Overreactions to Illness and Hysteria with Borderline Personality

Borderline Personality Disordered (BPD) individuals may display dramatic or hysterical behavior as well as overreact to illness and accidents. These behaviors leave family members "sucked in and emotionally depleted" (Lawson, p 15).  Although all BPD's are prone to hysterical reactions when stressed, the Hermit BPD feels particularly threatened by illness. She is intolerant of discomfort, inconvenience, and pain. She may moan and groan, scream and cry primarily out of fear, not pain. When frightened, she becomes hostile. Her exaggerated responses confuse those who care for her. Family members may be unable to distinguish minor injuries from major emergencies (Lawson, p 93). Additionally, the BPD Waif may suffer from chronic or recurrent illnesses with frequent medical visits (Lawson, p 64).

Each of these statements above depicts very clearly my BPD mother and her ever expanding list of illnesses and ailments and her dramatic and hysterical reactions to them. To be fair, she has been diagnosed with an auto-immune disease in 1995. However, besides my mother, I know many people with her type of autoimmune disease, and my mother is the only one who is as crippled mentally and physically as she. She has claimed to be effected by a host of diseases, conditions, and illnesses in addition to the autoimmune disease; however, most of them have never come to fruition. She scours the Internet and the PDR (Physician's Desk Reference) in order to self-diagnose herself. Then she dreams up these horrible possibilities which she then communicates to family and friends. As Lawson mentioned, family members have a challenging time distinguishing between fabricated, minor, and major health claims.

Recently the reports have gotten more and more dramatic per emails that my brother has forwarded to me from my mother. Just this year, she has claimed to be losing her kidneys and may need a kidney transplant (even went so far as to ask my brother if he would donate one of his), claimed to have polymyositis (widespread inflammation, loss of, and weakness of the muscles which she stated would ultimately effect her heart and be terminal), and claimed to have heart disease. Each of these claims did not get diagnosed after tests by her doctors. She has always been the victim-- whether she's the victim of something one of her friends did to her or something that one of her family did to her (ie: me, her sister, my brother, her father) or with these medical issues.

In regard to her health, she always had a weak fortitude since as far back as I can remember. She has always been tired and rarely physically active. She smoked a lot, never exercised, and was always sedentary. But above all-- she was always fatigued. Additionally, she has displayed the inability to handle discomfort, inconvenience, or pain. She would tell me stories of the dentist, gynecologist, and other medical visits from her childhood to present that were uncomfortable, inconvenient, or painful. And now, through experiences of my own with the same procedures, I have not felt the same. In fact, each of the experiences has been built up with anxiety due to what she had said, and then to my surprise, the experience was pleasant and comfortable.

In regard to her health, she had strange ailments pop up through the years such as 2nd degree burns at the beach in 1976 and toe nails falling off in the 1980's. Then starting at the end of the 1980's, she started to gain weight and hurt when moving. By the early 1990's she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  By 1995, she had surgery (hysterectomy). 

While she was in the hospital, she had fits of extreme hysteria. Her behavior was completely erratic, wild, and, well, crazy. She would say one thing, scream another, cry & plead, and was out of control. "Borderlines are prone to hysterical reactions. She is intolerant of discomfort, inconvenience, and pain. She may moan and groan, scream and cry primarily out of fear, not pain. When frightened, she becomes hostile. Her exaggerated responses confuse those who care for her" p 93 Lawson. I definitely didn't know what to do. I was confused and looked to my step-father for guidance. He seemed as bewildered as I was.

When she first came out of surgery, she asked for and looked to her friend for comfort. She rejected my affection, including holding my hand, having me caress her, and merely sitting next to her. I was ignored and eye-contact was avoided. I was puzzled as to what I had done to deserve this treatment. And then when it came to the evening, although I was supposed to stay the night in the room, she asked her friend to stay. I gathered my things and began to leave with my step-father. That's when the hysteria peaked. 

She went completely hysterical with yelling, screaming, and crying. I truly didn't know what to do as she was irrational and seemingly psychotic. My step-father had her friend and myself step out of the room so he could talk with her. We could hear her screaming, bawling, and freaking-out at him. Her behavior was bizarre. When he emerged from the room, he advised me to leave with him and for my mother's friend to stay.  I was still completely baffled as to why she was pushing me away but upset that I was leaving. My step-father was equally confused as we spoke about it on our way out to our cars. "Overreaction to pain or illness is a consequence of the inability to sooth or comfort herself. When she feels vulnerable, she is incapable of containing anxiety" p 93 Lawson.

I had observed this type of behavior when I was a child. When she had sun-burn at  the beach, I found her crawling on the floor, hysterical and yelling at my father (1976). When she went to the hospital when I was in high-school (1983), she was irrational and confusing: requesting one thing then scolding you for doing that, insisting she meant something else. The worst was the incident in 1995 mentioned above, but her behavior in 1999 was equally as scarring to me (mentioned below). Her hysteria was not limited to illnesses / ailments. A few examples are when she went hysterical when my Dad went on business trips (throughout the 1970's), went ballistic in the house (tearing it apart with my Dad ultimately restraining her on the living room floor- mid-70's), and threw herself down (hysterically crying) on the door-step of a family's home that I was babysitting (my Dad was awarded custody at the time- early 80's).

Now back to the mid-90's: I was very frustrated with my mother during the years of finding a diagnosis, as well as after the autoimmune disease diagnosis (1995). She wasn't doing anything to help her cause. Equally dysfunctional is the BPD completely neglecting her health as my mother did during these years (Lawson, p 64). My mother remained sedentary. She ate terribly. Although she had claimed to have stopped smoking, she was sneaking cigarettes whenever she could. She was very negative and not finding the positive in life. I would try to motivate her to exercise-- walk, stretch, get out-- but my ideas were always greeted with excuses. During this time, she would actually avoid going to the doctor and dentist. She was skipping follow-up treatments and taking herself off of her medications. She completely neglected her health.

She wielded the guilt-trip weapon during this time too. I was offered a position at a company across the country from where we both resided. She was dramatic, firm, and clear when she stated, "You wouldn't think of moving away when your mother is this sick... would you?" I ended up not taking the job. Ironically, we ended up estranged shortly after that due to  a package I recieved in the mail from my Dad that she went bonkers over: Here We Go Again 

By May of 1999, my brother and I decided to break the silence between our mother and us. We called her on Mother's Day. She carried on as if nothing ever happened. In July 1999, she ended up in the hospital for a pulmonary embolism. The condition was truly serious, and she wanted to see my brother. So I flew him down, got him from the airport, and had him stay with me. My mother wanted him to spend the night in the hospital with her, but he didn't feel comfortable with that. I don't blame him (it had been 9 years since they had seen each other and only a few months into the reconciliation). 

My mother, again, exhibited inappropriate and aggressive behavior while she was in the hospital. Keep in mind that this was the first time that my brother, mother, and me were all together in the same room in almost FIFTEEN years. My mother was acting like Mr. Hyde. I don't know what got into her, but there she was in the hospital bed, being very boisterous, pushy, and rotten. She became angered with my brother for not staying at her bedside day and night. She ranted that she didn't leave her mother's side when she was in the hospital- so she expected the same treatment. She was so angered with my brother that they ended up estranged again shortly after she was out of the hospital. Additionally, a topic that was never brought up in the past that she brought up out-of-the-blue was that I have a different father than my brother. She kept emphasizing that my brother "is ONLY" my half brother. Her behavior was not only dramatic but also inappropriate and out-of-place and with purpose. But what was that purpose? More about this period of time: In Through the Out Door

In regard to overreacting to illnesses: since her diagnosis of an autoimmune disease in 1995, my mother has claimed to have Rheumatoid Arthritis (inflammation of joints / tissues), Cushing's Disease (pituitary gland releases too much adrenocorticotropic hormone), Hashimoto's Disease (thyroid gland inflammation), Raynaud's Syndrome (vasospastic disorder causing discoloration of the fingers / toes), Sjogren's Syndrome (immune cells attack and destroy the exocrine glands that produce tears / saliva), chronic heart failure, polymyositis (weakness and/or loss of muscle mass in the proximal musculature, particularly in the shoulder and pelvic girdle), bladder dysfunction (went through an extensive battery of tests), kidney failure, heart failure, and more. Again, I have to stress that she DOES have an autoimmune disease; however, these other claims are above and beyond the autoimmune disease diagnosis and haven't been diagnosed by her doctors although she claims to be suffering from each. 

"Sucked-in and emotionally depleted" is how Lawson described the family of a BPD who overreacts and is dramatic with illness and accidents. Indeed, caring for a BPD mother who is ill yet lashes out and is purposefully hurtful and rejecting is challenging: on one hand, you feel sympathy and empathy, and then on the other hand, you feel the need to protect yourself from the abuse. The irrational behavior is incomprehensible, and the bizarre and hysterical behavior is frightening. All the way around, being a child of a BPD mother who exhibits these behaviors is terribly confusing, perplexing, and disorienting.

Estranged from Mother on Mother's Day

I was googling 'estranged from mother on Mother's Day' to see what folks had to say about this topic, and I stumbled upon this poem that was posted on Grieving Mother's Day


My mother taught me
More than the teachers ever did.

My mother loved me
More than all my lovers ever could.

My mother showed me
How to be happy all the time.

And my mother
Taught me about Jesus.

What is ironic about this piece is that not one aspect of this poem applies to the mother I have. The only part that could possibly apply to my mother is the first two lines as she placed a lot of credence on education and she did work with me closely as a young child (preschool and younger) so that I excelled entering into the school system in kindergarten.

Otherwise, if she loves me more than all my lovers could, she didn't and doesn't show it. She bashes me to those who will listen. She lies about me when she can. She manipulates facts about me and twists the truth. She paints me in the worst light possible and spreads horrible stories about me. She tries to recruit my friends, husband's family, and my colleagues into her bashing by instigating email campaigns against me. These actions are NOT in any sense indicative of a person who loves you-- much less a mother who has unconditional love for her child. She has behaved like this since I was a child. At least now, I am removed from the abuse.

My mother DEFINITELY did not show me 'how to be happy all the time'. I DID... it's actually part of my nature. My mother has been a negative, glass half empty, and unhappy person since I was first cognizant of her personality. She was frequently heard saying, "Life's a bitch and then you die" and "If it's not one thing, it's another"... and she was rarely happy-go-lucky and carefree. Everything is an effort. Everything is a big-deal. Everything is a pain in the rear for her. I remember thinking how she could take even the most wonderful and magical thing like a trip to Disney World and make it miserable for herself. I knew I didn't think that way, and I never wanted to be like her-- since I was a young, young girl.

Last, my mother completely did NOT 'teach me about Jesus'. She said that she had religion forced on her so she decided to allow my brother and me to discover and decide about religion on our own-- POOR decision in my experience and opinion. She didn't guide us, lead us, or teach us in any way, shape, or form about religion. The closest thing we got to religion was attending kindergarten at the Presbyterian church up the street. I recall my brother asking what the place was, and my mother answering that we were in God's house. And then my brother asked to meet him. My mother said that he wasn't home at that time. I also wondered what the books where on the back of all the chairs but didn't dare to ask in fear of sounding stupid (I was around 5 years of age).

On this Mother's Day, I will focus on the wonderful, nurturing, and happy women in my life on Mother's Day. The women that taught me about life, loved me fully & deeply, and showed me sheer happiness. Whether my aunt, sister in law, friends, or colleagues, the women are honored in my eyes for all they do for their children and all they contribute to the world. I have so many women in my life to be grateful about that my negative and confusing mother is not a second thought.

Additionally, I focus immensely on my daughter... this little magical being in my life that made me a mother, the one who makes my life a heartwarming and endearing life to live, and the one who fills my heart with so much happiness I could burst. She is the light of my life and gives me SO MUCH to be thankful about.

Borderline Personality Disorder | When Mom's an Emotional Terrorist

The following is a piece I just stumbled upon and found it so poignant, I thought I had to share it. My commentary is in blue throughout the piece:

Mother's Day and Borderline Personality Disorder: When Mom's an Emotional Terrorist

Terrorism had a face on September 11, 2001. It is also known as "9/11". The despicable act knows no boundaries. It is one-sided. It is disguised on its omnipotent goals. It is devoid of empathy and awareness of human feelings. It uses threats and suicide as its weapons. It is spurred by feelings of vindictiveness and vengefulness. For the terrorists, their actions are legitimate, justifiable and a response to an injustice. The terrorists become obsessed with a self-serving plan based on their distorted reality.

My commentary: the beginning segment's definition of terrorism so closely correlates with the definition of BPD it's incredible. Even though my mother and I have been estranged for 5 years now, she is still exhibiting no boundaries, is one sided, is devoid of empathy, and has taken actions that are completely self-serving based on her distorted reality. For example:

• She is fostering a relationship with my half-sister who is the daughter of my mother's 1st of 3 husbands- the husband she divorced in 1968- under the guise of bashing me.
  
• She promised to financially help my brother who is in dire straits after being estranged from him for ten years but then backing down and blaming it on my step-father.
  
• She struck up a relationship with one of my professional colleagues and communicating a mess of hog-wash to her.

The Emotional Terrorist Defined

Hollywood film makers portrayed the Emotional terrorist character in many of its movies including "Mommie Dearest, Body Heat, Fatal Attraction, Sophie's Choice, Single White Female, Basic Instinct, Black Widow, and All About Eve".

History gave us Hitler and Osama Bin Laden as terrorist epitomes.

Erin Pizzy, referring to her work with women, explained the working definition of an emotional terrorist in the article "Working with Violent Women". An emotional terrorist seeks to achieve a destructive goal to her family member and carry out actions without boundaries. These violent-prone actions are seen as legitimate grievances. The real or imagined legitimacy turns into an obsession.

My commentary: interesting statement about seeking "to achieve a destructive goal to her family member and carry out actions without boundaries". My mother has exhibited this time & time again with my family-- almost systematically going after members of the family methodically, all with the guise that she is the victim. Additionally, she is very pushy-- without boundaries-- and when one reacts to her intrusive behavior, she retreats as if she's been personally attacked or rejected. And although she's the one that retreats, she tells everyone that she's been abandoned. Plainly, her behavior is very detrimental by outright lashing out & attacking as well as intensely pushing herself on others-- leaving a path of destruction in her wake.

The emotional terrorist has "unresolved tendencies from a problematic childhood'. The powerful, overwhelming outrage is a mirror to their childhood's painful memories. Thinking of themselves as victims, the emotional terrorist recreates their violent-prone past into their relationships. The emotional terrorist recognizes only her pain and thus becomes insensitive to the feelings of other family members.

The above definition puts a face to many personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPDCentral.com indicated that mental health resources showed 75% of those with BPD are women. The undetected statistics of men fall under the category of narcissism.

Mother's Day for Children of Borderlines

Many children of borderlines dread Mother's Day. The thought of having their mother feel special, important and loved makes them sick. They sift through Mother's Day cards in a store. They look for a card with nothing mushy written on it. Sometimes, a plain "Happy Mother's Day" print is what they would pick. They knew that their mother's response will always be "What do I have to be happy about?" Greeting card companies should start making plain cards for a specific market niche for children with emotional terrorist moms.

My commentary: the statement, "The thought of having their mother feel special, important and loved makes them sick" is intensely true for me. I have felt this-- I so wanted a loving relationship with my mother when I was younger. Once I became a young adult and she continually lashed out in inappropriate, vicious, and confusing ways, I was sickened by her actions and certainly sickened to honor her in a sentimental and touching fashion. The feeling of betraying myself, the one that she's treated so carelessly and flippantly through the years, makes me sickened more than anything. Additionally, the story of the girl that gets her heart ripped out is so reminiscent of myself with my mother-- the continual disappointment, the walking on eggshells, the agony of not being able to do anything right, and the GUILT.

On another note, on times when I have been sentimental with her, I have been met with rejection. For example:

• As a child holding her hand in the movie theater, she pulled her hand away asking me what I was doing.
• When telling her that I love her, she responds with, "Saying I love you should only be spoken if you REALLY mean it and shouldn't be said all the time". After that saying I love you was few and far between.
• If ever I wanted a hug or kiss I would have to go to her... but I was always left with an empty feeling and one-sided .
  

Many daughters have managed to stop sending cards to their borderline mothers. Instead, they pick up the phone to call them with a simple greeting "Hi. How are you?"

Many children of an emotional terrorist feel confused when greeting their mother on Mother's Day. They notice their mother getting sweet and superficially thankful while obviously becoming uncomfortable. It occurs to them that Emotional terrorists like to behave like normal mothers. They know the stereotypical mother from watching them on TV. But, their expressions seem artificial and phony. The truth is they do not enjoy motherhood.

A real-life Mother's Day incident occurred with a borderline mother with 6 children. The children gave an array of gifts to their Borderline mother in bed early in the morning. A bouquet of flowers, personalized cards, hand-crafted gifts, coffee and breakfast in bed were offered by the family. The borderline mother, stunned by the surprise, gave an emotionless "Thank you but now look at the crumbs on my bed. The coffee is not even hot. Do you really know what I have to go through to raise awful kids like you? No one ever helps me around the house. I am like a glorified maid." Then, she bursts into tears of how her hard work as a mother is only appreciated on special occasions. She expects them on a daily basis. She draws out a list from her memory of how the children have ripped her heart out. The list amazingly covered a span of several years. Later that day, she drove the children to her in-laws telling the kids she deserves time by herself on Mother's Day.

Flowers, cards, gifts and calls you give a borderline mother are never good enough. The common statement after giving it to them is "Thank you but..." Some have sent Mother's Day cards to their borderline mothers only to receive photocopies of their own cards a few years down the road. Borderlines must constantly accumulate evidences of their good parenting skills.

The over-sentimental fanfares on Mother's Day elicit anger feelings from children of borderlines. As they struggle to keep their head above the water, their borderline mother throws a boulder to keep them beneath the water. Every child of a Borderline has this fantasy of sitting down their mother and telling her "Look here. This is what you have done. Look at me. I am broken because of you." The children of Borderlines have no voice.

My commentary: SO TRUE: "Every child of a Borderline has this fantasy of sitting down their mother and telling her, 'Look here. This is what you have done. Look at me. I am broken because of you.' The children of Borderlines have no voice." The only voice I have with my mother is silence and estrangement. She tends to misconstrue, manipulate, and hear what she wants to hear when I have tried to communicate-- and she doesn't allow my feelings to be felt or expressed (ie: what happened during my childhood, what happened during my parents' nasty divorce, what occurred to spur off our previous estrangements). I am not allowed my viewpoints of my childhood, she reiterates over & over about what a wonderful childhood I had, and she thinks that childhood has no bearing on who you are or how you function as an adult. In other words, communication has been a dead-end with her.

Even if I told her 'Look here. This is what you have done. Look at me. I am broken because of you' she would say I am making that up, that I am wrong, and that I am exaggerating. Saying nothing and being estranged is the healthiest option all the way around; however, if she could REALLY understand and see what she's done, I would LOVE to say my peace with her. But that's not going to happen-- she is not based in reality, as, like this piece says, "For the terrorists, their actions are legitimate, justifiable and a response to an injustice".

Conclusion

On Mother's Day, we are programmed to celebrate and appreciate motherhood. Many grown daughters and sons of Borderline mothers have opted for closure, limited or no contact. They live at arms length from their emotional terrorist mothers. Otherwise, Mother's Day is another episode of the endless drama. The drama includes the Borderline mother fighting with their Dad all the time, wailing hysterically, door banging and things breaking.

A facade of normalcy is displayed to the outside world. But in reality, these children live in self-contained prison camps. While a traditional greeting card will say "My mother , you are a guiding light" for children of borderlines their mother is like a "guard tower spot light in a prison". You cannot escape.

The beautiful personifications of motherhood for children of borderlines are imagined. The sad reality is children have no legal rights for even the Department of Social Services (DSS) will take no action until there is broken skin. The judges of the family courts continue to give visitation rights for the law must protect the parental rights of mothers. What about the broken spirits and shattered dreams of the victims?

Mother's Day seems to be a life sentence for children of Borderline mothers until they find a way to navigate to the spiritual side of their sufferings.

My commentary: "Mother's Day seems to be a life sentence for children of Borderline mothers until they find a way to navigate to the spiritual side of their sufferings"... and this is so true. Validation, self acceptance, and freedom from guilt are necessary. Getting away (and STAYING AWAY) from the threat of the terrorist and her weapons is vital. Terrorists don't change...

Sources

• Erin Pizzy, "Working with Violent Women", BatteredMen.com
• "Film and Fiction with Borderline Characters", BPDResources.com
• "A Tribute to Motherhood", www.DomesticChurch.us
• Ginny Moyer, "Strong Role Model or Impossible Standard?", Bustedhalo.com
• "Coping with Parents with BPD", BPDcentral.com

Understanding My Borderline Mother

As the grown child of a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I am forever grateful to Christine Ann Lawson who authored Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship for shining a spotlight on this mystifying, tragic, devastating disorder. Was your mother an unexplainable enigma of hatred, abuse, wild mood swings, illogical behaviors and obsessions? Is the first feeling that you can ever remember experiencing as a small child anxiety or fear? Could you describe your mother as a controlling, manipulative, lying witch that left you wondering what the truth was? Does this sound familiar? If so, you need to read this book.

The truth is, children of borderlines do not hate their mothers, but in time, I think that they learn to fear them, and ultimately, hate can grow from deep-rooted fear. You cannot really love those you fear. The child of a normal mother can never understand this. Not in a million years. “If anything, it's the children of a borderline who are clearly the abused and deserve to love themselves and better themselves.”

The main feature of BPD is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive. This disorder occurs in most by early adulthood. The unstable pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person’s self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings, not just work or home, and often is accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in a person’s emotions and feelings. Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow. A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment-- the borderline in many ways is consumed with an all-encompassing rage and hatred that is inconceivable to most people.

My mother's irrationality and rages were the worst when it came to anything about my Dad. My mother especially has this hatred to my Dad, even after 29 years of divorce! To the last day that I talked to her, five years ago, she gets enraged just hearing about him. She claims it's because he left her-- that she gave him a chance to stay. I reminded her that she was the one to CHEAT on him with his BEST friend and then ask for a divorce. She said that she didn't intend on staying with my Dad's friend, but because my Dad's best friend told his wife, she was forced to tell Dad. And she said that she asked him to stay, and he walked up the driveway and left. So, to this day, she feels abandoned by him-- the fear of all fears for a person suffering from BPD-- and thus the reason for her severe irrational reactions if he comes up in conversation. Throughout my life, she looks for signs that I am "betraying" her with my Dad. She asks leading questions or comment about how I should or shouldn't do something that might involve my Dad, testing me to see where I stand.

• While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values.
  

My mother changed jobs frequently; shifted careers several times in several years, and would change complete groups of friends periodically by dropping all of her friends and associating with a whole entire new group. She also has dropped relationships with my brother, me, her sister, her father, and many others at a drop of a hat. She had these intense bouts of anger and depression, and later in years, used prescription drugs heavily.

• Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.
  

My mother always had a problem with either my Dad leaving (business trips, trips to see his family, extracurricular athletics) or her present husband (my step-father) going away. She stays home all the time, and presently has little to no friends.

Up until 1996ish, my mother was a go-getter and high achiever. After she was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease and the disease kicked-in, she became pretty much a recluse, never leaving the house except to go to the doctor. She has been successful in hiding her dysfunction from the public, and my step-father is so codependent he doesn't see any of it. He once tried to leave her and would spend hours discussing the plight he was going through with me. However, once the tables were turned and she directed her rage at me, my step-father had nothing to do with me.

• Borderlines do selfish things for their own good, and rob their children of happiness and a "normal life" in various ways. Borderline mothers tend to use their children, and their husbands, and then discard them when they are through with them. Borderlines destroy families and tear them completely apart, and they are not always victims. Many of them can destroy their entire family and extended family, and feel justified.
  

Why? Because they think they are "victims." But remember, this victimology is often one which they create out of pure mythos. They only see themselves as "victims" because they're too narcissistic to cope with reality, or else it's convenient to make yourself a victim when you've just hurt your loved ones in order to escape dealing with your own guilt and wrongdoing. This is not about borderlines being victims, it's about how they destroy those around them and create meaningless chaos.

My mother has been married three times, has no relationship with her children, treated her sister and father very carelessly, and tore our family apart from as early as I can remember. And all along, she has seen herself as the victim and has created meaningless chaos through crusades, conspiracy theories, picking fights, fear of abandonment, not getting her way, or selfish & irrational thinking.

• Borderlines are "crazy makers." People who get to know them end up damaged in some way or another. It's a fact that borderlines are not always psychotic, and their damage is often willfully inflicted on others out of sheer hate and malice.

My mother was always on a crusade. She will go after someone and keep on going until she has achieved her goal. Whether the crusade was having my 3rd grade teacher fired or the Dean of her university removed, my mother would spend countless hours scheming, planning, and going after their head. She will also occupy her time & thoughts with conspiracy theories: she believes my grandfather was murdered, and she thinks her mother-in-law was poisoned.

• Borderlines often inflict harm on their own children when involved in separations and divorces.
  

My brother and I were pawns through the divorce. We were put through incredible amounts of trauma and stress. Now, not all of the trauma and stress was from just my mother, as Dad had part in perpetuating and starting some of it; however, HE is the one who is losing his family because his wife was messing around with his friend. My Dad should have been angry, BUT they both should have refrained from using the children as pawns. On another note, my mother would drill us about my Dad, sitting us on the floor and asking all sorts of crazy questions. The mental abuse was intense, and even more intense for my brother who was even younger. The input was incredible to process and decipher.

• People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans.
  

My mother completely fits this description. As a young child, if my Dad had to take a business trip, she would completely fall apart or flip out. She threatened to lock herself in her room for the entire time. She would cry and cry upon receiving the news that he was going out of town.

In regard to me, she can completely love me and adore me ... and within the SAME DAY turn her back on me and not talk to me for years, telling everyone possible horrible things about me. She has treated my brother, her sister, her father, and others the exact same way.

• Fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthlessness. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments. I

When she was in college, she apparently attempted suicide, causing her to move back home with her parents.

• Borderlines make a person feel so loved, so secure etc., in the beginning (high value stage) and then a free-fall into insanity when the person completely morphs into a different personality, whom is cold, super angry, emotionally out of control and totally unreasonable and you find yourself lying emotionally wide-open, flat on your back, wondering what in the hell happened. (de-valuation stage).
  

Been there, experienced that many times with my mother! She was Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde from the earliest parts of our childhood on. She also would lock herself away, sometimes for days, leaving Dad wondering how he's going to care for us and get to work. My mother could turn her rages and sadistic behavior on & off like a light switch. She would instantly become "normal" the moment another person entered the room. My mother could be nasty as a snake to my brother and me and then turn it off and be sticky sweet to whoever is at the door or on the phone. Even at a young age, this behavior made me sick.

My mother went into hiding in her dark bedroom with Valium when Grandma died. And when she emerged, she relentlessly picked on my Grandpa, kicking him out of our house, an sending him a scathing letter that led him into a spinning depression. People in our family think my Mom ultimately had a hand in Grandpa's death (he died of a heart attack).

During the years in the 90's and 2000's when I had a relationship with my mother, she would brag about me, tell me how I am the best thing that ever happened to her, and sing my praises as if I hung the moon. But when she snapped (1990's due to a package I received from my Dad; 2000's due to not agreeing with my fiance and my wedding ideas), she took a completely different perspective within minutes. She went so far the other direction in her thinking that she was already saying derrogatory and awful things about me to friends and family within 24 hours of the time she snapped.

• A middle age person, whom is over-adoring and loving, but has a history of failed relationships is displaying a huge RED FLAG, because BPD's cannot maintain long term relationships unless they become involved with a co-dependent, who keeps "hanging in there" hoping for that person to eventually begin to act "normal".
  

In regard to failed relationships, she doesn't have a relationship with her sister, son, daughter; she had cut off ties with her father just prior to death; she completely cuts off a group of friends to start a new group and then cuts them off (cycle).

She has been divorced three times. Her second husband (my Dad) was a rescuer for my mother, and she, in turn, stroked his narcissistic ego: he being King Dad and she being the Queen Mother. My Dad is very narcissistic and is an entire topic on his own. My mother's 3rd husband was my Dad's best-friend with whom my mother had an affair. He is a passive man who takes her abuse-- and doesn't help to shelter the kids either. I have plead to my step-father for help from my mother's wrath, but he's never done anything-- rarely even said anything either. I think he was just happy it wasn't him for a change. I also think he saw a fun, happy, and excited woman during their first years together, and I believe he keeps waiting for that woman to emerge again. He hangs on to the hopes that she will return. The last time I communicated with my mother was 5 years ago, and at that point, she only had one long term relationship-- my step-father.

• People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex-- impulsiveness in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging
  

My mother is a shopaholic, and buys incredible amounts of stuff. She has purchased hundreds of hat boxes but she doesn't wear hats. She purchased hundreds of shoes but she rarely leaves the house. She has hundreds of Beanie Babies (sometimes duplicates or triplicates of some) in plastic tubs hidden all over her house. As far as the eating, she is very, very overweight and binges on food through the night. She stays up all night and sleeps all day, which BPD's often are insomniacs unable to be alone with their own thoughts through the night.

• BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.
  

My mother takes high doses of Prozac and other meds for depression.

Like many of the case studies cited in Lawson's book, my own mother behaved quite normally (and acted quite lovingly) toward me during cycles. Paranoia and rages were the other part of the cycles:

• She said if she could do it again, she wouldn't have kids
• She rarely showed affection. She would also get onto my brother and me if we said, "I love you", as she would scold us and say to only say that phrase if you REALLY mean it. She would never come to you and show affection. We would go to her for hugs and kisses. I remember trying to hold her hand in the movie theater and her pulling her hand away, looking at me funny
• She said that she has started estrangements with me to make sure that I could make it on my own (her fear of abandonment creates herself pushing me away)
• She accused me of multitudes of things I didn't do
• She viciously gossiped about me and talked about me to others in a horrible manner
• Her view of reality continues to get further and further distorted during the paranoid / rage cycle

While I truly DO feel sympathy for my mother, I do not feel empathy toward her. In my view, it is FAR too lenient to say, "Well, she simply couldn't help herself" because she could. My mother could turn her rages and sadistic behavior on & off like a light switch. She would instantly become "normal" the moment another person entered the room, called on the phone, or came to the door. My brother and I would get nauseated at how she could be so sticky sweet and truly fake. She has been this way her whole life-- and I think it's one of the reasons I never trusted or liked her, even as a very young child.

This element of self-control is the overlooked piece of the BPD puzzle. People who "suffer" from this disorder know exactly what they're doing when they behave in a sadistic manner. And they possess the genius, not only to hide it in front of other people, but to actually convince others that they are the "helpless victim" of the person whom they are targeting for such unspeakable abuse.

If you're a grown child of a BPD parent, my love and best wishes go out to you. You are a "war veteran" in every sense of the word, and your psychic landscape no doubt looks something like what's left after a bombing attack.