"The most common campaign of denigration is organized against ex-spouses and ex-partners of the borderline. Divorces, separations, and endings of relationships can trigger full-blown war; thus, custody battles may continue for years. The borderline is consumed with annihilatory rage and may seek financial, emotional, and physical revenge" p 142 Lawson.
In regard to having to testify against my mother in 1979, the event was VERY traumatic and stressful for me. I felt extremely pressured by my Dad to do this, and I felt as if I were to display my loyalty and respect for my Dad, I would have to follow through with his wishes. I was a wreck, being taken out of school (7th grade) and going to the courthouse. Seeing my mother there was AWFUL. She was visibly distraught seeing her daughter in court with the motive to testify against her. My brother had backed out at the last minute, but I felt this overwhelming need to please my Dad and intimidated to say 'no' to him. Of course, everything my Dad had to say about this occasion was that I was merely 'telling the facts' and not doing anything wrong.
Looking back at it now, I think it was completely wrong on ALL levels. See subsequent blog entry: Adult Children of Parental Alienation. My parents should have never put the kids in the middle of their divorce. My parents should have never made us chose between parents. My parents should not have projected their pain during the divorce onto the kids. "Both the borderline Queen and the narcissistic King perceive themselves as innocent victims. The true victims, of course, are their children" p 190 Lawson. TO THIS DAY, neither of my parents admits to what they did to my brother and me-- and what they put us through for decades.
I found this very revealing study relating to Borderline and Narcissistic parents going to court for divorce. "There seems to be emerging a new kind of couple with which, I believe, courts are becoming more and more familiar. Although to date there is no diagnostic category indicating a collective diagnosis of this particular couple indicating their behaviors, pathological interactions, characteristics, and idiosyncratic nature of relationship, they are becoming an increasing concern to court officials in the area of family law. Moreover, judges, lawyers, counselors and court personnel are becoming more .baffled about this type of dyadic unit. They see them regularly but don't recognize that beneath their apparent stubborn, childlike behaviors are some real fundamental conflictual issues" Narcissist Borderline Couples
Being the pawn tossed around in a divorce battle is trying, especially when a borderline mothers reputation is on the line. When my parents divorced (I told my father to for my mental sanity!) I spoke to the judge and asked to live with my father. My mother, who for the first time was really challenged and threatened by me went to such extreme levels to sabatoge in any way she could. Like you say, she will never admit to any wrongdoing. I remember being court ordered visitation with her, and as we were walking down the block near my house she was acting typically fake and up to something asking suspicious questions about my father and I in her strange voices. I tripped over a pebble on the street, momentarily not being side by side, I noticed a tape recorder behind her back! She was upset she was caught, got defensive and made up something to justify her sneaky maliciousness. I stormed off, insisting i gave her a chance and that her trust was completely invalidated, screaming down the street in my upper-middle class neighborhood. I imagine she must have been terrified of exposure, as like you've mentioned, dr jekyle/mr heyde (best actress ever)could have been caught..I remember being hysterical and saying admit one thing you've done to me in the past 16 years, i bet you can even do that. I stopped, and gave her a chance, well knowing she couldn't, and stormed on. I refused to have visitation with her from that point onward, but she just stalked me.. never can get away!
ReplyDeleteBravo to you! You are a strong person-- keep it up. I applaud you :)
ReplyDeleteMy "mother" (a Walking Cluster B) also forced me to testify in Court-in fact, she insisted I LIE on the stand. I refused to lie and told her before Court I was going to tell the truth and would not lie. I made absolutely NO impression on her whatsoever. The ride back to her place from Court was a jihad of terror, her pounding me with her right arm/fist (I was in the passenger seat) and driving like a wild woman in a metro area. I was certain I was going to die that evening.
ReplyDeleteI terminated the relationship (NC'd) about a decade later. She hired PIs and stalked me, my family and friends until her physical death decades later. She destroyed my first career post-undergrad that I loved and had been recruited to before I finished school.
I don't like to talk about this because I'm concerned it will discourage others from NC and I don't want to give Estranged Parents any more ideas regarding how to destroy their adult offspring's lives. Beware a Cluster B "Parent" with virtually unlimited financial resources. As Susannah above stated, "never can get away!" Isn't that the truth! It's truly a perverse dynamic: They don't want us-but they don't want anyone else to "have" us either. OTOH, there are Stalking and other laws in place now that were not available when I was going through this. Frankly, I'm uncertain how effective they would have been in my situation but at least there's some hope for recourse now.
TW
Thanks so much for the comments. Yes, mine also has unlimited financial resources, which has concerned me at times. She has been ill for many years, however, and I think this has stopped her from doing more than what she's done to 'destroy their adult offspring's lives' as you stated. My mother has been more of the type to take off on campaigns of denigration-- trying to turn people against me (including coworkers, colleagues in graduate school, family members, friends, etc).
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ReplyDeleteOh yes, I also had a HUGE on-going Slime and Malign Campaign that went on for the ensuing years until her physical death. Aiye. And then they do their claw-back from the grave via their Will. Ex: the messes they leave-as you've noted, houses, possessions etc. that would be a Hoarder Episode if they weren't strung out all over the place geographically and they set up conditions that ensure their off-spring continue to battle one another infinitely etc. Kind of a final Bitch-Slap in case you forgot how nasty they truly are, here's a lil' (BIG!) "reminder!"
ReplyDeleteI later realized they do this Slime and Malign stuff pro-actively and reactively, ie, They Set the Trap by maligning you to others even while you're engaging with them and they may in fact be treating you like a human being at the time. Consequently, when you do NC you're already working on 0 credibility because she's already undermined you to everyone. Regardless of your age, she's always gonna be the "Mother" and you're always gonna be "The Child."
They ensure you're going to be without social support and that sense of isolation becomes complete when the IED's start going off post-NC. You truly have to reach down deep and find that little spark in yourself somewhere that *knows* your Truth.
I don't know why life demands the most from us when we have the least to give...huh. I've often wondered about this and the only conclusion I can come up with is we have more personal resources, more personal integrity, more just plain courage in there than we ever knew we had.
I would have preferred not to have found this out, but oh well: It is what it is! ;)
TW
You soooo hit the nail on the head: "When you do NC you're already working on 0 credibility because she's already undermined you to everyone." Also, what if the Will is no consequence to you-- meaning, you just don't respond or accept anything from the Will by just letting go completely? Let 'em all have it and keep with the NC even beyond.
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