Sunday, February 8, 2009

Holidays Leading to The Last Straw (2008)

I had all of my Christmas shopping completed by the end of October (prior planning baby!). I wanted to be able to enjoy my holidays and not have to worry about shopping in crowds and traffic (especially living over an hour from the nearest mall). Two days before Thanksgiving, my Dad calls me to tell me that he is going to have everyone draw names (at Thanksgiving) for Christmas presents. I explained that my husband and I had already thought out, purchased, and wrapped presents for my step-sister, her husband, her daughter, my step-mother, my step-brother, his girlfriend, and himself. He said we are drawing names regardless.

I felt totally stomped on... first of all, him telling me what to do, but more importantly, completely disregarding the fact that we had already done our Christmas shopping (spent time thinking out thoughtful gifts AND spent a wad of money on them!). I should have simply told him that we aren’t participating, but my first reaction is always to please. And as much as I try to please my Dad, I never succeed.

Well, when we go to draw names on Thanksgiving, I end up drawing a name for a relative that lives out of town. I didn't know that relatives that aren't going to be present for our Christmas celebration would be included... so not only do I have Christmas gifts that I want to give but Dad is not allowing me to give, I am giving my one gift to someone that I won't see open the gift. I thoroughly enjoy the GIVING aspect of Christmas... I relish it, and I love to spoil those around me, so to not get to see anyone open a gift is disappointing.

Thanksgiving wasn't a happy visit. At one point, I walked into the kitchen to find my Dad and daughter heading to go outside. I approached and asked what's up, and my Dad responds, "Great. You just ruined it."

I said, "Ruined what?"

My Dad responded, "We were going outside, and now you've ruined it."

Without realizing what my Dad was talking about (thinking he was being sarcastic), I said, "Cool, let's go out and see the birdies".

I started to lead my daughter down the steps (she still needs assistance at this point at 21 months), and he says blatantly, "She can do it on her own."

I ignored him and assisted her as she needed. Once outside, we walked over to the side of the yard and I commented on the pretty birds flying around the back. My Dad shook his head and said, "This is not what I was wanted. I am going back inside."

I asked what was wrong, and he repeated, "You ruined it."

So, I take it that he wanted to go outside with his grand-daughter, and when I showed up, he wasn't going outside with her alone. But to treat me with such disregard and so rudely was unnecessary. I felt so small at this point-- and pissed off.

My Dad was nonexistent most of the visit. He never talked to me one-on-one (rarely does any way) and made snide comments when he could. One comment that broke my heart and I captured on film was when my daughter was playing on the floor quietly with a toy, and my step-mother & Dad took my niece into an embrace. Upon embracing her, they said to my daughter, "If you weren't the way you are, you could be part of this". My little daughter couldn't understand what they were saying, BUT I SURE DID. She is too young to feel the impact of that statement (that there's something 'wrong' with her), and she just looked up at them innocently and kept playing. Then later my step-mother said the same thing when she was hugging my niece again. This behavior is dangerous. I have a known danger, and I am completely negligent to allow my child to be around this any more.

On the blog Narcissists Suck, Anna Valerious is very poignant about a known danger like my Dad, "I want to deal with the moral necessity of protecting one's children from a known danger. What I have marveled at in myself and in others is that we have endured so much pain, both physical and emotional, inflicted by our narcissist parent and, yet, we somehow see our way clear to allow our abuser access to our own young. The disconnect in our thinking is rather breath taking when approached rationally without making mental exceptions for the familial connection." This statement REALLY hit home. From this point forward, I decided that I could not have my daughter influenced or effected by my Dad. How I was going to go about protecting her, I hadn't decided at this point.

During Thanksgiving, my husband’s folks were down in Texas, as my husband’s sister had her baby. His folks had expressed interest in coming to visit us for Christmas BUT after his Aunt’s death, moving into his Aunt’s home, and going to Texas for two weeks, they didn't know if they would be coming for Christmas. We told my Dad this during our Thanksgiving gathering.

Well, about a week before Christmas, my husband’s folks decided to drive down on Christmas Eve and stay for a couple of days and then drive back. Anyway, due to the long drive down on Christmas Eve, my husband thought it was not fair to put them back into the car on Christmas day, so he emailed my Dad, my step-mother, my step-sister, and her husband, explaining the situation, letting them know we wouldn't be stopping by on Christmas day, and inviting them all over for the Saturday after Christmas. Everyone responded positively and supportive except we heard nothing from my Dad.

Well, just before Christmas my Dad emails my husband: "Sorry for getting back this late but a lot has been going on and I needed to think about this e-mail. As Gretel Ella can tell you, I am a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to holidays- especially Christmas, so it came to me with great disappointment that you have decided not to come for Christmas day. We have been doing this for so long- I hate to end the string. But, it is your decision so we will just have to live with it. As for Saturday, we will let you know asap"

This email threw me for a loop because:
  1. My Dad is saying that my husband’s parents aren't allowed to have a Christmas with us because he has the tradition??
  2. He made the note so dramatic saying he had to think about it (recall that my husband had concluded his email: "This will be their first Christmas without Aunt _______ since, I think, 1971 when my dad was in the Philippines during the Vietnam War" ... but my Dad still has to "think" about my husband’s folks coming for a visit? He doesn't understand that there are more people in this life, this family, this Christmas than him). NO EMPATHY. VERY SELFISH.
Anyway, back to the gifts. The last thing I said above is how I drew a name for a person out of town. Well, my husband drew my step-mother's name. I ended up getting 4 calls in one day from my Dad (this is a man that doesn't call me on my birthday nor called me OR my daughter this past Christmas) which I ended up talking to him finding out that Dad wants my husband to trade names with my step-brother because as my step-brother ended-up with my step-sister's (his sister's) name-- and my step-sister won't accept a present from him (her brother). Did you catch all that?

I explained to my Dad to call my husband since the issue is regarding the name he drew AND that my husband had gone shopping and may have gotten something already. Well, Dad didn't take no for an answer and said that my husband couldn't have gotten anything as my step-mother hadn't told him what she wanted. And then he cut off the conversation by declaring that my husband has my step-sister's name, and now my step-brother has my step-mother's (his mother's) name. I was baffled. My husband was pissed that he didn't have a say in any of it. Again our gifts that we bought with our hard earned money are just tossed aside for my Dad's agenda.

Now, back to my husband’s Mom and Dad coming down for Christmas. I get an email from my step-sister that says, "As long as it is okay with you, we will send our presents for your daughter on Saturday - we weren't expecting to pay any shipping charges and to be honest, it's just not in our budget. It is my understanding from Mom that if either of us has either of you then we should ship it to your house in time for Christmas Day."

At this point, no one is supposed to know who drew whose name... so my husband, who 'drew' my step-sister's name, packs her gift and ships it. I don't know who has my name, and I don't get anything in the mail. So by Christmas Eve, I send out a blanket email to all involved in the drawing that if a package was mailed, that the tracking should be checked as the package may be lost.

Well, lo & behold, my step-sister was the one who drew my name, and she sends me a NASTY response saying that she didn't mail my gift because it's 'not in her budget' (recall that I drew a name of a family member out of town, and without complaint, I mailed the gift), that if I am not attending I shouldn't be included in the Christmas drawing, and that she'd send it along with my Dad for the Christmas get together on the Saturday after Christmas. I don't know what the heck my step-sister ended up saying to my Dad, but he jumped to HER defense saying I shouldn't have made such a big deal about my gift.

Now, Christmas comes and goes. No call from my Dad (I called him and left a message). No card from my Dad. Nothing for my daughter either. Christmas night, I talk to my brothers and I find out that my Dad has been calling them ALL PISSED OFF saying that my husband and I knew that his folks were coming down for Christmas back during Thanksgiving and that we purposely hid it from him-- that we deceived him (what!?!?). He said that we should have paid for his folks to fly down here-- or that they should pay for a flight themselves, so that their driving travel wouldn't interfere with his Christmas gathering. I was totally shocked that my Dad was (1) gossiping about my husband and me behind our backs (2) that he's stirring things up rather than talking to my husband and me.

Next day, Friday after Christmas, my Dad emails me saying: "Sorry I didn't get your call till this morning, but, as you know, I rarely hear my cell phone ring in the house. I'm really bummed about the e-mail goin' ons and the present situation. I wish you had not made such a big deal of it, it wasn't worth it. As for tomorrow, I think we will have to pass on coming up to your house. I don't think now would be a good time in lieu of what has gone on."

I was dumb-founded when I got this. Pass on coming to the house because of all that's gone on!?!?!
  • First of all, why do I have to call my Dad on Christmas for him to call me? Why didn't he want to talk with his granddaughter?
  • And as far as my present, I was worried that someone's efforts were lost in the mail... plain and simple. My husband & I have been the ones to have our gift efforts stomped on and disregarded. And by the way, the gift that my step-sister claims she didn't have in the budget to ship for me, was a small bottle of perfume. She couldn’t afford the shipping? It’s not in their budget? I don't understand all of this selfishness.
  • And then for Dad to cancel on us the night before coming over. I got an EMAIL from canceling our Christmas gathering that was curt, not friendly, and lacking in any kind of joy or affection. He said that me not receiving my Christmas gift is 'no big deal' (but my step-sister's sure was for him to call me 4 times and have her name traded), and that he didn't call me on Christmas because he didn't get my message (couldn't he take the initiative to call me?).
The next I hear is that Dad is gossiping to my brothers that all he wants is to give my daughter her Christmas gifts-- that we had canceled on his Christmas invitation. He fails to tell them that he canceled the Saturday celebration to which he was invited. And why are his gifts to my daughter are so much more important than the gifts my husband & I got for all the family or the gift that my husband got for my step-mother for the name drawing? And why is my daughter all the sudden so important when he didn't even think to send her a Christmas card or call her!?

I do not understand my Dad. My Dad blew up over me simply asking if my Christmas gift was mailed like everyone else's and if so, to check the tracking status (then taking my step-sister's side after she blew up at me via email)... and he immediately jumped to negative conclusions, as usual, about my husband and me-- this time it's because my husband wants to spend time with his mother and father after their 18 hour drive down here.

I do understand, however, that I don't want another emotionally draining holiday. I do understand, also, that I am responsible for allowing this crap to continue. Shame on me. So, from that point onward, I am not having anymore contact with my Dad, my step-mother, or my step-sister. I feel so much better without all that mess in my life. They can have each other. I have so many other people in my life that enjoy life, are happy, and appreciate what life brings.

Every holiday is like this-- I am the cause of something that pisses Dad off. Every time we see my Dad, he is upset that he can't do what he wants with my daughter even though he never recognizes the fact that he hasn't invested time into getting to know her. I am continually forgotten: my birthday, Christmas, whatnot. No matter what our decision (our Realtor when selling our house, the choice of my husband's job, the location of our new house, making plans for Memorial Day or Labor Day and then being asked at the last minute by my Dad to do something and having to turn him down, spending time with my husband's parents over the summer or this Christmas), he is always upset with SOMETHING. See subsequent blog posts: My Dad, the Narcissistic King and What Makes my Narcissist Dad Tick.

I truly can't take anymore of this, and I won't allow my daughter to be effected by any of it... so, I will not. This time is the last time, and I am not going to allow my family or me to be treated like this any more. The fact that I am treated so carelessly, like someone that is not liked, is so hard to stomach... and the hurt that I have endured through the years from being tossed aside, thought the worst of, and all situations nit-picked and looked at negatively has accumulated to where it's too much to bear. I certainly don't want my daughter to experience any of this... or to be in the middle of any of this.

Anna Valerious of Narcissists Suck states about a narcissistic grandparent,"From my personal experience, and from observing the experiences of others, the NPD grandparent will use their grandchildren in the same way they would use an inanimate tool. Without regard for the humanity of your child, that child becomes a tool in the hand of your NPD parent to hurt you. This will always result in moral and/or emotional harm being done to your child as well." Reading this makes me sick to my stomach because I know it's true. My Dad is using my child as a tool to hurt me. A lot of this explains why he only saw my daughter only FIVE TIMES last year, why he has criticized / judged / picked at everything I've done with her, why he's been so nasty to me since I've had a child... all in efforts to get at me further and further.

And, by the way, I do believe my Dad is a full blown narcissist. I don't want him effecting me like has my whole life anymore... and I DO NOT want him effecting my daughter. And also, to further know a narcissist, they don't like successful people around them-- they are intimidated and think of them as a threat. Well, my husband is a successful lawyer, father, and husband... and my Dad has been so much worse to me since I married my husband.

By the way, a lot of these issues, in isolation, don't seem that drastic, but put together make the big, toxic picture. The following is a perfect description of my Last Straw: "I have taken a lot but this is the final insult. It may be a little thing but this little mistake has pushed me into action. It may be a little thing to everyone else but it is a big thing to me. Not anyone knows what life has been like for me... There is no way I can describe to anyone what I have had to face each and every day of my life, what I've had to put up with, what I've had to cope with. So many times I was almost driven insane with everything that just didn't make any sense to me at all, but now it does. And I'm angry."

All pieces of the convoluted and crazy puzzle of my life that I have been trying to sort out and come to terms with since I was a child. I think I am finally getting a grasp on what happened... and the biggest conclusion is that I MUST protect my daughter from what I already know to be dangerous and toxic. My life has been so much calmer without all of the chaos and drama of my Dad, my step-mother, and my step-sister.

Anna Valerious states it perfectly,"Those of you who were tipped over into reality by a last straw event please know that it is perfectly okay that you reacted strongly to an event that others would tend to classify as trivial. It doesn't matter what they think. What matters is what you know. The fact that it took you this long to experience a "last straw" moment is a testament to your patience. Justice has been long averted because you've not been willing to seek it. If some event finally convinces you to allow the law of natural consequences to work then good. It needed to happen. The fact that you've put up with the malignant narcissist so long is proof they will never change. A million "do-overs" will not finally result in the malignant narcissist suddenly getting it right.

This all means if there is to be any change it has to start and end with you. You can't change their behavior. You can change your behavior and start to implement changes in your circumstances. If your life is to be any different tomorrow than it was yesterday you will have to take control of it.

Those of us who've experienced last straw moments are greatly blessed. Blessed to finally have the moral certitude and resolution to not take their shit anymore. Blessed to finally be able to escape the crooked reality of the narcissist.

"The straw that breaks the camel's back" is the saying. Remember, the term "last straw" itself makes it clear that the event wasn't a big one. A straw is insignificant itself. In the camel's case, that last straw became extremely significant because its tiny weight was added to the tiny weight of millions of other straws. The "last straw" is significant because of its sameness piled on with a million of its kind. Keep that in mind the next time someone tries to trivialize your finally reaching your limit after a "last straw" moment. It isn't the bigness of the event, it is the sameness. We all have our limits. "

The Narcissistic King withdraws when disappointed or wounded by criticism. And I haven't heard from him since December 27th 2009--


  1. I have read your entire blog history. "Testament of patience" is the phrase that struck me, as YOU DEFINITELY have it. I had no idea you have endured so much. I obviously knew of some of the conflicts from earlier accounts but I feel so bad for you and your brother for what has transpired. I am so very glad to know you have found peace after all of this. From the first time we met, I have just adored you because you are such a wonderful, happy, friendly, caring person for whom I would have never guessed had the background you describe. I almost cried for you several times reading this. You’re tough, and as you say, thank God for giving a good head on your shoulders. I would call it wisdom, the ultimate patience and true grit to come through it all, as the beautiful rose you are. I am so happy for you and your husband. He seems to be a wonderful person and sounds like he has really been there for you with all these crazy issues. At least now you have each other and deserve each other and all the happiness life can bring including the blessing of your beautiful daughter.

  2. It's obvious you have taken an immeasurable amount of time to get your thoughts and experiences in order. You have a knack for keeping the reader "entertained" as well as being informative! "Entertained" may be a strange word but I only mean that in the sense that "there was never a dull moment!" I sat here for hours reading and my mouth was hanging open and my eyes as big as headlights! Every paragraph was more unbelievable than the last. I'm so so sorry for what you and your brother had to go through. You're right-- someone lucky enough to come from what "I" think is a normal family would have NO way of knowing how much harm parents such as yours could bestow on children. It certainly makes sense that after your daughter was born the puzzle pieces began to come together.

    I can't even relate to the bizarre situations and conversations you had with them. For instance: Just when I thought, "Yay Gretel, you really explained the very rational reasons you couldn't get together with your Dad on the occasions in 2007-2008", once again your Dad turned the whole thing around and blamed YOU for not "checking in first" to be sure HE didn't have anything going on. How many times did he go out of his way to visit YOU and your family? Meet at the mall for an hour?

    However my hubby & I have to admit, and we are in complete agreement here, the Christmas you shopped early for everyone and then was informed of the "drawing of names" and THEN ALL the very BIZARRO things following. I was practically hyperventilating!

    How many years and months and days did you walk around, eat, drink, sleep and try to have a life for yourself without wondering just what uncanny, selfish or hurtful thing was going to occur next? You must have been on pins and needles most of the time!

    Being an only child, I'm sure I have taken a lot for granted in my home life. To be honest "I" was probably the most dysfunctional kid ever! If my wonderful Dad wasn't bailing me out of some kind of problem, I was searching for a way to get myself out of one without telling him and my Mom. I don't know how I turned out OK. And I am so fortunate to have found my hubby along the path!

    Thank you for sharing these most personal experiences with me! I've always appreciated my parents and all they've done for me. After reading about yours, I'm saddened that you couldn't enjoy the childhood and adulthood that I've been so fortunate to have!

    You are an amazing person with so many gifts-- you're beautiful, charming, expressive, intelligent, a WONDERFUL MOM(anybody that would stay up all night with a wide-awake child and make a "fun" thing out of it. ie: playing games under the sheets by the light of a cell phone) has to have worked through all that punishment and insecurity and overcame great odds!

  3. Boy that was a crappy thing for your Dad to pull. I probably would of said a few words to him and told him I didn't want in the drawing that my shopping was done. I would also tell them that you are not drawing names next year as well. I would have told him that your husband wasn't trading names and if your step-sister didn't want to accept a present from her brother then that was her problem. I would also let him know that you will be spending holidays with your husband's family since they are the only ones with any sense.

    Life is too short to have all your holidays ruined by a bitter selfish family! I really think it is time for you to do what you are. It sounds like they are jealous of you and your husband.

    Someday they will regret they didn't spend more time with your daughter when she was little. If your Dad was so worried about seeing his granddaughter open her presents, he should of been there. I take it he hasn't been there yet? Did she ever get her Christmas present from your Dad?

    It sounds like he wants to blame everyone else for his actions, and I agree that your Dad is a full blown narcissist. I think Christmas was "THE LAST STRAW".

  4. No, my daughter hasn't gotten her Christmas present from her grandfather/my Dad. My Dad is still harping to my brothers that all he wants it to give my daughter her Christmas present but that he's waiting for ME to call HIM!? Crazy since he was the one to cancel his Christmas visit to our house; crazy since he's the one with gifts to give. My brothers said that they told him to either call me to set up a time to drop off the gifts or for him to drop them in the mail. He isn't accepting of either of those options-- only me calling him. So, she ends up getting a birthday card with some cash in it and a Valentine's card (that was 4 days late) from him, but no call on Christmas, her birthday, or otherwise. I am sick of the games so I am not playing.

  5. My wife had this habit of addressing herself in “plural” like she was some “royalty”, that should have been a red flag but I was too immature and totally ignorant about personality disorders to have made any sense of this odd behavior.

    I could sense that she liked the “queen mother” and “king father” game, her father, who I am positive is a schizophrenic, too believed he was some kind of “royalty” though he held a clerical position. Looking back there were many red flags that were ignored.

    Anyway, your story is my story, identical, except the BPD character was my wife.

    My wife picked on my sister, the 2nd day of marriage and wanted to see her end..! It has been about 16+ years and she has still not given up! To my wife, my sister was the last and only impediment to lasting intimacy with me and she had to be eliminated at all costs!

    White incandescent rage is what I would describe my wife’s feelings for my sister and to a large extent towards me too! Yes, I abandoned her.

  6. Gretel Ella, may all the good luck in the world be with you. I know this is a little off topic, but I blogged about you:

  7. I am completely honored and touched by your blog about my journey. You are too sweet and kind! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  8. I also have a very selfish father and am almost ready to end my relationship. I have tried for years to please him and have lost myself in the process. He is getting older and seems to be getting more ridiculous. He is now becoming pointlessly critical of my son at the most inappropriate times. Our Christmas plans involve going to his house for Christmas Eve, which is the day he has claimed for his Christmas with the family every year regardless of how it may interfere with others plans. This possibly "last straw" event that just occurred has got me wondering what we should do.

  9. Thank you so much for taking time to stop by. You stated that "He is now becoming pointlessly critical of my son at the most inappropriate times." Is he critical directly to your son or saying things in private to you?

  10. I cried as I read this. Thank you for sharing your journey.

    My husband, a wonderful man, has a borderline mother (she's the waif) and she has really hurt our children by never showing up for their birthdays (and births, for that matter), school plays, dinner dates, church events, anything. She's always "sick" with some unknown malady. Our seven year-old daughter had enough this year and was very hurt. She discussed it with her BP grandmother, who denied everything and then my daughter decided she didn't want to go to their house on Christmas Eve. We supported her decision. It is, after all, hers. She (bp m-i-l) hit the room, accused me of brainwashing our daughter (in the splitting, I'm the evil one, my husband the hapless victim of me) and then accused me of child abuse on facebook and to everyone in my husband's family. It's very ugly. Even though I anticipated her rage, as the waif's greatest fear is abandonment, it was still a shock.

    We're done. We have been so patient and tried so hard to do the right thing over these ten years of our marriage, but this was the last straw. I cannot believe it. What's worse is in a few months, she's going to deny ever saying any of those things. It was almost a relief to have other people see the craziness we've dealt with, but it is so sad.

    At any rate, I wanted to share my story in order to thank you for sharing yours. It helped me so much. Thank you. I wish you healing and peace. I am so sad you had to go through all of that and that it effects/has affected your children. I hope for you.


  11. It is such a blessing that you married a "normal" and successful man! declare your independence and leave the toxic behind, and go to Hawaii or rent a beach house for your Christmas; invite your brother & family but do not play a part in the toxic family (dad, step-sister, etc) another day! Create loving holiday traditions that nurture your family and thank God for normal.

  12. Happy New Year! Hope your holiday was peaceful and filled with happiness and love.

  13. I don't know exactly where you wrote that your Dad and step-mother told your daugther "she could have all this too" while hugging her niece but my mother (I'm 18 now) has said that to me my whole life. Nieces, friends,...where all better children than me. To make things worse, she often says she wants to trade me with her unborn daugther (which had a spina bifida and had to be aborted). In short: having me dead and that child alive

  14. I am so grateful that I have found your blog. I am making my way through it all ... staying up to read as much as I can ! I have been working with a therapist since my beautiful father passed away a year ago . Thankfully my therapist finally explained to me just what was wrong with my crazy mother ... she suffers from BPD !!! Still, knowing this hasn't eased the pain she caused in my life . I am now 38 years old with 2 beautiful children of my own , that she refers to as "those kids " . Monday I reached the "last straw " moment . After listening to her scream that she doesn't need me , is tired of all her kids , most of all me , that I am always with "those kids " and I loved my dad more then her .... When in reality I am the only sibiling that has tolerated her for so long and in fact have ALWAYS been there for her .
    Just not sure where to go from here with her ... I have learned so much from you !!! Thank You !!

    1. You are so welcome. My biggest piece of advise would be to look at your mother through your children's eyes. Do you want them to experience any of her craziness, verbal abuse, or anger (screaming)? You may have a tough time with deciding where to go with your mother and your relationship; however, protecting / shielding your children from her damaging behavior could be a clearer decision. I hope you find peace ... and I send you strength across the miles. All my best to you. Hugs!

  15. I couldn't handle even the beginning of all of that but I understand how you got stuck in it. Now I would have walked away. I stopped talking to my parents for three years and they keep yelling at me about it now that I'm back. (Gee I wonder why I left?) I love them and keep trying to have a relationship with them. A healthy one. But it is not ever possible. We even attended counselling. I don't like how my dad talks to my kids either. He singled out my middle son who has the most difficulties and has learning disabilities and picks on him constantly. Reminding me of how he used to treat me. I can't stand it. My parents do nothing but criticize me. And if I call and have good news they criticize something about the good news. I feel depressed and anxious all of the time because of it. I can't keep letting this happen. I do surround myself with unavailable men and women. I keep trying to get their approval as well. I am finally realizing this and I will be 40 this year. With three kids. I feel like a failure for not have noticing the patterns before and for letting them walk all over me. This blog has really been helping me. I have to put an end to the insanity. I know if I leave the situation and don't let their words keep hurting me...things will improve for me. I am going to start looking at them like their opinion does not matter one bit. They are very narcissistic and even my counsellor said they are. I hope I can get through this without the stress hurting me anymore. Or hearing I'm just too sensitive and I'm different. Its time for me to grow and not be a part of their lives anymore. I can't grow if I am. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I have to see how toxic they are and know in my heart they are bad for me. I know they can't help it but I can help by not being around it. Something truly is wrong with them to be so cruel to me constantly. I have noticed I constantly chose relationships where I feel left out too, sometimes I get criticized by my friends but mostly it's demeaning and belittling. I try to ignore it but it still hurts. I also end up getting left out of important things I would like to be involved in. I wonder why they even want to be friends with me if they don't want to include me. It hurts a lot. I know I have problems but I deserve love. As I have gotten older I have learned to surround myself with healthier people. But I still have those old negative people in my life. I would like to cut ties with them once and for all. Yet my parents bring my exes up and whatever bad stuff we went through. Like its my story. I just wish they would stop bringing up the past. My dad seems to be on autopilot for harming me. He doesn't seem to have any other direction than to criticize and be controlling and cruel. It's terrible. I feel so sad from it. thank you for making this blog though. It's helped me tremendously.