Searching for Answers to WHYs in a Relationship

Searching for answers when a relationship is fractured or broken or has ended is natural. Being hurt or disillusioned, disappointed or rejected are not easy on one's soul or mind, especially when the culprit is your very own parent(s). However, you may never get the answers you are seeking directly from the other person. But I will tell you how you can find the answers to your whys-- read on.

If you are a victim of a a personality disordered individual, is the explanation he/she provides truly the answer? This person has misled you for years--even decades-- down a toxic road of dysfunction and confusion. You are seeking truthful and insightful answers from this person when therapists aren't even successful.

Reading comments such as, "The verbal abuse from my mother has lasted through all the lifetimes. It's still there, tucked away deep inside, it comes out from time to time and haunts me, it still has the ability to make me cry, and although I won't let it rule who I am anymore, I will never get over it and I will always wonder why" is heart-wrenching especially the always wondering WHY.

 

Sadly, often the abuse (whether physical, verbal, emotional) that occurred during childhood via our parent(s) continues into adulthood when the culprit hasn't sought therapy or had consistent therapy. How I was treated as a child was no different when I became a teenager or young adult or adult. My parents are the same people who have not attempted to take accountability for their actions or seek professional help. So although I had questions regarding my child / teen years, I also had just as many into my adulthood since the dysfunction continued. And boy oh boy, thank goodness for the wonderful friends that I have had through the decades who would listen for hours on end about MANY whys and questions. They are partly responsible for keeping me grounded and focused.

Besides finding answers through my friends, I read books like crazy. And when the Internet became more and more of a comprehensive tool, I used it to connect with others like me and to research even further. Then, I started to blog, which allowed me to take all of this information out of my head and put it somewhere else... AND most importantly, help others like me to sort out all of the jumbled mess that happened in the past and create an understanding of it all.

So, I am at peace with the estrangement knowing that no-contact is the healthiest alternative for not only myself but my child and husband too. Part of my being at peace is due to the research that I conducted about personality disorders, communicating with others who have experienced mirror situations, support from friends / family, writing down all my history with accompanying analysis, and more. If you notice, none of my answers have come from my parents.

I count on myself for my happiness, peace of mind, and understanding of this world. If I allowed my parents to dictate each of these elements, I would have been completely misled at a very young age. Consider their actions and how they conducted themselves as not only parents but citizens in their community, I am truly thankful that I developed into the person I am today and very saddened the toll it took on my brother. Also, my parents have never been ones to be transparent and allow for open communication. Both being highly narcissistic, communication is one-sided and all about their perspective. My parents won't even talk about neutral topics such as a simple memory from the past-- my Dad says that he doesn't want to remember the past and my mother distorts and twists the facts.

What I find amusing is that my mother hasn't made one attempt to reach out to me since our estrangement started in July 2004; however, she has not stopped talking to my brother about me. She claims that I am "ignoring" her.  To be ignored, one must create an action to be disregarded. She has not tried to contact me since 2004; therefore, again she's positioning herself as the victim. If I were to try to find answers as to why our relationship is broken by asking her, what type of response do you think I'd get? The answer would be that I am responsible for the estrangement and everything in between.

My mother also says that I am **keeping away** my child from her. Again, she would have to reach out and then I would have to refuse in order to keep away. My mother and I became estranged three (3) years BEFORE my child was born (before I was even married). She has never contacted me about the birth of my child or any time thereafter, and thus, I have never had the opportunity to 'keep away' my child from her. If I were to try to find answers as to why our relationship is broken by asking her, what type of response do you think I'd get? Again, the answer would be that I am responsible for the estrangement and everything in between.

My Dad and I became estranged after he became upset that my husband's family was coming down for Christmas (Last Straw), thus "ruining" his traditional holiday get-together. He also claimed that my husband and I conspired to keep the in-law visit a secret, which we most certainly hadn't. The in-law trip was planned last minute to due a birth and then, very sadly, a death in the family. He cancelled coming over to our house via email and never contact me since. How very narcissistic (heartless and baseless as well) for him to only think of himself as well as to concoct a scenario to solicit sympathy towards himself when others are hurting from a death in the family. Again, if I were to seek any truth into our relationship, my Dad would not be able to provide it. Heck, he can't even talk to me about my childhood without scolding me that it's the past and he wants to forget about it.

But you CAN have your questions answered...

The answers you can get from your abuser are already in front of you:

1. Actions speak louder than words-- and the years of mistreatment, abuse, and more speak volumes in regard to answers as those actions are reprehensible and inexcusable. The patterns of abuse (physical, verbal, emotional) are very similar case-by-case. So finding others who have been through what you have is very cathartic and healing. You can find many answers through researching and communicating. 
2. Find that validity through your enlightened witness, friends, and family who understand what you've gone through. Speak to them regarding their insight, what they witnessed, about the background / history of your parent(s).  
3.  Most importantly, you hold the answers in your heart. You KNOW why the relationship is broken or has ended. The reason for wanting **answers** is to give validity to your feelings and to ease your conscious. Believe in yourself and what you know.

The point with the examples is that when you are in a dysfunctional / abusive /  toxic relationship, finding answers from the origin of the problem is not likely going to happen. And if you do venture to find answers from the other party, you will most likely not find the honest and earnest truth you are seeking. In fact, you will probably feel more disillusioned, confused, and hurt. You are the only person you can control and who can control what you feel-- find the answers within yourself and find peace.

Mean Mothers | Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt

I just finished Peg Streep's book, "Mean Mothers, Overcoming a Legacy of Hurt" and have mixed reviews about its content. Although many profound & poignant passages were contained, much of what she wrote was so generalized and simplified. I think her point at the beginning of the book on page 34 that she's "deliberately excluded stories of mothers who seemed to suffer from a definable mental illness" (which includes personality disorders) was a injustice as a "mean mother" cannot be 'mean' to the extent described without having a mental illness.

Being 'mean' to the point of damaging your child cannot occur without a mental illness. These mean mothers and their problems that are thrust upon their child throughout life are not normal. Even a mother who has bouts of lacking confidence, frustration, insecurity, etc would NOT be 'mean' through an entire child's life. Streep is off-base ignoring the fact that these mothers have mental issues. Yes, she talked about the 'mean mothers' backgrounds or their selfish qualities, but that is not enough-- a mean mother who damages her child has pathological and psychological (mental) issues.

She alludes to "broken" mothers at one point, saying "a healthy mother is wired to respond to the love an infant offers, but if she is broken, she can't always do it, and things get very screwed up." If a mother is "mean" and "broken", can't one conclude that the mother is not of sound mind? Therefore, aren't these mothers who are creating a "legacy of hurt", mothers who are mentally ill ? She also states on page 193 that "if there is a single common attribute to be attributed to the unloving mothers we've met in these pages it's their lack of awareness, their inability to be conscious of the effect and the import of their words and gestures on their daughter's development, and, for most of them, their incapacity or refusal to take responsibility for their actions." First of all, this is not one single common attribute. She listed three; however all three of these qualities relates to low emotional intelligence. Previously, I analyzed The Borderline & Emotional Intelligence as well as The Narcissist & Emotional Intelligence.

Another note is that because she's covering such a broad topic ("mean mothers"), having an account of only a handful of people is not sufficient. If she was covering BPD mothers with a few personal stories, then narcissistic mothers with a few stories, then bipolar mothers with a few stories, then histrionic mothers with a few stories, etc-- each of those few stories would be enough to back up the sub-topic. But having only a few stories to back up the "mean mothers" topic is not sufficient.

Starting around page 50, Streep begins to describe "beyond the mother myths: real women" which from the descriptions that were presented, these mothers appear to be highly narcissistic and witch like. She describes the annoyed and angry mother that is unavailable for her daughter during times of need (sleepless girl: page 51), the controlling mother (forcing naps, what to wear, who to marry: page 53), the lack of an authentic relationship with the mother (fraudulent: pages 54-55), and not allowing affection into the relationship (no hugs: page 63). These mothers are not exhibiting healthy, happy, and respectful behaviors-- they may be real women but they are not normal women. These mothers are exhibiting dysfunctional behaviors typical of mental illness.

Peg Streep didn't allude to if she thought her mother was mentally ill or if her mother had been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but from what Streep described, her mother fit the framework of a not only a narcissist but a borderline mother. She comments about how her mother didn't have "it in her to love, so in the end she lived her life with what she had inside her. I think she was simply an unhappy person all her life, and I was the easiest one for her to take things out on" (page 176). This "unhappy" person could be described as "depressed" , or in other words, experiencing depression (mental disorder).

On another topic, the sections about fathers and then siblings were much too generalized and didn't delve into step & half brothers / sisters, broken families, ready-made families, step fathers, and how the mother chooses / works these fathers pathologically against the children. I have three fathers, each has been used in some shape-or-form by my mother, depending on her agenda. My mother used the first father to escape a living situation. I was born into this escape. Once she was done with him, she married her high-school sweetheart, and father #1 was erased from the photo and baby albums. Then father #2 was attempted to be erased when father #3 came into the picture. Father #2 became what Streep describes on pages 93-94 where he never really asks about my life in any sense, was emotionally unavailable, and showed absolute loyalty to my step-mother. Father #3 was the one described on page 95 who was weak and never stepped in to protect me from my mother's wrath. I found little with which to relate in these father and siblings sections, especially the siblings section where our family was torn-apart and destroyed by divorces, re-marriages, and Parental Alienation Syndrome.

I think if she went more into depth about "overcoming the legacy of hurt" as her title suggests, the book would be more effective. She went into great depth into analysis of the mother due to cultural or generational elements and then covered the siblings & fathers in a very generalized / vanilla approach, and only touching on how to over-come. I would have liked more stories from women who overcame the legacy of hurt... more stories from more women from more varied types of 'mean mother' experiences rather than generalized descriptions of the 'mean mother' herself. She touches on the hole or void that a lack of mother-love leaves again around page 163. I thoroughly enjoyed these passages and her conclusion that "each story of healing is unique, though the broad outlines of daughters' stories often share much in common". That validation-- reading about others who have walked the same path as yourself-- is so very healing and results in such peace-of-mind. This validation is immeasurable.

Another section that covers the ability to overcome the legacy of hurt is when Streep discusses bringing a child into the world. Her words resonated with me as I felt the many feelings she experienced when I had my child. She reiterated what I've had family and friends remind me of my entire life, "you aren't your mother" (page 169). My mother treated me as if I was an extension of herself, and I disliked that VERY MUCH-- so much, that at a very young age, I would ask my grandparents if I was like my mother. And they would very kindly and delicately tell me that I am my own person, distinctive and separate from my mother. Since I had a child, I have always viewed her as her own person as Streep did with hers (page 184), "From the moment she was born, I tried to see my daughter whole-- not as a reflection or an extension of me or my hopes and dreams but herself". I couldn't have said that any better.

Streep chose no-contact with her mother due to her pregnancy, and I applaud her for that as her mother was a 'known danger'. She wanted to "undo what generation after generation of mothers" in her family had done to their daughters. My estrangement (Little Women 2004) happened years before I got pregnant but I did have an epiphany once my child was born where I realized the profound finality of the estrangement as I realized the depth and breadth of what had transpired. I had a baby, my mother was not informed and included with the pregnancy & birth, and I am not allowing my mother to inflict emotional / mental damage to her as she did to my brother & me.

Streep also speaks of how much she loves her daughter and how she thought "my mother must have loved me" (page 170). I never had that thought; however, I contemplated how much I love my child and how much I want her to have the best, experience everything, and be protected / shielded from negative aspects of life... which led me to the thoughts of what my mother put me through and how in the world could she do that to her children! The answer is simple: mental illness. Again, the question of whether Streep's mother was mentally ill, but regardless, Streep cut off contact with her mother and vowed not "make her mistakes". I am not sure that "mistakes" is the correct word for what our mothers put us through. A mistake is more like yelling out of frustration every once in awhile or not being patient with your child during trying times... but for consistent and constant events that ultimately effect the adult child of the mother are more than mere "mistakes".

Streep presents another topic that I want to expand upon on this blog which is how people can't fathom that a mother is **that** bad. Therefore, as a child, people don't realize the abuse (mother is sticky sweet to the public and a witch behind closed doors) and as an adult, people can't imagine the stories are actually not exaggerated or contrived (people feel the mother should be given credit for doing the best she could regardless). Streep talks of how daughters of mean mothers are silenced because of this syndrome, and thus, the "myth of mother love requires the daughter to maintain her silence" page 13. She describes how Diane doesn't feel good talking about her mother because she's afraid people will think she's exaggerating. I completely understand this point, have felt the same way, and empathize with Diane. Streep continues with how "complaining makes me sound crazy or worse". Later in the book, she states that in the court of mother -daughter conflict, it's usually the daughter who is on trial (page 24) and thus an additional reason the daughter is not given the credibility or consideration like the mother. I also agree with that point. The mother is the elder, the mother is the one who is supposed to be nurturing, protective, and maternal, and the child is supposed to be learning from this adult. The burden of proof lies with the child.

I liked how she effectively and efficiently defined and discussed the attachment theory (page 46). I also really enjoyed reading about the EARNED attachment (page 48), which I think defines where I have come from. She describes how making sense of childhood experiences and understanding how those experiences affected development, one can move from an "insecure" to "secure" functioning of the mind. I am able to tell coherent stories of childhood (as evidenced by this blog) and put events into meaningful contexts and to reflect on those experiences (even the negative ones). I have spent decades searching, making sense of, and trying to understand my childhood and beyond. My experiences have made me stronger and made me the person I am today. As Streep concludes on page 198, "If I could speak to my mother one more time, I'd say this: 'You didn't mean to, but you made me stronger and more aware than I might otherwise have been'" which I have the same conclusion with what I have experience with my mother and Dad.

In contrast, my brother's way of dealing with his experiences has not been with trying to understand or come to terms. He has claims not to remember childhood experiences, offers little detail, and has little sense of how the past has contributed to the present (other than to blame and be the victim). He, in turn, has not been successful with relationships, has been clinically depressed, and has struggled through out life. He exhibits insecure attachment which has not been turned into earned attachment.

I would have liked to read more about estrangement and the "taboos associated with cutting off ties to her mother" as Streep mentioned (page 14) but doesn't expand much except with an anecdotal paragraph and a story of Cathy (page 15) who went back to speaking to their mothers after 14 years only to subject herself to the same exact conditions that led to the estrangement in the first place. My 5 year on / off cycles with my mother revealed the same results which ultimately led to the permanent estrangement starting in 2004. She does mention "divorcing" her mother as a "lifesaving strategy" which leads to one of the most heart-felt and chilling statements in the entire book (page 16), "There is always a hole in me that needs to be filled and can't be. Not the love of four kids or my husband of twenty-odd years or my friends fills it. It's always there, like a tear or a hole in fabric. You can put threads in to repair the weave--the threads of other relationships-- but the hole is still there." And thus, the reason I purchased this book.

One of the most powerful moments in the book is when Streep gets the call from her brother that her mother is dying (page 31), the comment from him that he thought she might want to come see her, and the decision Streep makes. I was on the edge of my seat, wondering what decision Streep would make. Recently, my mother has been very ill and heading to kidney failure and possibly a limited life span-- thus these considerations have run through my head. What would I do if I got that call? I haven't seen her in 7 years at this point. Why would we communicate on her death-bed if we don't communicate on a normal day? Why would communicating on her final days change anything that has transpired, the actions she has taken, or the actions I have taken? Ultimately, Streep's decision and her feelings about her decision mirror what I concluded to do. Powerful passages that, as Streep says, "testifies to what can happen when a mother can't love her daughter in the way she needs to be loved" (page 33).

The ending of the book is very strong. She really hits home with a statement after the birth of her child, "my own history didn't disappear, but it did lose its power over me" (page 180). Possibly the fact that she cut her mother out of her life at this same time might have given her this sense of relief? But I do know that being estranged from my mother and then having a child really allowed me to 'see' what is so very precious and important in life. The birth of my child really put life into perspective, allowed me to see my past experiences through different eyes, and permitted me to give someone so much that I never had. Having this unconditional love of a child compounded with the love of my husband allowed me to accept the past, leave the past in the past, and be content with where my life is right this second. Streep states on page 181, "Yet it opens the door for a woman to overcome a bad past or escape the fate of repeating it by way of the psychological work she has accomplished in understanding, putting into perspective, and rendering coherent her past, especially her experience of being mothered. " Amen.

Stress and External Pressures Amplify Personality Disorder Symptoms

Personality disorders exist on a continuum from mild (traits) to more severe (disorders) relative to how prevalent and to what extent the symptoms of the personality disorder are demonstrated. While people can live pretty normal lives with mild personality disorders (or more simply, personality traits), during times of increased stress or external pressures (work, family, a new relationship, etc.), the symptoms of the personality disorder magnify and can seriously interfere with emotional and psychological functioning. Those with a personality disorder possess several distinct psychological features including :

• disturbances in self-image
• inability to have successful interpersonal relationships
• inappropriate range of emotion
• misperceptions of themselves and the world
• difficulty possessing proper impulse control
  

Personality disorders are a group of disorders characterized by pathological trends in personality structure. In other words, on an ordinary day the individual can display a lack of good judgment or poor relationships, accompanied by little anxiety and no personal sense of distress. Imagine how this can intensify during times of stress and pressure? A personality disorder in itself is an inflexible and maladaptive pattern of behavior on an ordinary day; however, in times of increased stress or pressure, that inability to be flexible and adapt is further amplified.

The rigid and on-going patterns of thoughts and actions causes the individual with the personality disorder to become even more rigid and further spiral into dysfunctional, destructive, or delusional patterns of thoughts and actions. Due to the chronic use of inappropriate, stereotyped, and maladaptive coping mechanisms on an average day, increased stress and external pressures can cause even greater inappropriate and maladaptive reactions. These deeply ingrained and inflexible patterns of relating, perceiving and behaving are serious enough to cause distress or impaired functioning on a typical day-- imagine the result when increased stress or external pressure is present? Now imagine if that increased stress or external pressure is long-term?

My parents have personality disorders (mother= Borderline Personality Disorder; Dad = Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I have had periods of time with each that were copacetic and happy. However, their personalities became amplified, challenging to handle, and increasingly dysfunctional during times of increased stress or external pressure. Holidays, birthdays, and major life-changing events like graduations and weddings have also proven to be times when emotional and psychological functioning becomes further impaired; thus, conflict and challenges erupt and escalate.

Increased stress and external pressures directly correlate with flare-ups of my parents' personality disorders. Whether my mother is exhibiting unhealthy emotional and psychological functioning due to my Dad's business trips, parents passing, extramarital affairs and divorce, child leaving for college, or a child getting married -or- my Dad is exhibiting dysfunctional emotional and psychological function during the divorce (use of Parental Alienation Syndrome), retirement, child moving, or child having a baby, each parent became dysfunctional, delusional, and destructive at times. During major holidays and birthdays, their personality disorders flare-up and frequently conflicts, challenges, and maladaptive behaviors are exhibited Let's compare experiences with my parents against personality disorder psychological features listed above with a few examples:

Disturbances in self-image

When my mother gained weight from her illness, she stopped going out of the house (basically hermit-ed herself) saying that she doesn't recognize herself in the mirror, that she can't believe her husband stays with her because she's so ugly and fat, and degrading things about her body, hair, and face. She didn't do anything to assist with feeling better or losing weight, rather she spiraled into a junk food eating frenzy, obsessively online shopping, hording, and sleeping long periods.

My Dad's image is ingrained in his power, or the sense of power he believes he wields. When he retired, that control over others and the environment was decreased, and thus, he started treating his family like his former employees / clients. His self image is greatly rooted in his narcissistic viewpoints of himself, creating a larger than life persona of himself in his mind.

Inability to have successful interpersonal relationships

My mother is estranged from her sister, son, daughter, step-grandmother, and father. Further, she has a group of friends, and then after a period of time, she completely disconnects from that group and reforms a new group, from which she will later disconnect. When she disconnects, typically she has created a reason (imaginary) to be upset with the person, thus the group because she views them as loyal to the person and not her, and she retreats.

My Dad doesn't see his grandchildren from either his son (my brother) or daughter (me). He sends cards and occasionally presents but doesn't invest in formulating meaningful relationships with any of the 5 children. He does, however, have relationships with his two step-grandchildren.

Inappropriate range of emotion

This category is a BIG ONE in regard to my BPD mother. Her inappropriate range of emotion is brought-on predominately by her BPD's fear of abandonment and rejection: (1) when I was a child and my Dad would go on a business trip, prior to the trip my mother would lock herself in her room and cry about how he can't leave (2) when my mother's mother died, my mother locked herself in a dark room and took Valium. She didn't attend the funeral, which included not taking her two children to the funeral (my brother and me) . When my grandfather died, she didn't attend the funeral either-- nor when her grandmother died at 103 years old did she attend her funeral (3) during the divorce from my Dad, my mother was obsessed with hurting my Dad in court and otherwise, later claiming that **he left her ** since he was the one to walk away after she revealed her affair with his friend (4) when I left for college, she blew up when I returned to town and didn't spend time with her one weekend. She instructed me to not come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas then ultimately left all my possessions on the street. We were estranged for almost a half decade thereafter (5) When I announced my engagement, my mother became enraged and said she was out of my wedding (although my fiance and I hadn't even progressed into the planning stage yet!) when I didn't agree with her ideas of how to handle the extended families. We haven't spoken since.

My Dad's inappropriate range of emotion is avoidance (deep-sixing to avoid or controlling to avoid): (1) after my parents announced they were getting a divorce, my Dad took us to see a movie. My Dad continued to use this distraction technique when stressful situations arose. I always found this very strange that when a huge, life changing situation occurs, we go off to see some comedy at the movie theater-- surreal times. (2) My Dad retired around the time I became pregnant and my husband took a new position. My husband's new position paid higher but was approximately 15 minutes further from my Dad's house. My Dad didn't congratulate my husband but became upset and very critical causing a great deal of distension. He continues to gossip to friends / family about my husband's job change to this day. (3) When my newborn baby cried when my Dad held her, my Dad claimed she's not "normal". He carried on about this every time he saw her, exaggerating to friends / family that he hadn't held her since she was 3 months old... then 3 weeks old... then 3 days old.

Misperceptions of themselves and the world

My mother thinks she is the victim at all times. She also champions campaigns of denigration, is a crusader, and a conspiracy theorist trying to uncover the conspiracy. She has gotten high ranked executives fired, thought that my grandfather was murdered, thought that her father-in-law attempted to kill her mother-in-law, went after her sister in regard to the inheritance from their father, and battled my Dad in court for almost a decade. Additionally, she thinks she is socially engaging when she is actually socially inappropriate (vulgar, sexual, intrusive in nature).

My Dad is highly narcissistic and thus thinks he is much more important in situations and relationships than in reality. He loves when people need him (even if those people are actually using him) and loves to be the center of attention.

Difficulty possessing proper impulse control

This category is another big one in regard to my mother. Her actions and words illustrate her lack of impulse control, ranging back to when she was a young girl. She married her 1st husband to get out of living with her parent. She divorced husband #1 when I was a few months old after she had an affair with her high school sweetheart (his man adopted me and became my Dad). My mother had an affair with husband #2 (my Dad) with his best friend and subsequently divorced my Dad to marry husband #3. She jumped from one college to another, never finishing until her 30's. Also, she is a compulsive spender, buying all sorts of unnecessary items and hording. Additionally, she does not screen what she says causing some very awkward and embarrassing times for those around her (which she is clueless).

My Dad clearly exhibited impaired emotional and psychological functioning (controlling, manipulative, brain-washing, utilizing Parental Alienation Syndrome) during the divorce from my mother. The results of PAS have been long term and very damaging to my brother and me. Decades have passed and we are still sorting-out and coming to terms with what happened to us.

These personal examples are only a few and only superficial in detail. Looking back at my life when the distention arose, I can clearly see a pattern where my parents dysfunction was magnified when times were more stressful and with greater external pressure. Holidays and special events always seemed to be riddled with negativity, judgment, and criticism. Happy times often turned sour due to unexpected and sudden shifts in a parent's attitude, perception, or expectations. I remember so many times feeling crushed from wanting to please my parent but only being saddened by their reactions. Now I understand that their ways of handling stress and pressure was not a result of anything I did-- they are accountable and responsible for their actions and reactions. I also realize that if their personality disorders manifest in pathological trends on ordinary day, then the pathological trends are certainly amplified on stressful and pressure filled days / weeks / months-- so I know what to expect to an extent.

If you are involved with a person that has a personality disorder or trait, keep in mind that increased stress or external pressures can intensify the dysfunctional, already impaired behavior. Understanding that the pathological trends can be even further intensified gives you the ability to prepare yourself.