Borderline Mother Alienates Daughter

One would think that my life would be filled with the love and support of family, having a mother, birth father, adoptive father, AND step-parents. My life is quite the contrary. Throughout my life my mother has manipulated and molded my life to suit her emotional needs. With "loyalty not a choice" for their children, Queen borderline mothers can be "vindictive when enraged, emotionally bribing and blackmailing others" Christine Lawson p 111. Here is how my Borderline Personality Disordered mother manipulated my life to the point that relationships are tarnished, splintered, and shattered... alienated.

I was born to a mother and my 'birth' father, and at a few months old, my mother divorced him in order to marry her high school sweetheart. He adopted me, and that is whom I call my Dad. My baby album and baby book were both altered, and absolutely no evidence of my birth father remained. This is the first example of Parental Alienation Syndrome used by my parents. No words were spoken about this birth father, but I did know about him. I didn't care-- my Dad was my Daddy, my father, and whom I loved. All my memories from the earliest are with my Dad.

When my mother had an affair with my Dad's best friend (late 1970's / early 1980's), and the tumultuous divorce happened (You Dropped a Bomb on Me), my mother moved into an apartment. If you read in the blog about the divorce and all the craziness that happened, my mother and Dad had a very dramatic, confusing, and hurtful divorce that involved us kids (Parental Alienation Syndrome). They both were going after each other with all they had-- which included using the kids to hurt the other.

Well, when I went to visit my mother for visitation when I was 13 years old, my mother, OUT OF THE BLUE, says to me one afternoon, "I know how to get a hold of your birth father. Would you like to speak to him?" I was taken back by the question but curious. I remember entertaining the notion, and we did speak to him for a short phone call. After that, I had no interest whatsoever talking to him again. LITTLE DID I KNOW, my mother used this information -- that I was in touch with my birth father-- to hurt my Dad. She leaked the information, making sure he found out. And I didn't find out until recently how much that hurt him. My mother is ruthless.

Now, later when I moved in with my mother as a teenager, she again pushed the idea of communicating with my birth father. What her motive was, I don't know for sure, but I feel like she was trying to 'right a wrong' (taking his baby from him and and abruptly leaving him the way she did) by getting me back in touch AND trying to hurt my Dad even more. Funny, but I was not interested in the least in getting together, talking with, or whatever with my birth father.

During a vacation with my mother and step-father, I got a case of food poisoning VERY BADLY. I was very ill on the drive home as well, but my mother insisted that we drive by where my birth father lives, in the dark of the evening, and meet him and his family at a McDonalds. Remember how much I have used the word 'bizarre' in my blog posts?? Well this meeting epitomizes BIZARRE. I didn't have much to say, and I was like an animal on display at the zoo. After eating some burgers, we got back in the car and were on our way again.

My mother definitely had an agenda.

When she and I had an estrangement when I went off to college (she claimed that I didn't love her because I came into town and didn't call her: Out of the Nest), she proceeded to call my birth father and his family and tell them ALL KINDS of outlandish things about me. She told them outright lies, very awful things (campaign of denigration). Why in the world would a loving, caring, and supportive mother do this type of thing to her child!? BAFFLING.

She certainly tried to create a wedge between my Dad and me, from the point I moved in with her in high school onward. She tried as hard as she could to discredit our relationship, make him seem so evil (nicknamed him Captain Nasty), and would become enraged if his name was even brought up. Parental Alienation Syndrome exampled again. Also, I think she has tried to alienate me so that I am dependent on her-- trying to guarantee that I wouldn't leave her. The hallmark of Borderline Personality Disorder shining brightly.

She has also brought up the fact that I have a different father than my brother to my brother at stunningly inappropriate times. First of all, why bring it up anyway--she created the deception from the very beginning! Second of all, I love my brother with all my heart & soul. I don't care of he's full or half blood, but why bring this up if it's not necessary!? Third of all, now that we are adults, and I know how I want to conduct MY life, I don't want to talk about the issue PERIOD.

Well, my mother hadn't seen my brother in TEN years when she went into the hospital for a pulmonary embolism in 1999. I flew my brother to see her as the condition could be fatal. This was the first time that my brother, mother, and me were all together in the same room in almost FIFTEEN years. So, we were all in the hospital room, and my mother was acting like Mr. Hyde. I don't know what got into her, but there she was in the hospital bed, being very boisterous, pushy, and rotten. I was trying my hardest to get my brother to the hospital in between working and so forth, and during this particular visit, I had to get to work.

OUT OF THE BLUE, my mother brings up that I have a different father, and that my brother "is ONLY" my half brother. WHAT!? Excuse me!? I was floored. My brother means the world to me, and to have her even step into that area to try to put a wedge into my relationship with him-- HELL NO. I remember feeling breathless and wanting to put my hand over her mouth. What is her purpose!? Again, what is up with her!? My brother was stunned looking, kind of blank. But I quickly changed the subject, and my brother followed suit.

I brought this up with my mother later-- saying that I would appreciate allowing me to divulge information about my life, and in regard to this, there was no reason to bring this up. She reminded that my brother being a half brother is only a 'fact', and I agreed but added that if the fact is so innocent and neutral why did she take such extensive efforts to hide this fact for DECADES. My brother has enough going on in his life (and believe me, he DOES), trying to shatter his sense of family for no reason is ruthless. Not only that, he is my ONLY family that is the pure, honest, and unconditional love from my original family unit of mother, Dad, and brother.

Next, about 6 years ago, we were sitting out on my back deck when she said that she is upset with my Dad to this day because he left her. SAY WHAT!? She said that although she was having an affair with his friend, she had no plans to leave my Dad. She said that she was forced to tell my Dad when my Dad's friend decided to tell his wife (he was in a miserable marriage and wanted out). Anyway, my mother said that although she admitted the affair and wanting a divorce, she said that my Dad abandoned her because he walked away. She said that he could have asked to stay and that she reminded him of that, but he just ignored her and walked up the driveway. All of this is SO typical borderline! Fear of rejection and abandonment! Anyway, that's why she becomes so CRAZY when my Dad is brought up-- he did the unthinkable for a BPD... he rejected AND abandoned her.

Once I was older, she would continually say to me how we are the only family we have and how much we need each other. I would never respond because I didn't view things the same as her. Although she had cut off her father, sister, son, and more, I hadn't. I didn't have an isolationist point of view like she did. She also talked about her Will more than once, reminding me that she would take care of me because my birth father won't be, my Dad won't be... so, she reminded, I should remember that she is the only one I've got.

Well, as I mentioned earlier, my mother and I didn't see eye-to-eye on my wedding thoughts: Little Women. And on that day that she blew up on me, saying that she is out of the wedding, she shouted out that she was going to call my birth father and tell him that he and his family aren't invited to my wedding. WHAT AGAIN!? This is the point that I got PISSED as it's one thing for her to be mad, threaten to stay out of my wedding, or whatever, but when she starts to bring people into her crazy rage, that's completely uncalled for. In the past she's started a campaign of denigration through letter writing and phone calls, but this time she is threatening to meddle right to my face.

I asked her why she would WANT to tell them they aren't invited when NO ONE was invited to the wedding as NO wedding plans had even been STARTED! She said again, "That's it. I am telling them that they aren't invited" as if to egg me on to talk about them. I told her not to mess with my life, and questioned why she would even want to try to hurt people like that, especially since it's an outright lie. Once backed into a corner, she went back to shouting that she is out of the wedding. I was baffled at her outrage. I was baffled at how she decided to handle herself. I was baffled at her attack on me. I was baffled at how she suddenly changed from the loving mother to the wicked witch.

By the way, my birth father wasn't invited to my wedding. Why would he be? My Dad is my father. Not only that, he was contributing to some of the wedding expenses-- why would I show my appreciation for his generosity by having my birth father, who gave up his rights as my father so that my Dad could take care of me since I was an infant, attend my wedding (especially given we don't have a relationship)!? What a huge slap in the face that would be! And why is my mother so insistent on having my birth father, Dad, AND step-father all in the same place at the same time!? Can't she see how uncomfortable that would be for not only them but for ME!? She left my birth father for her high school sweetheart (flying out to see her high school sweetheart BEFORE she even asked for a divorce), cheated on my Dad with his best friend, and is now married to my Dad's ex best friend. Do you really think these men want to hang out together? Isn't my wedding supposed to be the happiest day of my life? Why would she want to put me in such a NO WIN situation? And that's what she was trying to do that day on the deck when she brought all this up. I walked out of her house that day, and I haven't talked to her since. She, however, started a campaign of vilifying me that hasn't stopped to this day.

Looking back at my life, my mother created my path by meddling in my life:

• Taking away my birth father by removing all evidence of his existence (creating the deception and the first alienated father)
• Having me adopted by Dad
  
• Trying to push my Dad and me apart by bringing my birth father back into the picture (taking the first alienated father to assist in alienating the second father-- WOW!)
• Continually discrediting my relationship with my Dad to the present day
• Starting a campaigns of denigration against me
  
• Attempting to have my step-father replace my Dad (forcing the relationship)
  

Each move she made, she effected my life by trying to alienate me. She seemed to try to position herself as the only family member in my life, to create a dependence on her, and to attempt to guarantee loyalty so that she isn't rejected or abandoned (Borderline Personality Disorder).

As an All-Good Child, "forced teaming is an effective way to establish premature trust because a 'we're in the same boat' attitude is hard to rebuff" Gavin de Becker p 66. The Borderline mother promotes teaming with the All-Good Child with comments like "You're just like me" or "No one else understands me like you do" or like what my mother would always say to me, "We're the only family we've got". The Borderline mother's need to "merge" with the All-Good Child can push the child away-- just as my mother has driven me away.

"The Queen mother instigates chaos and conflict and then enlists her children to fight the ensuing battles" Lawson p 257. The Queen mother treats her children like "subjects", and adult children may take years to have the courage to tell the Queen mother the truth of how they feel, which may cause huge eruption. When I finally had the nerve to tell my mother how I felt, she completely blew up and we haven't talked since.

I have never felt like I had an authentic relationship with my mother due to not being able to express my true feelings about my fathers, or when I have expressed my true feelings about my fathers my mother hasn't accepted my feelings. Alice Miller encourages grown children to express themselves to their parents, both anger and pain, to develop an authentic relationship but warns of the danger of such openness with a Borderline mother. I have had to suppress feelings about my childhood, my parent's divorce, and my past with my mother as my mother is irrational, conditional, and not accepting of my thoughts, memories, and feelings-- it's important to note that returning to the past for the sake of the future is so important: to live life with unrestrained love and joy, to find your real self and free will. I don't have validation from my mother, her love is conditional, and her actions are vindictive. All of this has lead to my feelings of not having an authentic relationship.

Although my mother tried to guarantee my loyalty by alienating my fathers, she failed to keep herself honorable in my life as she has lost credibility, trust, and love through her ruthlessness, conditions, and bizarre nature of her moves. She did manage to effect my relationship with my Dad-- and of course effect my relationship with my birth father by removing him from my life as an infant. Now that she and I are estranged, and I don't have contact with my Dad either, I feel very alone in regard to parents... successfully alienated as a subject of my Queen mother's rule.

Feeling Like I Don't Belong to a Family

So through the years I have felt like something is missing. I felt like I have been searching for something from my mother and Dad-- some sort of answer. And recently I had an epiphany: I don't feel like I belong to a family. I feel like I am an adult orphan. Prior to my parent's separation (You Dropped a Bomb on Me), I felt like I belonged to a family: my Dad, mother, brother, and me. Additionally, I had a deep relationship with my maternal grandparents, which both passed away (1977, 1977). Shortly after the announcement of my parent's separation (1979), that feeling of belonging started to erode away.

Before my grandparents' passing (Fly to the Angels), I was my happiest when I was with them. I had some of the best childhood memories with them, and I still carry their love with me to this day. I always was so upset to part from them. I would choke back the tears and try to hide how very upset I was to say 'goodbye'. I remember this happening every time one of our visits ended, and I have never understood why (they were about a 2 hour drive away). I have my suspicions why, however.

I was born to my 'birth' father. When I was a baby (only months old), my birth father gave up his rights and allowed my mother's new husband (her high school sweetheart) to adopt me. My birth father's mother & father were told to say goodbye to me as they were never to see me again. Somewhere during this time, my mother lived with her parents, where my grandparents took on a very emotional & parental role in raising me. I apparently called my Grandfather 'Dada' and he loved me with all his heart. When my mother married my Dad, they moved me about 1,000 miles away. I was told that my Grandfather was very torn-up about me moving away, and I know how much I adored him, so I am sure I was upset too.

With these two events happening in such proximity in my first two years of life, one would have to surmise that the separations had to have an impact on me. Attachment for security and safety reasons is occurring in infants and toddlers during these times, and possibly I had some residual effects from being separated from three very important people in my life.

Years later, my parents moved me (and my newborn brother) back to the same state as my grandparents. As I said earlier, I had a very strong connection with them until they passed when I was around 11 years old. A year after they passed away, my parents separated. In such a short period of time, I lost my beloved grandparents and my parents divorced. A divorce is not necessarily a damaging or traumatic event for a child if handled responsibly, lovingly, and with consideration of the children. My parents did not do any of the sort, which given that they are the personality types that are seen in courts battling for years and years, their negatively toxic and dysfunctional behavior follows suit (Narcissistic Borderline Couples: mother = Borderline Personality Disorder; Dad = Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

During the separation & divorce, my parents used brainwashing and alienation in an attempt to distance us from the other parent. My Dad was the first to use this parental alienation-- and was very adept at wielding the guilt and scare tactics. He successfully made us scared of our mother, and eventually, we moved in with him. The Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) was so damaging that my brother and I have taken decades to sort out what actually happened to us during this period of our lives.

When I went to visit my mother at her apartment, she instigated getting me in touch with my birth father (another attempt to hurt & alienate my Dad). I felt like an outsider, looking in at the father that could have been-- the father that allowed me to be adopted by another man and never having contact with me ever again. I have always felt like this relationship was decided when I was an innocent little baby-- the man that was my birth father disowned me. Why my mother wanted (and still to the last time I spoke to her in 2004) me to pursue a relationship with this man other than to hurt my Dad is beyond me-- possibly to right her wrongs? Possibly because she threatened him in some shape or form so that he would go away for good? What kind of man is that... who would leave his new daughter to another man!?!? Evidently, I didn't belong with him or his family.

Shortly after the divorce, my mother remarried my Dad's friend who had two children (one the same age me and one the same age as my brother) and then my Dad remarried a lady with two children (5 and 7 years younger than me). Two "ready made" families in a short time was a difficult adjustment (one + one = three more). My brother and I barely had time to digest our grandparents' deaths, much less the separation & divorce-- and much less the needs, wants, and expectations of all the players in these newly formed families.

My Dad's attention sharply turned to his new wife's needs, and from my point-of-view, he turned his back to my brother and me. The needs of my stepmother and her two kids (mostly her youngest, a girl) took precedence over my brother and my needs. I felt like an outcast in my own home-- and I eventually moved in with my mother (Moving on Over). My brother followed suit shortly thereafter.

In my mother's home, we were constantly having to pay the price for "choosing" my Dad over her (Run Forrest Run). She emphasized how much hurt she endured when we were living with my Dad, how we crushed her heart. She was mad at us kids, not accounting for the fact that we made our decisions as CHILDREN and were emotionally abused by our Dad. I again felt like an outcast in my own home-- not feeling like I fit in. I was the step-child of my step-father. When we went over to my step-father's mother's house, I was a step-grandchild. And above all, I didn't feel like I had a authentic and real relationship with my mother. I felt like all she was attempting to do was get back at my Dad by using my brother and me as tools to hurt and alienate him.

Throughout my 20's and 30's, if I had a relationship with one parent, I didn't have a relationship with the other. My Dad came up to one of my jobs in the late 1980's telling me that if I reconciled with my mother that he would disown me. He also told me on occasion that if my mother "died tomorrow" that he "wouldn't shed a tear". The parental alienation continued from childhood and teenage years into adulthood! And no matter how I tried to create meaningful and unconditional loving relationships with either parent, I was constantly left feeling empty and dejected. With both parents, I don't feel like I belong. "Children of divorce spend a lifetime, not just a childhood, negotiating the widely divergent worlds of each parent, a task that is emotionally exhausting and leaves the child feeling like that football—flying free, with no clear sense of belonging in either world. " Elizabeth Marquardt

If I was with my mother, she would constantly remind me that she is the "only one" that I have-- that my birth father and Dad wouldn't "take care" of me. I have been independent since I left for college-- why do I need to be taken care of? Just another attempt by my mother to alienate me further from both men and illustrating how the fear of rejection and abandonment define Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Another interesting point is that my mother would make comments that my brother is "only" a "half brother" (note that the fact I had a different father was buried for as long as I can remember, but once the information could be used by my mother for her gain, she spilled it out there). As a result, I would get upset and mad at my mother. Why would she purposely want to belittle my relationship with my brother? I believe she further wanted to reinforce that she is the only one I have, like I mentioned above. Whatever the reason for her comments, I now know why the comments would upset me so-- I felt a strong bond with my brother. I felt a belonging with my brother. No matter what happened with my parents, no matter what was the status of my relationship with them, I had my brother. So when my mother made attempts to take that last bond of our intermediate family away from me, I reacted.

If I was with my father, he never had time for me-- no simple conversations of how my life is going, no concern over how my jobs are progressing, no getting to know who I am. He has forgotten my birthday year after year. Whenever visiting at his house, I always felt like an outsider looking in-- I didn't feel included, I was criticized, and I was judged. He walks away mid-conversation; he interrupts to tell an unrelated story; he doesn't care. He is a true narcissist in that he caters to the ones who 'need' him and stroke his ego. Even in a house full of children that are his step-children or children of friends, I am treated lower than the rest-- invisible.

I would always leave his house disappointed and heartbroken as I always maintained high hopes of building a meaningful relationship with him like when my parents separated. The funny thing is that my brother and I have been searching for' that' Dad for decades. We haven't found him or that relationship again because it didn't exist. 'That' Dad was a fake relationship derived from manipulations and brain-washing of PAS. And once the outcome was in his favor (custody of the two kids) and he was remarried with a new family, the Dad that we knew during those divorce times was gone.

Recently I had the opportunity to spend some time with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. I searched for my aunt for almost a decade (my mother's sister that my mother has been estranged from for 25+ years but maintained contact with my Dad), later finding out that my Dad did know how to contact my aunt but hid the information from me. During the time with my aunt and family, I felt included & important, part of something bigger than me, and the unconditional love & support that a family gives. The experience really touched my heart. Parting was so very difficult and when I got home, I had this constant craving to see them all again very soon (they live across the country). I haven't felt this connected and complete in a LONG time-- and I hadn't cried during parting like that since saying goodbye to my grandparents in the 1970's.

So through the years I have felt like something is missing. I felt like I have been searching for something from my mother and Dad-- some sort of answer. I haven't been able to put my finger on the feeling until just the other day when I was looking at my daughter and feeling such pure love and joy looking in her eyes-- I belong with her & my husband, she & my husband belong with me, I have family across the country is very loving & supportive- WE ARE FAMILY AND I BELONG. I haven't had that since I was 11 years old.

Did Dave Pelzer's Mother from "A Child Called It" Have Borderline Personality Disorder?

During the entire time I was reading "A Child Called It", I couldn't help but draw correlations between David Pelzer's mother (Catherine Roerva Christen Pelzer) and Borderline Personality Disorder. After I was finished reading the book, I started my search to see what mental illness Catherine had suffered. All I have managed to find was that she was mentally ill and an alcoholic. No details have emerged of what type of mental illness she suffered. So, with the facts about Catherine from "A Child Called It" and professional resources (namely Lawon's Understanding the Borderline Mother) about BPD, I will pose case that Catherine suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

David Pelzer paints the picture of a seemingly normal childhood until his mother's behavior changed radically. He describes his mother as a "wicked witch" on (pg 30), which hit the nail on the head. She exhibits the behavior of the prototypical BPD Witch. "The darkness within the borderline Witch is annihilating rage. Her inner experience is the conviction of being evil, and her behavior evokes submission... She is filled with self-hatred and may single out one child as the target of her rage. The Witch's message to her child is: Life is war" (pg 38) Lawson.

WOW. Catherine was most certainly filled with rage. Every page of that book, Catherine was filled with rage that she took out on her son day in and day out. Her inner experience is the conviction of being evil, where she even speaks of it on (pg 41) of Pelzer's book, "Now it's time I showed you what hell is like!" Throughout all of her abuse, her behavior was to evoke submission from David. She was constantly beating him down mentally, emotionally, and physically. He says that his soul was consumed in a black void from the intense abuse by his mother (pg 132). She certainly was filled with self hatred as indicated by her alcoholism, not taking care of herself ("Her once beautiful, shiny hair is now frazzled clumps. As usual, she wears no makeup. She is overweight, and she knows it. In all, this has become Mother's typcial look" pg 5), and being so filled with annihilating rage. And, the fact that the BPD Witch singles out one child as a target of her rage is so revealing because Catherine singled out David. For years he was the only child abused. When David was put into foster care, the younger brother was then singled out as the target of her rage.

David was without a doubt the "no-good child"; however, remarkably he didn't turn-out to be what Lawson identified as the lost child (pg 171). His mother, Catherine, called him a "bad boy", and an entire chapter is devoted to the "bad boy" David.

• Catherine had David look in the mirror and recite, "I'm a bad boy" repeatedly (pg 31).
• Even though he was successful with school, his mother told him he was a "bad boy" and held him back in the 1st grade (pg 36).
  
• David was left out of Christmas due to Santa only bringing "good boys and girls" toys (pg 38).
  
• His mother accuses David of making her life a "living hell" (pg 41) and talks to the other siblings saying how she didn't have to worry about them becoming like David, "a bad boy" (pg 43).
  
• Even when David was awarded the honor of naming the school newspaper, Catherine says, "There is nothing you can do to impress me! Do you understand me? You are a nobody! An IT! You are nonexistent! You are a bastard child! I hate you and I wish you were dead. Dead! Do you hear me? Dead!" (pg 140).

As mentioned above, the BPD Witch's message to her child is that life is war. David recieved that message pretty early into the story as he states on (pg 43), "For the first time, I had won! Standing alone in that damp, dark garage, I knew, for the first time, that I could survive. I decided that I would use any tactic I could think of to defeat Mother or to delay her from her grizzly obsession." Catherine put David in the middle of an all out war with her, even making him sit in the prisoner of war position (pg 50, 84, 111, 114, 123) by sitting on his hands with his head thrust backward. Lawson states (pg 125), "The Witch's children feel like prisoners of a secret war."

In Lawson (pg 137), rejection triggers the desperate fear of sinking into the cold, dark abyss of abandonment, a fate the BPD Witch feels worse than death. Catherine was an alcoholic who had been drinking from the age of 13. Brought up in the Mormon community of Salt Lake City, she would hide in the outhouse during Prohibition to wince down bootleg whiskey. Her parents were divorced, which made them outcasts in that religious community, and Catherine was frequently locked in a closet, denied food, and told how despicable she was. Catherine primarily appears as a Witch, which a BPD who primarily appear as a Witch is filled with self-hatred as a result of surviving a childhood that required complete submission to a hostile or sadistic caregiver (pg 131) Lawson.

The BPD Witch is sadistically controlling and punitive with her children where they fear their survival. The Witch's children are forced to submit to her control and may be victims of sadistic emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. Lawson explains, "Therapists hear horrifying stores of child abuse that never make the headlines... Some children may not survive simply because they are too young to get away" (pg 122). David Pelzer is VERY fortunate that he survived his horrifying ordeal with his mother.

Throughout the book, David speaks of being able to survive his mother's abuse. He made a promise to himself when the discipline drastically turned to punishment out of control, "I knew, for the first time, that I could survive. I decided that I would use any tactic I could think of to defeat Mother... I knew if I wanted to live, I would have to think ahead... I could never give in to her. That day I vowed to myself that I would never, ever again give that bitch the satisfaction of hearing me beg her to stop beating me" (pg 43). He later refers back to that promise when he was stabbed by his mother, "I wanted to lie down and quit, but the promise I made years ago kept me going. I wanted to show The Bitch that she could beat me only if I died, and I was determined not to give in, even to death" (pg 91). He was a survivor from the start through his determination of thought. References of survival also include:

• He also talks about that "water was my only means of survival" (pg 104) as his mother starved him for ten consecutive days.
• Later, when his mother used chlorine gas while locking him in the bathroom, David relates that "to survive her new game, I had to use my head" (pg 108).
  
• He started to lose his instinct for survival when his mother had him sit in POW style on a 1 inch diameter of rocks, stating "all my efforts for mere survival seemed futile. My attempts to stay one step ahead of Mother were useless. A black shadow was always over me" (pg 111).

Because the Witch emerges when the mother and child are alone, no witnesses can verify the child's experience (pg 125) Lawson. Catherine typically abused David when no one else was around, making sure to cover up the abuse if and when family members returned to the house. David says on pg 42, "I knew Mother never acted his bizarre when anyone else was in the house."

• When Ron came home, Catherine ceased to attempt to burn David further on the stove (pg 42).
  
• When Catherine tried to have David eat the dirty diapers, the abuse stopped when Ron, Stan, and David's father returned to the vacation cabin (pg 57).
  
• David always noted that he appreciated when his father was home, calling him his protector, as the abuse was not as prevalent. (pg 101).
  
• When he would come home from school and his brothers weren't home, David knew that his mother's "game" would be full force.
  
• After Ron and Stan went go to bed, Catherine ordered David upstairs to feed him ammonia (pg 73).
  
• David even devotes an entire chapter to "When Father is Away", starting the chapter with, "When he was home, Mother only did about half the things that she did when he was gone" (pg 101).

The BPD Witch can be cruel to the target of her rage; however other children may not perceive her as a Witch if they do not possess qualities that trigger her rage. With the information contained in Pelzer's book, Catherine did not treat the older two or younger baby abusively. They were immune to her physical abuse. Being cruel, the BPD Witch may make a statement such as "I'm going to make your life a living Hell" or "I'm going to kill you" (pg 137) states Lawson. Catherine said both of these statements to David: (pg 41) "Now it's time I showed you what hell is like!" and (pg 85) "If you don't finish on time, I'm going to kill you." David continues by saying that she said that same statement over and over for almost a week (pg 86).

The need for power and control over others is important to the BPD Witch as well as the need to elicit a response of fear and shock. Catherine certainly illustrated how she needed each of these. She exerted power over David, reducing him to a "slave" (pg 50, 84, 126), an "it" (pg 140), and "the boy" (pg 50). She controlled every part of his life down to what he ate (or rather, what he didn't eat). He was controlled through having to "work" constantly around the house with only being allowed to attend school. Her pathological "needs" resulted in David viewing his home as a "madhouse" (pg 104) and "hell house " (pg 137), as well as his existance as a "morbid life" (pg 116). He felt as if his soul was consumed in a "black void" (pg 132).

She used fear and shock throughout her abuse. He was relegated to the basement on a cot, not knowing when he would be fed, allowed to see sunlight, or beat (ten rounders (pg 111), whipped with dog chains (pg 116), broom handle blows to the backs of legs (pg 117)). He was often intense with fear: shaking, unable to concentrate, heart skipping beats, and startled. He was put though tremendous shocking situations such as being fed ammonia, subjected to chlorine gas, submerged under cold water for long lengths of time, burned on a gas stove, arm dislocated, stabbed in the abdomen, smashed into the counters breaking his teeth, forced to eat dirty diapers & rancid food, and so much more.

Children who resist the control face worse punishment. David did not resist her control. He knew the rules & punishments to his mother's "game": (1) if he took too long to do his chores, his mother would withhold food (2) if he looked at one of his siblings without permission, he was slapped (3) if he was caught taking food, he was subjected to hideous punishment (pg 83).

David did not resist control. He would do everything in his power to get his work done under her strict time restraints. He says (pg 50) during the time when he had to stand until summoned to perform chores, "It was made very clear that getting caught sitting or lying down in the basement would bring dire consequences. I had become my Mother's slave." Without putting up a fight, he took his "punishments": remaining in the chlorine gas filled bathroom, submerged under cold water & then forced to sit outside on rocks 1 inch in diameter (Bathtub and Backyard Treatment pg 114), and skating in icy cold weather without appropriate clothing (pg 120). Additionally, he would sit for extraordinary lengths of time on the bottom step standing and in POW position as she instructed. Once when he decided to not "take anybody's crap anymore" (pg 142), the results were a stomping from his brothers and Mother, a special batch of chlorine gas in the bathroom, and a choking.

Destroying valued objects and being intentionally withholding, the BPD Witch may intentionally withhold what their children need. David's mother withheld food from David, severely starving him. He only had his brother's left-overs from breakfast on occasion, a P&J sandwich with a few carrot sticks for lunch, and rarely any dinner. Due to the obsession to find food, David resorted to taking other kid's lunches, (pg 48), food from the grocery store (pg 59), frozen cafeteria food (pg 63), begging for food (pg 69), and frozen from from his basement (pg 79). He also would eat scraps from his garbage can after his family ate (pg 62) until his mother started to add ammonia to the waste or planting rotten food so that he would get sick (pg 63). She also would tease the starving boy by putting food in front of him then taking it away (Two Minute Game pg 105 -107). When she found out about his eating of frozen cafeteria food, she forced him to vomit it up by forcing her finger down his throat, scooping the vomit out of the toilet, and then eating the vomit later that evening (pg 66 - 68).

Along with withholding food, Catherine also intentionally withheld proper hygiene and clothes for David. Kids made fun of him for how he smelled calling him David Pelzer-Smellzer, and teachers not used to his smell wave their hands in front of their face. He was consistently in tattered and worn clothes, even if new clothes existed in the home for him.

• David says, "Because my Mother had me wear the same clothes week after week, by October my clothes had become weathered, torn, and smelly" (pg 47).
  
• He continues further in the chapter, "In September, I returned to school with last year's clothes" (pg 57).
  
• He indicates that his mother had newer clothes for him but withheld them: "One Sunday during the last month of summer ... Mom let me put on new clothes that I had received last Christmas" (pg 123).
  
• By the time he was rescued, "My long sleeve shirt has more holes than Swiss cheese. It's the same shirt I've worn for about two years. Mother has me wear it every day as her way to humiliate me. My pants are just as bad, and my shoes have holes in the toes. I can wiggle my big toe out of one of them" (pg 6).

The BPD Witch organizes a "campaign of denigration", enlisting others as allies against the target of her rage. "She may seek out friends, family members (including siblings and children), and co-workers of her victim in whom to confide fabricated stories designed to discredit her enemy" (pg 141) says Lawson. David's mother, Catherine, denigrated David by turning family against David including his father and other siblings. She also had the school turned against him, pegging him as a thief and "bad boy". She told neighbors negative things about David, further denigrating him. Many believe the allegations because of the intensity of emotion. When the ability to enlist allies disrupts and divides groups, such as neighbors and the school system, that could actually help him.

The Witch does not recognize boundaries and exploit the child's trust by denying right to privacy and humiliating & degrading the child.

• Catherine stripped off David's clothes having him stand naked, where he "shook from a combination of fear and embarrassment" (pg 40).
  
• For months, David was forced to sleep under the breakfast table next to a cat litter box with newspapers as his covers (pg 68).
  
• After his mother made David drink dish-washing soap, David needed to use the bathroom and begged his mother to use the bathroom, and she refused. David "stood downstairs, afraid to move, as clumps of the watery matter fell through my underwear and down my pant legs, onto the floor. I felt so degraded; I cried like a baby. I had no self respect of any kind... I felt lower than a dog" (pg 77).
  
• While lying naked in the tub submerged as his mother instructed, his brothers would come into the bathroom, glare at him, shake their heads, and turn away (pg 113).
  
• After all the humiliation he endured, he talks about how he ate like a homeless dog, grunted to communicate, didn't care if he was made fun of, and nothing was below him (pg 132).
  
• At one point, his morale became so low that he hoped to be killed (pg 141).

The BPD Witch seeks and marries a "Fisherman", someone she can dominate and control, which is EXACTLY who Catherine married. Stephen Pelzer was completely dominated and controlled by Catherine. He was a subservient partner who relinquished his will at her command (pg 179), as Lawson describes the Fisherman. Further, this type of husband has little or no self-esteem and see himself as a loser. He also fails to protect his children from abuse. All of these characteristics fit Stephen who does not step in to stop the abuse (pg 50, 58):

• When David was first deprived of food, Stephen gives David scraps of food and tries to get Catherine to change her mind about feeding David.
  
• Catherine and Stephen begin to fight, and as the arguments between them became more frequent, the Stephen began to change-- he is not around for David.
  
• When David was forced to eat his own vomited hot dog, his father "stood like a statue"and watched him eat something "a dog wouldn't touch" after unsuccessfully "trying to talk Mother out of her demand" (pg 66 -67)
  
• David's father stood by as David's mother refused to let David use the bathroom but instead had to use a five-gallon bucket to relieve his diarrhea (pg 77).
• David's father started to help David with the dishes. Catherine stopped this, as well as she said that Stephen gave David too much attention. After that, David notes that his father "gave up" (pg 101 -102).
  
• When David was stabbed by his mother, David's father didn't even look at David when David reported the incident.

David said, "I knew that Mother controlled him like she controlled everything that happened in her house... All my respect for my Father was gone" (pg 90 - 91). Stephen gave up on David without a fight and started not even staying at home on his days off. One day he told David that he was sorry (pg 103) and eventually left the family all together (pg151), leaving David at the hands of his terribly abusive mother, Catherine. David said that he was fully aware of his father's lack of courage to rescue him, and he hated him for it (pg 134).

Marsha Linehan, in her book Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of the Borderline Patient, describes the normalcy that BPD's present to others. When people around the BPD mother hear her complaining about her child, the assumption is that the child is troubled rather than the mother. Further in social settings, the BPD mother may be engaging, gracious, and endearing.

• David talks about how when his mother was a den mother for the Cub Scouts, the kids commented how they wished their mother was like Catherine (pg 39).
  
• She snowed the school administration by showing up with her infant son in her arms and agreeing to cooperate with the school regarding David (pg 53).
  
• Additionally, he notes that in the presence of neighbors, his mother "played the role of the loving, caring parent-- just as she had when she was a Cub Scout den mother" (pg 122).
• Catherine also painted a different picture of their home life when David's Grandmother came for the holidays (pg 126).

Lawson points out that "children have faith in their parents and believe in their greater wisdom. No child wants to believe that his mother is capable of brutality" (pg 273).

• After stabbing David, he accepted his mother's increased compassion towards him. He hoped that she was trying to make up to him and hoping that he was back into the "family fold" (pg 94).
  
• Later that night, when he goes to bed with the large laceration, he goes so far to say "I felt safe knowing she was nearby to watch over me" (pg 95).
  
• Before a visit from Social Services, Catherine manipulates David into thinking that his ordeal was over and that she will "try to be a good mother" (pg 123). He even starts calling her "Mom" at this point.
  
• Near the end of the book, David is called an "It" by his mother, and he reveals, "I gave all that I could to accomplish anything possible for her recognition. But again, I failed. Mother's words were no longer coming from the booze; they were coming from her heart" (pg 141).
  

So, even through the devastating and intense abuse, David still held onto the hope that his mother loved him and that she would return to being a nurturing and caring parent.

Through and through, I believe that Catherine suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. She illustrates the maternal functioning of a Borderline Mother, including:

1. Confusing her child
2. Not apologizing for or remember inappropriate behavior
3. Expects to be taken care of
4. Punishes or discourages independence
5. Envies, ignores, or demeans her children's accomplishments
6. Destroys, denigrates, or undermines self-esteem
7. Expects children to respond to her needs
8. Frightens and upsets children
9. Disciplines inconsistently or punitively
10. Feels left out, jealous, or resentful if child is loved by someone else
11. Uses threats or abandonment (or actual abandonment) to punish the child
12. Does not believe in her children's basic goodness
13. Does not trust her children

Catherine fully qualifies for each of these points. Further and more specifically, as the Witch BPD mother, she sent the following messages to David:

• I could kill you
• You will be sorry
• You won't get away with this
• You deserve to suffer
• I'd be better off without you
  
• You'll never escape my control
  
• It's my right as your parent to control you
• I'm going to make you pay

The Witch's child is raised in a hopeless situation-- and David made it out with his resolve, smart thinking, and strong will. The Witch's words can be vile, her heart cold as stone-- thankfully David survived the vile words and the heartless mother to become a highly successful man and an inspiration for all.

Questions and Doubts Surrounding Parental Alienation Syndrome

Having come from a situation where BOTH of my parents used my brother and me as pawns in the divorce and pitted us against each other trying to turn us again the other parent, I deeply understand each element contained in Garder's and Baker's research and conclusions regarding PAS. I lived it. I experienced it. I had to overcome its devastating and damaging effects. To read that the scientific and legal legitimacy is questioned disturbs me.

First of all, regardless what LABEL is slapped on what happened to my brother and me in regard to brainwashing and manipulations by our parent to alienate the other, we underwent tremendous emotional abuse that was far stretching into four decades of our life. No matter what LABEL is attached to what happened, our parents blatantly tried to use my brother and me to hurt the other parent, and in the process, tried to turn us against the parent by telling us lies, embellishments, and scare tactics. TO THIS DAY:

• I don't know if my mother broke all the windows in the house as my Dad lead us to believe-- or did my Dad actually do it and pin it on my mother to scare us kids?
  
• I don't know if my now step-father (at the time he was just my mother's boyfriend / Dad's ex-friend) actually pulled a gun on my Dad or did my Dad make this up to scare us kids?
  
• If my mother was actually violent as my Dad portrayed with testimonial tapes made by friends, private detective followings, and medical records.
  

So, if the scientific legitimacy is questioned, therefore the courts don't accept PAS as actual abuse to the child, then how else is the child protected and removed from the abuse? I understand that for the courts to recognize PAS as 'scientific':

1. PAS must be based on methodology that can be or has been tested-- the courts have determined that PAS does not meet the threshold requirement to qualify as scientific. I take issue with the court's determination-- not merely on their 4 part 'test' but also for the sake of the children who are caught up in the court system's legal jargon and loop-holes. From the research I have performed, in the last 20 years the methodology of testing has been thorough and with depth & breadth.
   
2. PAS must have been the subject of peer review and publication-- PAS has been the subject of peer review and publication-- simply look at Amy J. L. Baker's body of work. She is the author or co-author of 3 books and over 45 peer reviewed articles.
   
3. The known or potential rate of error (reliability and validity) of PAS-- the reliability and validity of PAS is evidenced in the reality of its victims & their stories which fit perfectly into the constructs of PAS. Some of the court's comments about PAS's reliability and validity stem from the emergence of PAS into general public. The court is discrediting the findings saying that PAS is in its initial stage of discovery and, therefore, can't be determined reliable and valid. At this point, after 20 + years of more evidence, cases, and studies, PAS is as recognized as BPD (which was labeled around the same time).
   
4. Does PAS enjoy general acceptance within the scientific community-- since PAS is not a 'mental disorder' and doesn't meet the criteria for a 'mental illness', the psychiatric community has shunned PAS. I don't think PAS is mental disorder or illness. I believe it's a SYMPTOM of an overlying disease, such as BPD, NPD, alcoholism, or drug addiction. In and of itself, I don't think that PAS is a stand-alone disease. I think that during times of duress, PAS manifests itself. In other words, my Dad wouldn't have a reason to turn my brother and me against my mother during happy times of their marriage. Not until my mother cheated on my Dad with his friend and he shuddered at the thought of her also getting us kids did he decide to turn us against her. Reciprocally, when my mother lost custody of us kids to my Dad, but then got us back, she waged an all out war against him to this day with a tool kit of alienating arsenal. In other words, if my parents didn't have the mental and personality disorders, they may have had a copesectic divorce. But due to the disorders, the divorce dragged on, and each parent went into a pseudo-psychotic state-- not taking any consideration of how their behavior ultimately effected the kids as they lived in a world of revenge and vengence. My mother to this day can't talk about my Dad without copping a nutty-- and my Dad continues to say that if my mother died tomorrow that he wouldn't shed a tear. So does acceptance in the scientific community REALLY matter when a child is being abused? Does this really matter when a parent is being alienated from his / her beloved children? I understand this is a prong of the court's test as evidence of legitimacy, but if the prevalence of this type of abuse is so profound as it has been discovered, don't the children need protection? So rather than ditching PAS for whatever reason, shouldn't the abuse be recognized and handled regardless?
   

According to the courts, alternative factors to PAS for an expert to consider are (and some of these cracked me up because they are part & parcel of PAS... they are symptoms of PAS):

1. developmentally normal separation problems
2. deficits in the non-custodial parent’s skills (part of PAS: most alienating parents meet the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder, a pervasive and distorted relational style, including narcissism and borderline personality. A related finding is that many of the alienating parents appeared to have features of narcissistic and/or have a borderline personality disorders, alcoholism, drug addiction. These parents usually have deficits in parenting skills due to how the disorder is manifested)
   
3. oppositional behavior (part of PAS: children become the prize to be won or lost in what often becomes an escalating conflict, being used as pawns & turned against a parent in the process.)
   
4. high-conflict divorce proceedings (part of PAS: during heated child custody situation, the prevalence of PAS is heightened)
   
5. other serious emotional or medical problems of one family member (part of PAS: already mentioned above, parents with personality disorders, alcoholism, and drug addition are more likely to try to alienate the child from the other parent)
   
6. child abuse (part of PAS: well, actually PAS is EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Period. So, looking to see if the situation is 'child abuse' rather than 'PAS' is simply splitting hairs.)
   
7. inappropriate, unpredictable, or violent behavior by one parent (part of PAS: the brainwashing, manipulations, and scare tactics are just that-- inappropriate and unpredictable)
   
8. incidental causes, such as the child’s dislike of a parent’s new roommate or lover
9. alienation by third parties
10. the child’s unassisted manipulation of one or both parents
    
11. fears for the absent parent’s welfare

"The value of an expert’s contribution to the courts’ deliberations regarding children’s welfare should be based on clinically sound reasoning formulated from empirically derived data that will serve the best interest of the child and not on unsubstantiated hyperbole"-- Parental Alienation Syndrome: Frye v Gardner. Hyperbole?? Finding all of the information and research about PAS was a HUGE revelation for me. PAS explained for what I have been searching for decade. PAS is EXACTLY what happened to me. Short term losses included a normal childhood, healthy relationships with parents, shattered attachment with parents, and more. Long term effects included but not limited to anxiety, feelings of intense guilt, fear, and confusion. For the court to take what could be so VALIDATING, so HEALING, so much of a REVELATION for a child that is in the midst of the damaging of effects of PAS is a complete shame. Where the emotional abuse could be stopped in its tracks, the court would rather not hear about PAS.

I know that I have made this all too simplistic than reality; however, that is just the point. Simply put, the abuse can be more readily identified through the tool of PAS, and therefore, simply STOPPED. By the court allowing what they think is not 'scientific', they could allow as a 'tool' to enable children to see beyond the dysfunction and toxicity of the world they're enveloped. I know that when I was going through PAS at the hands of my parents, I didn't see the full picture of what was going on. I didn't have an enlightened witness to help me to see what my parents were doing. When a child is caught up in the crazy turmoil of not only their parents' divorce but also the emotional abuse of PAS, the child most likely is unable to see the clear picture and, therefore, not able to steer clear from brainwashing. I would have been eternally grateful if the courts defined PAS for me and put a stop to the crazy circus that my parents created.

As strong willed and level headed as I was, I still had a very difficult time deciphering what was going on with my parents-- who was telling the truth, if I should be weary of one parent or the other, the realization that one of my parents was not being honest but which one was telling the truth, that no matter what I was going to upset a parent so I was always walking on eggshells, wanting to please my parents so much and having to play sick games, knowing that I can't have a relationship with both parents at the same time (it's one or the other), being legitimately SCARED of my parent, and that my parents wielded guilt as a very effective weapon (definitely a huge tool with alienation).

PAS has been cited as part of the child custody determination process in the United States. Based on the evaluation of PAS, courts in the US have awarded sole custody to some fathers. Of sixty-four precedent-bearing cases, only two decisions, both in New York State and both in criminal courts actually set precedents. Both held PAS inadmissible and one case found that PAS failed the Frye test as the appropriate professional community did not generally accept; this decision was upheld in an appellate court. One case stated that PAS passed the Frye test, but the appeal did not discuss the Frye test and actually "[threw] out the words "'parental alienation syndrome'" and focused on the "willingness and ability of each parent to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing relationship between the parents and the child." In the second case the appellate court did not discuss PAS; the third case specifically chose not to discuss the admissibility of PAS and the fourth made no decision on PAS-- Parental Alienation Syndrome Wikipedia

Funny how the PAS is PAS whether you call it PAS or write it out in its definition form. Sad that so much time, money, and headache has to be put in with these cases, taking them all the way to the appellate courts. How much precious time is lost with the child's childhood-- the time they should be laughing, carefree, loved, and feeling safe. So much time is spent on the legal gymnastics and parental battles that the true meaning behind all of parenting is lost-- to nuture and rear your child in a loving, safe, and supportive environment.

Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome

As I have communicated in this blog, my mother has BPD and my father has NPD. They went through a horrible divorce which lasted over a decade, cost over tens of thousands of dollars EACH, and tragically used my brother and me as pawns. I am always researching and reading about topics that will help to further my understanding, increase my clarification, and continue to validate my lifelong experiences with my parents. With the researching and reading, I stumbled upon another “A-HA” topic that knocked my socks off. Before getting into the specifics, I want to review my background as related to this topic.

I was born to my mother and my biological father. When I was a few months old, my mother divorced him in order to marry her high school sweetheart. Her high school sweetheart (Dad) adopted me, and my baby album and baby book were both altered to completely erase my biological father. My biological paternal grandparents were told to come over one day and to say goodbye to me forever. Absolutely no evidence of my birth father remained. No words were spoken about this birth father-- that is until my mother needed the information to use.

My mother had an affair with my Dad’s friend, and subsequently, my mother and Dad divorced in the late 70's. Upon visiting with my mother one weekend when I was living with my Dad, she announces that she can get a hold of my birth father-- OUT OF THE BLUE. I was taken back by the question but curious. I remember entertaining the notion, and we did speak to him for a short phone call. After that, I had no interest whatsoever talking to him again. LITTLE DID I KNOW, my mother used this information -- that I was in touch with my birth father-- to hurt my Dad. She leaked the information, making sure he found out. Throughout the years, she has tried to use my biological father and his family as a weapon when she sees fit.

On the flip side, my Dad, during the divorce, would go through my mother’s things and tell my brother and me all sorts of crazy things about my mother, which truly scared us to bits. He showed us the book, “The Sensuous Woman” and told us that our mother was a sex addict. He showed us her incense burner and told us that she was a drug user. He had a private detective following my mother and us kids, who would snap pictures using flashes in the middle of the night scaring us. He called the police one night after peeking in through the living room window and seeing my brother and me play with my mother and her boyfriend (my Dad’s ex-friend). He reported to the police that my brother and I were getting beat.

My Dad asked me to report activity going on at the house—such as who came to the house, when cars came and went at night, and what my mother was doing at various times. He would pick me up on my way walking to school and cry about how he couldn’t live without my brother and me—and about how he wants my brother and me to move in with him. Hearing his words and seeing my Dad cry were more than I could handle and deeply disturbed me.

My brother and I ended-up moving into my Dad’s apartment. During this time, he had us so freaked-out about our mother that we refused to visit her to decorate the Christmas tree. He had us backed into a corner of his apartment, making us feel guilty and scared to leave to go with her. Ultimately, he called and canceled the visit with her.

Unannounced, my mother moved out of the house while my brother and I took up residence at my Dad’s apartment. My Dad made a huge spectacle of the situation, having the neighbors on ‘patrol’. They were appointed posts and look-outs, and my brother and I were totally stressed over the whole situation. Dad even came to us at one point in a frantic state saying that my mother’s boyfriend flashed a gun at him. He also said that my mother smashed all the windows in the house—and he later paraded us around the house to show us the damage she did. He went so far as to open all of the cabinets in the house, pointing out things like, “AND LOOK, she even took the TOILET PAPER”. To this day, I don’t know who actually did the window smashing—my Dad was wrong in simply showing us the damage and creating a big deal about it.

Once we moved into the house, my mother wanted to have us come to her apartment for visitation. On two occasions in particular we didn’t go as an altercation between my mother and Dad broke out, and I had to call the police. After all was said and done, my brother and I wanted only to go to our rooms; therefore, we declined seeing our mother again. By the time I finally went to see my mother at her apartment, my Dad had us so scared that we were to call him at specific times to report if we are ‘okay’. I remember having to sneak away to find a phone every so often (actually quite often) to report what was going on.

I also remember being COMPLETELY FREAKED over the syringe that I saw in my mother’s bathroom. The syringe was simply an antique, glass display item that her doctor boyfriend gave her; however, with all of the hoopla created by my Dad surrounding her supposed drug use (which wasn’t true), I was shaking!

My Dad has us going to a psychiatrist that was supposed to speak for us in court during the custody hearings. This situation was very disturbing as we went at night (in the dark), after hours, and as the only people there with the DR. I didn’t feel comfortable at all, and the entire scenario even made the situation surrounding my parents’ divorce even more heightened. The DR would ask very leading questions, strongly suggesting we answer a certain way. You could tell he was looking for certain information and would clearly lead questioning and discussion in that direction. When the custody hearings came up, my Dad plead with my brother and me to attend and testify against my mother. We agreed; however, when the actual day came up, my brother declined and I went with my Dad.

Now, later in my teenage years (early-80's), after my Dad remarried, I ended up moving in with my mother. After the custody hearing, we were driving away from the courthouse, and my mother turned around in her seat and announced she & my step-father plan to move to another state. I was stunned, as nothing was ever discussed about moving prior to the custody hearing. I was dumbfounded and immediately thought that my mother's plan was to take me as far away from my Dad as possible.

Once I moved in with my mother, I had minimal contact with my Dad. My mother completely vilified him and would go ballistic and irrational whenever his name was brought up. She forced me to record phone conversations between him and me. She hooked the receiver to this wire that went to a recorder, and she gave me a list of questions and topics to talk to him about, trying to nail him for this or that. I felt absolutely HORRIBLE about it, and I ended up not wanting to talk to him because I didn’t want my mother putting me back into that situation again. And if I did talk to him and she didn’t know it until later, she would drill me about what was said and then drill me with why didn’t I say this or that. She kept up with the hatred all the way through until recent time (when we became estranged due to my wedding plans that included my Dad, and again, she conveniently used my biological father as a weapon of sorts).

So, now you know some of the background that leads to my new topic: Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). Dr. Richard Gardner first coined the term “parental alienation syndrome” in the 1980s to describe the systematic vilification by one parent of the other parent and brainwashing of the child, with the intent of alienating the child from the other parent. Parental alienation syndrome occurs when one parent is engaged in an attempt not merely to destroy the other parent, but also to make the child join in the process. The child becomes "a weapon, a spokesperson, and a co-combatant". The syndrome, as Gardner defined it, reveals the following factors:

1. Alienating parents obsessively have their children become preoccupied with unjustified deprecation and criticism of the targeted parent; this deprecation and criticism occurs in the absence of a rational and legitimate cause. This is not a situation in which the targeted parent has shown abuse or neglect.
2. Alienating parents are obsessed with intentionally destroying the relationship between the child and the targeted parent. To this end, the alienating parent will lie to the child about the targeted parent’s true feelings or induce the child to believe that the targeted parent is harmful. There will be an attempt to erase the targeted parent from the child’s life.

Now as I sit here and write this, and review back on a few of my blog entries, I realize that my mother clearly and distinctively subjected me to PAS from my childhood onward into adulthood (to our most recent estrangement). Check out this entry when you have a chance: Meddling With Our Lives My mother completely erased my biological father. All record and evidence of him was wiped clean, and my adopted father (Dad) was brought into the picture. Later when she divorced my Dad, she attempted to destroy my relationship with my Dad by entering my biological father back into the picture, drilling me about my relationship with my Dad, and having me perform ‘dirty’ tasks for her such as record conversations using leading questions / topics.

My Dad also utilized PAS, emotionally abusing my brother and me for years. My Dad took extensive measures to destroy my relationship with my mother by using contempt and disapproval without sane or justifiable cause (ie: telling us that she’s a sex addict, drug user, and dangerous). He brainwashed us using a mix of emotions, fact, and twisted lies. He also made us feel very vulnerable and scared-- he made us really need him in an insecure and unstable way. And in the end, when he got custody of us and he remarried a lady with two other children (much to my brother and my disapproval), he turned away from my brother and me and hasn’t returned since.

Many Alienating Parents Seemed to Have Personality Disorders

Most alienating parents meet the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder, a pervasive and distorted relational style, including narcissism and borderline personality. A related finding is that many of the alienating parents appeared to have features of narcissistic and/or have a borderline personality disorder.

When I read this, I dropped my teeth again! Wow! When I found the topic about PAS, I was floored. I knew that my parents using my brother and me as pawns was damaging, abusive, and downright wrong. Now to read that the parents who engage in this toxicity (PAS) are predominately personality disordered, which fits BOTH of my parents (mother- BPD and Dad- NPD), I was doubly floored. My childhood path was not a coincidence. All of this fits together-- from the bizarre behavior of my mother, the self absorbed actions of my Dad, the horrible divorce battle, only being able to have one parent in your life at a time, to having parents pit one against the other. The way all of this links together is amazing:

My mother has BPD --> BPD women typically marry narcissist --> my Dad has NPD --> when BPD women divorce NPD men, the divorce is typically drawn out and nasty: Narcissistic and Borderline Couples --> My mother and Dad indeed had a tumultuous, long, and destructive divorce that lasted over a decade and cost each over $30,000 --> 20 years ago (after my parents divorced) PAS was termed and completely describes what my brother and I went through at the hands of our parents. My parents used us kids as pawns in their divorce. Further, they used brainwashing, emotional abuse, manipulation, control tactics, and turning the kids against the other parent. TO THIS DAY, my brother and I cannot have a relationship with both parents—it’s one or the other. This is the way it’s been since the divorce was initiated.

PAS is a Form of Emotional Abuse

Parental alienation can be considered a form of emotional abuse for at least two reasons. First, the strategies that the alienating parents used to effectuate the alienation are emotionally abusive in and of themselves. That is, the alienating parents verbally assaulted, isolated, corrupted, rejected, terrorized, ignored, and over-pressured the children in order to alienate them from the targeted parent. These behaviors are part and parcel of what constitutes emotional abuse of children. In addition, it is proposed that separation of a child from a parent also constitutes emotional abuse-- Amy J.L. Baker

Strangely, each of my parents will accuse the other of emotional and mental abuse of my brother and me, BUT neither parent will acknowledge their own abusive doings. My mother says that one’s childhood should be left in the past, as that’s what it is, and that one’s childhood has no bearing on who you are as an adult or what you make of yourself. My Dad won’t talk about the past, and he says he chooses not to remember. With both parents, they abused my brother and me, but neither to this day will recognize the immense abuse consisting of verbal assaults, isolation, corruption, rejection, terrorizing, being ignored, and over-pressuring in order to hurt the other parent.

Resources

• Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind
• Symptoms of Parental Alienation Syndrome
• Book Review: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind
• Long Term Reaction as a Result of Parental Alienation- Dr. L.F. Lowenstein
• Parenting Article: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome
• Parental Alienation Syndrome — The Parent/Child Disconnect
• Parental Alienation Syndrome: A Developmental Analysis of a Vulnerable Population
• An Interview with Amy J. L. Baker, Ph.D. on Parental Alienation Syndrome

Understanding the Borderline Mother | Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage

In the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Lawson the topic of how the BPD mother organizes a campaign of denigration (p. 141), which is exactly what happened to me when my mother disliked what she was hearing about my wedding. Lawson says, "The borderline enlists others as allies against the person who is the target of her rage. She may seek out friends, family members (including siblings and children), and co-workers of her victim in whom to confide fabricated stories designed to discredit her enemy. She intentionally leaves out discussion of her own behavior, presenting the other person's behavior as entirely unjustified." This is EXACTLY to a 'T' what happened to me during this present estrangement with my mother. And the following is an account of one of those people who my mother recruited during her campaign.

When my brother recently got out of jail and my mother went to 'help' him (Adult Child in Crisis with Personality Disorder Parents) after not seeing or talking to him for ten years) my mother took my brother to visit one of MY old colleagues. WHAT!? Yeah. WEIRD. That's my bizarre (there's that word again!) mother.

This girl (we'll call her Bree) was one of my employees at several places I managed through the late 1980's and early / mid 1990's as she would work where-ever I managed. In the mid-1990's, she was diagnosed with the same physical disease as my mother. I ended up giving each of them each other's number so they could talk about their diagnoses, symptoms, and treatment. Apparently they kept up with each other more than I thought or knew about.

During the course of my relationship with Bree, I inadvertently discovered she had a cocaine problem but I never addressed it at work or told my mother as her cocaine usage didn't interfere with work or me personally. Additionally, I never talked to Bree about my mother and our conflicts & estrangements.

Around the time that my future husband asked me to marry him (2004), I had just graduated with a Master's Degree and was helping my mother & step-father get their house in order before taking a job. I was working there Monday through Friday, 8 hours a day, with the purpose of gutting out, organizing, and cleaning-- I received $15.00 per day for my time and effort (basically gas money there and back). I was not helping for the 'money' (obviously)-- the effort was out of love, respect, and caring.

At this time, Bree came to town. When Bree arrived in town, she wanted to get together with everyone (who is friend's with mutual friends of mine) during the day... and my mother's response was that I was working a 'normal job' and that Bree shouldn't expect me to just leave during work hours. My mother acted like a 'boss', telling me that I have a commitment to working at her house. So, plans were made to have everyone meet at night.

A bunch of the old employees that all worked together (including Bree, our mutual friends, and myself) met at a restaurant. Bree acted VERY STRANGELY and left early (like 10 minutes after the last guest arrived who drove over an hour to get there). I later found out from one of our mutual friends in attendance that Bree was acting so strangely because she was craving cocaine and wanted to leave to get some. The next day, I told my mother this story about Bree, her behavior, and the cocaine.

Long story short, my mother and I had that blow up about my wedding, and our estrangement starts (Little Women 2004). My mother then turns to Bree and tells her that I am claiming she's a drug addict. Bree, of course, doesn't fess up to the fact that she has a cocaine problem and that her fiance is a dealer... and instead supports whatever my mother says about me to save face.

My mother also tells Bree that I felt as if Bree was imposing on me when she came to town and that I was irritated with her interfering with my work and daily routine. My mother COMPLETELY twisted the entire scenario around as MY MOTHER was the one who was ticked that Bree expected me to leave working at my mother's house but then flipped the information in order to recruit Bree to her "let's hate Gretel Ella" bandwagon.

"Others may believe the BPD's allegations of mistreatment because of the intensity of emotion. Misinformation is calculated and constructed in order to destroy the victim's reputation. Those who do not know the true situation may not notice inconsistencies in the BPD's story. It is difficult to verify the truth because the intensity of the emotion dissuades others from asking details" Lawson (p, 141). I believe Bree believes the allegations because of the calculated and constructed nature of the misinformation as well as she never knew the background of my mother and my relationship dating back to my childhood. Plus, I think Bree's belief in what my mother was purporting was self-motivated as well, as Bree needed to save her own reputation.

Reciprocally, my mother feels more justified that she did no wrong to me in regard to blowing up over my wedding as Bree, my ex-colleague, backs her up with WHATEVER she says (alas, the organization of the denigration campaign mentioned earlier!). Bree also becomes an accomplice and informant for my mother. Months prior to my wedding, I find out from a mutual friend that Bree and my mother are planning on crashing my wedding. And then every so often, I hear that Bree is trying to fish for information from our mutual friend about me to give to my mother.

SO THIS is the person that my mother took my brother to see just as he left jail. WHAT THE HECK!!?!? Hmmm, that is the 'help' that my brother needed in such a pinnacle and critical time in his life? Seems very self serving and convoluted on my mother's part if you ask me.

What Makes My Narcissist Dad Tick

We're approaching SIX MONTHS that my Dad has not bothered to contact my daughter (his granddaughter) or myself after he canceled attending a Christmas gathering when my husband's family was visiting. What led up to the cancellation was a big convoluted mess (Holidays Leading to the Last Straw 2008) of my Dad trying to control Christmas and then realizing he didn't have control and gossiping and lying to other family members about the situation. He iced the cake by not visiting during Christmas, emailing, " ...we will have to pass on coming up to your house. I don't think now would be a good time in lieu of what has gone on." What all his lying, gossiping, and manipulating!? Is he too embarrassed to face my husband and me?

At any rate, no matter how pissed he is at my husband or me or the situation, he has NO RIGHT to take any of this out on my daughter. What in the world has this little toddler done to him!? He has made ZERO effort to contact her, to see her, to develop a relationship, or ANYTHING. Christmas came and went with NO CALL, NO CARD, NO GIFTS... her 2nd birthday came and went... Easter came and went... nothing. His self absorption is AMAZING. Which is leading me to this poignant excerpt from What Makes Narcissists Tick by Kathy Krajo pgs. 83-84:

Extreme self-absorption is another red flag. Unless a narcissist is a "doting" narcissist who keeps a "star" child he's exploiting under a microscope, just ask him about his family. You will be astounded at what he doesn't know about them.

That's the dead giveaway.

To test a person, write a basic character description of each member of his immediate family. Note things like whether this person is religious, excitable, highly motivated -- that's all, just basic stuff that anyone who sees them regularly should know about them. If you ask a narcissist to match each character description with the family member it belongs to, he will gape at you as though you just asked him to show the derivation of E = mc2.

It will astound him that you would expect him to know such things about his wife and children.

Because you know more about cartoon characters than a narcissist knows about the members of his immediate family. For, he can learn nothing about what he willfully, relentlessly, and reflexively pays no attention to.

Narcissists are notorious for being unable to remember people's names or to even recognize their faces outside the usual setting. That's because people all look the same to you when they all look like this.

[drawing of a girl's face blanked out because it is a mirror showing the narcissist flexing and posing in the mirror that should be her face.]

In your encounters with them, you make sure you get 100% of their attention while giving them zero of yours. So, what did they say? Anything? Did they even get a word in edgewise? If they did, you didn't hear it.

A narcissist may, for example, recognize her son in the home but not when she runs into him in the grocery store -- giving him a stupid stare as he approaches, until he clues her in by saying, "Hi, Mom."

Here are some other illustrative examples from narcissists I have known or heard about:

• Does not know how to spell his daughter's name.
• Never had any idea what kind of grades his kids got.
• Does not know his wife or children's birthdays.
• Has never visited the major Website his/her child/sibling published.
• Does not know how old his children are.
• Does not know that his daughter was a National Merit Finalist.
• Has no idea how good his kids are at any sport or other activity.
• Does not know what perfume his wife wears.
• Has never read the book his child wrote.
• Never does learn the names of the students in his/her classes.
• Cannot get the names of people "with two first names" straight. (viz. Jean Paul, Howard Dean, John Kerry, or even John Edwards.)
• Does not know the names of his children's spouses, let alone his grandchildren.
• Has never shown up to watch his son play varsity sports.
• Does not know what his children majored in at college or what degrees they earned.
• Does not know whether his teen-age son/daughter is dating.
• Has never met the boy his teen-age daughter has been dating for three years.

One could hardly be less interested in a fly on the wall.

This description fits my Dad perfectly-- the Narcissistic King. For the longest time, I know he couldn't tell you the name of my company (he might not be able to even now, and I have had it for almost five years). He has no idea what I do on a day to day basis, how I live my life, what I enjoy doing, who I am, what I studied in graduate school, or practically anything about me personally. He recently admitted he doesn't even remember a guy I dated for 3 years (we had visited with my Dad countless times) that had asked me to marry him. WOW!

He will walk away when I am in the middle of a conversation with him-- or he will abruptly change the subject. The conversations are actually him telling stories about topics that are so bizarre (buying luggage, random people he's encountered, his remote control), long & drawn out, and repeated over & over. His stories seem to be noise to cover up any silence or to stop any MEANINGFUL conversation. But, no matter what, he always dominates the conversation... and the topic will never involve anything that has been going on in your life or about you.

And now, he is so self absorbed that he could care less about developing a relationship with his granddaughter. He DOES have a relationship with his step-daughter's child, however. I like how Anna Valerious of Narcissists Suck puts it, "The actual mechanics of how the NPD grandparent will misuse their relationship to their grandchildren will vary. Generally, they will either over-value or under-value the grandchild as a means to get to you." Definitely my Dad is under-valuing my daughter as a means to get to me. He has shown minimal interest in her since she was a few months old and continually blames everyone and every thing but himself for the lack of relationship he has with her. On the flipside, his step-granddaughter lived in his house for her first SEVEN YEARS, and he dotes on her to this day.

Although I am saddened by the fact that my daughter will not have a relationship with her grandfather, I am also content with the status as my Dad is a KNOWN DANGER. He has treated me as if I am invisible. He's treated our relationship with such carelessness and disregard. He is tremendously critical, judgmental, and nit-picky about everything I do that I can't win. And he tries to control me and treat me like I am a 10-year old child. Again, quoting Anna Valerious in Narcissists Suck, "It is imperative to let yourself know that, without profound evidence to the contrary, your narcissist parent is a narcissist still. You must let yourself know for a fact that your Nparent can not be trusted with your most precious responsibility, your children. If you allow contact between your children and your Nparent it must never be out of sight. Never for a moment leave your child alone with this serial abuser. They only need a few moments of alone time to inflict damage. A whisper, an insinuation, a pinch, a look. If you consider yourself a responsible parent you will never, ever leave your child alone with your Nparent. Ever."

So, at this point, I am AMAZED, simply AMAZED, that my Dad has not taking ANY time or effort to formulate a relationship with my daughter... I am also very much at peace with not talking to or getting together with him because I DO NOT want to subject my daughter to his dangerous personality. I want her to have unconditional love-- love that is surrounded by safety, security, and peace. He cannot offer that. I have wished to find that love with him since I was a young child, and I have been unsuccessful. I have been unsuccessful because that type of unselfish love is not possible from a completely self absorbed narcissist.

Six months has past, and I am sure another six months will pass and my Dad will continue to tell family members that he is waiting on a call from me and spread a few more outlandish lies about my husband, myself, and so so sadly my daughter. If he only put as much effort into a relationship, getting to know his 'loved ones' as much as he does to gossip and control, he would have so much richness in his life rather than distention. But this is how he views the world-- through his self absorbed glasses.