I have to add a post in here about the duration and extent of my parents' divorce. Their divorce started in 1979 and didn't fully complete until the mid 1980's. "If the borderline narcissistic couple divorces, battles over custody issues can continue for years" p 189 Lawson. The divorce was NASTY. They took each other back to court time and time again for custody battles, obtaining something the other wouldn't give them, terms of the divorce, and so much more. The divorce included teams of attorneys, psychiatrists, private detectives, character witnesses, taped phone calls, photographs, expert witnesses, and more. Basically, their divorce was a circus that costs TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars EACH, and involved many, many people... including me having to testify against my mother. For more about this type of divorce, see Narcissistic Borderline Couples.
"The most common campaign of denigration is organized against ex-spouses and ex-partners of the borderline. Divorces, separations, and endings of relationships can trigger full-blown war; thus, custody battles may continue for years. The borderline is consumed with annihilatory rage and may seek financial, emotional, and physical revenge" p 142 Lawson.
In regard to having to testify against my mother in 1979, the event was VERY traumatic and stressful for me. I felt extremely pressured by my Dad to do this, and I felt as if I were to display my loyalty and respect for my Dad, I would have to follow through with his wishes. I was a wreck, being taken out of school (7th grade) and going to the courthouse. Seeing my mother there was AWFUL. She was visibly distraught seeing her daughter in court with the motive to testify against her. My brother had backed out at the last minute, but I felt this overwhelming need to please my Dad and intimidated to say 'no' to him. Of course, everything my Dad had to say about this occasion was that I was merely 'telling the facts' and not doing anything wrong.
Looking back at it now, I think it was completely wrong on ALL levels. See subsequent blog entry: Adult Children of Parental Alienation. My parents should have never put the kids in the middle of their divorce. My parents should have never made us chose between parents. My parents should not have projected their pain during the divorce onto the kids. "Both the borderline Queen and the narcissistic King perceive themselves as innocent victims. The true victims, of course, are their children" p 190 Lawson. TO THIS DAY, neither of my parents admits to what they did to my brother and me-- and what they put us through for decades.
I found this very revealing study relating to Borderline and Narcissistic parents going to court for divorce. "There seems to be emerging a new kind of couple with which, I believe, courts are becoming more and more familiar. Although to date there is no diagnostic category indicating a collective diagnosis of this particular couple indicating their behaviors, pathological interactions, characteristics, and idiosyncratic nature of relationship, they are becoming an increasing concern to court officials in the area of family law. Moreover, judges, lawyers, counselors and court personnel are becoming more .baffled about this type of dyadic unit. They see them regularly but don't recognize that beneath their apparent stubborn, childlike behaviors are some real fundamental conflictual issues" Narcissist Borderline Couples
"The most common campaign of denigration is organized against ex-spouses and ex-partners of the borderline. Divorces, separations, and endings of relationships can trigger full-blown war; thus, custody battles may continue for years. The borderline is consumed with annihilatory rage and may seek financial, emotional, and physical revenge" p 142 Lawson.
In regard to having to testify against my mother in 1979, the event was VERY traumatic and stressful for me. I felt extremely pressured by my Dad to do this, and I felt as if I were to display my loyalty and respect for my Dad, I would have to follow through with his wishes. I was a wreck, being taken out of school (7th grade) and going to the courthouse. Seeing my mother there was AWFUL. She was visibly distraught seeing her daughter in court with the motive to testify against her. My brother had backed out at the last minute, but I felt this overwhelming need to please my Dad and intimidated to say 'no' to him. Of course, everything my Dad had to say about this occasion was that I was merely 'telling the facts' and not doing anything wrong.
Looking back at it now, I think it was completely wrong on ALL levels. See subsequent blog entry: Adult Children of Parental Alienation. My parents should have never put the kids in the middle of their divorce. My parents should have never made us chose between parents. My parents should not have projected their pain during the divorce onto the kids. "Both the borderline Queen and the narcissistic King perceive themselves as innocent victims. The true victims, of course, are their children" p 190 Lawson. TO THIS DAY, neither of my parents admits to what they did to my brother and me-- and what they put us through for decades.
I found this very revealing study relating to Borderline and Narcissistic parents going to court for divorce. "There seems to be emerging a new kind of couple with which, I believe, courts are becoming more and more familiar. Although to date there is no diagnostic category indicating a collective diagnosis of this particular couple indicating their behaviors, pathological interactions, characteristics, and idiosyncratic nature of relationship, they are becoming an increasing concern to court officials in the area of family law. Moreover, judges, lawyers, counselors and court personnel are becoming more .baffled about this type of dyadic unit. They see them regularly but don't recognize that beneath their apparent stubborn, childlike behaviors are some real fundamental conflictual issues" Narcissist Borderline Couples
Being the pawn tossed around in a divorce battle is trying, especially when a borderline mothers reputation is on the line. When my parents divorced (I told my father to for my mental sanity!) I spoke to the judge and asked to live with my father. My mother, who for the first time was really challenged and threatened by me went to such extreme levels to sabatoge in any way she could. Like you say, she will never admit to any wrongdoing. I remember being court ordered visitation with her, and as we were walking down the block near my house she was acting typically fake and up to something asking suspicious questions about my father and I in her strange voices. I tripped over a pebble on the street, momentarily not being side by side, I noticed a tape recorder behind her back! She was upset she was caught, got defensive and made up something to justify her sneaky maliciousness. I stormed off, insisting i gave her a chance and that her trust was completely invalidated, screaming down the street in my upper-middle class neighborhood. I imagine she must have been terrified of exposure, as like you've mentioned, dr jekyle/mr heyde (best actress ever)could have been caught..I remember being hysterical and saying admit one thing you've done to me in the past 16 years, i bet you can even do that. I stopped, and gave her a chance, well knowing she couldn't, and stormed on. I refused to have visitation with her from that point onward, but she just stalked me.. never can get away!
ReplyDeleteBravo to you! You are a strong person-- keep it up. I applaud you :)
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