Borderline Personality's Hallmark | Fear of Abandonment and Rejection

The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) individual possesses an intense fear of abandonment that interferes with many aspects of his / her life. The fear often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy as they cling to others, are very needy, feel helpless, and become overly involved and immediately attached. When the fear of abandonment becomes overwhelming, he / she will often push others out of his / her life as if trying to avoid abandonment. The cycle most often continues as the BPD will then try everything to get people back in his / her life and once again becomes clingy, needy, and helpless. The fact that people often do leave the BPD only 'proves' to support the distorted belief that he / she is insignificant, worthless, and unloved. At this point in the cycle, the BPD may exhibit intense and sudden anger, directed both at self and others, as well a difficulty controlling destructive behaviors.

The borderline mother may display dramatic or hysterical behaviors, overreaction to illness and accidents, and dramatic displays of rage or withdrawl. BPD's can self-destruct as a result of fear of abandonment and often use emotional blackmail to control others. Children of BPD mothers often struggle with feelings of shame, anxiety, and guilt. My mother has exhibited all of the above, and as I result I have struggled with anxiety and guilt.

Distinctively I remember several times my BPD mother becoming uncontrollably hysterical in the hospital when I was to leave from visiting. I also remember when my Dad would go on business trips, my mother would become hysterical begging him not to leave her. She also has overreacted to her illnesses through the last two decades, creating a terminal illness situation where she is in dire straits. Yes, she is ill, but not so ill that she can't dust her thimble collection which she had me come over to take care of! And through the years, the mention of my Dad has always thrown her over the edge-- he's been the catalyst of her rage since their separation in 1979. And although the separation and subsequent divorce was between her and my Dad, I have been the recipient of her rage in regard to him. Even the smallest mention of him can send her into a fit of rage. She wields guilt with skillful agility, and she is able to skillfully manipulate your emotions to suit her needs at the time.

My mother and I have been estranged off and on in 5 year cycles for most of my life. During 'good' times, her BPD symptoms consisted of inappropriate social behavior, bouts of depression, impulsive behaviors (shopaholic, over-eating, hording, self-medicating), and unstable patterns of social relationships. During the 1999 - 2004 period, her dysfunctional and critical behaviors were not aimed at me, and therefore, we floated along in a relationship.

I had the opportunity to ask my mother why she became so enraged with the fact that my Dad sent me a box of dishes in 1996-- to the point where she called me a 'bitch' and hung up the phone on me and we didn't talk for almost 4 years. She explained that she wanted to be assured that I could live life without her. She said it was a test. Hmmmmm...

As a side note, I had been living on my own since 1985 (11 years at this point). I don't know why she would feel compelled to see if I could manage without her when I have proven I could live as a single woman for over a decade. If she was wondering if I could emotionally handle living without her, we had already gone that route when I was estranged from her in the 70's and then 80's for periods of time. Her explanation was rather bizarre (there's that word again!) BUT gave me reassurance for what I already knew-- my mother was the driving force behind the explosions of rage, her turn from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, and the estrangements.

The estrangement in the 1980's ended after several years when my mother showed up unannounced at my job. I was flabbergasted when I looked up to see her standing there-- and I didn't want to hear what she had to say. I had made it on my own through college, I secured three jobs, I saved up and purchased a car, and I had my own place that I paid for on my own. I was out on my own and doing well, and I didn't feel comfortable letting her back into my life. I gave her a chance to speak her mind, sitting in my car after I got off of work. She said that she wanted to start repairing our relationship, explained that she got "help", and promised she wouldn't do what she did to me again (she became enraged that I came in town from college for a 24-hour period and didn't see her, stating that I don't love her. She asked me not to come home for Thanksgiving & Christmas and put all of my possessions on the street. I had exams and couldn't pick up my possessions so I had to send friends). I decided to let her back into my life after the talk in the car, and our relationship was okay for a period of time.

Prior to our current estrangement (2004 Little Women), my mother and I were getting along. We visited with each other at least two times a month, I was helping her to get her house organized & cleaned (including her illustrious thimble collection), and we talked on the phone often sharing life experiences. If my mother had remained stable as describe, I could tolerate her quirks and maintain contact. I never thought I had an authentic relationship with her, however, as I had to walk on eggshells around her regarding my Dad, my childhood, and any discussions related to either.

My current estrangement started mid-way through 2004 when she didn't agree with what my then fiance (now husband) and I were discussing in regard to our wedding. We didn't have any wedding plans; in fact, we hadn't even started doing any planning) In my opinion, the estrangement with my mother didn't occur because she blew up about the wedding-- the estrangement occurred because of:

• a complete loss of trust originating from her campaign of denigration (horrible criticisms, lies, exaggerations, and manipulations) against me (Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting her Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and
• how she distorted and manipulated the facts of what happened

If she simply expressed her disagreement with my wedding in a controlled and thoughtful manner, the estrangement may not have happened AT THAT POINT. Now don't get me wrong-- the estrangement would have happened as it's happened about every 5 years. SOMETHING would have set off her fuse and caused a blow up to which she would over-react. But the actual conflict, disagreeing with what I had to say about my wedding, wasn't the cause of the estrangement. The estrangement was caused by all of my mother's behavior THEREAFTER that got worse and worse and more bizarre as days when by. After only 24 hours, my mother had already started talking poorly and spreading lies about me & the situation to whomever she could email. Loving and supportive mothers do not treat their children in this manner.

And therein lies the root of the Borderline's tragic personality-- what drives the Borderline's personality is their real or imagined fear of rejection and / or abandonment. Clearly her cycles of depression, manic, and psychotic phases of BPD are evident through her patterns of estranged relationships: myself, her father, her sister, my brother, her three husbands, circles of friends discarded. So, with the wedding being an event where she perceived a potential abandonment, she flipped the situation to where she claims I rejected her... or as she puts it, I 'kicked' her 'out' of the wedding.

More specifically, Borderlines have such a fear of abandonment that they set-up a situation to be rejected. The BPD turns a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde, seemingly out-of-the blue, around the time that they feel threatened by rejection or abandonment. Along with a huge blow-up that is irrational and not based on reality, the BPD starts a campaign of denigration to turn friends and family against her target of rage (me in this case).

Despite how nonsensical this sounds to you the reader, this behavior is part and parcel of the BPD personality. The BPD is essentially beating the target of rage (me) to the punch by starting a situation that ultimately must end in an estrangement, and in the process attempts to gather the target of rage's (my) friends and family as allies in order to confirm that it's not his / her fault. The Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation accompanied by the campaign of denigration is usually too much for the target of rage (me) to handle; thus the target of rage (me) retreats and the BPD's fears of abandonment come to fruition by all fault of his /her own. The result is an estrangement with the BPD pleading she /he is the victim. The target of rage (me) who went from being idealized to devalued almost instantaneously, is left stunned and puzzled in regard to the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation.

Even in the absence of my wedding, another situation would have certainly presented itself where my mother would have flipped her lid, and the idealization of me would have instantaneously changed to devaluation. This pattern has presented itself in the 70's, 80's, 90's, and 2000's where my mother would flip her lid about petty or minuscule things ending with an estrangement.

Another point is that the incident that initiates the conflict is not what causes the estrangement. What causes the estrangement is my mother's behavior that progressively gets worse and worse thereafter: anger, venom, hatred, manipulations, gossip, and lies. Trust is damaged time and time again-- until the trust is completely lost. This present estrangement, unlike the other 3, is permanent.

The tragic cycle of the BPD:
fear of abandonment and rejection
resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Here We Go Again (1996)

I had such a hard year in 1996. I was working over 100 hours a week at times, and my social life was taking a toll because of it. I was offered a higher paying position half way across the country which would have been excellent move for my career. When I talked to my mother about this, the guilt trip spewed out of her mouth like diarrhea. Phrases such as 'how could you think of moving when your mother is so sick', 'you can't leave me', 'you would actually think of leaving when your mother is going through such a hard time?'. “The other person feels held back, dragged down, or pulled under, in response to the borderline’s message: ‘Don’t leave me.’ Borderlines can self-destruct as a result of their fear of abandonment and often use emotional blackmail to control others. Understandably, children of borderlines struggle to manage feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety, and rage” p 15 Lawson. I couldn't deal with the guilt and being the loyal daughter, I turned down the opportunity. And because I was limited to positions only in the vicinity of my mother, my career growth was drastically hindered.

When I would talk about my exhaustion from the hours I was putting in or the horrible work conditions I endured, my mother would simply say that's what you have to do. If I talked of changing jobs, she would state that running away from the position is not what I should do. She insisted that I should 'stick it out' and that things would turn around. No matter how tough my circumstances, she wouldn't offer any bit of support or encouragement-- just words that made me feel as if I was being a wimp for complaining.

In May of 1996, my great-grandmother passed away. My mother always claimed to be so close to her. My mother martyred herself, claiming that she did so much for her grandmother. My mother talked a big talk but when it came down to it, she didn't go to the funeral of her 104 year old grandmother. She insisted that I go, that I represent the family and sit by the casket, greeting family members. I was completely baffled as to why she didn't want to go. So, off I went to the funeral with my step-father. Getting the time off from my job was close to impossible, but I managed. The funeral was heart-warming and comforting to know that my great-grandmother had planned every last detail. Seeing family members from all over the country was comforting as well. But, I never did understand and never did accept that my mother decided not to go. This action truly shed some serious light on my mother's personality.

During these last two years my mother was taking out everything on my step-father, and honestly I was relieved it wasn't me. She verbally abused him. She talked about him like a dog. She was so rude to him and so hard on him. My step-father is the "Fisherman" who "relinquishes his will to the Witch" p 195 Lawson. The Fisherman is too insecure (in his relationship in this case) to stand up for himself. He even said that he didn't want to endure the lashing he would get if he tried to discuss these issues with her. "Although the Fisherman lives in fear of his wife, he also fears living without her. The Witch meets the emotional needs of the Fisherman who, without her, would feel lost" p 196 Lawson. Anyway, I shouldn't have counted on her isolating her abuse to just her husband. In an earlier post, I mentioned how my mother and I never talked about my Dad because he was such a sore subject, and she would turn into a different person if the topic were approached.

One day I was on the phone with her (in December of 1996) when the doorbell rang. The UPS man handed me a package, and as I opened it, I innocently described the contents. Strangely enough, my Dad had sent me some things he thought I might have as he moved to his new house. I hadn't talked to him for over two years so this package was surprise. My mother instantly started to get more and more intense. The contents were actually dishes from a mutual friend of theirs who passed away back in the early 1980's. During the divorce, this friend had taken my Dad's side, which infuriated my mother. At any rate, when she passed away, my Dad apparently ended up with her dishes, and when he moved over a decade later, he thought I'd like to have them, along with some other possessions of hers.

My mother FLIPPED out. She thought my Dad was being manipulative. She couldn't believe the audacity of him sending me these dishes. She was appalled that he would send me these things. All the time, I kept asking her if she was serious. I couldn't believe how emotional she got over me receiving DISHES in the mail, from a friend who had died over a decade ago, sent by my Dad who I hadn't talked to in over two years. My mother continued on her raging rampage, and I ended up saying that she needed to let all the hate and anger leave, that the divorce was over 16 years ago. That was the point where she turned all the anger at me, told me that I had no idea what I was talking about, and said that she couldn't believe that I was defending my Dad after all he did to me and to her. She also said that she was glad that my last name is Smith (remember when she said that to me in 1983!?) and hung up on me. See subsequent blog post: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome

A few days later, I called to wish my step-father a Happy Birthday from work. We were talking some small talk when my mother took the phone from him. She told me I was a bitch and hung the phone up. We didn't talk again for years.