What Happens After No Contact ?

I think some good information has been given already about HOW to go no-contact. I want to address a different question: "When all is said and done, what will life look like, now that I'm not in a relationship with the BPD?"

When the emails finally stop coming, when the notes on your car disappear, when the phone finally stops ringing, and any necessary restraining orders are in place, what happens next?

I've been NC for nearly four years now. I speak from the experience of being a child of a uBPD/uNPD marriage, so your situation may be different. However, I think these tips can help anyone who's returning from Oz and trying to re-adjust to life on Earth.

1) When the BPD relationship goes away, don't expect YOUR habits of reacting to go away.

Eliminating the harsh, difficult-to-navigate relationship with the BPD will bring a lot of relief to your heart. However, all of us as nons developed habits to allow us to cope in these relationships. These include, but are not limited to:

a) being hyper-sensitive to other people's moods
b) rescuing
c) apologizing all the time
d) tiptoeing around others (being afraid to offend others, not voicing our own opinions, changing opinions so that others
will like us, etc.)
e) continuing habits that they ingrained in you ("the cabinets should be organized this way." "Why do you make your
bed that way?" )
f) feeling bored without all the drama that a BPD relationship causes

All of these habits can be conquered, but it will take time, therapy, and practice to do so. You will fail a time or two, and that is completely normal. Just don't expect them to go away simply because the abuser is out of the picture.

2) Perfectionism does not equal "normal"

Now that we have the freedom to pursue healthy relationships, it's only natural that we will want to avoid unhealthy patterns at all costs.

However, we must resist the temptation to fit everything into the mold of what we perceive as "normal." Homes, friendships, relationships, and families cannot fit into the idealized pictures we have in our heads. After being away from "Earth" and in "OZ" for so long, we may be a bit disillusioned when we discover that Earth is not paradise.

For example, my uBPD was my mom, so therefore I try to be a "perfect mom" so that I won't continue in the BPD family tradition. "If the house isn't magazine-perfect, or the clothes not ironed, or the baby not totally happy, then I MUST be just like my mom." That's a lie, but it's still easy to believe.

The truth is that all people--even the non-crazy ones---are imperfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and we will too. In our pursuit of a normal, healthy life, we must not worship perfection. As we return from Oz, we must be gentle to ourselves as we re-adjust to Earth's gravity.

3) Be prepared for "The Nag"

Being in a relationship with a BPD can put you under a pile of negative comments. Both my momster and the other BPD in my life (an ex-friend) had a particular gift for words. They knew exactly what to say that would hurt. LONG after they were gone, as I went about my daily (imperfect) life, every time I would fail, I would hear this little voice pop up and say,

"See, you didn't return that girl's phone call, you really are a lousy friend."
"Your husband isn't home YET? I told you he would leave you someday."
"Oh god, have you not lost that baby weight yet? Your husband's eyes will start roving."
"You're just like your mother--see? Your daughter's crying and you can't make her stop. She won't even eat right."

These awful words do not disappear with the person. I envisioned a witch (with a long, warty nose) who would follow me around and wag her finger at me, telling me all the things I was doing wrong. I named her "The Nag," and I've come to understand that she can stay with me long after uBPD momster and ex-friend have hit the highway. Again, just like #2, I have to understand that no one is perfect,and I am not perfect, even if my uBPD's expected me to be.

We must learn to recognize the lies, and consistently counter these lies with truth. That means saying positive, affirming things to yourself when these lies come at you like flaming arrows. Yes, it feels hokey at first, but as nons, we're often not used to believing positive things about ourselves. We have to start somewhere.

"My husband has not left, he's just at a meeting, and he'll be home soon."
"All kids cry sometimes, and all kids have foods they don't like. That doesn't make me a bad mom."

If you can't turn the lies into truth, at least write them down, and ask yourself, "Would I say this to another person?"

4) Expect others to not understand, and have a plan.

Pastors, neighbors, well-meaning relatives, and perfect strangers may be dragged into your life by the BPD. After hearing his/her sob story, these innocent bystanders will all be more than happy to give you their opinion on your choices. They can spend endless amounts of time and energy trying to persuade you to re-establish contact. After being controlled by the BPD for so long, the words from the others can deeply hurt, and make you doubt your own decisions and sanity.

"But she's your mom. You can't cut her out of your life."
"I saw her, she wasn't that bad."
"Why don't you consider the good times too?"
"Well, there's two sides to every story....." (with the implication that part of it must be YOUR fault as well.)
"The Bible says honor your father and mother."
"I think she might commit suicide if you don't talk to her."

Any suicide threats need to be taken to 911, not to YOU.

As the Non, you must remember that BPD's can present different sides of themselves to different people. DO NOT, under any circumstances, allow someone else's perception of the BPD to influence your decision. They may see a completely different person than the one YOU see.

For your own sanity, document everything. Write down memories in a journal, record conversations if possible, and give yourself the gift of TRUSTING your own perceptions.

If a friend or family member is persistent (and therefore harmful) in their attempts to reconcile the two of you, you should consider going no-contact, or extremely limited contact, with that person as well.

5) Have plans for holidays, family occasions, etc.

The one good thing about holidays is that they typically don't change. smiley Christmas doesn't sneak up on us. Thanksgiving is always in November. Religions that follow the lunar calendar know at least year in advance when they'll be facing a potential family-get-together.

That gives you plenty of time to plan. What will you do? Who will you see? Who will you not see? Who will be attending? Where will we go? And the most important question why are you doing all these things?

It's all-to-easy to subject yourself to unnecessary stress, or even break NC, because:

"It's Yom Kippur, we're suppossed to forgive each other, right?"
"Let's have a little Christmas spirit!"
"This is the way we've done it every year---how dare you make us change it around YOUR needs?"

Family traditions are great, but in BPD-enmeshed families, they're often a dysfunctional dance on eggshells. Take the time to seriously evaluate if you will participate, why you want to participate, and what the consequences will be.

Every year since going NC with my mother, every Thanksgiving has been a no-holds-barred "Get Taylor to talk to her mom" pseudo-therapy session. I finally decided that holidays were suppossed to be celebrated in joy, not obligation and guilt. I decided to spend holiday with my friends and immediate family, and was amazed by the peace I felt.

6) Allow yourself to grieve.

Even though the BPD is gone, the pain and the memories can pop up at the most random places. Just like grieving a death, so many things can trigger memories of your relationship. Processing through this pain allows you to heal. Stuffing or denying the pain also denies you the opportunity to heal, just like ignoring a broken bone. Expecting the pain can make the experience less of a shock to your system.

The first Christmas I spent at my husband's house, I noticed how his mom had made displays of all the awards he had earned in high school and college. There were photos and notes about his accomplishments, and smiling pictures of my husband with his family.

I sat on the bed and wept like a child. I knew that there was no house anywhere on the planet where my accomplishments would be treasured like that, except as a source of narcissistic supply.

At the time, I allowed myself to think, "Aw, maybe I'm grieving because I should be with my BPD." No, that's not true. Grief is a response to a loss, not an indicator that you did the wrong thing. Grief should be looked on as a natural part of this process. Experience it, learn from it, and continue to grow. But do not allow the grief to carry you back into the relationship.

7) Understand that you WILL second-guess yourself....

....but that is NOT a reason to break NC.

Distance from the BPD is a double-edged sword.

On the one hand, it allows us the freedom to think our own thoughts, feel our own feelings, and live our own lives. On the other hand, without the constant reminder of the BPD's presence, it also allows us to forget many of the reasons why we went NC in the first place. Good memories of our time together with the BPD can bubble up to the surface. We can find ourselves wondering if we were intolerably cruel to the BPD, if we were bad children/lovers/friends, or if we were, in fact, the crazy ones.

This is where the journaling in step 4 becomes invaluable. Whenever you start wondering "Should I re-establish contact?" the first thing you need to do is re-read your records of why you went NC to begin with.

Has anything changed? Has the BPD admitted that she has a problem and needs help? Will the relationship be any different, or will the BPD simply use your period of NC as further evidence that you did, in fact, abandon her/act disloyal/break her trust, yadda yadda yadda....?

I was very fortunate. I went NC before I knew anything about BPD, so I was totally navigating in the blind. About every three months (especially when I was pregnant) I would long for my mom with such a deep intensity that it was physically painful.

By the Grace of God, right as I was about to re-establish contact, my mother would pick that exact time to do something stupid. I'd get 5 messages on my voice mail that ranged from friendly (like nothing ever happened) to psychotic--in the space of two hours. I'd get re-engaging phone calls from family members saying that, "Something is wrong with your mom, she needs you right away." No, she doesn't. She just called me chewing me out. She's fine.
This happened five separate times. My husband used to say, "Hey, you're due for another family crisis, it's been 3 months since the last one." :smiley

You will doubt yourself. Count on it. Heck, if it helps, write it on your calendar two months from now: "You'll probably wonder if you should break NC. Don't."


8 ) Take care of yourself.

In her book "Understanding the Borderline Mother," Lawson shares that survivors of concentration camps would shower regularly, even though they knew there was a chance they could die that day. The survivors later said that they could tell who had given up hope, by whether or not that person showered. Lawson goes on to urge people that have survived a relationship with a borderline to "bathe themselves in goodness and light," by taking care of their bodies, minds, and spirits.

__________________________

My friend found this piece as a post on BPD Family: Facing the Facts. The tid-bits of wisdom and guidance that Taylor provides are spot-on, insightful, and has advice that each one of us BPD survivors (or others estranged from family members) can extract. Hope you enjoyed!

Borderline Personality Mother Charged with Aggravated Murder and More

I have been following the story of this poor little boy (Ethan Stacy) who was 4 years old when his father (Joe Stacy) had to turn him over to the estranged mother (Stephanie Sloop) for visitation rights-- part of the court order of their divorce. Ethan didn't want to go with his mother as he didn't want anything to do with her-- he was scared of her and he thought she had abandoned him. The father had to make him go or else he would go to jail for contempt of court. Ethan flew from Florida to Utah to be with his mother on April 30, 2010. He was reported missing 2 weeks later, and then the mother confessed that her new husband (Nathan Sloop) beat and abused him to death. To top it off, they used a hammer to beat the boy's face so that the police wouldn't be able to identify him.

This story has captivated me as my heart has cried out for the little boy and the father. And I am blown away that a mother could sit back and watch her new husband literally beat / abuse her child to death for two weeks, and then help the new husband to hide the boy (they hid the boy in their house when they ran off to get married, the mother didn't seek medical help when Ethan was vomiting all day and non-responsive, and the mother didn't report the any of the abuse including the burns that her husband inflicted on poor little Ethan). PLUS she got the materials necessary from the store (along with Slushies for herself and her husband) in order to conceal the boys identity when they buried him in a far off location.

Anyway, charges were finally filed against Stephanie and Nathan Sloop for the crimes at the end of May after several weeks of gathering evidence. The Sloops have been charged aggravated murder as well as second degree felony child abuse, second degree felony obstruction of justice and third degree felony abuse or desecration of a body. They are going to be facing the death penalty.

HERE IS THE KICKER>>> I have been following this since mid-May and have been SICK (literally) over what happened to the boy. I followed the boy's funeral and even joined two Facebook groups in support of Ethan Stacy and his father. Now today, during my reading of the case against Stephanie and Nathan, the fact that she was diagnosed with BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER when she was 13 years old was revealed! WHOA! My heart skipped a beat! They also said she was highly narcissistic, a pathological liar, and listed a bunch of typical BPD things she has done in the past. Here's an excerpt from The Salt Lake Tribune:

Stephanie's former friends say she has always been difficult. As a teenager, she would sneak out at night with boys. She once brought a physical abuse charge against her stepfather, a false accusation, according to an ex-friend. The charge was dismissed.

Joe, her ex-husband, says Stephanie's mother once told him she had been diagnosed at age 13 with borderline personality disorder. She often bragged that her purse was a pharmacy, say former friends. "She had a lot of prescription pills from doctors," says Joe. "She'd always know just what to tell them."

Stephanie enlisted in the Air Force, but was other-than-honorably discharged during basic training, says Joe. After a brief early marriage, Stephanie met Joe in Orlando via a mutual friend and married when she was 21.

Over the years, Stephanie sometimes worked as a dancer at strip clubs in Cocoa Beach and Daytona Beach, according to friends. She also dabbled in modeling from a young age, she says on her Model Mayhem website. She claims to have been a Bud Girl and a Jager Girl in bar promotions, and was trying to get into the "Playboy Hot Housewives" special edition last year. But whether that was a real possibility is up for debate. "She is a pathological liar," says Carla Jones, a former friend.

Rodriguez, the mother of Joe's two older children, had a ringside seat for the drama that surrounded Stephanie. Her children lived with Joe and Stephanie for four years; a flight attendant, Rodriguez visited often. Stephanie pulled all kinds of shenanigans to try to make Rodriguez's life miserable, she says. She tried to get her fired, falsely accused her of neglect and bad parenting in custody court and with child services; and cracked into her employee account at Continental Airlines, as well as her MySpace, Facebook and eBay accounts. "Stephanie is not a stupid woman. She's very clever," says Rodriguez. "She always seemed to cover her tracks."

Stephanie insisted Destrian and Alisa call her "mom" and their real mom by her first name, says Rodriguez. She monitored the few phone conversations she allowed between Rodriguez and her children. "She always had to be Number One," says Joe. "She was so narcissistic." Rodriguez says she didn't know, until much later, how much her children disliked their stepmom. Destrian says Stephanie expected him to take care of baby Ethan from the start. Their father was often gone for two weeks at a time, working as a roustabout on an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. "She really never changed his diapers," says Destrian. Stephanie would spank Destrian and Alisa with a metal spatula, and whack the backs of their heads with the back of her diamond-ringed hand, the siblings say.

"We felt we were back in the slave days," says Alisa. "She used to make us make her alcohol drinks, clean the pool, clean the bathroom until it was spotless white." Alisa went to friends' houses rather than invite them to her own. "I was afraid she would yell at me in front of my friends," says Alisa. "She yelled for stupid reasons. "She threatened my dad so much it got me mad." When a relative gave Destrian and Alisa laptops for Christmas, Stephanie sold them, says Rodriguez. When their mother sent clothes, Stephanie threw them away. When she sent cash, the kids got empty envelopes. Stephanie wanted people to think of her as the perfect mother, Joe says. "But behind closed doors, it was a whole different story." "I tried to get her to be more of a mother," he says. "But she was not cut out to be a mother....She just is a person with no patience."

After Joe slipped on an oil rig in late 2008, a fall that required surgery to insert two titanium rods in his neck, things got rocky, he says. Stephanie began commuting to Las Vegas to dance at a strip club, and eventually moved there in late spring 2009. Joe intended to move the family to Las Vegas in August, but Rodriguez fought the move because she could not easily fly in and out to see her children.

Joe returned to Orlando with Ethan, and late last year to his home state of Virginia. Destrian and Alisa went to live with their mother in Illinois.Joe filed for divorce in October, and in a motion for temporary custody in November he said Stephanie had abandoned Ethan and was "unstable," and that he feared she would take Ethan and never return him.

For an excellent time line of sorts with details of Stephanie and Nathan Sloop: http://www.websleuths.com/forums/showthread.php?t=105719

Dealing with Estrangement

I consistently receive questions from readers asking when will they be free of the confusion, anger, sadness, control, and all of those other negative feelings surrounding the abusive parent. No easy answer is available for that question.

You may have wanted to have that loving relationship with your parent your whole life. You may have been seeking that acceptance your whole life. You may have been trying to achieve closeness with that parent, and now, through introspection, research, or some other method, you realize that your parent is unable to give you what you have been seeking. That's a tough pill to swallow.

Another tough pill to swallow is that you really want to be surrounded by loving parents, and the disappointment and emptiness that surrounds you when you either get treated poorly by them or are estranged from them only compounds as time goes on. Our parents were our role models as kids. Our mother is supposed to be our first 'true love'. Our parents are deemed almost perfect in our innocent child eyes. So when we finally come to terms with the fact that our parents are not who we thought they are or that we can't take the treatment anymore and estrange ourselves from them, a hole is left that they used to fill. That hole is very noticeable during holidays, our birthdays, and times when having that family relationship is very welcoming.

As time goes on, the pain eases but I don't think one ever 'gets over' not having a parent in their life who is walking around on this Earth. Let's face it-- those who have loving relationships with their parents don't simply forget their parent when their parent dies. So why would we, who are estranged from our parent, simply forget? We won't-- and we will have to struggle with those times where the wish... the memory ... the what ifs pop into our heads. And at that time, we have to love ourselves enough to know that we have done what is right for ourselves and our loved ones and have faith that we are leading a happier, more peaceful, and more fulfilled life due to our choice.

Having a solid and loving support group around you is so vitally important. During the times of questioning, having these folks around helps to keep your feet on the ground, thoughts in the correct direction, and emotions in check. These folks have your best interest in mind-- unlike the one who from which you are estranged and the estranged's cronies.

So, my answer to those who are just venturing into estrangement or who have been grappling with the pain of estrangement and ask me when will I get over this-- when will I forget -- when will this be easier... I will answer that time eases all wounds, but you will never forget. You will understand and accept-- but you won't forget. This person is one of your parents. You will have to deal with these thoughts, emotions, and circumstances throughout your life, whether the parent is here on Earth or passed on. Seek acceptance-- and keep love in your heart for those who support and honor you.

Stress and External Pressures Amplify Personality Disorder Symptoms

Personality disorders exist on a continuum from mild (traits) to more severe (disorders) relative to how prevalent and to what extent the symptoms of the personality disorder are demonstrated. While people can live pretty normal lives with mild personality disorders (or more simply, personality traits), during times of increased stress or external pressures (work, family, a new relationship, etc.), the symptoms of the personality disorder magnify and can seriously interfere with emotional and psychological functioning. Those with a personality disorder possess several distinct psychological features including :

• disturbances in self-image
• inability to have successful interpersonal relationships
• inappropriate range of emotion
• misperceptions of themselves and the world
• difficulty possessing proper impulse control
  

Personality disorders are a group of disorders characterized by pathological trends in personality structure. In other words, on an ordinary day the individual can display a lack of good judgment or poor relationships, accompanied by little anxiety and no personal sense of distress. Imagine how this can intensify during times of stress and pressure? A personality disorder in itself is an inflexible and maladaptive pattern of behavior on an ordinary day; however, in times of increased stress or pressure, that inability to be flexible and adapt is further amplified.

The rigid and on-going patterns of thoughts and actions causes the individual with the personality disorder to become even more rigid and further spiral into dysfunctional, destructive, or delusional patterns of thoughts and actions. Due to the chronic use of inappropriate, stereotyped, and maladaptive coping mechanisms on an average day, increased stress and external pressures can cause even greater inappropriate and maladaptive reactions. These deeply ingrained and inflexible patterns of relating, perceiving and behaving are serious enough to cause distress or impaired functioning on a typical day-- imagine the result when increased stress or external pressure is present? Now imagine if that increased stress or external pressure is long-term?

My parents have personality disorders (mother= Borderline Personality Disorder; Dad = Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I have had periods of time with each that were copacetic and happy. However, their personalities became amplified, challenging to handle, and increasingly dysfunctional during times of increased stress or external pressure. Holidays, birthdays, and major life-changing events like graduations and weddings have also proven to be times when emotional and psychological functioning becomes further impaired; thus, conflict and challenges erupt and escalate.

Increased stress and external pressures directly correlate with flare-ups of my parents' personality disorders. Whether my mother is exhibiting unhealthy emotional and psychological functioning due to my Dad's business trips, parents passing, extramarital affairs and divorce, child leaving for college, or a child getting married -or- my Dad is exhibiting dysfunctional emotional and psychological function during the divorce (use of Parental Alienation Syndrome), retirement, child moving, or child having a baby, each parent became dysfunctional, delusional, and destructive at times. During major holidays and birthdays, their personality disorders flare-up and frequently conflicts, challenges, and maladaptive behaviors are exhibited Let's compare experiences with my parents against personality disorder psychological features listed above with a few examples:

Disturbances in self-image

When my mother gained weight from her illness, she stopped going out of the house (basically hermit-ed herself) saying that she doesn't recognize herself in the mirror, that she can't believe her husband stays with her because she's so ugly and fat, and degrading things about her body, hair, and face. She didn't do anything to assist with feeling better or losing weight, rather she spiraled into a junk food eating frenzy, obsessively online shopping, hording, and sleeping long periods.

My Dad's image is ingrained in his power, or the sense of power he believes he wields. When he retired, that control over others and the environment was decreased, and thus, he started treating his family like his former employees / clients. His self image is greatly rooted in his narcissistic viewpoints of himself, creating a larger than life persona of himself in his mind.

Inability to have successful interpersonal relationships

My mother is estranged from her sister, son, daughter, step-grandmother, and father. Further, she has a group of friends, and then after a period of time, she completely disconnects from that group and reforms a new group, from which she will later disconnect. When she disconnects, typically she has created a reason (imaginary) to be upset with the person, thus the group because she views them as loyal to the person and not her, and she retreats.

My Dad doesn't see his grandchildren from either his son (my brother) or daughter (me). He sends cards and occasionally presents but doesn't invest in formulating meaningful relationships with any of the 5 children. He does, however, have relationships with his two step-grandchildren.

Inappropriate range of emotion

This category is a BIG ONE in regard to my BPD mother. Her inappropriate range of emotion is brought-on predominately by her BPD's fear of abandonment and rejection: (1) when I was a child and my Dad would go on a business trip, prior to the trip my mother would lock herself in her room and cry about how he can't leave (2) when my mother's mother died, my mother locked herself in a dark room and took Valium. She didn't attend the funeral, which included not taking her two children to the funeral (my brother and me) . When my grandfather died, she didn't attend the funeral either-- nor when her grandmother died at 103 years old did she attend her funeral (3) during the divorce from my Dad, my mother was obsessed with hurting my Dad in court and otherwise, later claiming that **he left her ** since he was the one to walk away after she revealed her affair with his friend (4) when I left for college, she blew up when I returned to town and didn't spend time with her one weekend. She instructed me to not come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas then ultimately left all my possessions on the street. We were estranged for almost a half decade thereafter (5) When I announced my engagement, my mother became enraged and said she was out of my wedding (although my fiance and I hadn't even progressed into the planning stage yet!) when I didn't agree with her ideas of how to handle the extended families. We haven't spoken since.

My Dad's inappropriate range of emotion is avoidance (deep-sixing to avoid or controlling to avoid): (1) after my parents announced they were getting a divorce, my Dad took us to see a movie. My Dad continued to use this distraction technique when stressful situations arose. I always found this very strange that when a huge, life changing situation occurs, we go off to see some comedy at the movie theater-- surreal times. (2) My Dad retired around the time I became pregnant and my husband took a new position. My husband's new position paid higher but was approximately 15 minutes further from my Dad's house. My Dad didn't congratulate my husband but became upset and very critical causing a great deal of distension. He continues to gossip to friends / family about my husband's job change to this day. (3) When my newborn baby cried when my Dad held her, my Dad claimed she's not "normal". He carried on about this every time he saw her, exaggerating to friends / family that he hadn't held her since she was 3 months old... then 3 weeks old... then 3 days old.

Misperceptions of themselves and the world

My mother thinks she is the victim at all times. She also champions campaigns of denigration, is a crusader, and a conspiracy theorist trying to uncover the conspiracy. She has gotten high ranked executives fired, thought that my grandfather was murdered, thought that her father-in-law attempted to kill her mother-in-law, went after her sister in regard to the inheritance from their father, and battled my Dad in court for almost a decade. Additionally, she thinks she is socially engaging when she is actually socially inappropriate (vulgar, sexual, intrusive in nature).

My Dad is highly narcissistic and thus thinks he is much more important in situations and relationships than in reality. He loves when people need him (even if those people are actually using him) and loves to be the center of attention.

Difficulty possessing proper impulse control

This category is another big one in regard to my mother. Her actions and words illustrate her lack of impulse control, ranging back to when she was a young girl. She married her 1st husband to get out of living with her parent. She divorced husband #1 when I was a few months old after she had an affair with her high school sweetheart (his man adopted me and became my Dad). My mother had an affair with husband #2 (my Dad) with his best friend and subsequently divorced my Dad to marry husband #3. She jumped from one college to another, never finishing until her 30's. Also, she is a compulsive spender, buying all sorts of unnecessary items and hording. Additionally, she does not screen what she says causing some very awkward and embarrassing times for those around her (which she is clueless).

My Dad clearly exhibited impaired emotional and psychological functioning (controlling, manipulative, brain-washing, utilizing Parental Alienation Syndrome) during the divorce from my mother. The results of PAS have been long term and very damaging to my brother and me. Decades have passed and we are still sorting-out and coming to terms with what happened to us.

These personal examples are only a few and only superficial in detail. Looking back at my life when the distention arose, I can clearly see a pattern where my parents dysfunction was magnified when times were more stressful and with greater external pressure. Holidays and special events always seemed to be riddled with negativity, judgment, and criticism. Happy times often turned sour due to unexpected and sudden shifts in a parent's attitude, perception, or expectations. I remember so many times feeling crushed from wanting to please my parent but only being saddened by their reactions. Now I understand that their ways of handling stress and pressure was not a result of anything I did-- they are accountable and responsible for their actions and reactions. I also realize that if their personality disorders manifest in pathological trends on ordinary day, then the pathological trends are certainly amplified on stressful and pressure filled days / weeks / months-- so I know what to expect to an extent.

If you are involved with a person that has a personality disorder or trait, keep in mind that increased stress or external pressures can intensify the dysfunctional, already impaired behavior. Understanding that the pathological trends can be even further intensified gives you the ability to prepare yourself.

Childhood Passport Filled with Toxic Guilt Trips

Ahhh, Those Guilt Trips

I went on so many trips with my parents that I can't even begin to count them. These trips weren't fun trips, however. They weren't vacations, get-aways, or holidays-- these trips were guilt trips. My parents managed to guilt trip me all the way into adulthood. Somehow, I always felt a great deal of responsibility and fault.

With a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother and a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Dad, they were both masters at creating guilt trips. I tried and tried and tried to make each of them happy, walking on eggshells, at the expense of receiving none. That 'none' is the toll of living in such a relationship.

Childhood Passport Filled with Guilt Trips

So what exactly is a guilt trip? Guilt trips are about violating boundaries, controlling someone, and a method of manipulating through indirect and passive-aggressive tactics. Toxic guilt is associated with a desire to apologize, make reparations, and be forgiven for something for which you don't have responsibility. Toxic guilt stems from a focus on bad behavior that already occurred, is a negative and confidence crushing feeling, and is a matter of one's conscience. Toxic guilt is a tool used to make someone feel badly.

On another note, guilt can be 'good'. Good guilt makes you pay attention to the feelings of others and makes you feel badly if you hurt someone. It also redistributes emotional distress so that the wronged person doesn’t end up being the only one feeling poorly. Good guilt makes us apologize for wrong-doings and compels us to do things we don’t really want to.

When you're brought up in an environment where you have been unfairly blamed for the wrongs of others, emotionally abused, or pitted against one parent by the other, the adult child may not have the ability to stop feeling guilty-- this is toxic guilt. Absorbing feelings of guilt, accepting blame, and being passive contribute to the guilty feelings. This early pattern of accepting other's guilt creates difficulty with stopping feelings of guilt about the past.

Guilt trips are a very powerful tool, and I had a challenge with guilt trips and toxic guilt from my parents for many decades. In addition to the guilt, I started to have symptoms of anxiety starting in the mid-late 1990's. I believe the anxiety is a result from the long-term guilt I was experiencing compounded by the post traumatic stress that I experienced from the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and emotional abuse from my parents' personality disorders.

As a child after very traumatic experiences I had when my parents were tugging at my brother and me, I distinctively remember thinking , "I know I am handling this stress right now, but long term repercussions will show up later in life." I could feel internally the knots and sickness from the stressful & abusive experiences and buried it all deeply. I was a strong pillar for my brother and myself, but no matter how strong I was, I still had that guilt nagging at me with almost every decision I made that involved my parents. I never felt like I could win-- all the way up to the last estrangement with each parent (mother 2004; Dad 2008)

I have so many stories I could tell about the guilt trips I experienced through out 30 years; however, I have picked out a select few:

• I can truly say that I was ripped in half during my parents separation and divorce, initiating in 1979. No matter what I chose, one parent was hurt or rejected. This scenario was not my doing, and my parents shouldn't have created such a scenario; however, they did-- and my brother & I suffered with traumatic, stressful, and decisions NO CHILD should EVER have to make. Choosing one parent over the other is HORRIBLE... and creates a guilt ridden situation that is a no win. To this day, I can't have a relationship with both parents at the same time. Note that my parents will say they didn't make my brother and I choose, and they will also say that we can have both of them in our lives at the same time. The Reality: The truth is that all FACTS surrounding the respective relationships illustrate that (1) we had to choose one parent over the other and (2) how we HAVE NOT had both parents in our life at the same time consistently.
  
• When my parents separated in 1979, my brother and I lived with my mother while my Dad lived in an apartment about 2 miles away. My Dad would intercept me during my walk to elementary school and give me a ride. During that ride, he would cry and tell me how horrible life was without my brother and me. He would proclaim how much he missed us. Seeing him cry and hearing him profess how miserable he was truly played on my heart strings and I felt incredibly guilty for residing with my mother and leaving him all alone. The Reality: my brother and I were subjected to Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) as children, which this was one of the examples where my Dad inflicted the emotional abuse. With PAS, one parent tries to turn the child(ren) against the other parent.
  
• In 1979 when my brother and I moved into my Dad's apartment, my Dad aided and abetted a heart-wrenching situation at Christmas. My brother and I were supposed to visit with my mother and decorate the Christmas tree. Due to overwhelming feelings of not being loyal to my Dad and also being very scared of my mother due to the PAS my Dad inflicted, my brother and I decided not to visit with my mother. I felt incredibly guilty imagining my mother all alone with the bare tree sitting there surrounded by boxes of decorations. For more on this story, visit Who Dunnit 1980 The Reality: my brother and I made decisions as children based on the severe PAS subjected by my Dad. My mother to this day holds my brother and me accountable as if we were adults at the time making these decisions. Multiple layers of guilt exists with this example.
  
• In the early 1980's, I resided with my mother. She would have me call my Dad with a script of what to say. Additionally, she had the phone hooked up to a recording device. If I didn't follow her instructions, she would berate me on how my Dad is so horrible and how he has taken advantage of her and me. Not wanting to create a miserable living experience with my mother, I would follow her command and make the calls. The guilt I felt after the calls was immense. The Reality: Being a child under emotionally abusive conditions, I should have not felt guilty for which actions I was not responsible. My mother subjected me to Parental Alienation Syndrome (which this example is just one of many where my mother took extraordinary efforts to hurt my Dad), and I felt very guilty about how my Dad was being alienated and treated.
• In the late 1980's, my mother and I were estranged; however, she made contact with me by showing up at one of my jobs. My Dad caught wind that my mother was trying to reenter my life. Subsequently, he showed up at one of my jobs to tell me that if I started communicating with my mother again that he would disown me. I mulled over the decision to open communications with my mother, and the guilt that I felt about choosing one parent over the other was very troubling and clouded my thought process. The Reality: Having to choose one parent over the other is extremely heart-wrenching and creates a huge fall-out in one's emotions, as no matter what your choice is, you hurt someone. My parents should have never subjected my brother and me to this treatment from childhood to present.
  
• My mother was diagnosed with an illness in the early 1990's. I had opportunities for incredible career and salary growth; however, due to my mother pleading about how she was so ill that I couldn't leave her, I opted not to take the promotions. Her guilt trips halted my career growth as I felt stifled that any decision I made would leave her deserted in her time of illness and need. The Reality: I am the only one that can to control my life and to manage my life. Making decisions based on the guilt laden statements is not sensible or reasonable-- however, at the time, the guilt trips clouded my decision making and ultimately caused decisions that were not in my best interest.
  
• My mother and I would get together every Monday for shopping and dinner in the early to mid-1990's. If canceled, she would send me on a guilt trip. I rarely canceled as the repercussions were worse than the joy I would have had with the friend / event. The Reality: a relationship based on control and guilt is not authentic. I was always searching for an authentic relationship with my mother and feeling forced into weekly visits with her only furthered the feeling of an inauthentic relationship.
  
• In the late 1990's, my Dad and I started visiting often. During this time, he would slip me money in private. He would always tell me to keep it to myself and not say anything to anyone. I was very touched that he was thinking of me and reaching out to me: planning ahead to give me the money, pulling me away from the rest of the group, and showing interest in me. I felt guilty for the time that had lapsed in our relationship when we didn't have contact. The Reality: I found out years later that the money he was slipping me was from my grandmother's death-- the money that she left me that he never gave me when she passed away. So, not only should I have not wasted time feeling guilty for the time that lapsed in our relationship as I was not the only player in the situation, but I shouldn't have been so gullible to his overly generous gestures. Our prior estrangement was due to my Dad not paying for my college (which he was legally obligated to do per the divorce agreement where he obtained all the equity in the house from my mother in exchange for paying my brother's and my undergraduate college expenses), claiming me as a dependent after I had not resided with him for 8 years which prohibited me from attaining scholarships & grants, and dropping me from the group car insurance without telling me until I discovered I was driving with no insurance 6 months after the fact. People don't change, and I gave him too much credit, thus fell for it hook, line, and guilt trip.
  
• When I met my future husband in 2000 and I knew our relationship was going to blossom into a life long journey, I fretted how I was going to handle a wedding. No matter what situation I imagined for my wedding, I felt guilty about the situation in which someone would be placed, whether my birth father, Dad, or step-father, siblings, or mother. No matter what I imagined, someone would be uncomfortable-- and that included me. My wedding was a no-win situation and one that I felt guilty about even before any wedding plans were made. The Reality: In the end, no amount of worry or guilty feelings prevented my mother from flying off the deep-end about my wedding. My mother was ready to be mad at me no matter, and we are still estranged to this day. I should have aimed to please myself and my fiance without worrying about trying to please everyone else as well.
  

The power of guilt is overwhelming. Guilt can cloud your decision making, lead to anxiety, and make your life your life one convoluted mess. Andrew Vachss in You Carry the Cure in Your Own Heart says: They use guilt the same way a loan shark uses money: They don’t want the “debt” paid off, because they live quite happily on the “interest.”

By the way, my debt is paid. I have stopped feeling guilty. And I can say that the guilt stopped when I took control of MY LIFE and started making decisions that were best for me. I stopped feeling guilty when I reassured myself that I am doing the best I can and that my parents are the ones treating our relationship with carelessness, disrespect, and abuse. Believing in myself and understanding my past have been powerful tools in combating guilt. And knowing that I am leading my life towards my aspirations and vision are incredibly liberating.

The Effects of Guilt Trips

With constant toxic guilt, a series of emotions and altered the state & structure of the brain can be experienced. Guilt can be immobilizing, cause anxiety & insomnia, and affect mental stability. Toxic guilt leads to the mind denying access to natural feelings that are now blocked. The guiltier one feels, the ability to make effective and healthy decisions is decreased.

Guilt can also have many negative effects on not just the mind but also on the body. "Guilt could potentially immobilize you. You can become so overcome by the fear of doing, acting, saying, or being 'wrong' that you eventually collapse, give in, and choose inactivity, silence, and the status quo" James Messina from "Handling Guilt".

How to Stop Taking Guilt Trips

• Understand Yourself: be clear about who you are, what you want, and what you are willing to do. Acknowledging each of these assists in dealing with the abuser's agenda. Having this clarity makes you less vulnerable to the control of guilt trips.
  
• Just Say No: communicate your limits and take control when someone is trying to lay a controlling guilt trip on you. Pleasantly agree to disagree. Be prepared for a reaction from the abuser that (1) you are being difficult or (2) attempting to place blame on you for creating a conflict by disagreeing. The abuser may even take the situation so far as to expect you to 'fix' the relationship if the result of you disagreeing throws him / her over the edge-- expecting an apology or promise to not disagree again. Stick to your guns and don't do it.
  
• Echo Back: when someone is trying to take you on a guilt trip, echo back what is being communicated to you. For example, "Are you saying that if I don't _____, then I am not being a good son / daughter?"
  
• Ask for Clarification: use his / her words to flip the situation back. For example, "I have the feeling that you are upset because ______. Is that right?"
• Mental Toughness Training: simply put, push yourself over feeling guilty: (1) tell someone how you feel (2) be ready to stand up for your beliefs (3) be ready for the challenges that will come your way (4) let go of the guilty feelings (5) be ready to fight and continue to fight to keep control of the situation
• See a Trained Professional: through the use of a psychologists, you can explore why you feel guilty and how to not take those guilt trips anymore
  

Overcoming guilt doesn't happen overnight, but with practice, a guilt free life is within reach. If you feel guilty again, go over the decision to think and act for the benefit of your mind, body, and soul again. Continue to practice the points above and know that you ARE worth the efforts! Now that I am guilt free from my parents, I can reflect back and see how controlling the guilt was and how my decisions were guided by these indirect and passive-aggressive tactics. In my situation, I wasn't able to truly break free from the guilt trips and toxic guilt until I was free of my parents. Once I maintained no contact, I have had closure-- I am free.

Borderline Personality's Hallmark | Fear of Abandonment and Rejection

The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) individual possesses an intense fear of abandonment that interferes with many aspects of his / her life. The fear often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy as they cling to others, are very needy, feel helpless, and become overly involved and immediately attached. When the fear of abandonment becomes overwhelming, he / she will often push others out of his / her life as if trying to avoid abandonment. The cycle most often continues as the BPD will then try everything to get people back in his / her life and once again becomes clingy, needy, and helpless. The fact that people often do leave the BPD only 'proves' to support the distorted belief that he / she is insignificant, worthless, and unloved. At this point in the cycle, the BPD may exhibit intense and sudden anger, directed both at self and others, as well a difficulty controlling destructive behaviors.

The borderline mother may display dramatic or hysterical behaviors, overreaction to illness and accidents, and dramatic displays of rage or withdrawl. BPD's can self-destruct as a result of fear of abandonment and often use emotional blackmail to control others. Children of BPD mothers often struggle with feelings of shame, anxiety, and guilt. My mother has exhibited all of the above, and as I result I have struggled with anxiety and guilt.

Distinctively I remember several times my BPD mother becoming uncontrollably hysterical in the hospital when I was to leave from visiting. I also remember when my Dad would go on business trips, my mother would become hysterical begging him not to leave her. She also has overreacted to her illnesses through the last two decades, creating a terminal illness situation where she is in dire straits. Yes, she is ill, but not so ill that she can't dust her thimble collection which she had me come over to take care of! And through the years, the mention of my Dad has always thrown her over the edge-- he's been the catalyst of her rage since their separation in 1979. And although the separation and subsequent divorce was between her and my Dad, I have been the recipient of her rage in regard to him. Even the smallest mention of him can send her into a fit of rage. She wields guilt with skillful agility, and she is able to skillfully manipulate your emotions to suit her needs at the time.

My mother and I have been estranged off and on in 5 year cycles for most of my life. During 'good' times, her BPD symptoms consisted of inappropriate social behavior, bouts of depression, impulsive behaviors (shopaholic, over-eating, hording, self-medicating), and unstable patterns of social relationships. During the 1999 - 2004 period, her dysfunctional and critical behaviors were not aimed at me, and therefore, we floated along in a relationship.

I had the opportunity to ask my mother why she became so enraged with the fact that my Dad sent me a box of dishes in 1996-- to the point where she called me a 'bitch' and hung up the phone on me and we didn't talk for almost 4 years. She explained that she wanted to be assured that I could live life without her. She said it was a test. Hmmmmm...

As a side note, I had been living on my own since 1985 (11 years at this point). I don't know why she would feel compelled to see if I could manage without her when I have proven I could live as a single woman for over a decade. If she was wondering if I could emotionally handle living without her, we had already gone that route when I was estranged from her in the 70's and then 80's for periods of time. Her explanation was rather bizarre (there's that word again!) BUT gave me reassurance for what I already knew-- my mother was the driving force behind the explosions of rage, her turn from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, and the estrangements.

The estrangement in the 1980's ended after several years when my mother showed up unannounced at my job. I was flabbergasted when I looked up to see her standing there-- and I didn't want to hear what she had to say. I had made it on my own through college, I secured three jobs, I saved up and purchased a car, and I had my own place that I paid for on my own. I was out on my own and doing well, and I didn't feel comfortable letting her back into my life. I gave her a chance to speak her mind, sitting in my car after I got off of work. She said that she wanted to start repairing our relationship, explained that she got "help", and promised she wouldn't do what she did to me again (she became enraged that I came in town from college for a 24-hour period and didn't see her, stating that I don't love her. She asked me not to come home for Thanksgiving & Christmas and put all of my possessions on the street. I had exams and couldn't pick up my possessions so I had to send friends). I decided to let her back into my life after the talk in the car, and our relationship was okay for a period of time.

Prior to our current estrangement (2004 Little Women), my mother and I were getting along. We visited with each other at least two times a month, I was helping her to get her house organized & cleaned (including her illustrious thimble collection), and we talked on the phone often sharing life experiences. If my mother had remained stable as describe, I could tolerate her quirks and maintain contact. I never thought I had an authentic relationship with her, however, as I had to walk on eggshells around her regarding my Dad, my childhood, and any discussions related to either.

My current estrangement started mid-way through 2004 when she didn't agree with what my then fiance (now husband) and I were discussing in regard to our wedding. We didn't have any wedding plans; in fact, we hadn't even started doing any planning) In my opinion, the estrangement with my mother didn't occur because she blew up about the wedding-- the estrangement occurred because of:

• a complete loss of trust originating from her campaign of denigration (horrible criticisms, lies, exaggerations, and manipulations) against me (Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting her Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and
• how she distorted and manipulated the facts of what happened

If she simply expressed her disagreement with my wedding in a controlled and thoughtful manner, the estrangement may not have happened AT THAT POINT. Now don't get me wrong-- the estrangement would have happened as it's happened about every 5 years. SOMETHING would have set off her fuse and caused a blow up to which she would over-react. But the actual conflict, disagreeing with what I had to say about my wedding, wasn't the cause of the estrangement. The estrangement was caused by all of my mother's behavior THEREAFTER that got worse and worse and more bizarre as days when by. After only 24 hours, my mother had already started talking poorly and spreading lies about me & the situation to whomever she could email. Loving and supportive mothers do not treat their children in this manner.

And therein lies the root of the Borderline's tragic personality-- what drives the Borderline's personality is their real or imagined fear of rejection and / or abandonment. Clearly her cycles of depression, manic, and psychotic phases of BPD are evident through her patterns of estranged relationships: myself, her father, her sister, my brother, her three husbands, circles of friends discarded. So, with the wedding being an event where she perceived a potential abandonment, she flipped the situation to where she claims I rejected her... or as she puts it, I 'kicked' her 'out' of the wedding.

More specifically, Borderlines have such a fear of abandonment that they set-up a situation to be rejected. The BPD turns a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde, seemingly out-of-the blue, around the time that they feel threatened by rejection or abandonment. Along with a huge blow-up that is irrational and not based on reality, the BPD starts a campaign of denigration to turn friends and family against her target of rage (me in this case).

Despite how nonsensical this sounds to you the reader, this behavior is part and parcel of the BPD personality. The BPD is essentially beating the target of rage (me) to the punch by starting a situation that ultimately must end in an estrangement, and in the process attempts to gather the target of rage's (my) friends and family as allies in order to confirm that it's not his / her fault. The Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation accompanied by the campaign of denigration is usually too much for the target of rage (me) to handle; thus the target of rage (me) retreats and the BPD's fears of abandonment come to fruition by all fault of his /her own. The result is an estrangement with the BPD pleading she /he is the victim. The target of rage (me) who went from being idealized to devalued almost instantaneously, is left stunned and puzzled in regard to the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation.

Even in the absence of my wedding, another situation would have certainly presented itself where my mother would have flipped her lid, and the idealization of me would have instantaneously changed to devaluation. This pattern has presented itself in the 70's, 80's, 90's, and 2000's where my mother would flip her lid about petty or minuscule things ending with an estrangement.

Another point is that the incident that initiates the conflict is not what causes the estrangement. What causes the estrangement is my mother's behavior that progressively gets worse and worse thereafter: anger, venom, hatred, manipulations, gossip, and lies. Trust is damaged time and time again-- until the trust is completely lost. This present estrangement, unlike the other 3, is permanent.

The tragic cycle of the BPD:
fear of abandonment and rejection
resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Critical Parents | How Much is Too Much?

How much is too much criticism from your critical parent? How long do you keep on wishing things will change when things stay the same-- criticisms, judgment, and nit picking? How many second chances do you give your critical parent? What steps do you take deal with the critical parent? When do you draw the line and create boundaries? When do you separate yourself and when do you cut ties all together?

How to Deal with a Critical Parent

Understand that a parent who gives in to the desire and need to criticize a vulnerable child is on some level cruel, ignorant and completely unaware. Why else would they give in to the temptation to make their own children feel so badly about themselves? They either lack understanding as to what their words are doing, or they lack kindness. Either way, they are lacking. Every time they criticize you, tell yourself that this shows that they are the ones who are flawed, not you. Just remember that just because you're genetically linked (or adopted by) this person, doesn't give him / her the right to mistreat you.

How to address your critical parent can be a tricky proposition. People in general can become defensive, retreat, or run away. But when the person is your own parent, so many more dynamics come in to play. And although you may make the most honorable, loving, and concerted effort to keep the relationship afloat, your parent may not see things the same way you do. The following is a series of steps I took to approach my critical parents:

1. Do Nothing: For a long time, I did nothing. I thought that after time, the judgmental criticisms would go away when I proved myself to be worthy. I thought that after I exhibited my independence and showed how successful I was as a person, my parent would magically become this nicer, unconditionally loving, and careful parent. WRONG. Obviously, doing nothing won't change how your critical parent treats you. So if doing nothing is the option chosen, you'll have to accept that he / she is the one that is flawed and know that he / she will not change. I wasn't to that stage, as I kept blaming myself. Not until I started to understand that my parent was the flawed one did I start seeing the light and coming to terms with the relationship.

2. Communicate: I tried communicating my desire for an unconditional and loving relationship with my parent and expressed how I felt when I left from a visit-- dejected, empty, and sad. The result? My parent became more critical, more judgmental, and more dysfunctional.

Alice Miller encourages grown children to express anger and pain to their parents, not to punish or change, but to develop an authentic relationship. When you say no more, the word "no" is a word that never should be negotiated because the parent who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. Declining to hear "no" is a signal that someone is either seeking to control or refusing to relinquish control.

So, if you opt to communicate your displeasure with your mistreatment, be firm with your stance and consistent with your reactions. Be honest and relate that the criticisms really hurt. Being honest like this is hard but if you want to have a relationship with your parent and not tolerate the abuse, speak your mind to try to improve the situation. Further, let the parent know that you no longer want to hear their criticisms and sharing them with you is no longer an option. And if your parent decides not to accept your feelings or your requests, realize that you own your feelings and that you have every right to feel the way you do and that every relationship has mutual respect. Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself.

3. Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries was the next step. When I was a teenager, keeping involved in school activities and functions kept me from being at home and the recipient of the mistreatment. Once I was out on my own, I physically separated myself from my parents. For example, if you live next-door to your parents, consider moving to the other side of town. If you live in your parent's house, consider renting an apartment or buying your own home.

I also limited calls and visits. For example, if your mother asks you to call every day, politely explain that you are only able to call once a week. Or, if your father demands weekly visits, kindly explain that you are only able to visit one weekend a month. Along with limiting calls & visits, I set boundaries on the amount of time my parents spent at my home-- and dropping by unannounced was a big no-no. If violations of boundaries occur, let the parent know immediately and remind the parent of the boundaries.

In my case, the boundaries didn't help in regard to criticisms. The criticisms coming from my parent only accelerated as time progressed. Even if I only saw my parent three times a year, I left every single visit feeling terrible. My parent would completely crush me with snide or off-hand comments, cutting comments at opportune times, and make mountains out of mole hills leaving me completely baffled as to where this treatment was coming from.

4. Separate Yourself: Now I was forced to take the next step, which was to separate myself-- not a permanent estrangement or no-contact situation, but a time for reflection and review of the relationship. During this time, I politely turned-down invitations for get-togethers and avoided communications with the parent. My goal was that through keeping this space between myself and my parent, time may ease tensions and make appreciation for the other grow. My hope was that my parent would be more grateful to see me, softer with approach, and also realize errors in the way I was treated. Nope. Maybe things were a bit brighter upon the first visit after the separation, but the critical treatment quickly returned and at a greater intensity.

The single greatest power adult children have is the ability to GET AWAY. Simply talking aobut the source of danger does not make it go away. Saying, "I won't tolerate being treated this way" and failing to leave demonstrates lack of conviction and ambivalence.

Remember some parents have a need for perfection and tend to be judgmental by nature. They see the flaws, instead of the strengths, and in every human, if you look for flaws, you will find flaws. Such parents are wired to find the glass half empty, instead of half full. This has nothing to do with you, or who you are, or what you are worth as a person. Such people rarely, if ever, change. Let go of the belief that if you tried harder you would suddenly gain their approval. You won't.

The giver of criticism, rather than the receiver,
is usually the one who has a problem and needs to change.

5. Estrangement / No-Contact: So after decades of trying and progressive steps to try to 'create' a loving and compassionate parent, I decided to stop trying. First off, you can't change anyone... but YOURSELF. Second, life is too short. Acknowledging both of these points, I made a conscious effort to surround myself with loving, approving people. I broke off all contact with my critical parent and made sure that my life was filled with people who see the good in me and who aren't too afraid or too petty to give me the affirmation and positive feedback my soul deserves.

Sure I wish things were different. I would love to have a warm and loving relationship with my parents. Sure I wish I had parents that are accepting and supportive-- but that's not what I was given. And because I recognize and understand where my parents are coming from, I chose not to participate. I chose to be happy. I chose to have love in my life. I chose to have people in my life that see the GOOD in others.

If a person can't see the good in others, he / she is lacking
basic qualities needed for healthy human relationships.

I am presently estranged from both of my parents, but each relationship manifested itself completely differently. What was the drawing-line in one relationship was not the same drawing-line for the other. My Dad's relationship was progressively souring, whereas my mother's relationship was cyclical with a distinct blow-up suddenly initiating an estrangement. In other words, my Dad & my relationship was a slow decline leading to an estrangement, and my mother & my relationship went into an estrangement abruptly.

My Mother: the suddenly critical parent

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and we've been estranged off and on in 5 year cycles for most of my life. During 'good' times, her BPD symptoms consisted of inappropriate social behavior, bouts of depression, impulsive behaviors (shopaholic, over-eating, hording, self-medicating), and unstable patterns of social relationships. During the 1999 - 2004 period, her dysfunctional and critical behaviors were not aimed at me, and therefore, we floated along in a relationship.

Prior to our 2004 estrangement, my mother and I were getting along very well. We visited with each other at least two times a month, I was helping her to get her house organized & cleaned, and we talked on the phone often sharing life experiences. If my mother had remained stable as describe, I could tolerate the quirks and would maintain contact. I never thought I had an authentic relationship with her, however, as I had to walk on eggshells around her regarding my Dad, my childhood, and any discussions related to either.

My estrangement with my mother started mid-way through 2004 (Little Women) when she didn't agree with what my then fiance (now husband) and I were discussing in regard to our wedding. We didn't have any wedding plans; in fact, we hadn't even started doing any planning) In my opinion, the estrangement didn't occur because she blew up about the wedding-- the estrangement occurred because of:

• a complete loss of trust originating from her campaign of denigration (horrible criticisms, lies, exaggerations, and manipulations) against me (Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting her Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and
  
• how she distorted and manipulated the facts of what happened.
  

If she simply had blown-up about the wedding and then let things cool down to where we could move on, the estrangement may not have happened AT THAT POINT. Now don't get me wrong-- the estrangement would have happened as it's happened about every 5 years. SOMETHING would have set off her fuse and caused a blow up to which she would over-react.

And therein lies the root of the Borderline's tragic personality-- what drives the Borderline's personality is their real or imagined fear of rejection and / or abandonment. Clearly her cycles of depression, manic, and psychotic phases of BPD are evident through her patterns of estranged relationships: myself, her father, her sister, my brother, her husbands (3), circles of friends discarded. So, with the wedding being an event where she perceived a potential abandonment, she flipped the situation to where she claims I rejected her... or as she puts it, I 'kicked' her 'out' of the wedding.

More specifically, Borderlines have such a fear of abandonment that they set-up a situation to be rejected. The BPD turns a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde, seemingly out-of-the blue, around the time that they feel threatened by rejection or abandonment. Along with a huge blow-up that is irrational and not based on reality, the BPD starts a campaign of denigration to turn friends and family against her target of rage (me in this case).

Despite how nonsensical this sounds to you the reader, this behavior is part and parcel of the BPD personality. The BPD is essentially beating the target of rage (me) to the punch by starting a situation that ultimately must end in an estrangement, and in the process attempts to gather the target of rage's (my) friends and family as allies in order to confirm that it's not his / her fault. The Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation accompanied by the campaign of denigration is usually too much for the target of rage (me) to handle; thus the target of rage (me) retreats; therefore, the BPD's fears of abandonment come to fruition by all fault of his /her own. The result is an estrangement with the BPD pleading she /he is the victim. The target of rage (me) who went from being idealized to devalued almost instantaneously, is left stunned and puzzled in regard to the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation.

Even in the absence of my wedding, another situation would have certainly presented itself where my mother would have flipped her lid, and the idealization of me would have instantaneously changed to devaluation. This pattern has presented itself in the 80's, 90's, and 2000's where my mother would flip her lid about petty or minuscule things ending with an estrangement. Her disagreement with my wedding wasn't the reason for the estrangement-- my mother's reaction to the disagreement that was the reason. Her reaction was one filled with anger, venom, hatred, manipulations, gossip, and lies, which all led to a complete loss of trust. During the Dr. Jekyll times, things were good. During Mr. Hyde times, estrangements occur. Thus, the cycle of BPD.

My Dad: the always critical parent

In contrast, my Dad is a completely different story. My Dad doesn't cycle through varying behavior, attitudes, or dispositions. He is always a selfish and a highly critical narcissist, who is getting worse as he is getting older and retired. He loves the blame game and guilt trips. He enjoys criticizing, nit-picking, and judging. He's a prolific gossip and loves manipulating those around him for his gain. He feels like the world revolves around him, loves being the center of attention, and demands a great deal of praise & admiration from others. He takes advantage of those around him and lacks empathy.

Whether not my last straw happened in December 2008 (Holidays Leading to Last Straw), our relationship had been on the downswing for years. In fact, when my husband & I had left from our Thanksgiving 2008 visit, I knew that I would not continue subjecting myself, husband, and now child to this toxic, dysfunctional, and very criticizing experience. Since the early 2000's, I have left visits with him feeling empty, dejected, and sad. No matter how I set my mind to having a positive experience prior to the gathering, it never failed-- I would leave feeling horrible.

Conclusion-- How to Handle the Critical Parent

No two parental situations are exactly the same, so what may work in one situation may not be the best in another. However, doing something to improve your situation is imperative when dealing with a critical parent. By simply being conscious of the effects of criticism, you'll actually begin to negate the effects. Bringing to the surface the impact of criticism can actually help it dissipate and lose the power it has in your life.

Steps to gain control include: doing nothing, communicating your feelings and expectations, setting boundaries, separating yourself from your parent, and estrangement / no-contact. Steps can be completely skipped or passed through quickly depending on the individual situation.

Most importantly, let go of the hope that your critical parent will ever change. Stop looking for approval from the parent. Understand why the parent is like this, but stop looking to them for approval and support you will probably never get. Having a critical parent is not your fault, and you can't make this critical parent into a kind and approving parent.