Is Spanking or Whipping Child Abuse?

With the recent flurry of media attention from the video gone viral by the daughter (Hillary Adams) of a Texas court judge (Judge William Adams), a lot of discussion has been taking place about whether the judge went above and beyond simple discipline of his child. For those of you who haven't seen the video, you can watch it here: Texas Judge Whips Daughter 

When I watched this video, I was out of breath with sweating palms and shaking hands. My heart was racing. I cannot believe that these parents treated their precious child with so much anger and venom. With all of the vulgarities and insults, this was not only an example of physical abuse but verbal abuse.

The parents' approach was not in a loving manner but in a controlling, angry, and out of control manner. The abuse seemed to never end. The father kept coming back for more-- and then the mother came into the room saying that the girl should take it like a woman. What a poor statement on the mother's behalf. And then the mother took the belt and whipped the girl one time- otherwise known as 'kicking the dog while its down'.

Anyway, this is FAR from a spanking. The judge was beating her on the front, back, sides, where-ever. And he kept coming back for more, yelling profanities the entire time:

• "I'll spank your f___ing face" "
• Get on your f___ing stomach" "
• Get on your G_d d__n stomach" 
• "I'll beat you into submission" 
• "You don't deserve to be in this f___ing house" 
• "I should just keep beating you and beating you, that's how upset I am" 
• "If you raise your f___ing voice one little bit to me or your mother ... or  look at me f__ing wrong I will wear your f___ing a__ out with this belt." 
• "You caused this with your dis-f__ing-obidence" 

My word! This is verbal abuse and so disheartening. Why are these parents (more so her father) talking so vulgarly to their daughter? Would they want her talking to them that way? What type of leadership are they illustrating to her? 

In regard to discipline, I have several points: 

1. The child should be spoken to in a calm and collect manner. 
2. The child should be told what he / she did incorrectly and what he / she should have done instead. 
3. The child should be allowed to express why he / she did what he / she did. 
4. The discipline that follows should be progressive. For the first incidence, the repercussion is _____  (time out, restriction, removal of item). For the second incidence, the repercussion should be more harsh (longer time out, longer restriction, longer period of removal of item). The third incidence (three strikes you're out) should be long term or permanent loss of privilege.
5. The discipline should be administered in a controlled and loving manner. If a parent is angry, the parent should walk away, take a breather, and then continue to address the incident. 
6. The discipline should never be the parent taking their frustrations out on their child. 
7. The child should know that he / she is loved and thus in a safe and secure environment-- not with a parent that is out-of-control. If the parent is out-of-control, trust is lost between parent and child; therefore, discipline is less effective.
8. The parent should lead by example. If the parent has a tantrum (like this judge in the video), what is the child learning? 

In this video, the girl apparently: (1) didn't use the computer strictly for school as instructed and (2) downloaded items that should have been downloaded from a pay-site. If the judge wanted to use a controlled spanking after he spoke with her about the two infractions, she should have known ahead of time that the repercussion is ________ number of spankings for each infraction. The discipline would have been calmly executed. After the spankings, the father should have lovingly spoken to her about what to correctly do next time-- reiterating that the computer is just used for school and no downloading of any kind. If this was the 2nd or 3rd infraction, progressive discipline should be administered.

I feel the more effective discipline, however, is restriction from use of computer as well as going online to pay for the downloads legally. Since she is 16 y/o and able to reason and discuss what is acceptable behavior as well as what is legal use of the Internet, talking to her in depth about these issues is valuable not only short-term but long-term. What did she learn about legally downloading items online by getting whipped and hearing profanities screamed at her? Additionally, having her research digital piracy, penalties for digital piracy, and other legal aspects of online usage related to her infraction would be greatly beneficial.

Another point is that the discipline should have a clear beginning and a clear ending. This judge did not have a clear ending with the whipping discipline. Therefore, in the case of a spanking, the beginning should take place after the initial talk about what she did incorrectly. The spanking then should take place with a countdown. Once the spanking is finished, a discussion of what needs to be improved should follow. This would conclude the discipline session. In the case of time outs or restrictions, again, there is a talk prior to the discipline. Thereafter, the time out or restriction follows. Once the time out or restriction ends, a follow-up discussion takes place regarding future expectations. 

The definition of physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.. This judge is illustrating abusive behavior due as he is clearly intimidating her by cowering over her, whipping her front / back / sides, picking her up off of the floor by the arm and pulling her back onto the bed, getting into her face, and more. He also intended to cause injury as he was using a belt (the biggest one he could find as he stated at the beginning), whipped her all over her front even when she wouldn't turn around for her bottom to be spanked, and kept beating her even after her cries for him to stop. He also caused physical suffering by continually coming back into the room for more as well as continuing to beat her when she refused to flip over onto her stomach.

He does not appear to want to improve her behavior but take out his rage on her, verbally and physically. Whipping her up and down the front of her body-- as well as chasing her around her bed-- is not teaching her anything about what she did wrong or how to correct it. What his behavior is simply doing is teaching her not to respect him. And with parenting, respect is of utmost importance. 

The mother is culpable as well. She did nothing to stop the father from taking out his temper tantrum on the daughter. She actually aided and abetted, adding in commentary to further wound the child mentally. The father shows that he is a control freak, and the mother further solidifies this stance by demanding the girl to be a submissive woman. My heart cried out to see a mother take this position-- and to compound the incident worse by taking the belt and whipping her daughter one time. That whipping was almost like kicking the dog one more time 'just because'... kicking the dog when it's down. Very sad state of affairs. I feel for this adult child of this abusive man (and mother-- who didn't have the courage, care, or insight to stop her raging husband). 

Bottom-line, we should love our children, lead by example, and solve issues with careful and controlled discipline. We are bestowed the greatest responsibility in the world, and we should take that responsibility and treat it with respect. We are the parents, and we should lead the way to a happy, secure, loving world. Flying of the handle uncontrollably and treating your child with such venom is not a way that child learn effectively. In fact, that type of treatment wounds the child, damages their sense of self, and hurts the child to the core. 

So is spanking or whipping a form of child abuse? If the spanking is used in a manner that is loving and respectful, then for SOME children, this MAY be an acceptable and productive way to discipline. Spanking is legal. But is spanking the right thing to do? There is a FINE LINE between spanking and physically abusing. Remember: physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm. Spanking in any case would be intimidating to a child, cause injury by bruising, and cause physical suffering by the mere act itself.

I have worked with children in all sorts of capacities, and I have always had to use discipline procedures that involve time outs and restrictions. I have never been able to use spankings- nor would I. I cannot imagine spanking, physically striking, or whipping a child.... period. And with all of the decades of dealing with children, I have been successful with children of all types using time outs and restrictions. The main key is consistency and progressive. I have had no problem getting compliance from large groups of kids by communicating expectations, having consistent repercussions for misbehavior, and follow-up with areas to improve. 

We tell our kids to keep their hands to themselves, not to hit, and to be nice. Shouldn't parents do the same? And if the school systems, day-cares, and other child care organizations don't spank, why is spanking alright for the parent to do? I say, let's treat our children with love-- as much love as possible. And let's give them the attention they need-- namely positive attention that let's them know we see what they're doing and care. And I believe you will get the best out of each and every one of them. As far as this judge, I pray he doesn't get re-elected. He presides over child abuse / custody cases and doesn't illustrate clear judgment about these topics as illustrated by this damaging video.

What is Childhood Trauma?

I have always viewed my childhood as 'traumatic' ... not just as a memory but even when the situations where actually happening to me as a young child. I always knew that what was happening wasn't normal, that I was in survival mode, and that I would have some issues to deal with when all the dust settled. I distinctively remember at 12 years old upon the moment of calling the police on my parents for a 'domestic disturbance' (they were physically fighting each other at the front door) that I was thinking, "Deep-six-ing everything in order to get past the moment will result in something coming out later." I could feel in the pit of my stomach, in the depth of my being, that I was getting eaten up by the stress, the drama, and the trauma. I knew that brushing it all aside and moving forward without truly addressing what happened would later haunt my brother and me.

So, for years, I went about life during my parents' long, drawn-out, and viscous divorce which encompassed custody battles, possession wars, and using us kids as pawns (Parental Alienation Syndrome). My parents remarried very shortly (within a year) after the divorce to 'ready made' families, so my brother and I were thrust into these 'ready made' families without having comprehended or adjusted to my parents actually being separated and divorced. The 'ready made' families immediately had riffs, battles, and conflicts, making life even more strained and stressed.

Although my mother will deny that our up-bringing has any effect on our adult life (read Blaming Parents for Our Past), nearly every researcher agrees that early childhood traumas lie at the root of most long-term depression & anxiety, and many emotional and psychological illnesses. Severe traumas can even alter the very chemistry and physiology of the brain itself. I have continually stated that I feel as if my brother's life as a dysfunctional adult is part-and-parcel of his upbringing. My mother and Dad both think that he is solely responsible for his mental state, lack of ability to manage his life, and his depression, lack of motivation, & more.

I wasn't left unscarred from my childhood either. I have battled insomnia during peak times of childhood trauma. I have battled anxiety through out my life, waiting for the next bomb to explode in my family. I have sought acceptance and attention from my parents that I will never achieve in receiving. I have searched, researched, dug, and sought understanding of my past, with which my parents have never assisted (my mother is irrational when speaking of the past, and my Dad 'doesn't remember' because he 'doesn't want to', which neither helps when trying to gain peace with the past).

So what exactly constitutes childhood trauma? Did I actually experience childhood trauma? A seminal 1992 American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) report defines childhood abuse as "a repeated pattern of damaging interactions between parent(s) [or, presumably, other significant adults] and child that becomes typical of the relationship." In addition to physical, sexual and verbal abuse, this can include anything that causes the child to feel worthless, unlovable, insecure, and even endangered, or as if his only value lies in meeting someone else's needs.

Examples cited in the report include:

• "belittling, degrading or ridiculing a child; making him or her feel unsafe [including threat of abandonment]; failing to express affection, caring and love; neglecting mental health, medical or educational needs."
• The AAP also includes parental divorce in the list of potentially harmful events which can traumatize a child.
• Moving home frequently is traumatic for a child (it has been linked to suicide in older children)
• Disruptive home life, including having to adapt to a parent's remarriage and being part of a new blended family (perhaps several in the course of childhood).

Reference: What is Childhood Trauma?

Given the information above, my brother and I indeed experienced childhood trauma, namely (1) the repeated pattern of damaging interactions with my parents, (2) parental divorce, and (3) 'disruptive home life' with having to adapt to a parent's remarriage and being part of a new blended family (two in the course of our childhoods). The results are also blatantly clear with my brother who is very depressed and suffers anxiety with panic attacks.

Not only can these childhood traumas cause depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADD/ADHD, but researchers at the CDC have also found that a traumatic childhood can take 20-years off of one's life. The study, which appeared in the November 2009 issue of the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, is the latest in the ongoing 14-year-old Adverse Childhood Experiences Study. The study involved 17,337 adults who became members of Kaiser Permanente, a health care maintenance organization in San Diego, between 1995 and 1997. After visiting a primary care facility at the HMO, they voluntarily filled out a standard medical questionnaire that included questions about their childhood. The questionnaire asked them about 10 types of child trauma:

• Three types of abuse (sexual, physical and emotional).
• Two types of neglect (physical and emotional).
• Five types of family dysfunction (having a mother who was treated violently, a household member who’s an alcoholic or drug user, who’s been imprisoned, or diagnosed with mental illness, or parents who are separated or divorced).

The researchers found that people with six or more of these types of trauma died nearly 20 years earlier on average than those without — 60.6 years versus 79.1 years. In this particular research, neglect was not included. So, a person who has been emotionally abused, physically neglected and grew up with an alcoholic father who beat up his wife would have an ACE score of 4. The significance of the study is that it supports the previous research — that child trauma is an important public health issue, stated David Brown of the CDC.

Research also shows that if a person has one risk factor, he or she usually has another. So, the researchers asked: if risk factors for disease, disability and early mortality aren’t randomly distributed, what influences their adoption or development? In parallel research, the neuroscience community has found that that trauma alters the function and development of children’s brains and nervous systems. Epigeneticists, who study how a person’s experiences turn their genes off and on, have found that trauma can turn on genes that manufacture the chemical stressors that affect the brain.

Traumatized children become hyper-vigilant, edgy, and impulsive with hot tempers. They are unable to focus on their schoolwork, unable to sit still, and regard social interactions as threats. These behaviors can get them in trouble or suspended, and that can lead to engaging in risky behaviors, such as smoking, drinking too much alcohol, workaholism, eating too much, etc., which can affect their health. Each of those descriptors fits what happened to my brother: hyper-vigilant, edgy, impulsive, hot tempered, unable to focus on schoolwork, couldn't sit still, and engaged in risky behavior (smoking, drinking).

Reference: Traumatic Childhood Takes 20 Years Off Life Expectancy

I still believe that one's personality and genetic make-up have a huge effect on who you develop into as a person. Your perspective in life which leads to how you handle your surroundings, thus your stress levels, greatly impacts your health. I recent dove into that topic of Nature vs Nurture And considering that my brother and I both came from the same parents, with the same childhood trauma, and over the same duration, but we both turned out drastically different gives an indication of personality's effect. Regardless of how we turned out as adults and regardless of my mother's and Dad's perceptions of my brother / my childhoods, we did indeed experience childhood trauma: my brother from 7 years old and onward, and for me from 9 years old and onward.

Surviving Childhood Trauma | Nature versus Nurture

So the other day, I read this piece titled "Children Learn What They Live" which lead into an interesting contemplation about Nature vs Nurture regarding how well an individual adjusts as an adult after a abusive / traumatic childhood. So, what does Nature versus Nurture actually mean? This is an essential issue in developmental psychology and describes the association between innateness and environmental influence in terms of the different aspect of development. This is frequently termed as “nature versus nurture” or nativism versus empiricism. A nativist’s view of development is one that is innate, meaning it is dictated by a person’s genes. From an empiricist perspective, development is acquired through an interaction with the environment. First, here's the piece:



If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

A small discussion that proceed on a social networking site between myself & my friend who is also a mother where you can clearly see the viewpoint fluctuate from nurture versus nature:

• me: Key words are tolerance, encouragement, praise, fairness, security, approval, acceptance, and friendship. May I also add: support (which goes along with encouragement above) and love as additional key words.
• friend: So true and a great reminder of what we provide as an environment to our children makes them the people they will become.
• me: My mother always said that the stuff kids endure during childhood does not have a bearing on who we are as adults. She said that we have a choice as an adult to be whoever, which to an extent is true; however, I do believe that an unhealthy environment has long-term consequences on who we are as people and how we deal with the world around us.
• friend: I do have to agree with your mother also. My childhood was not the best and if I lived by the statistics I should be an abusive alcoholic. But thank goodness I chose in my life to be a much different person. So with that being said you could also say that an environment can have extreme result the other way. We can nurture all we want but in the end our children will decide what type of person they wish to be.
• me: I know of people who came from the same parental / childhood experiences (nurture) and both turned out different. Personality (nature) plays a huge part in the equation, just as you said.

My friend's first comment reflects how nurture influences a child's upbringing whereas her second comment supports how nature takes over in who we are. After this little thread of communication, I started to think once again about the effects of both nurture and nature. Do children learn what they live or live what / who they are? First of all, I think Nature versus Nurture is much to simplistic thinking to what molds a person into who he / she is. I also think that both Nature and Nurture are influential as you can read in my post Blaming Parents for Our Past

How my brother and I have adjusted as adults after having the same upbringing is an interesting little case study. We were raised by the same parents but have starkly different lives. Our parents, an NPD Dad and a BPD mother who had a nasty divorce when I was 12 y/o and my brother 10 y/o, have been conditional with their love, selfish parents, and wielding of guilt. We were latch-key kids, thrust into ready-made families when our parents re-married shortly after their divorce, and basically left to fend on our own as our parents engaged in their new lives with their new spouses. Both parents were very selfish, focusing deeply on their own lives rather than raising their children. Both parents also placed the children into situations where they expect us to chose one parent over the other. Our mother was continuously emotionally abusive and our Dad was continuously selfish, pushing us aside on a whim.

As far as my personality and my brother's: I am optimistic, happy, and motivated; my brother is pessimistic, depressed, and highly unmotivated-- these traits could be seen from an early age. I have always been a high-achiever, one who aims to please, and an organized perfectionist. My brother? The complete opposite.

So where have our lives led us?

• I have a Masters degree; my brother didn't graduate from high-school.
  
• I lived independently as a single business woman until my mid-30's when I eventually got married and had a child.
  
• My brother on the other hand has never lived independently, married young, divorced young, has had four children, and is still struggling to manage his life.

My personality definitely supported me through the abusive, challenging, and tough years. My self-confidence, optimism, and motivation kept me focused on getting an education, realizing the situations were created by my parents (not me), and that life will change (and I can make that change happen). Certainly I was affected by my parents selfishness (I have always sought their approval and love), guilt trips (I have had to overcome feelings of guilt throughout my life, especially inflicted by my parents), anxiety (worry and fear of what they were going to pull out of their hat of tricks next-- what situation will be created that I am the fault of?), and defensiveness (immediately being defensive when my Dad would come at me, which I found out I treated situations outside of my relationship with my Dad the same).

My brother, on the other hand, has always exhibited anger issues, depression, lack of motivation, and a defeatist attitude. Compound this personality with self-absorbed parents and traumatic experiences at a very young age, and this child who was seeking approval, attention, and unconditional love from his parents, spiraled further down into a bad spot. He should have had intensive therapy from a young age but he didn't. Then add the trauma of his parents divorce and the emotional torment of Parental Alienation Syndrome, and you have a nasty mix of bad nature and bad nurture.

I had many talks with my mother about my brother, which she gets very defensive saying she did all she could for him when he was a child. My main point to her is that he desperately needed stability and therapy. Her response is always that the stuff my brother endured in his childhood should not have any bearing on who he is as an adult-- that who he is as an adult is his choice. Well, in my opinion, the situation is not that simple. My brother needed medical attention as a child and didn't get it. The medical attention (therapy) would have provided tools and mechanisms that my brother could have used to manage his life and deal with the idiosyncrasies of family life and more. Additionally, both my Dad and my mother did not offer unconditional love and support for my brother during his teenage years. Rather they cast him aside when his behavior became too tough to handle.

So, on one side you have the biology (nature) of the child: personality, genetic psychological disorders, emotional disorders, and drugs / alcohol effects from the mother's pregnancy. On the other side, you have children effected by nature: emotional & physical abuse, divorce, Parental Alienation Syndrome, being latch-key kids, parents with personality disorders / alcoholism / addictions, and more.

• A child could have positive nature with negative nurture and turn out okay (me).
  
• Or you could have a child with negative nature with negative nurture and turn out not okay (my brother).

Or you could have negative nature with positive nurture and turn out not okay as seen in the case with California case: a few years ago a case in California was a headliner and was profiled on the show "60 Minutes". A teenage boy was adopted as a baby, and his adoptive family was very loving and stable by all accounts. The boy had a happy and normal childhood but, unfortunately, when he was 18 y/o he snapped. He raped and murdered a 7 y/o girl, which completely shocked his adoptive parents. From background research into the boy's biological family, his parents suffered from schizophrenia and other severe psychological disorders. The adoption agency hid this from the adoptive parents. Even the boy admitted in an interview that his upbringing or his parents was optimal and that he just had something wrong with him. He blamed himself 100% for the crime.

Some psychologists agree that Nature and Nurture are both major influences to behavior development. Psychologist Robert Plomin said, "But the genetic influence on traits and behaviors is only partial: Genetics account, on average, for half of the variance of most traits. That means the environment accounts for the rest." Nurturing and our environment can alter the effect of our nature (our genes we inherited) if the influence is strong enough. Nature and Nurture mingle and influence traits of everyone. Our genes are important because what we have inherited is essentially the basis of what kind of person we are, but the environment can alter and develop a person even more.

In my opinion, without positive nature (meaning the child is negatively effected by nature), enduring and coming out okay after negative nurture is going to be a very challenge battle. However, if the child has a positive nature, developing into a productive and well-adjusted adult is less of a challenge. And as you saw in the example of the adopted boy in California, nature has a significant impact even if the nurture was positive.

With as much as my parents think that my brother can just make a choice to turn his life around, I believe his mental illness combined with post-traumatic-stress-disorder from the childhood trauma make managing his own life virtually impossible. And on the flip side, people are always asking me how I came out so well-adjusted, happy, and positive after all the trama I have been through with my parents, and I always answer that I have been happy since birth... and that I thank God for allowing me to know I was not responsible for my parents' actions.