrained, uncritical listeners are particularly susceptible at being duped by their lies. Eventually, they may believe the lies so completely that even when confronted with evidence such as writings, photographs, recordings, 3rd party versions of events, and other evidence, they refuse to accept that they were duped into believing lies. Even many mental health care professionals fall for the campaigns of denigration for a while. They get sucked into false sympathy and emotional alignment with the BPD rapidly. They fall for false stereotypes, such as “all men are abusers”, that BPD's use to their advantage.

The campaign of denigration also tends to damage many people around the BPD.  Divorce situations in which the children are taught by a BPD parent to hate the other parent based upon lies is very common. This is also known as “parental alienation”. My Dad was very adept with Parental Alienation as well as my mother. Each parent attempted to have my brother and me chose between parents. And if we lived with one parent, we didn't have a relationship with the other parent. I wrote more about of Parental Alienation in Adult Children of Parental Alienation as well as other areas of my blog. Parental Alienation is a form of emotional child abuse; therefore, BPD's or others who do this to children are child abusers.

Bottom-line, my mother has not fought to have me in her life-- she has fought to denigrate me and keep me out of her life. And she compounds estrangements with campaigns of denigration furthering my mistrust of her. I would fight TOOTH AND NAIL to NEVER allow ANYTHING to get in between my child and me. My mother would rather spend her time and energy talking terribly about me. Who needs this in their life when life has so many loving, caring, and kind people in this world? So when people ask me if I will ever reconcile with her, I respond with the fact I don't trust her. And at this point, the trust cannot be repaired after the extensive damage my mother has created.

Gaslighting and Campaigns of Denigration | The Borderline Mother

Gaslighting is the denial that certain events occurred or that certain things were said when you know differently and the denial of your perceptions, memory and very sanity. Gaslighting is one of the most sinister, sadistic, horrible, and effective forms of emotional and psychological abuse. Gaslighting can make the victim feel as if she's going crazy. If perceptions of reality are constantly denied, and above all denied by your mother (the person you admire the most and think is omniscient), the result is very confusing and destructive. 

So how did the term gaslighting come to fruition? The phrase comes from the 1940's film "Gaslight", in which an abusive husband dims the gaslights in the house. Then, when his wife questions if the lights have been dimmed, he responds that she's imagining the dimming. The husband is driving the wife crazy, literally, by not validating the wife's reality. 

The dimming gaslight is the perfect metaphor for the experience of living with someone with BPD. They may appear completely 'normal' and may often have the ability to act “as if” he or she has no problems. In fact, many people with BPD become professional actors. The “as if” ability of people with BPD can be particularly devastating to those who love them.(from Grief to Advocacy: A Mother’s Odyssey)

The gaslighting mother will construct fantasies of your emotional pathologies:

1. Making you look crazy: She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about or that she has no idea what you’re talking about. She doesn't remember significant events, flatly denies happenings, and won't admit perhaps she may have forgotten. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up losing confidence in your intuition, memory, or reasoning powers.
2. Preserving Perception of Self: Gaslighting can be inflicted to preserve the BPD mother's narcissistic view of herself as 'perfect'. BPD's gaslight routinely by insinuating or directly stating that you are unstable (or else you wouldn't think so preposterously). You may be told you are over-sensitive, imagining, unreasonable, irrational, and over-reacting.
3. Denying Your Right to Be Upset: Another form of gaslighting is the denial of your right to be upset. In this case the BPD might accept that the situation happened but invalidates you by fervently denying that there was anything problematic about it or any valid reason to get upset. 

Ultimately, she’ll present her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood.  She protests that she didn't do anything and has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her. She protests that you’ve hurt her terribly but loves you very much. She claims she would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn’t know what to do. She'll tell others that you keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.

What's the result? She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious hostility towards her, implied that it’s something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners.

She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.  

The following are 15 common symptoms of gaslighting abuse and manipulation:

1. Constantly second-guessing yourself.
2. Wondering, “Am I being too sensitive?” more than ten times a day
3. Frequently wondering if you are a “good enough” girlfriend / wife / employee / friend / daughter.
4. Having trouble making simple decisions.
5. Thinking twice before bringing up innocent topics of conversation.
6. Frequently making excuses for the BPD's behavior to friends and family.
7. Before the BPD comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong.
8. Thinking about what the BPD would like instead of what would make you feel great.
9. Actually starting to enjoy the constant criticism, because you think, “What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.”
10. Starting to speak to the BPD through someone else so you don’t have to tell him / her things you’re afraid might upset  him / her.
11. Starting to lie to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
12. Feeling as though you can’t do anything right.
13. Frequently wondering if you’re good enough for the BPD.
14. Your kids start trying to protect you from being humiliated by your BPD partner.
15. You feel hopeless and joyless.

The outcome from this blog and researching 'gaslighting' presented a very interesting result. My Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Dad adeptly used gaslighting through my childhood and into my adulthood. When I went through the 15 point checklist above, I could really see the damage that he was inflicting. We are now estranged as I couldn't handle the way that he was treating my child, my husband, and me. However, this exercise made his emotional abuse even more clear to me. 

I second-guessed myself constantly, analyzing interactions with my Dad to the tiniest details. I also always felt as if I was too sensitive to our interactions... as I always left feeling rejected, dejected, and ignored. Because I was always pushed aside by him for my step-sister, I wondered what draws him to her (or away from me). I know that his wife (my step-mother) has incredible power over him that he intentionally ignores me and pays more attention to my step-sister BUT the reality still stings. I have been careful of bringing up simple conversations-- and even if I carefully asked him about the past or incidents from childhood, he would respond curtly, "I don't remember because I CHOSE not to remember." I never got to the the point that the 15 point checklist illustrates (feeling hopeless, joyless, etc) as I removed myself from the situation.... but I can certainly see the damage that my Dad could cause (and has caused with my brother). 

If you realize that the BPD in your life is engaging in gaslighting against you, this is often a good clue that she is running a distortion campaign of denigration against you (another form of covert abuse). In regard to my BPD mother, this is the case. After all, if they have you confused about your own experiences, they will likely have a much easier time misleading others to believe inaccurate negative misinformation about you.

The BPD's intent is to destroy the target’s reputation and thereby destroy the target’s relationships with family and friends, employers, co-workers, and others. As with so many things involving BPD's and their typical inability to understand or respect boundaries (so descriptive of my mother!), no limits exist. The BPD uses any method to cause damage to their target: denigration, endless disparaging remarks, fabrication, false accusations, and even teaching others to lie on their behalf as part of their vilification campaign:

1. For instance, when I was a teenager going off to college, she got upset at me for coming into town and not contacting her. Her response was to tell me to not come home the following weekend. Shortly thereafter, she told me not to come home for Thanksgiving... and then not to come home for Christmas. Shortly after these statements, she put all of my belongings on the street. From there she started to spread rumors and blow the entire event out of proportion-- none of which had anything to do with the initial disagreement (that she was hurt when I came into town and didn't contact her). We remained estranged for almost 5 years.  
2. Another instance was when I received a box of dishes from my Dad which my mother perceived as a betrayal to her (I had no idea I was getting these dishes from my Dad who I wasn't in contact with at the time). She went from being upset saying that she can't believe I would accept the dishes after all that my Dad put her through with the divorce (17 years earlier) to the next day she told me I was a bitch and hung up the phone on me. From there the increasingly hurtful and untrue rumors started again which had nothing to do with my Dad sending me dishes. We remained estranged for almost 5 years.
3. Another incident, which led to the last estrangement was my engagement to my fiance. She pressed me for information regarding my wedding, which I had no plans. Ultimately, I told her we would have two ceremonies with which she didn't approve and declared she was out of the wedding. She proceeded with a campaign of denigration against me, saying increasingly horrible things to my friends, colleagues, and future in-laws which had nothing to do with the initial conflict between my mother and me (that she didn't agree with the consideration of having 2 ceremonies). We remain estranged.

With my mother, to preserve her view as a 'perfect mother' she would push me away-- in estrangement-- then make up narratives about me to support how she is the perfect mother, the loving & concerned mother, and how I ripped her heart out.

In summary, gaslighting and campaigns of denigration are covert forms of emotional abuse. One results in the victims doubting their perceptions of reality, and the other turns people against the victim. When perceptions of reality are doubted, the gaslighter is able to control the victim as the victim becomes completely dependent on the gaslighter 'for the "truth'.  And campaigns of denigration can destroy the victim's life and damage people around the BPD. If you think you are the victim of gaslighting or campaigns of denigration, please seek professional assistance.

Borderline Mother Alienates Daughter

One would think that my life would be filled with the love and support of family, having a mother, birth father, adoptive father, AND step-parents. My life is quite the contrary. Throughout my life my mother has manipulated and molded my life to suit her emotional needs. With "loyalty not a choice" for their children, Queen borderline mothers can be "vindictive when enraged, emotionally bribing and blackmailing others" Christine Lawson p 111. Here is how my Borderline Personality Disordered mother manipulated my life to the point that relationships are tarnished, splintered, and shattered... alienated.

I was born to a mother and my 'birth' father, and at a few months old, my mother divorced him in order to marry her high school sweetheart. He adopted me, and that is whom I call my Dad. My baby album and baby book were both altered, and absolutely no evidence of my birth father remained. This is the first example of Parental Alienation Syndrome used by my parents. No words were spoken about this birth father, but I did know about him. I didn't care-- my Dad was my Daddy, my father, and whom I loved. All my memories from the earliest are with my Dad.

When my mother had an affair with my Dad's best friend (late 1970's / early 1980's), and the tumultuous divorce happened (You Dropped a Bomb on Me), my mother moved into an apartment. If you read in the blog about the divorce and all the craziness that happened, my mother and Dad had a very dramatic, confusing, and hurtful divorce that involved us kids (Parental Alienation Syndrome). They both were going after each other with all they had-- which included using the kids to hurt the other.

Well, when I went to visit my mother for visitation when I was 13 years old, my mother, OUT OF THE BLUE, says to me one afternoon, "I know how to get a hold of your birth father. Would you like to speak to him?" I was taken back by the question but curious. I remember entertaining the notion, and we did speak to him for a short phone call. After that, I had no interest whatsoever talking to him again. LITTLE DID I KNOW, my mother used this information -- that I was in touch with my birth father-- to hurt my Dad. She leaked the information, making sure he found out. And I didn't find out until recently how much that hurt him. My mother is ruthless.

Now, later when I moved in with my mother as a teenager, she again pushed the idea of communicating with my birth father. What her motive was, I don't know for sure, but I feel like she was trying to 'right a wrong' (taking his baby from him and and abruptly leaving him the way she did) by getting me back in touch AND trying to hurt my Dad even more. Funny, but I was not interested in the least in getting together, talking with, or whatever with my birth father.

During a vacation with my mother and step-father, I got a case of food poisoning VERY BADLY. I was very ill on the drive home as well, but my mother insisted that we drive by where my birth father lives, in the dark of the evening, and meet him and his family at a McDonalds. Remember how much I have used the word 'bizarre' in my blog posts?? Well this meeting epitomizes BIZARRE. I didn't have much to say, and I was like an animal on display at the zoo. After eating some burgers, we got back in the car and were on our way again.

My mother definitely had an agenda.

When she and I had an estrangement when I went off to college (she claimed that I didn't love her because I came into town and didn't call her: Out of the Nest), she proceeded to call my birth father and his family and tell them ALL KINDS of outlandish things about me. She told them outright lies, very awful things (campaign of denigration). Why in the world would a loving, caring, and supportive mother do this type of thing to her child!? BAFFLING.

She certainly tried to create a wedge between my Dad and me, from the point I moved in with her in high school onward. She tried as hard as she could to discredit our relationship, make him seem so evil (nicknamed him Captain Nasty), and would become enraged if his name was even brought up. Parental Alienation Syndrome exampled again. Also, I think she has tried to alienate me so that I am dependent on her-- trying to guarantee that I wouldn't leave her. The hallmark of Borderline Personality Disorder shining brightly.

She has also brought up the fact that I have a different father than my brother to my brother at stunningly inappropriate times. First of all, why bring it up anyway--she created the deception from the very beginning! Second of all, I love my brother with all my heart & soul. I don't care of he's full or half blood, but why bring this up if it's not necessary!? Third of all, now that we are adults, and I know how I want to conduct MY life, I don't want to talk about the issue PERIOD.

Well, my mother hadn't seen my brother in TEN years when she went into the hospital for a pulmonary embolism in 1999. I flew my brother to see her as the condition could be fatal. This was the first time that my brother, mother, and me were all together in the same room in almost FIFTEEN years. So, we were all in the hospital room, and my mother was acting like Mr. Hyde. I don't know what got into her, but there she was in the hospital bed, being very boisterous, pushy, and rotten. I was trying my hardest to get my brother to the hospital in between working and so forth, and during this particular visit, I had to get to work.

OUT OF THE BLUE, my mother brings up that I have a different father, and that my brother "is ONLY" my half brother. WHAT!? Excuse me!? I was floored. My brother means the world to me, and to have her even step into that area to try to put a wedge into my relationship with him-- HELL NO. I remember feeling breathless and wanting to put my hand over her mouth. What is her purpose!? Again, what is up with her!? My brother was stunned looking, kind of blank. But I quickly changed the subject, and my brother followed suit.

I brought this up with my mother later-- saying that I would appreciate allowing me to divulge information about my life, and in regard to this, there was no reason to bring this up. She reminded that my brother being a half brother is only a 'fact', and I agreed but added that if the fact is so innocent and neutral why did she take such extensive efforts to hide this fact for DECADES. My brother has enough going on in his life (and believe me, he DOES), trying to shatter his sense of family for no reason is ruthless. Not only that, he is my ONLY family that is the pure, honest, and unconditional love from my original family unit of mother, Dad, and brother.

Next, about 6 years ago, we were sitting out on my back deck when she said that she is upset with my Dad to this day because he left her. SAY WHAT!? She said that although she was having an affair with his friend, she had no plans to leave my Dad. She said that she was forced to tell my Dad when my Dad's friend decided to tell his wife (he was in a miserable marriage and wanted out). Anyway, my mother said that although she admitted the affair and wanting a divorce, she said that my Dad abandoned her because he walked away. She said that he could have asked to stay and that she reminded him of that, but he just ignored her and walked up the driveway. All of this is SO typical borderline! Fear of rejection and abandonment! Anyway, that's why she becomes so CRAZY when my Dad is brought up-- he did the unthinkable for a BPD... he rejected AND abandoned her.

Once I was older, she would continually say to me how we are the only family we have and how much we need each other. I would never respond because I didn't view things the same as her. Although she had cut off her father, sister, son, and more, I hadn't. I didn't have an isolationist point of view like she did. She also talked about her Will more than once, reminding me that she would take care of me because my birth father won't be, my Dad won't be... so, she reminded, I should remember that she is the only one I've got.

Well, as I mentioned earlier, my mother and I didn't see eye-to-eye on my wedding thoughts: Little Women. And on that day that she blew up on me, saying that she is out of the wedding, she shouted out that she was going to call my birth father and tell him that he and his family aren't invited to my wedding. WHAT AGAIN!? This is the point that I got PISSED as it's one thing for her to be mad, threaten to stay out of my wedding, or whatever, but when she starts to bring people into her crazy rage, that's completely uncalled for. In the past she's started a campaign of denigration through letter writing and phone calls, but this time she is threatening to meddle right to my face.

I asked her why she would WANT to tell them they aren't invited when NO ONE was invited to the wedding as NO wedding plans had even been STARTED! She said again, "That's it. I am telling them that they aren't invited" as if to egg me on to talk about them. I told her not to mess with my life, and questioned why she would even want to try to hurt people like that, especially since it's an outright lie. Once backed into a corner, she went back to shouting that she is out of the wedding. I was baffled at her outrage. I was baffled at how she decided to handle herself. I was baffled at her attack on me. I was baffled at how she suddenly changed from the loving mother to the wicked witch.

By the way, my birth father wasn't invited to my wedding. Why would he be? My Dad is my father. Not only that, he was contributing to some of the wedding expenses-- why would I show my appreciation for his generosity by having my birth father, who gave up his rights as my father so that my Dad could take care of me since I was an infant, attend my wedding (especially given we don't have a relationship)!? What a huge slap in the face that would be! And why is my mother so insistent on having my birth father, Dad, AND step-father all in the same place at the same time!? Can't she see how uncomfortable that would be for not only them but for ME!? She left my birth father for her high school sweetheart (flying out to see her high school sweetheart BEFORE she even asked for a divorce), cheated on my Dad with his best friend, and is now married to my Dad's ex best friend. Do you really think these men want to hang out together? Isn't my wedding supposed to be the happiest day of my life? Why would she want to put me in such a NO WIN situation? And that's what she was trying to do that day on the deck when she brought all this up. I walked out of her house that day, and I haven't talked to her since. She, however, started a campaign of vilifying me that hasn't stopped to this day.

Looking back at my life, my mother created my path by meddling in my life:

• Taking away my birth father by removing all evidence of his existence (creating the deception and the first alienated father)
• Having me adopted by Dad
  
• Trying to push my Dad and me apart by bringing my birth father back into the picture (taking the first alienated father to assist in alienating the second father-- WOW!)
• Continually discrediting my relationship with my Dad to the present day
• Starting a campaigns of denigration against me
  
• Attempting to have my step-father replace my Dad (forcing the relationship)
  

Each move she made, she effected my life by trying to alienate me. She seemed to try to position herself as the only family member in my life, to create a dependence on her, and to attempt to guarantee loyalty so that she isn't rejected or abandoned (Borderline Personality Disorder).

As an All-Good Child, "forced teaming is an effective way to establish premature trust because a 'we're in the same boat' attitude is hard to rebuff" Gavin de Becker p 66. The Borderline mother promotes teaming with the All-Good Child with comments like "You're just like me" or "No one else understands me like you do" or like what my mother would always say to me, "We're the only family we've got". The Borderline mother's need to "merge" with the All-Good Child can push the child away-- just as my mother has driven me away.

"The Queen mother instigates chaos and conflict and then enlists her children to fight the ensuing battles" Lawson p 257. The Queen mother treats her children like "subjects", and adult children may take years to have the courage to tell the Queen mother the truth of how they feel, which may cause huge eruption. When I finally had the nerve to tell my mother how I felt, she completely blew up and we haven't talked since.

I have never felt like I had an authentic relationship with my mother due to not being able to express my true feelings about my fathers, or when I have expressed my true feelings about my fathers my mother hasn't accepted my feelings. Alice Miller encourages grown children to express themselves to their parents, both anger and pain, to develop an authentic relationship but warns of the danger of such openness with a Borderline mother. I have had to suppress feelings about my childhood, my parent's divorce, and my past with my mother as my mother is irrational, conditional, and not accepting of my thoughts, memories, and feelings-- it's important to note that returning to the past for the sake of the future is so important: to live life with unrestrained love and joy, to find your real self and free will. I don't have validation from my mother, her love is conditional, and her actions are vindictive. All of this has lead to my feelings of not having an authentic relationship.

Although my mother tried to guarantee my loyalty by alienating my fathers, she failed to keep herself honorable in my life as she has lost credibility, trust, and love through her ruthlessness, conditions, and bizarre nature of her moves. She did manage to effect my relationship with my Dad-- and of course effect my relationship with my birth father by removing him from my life as an infant. Now that she and I are estranged, and I don't have contact with my Dad either, I feel very alone in regard to parents... successfully alienated as a subject of my Queen mother's rule.

Understanding the Borderline Mother | Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage

In the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Lawson the topic of how the BPD mother organizes a campaign of denigration (p. 141), which is exactly what happened to me when my mother disliked what she was hearing about my wedding. Lawson says, "The borderline enlists others as allies against the person who is the target of her rage. She may seek out friends, family members (including siblings and children), and co-workers of her victim in whom to confide fabricated stories designed to discredit her enemy. She intentionally leaves out discussion of her own behavior, presenting the other person's behavior as entirely unjustified." This is EXACTLY to a 'T' what happened to me during this present estrangement with my mother. And the following is an account of one of those people who my mother recruited during her campaign.

When my brother recently got out of jail and my mother went to 'help' him (Adult Child in Crisis with Personality Disorder Parents) after not seeing or talking to him for ten years) my mother took my brother to visit one of MY old colleagues. WHAT!? Yeah. WEIRD. That's my bizarre (there's that word again!) mother.

This girl (we'll call her Bree) was one of my employees at several places I managed through the late 1980's and early / mid 1990's as she would work where-ever I managed. In the mid-1990's, she was diagnosed with the same physical disease as my mother. I ended up giving each of them each other's number so they could talk about their diagnoses, symptoms, and treatment. Apparently they kept up with each other more than I thought or knew about.

During the course of my relationship with Bree, I inadvertently discovered she had a cocaine problem but I never addressed it at work or told my mother as her cocaine usage didn't interfere with work or me personally. Additionally, I never talked to Bree about my mother and our conflicts & estrangements.

Around the time that my future husband asked me to marry him (2004), I had just graduated with a Master's Degree and was helping my mother & step-father get their house in order before taking a job. I was working there Monday through Friday, 8 hours a day, with the purpose of gutting out, organizing, and cleaning-- I received $15.00 per day for my time and effort (basically gas money there and back). I was not helping for the 'money' (obviously)-- the effort was out of love, respect, and caring.

At this time, Bree came to town. When Bree arrived in town, she wanted to get together with everyone (who is friend's with mutual friends of mine) during the day... and my mother's response was that I was working a 'normal job' and that Bree shouldn't expect me to just leave during work hours. My mother acted like a 'boss', telling me that I have a commitment to working at her house. So, plans were made to have everyone meet at night.

A bunch of the old employees that all worked together (including Bree, our mutual friends, and myself) met at a restaurant. Bree acted VERY STRANGELY and left early (like 10 minutes after the last guest arrived who drove over an hour to get there). I later found out from one of our mutual friends in attendance that Bree was acting so strangely because she was craving cocaine and wanted to leave to get some. The next day, I told my mother this story about Bree, her behavior, and the cocaine.

Long story short, my mother and I had that blow up about my wedding, and our estrangement starts (Little Women 2004). My mother then turns to Bree and tells her that I am claiming she's a drug addict. Bree, of course, doesn't fess up to the fact that she has a cocaine problem and that her fiance is a dealer... and instead supports whatever my mother says about me to save face.

My mother also tells Bree that I felt as if Bree was imposing on me when she came to town and that I was irritated with her interfering with my work and daily routine. My mother COMPLETELY twisted the entire scenario around as MY MOTHER was the one who was ticked that Bree expected me to leave working at my mother's house but then flipped the information in order to recruit Bree to her "let's hate Gretel Ella" bandwagon.

"Others may believe the BPD's allegations of mistreatment because of the intensity of emotion. Misinformation is calculated and constructed in order to destroy the victim's reputation. Those who do not know the true situation may not notice inconsistencies in the BPD's story. It is difficult to verify the truth because the intensity of the emotion dissuades others from asking details" Lawson (p, 141). I believe Bree believes the allegations because of the calculated and constructed nature of the misinformation as well as she never knew the background of my mother and my relationship dating back to my childhood. Plus, I think Bree's belief in what my mother was purporting was self-motivated as well, as Bree needed to save her own reputation.

Reciprocally, my mother feels more justified that she did no wrong to me in regard to blowing up over my wedding as Bree, my ex-colleague, backs her up with WHATEVER she says (alas, the organization of the denigration campaign mentioned earlier!). Bree also becomes an accomplice and informant for my mother. Months prior to my wedding, I find out from a mutual friend that Bree and my mother are planning on crashing my wedding. And then every so often, I hear that Bree is trying to fish for information from our mutual friend about me to give to my mother.

SO THIS is the person that my mother took my brother to see just as he left jail. WHAT THE HECK!!?!? Hmmm, that is the 'help' that my brother needed in such a pinnacle and critical time in his life? Seems very self serving and convoluted on my mother's part if you ask me.

BPD Mother | Meddling with Our Lives (1)

Recently my brother has been going through some very challenging times in his life. During this time, as I wrote earlier, my mother popped her head into his life by contacting him through Facebook (Rearing Their Ugly Heads) -- note that she couldn't contact me as I blocked her, so I am 'invisible'. Anyway, my brother opted to not communicate with her through Facebook, and also blocked her (not letting her into his 'world'), but decided to email with her.

In the very short time they've been emailing, he's gotten so deep into his financial obligations that he ended up in jail as he made a court appearance on a delinquent account ( Adult Child in Crisis with Personality Disorder Parents) and the court demanded money up front, which he couldn't pay, so they hauled him off to the clink. He's been collect-calling his fiance, our Dad, and our mother while in there. And my mother has now been communicating with my brother's fiance as well. UGH.

Just as I thought that I had some peace from the toxicity of my parents, here we go again. I don't know why, but my mother has been talking negatively to my brother's fiance (I have a solid relationship with the fiance). I am still BAFFLED as to why my mother, who would sing my praises up and down -- all day long, would (after not seeing eye-to-eye about my wedding thoughts... not plans as we had just gotten engaged: Little Women) cut me off, do a 180 degree turn, and vilify me. And just after I thought that I had cleared myself of this toxicity out of my life, as I haven't heard from her or had any damaging influence from her in 5 years, here she is AGAIN, stirring up her pot of brew.

I am just sick over how she has reared her head into the picture again, trying to appear like she is acting in my brother's best interests when she's only seen him ONCE in the last TWENTY years. They haven't even TALKED in the last TEN! All the sudden, like the crusader she is, she is trying to act like she knows her son and is going to rescue him, becoming the hero. Then she'll do like she always has-- knock him down with verbal & mental abuse and reject him once again. My brother needs support-- genuine, unconditional love-- during this time of serious trying times. My mother is the opposite of what he needs-- here goes this cycle with him, once again!

Anyway, all of this has got me thinking of her and how she would say to me (even just before we started this recent estrangement in 2004), "You are all I have, I am all you have. I am the only one that will take care of you, as your Dad won't look after you because he doesn't have your best interests in mind".

Now, what I left out of this blog, my history (In the Beginning), is that I had a different father at birth, and at a few months old, my mother divorced him in order to marry her high school sweetheart. He adopted me, and that is my Dad. My baby album and baby book were both altered, and absolutely no evidence of my birth father remained. No words were spoken about this birth father, but I did know about him. I didn't care-- my Dad is my Daddy, my father, and who I love. All my memories from the earliest are with my Dad, and I love him with all my heart.

When my mother messed around on my Dad with his best friend (late 1970's / early 1980's), and that whole tumultuous divorce happened (You Dropped a Bomb on Me), my mother had moved into an apartment. If you read in the blog about the divorce and all the crazy crap that happened, my mother and Dad had a very dramatic, confusing, and hurtful divorce that involved us kids. They both were going after each other with all they had-- which included using the kids to hurt the other.

Well, when I went to visit my mother for visitation when I was 13 years old, my mother, OUT OF THE BLUE, says to me one afternoon, "I know how to get a hold of your birth father. Would you like to speak to him?" I was taken back by the question but curious. I remember entertaining the notion, and we did speak to him for a short phone call. After that, I had no interest whatsoever talking to him again. LITTLE DID I KNOW, my mother used this information -- that I was in touch with my birth father-- to hurt my Dad. She leaked the information, making sure he found out. And I didn't find out until recently how much that hurt him. My mother is ruthless.

Now, later when I moved in with my mother as a teenager, she again pushed the idea of communicating with my birth father. What her motive was, I don't know for sure, but I feel like she was trying to 'right a wrong' (taking his baby from him and and abruptly leaving him the way she did) by getting me back in touch AND trying to hurt my Dad even more. Funny, but I was not interested in the least in getting together, talking with, or whatever with my birth father.

During a trip to Williamsburg, VA with my mother and step-father, I got a case of food poisoning VERY BADLY. I was very ill on the drive home as well, but my mother insisted that we drive by where my birth father lives, in the dark of the evening, and meet him and his family at a McDonalds. Remember how much I have used the word 'bizarre' in my blog posts?? Well this meeting epitomizes BIZARRE. I didn't have much to say, and I was like an animal on display at the zoo. After eating some burgers, we got back in the car and were on our way again.

My mother definitely had an agenda.

When she and I had an estrangement when I went off to college (she claimed that I didn't love her because I came into town and didn't call her: Out of the Nest), she proceeded to call my birth father and his family and tell them ALL KINDS of crazy things about me. She told them outright lies, very awful things. Why in the world would a loving, caring, and supportive mother do this type of thing to her child!? BAFFLING.

She certainly tried to create a wedge between my Dad and me. She tried as hard as she could to discredit our relationship, make him seem so evil (nicknamed him Captain Nasty), and would become enraged if his name was even brought up. I think she has tried to alienate me so that I am dependent on her-- trying to guarantee that I wouldn't leave her.

She has also brought up the fact that I have a different father than my brother to my brother at stunningly inappropriate time. First of all, why bring it up anyway--she created the deception from the very beginning! Second of all, I love my brother with all my heart & soul. I don't care of he's full or half blood, but why bring this up if it's not necessary!? Third of all, now that we are adults, and I know how I want to conduct MY life, I don't want to talk about the issue PERIOD.

Well, my mother hadn't seen my brother in TEN years when she went into the hospital for a pulmonary embolism in 1999. I flew my brother to see her as the condition could be fatal. This was the first time that my brother, mother, and me were all together in the same room in almost FIFTEEN years. So, we were all in the hospital room, and my mother was acting like Mr. Hyde. I don't know what got into her, but there she was in the hospital bed, being very boisterous, pushy, and rotten. I was trying my hardest to get my brother to the hospital in between working and so forth, and during this particular visit, I had to get to work.

OUT OF THE BLUE, my mother brings up that I have a different father, and that my brother "is ONLY" my half brother. WHAT!? Excuse me!? I was floored. My brother means the world to me, and to have her even step into that area to try to put a wedge into my relationship with him-- HELL NO. I remember feeling breathless and wanting to put my hand over her mouth. What is her purpose!? Again, what is up with her!? My brother was stunned looking, kind of blank. But I quickly changed the subject, and my brother followed suit.

I brought this up with my mother later-- saying that I would appreciate allowing me to divulge information about my life, and in regard to this, there was no reason to bring this up. She reminded that my brother being a half brother is only a 'fact', and I agreed but added that if the fact is so innocent and neutral why did she take such extensive efforts to hide this fact for DECADES. My brother has enough going on in his life (and believe me, he DOES), trying to shatter his sense of family for no reason is ruthless. Not only that, he is my ONLY family that is the pure, honest, and unconditional love from my original family unit of mother, Dad, and brother.

Next, about 6 years ago, we were sitting out on my back deck when she said that she is upset with my Dad to this day because he left her. SAY WHAT!? She said that although she was having an affair with his friend, she had no plans to leave my Dad. She said that she was forced to tell my Dad when my Dad's friend decided to tell his wife (he was in a miserable marriage and wanted out). Anyway, my mother said that although she admitted the affair and wanting a divorce, she said that my Dad abandoned her because he walked away. She said that he could have asked to stay and that she reminded him of that, but he just ignored her and walked up the driveway. All of this is SO typical borderline! Fear of rejection and abandonment! Anyway, that's why she becomes so CRAZY when my Dad is brought up-- he did the unthinkable for a BPD... he rejected AND abandoned her.

Once I was older, she would continually say to me how we are the only family we have and how much we need each other. I would never respond because I didn't view things the same as her. Although she had cut off her father, sister, son, and more, I hadn't. I didn't have an isolationist point of view like she did. She also talked about her Will more than once, reminding me that she would take care of me because my birth father won't be, my Dad won't be... so, she reminded, I should remember that she is the only one I've got.

Well, as I mentioned earlier, my mother and I didn't see eye-to-eye on my wedding thoughts: Little Women. And on that day that she blew up on me, saying that she is out of the wedding, she shouted out that she was going to call my birth father and tell him that he and his family aren't invited to my wedding. WHAT AGAIN!? This is the point that I got PISSED as it's one thing for her to be mad, threaten to stay out of my wedding, or whatever, but when she starts to bring people into her crazy rage, that's completely uncalled for. In the past she's started a campaign of letter writing and phone calls to degrade me, but this time she is threatening to meddle right to my face.

I asked her why she would WANT to tell them they aren't invited when NO ONE was invited to the wedding as NO wedding plans had even been STARTED! She said again, "That's it. I am telling them that they aren't invited" as if to egg me on to talk about them. I told her not to mess with my life, and questioned why she would even want to try to hurt people like that, especially since it's an outright lie. Once backed into a corner, she went back to shouting that she is out of the wedding.

I was baffled at her outrage. I was baffled at how she decided to handle herself. I was baffled at her attack on me. I was baffled at how she suddenly changed from the loving mother to the wicked witch.

By the way, my birth father wasn't invited to my wedding. Why would he be? My Dad is my father. Not only that, he was contributing to some of the wedding expenses. Why would I show my appreciation for his generosity by having my birth father, who gave up his rights as my father so that my Dad could take care of me since I was an infant, attend my wedding (especially given we don't have a relationship)!? What a huge slap in the face that would be! And why is my mother so insistent on having my birth father, Dad, AND step-father all in the same place at the same time!? Can't she see how uncomfortable that would be for not only them but for ME!? She left my birth father for her high school sweetheart (flying out to see her high school sweetheart BEFORE she even asked for a divorce), cheated on my Dad with his best friend, and is now married to my Dad's ex best friend. Do you really think these men want to hang out together? Isn't my wedding supposed to be the happiest day of my life? Why would she want to put me in such a NO WIN situation? And that's what she was trying to do that day on the deck when she brought all this up. I walked out of her house that day, and I haven't talked to her since. She, however, started a campaign of vilifying me that hasn't stopped to this day.

Looking back at my life, my mother created my path by meddling in my life, taking away my birth father, having me adopted, removing all evidence of my birth father (creating the deception), trying to push my Dad and me apart by bringing my birth father back into the picture, and continually trying to discredit my Dad and my relationship to the present day. Each move she made, she effected my life by trying to alienate me. She seemed to try to position herself as the only family member in my life, to create a dependence on her, and to attempt to guarantee loyalty so that she isn't rejected or abandoned.

Ultimately, however, she failed to keep herself honorable in my life as she has lost credibility, trust, and love through her ruthlessness, conditions, and bizarre nature of her moves. She did manage to effect my relationship with my Dad-- and of course effect my relationship with my birth father by removing him from my life as an infant. Now that she and I are estranged, and I don't have contact with my Dad either, I feel very alone in regard to parents... like I am parentless.