Friday, February 13, 2009

Estranged Parents Rearing Their Ugly Heads

It's funny. I've been concentrating on writing this blog, getting all the background information in so I can actually get into actually blogging, and lo & behold, both the Queen and the King reared their ugly heads into my life.

I am on Facebook, and I have checked to see if my mother has an account every now and then. My account is set to private, but I want to be able to fully block her if she happens to pop up. Well, she popped up last week. My heart hit the floor. Yikes, there she is. With the way Facebook is set up, if you are set to private, people can't see your profile but if you share a 'friend' with them, they could see your comments left on the Wall. If you block the person, you are completely invisible, including all comments left on a Wall. So, no hesitation, I blocked her.

Well, it was late at night and I didn't want to bug my brother, so I decided to wait until morning to warn him. By the time I got a hold of him in the morning, she had already Facebook emailed him. She said something to the effect of, "Funny seeing you here". What a bizarre thing to say after not communicating with your son for TEN YEARS. If you are reaching out to an estranged son wanting to open lines of communication, wouldn't you say something like, "I have missed you" or "How are you? I have been thinking of you"??

I advised my brother to not answer her and to block her. I reminded him of the vicious cycles we have endured with her-- and how each of the cycles concludes. I reminded him of how she will go after your friends and say horrible things about you, and how on Facebook, the system will easily facilitate her being able to find people from his past to talk smack to. And just as I warned, my mother had ALREADY contacted his fiance that she has never met! How ballsy! How presumptuous! How tacky! How MY MOTHER.

My brother, being soft hearted about her recently, said he had to 'think' about what to do. Time heals wounds, and the last attack on him by my mother was ten years ago. My wounds are fresher, plus I have brought a lot of this to the forefront by researching, reading, trying to understand, and writing about it. My clarity of thought is at a much different level than his at this point.

He instructs her to email him at his private email, and then he blocked her from Facebook. His fiance tells my mother that she doesn't want to get in the middle of anything and that she should contact my brother at his private email, then she blocks her as well. So, my mother writes my brother and asks how he's doing. My brother recently was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease, and since she has an auto-immune disease as well, he thought they'd have common ground for discussion AND a mother who could give valuable information about these diseases.

To his dismay, he got a scathing email about how horrible he's been since he was a child. That he has to own up to the things he's done since he was a child if he's to ever be a 'man'. She continued by saying that she and my Dad have had nothing to do with the choices he's made, the path in life he's taken, and where he is in life. As my brother read me her words, my stomach twisted into a knot, I started to shake, and I hyperventilated.


Now, I admit-- my brother has made some mistakes in life (haven't we all??), AND my brother DOES own up to them. BUT my mother and Dad have made extremely selfish choices through out their life that rarely (if ever) included my brother's best interests. Neither of them have owned up to this fact! In fact, both of them think that our past has absolutely nothing to do with who we are.

Instead of embracing my brother for who he is, for loving him for the person he has become, and believing in him, he gets shot down with how bad he is... AGAIN. I couldn't believe the cruel and hateful words... and I begged my brother to stop all communications with her immediately.

A couple days later, I went out to my mailbox to find a birthday card for my daughter from my Dad. He never contacted her for Christmas-- no card, no call, no present, no nothing. To top it off, he only saw her 5 times in 2008, which included showing up late, leaving early due to other obligations, and not spending one-on-one time with her. He doesn't show an interest in fostering a relationship with her and says that she's not 'normal' because she's timid toward him. But here's a birthday card. Hmmmm.

My Dad and I haven't communicated since December 27, 2008 (Holidays Leading to the Last Straw) when he sent me an email canceling coming over to my house to celebrate the Saturday after Christmas. The communications before that were harsh and uncaring because he was mad that my husband's parents were coming in town for Christmas preventing us from going to Dad's house Christmas Day - and- because he thought I made a 'big deal' about not receiving my gift from the family name drawing when I inquired about the shipping status of it.

So, I am holding this card to my daughter wondering what the motive is behind it. My life with him has always been a game, so what is the strategy behind his move? To make me feel guilty? To remind me he's still there? By the way, he's still gossiping to my brothers about me and presenting a poor-pitiful-me to them, saying he wants to give my daughter Christmas gifts but he's waiting for me to call him. Now that's ass backwards. "Hi Dad. Do you have gifts for my daughter? Oh, you do. Well, bring them over and give them to her". No, that's not how gift giving works. So, one of my brothers ponders to me, "Why doesn't he just pick up the phone and call you!? Or why doesn't he pack up the gifts and send them if he wants so much for her to have the gifts!?" My Dad wants control-- plain and simple. And I won't allow him to control me anymore. See subsequent blog post: What Makes my Narcissist Dad Tick

All I know is my life is so much more peaceful without all the drama... without the manipulations and control issues... without the conditions... so whatever the motive, it's my time to make the move in the game, and I am staying put.

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