Effects of a Borderline Personality Disorder Mother on Her Children

So what is your diagnosis? It is impossible for you to have been raised by and been witness to such disorder and not be affected yourself. Have you been honest and written an article about your diagnosis and treatment, or do you consider yourself not disordered in any way and somehow just rattled by it all and not ill yourself? What is your cluster and are you honest about it?

That excerpt was from an email that I received. I don’t know if the nature of the email was sincere or confrontational; however, I thought covering the topic provides value for those attempting to climb out of the trenches of their own personal war. As I have stated before, adult children of BPDs are *war veterans* in every sense of the word, and your psychic landscape no doubt looks something like what's left after a bombing attack.

Through the last 5 years of writing this blog, I have covered the effects of my upbringing and parental relationships. I always searched for my part in the relationship's challenges-- as every relationship takes two. I would analyze and dig deeply to assess my accountability in the estrangements. And time and time again, I was never angry or resentful or even bitter-- always sad that broken relationships surrounded my family. I also wished that our family could be a happy family that shared in successes and supported during failures. But most importantly, I always accepted that these were the cards that I was dealt, and I would manage them to the best of my abilities. 

Parents are the people we look to nurture us and keep us safe. When a parent abuses a child,  the  impact is life-long. My childhood was very confusing, very destructive, and very tormenting. My childhood left my brother and me treated carelessly, with conditions on love, and orphaned. And I think dealing with the emotions, feelings, and memories is crucial to being a healthy, happy, and productive adult. I thoroughly believe that our choices are guided by our internal subconscious shaped by our past experiences. And that internal subconscious can be a positive or negative force depending on the presence, amount, and condition of the scars.

Before we delve into the effects of the relationship with my BPD mother on me, the following are the four BDP mother categories and effects on their child(ren): 

The Witch

• Children live in terror of BPD Witches' capricious moods; they are the "collateral damage" of a secret war they did not start, do not understand, and cannot control.

• Attacks are random, intense, and cruel. Children automatically think they're at fault and can become shamed, depressed, insecure, dissociative, and hypervigilant.

•  As adults they may have multiple difficulties with self, relationships, physical illness, and even post traumatic stress disorder.

 

The Queen

• To the BPD Queen, children are a built-in audience expected to give love, attention and support when the BPD Queen needs it. Children feel confused and betrayed when their normal behavior is sometimes punished (according to the BPD Queen's needs of the moment). 

• As kids grow, conflict with the BPD Queen increases. Underneath, these kids long for approval, recognition, consistency, and to be loved unconditionally for who they are, not what they achieve.

The Waif

• They feel angry, afraid and alone.

• Children may feel like failures for not making the BPD happy, or they may keep trying and trying until the mother's death. This enmeshment (inability to separate) may hinder grown child's relationships, which may be fraught with dependency.

• The child may become cynical, angry, and feel manipulated or turn into over-responsible nursemaids seeking elusive approval.

• The message to children is that life is something to be endured until you die.

• The BPD shelters children to such an extent they find autonomy disconcerting.

The Hermit

• During adulthood, they suffer from many maladies stemming from trapped feelings such as panic attacks or phobias.

• Children not encouraged to explore and learn can become anxious when faced with new situations. They may not learn appropriate coping skills, give up control too easily, have a hard time trusting, and be less capable of naturally moving away from the parent.

My mother is the "Borderline Queen Witch" who married the "Narcissistic King". Borderline mothers are make-believe mothers living in darkness needing the rescuer husband. In particular, my borderline mother is characterized as the Queen, and the 'darkness' that lies within the borderline Queen is 'emptiness'. "Her inner experience is deprivation and her behavior evokes compliance. She is demanding and flamboyant and may intimidate others. The Queen feels entitled to exploit others and can be vindictive and greedy. The Queen's emotional message to her children is: Life is 'all about me'" p 38 Lawson. The Witch hides within my mother as a "temporary ego-state", and makes appearances at times quite frequently but can hide for periods of time. The Witch's darkness is annihilating rage with the message to her children: 'life is war'. 

I have worked very hard over the decades to be a healthy and happy individual, at peace with life, as well as productive and prosperous. Through an open mind and an open heart, I have been successful. I have seen psychiatrists from childhood onward, and I have never received a diagnosis of a psychological disorder (a psychological disorder, also known as a mental disorder, is a pattern of behavioral or psychological symptoms that impact multiple life areas and/or create distress for the person experiencing these symptoms). Although I have not had a formal diagnosis of a disorder, I have had issues to work-out and resolve.

I am very thankful for the wonderful friends that I have had through the decades who would listen for hours on end about MANY whys and questions. They are partly responsible for keeping me grounded and focused.  Besides finding answers through my friends, I have read books like crazy. And when the Internet became more and more of a comprehensive tool, I have used it to connect with others like me and to research even further. Then, I started to blog, which allowed me to take all of this information out of my head and put it somewhere else... AND most importantly, help others like me to sort out all of the jumbled mess that happened in the past and create an understanding of it all. Ultimately, no-contact was the healthiest alternative for not only myself but my child and husband too. 

Part of my being at peace and being able to overcome the effects of a BPD mother is due to the research that I conducted about personality disorders, communicating with others who have experienced mirror situations, support from friends / family, writing down all my history with accompanying analysis, and more. I count on myself for my happiness, peace of mind, and understanding of this world.

The following are the effects of the BPD / NPD dysfunctional toxicity on me, which some are still present (hyperawareness for example) but some have been overcome (insomnia for example): 

Hyperawareness

With the survivors of trauma and abuse, this hyperawareness is a defense mechanism. "A nearly universal characteristic of survivors is excessive emotional hypersensitivity... hyperawareness of body language, moods, and 'the meanings behind the words' is a highly functional defense mechanism" p 166 Evans / Sullivan. In regard to the BPD parent:

• One must be on defense for the next attack, so keeping a vigilant eye on her behavior is vital: She has that look in her eye again; I need to stay away. Her body language is saying she's in a 'witch' mood, I better hide. She is becoming more and more aggressive with her language today; she is probably going to verbally attack me today.  

• Trying to sort-out the confusing and twisted behavior creates a need to collect as much information as possible to try to figure out her behavior (past, present, future). Seemingly, every action or word spoken is another piece of the puzzle.

With these observations of body language, eye contact, verbal communication, many times the child of the BPD questions their own perception of that is transpiring. Is the BPD really that bad? Perhaps the meaning behind the actions / words is being misread? Maybe the BPD doesn't really mean to act or say those things, and maybe I am the one who has the problem? "Children of borderlines may spend their entire lives trying to understand their mother and themselves. They are preoccupied with sorting out the meanings of interactions, studying their own perceptions, and questioning the intentions of others" Lawson p 302

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2012/03/hyperawareness-defense-mechanism-then.html

Fight or Flight

I am generally a calm, cool, and collected person BUT whenever I have a potential confrontation, actual confrontation, or cause of concern related to my parents, my body immediately reacts. I get shaky, I feel sick to my stomach, I get out-of-breath, and my mind runs a million miles an hour. After decades of ...

• wondering when the next blow-up is going to happen or 

• what I am going to be falsely accused of next or 

• what is being fabricated about me now or

• having my parent(s) confront me with the next "we have to sit down an talk" scenario

... my body is sent into a tail-spin when my parents are discussed relative to me. This 'tail-spin' is fight-or-flight which is defined as the set of processes that occur in the body when it is confronted with some form of physical or mental stress. The nervous system signals for adrenaline and other hormones to be released into the blood which prepare the body either to confront or flee (thus, “fight or flight”). Changes in the body include increased heart rate, dilated pupils of the eye (to improve vision), and increased supply of blood to the muscles (to prepare the body for action).

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2012/03/fight-or-flight-with-parental.html

Insomnia

Growing up in an environment with a borderline personality mother and a malignantly narcissistic Dad compounded by a period of simultaneous major-life-stessors (moving, death of grandmother, death of grandfather, parental divorce, parents remarrying), I developed several symptoms of stress. Insomnia was one of the resulting symptoms, which when your sense of safety and trust are shattered, having difficulty falling asleep is a normal reaction to abnormal events.

I can remember the EXACT night that the insomnia started in 1977 when I was 9 years old. Most anxious children do not have a specific event that triggered their anxiety, but some do. Certainly some situations can be anxiety producing, especially those that disrupt the child's sense of structure and order in their world (parental divorce, deaths in the family, trauma, moves) WorryWiseKids.org

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/childhood-insomnia-resulting-from.html

Mental Scars

A seminal 1992 American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) report defines childhood abuse as "a repeated pattern of damaging interactions between parent(s) [or, presumably, other significant adults] and child that becomes typical of the relationship." In addition to physical, sexual and verbal abuse, this can include anything that causes the child to feel worthless, unlovable, insecure, and even endangered, or as if his only value lies in meeting someone else's needs.

I wasn't left unscarred from my childhood trauma. I have battled insomnia during peak times of childhood trauma. I have battled anxiety throughout my life, waiting for the next bomb to explode in my family. I have sought acceptance and attention from my parents that I will never achieve in receiving. I have searched, researched, dug, and sought understanding of my past, with which my parents have never assisted (my mother is irrational when speaking of the past, and my Dad 'doesn't remember' because he 'doesn't want to', which neither helps when trying to gain peace with the past).

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2010/12/what-is-childhood-trauma.html

Toxic Guilt and Anxiety

Guilt trips are a very powerful tool, and I had a challenge with guilt trips and toxic guilt from my parents for many decades. In addition to the guilt, I started to have symptoms of anxiety starting in the mid-late 1990's. I believe the anxiety is a result from the long-term guilt I was experiencing compounded by the post traumatic stress that I experienced from the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and emotional abuse from my parents' personality disorders.

When you're brought up in an environment where you have been unfairly blamed for the wrongs of others, emotionally abused, or pitted against one parent by the other, the adult child may not have the ability to stop feeling guilty-- this is toxic guilt. Absorbing feelings of guilt, accepting blame, and being passive contribute to the guilty feelings. This early pattern of accepting other's guilt creates difficulty with stopping feelings of guilt about the past.

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/08/childhood-passport-filled-with-toxic.html

Loneliness

Through the years I have felt like something is missing. I felt like I have been searching for something from my mother and Dad-- some sort of answer. And recently I had an epiphany: I don't feel like I belong to a family. I feel like I am an adult orphan. Prior to my parent's separation (You Dropped a Bomb on Me), I felt like I belonged to a family: my Dad, mother, brother, and me. Additionally, I had a deep relationship with my maternal grandparents, which both passed away (1977, 1977). Shortly after the announcement of my parent's separation (1979), that feeling of belonging started to erode away. I haven't been able to put my finger on the feeling until just the other day when I was looking at my daughter and feeling such pure love and joy looking in her eyes-- I belong with her & my husband, she & my husband belong with me, I have family across the country is very loving & supportive- we are a family, and I belong. I haven't had that since I was 11 years old.

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/08/not-feeling-like-i-belong-to-family.html

Shame

As an adult child of two parents with personality disorders, I knew when the abuse was actually going on that some after-effects would be experienced later in life. Although I was able to endure the abuse, I knew I deep-sixed some of the feelings. I remember thanking God for giving me a head on my shoulders to know that the abuse was my parents doing-- that what I was going through was a product of their manufacturing. Even so, I knew that somewhere down the line, feelings or results could emerge. Both my BPD mother and NPD father wielded shame well with their emotional abuse, and I exhibit residual effects from the abuse I endure from my BPD mother and NPD father. 

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/03/understanding-my-borderline-mother.html

If you are an adult child of a BPD mother, what are some of the effects you have experienced? What have done to over-come these effects? 

Feeling Like I Don't Belong to a Family

So through the years I have felt like something is missing. I felt like I have been searching for something from my mother and Dad-- some sort of answer. And recently I had an epiphany: I don't feel like I belong to a family. I feel like I am an adult orphan. Prior to my parent's separation (You Dropped a Bomb on Me), I felt like I belonged to a family: my Dad, mother, brother, and me. Additionally, I had a deep relationship with my maternal grandparents, which both passed away (1977, 1977). Shortly after the announcement of my parent's separation (1979), that feeling of belonging started to erode away.

Before my grandparents' passing (Fly to the Angels), I was my happiest when I was with them. I had some of the best childhood memories with them, and I still carry their love with me to this day. I always was so upset to part from them. I would choke back the tears and try to hide how very upset I was to say 'goodbye'. I remember this happening every time one of our visits ended, and I have never understood why (they were about a 2 hour drive away). I have my suspicions why, however.

I was born to my 'birth' father. When I was a baby (only months old), my birth father gave up his rights and allowed my mother's new husband (her high school sweetheart) to adopt me. My birth father's mother & father were told to say goodbye to me as they were never to see me again. Somewhere during this time, my mother lived with her parents, where my grandparents took on a very emotional & parental role in raising me. I apparently called my Grandfather 'Dada' and he loved me with all his heart. When my mother married my Dad, they moved me about 1,000 miles away. I was told that my Grandfather was very torn-up about me moving away, and I know how much I adored him, so I am sure I was upset too.

With these two events happening in such proximity in my first two years of life, one would have to surmise that the separations had to have an impact on me. Attachment for security and safety reasons is occurring in infants and toddlers during these times, and possibly I had some residual effects from being separated from three very important people in my life.

Years later, my parents moved me (and my newborn brother) back to the same state as my grandparents. As I said earlier, I had a very strong connection with them until they passed when I was around 11 years old. A year after they passed away, my parents separated. In such a short period of time, I lost my beloved grandparents and my parents divorced. A divorce is not necessarily a damaging or traumatic event for a child if handled responsibly, lovingly, and with consideration of the children. My parents did not do any of the sort, which given that they are the personality types that are seen in courts battling for years and years, their negatively toxic and dysfunctional behavior follows suit (Narcissistic Borderline Couples: mother = Borderline Personality Disorder; Dad = Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

During the separation & divorce, my parents used brainwashing and alienation in an attempt to distance us from the other parent. My Dad was the first to use this parental alienation-- and was very adept at wielding the guilt and scare tactics. He successfully made us scared of our mother, and eventually, we moved in with him. The Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) was so damaging that my brother and I have taken decades to sort out what actually happened to us during this period of our lives.

When I went to visit my mother at her apartment, she instigated getting me in touch with my birth father (another attempt to hurt & alienate my Dad). I felt like an outsider, looking in at the father that could have been-- the father that allowed me to be adopted by another man and never having contact with me ever again. I have always felt like this relationship was decided when I was an innocent little baby-- the man that was my birth father disowned me. Why my mother wanted (and still to the last time I spoke to her in 2004) me to pursue a relationship with this man other than to hurt my Dad is beyond me-- possibly to right her wrongs? Possibly because she threatened him in some shape or form so that he would go away for good? What kind of man is that... who would leave his new daughter to another man!?!? Evidently, I didn't belong with him or his family.

Shortly after the divorce, my mother remarried my Dad's friend who had two children (one the same age me and one the same age as my brother) and then my Dad remarried a lady with two children (5 and 7 years younger than me). Two "ready made" families in a short time was a difficult adjustment (one + one = three more). My brother and I barely had time to digest our grandparents' deaths, much less the separation & divorce-- and much less the needs, wants, and expectations of all the players in these newly formed families.

My Dad's attention sharply turned to his new wife's needs, and from my point-of-view, he turned his back to my brother and me. The needs of my stepmother and her two kids (mostly her youngest, a girl) took precedence over my brother and my needs. I felt like an outcast in my own home-- and I eventually moved in with my mother (Moving on Over). My brother followed suit shortly thereafter.

In my mother's home, we were constantly having to pay the price for "choosing" my Dad over her (Run Forrest Run). She emphasized how much hurt she endured when we were living with my Dad, how we crushed her heart. She was mad at us kids, not accounting for the fact that we made our decisions as CHILDREN and were emotionally abused by our Dad. I again felt like an outcast in my own home-- not feeling like I fit in. I was the step-child of my step-father. When we went over to my step-father's mother's house, I was a step-grandchild. And above all, I didn't feel like I had a authentic and real relationship with my mother. I felt like all she was attempting to do was get back at my Dad by using my brother and me as tools to hurt and alienate him.

Throughout my 20's and 30's, if I had a relationship with one parent, I didn't have a relationship with the other. My Dad came up to one of my jobs in the late 1980's telling me that if I reconciled with my mother that he would disown me. He also told me on occasion that if my mother "died tomorrow" that he "wouldn't shed a tear". The parental alienation continued from childhood and teenage years into adulthood! And no matter how I tried to create meaningful and unconditional loving relationships with either parent, I was constantly left feeling empty and dejected. With both parents, I don't feel like I belong. "Children of divorce spend a lifetime, not just a childhood, negotiating the widely divergent worlds of each parent, a task that is emotionally exhausting and leaves the child feeling like that football—flying free, with no clear sense of belonging in either world. " Elizabeth Marquardt

If I was with my mother, she would constantly remind me that she is the "only one" that I have-- that my birth father and Dad wouldn't "take care" of me. I have been independent since I left for college-- why do I need to be taken care of? Just another attempt by my mother to alienate me further from both men and illustrating how the fear of rejection and abandonment define Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Another interesting point is that my mother would make comments that my brother is "only" a "half brother" (note that the fact I had a different father was buried for as long as I can remember, but once the information could be used by my mother for her gain, she spilled it out there). As a result, I would get upset and mad at my mother. Why would she purposely want to belittle my relationship with my brother? I believe she further wanted to reinforce that she is the only one I have, like I mentioned above. Whatever the reason for her comments, I now know why the comments would upset me so-- I felt a strong bond with my brother. I felt a belonging with my brother. No matter what happened with my parents, no matter what was the status of my relationship with them, I had my brother. So when my mother made attempts to take that last bond of our intermediate family away from me, I reacted.

If I was with my father, he never had time for me-- no simple conversations of how my life is going, no concern over how my jobs are progressing, no getting to know who I am. He has forgotten my birthday year after year. Whenever visiting at his house, I always felt like an outsider looking in-- I didn't feel included, I was criticized, and I was judged. He walks away mid-conversation; he interrupts to tell an unrelated story; he doesn't care. He is a true narcissist in that he caters to the ones who 'need' him and stroke his ego. Even in a house full of children that are his step-children or children of friends, I am treated lower than the rest-- invisible.

I would always leave his house disappointed and heartbroken as I always maintained high hopes of building a meaningful relationship with him like when my parents separated. The funny thing is that my brother and I have been searching for' that' Dad for decades. We haven't found him or that relationship again because it didn't exist. 'That' Dad was a fake relationship derived from manipulations and brain-washing of PAS. And once the outcome was in his favor (custody of the two kids) and he was remarried with a new family, the Dad that we knew during those divorce times was gone.

Recently I had the opportunity to spend some time with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. I searched for my aunt for almost a decade (my mother's sister that my mother has been estranged from for 25+ years but maintained contact with my Dad), later finding out that my Dad did know how to contact my aunt but hid the information from me. During the time with my aunt and family, I felt included & important, part of something bigger than me, and the unconditional love & support that a family gives. The experience really touched my heart. Parting was so very difficult and when I got home, I had this constant craving to see them all again very soon (they live across the country). I haven't felt this connected and complete in a LONG time-- and I hadn't cried during parting like that since saying goodbye to my grandparents in the 1970's.

So through the years I have felt like something is missing. I felt like I have been searching for something from my mother and Dad-- some sort of answer. I haven't been able to put my finger on the feeling until just the other day when I was looking at my daughter and feeling such pure love and joy looking in her eyes-- I belong with her & my husband, she & my husband belong with me, I have family across the country is very loving & supportive- WE ARE FAMILY AND I BELONG. I haven't had that since I was 11 years old.

Characteristics of Adults Shamed in Childhood

shame:
painful emotion caused by a strong sense of
guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.

As an adult child of two parents with personality disorders, I knew when the abuse was actually going on that some after-effects would be experienced later in life. Although I was able to endure the abuse, I knew I deep-sixed some of the feelings. I remember thanking God for giving me a head on my shoulders to know that the abuse was my parents doing-- that what I was going through was a product of their manufacturing. Even so, I knew that somewhere down the line, feelings or results could emerge.

The following list are characteristics of adult children of shamed in childhood by Jane Middleton-Moz. Both my BPD mother and NPD father wielded shame well with their emotional abuse. My personal commentary is in purple, and brief discussion follows the list. If you are an adult child of abuse / shame, I would love to hear from you as well:

1. afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self. This statement doesn't describe me. I don't feel vulnerable and I don't fear exposing myself. I am actually quite the opposite, as I have always been "what you see is what you get", as well as I go after what I want, whether it's meeting a person in a social setting, introducing myself in a professional setting, or trying to get to know myself. In regard to rejection, I realize that everyone is not made for everyone, so if I meet someone that the fit doesn't work, I move on, as there are others out in that sea of life. I thoroughly enjoy meeting new people, being in new situations, and experiencing new things. I am outgoing and gregarious as well.

2. may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes. I am not shy-- I am very outgoing. I am not embarrassed or have inferiority feelings-- I actually am confident and feel like I do my best in whatever situation is presented. There are those that are better at certain things than me, and reciprocally, there are those that aren't as skilled as me in others. We all have our place in life, and I work to do my best in the situation at hand. I don't think I am a mistake as well.

3. fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run. The statements don't fit me. I put my effort into my relationships, as I am committed and loyal. If I experience a sour relationship or one that ends for one reason or another, I pick up and move on-- realizing that life goes on. I enter new relationships with optimism and hope (expect the best)-- rather than expecting the worst. I expect the best from others and my relationship with them, which I feel I do get the best from people.

4. may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless. I can say, from my own perspective, that these adjectives don't describe me. If anything, I put others needs before my own. I, do, at times, immerse myself too much into something, but I don't lose, neglect, or do a disservice to myself. I know limits.

5. feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable." Completely not me. I am worthy. I am lovable.

6. frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections. Being an "all good" child of a BPD mother, this is one of the points that fits me. I know that my mother didn't tolerate me being less than what she expected of me, and what she expected of me was always the very best-- especially when it came to school and grades. I remember her getting mad at me for bringing home straight A's and S's, except for one N (not satisfactory) in self-control ("talks too much"). I remember being so nervous bringing that report card home to her. Even when it came to cleaning something, I had to do a spotless and practically perfect job or else I had to go back and do it again.

To this day, I can be defensive, and I don't want to make mistakes. I am hard on myself, probably more than anyone else, and I strive to do the best that I can at my endeavors. I don't do things incomplete or sloppy-- I am thorough and meticulous.

7. frequently blame others before they can be blamed. I take the blame where I see the blame should be taken. I, however, expect others to take accountability for their actions if they are accountable. I am not a 'finger pointer' but I thoughtfully consider situations before drawing a conclusion, and if I feel like I am a part of the equation, I certainly will take my part and be accountable.

8. may suffer from debilitating guilt These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them. BINGO on this one. My mother and Dad are experts at flinging guilt-trips, and I have been on a guilt-trip practically my entire life (with family). My Dad creates these larger than life scenarios, the need to 'have a talk', and continues to grow the guilt trip larger. He always expects me to apologize. My mother, on the other hand, just wants me to take the blame for her bad behavior and take the burden off of her shoulders. She likes to play the victim and plays the 'poor pitiful me' to a "T"... and with that, she is the grand manipulator with guilt as a tool. I have recently been able to free myself of the guilt-- knowledge is a powerful defense. The more I know what makes my mother and Dad tick, the more I am able to understand that I am just the recipient of their toxic bi-products, one of which is guilt. I am no longer apologizing to them-- I am apologizing to myself for tolerating this treatment for too long (and not exiting out sooner).

9. feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care. Yes, yes, yes. I have always felt like an outsider in my own family. I don't think I have ever felt like I fit. I feel like I fit with my friends, and interestingly, I have always considered my friends as my family. I haven't felt lonely in life... I have felt lonely in family life. I haven't had family support to cheer me on through tough times. I haven't had the family root me on during my achievements. I have had so many holidays alone and sad. I have had so many birthdays unrecognized. I have felt invisible. I have felt like a 2nd rate member of my family. I do feel the love of my daughter, husband, and friends. But in regard to the love from my mother and Dad, I haven't truly felt that since I was a little, little girl.

10.project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others. This doesn't apply to me.

11. often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self. This doesn't apply to me.

12. often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others. This doesn't apply to me.

13. often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked. This doesn't apply to me.

14. feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination. I do feel that I need to do things to the best of my abilities, and I think that I should consistently put my best out there. I don't feel that my best is 'perfect' by any means. I have experienced performance anxiety at times, but I am not a procrastinator AT ALL. I actually am quite the opposite. My performance anxiety popped up with one of my jobs in my professional life only-- and when removed from the high pressured position, that performance anxiety dissipated.

15. experience depression. I have had my ups and downs but I don't think I experience depression outside of the ordinary.

16. block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like being a workaholic, having eating / shopping / substance abuse disorders, list-making or gambling. I don't have compulsive behaviors.

17. lie to themselves and others. I don't lie to myself nor others.

18. often have caseloads rather than friendships. This doesn't apply to me.

19. often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain. After thinking about the meaning of this statement, I take this to mean that the adult child shamed in childhood incessantly thinks about the past and tries to make sense of it all in order to deal with the painful experiences. I do think of the past and try to piece it all together; I also analyze and pick apart current / recent encounters that have been filled with friction in regard to my family. I do try to take the past and understand it so that I can come to peace with it and move on. I also try to understand my actions and reactions in these scenarios, trying to isolate my part in these frictions, so that I won't make the same mistakes or won't take unnecessary blame. I would venture to guess that I think about the past and its components a great deal more than the average person-- and I would venture to guess that I am like this because of the nature of my past. The past shapes the person who you are today-- and since nothing has been clear cut with either parent or what has happened as a result of my parents, compulsively processing and intellectualizing is a result.

20. have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation. Completely doesn't apply to me.

21. are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency. This doesn't apply to me.

So with this list, you can see I exhibit residual effects from the abuse I endure from my BPD mother and NPD father. I can trace how I realized that I was feeling after-effects:

Once I turned 18, I was out on my own and concentrating on getting a degree, working through college, and having a wonderful social life. I think my main issue at this time was trying to break free from the emotional control that my parents had over me-- guilt trips, manipulations, and conditional love. I wanted to (and always have wanted to) please them so much-- and if I pleased one, the other wasn't pleased... so I was constantly juggling. The juggling was so disconcerting.

Mid-way through college I went through a period of depression that I couldn't explain. I was making straight A's, running competitively, had wonderful friends, worked several jobs so money wasn't an issue, and I had my needs met being self-sufficient. I never did figure out what this depression was a result of, but one day I woke up and the weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

By the time I was out of college and in management, I realized that I was dealing with my boss a lot like I dealt with my Dad. This boss could put me on the defense identical to what my Dad would do to me. As a result, I reacted defensively-- feeling the need to explain to the nth degree. I did a great deal of soul searching, researching, and delving into spirituality at this time. I purchased books on how to deal with difficult people (difficult people like my Dad is difficult) and about believing in oneself and staying positive & happy.

I also struggled to find balance with work and private time as I worked up to 100 hours a week at times, and my mother didn't offer any support. She actually advocated staying in the position that I was overworked and underpaid AND miserable. I felt trapped and alone a lot of the time, and I felt as if life was unfolding around me, and I was only an observer. After an estrangement with my mother and a job change, I became peaceful and happy once again.

By the end of the 90's I was experiencing anxiety and starting having very bad problems with my stomach. I ended up diagnosed with GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease) and gall stones. The anxiety continued to accelerated during the time I reconciled with my estranged mother. Ultimately the anxiety subsided-- but I still have hints of it to this day. My stomach issues have also subsided.

During my entire life, I have not been good with confrontation. I do not greet distention or disagreement well. If any type of negatively stems from my family, my heart skips a beat, I feel the fight-or-flight kick in, and I shake. In regard to family challenges, I always prepare for the worst and realize I will be blamed for whatever is in question. I don't accept the blame, per se, but I realize that the situation will be manipulated one way or another to make it 'my fault'.

In my personal (friend / boyfriend / husband) and professional relationships, I do not analyze or intellectualize them; however, with my family, I am completely the opposite. And as the years have progressed, and the dysfunctional episodes continue to pop up, I tend to analyze and intellectualize more and more. Having a family that is so dysfunctional, keeping everything straight in your own head can be challenging. Having the support, love, and validation of trusted friends (and spouse) is vital. Being able to talk things through with people who have been there with you through thick & thin is worth more than any therapist can tell you. Having friends that have been through the same or similar situations is also more valuable than what any psychiatrist can give you. So, although I may think things through, I know that my processing is taking me to a place of acceptance and understanding-- a place where the pieces of the puzzle are fitting together.

My entire life I have always felt like an outsider in regard to my family. Whether it's with my birth father and his family, my Dad and his wife / kids, or my mother and her husband / kids, I have not felt like I fit in since my parents split in 1979. See subsequent blog entry: Feeling Like I Don't Belong to a Family. When that family unit was pulled apart by my mother's infidelities, my feeling like I belonged was also pulled apart:

• My birth father and his family may have wanted to love me or to include me, but (1) getting to know them was too late (too much baggage had built up in my life that I couldn't handle another family added to the mix) (2) I didn't feel like I fit in (they had their own history, stories, and traditions that I was not a part of making) (3) they were just another group of 'nice' people... there are lots of 'nice' people out there, and trying to make them 'fit' into my confusing and whirlwind life was too much.
• I was part of a family with Dad and his wife / children (my Dad had custody of my brother and me when he married his new wife); however, the family unit was brought together too soon after a tumultuous divorce between my mother and Dad. The situation seemed forced, and situations weren't handled with finesse or care. In fact, tensions were high from the beginning, and my step-mother managed to alienate me from the beginning. I left to move in with my mother.
  
• My mother and step-father kept me as an outsider by making sure to remind me that my last name was different than theirs, reminding me that my brother is "JUST" my half-brother, and noting whenever possible that my mother is the "only" family that I've got (trying to keep me aligned with her but an outside to everyone else). My mother has tried to manipulate my family relationships my whole life.
  

As a result of a very disorderly, confusing, and cluttered upbringing, I have been very much a person who lives very orderly, clearly, and simply. I believe there's a place for everything and everything in its place. I wouldn't say I am a perfectionist, but I do believe in putting one's best foot forward every day. I feel as if I should treat everyone as I would want me to be treated... and I am acutely aware of the effects of my behavior / actions on others.

As brief as childhood is compared to one's entire life, the results are amazingly intense and enduring. Every day, I strive to overcome the results of my childhood and work on self-improvement. I also pray that I give my child the love, support, and safety that she needs to be a well adjusted and happy adult, ready to take on the world.

Out of the Nest (1985 - 1988)

I graduated from high school with honor roll grades, a Leadership Award in one sport, barring in two sports, and getting advanced placement in English & Math. Through all of the confusion, I managed to excel at school. I was accepted into several colleges and per my parents' divorce agreement, I had to selected a state university for my Dad to pay my tuition, books, room, transportation, lab fees, and food. My mother gave up equity in the house in exchange for my Dad to pay for my brother's and my college (more on this later). During this time, my Dad and I started talking again, and rekindling a relationship with him felt good.

I went off to college and adjusted well; however, I missed my family & friends, so I came home on some weekends. I missed a couple of weekends due to illness (I had a very BAD case of strep throat at one point, which friends came to check on me, but not my family) and obligations at school on others.

After I came home one random weekend and spent an afternoon running with a friend, I was eating dinner with my mother, step-father, and brother. My mother made a statement, "If you are coming home and not to spending time with your family, then don't bother coming home". I was puzzled as I was coming home and spending time with friends AND family. Again, I felt like I could rarely anything right in her eyes.

Well, one weekend, I knew I was going to be spending a great deal of time with my friends, helping them with their job. I decided that I would come back to the local area, help them out, stay in their dorm, and head back the next morning. I figured I would tell my mother about the excursion afterward, but one of her friends saw me and told my mother in conversation that she had seen me in town.

You would have thought the world had ended. My mother was hysterical, saying that I didn't love her, that I would have never come into town and not called if I did love her. No matter what reassurances I presented, she continued to get more and more upset. Her hysteria and being convinced I didn't love her because I came into town & didn't call her continued through phone calls AND letters, until the situation escalated after a few weeks to her telling me to not come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas and that she would put all of my possessions on the curb to be picked-up on a certain date. And if the items weren't retrieved on that date, she would have the Salvation Army pick them up (I had a final exam on that day and my school was almost a 2 hour drive to her house). I was floored that the situation had heightened to this level. My friends tried talking to her, but she was irrational.

Each of her letters became more and more bizarre. "Borderlines distort the truth because their perceptions are distorted. Distortion is an unconscious way of processing information that reflects the individual’s reality. Distortion misleads and aggravates family members, who may take a borderline’s statement at face value before discovering the facts” p 9 Lawson. She grew further away from what the point actually was. She became so upsetting and abusive with her words that one of my friends wrote her a letter (unknown to me) asking her to back off, that she was behaving crazy.

My friends ended up having to retrieve my things off of the street due to my exam that day. She also placed a condition that I had to return all of the things she sent me off to college with (towels, linens, and such), as well as a ring that I had never heard of or seen (she claimed it was 'stolen' from her). She said that if I didn't have all of these items contained in the suitcase that she sent me off with that I couldn't have my things. So, I gathered the towels, linens, suitcase, and other items (that I thought were mine for college and in the future) so that I could have my clothes and other belongings. I also wrote a note that I didn't know what ring she was asking for. Again, I am accused of something I didn't do.

My friends were able to get my things. I didn't have enough room in my tiny dorm room for all of the stuff (records, photo albums, clothes, record player, and so much more ... the stuff filled a van) that I had to leave most of the things in the van. Thankfully my friend allowed me to leave the things there until I was able to accommodate the items into my living space.

Later in life, I discovered that my mother had been telling people all sorts of lies about me. I don't understand how my mother, who will tell you how I am the best thing to hit this planet, will turn around and say the most horrible things about me. I don't understand how a mother would talk so terribly about their own child -- why a mother would want to make their child look so badly. Anyway, during the time of the letter writing and going off the deep-end, my mother was telling people that I was so thin because I had a drug problem. She said that I spent all my money on drugs too. Of course, people who knew me thought these statements were ludicrous as I didn't use drugs, was an avid runner, worked during college, and made excellent grades. But why my mother felt compelled to spread such hurtful things about a daughter, who just a few weeks prior hung the moon, is baffling. See subsequent blog post: Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage about how my mother organized campaigns of denigration against me.

"The borderline enlists others as allies against the person who is the target of her rage. She may seek out friends, family members (including siblings and children), and co-workers of her victim in whom to confide fabricated stories designed to discredit her enemy. She intentionally leaves out discussion of her own behavior, presenting the other person's behavior as entirely unjustified. Others may believe the allegations because of the intensity of her emotion. Misinformation is calculated and constructed in order to destroy the victim's reputation. Those who do not know the true situation may not notice the inconsistencies in the story. It's difficult to verify the truth because the intensity of her emotions dissuades others from asking details" p 141 Lawson.

I was talking to my Dad more and more at this time. He was supportive of me not talking to my mother, and he started inviting me over to his house for events. However, that Christmas I spent Christmas morning with my friend and her family, which felt very strange. I felt orphaned. Christmas never was the same after the 1976 Christmas-- after my grandmother died in 1977. And then Christmases were even weirder with my parents divorce, spending it without my mother in 1979, and trying to appease both sets of parents in the years after their remarriages. But now, in 1985, I am alone with my friend and her family, celebrating with them, while my parents are without me, and seemingly not concerned. See subsequent blog post: Feeling Like I Don't Belong to a Family

I finished out the school year but transferred to a school closer to the local area. I had a job that I had been working for 3 years at that point, and I also wanted to be closer to my friends. When I made that decision, school had ended, which also meant my dorm-room had ended, and I had no place to stay. (My Dad also decided that he wouldn't pay for my college as agreed to per his divorce agreement). My Dad allowed me to stay at his house for a week (a decade later, my step-sister ends up pregnant and lives in his house for SEVEN years with her daughter-- but I am allotted one week; my brother is not allowed back home as a teenager; my step-brother is asked to leave and handed a handful of money. More on this later). After the week at my Dad's and continuing to search for a place to rent, I spent a week at 3 different friends' houses.

I found a room for rent in a large house. I had 3 jobs and no car. I ran to my first job and back (approximately 4 miles each way), rode my bike to my 2nd job and back, and hitched a ride to my 3rd job as well as school. Eventually I earned enough money to purchase a small car. Money was very tight but I got by. I made straight A's that first quarter of my 2nd year of college, and the A's continued through the quarters.

An interesting observation at this point: I was running to my 1st job, and my boss noticed that I was getting sicker and sicker. I just blew it off that I was not feeling well but I was okay. One day, she came to check on me, and upon seeing me, she ran me off to the emergency room. I was diagnosed with pneumonia in both lungs, prescribed some heavy medication, and told to stay in bed. During the two weeks that I was bed-bound and woozy from fever & medication, my Dad didn't come to check on me one time. He didn't even call me. The lady that I rented the room from was the one who checked on me as she knew I was alone. She made sure I ate soup here and there, and she always asked if there was anything she could do for me. I have felt like an orphan many times in my life, and this was one of them. See subsequent blog post: Feeling Like I Don't Belong to a Family

My brother has some issues with my mother during this time, and her way of dealing with it was to stick him into 'rehab' for teenagers. I found the 'rehab' to be an insurance sucking crock, but she kept him there. I actually went to see him when I had that case of pneumonia. Sitting there, riddled with fever and seeing my brother in this surreal place was more than I could bear. When he got out, she wouldn't let him come back home. Instead, he was placed into a 'halfway house' with ADULTS (he was still a teenager). My Dad wouldn't take him to his home either, so here is a boy, a lost boy, out on his own as a teenager without parents to provide love, safety, and security. No matter what had transpired with him, no matter how frustrated my mother was, no matter how hurt my Dad was with him, they shouldn't have EVER turned their back on him like this. The repercussions are still echoing to this day.

My relationship with my Dad grew with me seeing him more often. He even had me take care of his house when he vacationed with my step-mother (my step-sister and step-brother still lived at the house). If you recall from earlier posts, I had issues with my Dad taking sides with my step-mother regardless of the issue. I felt he had chosen his life, which didn't include my brother or me. Well, I was thrilled to have acceptance back again- or at least I thought.

My step-mother still had issues with me, and the Christmas of 1986, she refused to accept a gift from me. My grandmother witnessed my step-mother's rude and cruel behavior and immediately jumped to my defense, but my step-mother was determined not to accept it and to not talk to me. I was simply happy to have someone see the treatment I have endured all these years, and I was even happier to have someone take my defense.

That Christmas, my brother came for a visit, leaving his half way house. My Dad has always treated life very selfishly (remember in earlier posts how my Dad and step-mother would retreat into their room at night, not allowing the kids to disturb them?). Well at holidays, my Dad has his limits, and when he decides he had enough, everyone has to leave. I was fine with that, especially after the awful confrontation with my step-mother; however, my brother wasn't due to be picked up until way later. I couldn't give him a ride as I had to get to work and his place was the opposite direction. So my last sight of that family celebration that Christmas was my pitiful brother walking up the street, alone & dejected. My heart was breaking, once again.

Around year or so later, I was still working my three jobs, I had an apartment with a coworker at this point, and I had a nice little car to zip around in. I felt comfortable with who I was, my friends were my family, and I felt very secure being able to take care of myself and thrive. At this point, I hadn't talked to my mother in 3 years. Then that day happened when she walked into my night job, and I about dropped my teeth. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't. She wanted to talk to me. I told her I had to finish up with my work. We ended up sitting in my car and talking -- she told me she got 'help', apologized for what she did to me, and promised she wouldn't do it again. I listened and didn't say much. I knew how hard I had to work to get where I was. I knew that I was comfortable without the confusion, drama, and sadness of the distention. I knew that I was very hesitant to get involved again-- but this is my MOTHER.

I talked about getting involved again with many people before finally making the decision to let her back into my life. My thought was, "How could she hurt me now?". I am in control of my life, self sufficient, and on my own, so if she does anything to compromise that, I will back off. I don't know if my Dad had an inclination that my mother was coming back around or if someone clued him in, but he came to one of my jobs to visit, and said that he would 'cut me off' if he found out I had a relationship with my mother again. See subsequent blog post: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome. I have a picture of him from that visit, as an unknowing staffer snapped a shot of him sitting there talking to me, and you can see how much of an angry person he is (foreshadowing the future here folks :)

Certainly his words banged around in my head during my decision to allow my mother back into my life, but I decided I had to do what I had to do as it's my life. I also decided that with both my mother and my Dad that what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them. So I wouldn't talk about the other, I wouldn't mention anything about the other, and I could go on having a relationship with both. Wishful thinking.

Things did move along okay with both in my life. Holidays were always tricky because both would want me to be at their place, and I could only be at one, so I was always stressed with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. I actually started to resent the holidays at this time, and also appreciate having jobs that forced me to work a holiday as I didn't have to juggle my parents and their invitations. "I have to work" is much easier.

My Dad and step-mother, although claiming they didn't have any money (so couldn't pay for my college, books, housing, transportation, and all the other items AGREED to in the divorce agreement) traveled all the time. I was enlisted to take care of their house several times, and on this occasion, I was taking care of their house when they went skiing in Denver. I was headed out to work my night job when my step-brother announces that he was going to have a party when I was working. I stressed that I didn't approve of this and that I expected the house to be in the condition when I return as it was in before I left. This didn't happen, and when I got home from work, beer cans, beer cases, and drunk kids were every where (my step-brother is 5 years younger than me, me being 19 at the time, so he was 14-ish). I was completely appalled at what I found and left it the way it was for him to clean in the morning.

When I got up in the morning, the place was in the same condition, and as I got some juice out of the fridge on of my Dad's friends came to the door. He saw all of the party mess, but I didn't explain anything to him. Ultimately he told my Dad what he saw, and my Dad questioned my step-brother about what went on (I was back at my apartment at this point). My step-brother accused me of having a party, and my Dad believed him. The lie went so far as to say I had a boy in my Dad's bed. When I spoke to my Dad, I first pointed out that I worked that night, and that was verifiable. I second pointed out that I have my own place to have a party, why would I pick his place. The third thing I pointed out what his lack of trust in me and how quickly he is to jump to think the worst of me (more of this to come for decades in the future). At this point, I couldn't handle the drama or the accusations and needed to focus on school and working three jobs, so I pulled away. Pulling away was just the beginning...