Gaslighting and Campaigns of Denigration | The Borderline Mother

Gaslighting is the denial that certain events occurred or that certain things were said when you know differently and the denial of your perceptions, memory and very sanity. Gaslighting is one of the most sinister, sadistic, horrible, and effective forms of emotional and psychological abuse. Gaslighting can make the victim feel as if she's going crazy. If perceptions of reality are constantly denied, and above all denied by your mother (the person you admire the most and think is omniscient), the result is very confusing and destructive. 

So how did the term gaslighting come to fruition? The phrase comes from the 1940's film "Gaslight", in which an abusive husband dims the gaslights in the house. Then, when his wife questions if the lights have been dimmed, he responds that she's imagining the dimming. The husband is driving the wife crazy, literally, by not validating the wife's reality. 

The dimming gaslight is the perfect metaphor for the experience of living with someone with BPD. They may appear completely 'normal' and may often have the ability to act “as if” he or she has no problems. In fact, many people with BPD become professional actors. The “as if” ability of people with BPD can be particularly devastating to those who love them.(from Grief to Advocacy: A Mother’s Odyssey)

The gaslighting mother will construct fantasies of your emotional pathologies:

1. Making you look crazy: She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about or that she has no idea what you’re talking about. She doesn't remember significant events, flatly denies happenings, and won't admit perhaps she may have forgotten. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up losing confidence in your intuition, memory, or reasoning powers.
2. Preserving Perception of Self: Gaslighting can be inflicted to preserve the BPD mother's narcissistic view of herself as 'perfect'. BPD's gaslight routinely by insinuating or directly stating that you are unstable (or else you wouldn't think so preposterously). You may be told you are over-sensitive, imagining, unreasonable, irrational, and over-reacting.
3. Denying Your Right to Be Upset: Another form of gaslighting is the denial of your right to be upset. In this case the BPD might accept that the situation happened but invalidates you by fervently denying that there was anything problematic about it or any valid reason to get upset. 

Ultimately, she’ll present her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood.  She protests that she didn't do anything and has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her. She protests that you’ve hurt her terribly but loves you very much. She claims she would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn’t know what to do. She'll tell others that you keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.

What's the result? She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious hostility towards her, implied that it’s something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners.

She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.  

The following are 15 common symptoms of gaslighting abuse and manipulation:

1. Constantly second-guessing yourself.
2. Wondering, “Am I being too sensitive?” more than ten times a day
3. Frequently wondering if you are a “good enough” girlfriend / wife / employee / friend / daughter.
4. Having trouble making simple decisions.
5. Thinking twice before bringing up innocent topics of conversation.
6. Frequently making excuses for the BPD's behavior to friends and family.
7. Before the BPD comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong.
8. Thinking about what the BPD would like instead of what would make you feel great.
9. Actually starting to enjoy the constant criticism, because you think, “What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.”
10. Starting to speak to the BPD through someone else so you don’t have to tell him / her things you’re afraid might upset  him / her.
11. Starting to lie to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
12. Feeling as though you can’t do anything right.
13. Frequently wondering if you’re good enough for the BPD.
14. Your kids start trying to protect you from being humiliated by your BPD partner.
15. You feel hopeless and joyless.

The outcome from this blog and researching 'gaslighting' presented a very interesting result. My Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Dad adeptly used gaslighting through my childhood and into my adulthood. When I went through the 15 point checklist above, I could really see the damage that he was inflicting. We are now estranged as I couldn't handle the way that he was treating my child, my husband, and me. However, this exercise made his emotional abuse even more clear to me. 

I second-guessed myself constantly, analyzing interactions with my Dad to the tiniest details. I also always felt as if I was too sensitive to our interactions... as I always left feeling rejected, dejected, and ignored. Because I was always pushed aside by him for my step-sister, I wondered what draws him to her (or away from me). I know that his wife (my step-mother) has incredible power over him that he intentionally ignores me and pays more attention to my step-sister BUT the reality still stings. I have been careful of bringing up simple conversations-- and even if I carefully asked him about the past or incidents from childhood, he would respond curtly, "I don't remember because I CHOSE not to remember." I never got to the the point that the 15 point checklist illustrates (feeling hopeless, joyless, etc) as I removed myself from the situation.... but I can certainly see the damage that my Dad could cause (and has caused with my brother). 

If you realize that the BPD in your life is engaging in gaslighting against you, this is often a good clue that she is running a distortion campaign of denigration against you (another form of covert abuse). In regard to my BPD mother, this is the case. After all, if they have you confused about your own experiences, they will likely have a much easier time misleading others to believe inaccurate negative misinformation about you.

The BPD's intent is to destroy the target’s reputation and thereby destroy the target’s relationships with family and friends, employers, co-workers, and others. As with so many things involving BPD's and their typical inability to understand or respect boundaries (so descriptive of my mother!), no limits exist. The BPD uses any method to cause damage to their target: denigration, endless disparaging remarks, fabrication, false accusations, and even teaching others to lie on their behalf as part of their vilification campaign:

1. For instance, when I was a teenager going off to college, she got upset at me for coming into town and not contacting her. Her response was to tell me to not come home the following weekend. Shortly thereafter, she told me not to come home for Thanksgiving... and then not to come home for Christmas. Shortly after these statements, she put all of my belongings on the street. From there she started to spread rumors and blow the entire event out of proportion-- none of which had anything to do with the initial disagreement (that she was hurt when I came into town and didn't contact her). We remained estranged for almost 5 years.  
2. Another instance was when I received a box of dishes from my Dad which my mother perceived as a betrayal to her (I had no idea I was getting these dishes from my Dad who I wasn't in contact with at the time). She went from being upset saying that she can't believe I would accept the dishes after all that my Dad put her through with the divorce (17 years earlier) to the next day she told me I was a bitch and hung up the phone on me. From there the increasingly hurtful and untrue rumors started again which had nothing to do with my Dad sending me dishes. We remained estranged for almost 5 years.
3. Another incident, which led to the last estrangement was my engagement to my fiance. She pressed me for information regarding my wedding, which I had no plans. Ultimately, I told her we would have two ceremonies with which she didn't approve and declared she was out of the wedding. She proceeded with a campaign of denigration against me, saying increasingly horrible things to my friends, colleagues, and future in-laws which had nothing to do with the initial conflict between my mother and me (that she didn't agree with the consideration of having 2 ceremonies). We remain estranged.

With my mother, to preserve her view as a 'perfect mother' she would push me away-- in estrangement-- then make up narratives about me to support how she is the perfect mother, the loving & concerned mother, and how I ripped her heart out.

In summary, gaslighting and campaigns of denigration are covert forms of emotional abuse. One results in the victims doubting their perceptions of reality, and the other turns people against the victim. When perceptions of reality are doubted, the gaslighter is able to control the victim as the victim becomes completely dependent on the gaslighter 'for the "truth'.  And campaigns of denigration can destroy the victim's life and damage people around the BPD. If you think you are the victim of gaslighting or campaigns of denigration, please seek professional assistance.

Who Dunnit!?!? (1980)

"Divorces between Kings and Queens inevitably pull children in half,
tearing their love and loyalty to their parents apart"
Christine Ann Lawson

So, Dad wants us to move in with him; my mother wants us to live with her while she starts a new life with her new boyfriend (my Dad's best friend-- well, ex-best friend). Dad was miserable and seeing him like that was hard to bear. My mother seemed to enjoy her new found freedom and that was hard to bear too.

One day I got home from school. My mother and brother were in an argument. The argument continued, and she demanded him to go outside. For a brief moment, I couldn't see them as no windows were on that side, but I heard a scuffle, a yell, and more screaming. By the time I saw them again, they were on the back patio with my brother breaking free from her, running inside with his hand on his face. He was yelling that she hit him and knocked his tooth out. And sure enough, he pulled his hand away, and he had a bloody mouth with a tooth missing. I about flipped out. What the heck is going on!?

I immediately thought that I should remove him from the situation, so we got on our bikes and went to the neighbor's house. We let them know what transpired, and then we rode up to Dad's apartment where he met us there (the neighbors called him at work). My brother was taken to a dentist who informed my Dad that the tooth had to have been knocked out by force as it was not a baby tooth that could have been "pulled out" as it wasn't ready to be lost. Dad had the private detective take pictures of the missing tooth, my brother's face, and the tooth itself. At this point, my Dad had us so scared of our mother that we had no intentions of going back to the house with her.

My mother claims that she never struck my brother. My brother testifies that she did. My mother never spanked us, never hit us, and never laid a hand on us ever in the past. My brother had a history of pulling out baby teeth when they were just a little bit lose to be able to get some money from the Tooth Fairy. The dentist said that the tooth was not able to be pulled out by hand-- especially in that minimal amount of time. I don't know. I don't want to think that either of these people had it in their power to do either thing-- my mother to hit a tooth out, my brother to extract a tooth.

We stayed at my Dad's apartment, and without any spare clothes except what was on our backs, our Dad took us to a family friend's house who had some clothes up in their attic for us to wear. The situation was very stressful-- thinking of our mother sitting at home, alone, and missing us. Not having the comforts of our own clothes and things. Being in a completely uncomfortable situation where we didn't know what was lying ahead.

The time was around the holidays, and after staying at my Dad's apartment for a while, we were supposed to go to decorate a Christmas tree with our mother at the house. After talking to our Dad about it, and him stressing that we didn't have to go if we didn't want (after all she was violent to my brother, and after all she created this whole mess, he reminded us), we decided not to go to visit our mother. I don't remember who called her (I think my Dad did) but I do remember it was dark outside, and I was left with this empty feeling in my stomach. A deep pit, hallow and sad.

I was terribly conflicted as to what was going on. I didn't feel that either parent should be chosen over the other. They are my parents. How can you choose one parent over another? And no matter what you do, you hurt someone (see subsequent blog entry: Adult Child of Parental Alienation). After all if I had chosen to leave to decorate that tree with my mother, my Dad would have felt betrayed. He definitely made it clear that there were sides to be picked. I couldn't win. I was feeling ripped in half. And being on 12 years old, this was a TOUGH pill to swallow... I can only imagine what my 10 year old brother felt.

My mother disappeared after this. My Dad played it up that he tried to find her but couldn't. My mind would wander as to where she was, what she was doing, how sad she must be. Less than a month earlier, I was having the same thoughts about my Dad-- my mind wandering back then as to him alone in his apartment, visualizing his tears when picking me up on the way to school, and being alone without his kids. All of this was splitting me in half.

One day Dad got a call from a neighbor near my mother's house saying there was a U-Haul in the driveway. Bring on the craziness. Dad took my brother and me to a friend's house near my mother's house, and he told us that he wouldn't let our mother take our things-- that he would stop her. He then got together the neighbors together at different look-outs and spots around the neighborhood. Some had walkie-talkies and would report what she was doing.

My mother was packing up her things to move. Her boyfriend was with her too. Dad went to confront them, and he reported back to my brother and me that the boyfriend (his ex-best friend) pulled a gun on him. My brother and I were petrified. Once my mother left with the U-Haul, my Dad reportedly inspected the house. He took my brother and me down to the house to show us all that my mother purported did. Dad even went to the extent to show us the empty cabinets. "Look, she even took the TOILET PAPER", I remember him telling us. He showed us windows that were smashed in and the disarray in our house. One question that has never been answered is why would my mother (who has a key) smash the windows? My mother says that my Dad broke a window to get in, and then to make the scene look more dramatic and scary, he broke more windows. I don't' know, but NONE of it makes sense-- and all was very scary to two little kids.