BPD Mother | Meddling with Our Lives (2)

I didn't mention in my last post about my step-father, and how he adds another element into the "I can't win" situation.

My step-father (my mother's husband) is my Dad's ex best-friend. He is the one that prescribed my mother Valium when my Grandmother passed away in 1977 (Fly to the Angels). My Dad and step-father (before he was my step-father of course) coached baseball together for years (his youngest son and my brother were on the same team year after year). Our families took trips together-- like to Disney World, to the lake, and so forth. Our families dined together, spent time at each others homes, and were integrated into each others lives for years and years.

During this time, my mother and this man started an affair with each other. And ultimately, he told his wife about the affair. My mother claims this is what 'forced' her to have to tell my Dad. She adds that she wouldn't have told him as she was not planning on leaving him or carrying on with the affair. Well, she did leave my Dad (You Dropped a Bomb on Me). She married this man VERY shortly thereafter (a little over a year later) and they are still married (1980 to present 2009).

My step-father was always pleasant, considerate, and helpful. He was the one that would sneak me home clothes for me to wear for my athletics when my mother expected me to buy all my clothes and toiletries with my $7 per week allowance (It's My Fault). He was the one that drove me to school. He was the one that came to my athletic events and took pictures. He was the one that cooked dinner and helped me with my homework. He was an attentive step-parent.

Now, if you have read the previous blogs, I have a Dad-- a Dad that I love. I also had just been through very turbulent times prior to the entry of my step-father into my life with my Grandparents dying in 1977 and 1978 (Fly to the Angels) then my parents going through a traumatic divorce in 1979 (You Dropped a Bomb on Me) leading to his marriage to my mother in 1980 (Home Sweet Home). So, the entry of a step-parent into my life was not during a time of clear head and stress free living.

I appreciated his efforts that he made for me. I thanked him when appropriate. I felt honored that he took interest in my life.

As far as 'replacing' my Dad, he was not a replacement. My mother was hoping and pushing for my step-father to be my Dad. She even mentioned having him adopt me and having me take on his last name (this was around the SAME time that she was pushing me to foster a relationship with my birth father). In all honesty, all of this was very confusing and disorienting if not kept in perspective: my birth father gave up his right to me to another man, for another man to raise me; my Dad is my Daddy, father, Dad and is the one who has invested his life into providing for me; my step-father is my mother's new husband, my Dad's ex best-friend. And I did keep it all in perspective.

Anyway, my mother always spoke about how much my step-father does for me and how much I should appreciate him... so much, to the point of protesting TOO MUCH. She pushed and pushed her points of what a good man he is (forgetting that HE is the one who betrayed his friend, cheated on his wife, and supposedly forced my mother into exposing the affair) and how much he loves me like his own daughter (he never said any of these things-- only she did up to the last day I spoke to her).

During the years, I had a copacetic and sometimes growing relationship with my step-father. During the mid 1990's, we was getting treated poorly by my mother (Here We Go Again). He and I talked on the phone often, even met for lunch here and there, speaking of her foul behavior toward him and how he should handle her. He was working his normal job AND running my mother's business at this point, as my mother felt too ill to work (she was in the process of being diagnosed with an auto-immune disease around this time). All the work was wearing him out, and she didn't express appreciation toward him-- only kept pushing him harder, criticizing him, and picking on everything he did. At one point he left her, and I always told him that I would support him if he wanted to confront her with her foul behavior (he never confronted her as she flies off the handle if anyone addresses her own behaviors with her. She can be quite scary).

Well, I ended up getting that package from my Dad from when he was moving (Here We Go Again). My Dad had some dishes from a dead mutual friend that my Dad and mother had back before the divorce, and my mother flew off the handle about the motives behind my Dad's package, ultimately saying I was siding with my Dad and called me a 'bitch' after I told my mother to get over it as she was divorced from him in 1979 (this was 1996). At this point, all the heat was taken off my step-father, and lo & behold, he did NOT assist me with my mother's foul behavior. He deserted me, and I ended up estranged from her for 3 years.

He was always such a push-over with my mother, taking her abuse. And this co-dependency didn't change once my mother and I started talking again in 1999 (In Through the Out Door), and I saw her back in action with him. She would talk so demeaning to his face and behind his back.

Before my beau ever asked me to marry him, I pondered how I was going to manage a wedding with such a cast of characters. I worried how I would ever be able to please my mother with how she pushed a relationship with my birth father and really pushed a relationship with my step-father, as well as demeaned and criticized my relationship with my Dad. I fretted over how I would be able to not hurt anyone's feelings, and how I would be able to include everyone and express my appreciation for them.

So, when my beau asked me to marry him, I knew I wanted my Dad to walk me down the aisle, but my mother, RIGHT OFF THE BAT, pushed how my step-father should walk me down the aisle (Little Women). She added right after that statement, that although he should walk me down the aisle, he should not have to PAY for anything in the wedding as he's not my father. WHAT!? Errr? My mother was so preoccupied with who was going to walk me down the aisle that she was forgetting that I hadn't even started to PLAN a wedding yet.

On that day that my mother and I had the falling out that lead to the present estrangement (Little Women), she started the whole discussion with a story of how my step-father was crying the night before because he wanted me to select him to walk me down the aisle. I remember being very puzzled as to (1) why my mother was telling me this (motive??) (2) how bizarre of a story this was. I didn't respond to her story, as I really didn't know what to say.

After all was said and done, she was yelling, "We're out!" and that she was going to call my birth father and tell him that he's not invited (even though no one was invited yet AS A WEDDING WASN'T EVEN PLANNED YET). Anyway, she really put me in a situation that was a no win. How in the world was I supposed to have a wedding where I had all of these 'father figures'?? And what an AWFUL situation for my Dad to have my birth father and his ex best-friend who had an affair with his wife at my wedding! What in the world is my mother thinking?

In the stream of emails that my mother shot off after she said she was 'out' of the wedding, she kept talking about all my step-father has done for me through the years, that he was more of a father to my than my own father. What my mother fails to recognize is that he is NOT my father. My step-father may be really nice, really sweet, and really good--but he is not my father. Period. My mother also decided in that stream of emails that she fired off to my friends, colleagues, fiance's family members, my Dad, and more, that I "kicked" her "out of the wedding". How can I kick her out when she wasn't even in!? Eh!? I only responded to one of her deranged emails, and in it, I asked her if she really was 'out' of the wedding as she repeated numerous times. She never addressed that.

The common theme that she has kept up since the beginning of the estrangement (which started after I called her twice, both times reaching my step-father, and asking to have her call me back, which she never did) has been that I broke her heart, that I am a liar, and that I kicked her out of my wedding. She also reiterates about how my step-father acted like my father and this is how I showed my appreciation for his years of support.

So... my step-father played a part in all of her meddling. And although my fiance called and cleared up the my mother's misstatements with my step-father, my step-father still didn't have anything to do with me once my mother went off the deep-end.

One wacky note: just before my wedding I get word that my mother contacted my birth-father's daughter (my half sister) and was trying to get a group of people together to 'crash my wedding (The Happiest Day of My Life). How crazy is that!? I had to have security watch over my wedding. How sad is that!?

My mother meddles... and keeps trying to meddle, using people around me as tools to get at me further. I keep trying to stay as far away as possible.

My God, She's Only a BABY! (2007 - 2008)

I was so happy that my Dad was making an effort to see me and my new baby. I felt like I was finally accepted and getting close to my Dad again. BUT, I couldn't help being weary of everything being so copacetic, after all I have been through my whole life with my parents treating our relationship so carelessly. Deep down in my heart of hearts, I couldn't be comfortable with the situation as I knew from experience that the rug can be pulled out in an instant. I also knew from the extenuating circumstances of my parent's divorce that I couldn't trust them-- all the love, safety, and support that my brother and I needed as developing children was ripped away at a young age. My brother and I had been essentially orphaned. So knowing this (not exactly ACCEPTING this however), but knowing this, I had a strong hunch that the cards could be flipped at any second.

An article in Cookie magazine, "Louder than Bombs" by Susan Gregory Thomas, illustrates the distinct difference between how my Dad's generation raised children and how my generation presently raises children-- and the disconnect between the two. When this disconnect is combined with my Dad's Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the combination is toxic and highly destructive. According to Reach Advisors' study, "Generation X went through its all important, formative years as one of the least parented, least nurtured in US history. Half of all Gen X children's parents split; 40 percent were latchkey kids." I can definitely attest to the lack of parenting, lack of nurturing, having parents split, and being a latchkey kid.

Now with my daughter's birth, I knew and know that I will raise her starkly different than how I was raised. Thomas' article touches on my sentiments, "The effects of the narcissistic wounds inflicted by our parents linger, subtly but powerfully, in our behavior as parents now... We are completely completely, utterly attached to our children. Generation X'ers, the parents of the majority of children now, by all accounts appear to be the most devoted to family in American history. We would generally err on the side of being too close, too involved, too loving, than repeat our own parents' sins of neglect." As you will read below, my Dad's parenting advice follows exactly with what they did as a generation, and my unwillingness to accept that type of parenting is reflective of my generation. You will also read how my Dad's Narcissistic Personality Disorder adds toxicity and dysfunction into the mix. Combine all of this with our rocky past & hurtful, and you have a recipe for disaster.

My Dad made an effort in my child's first 8 months to see her once a month. I had told both my Dad and step-mother when my daughter was born that I had an open invitation for them-- that whenever they wanted to come visit, we'd welcome them. I expressed how I will be home most, if not all, of the time, and since they travel quite a bit & have a full social life, they can come when they want, that the door is open for them. During this time, my Dad had retired and my step-mother had progressive ailments (auto-immune; ironically similar to from what my mother is suffering). My Dad also travels (for leisure) at least once a month, and sometimes more, as well is an avid golfer with a full social life. He spends time, almost daily, with his step-granddaughter (my step-sister's child born in 1998), and spends time up at his country club too.

When my Dad visited at my house during those once a month visits, times were sweet. The visits were short, but we would have 'nice' visits with happy-go-lucky conversations. On the flip side, we visited their house 5 times during my daughter's first 8 months of life, and every time we visited, comments would be made about my husband & my parenting. I know that in-laws and parents want to interject their advice, and that's all fine & dandy. The problem is HOW the advice was presented in these instances (in a mean spirited, demeaning, and demanding manner) and what the intent was (more to belittle and condemn me than anything). Additionally, my Dad was stating lies and exaggerations about my daughter and her upbringing that we couldn't bear to hear.

The main points that they harped on are:

1. that my daughter was timid when she was first around them and that she shouldn't have 'stranger anxiety' at this point because she is too, so she must have something wrong with her
2. she is going to get too attached to me because I am a stay-at-home mother and spend a lot of time with her
3. she shouldn't have a nap when visiting at their house
4. that we need to make her 'cry it out' when she's around strangers and upset so that she will get used to them.

My main bone of contention is that neither one of these individuals made much of an effort, if at all, in getting to bond or know my daughter. Very little time was spent with her, and the time that they did spend with her was either in a large group (so one-on-one contact was minimal if any or), for very short periods of time, or not in an engaged manner. They, to this day, want to put in very minimal effort but expect maximum results. They want to see her 5 times in one year for a total of approximately 10 hours total and have her running into their arms when she sees them. Human relationships don't work that way unless you are drunk at closing time at a bar.

As far as my daughter getting too much attention from me-- what is the big deal about this!? Is attention a bad thing-- ESPECIALLY when you are talking about a BABY! I had parents that were so absorbed in their own problems, activities, and lives that they didn't have time for me. I would relish having their undivided, fully devoted attention-- heck, I have been searching for that practically my entire life. So, if someone wants to find FAULT for being attentive to their baby, they have issues of their own, and they are seeking to find something to criticize.

In regard to napping and crying it out (CIO), my way of raising my daughter is my way-- actually our way (my husband and me). My parents had their chance to raise their children, now it's my time. We can have differences in opinion, that's fine. But to continually harp on the same issues time and time again, the intent of the advice becomes questioned-- are they truly caring or are they picking, judging, and criticizing? Even after I point out why we are doing what we are doing (ie: what the pediatrician recommends, what the books say, etc), they are still not satisfied, and they say that what the experts say is wrong.

The peak of these occurrences was when we attended a summer family gathering (my daughter being 6 months old at the time). The following is an email excerpt that I wrote to a friend about the occurrence:

Anyway, after arriving at the reunion, we walked up to the pavilion, my husband holding our daughter. I went to put things down at a picnic bench. Meanwhile, our daughter was immediately overwhelmed by the plethora of people (big eyes). My step-mom proceeded to take her out of my husband's arms. My daughter started to cry. My step-mom then said to my husband and everyone around (I wasn't around), "If you get her out more, she wouldn't be like this" and then she took her solo down to the lake. This put my daughter into a panic, and she screamed. And screamed. And screamed. Finally my step-mom brought her back. My daughter was hyperventilating and scarlet in the face because she cried so hard.

Bottom line, my step-mother (and Dad) are all about APPEARANCES and since our baby can't play the game or be manipulated and acts only on how she actually FEELS, our baby cried, which embarrassed my step-mother and Dad. See, in the past, they have been able to manipulate and control situations with promises of money, things, and so forth. But when you have a baby, actions and reactions are pure-- and raw behavior is revealed on both sides.

We went to their house for Thanksgiving and Christmas, however, and both times, I felt awful when I left. I felt like I was being judged, criticized, and picked at-- and worse that our daughter, A BABY, was being judged, criticized, and picked at. Treating me like this is one thing, but to treat an innocent child like this is TERRIBLE. Truly this where I started giving some very serious thought to how I was treated as a child, how I feel now as an adult when I leave from visiting with them, and effects of all of this on our daughter.

During 2008, my Dad continued to gossip about my husband, daughter, and me to my brother and step-brother, which infuriated me. And even though I expressed my desire is for unconditional love for my daughter and reiterated about the 'open invitation' to visit, my Dad only saw my daughter FIVE TIMES in 2008 (my husband's parents who live thousands & thousands of miles away saw her 3x as much as my Dad who lives less than an hour away!). Three of the visits were large gatherings with lots of people so he had very minimal bonding time with her. Two of the visits were lunches with him, one at the park for an hour and one at a shopping mall for a little over an hour. My daughter was very shy to him on all occasions as he is essentially a stranger to him, but he continually harped that he couldn't hold her (he did, actually, but keeps telling people that he couldn't. In fact, he has kept exaggerating that fact to now telling people that he hasn't held her since she was THREE DAYS OLD. I don't understand why he WANTS to make things looks badly. Puzzles me).

In January 2008, my step-brother came for a visit. My Dad ended up gossiping a great deal to him about my daughter, my husband, and me to the point that the negativity drove my step-brother to tell me details. I was hurt and angry-- and SO VERY UPSET about my innocent child being drug into this toxicity. She is so innocent and unknowing of all the garbage going on around her. And the more that this stuff goes on, the more it becomes clear that I need to cut contact with my Dad and step-mother. See subsequent blog post: What Makes my Narcissistic Dad Tick.

Kathy Krajco states in What Makes Narcissists Tick, "Narcissists are gossips. They eagerly listen to and spread slander. They are self-righteous finger-pointers, pulling the same stunt Lucifer did in the old Gnostic myth about Lucifer coming before God everyday and accusing the other angels of being bad. The result was "war in high places" until the good angels, lead by St. Michael the Archangel, cast down Lucifer (now called "Satan," that is, "the slanderer") to the status they deserve. Narcissists can make it sound like a virtue, but giving others a bad name isn't a good deed. Even if the report is true, it cannot possibly be done in the spirit of goodwill unless it is done in true witness -- that is, responsible witness, on the record, not behind the back. Just because the badmouth perfumes his speech with words like love and Christian and concern and for the sake of our children (always the justification when there is no justification) and sports a halo does not change the spirit in which slander is done. If you know that narcissists are inveterate character assassins, it's easy to spot them. A narcissist has a trail of trashed good names and careers in his wake. He will even have told you strange and terrible lies about the people in his own immediate family. If you know the person he is telling you something strange about, compare the accusation with your own observations. A narcissist will have ignored that person's real faults and smeared one of his or her virtues as a vice! And, if you know the narcissist, you'll find the narcissist himself is guilty of the very thing he's accusing this other person of. "

My Dad does not, and has not ever admitted to himself that he hasn't invested time in getting to know his granddaughter; therefore his granddaughter views him as a stranger. He would rather say something is wrong with her-- that she's 'not normal'. Hoping to educate my Dad and step-mothers' about a baby's stranger anxiety and to allude to the fact that my step-brother informed me of my Dad's gossiping, I sent my Dad and step-mother an email regarding stranger anxiety and the grandparent:

I have more resources (websites, books, & periodicals) if you would like additional information on the topic; however, this is just a sampling of the information regarding stranger anxiety in infants starting around 6 months old. I pulled out some of the quotes from the various websites and put them in purple italics. Some of the reading touches on Grandparents in regard to stranger anxiety. If you have any questions, I will be happy to try to answer them for you. 

Well, the indirect method didn't work. My Dad emails back as follows (keep in mind this email was originally sent when she was almost 12 months old and that at the time of this blog entry she is 21 months old, which my Dad has held her all the way to this time. Additionally, keep in mind that the two of them never asked to have my daughter over for a visit (they only saw her 5 times total in 2008!)):

I was extremely disappointed that I have not been able to hold my granddaughter since she was about 3 months old. And especially as a grandparent, it is very hard to deal with. We have always hoped we could have her for a few days, both for us and to give you guys a break. But there is no way this would ever work. You can send me all the web-sites you want and quote all the "experts" you can find, but the bottom line is that we can't hold our granddaughter, and that has been going on for about 9 months now. I'm sorry but that is not normal. I am sure she will "grow" out of this someday, but I fear that the longer the time goes on, the more effect it will have on her in later years.

The entire email was full of lies and exaggerations, and not wanting to split hairs & go back and forth with my Dad, I sent him this:

You should have no concerns as we are my daughter's parents, and we are very in-touch with her & her emotions. We are confident that she is a healthy and normal 11 month old. We are more than happy to have you over more often (an open invitation has always been extended) and with less people so that you can bond with her; however, we are very upset by how you are currently treating the situation. Additionally, we are offended by being told my daughter is not "normal", and we don't want to subject her to that. Bottom-line, we disagree with you and what you think is a "problem". We have differences in opinions which is what makes world go round, so let's move on. We want you part of our lives but in a healthy, positive way. Simply put, you will be able to hold my daughter if time is invested getting to know her.

His response was that I should take advice from him because he's been doing this for longer than me (I can't BELIEVE he would say that! After all that was screwed up, messed up, and crazy from my childhood onward, that he would have the audacity to say that he knows how to raise a child!?), and he repeated that my daughter's reactions to others is not normal (again not taking accountability for the lack of time and effort invested in getting to know his grand-daughter!). Then he quoted the Bible saying, "For my name's sake I will defer mine anger, and for my praise will I refrain for thee, that I cut thee not off". His response was bizarre (there's that word again!) and sounding very much like my step-mother.

Every child is different, and every child will react to others in different ways. A 3 month old or a 6 month old or a 1 year old or a 30 year old do not have a pat response to situations. To say something is wrong with the child is a sad way to handle the situation. Having my daughter grow up thinking that her responses aren't 'normal' is not healthy. As adults, they need to recognize these are little human beings, extremely new to this world, and it's up to us to make them feel comfortable and safe. If they spent more time getting to know my daughter and the way she needs to be approached, then they would receive the benefits. It's not up to my daughter-- she is acting like a normal & typical child figuring out the world around her. Children are built with protective devices and these instincts are developed from birth-- it what makes them safe.

Seems as if my Dad only looks at the glass as half empty as he sees everything with negativity. Instead of saying 'thanks' for the effort of providing & sending the resources, that obviously I care about what is going on, he looks at the situation as a personal assault. I am continually realizing that no matter what I do or how I do it, I cannot win.

When my daughter's first birth rolled, my Dad & step-mother showed up for her 1st birthday party late and left early. They were distant to my daughter, warm to her friend, and rude to my friends. My heart was breaking seeing my happy little daughter having fun on her birthday with her "Papa & Gram" treating the day like the UPS man dropping off a package. They don't care about HER. They don't care about the event. They care about appearances, getting at me, and getting at my husband. I was relieved when they left, and we could relax with our friends who REALLY wanted to celebrate this momentous occasion with us.

My Dad didn't contact me on Easter. He didn't send an Easter card to my daughter-- he didn't even call her. Things are getting worse. He obviously doesn't care. This is not the way that someone acts who cares. Period.

My Dad didn't come out to the house for one of his solo visits between September 2007 and April 2008. That April 2008 visit was very strained and distant. He wanted to 'talk' and so I did. I told him how uncomfortable I feel being constantly judged and criticized, how I feel badly when I leave their house, and how I simply wish for unconditional love for my child. I reiterated about the 'open invitation' to our house, and I also reiterated how I would be happy to meet him for lunch since he's now retired, at his house, somewhere in between like at a park or mall. His comments focused on how I need to take advice from him and step-mother because they are parents and grandparents. He said that he is insulted when we don't take his advice. I responded that I have to be able to raise my child the best that we decide. Anyway, I left even this visit with a bad feeling in my gut.

We were invited at the last minute (3 days prior) to a Father's Day event at my Dad's house, and we had to decline as we already had plans for my husband / my daughter's Daddy. We were also invited to a July 4th celebration, but my husband's family was coming in town & we had tickets for an event. My Dad forgot my birthday, again. He also forgot my husband's. Then we had an invite to a Labor Day cook-out but our family vacation was already reserved. My Dad emails:

We're all disappointed you can't make it. I think I'm getting a complex, Easter, Memorial Day, fourth of July, Labor Day, all turned down. You know we always try to get family together on holidays, b'days, etc. but it seems like you make plans instead of checking with us first. I think when I get back we should meet and have a talk, what do you think?

I respond:

We are back (from our family vacation) due to me having the stomach flu. I am very sick. I haven't been this sick in years. I should be in bed, but quite frankly this email is upsetting to me. No need to get a complex. Seriously: no invitation, late invitation, or visitors have been the reason for not getting together on certain holidays. We would love to see you too. However, I really don't think I should have to explain everything below, but I don't like myself / my family to take the blame:

• We weren't invited to do anything on Easter.
• As far as Memorial Day, we weren't invited to your place. You and I emailed AFTER the holiday, where I asked what you did and I told you about our trip.
• We were invited 3-days prior to Father's Day, which I had already planned a Father's Day retreat
• Fourth of July, the in-laws visited us for the weekend (18 hour drive down & back with tickets to an event)
• And Labor Day, you invited us, as you wrote, knowing "this is late notice" (2-days prior to us leaving for our trip).

So, either no contact, late contact, or visitors has caused the inability to get together. Nothing else on my end-- unless you are not saying something on your end. If you want to talk about the holidays, give me a call. Like I have reiterated since my daughter's birth, you have an Open Invitation to come visit at any time. Also as I have mentioned before, we can meet you half way, meet you for lunch, or even come to your house. And as far as holidays, if you are moving back into having family get-togethers after telling me you are not due to my step-mother's health, then let me know. 

His response:

Sorry you were so sick, but hopefully you are over it now. Not any fun. I think you missed my point- you know we are always late with invites- that's just the way we are. My point was, knowing that, I thought you would call before making plans to see if we were up to anything. I'm just sorry you miss some of our gatherings. As for the "open invitation", I guess we just don't do that very well.

So, I am supposed to accept that they are inconsiderate, "late with invites" (what about forgetting birthdays? major holidays? thinking you invited us but didn't?) . I am suppose to suck it up and allow being treated like a 2nd rate person-- not important enough to be treated with respect and decency? And my husband's parents are supposed to call to get clearance that my Dad & step-mother don't have plans before coming for July 4th before they are allowed to come for a visit!? (To jump to Christmas 2008, my Dad does this again to my husband's parents). And I am suppose to accept my Dad making minimal effort to see my daughter (seeing her a total of 10 hours in 2008) because he's late with invites AND doesn't "do well" with open invitations to visit.

I ended up going shopping with my step-mother a month after all of this transpired. Everything was cordial, but my daughter was stand-off-ish with her. At this point, my daughter is around 20 months old and hadn't seen "Gram" since in NINE MONTHS. I delivered all the presents from all the events we missed or weren't invited to... and my step-mother apologized for missing my birthday (and my husband's) and wrote us a check. She said that the time around our birthdays was just too busy and the birthdays "slipped by" them.

Now we are heading into the holidays...

Drama for the Momma (2006 - 2007)

Life was sweet and full of fun times for my new husband and me. And we decided it was time to add a member to our family. We tried on Memorial Day weekend, and to our surprise, we had a baby girl on the way. My Dad was thrilled when we presented him & my step-mother the news at church on Father's Day. They acted like they wanted to be involved with the events, and we tried our best to keep them included with the developments.

My husband had wanted to change jobs, so I had been looking online for him. After about a year of searching, submitting resumes, and answering ads, he had an interview that really suited him well. The job change news was very good news as the job meant more hours for my husband at home (and with a baby on the way, that's GREAT), more money, better job conditions with less stress, and job advancement. The move would be about an hour north of where we were living at the time-- and about an additional 15 minute drive to my Dad's house.

A side note here is that my Dad and step-mother had voiced that they wanted us to move closer to them-- like in their town. I had searched for positions for my husband in all places, and didn't restrict the search in any way. The fact of the matter, no positions were available where they live, so he wasn't able to interview or take a position in their town.

My husband decided to accept the position, and he decided rather than telling my Dad and step-mother about the news over the phone, he would wait to tell them in person at a family fall picnic. To our surprise and dismay, they were upset, VERY upset, about the news. They were upset that he chose to tell them at the picnic (and ruin their time), and they were upset that we would be living farther away from them (even thought its only 15 minutes or less). They were also upset that we didn't ask my step-sister to be our Realtor. We were completely shocked and taken back by their reaction. And this is still an issue to this day! Their viewpoints don't make any sense, are completely selfish, and the epitome of controlling.

In regard to using my step-sister as our Realtor, she had never sold a home, she didn't know our area of town (she lived an hour away), she was always late for all events (personal or professional), and my Dad had set the precedent that family and business don't mix (when he opened his own business and flat-out stated that family will never work for or with family). Regardless, when my husband announced at the family picnic that he had a new job and that we would be moving, my step-sister didn't offer her services. She didn't ask us if we had contracted with a Realtor yet (which we hadn't). She didn't ask ANYTHING related to us selling or buying a home.

So, here I am pregnant with my Dad, step-mother, and step-sister upset with my husband and me. Will this drama EVER end!? My step-sister went so far as to hold Thanksgiving Dinner this particular year and tell my Dad that my husband & I aren't invited. My Dad, at first, said he wouldn't accept not seeing me on Thanksgiving, but after time went on, he caved and went along with my step-sister's wishes. He told me that my step-sister and her husband were over at his house talking about the situation, and that he is sick of hearing about it. I told him that he's putting himself in the middle, and that if he doesn't want to be, that he should direct my step-sister to talk to my husband and me-- after all, we are the ones she has beef with.

My Dad wanted to set up a time for us "to have a talk". Why couldn't he just talk to me over the phone? It's all about control. He was damned and determined that everything is my fault, that my step-sister is once again the innocent, and that he needs to intervene. I was almost 8 months pregnant, meeting my Dad "to have a talk" about how awful I am, how I should have moved closer, how I should have used my step-sister as a Realtor, and how I need to apologize. I didn't cave, however, and I made my point that we were left out on Thanksgiving and how my step-sister is continually drumming up drama & I don't want a part of it. The talk was insulting, and I left feeling terrible. See subsequent blog post: My Dad, the Narcissistic King.

My husband and I completed the move, unpacked, and tried to settle in before Christmas. By the time Christmas rolled around, my Dad and the rest of the motley crew acted like nothing happened. Everyone was nicey-nicey. In fact, we were thrown a baby shower in January 2007, and everyone had their happy faces on, being all nicey-nicey again.

I started to develop gestational hypertension and had to stay on bed-rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. My Dad and step-mother never came to the house to visit or help. In fact, my Dad and step-mother took a vacation out of the country (planned after we announced the pregnancy) just a week before she was born. Both of them were concerned that she would be born while they were gone, which left my husband and I puzzled as to why they planned the trip when they did in the first place.

I ended up having a c-section, and when the date & time were set, my Dad and step-mother stated they wanted to be there to see me off before the delivery. My husband and I arrive for the surgery, at the time that was specified, but my Dad and step-mother weren't there. We had to wait in a waiting area for a period of time before being taken back for pre-op. Apparently they showed up to see me off for delivery, but we were already back for pre-op. They asked to be taken back to pre-op to see me, but visitors were off limits. They described how they argued with the staff but weren't able to see me.

My daughter was born, and my Dad & step-mother were the first to see her other than my husband & me. They seemed supportive, loving, and excited about the new arrival-- they even came out to our house with dinner a week after she was born! My Dad actually was making an effort to visit on a regular basis, and I was truly thinking that the birth of my child was a new beginning for my Dad and me. I was wrong. Our relationship actually began to get worse-- much worse than ever. And this time is where his narcissism started to shine even brighter.

The Happiest Day of My Life (2005)

Wedding plans were a focus at the beginning of this year. The wedding was planning for the end of April, so decisions were being made and arrangements detailed. Having my mother flip out made the wedding easier to plan in one respect, but made it hard in other respects. My mother was telling people that she was going to "crash" my wedding and she continuing to tell people I "kicked" her out of the wedding. She was trying to organize a group of people to show up the day of my wedding to "crash" it, so to be safe, we arranged to have security officers present. I had to let them know what she looked like as well as any other person that may be tagging along with her. How bizarre, AGAIN.

I should have been focusing on the happy, joyful, and beautiful aspects of getting married to the man of my dreams-- but I had to consume myself with planning for the worst with my mother. Knowing how she has gone off the deep end in the past, I wouldn't put anything past her. I also had concerns about my brother not attending due to my step-sister's accusations-- and my Dad telling me that my brother wouldn't be allowed to attend if he didn't rectify the situation to my step-mother's and step-sister's satisfaction. I was very angry that my Dad was trying to control my life still, on a day that should be all about ME and my FIANCE. If I tried to approach the topic with my Dad, that I want my brother there no matter what, he would change the subject or say that it's all up to my brother ("he knows what he has to do", my Dad would say over and over).

Such a dark cloud was placed over me during a time of such happiness. As much as I tried to enjoy myself, I would be knocked down with news about my mother, my step-sister, my step-mother, father... and as much as I would try to shake it, I couldn't. I was surrounded by these negative factors that I couldn't pull myself out of unless we just planned to elope. My fiance had always dreamed of having his father as his best man, so I certainly didn't want to ask him to give that up. And the wedding had gotten too far into the planning stage to elope. So, the show must go on.

My step-mother was about as supportive as a gnat, meeting me for lunch to tell me that I have to just think that my mother is dead. She even said that I should wish for her to be dead as that is the best thing that could happen to me. The audacity of this lady! And then when we had our rehearsal, my step-sister AND step-mother had the audacity to ask me where my brother is, and they acted surprised to hear he wasn't coming. Yea, right, like they didn't know. They were the driving force behind him NOT being present. Do they think I am stupid!?

The wedding went off without a hitch. My mother didn't show up with her entourage to crash the wedding. I lamented about my brother not being present, but he was in my heart and soul. I was in heaven, dancing with my new husband, enjoying ourselves in one of our favorite locations, and thinking of our bright future ahead. We had a sunny honeymoon and thoroughly enjoyed our new lives as husband and wife.

Little Women (2004)

Little women full of big toxic dysfunction...

Before any wedding could even be thought of, I had a graduation to attend. I graduated with a masters a week after I got engaged-- with honors and several ceremonies over three days. I was able to arrange to have my mother attend two days of ceremonies (Thank You Ceremony, Honor Society Induction, and Hooding Ceremony), and then have my father & step-mother attend the school's graduation.

The Thank You Ceremony was on a Saturday. My mother met my fiance & me at the house, and we drove over together. The ceremony was my opportunity to thank those in my life who supported me during my college years. The MC started the ceremony by saying that the purpose of the night was thank those who have supported you through your college years as nobody can do it on their own-- that everybody has a support system. The MC told a story about a turtle that couldn't get to the top of the pole without help. Everybody has someone to thank. The MC gave CLEAR instructions on how the ceremony was to proceed: the student thanks the person/people he/she wants to honor, a certificate is handed to them, and then the group exits the stage so that the next group can do their presentation. The auditorium was filled so the ceremony could last a lengthy time.

The ceremony progressed with the student thanking their respective party and leaving the stage after a hug & certificate given to the honoree. Time and time again, the student thanked their supporter, the supporter took the certificate, and the group left the stage. When my turn came, I took my mother and my fiance on stage and started with a brief opening statement, then I thanked my fiance and then I thanked my mother. When I handed my mother her certificate and went to hug her, she whispered to me, "I'm going to say something now". My heart dropped to my feet-- here we go again with the social inappropriateness! I begged her with BIG EYES and saying, “No, please don’t. Please no”. But she went ahead.

My mother got in front of all those people and said that her daughter got to the top of the pole by herself and didn't need help-- basically contradicting the exact purpose of the ceremony! She continued saying that her daughter is the one that helps other turtles get to the top of the pole but that she is independent herself. MY HEAD WAS SPINNING. And I could tell my the looks from my beau that he was shocked and appalled. My head spun from this for days, weeks, months... I couldn't believe that she had to call attention to herself in a situation where every other person / group CLEARLY didn't do as she did. "The borderline's need for attention is so out of control and pathetic that it is frightening. Others are embarrassed for her. The Queen's behavior elicits embarrassment about her need for recognition, attention, and control" p 255 Lawson.

That following Tuesday, I had warned my mother (who was rather weak and feeble at this point) that the two ceremonies (Honors Induction and Hooding Ceremony) would be in two separate locations on campus so using her wheel chair would be highly recommended. I also let her know that there would be a reception following the Hooding Ceremony for professors, graduates, and families. I was looking forward to introducing her to the faculty, my co-workers, and colleagues.

The day arrived for the Honor Society Induction and Hooding Ceremony. My mother met me at the house, and we (beau, mother, and me) left together. The induction went smoothly. My mother decided not to use her wheel chair, so she walked over with my beau and one of my friends to the Hooding Ceremony. I separated from them as I had to get ready for the procession into the auditorium.

Once I entered the auditorium and took my seat, I found where my beau, friend, and mother were sitting in the stands. She started giving me looks like when is this thing going to end, and she was rolling her eyes and acting bored. When the ceremony ended, the reception followed, but my mother acted completely famished, exhausted, and spent so my fiance went across campus to get the car and we skipped the reception. I was very disappointed but I understood she didn't feel good... or did she??

Once we got back to the house, my mother was like a different person. She was all energetic and wanting to order pizza, watch the video of my ceremony, and chat with my friend & beau. Was the onset of the ill feelings real or did she just want to leave my ceremonies? She didn't want to use the wheel chair, yet she knew she couldn't endure being on her feet for any length of time. She also knew the agenda for the day / evening, so why did she cop-out on what I had worked so hard to achieve-- my day in the sun.

Well, my school's graduation was two days after the other ceremonies. My Dad and step-mother arrived, witnessed, and then took my beau & me out to lunch. They had a nice time meeting my friends, taking pictures, and having refreshments at the reception. A stark difference to my mother's behavior.

After graduation, I started helping my mother around her house. During the past few years, my step-father had his mother move into the house as she had Alzheimer's and kidney failure. My step-father and mother took care of her estate, moving most of her belongings into their house. As a result of not being orderly to begin with, then adding all of the other things to the mix, the house was a complete disaster, so I volunteered my assistance while looking for a job. My assistance was intended for moving large objects, heavy things, and doing things that a sickly woman like herself couldn't accomplish, or organizing and sorting which my step-father wasn't fond of doing.

I was surprised that my mother enlisted me to clean a THIMBLE collection, scrub toilets, organize hundreds of HAT BOXES, thousands of FLIP FLOPS, countless BEANIE BABIES, and other bizarre things. Clearly she didn't want to do these things-- it's not that she couldn't. Granted, some of the stuff she was not capable of, but she spent an inordinate amount of time sleeping and staying up late on the computer-- not cleaning or taking care of her house.

The odd collections were disturbing as she was appearing to be a hoarder and a person with a shopping addiction. She had things stashed and hidden all over the house... and she wouldn't get rid of anything. She still had her dead mother's clothes in the downstairs bedroom (if you recall my grandmother passed in 1977-- this is now 2004). "Borderlines hide their purchases. Shopping and hoarding can be an obsession. The act of acquiring and controlling what is hers provides temporary relief from feelings of emptiness" p 114 - 115 Lawson.

I kept my mouth shut, worked the best I could given the parameters, and I made a distinct difference in the house: making shelves for the hat boxes, clearing out rooms to be usable, gutting the garage, cleaning the house of years worth of dust & grime.

One day when I was getting supplies from a local hardware store, my mother went with me for the ride. As we were driving up the street, she asked me out of the blue, "Who are you going to have you walk up the aisle?". I hadn't talked to her about ANY wedding thoughts, ideas, plans, or anything knowing that the subject would be a touchy one figuring my wedding would involve her AND my Dad... and we know how that goes. My heart bounced off the floor, ricocheted off the ceiling, and smacked me in the face. I answered that I hadn't given it thought yet. She then said that my step-father should be the one to walk me down the aisle since he's the one that has always been there for me. She also added that he shouldn't be expected to pay for any of the wedding since he's not my father. What!? Errr, say that again? Then she asked me about my Dad, if I had told him about my engagement. I told her yes, that I had been in contact with him, and that he even offered to contribute to the wedding. She then said that doesn't give him the right to walk you down the aisle. From there, I asked if she thought it was fair that he contribute to the wedding but not be involved. My mother responded that it is fair considering how my step-father has been more of a father to me. I was breathless, and shot out of the car once we got to the hardware store. I immediately called my fiance. I knew that this was only the SURFACE of the rage that she was going to throw my way about the wedding if things didn't go the way she wanted. See subsequent posts: Adult Children of Parental Alienation and Borderline Mother Alienates Daughter

A week or two later, I was outside on her deck polishing silver when she, out of the blue, started telling me about my step-father crying in the middle of the night, telling her that he wants so much to walk me down the aisle. I was completely baffled. I didn't say anything, and I just kept polishing silver. She continued with saying that if anyone had the right to walk me down the aisle, it's my step-father, and how I should ask him to walk me down. I could feel my adrenalin flowing as I was being put in a situation I cannot win. She wants to walk me down the aisle, she is telling me a pitiful story about how my step-father wants to walk me down the aisle, and she knows that my Dad is contributing to the wedding & will want to walk his daughter down the aisle as the Father of the Bride. I have spent endless hours thinking of how NOT to hurt anyone's feelings (long before my fiance ever asked me to marry him, I pondered how I would handle this situation), how to incorporate everyone to make everyone happy, how to make the wedding as peaceful as possible... and I hadn't even made a single plan yet! The wedding wasn't even in its planning stage!

Well, as my mother kept laying on the guilt trip thick about my step-father walking me down the aisle, my head started to spin more and more. I finally blurted out, "Fine. We will have two ceremonies. We have talked about it and we will have two ceremonies. We will have one with my Dad which he can contribute to, and we can have another with you guys".

She commented about how my step-father shouldn't have to pay for anything, so I suggested having a celebration at her house. She then shouted to my step-father who was inside, "We're out! We're out!".

I asked, "What!? You're out? Out of what?".

At that point, my step-father opened the door, and my mother said, "We are out of the wedding".

I responded with, "How can you be out of the wedding when you weren't even in it in the first place? We don't have any plans yet!".

She was like a different person. All the love and affection was gone, replaced with rage and animosity. My friend came to pick me up at that point, and when he walked in, my mother turned on that fake person, acting all nice and smiling.

As I walked to the car, I burst into tears. I knew that was it. I knew that was the last time I would see her, that we were headed into another estrangement, this one bigger than any before. I spent that night over beers with my friend. He had my mother figured out and talking to him really cleared my head. One word summarized my mother, he said, "Evil".

The next day, I called and talked to my step-father, telling him that I wouldn't be over to clean their house. I asked him to have my mother call me. She didn't. I called back again, asking him to have her call me. Again, she didn't. My fiance also called and talked to my step-father, which they said that we all needed to sit down and talk. Additionally, my fiance cleared up some lies that my mother had told him. But my mother never called.

Instead, within the next few days, my mother began a campaign of emails, sent not just to me, but to my Dad (copied to my fiance's family who he had never met), my fiance's family, my fiance, my college colleagues, my personal friends, and more. She said things about me to paint me in the worst light possible. She exaggerated facts. She outright lied. She said personal things about me that are none of anyone's business. I don't understand why a mother would want to be so mean and cruel to their child. See subsequent blog post: Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage

I also don't understand how a mother, who was just singing her daughter's praises at a graduation just TWO MONTHS earlier could think such awful thoughts of her child so quickly-- how she could have such a complete turn around in her thinking. “Borderlines distort the truth because their perceptions are distorted. Distortion is an unconscious way of processing information that reflects the individual’s reality. Distortion misleads and aggravates family members, who may take a borderline’s statement at face value before discovering the facts.

The borderline enlists others as allies against the person who is the target of her rage. She may seek out friends, family members (including siblings and children), and co-workers of her victim in whom to confide fabricated stories designed to discredit her enemy. She intentionally leaves out discussion of her own behavior, presenting the other person's behavior as entirely unjustified. Others may believe the allegations because of the intensity of her emotion. Misinformation is calculated and constructed in order to destroy the victim's reputation. Those who do not know the true situation may not notice the inconsistencies in the story. It's difficult to verify the truth because the intensity of her emotions dissuades others from asking details" p 141 Lawson.

Fortunately, the people that she emailed these rants to simply deleted them for the most part. I received phone calls from people asking why my mother was acting so erratically and why she was slandering me. I explained the situation briefly, and the consensus was that she's crazy (most people knew my history with my mother). My fiance responded one time, and I responded one time. My fiance's family never responded, but to this day, they still exchange Christmas cards (bizarre). She's convinced a few people that I am a hateful, mean, and cruel person, and I can't do anything about it (nor do I care to because if these few chose to believe her, I am not going to campaign to convince them otherwise). "The Queen borderline's adult children must understand that those with healthy mothers cannot imagine the manipulativeness of the borderline Queen. Others therefore assume that the child, rather than the mother, is the selfish one" p 253 Lawson.

I really couldn't battle with her thinking as she was damned and determined to think I am hateful, mean, and doing everything in my power to hurt her. She was telling people that I kicked her out of the wedding, that I was ripped her heart out of her chest, that I don't love her. I responded one time with what my intent was and how I want her in my wedding one way or another, and when she said that she was "out", did she mean it. I told her if she didn't mean it, to let me know, and we could discuss the wedding options. She never responded to that question, but continued to shoot me emails about everything else under the sun.

In regard to the borderline mother and an announcement of marriage, I found this passage particularly haunting, "When the daughter of a borderline Queen announced that she was getting married, her mother insisted on planning the wedding as if it were her own. The daughter wanted a simple, private ceremony as opposed to her mother's desire for a large, lavish wedding. Because her daughter insisted on a simple ceremony, the Queen mother refused to attend the wedding, complaining to extended family members that her daughter had 'shut her out of her life'" p 253 Lawson. When I read this passage, I freaked out as this is almost identical to what happened to me with my mother. I was breathless as I realized that others have been through exactly what I have.

To this day, I haven't spoken to her again. "The borderline mother is powerless over adults who use their power to disappear " p 281 Lawson. "The single greatest power adult children possess is their ability to get away" p 283 Lawson.

Shortly after this upheaval with my mother, I had lunch with my step-mother, and she said I should wish her dead. WHAT!? What is with these people in my life!? I don't wish my mother dead. I don't wish anyone dead. What in the world is my step-mother thinking telling me that!? My mother may be inappropriate. My mother may be seriously misguided. My mother's thinking may be crazy. BUT SHE IS STILL MY MOTHER. How cruel and harsh is it for this lady to say that to a person who is trying to handle a fresh estrangement with her mother during a time that should be the happiest in her life!? WOW.

There was another incident when my fiance and I were over at my Dad and step-mother's house when my step-mother had been drinking pretty heavily. My Dad and fiance were in the other room, while my step-mother and I were in the breakfast room. We were talking about this and that, and at some point she asked me about my mother. I answered that I had no idea, that she and I hadn't spoken still. My step-mother took me into a different room, father from my fiance, and started to tell me that I needed to start therapy. I stated that I was doing fine, that my friends are better than any therapist. I also said that if she and my Dad would open up about the past, that would be the best therapy I could ask for. She asked why I was so resistant to the idea of a therapist. I said that I am not resistant to a therapist at all-- but that I am not in need of one, as I have my situation with my mother handled. She said that I will have issues when I am older, and that she doesn't want me to have to go through that. I reassured her that I am fine, that my friends have been with me through the years and are able to support me more than a therapist who only knows what I am able to tell him/her. Again, my step-mother asked why I am resisting her. I finally had enough with the alcohol induced, whispery demands coming from her lips, and I got my fiance to leave.

Her approach was not of someone who was concerned-- not by any stretch of the imagination. She has never acted like she cared about me in the past, why now? She never does acts of unselfishness, so what's this all about? I think she has HUGE amounts of baggage carried over from her own mother, and she thinks she can project her issues onto me. She also has always been intimidated by my toughness, ability to land on my feet, and for making sound decisions (after all, her daughter drops out of college, has wedding planned and paid for by them that she abandons to run off to Vegas with another guy while drunk, gets knocked up and spends the next SEVEN years in their house with her kid while not working). The biggest factor, however, is how much I look like my mother, and she dislikes me for that.

Somewhere around this time, my step-sister decides to tell my Dad and her mother that piece of information she confided in me back in 2001 (My step-sister, one night when we were out with our significant others, pulled me aside and told me some pretty alarming news about her childhood that involved my brother and step-brother. She gave very little detail with her main point letting me know that this 'memory' came out in therapy. I was actually FLOORED when she broke this news to me, and she begged that I tell no one. So, I didn't. I did, however, think about what she had to say, which it just didn't add up (especially if you've known her, seen how she's conducted herself, and how everyone is to blame for her shortcomings)). The results of her revealing these lost memories have have devastating to the family. Obviously she "spilled the beans" to her step-father and mother for selfish reasons-- why else would she run to "Mommy & Daddy" when she's in her 30's? Her actions were obviously calculated and manipulative, and she pretty much got what she wanted-- my brother and her brother to be ostracized from the family. She also got her "Daddy" (step-father) to be alienated from his own son, and she also got the drama she was seeking.

I spoke at great lengths to my Dad about her actions-- how she has continually blamed other people for her short-comings her entire life, and now she is blaming these two brothers for other problems in her life. I spoke to my Dad about how she targets family members methodically when she doesn't have things going her way. I spoke to Dad about how negative and unhappy she is, and how she is finding comfort getting attention abet from a damaging situation. My Dad agreed with me all on accounts but still was stuck between a rock & a hard place because he is married to her mother; therefore, he has to keep peace. I couldn't believe it. Here we go again. The choice between my brother (his son) and his wife AGAIN, and he's going to chose his wife with no fight for his son.

The repercussions of my step-sister's revelation spilled over into all areas, including the ability for my brother to attend my wedding. My Dad told my brother that he would have to clear things up with my step-sister and step-mother before he could attend my wedding. WHAT!? What does my step-sister's diarrhea of the mouth have anything to do with MY WEDDING?? Nothing! Here my Dad is trying to control what is going on-- AGAIN. Here my step-sister has power-- AGAIN. Here I am being disregarded AGAIN by my Dad. See subsequent blog entry: My Dad, the Narcissistic King.

When speaking to my brother, he said he would do what he had to so that he could attend my wedding. I asked him not to compromise himself or his principles. I also reiterated that we are not children, so our Dad cannot tell us where we can go and where we can't; therefore, my brother can attend my wedding even without the approval of my Dad. I also commented that I truly understood if he felt uncomfortable with the entire situation and didn't want to come. I wanted him at my wedding MORE THAN ANYONE else, but here again, just like we were little, we were presented with a situation where we had to chose between parents, chose between people, chose between this or that because our parents forced the decision... a decision that should have never even been.

A New Day Has Come (2000 - 2004)

Year 2000 was significant because I found my husband that year-- in May. My life was to completely change at that point, and although we didn't marry until 2005, my life started to change from the moment we met. I felt in control. I knew what I wanted. I felt empowered. I had the unconditional and honest love of another human being.

We moved in together after a very short time, and I know my mother felt that she didn't have the control that she had before, such as trying to dictate how I spent my Monday nights. She tried to get in the good graces of my new beau, but he's not one to play nicey-nicey. You have to earn his respect and attention.

When my beau's parents came for a visit, my mother and step-father met us all for dinner. In earlier posts, I commented about my mother's lack of social graces, and she was at her finest this particular dinner. My beau's mother had confided in my mother that she was on an anti-depressant. My mother, having no couth, brings up the subject at the fine-dining dinner table for all to hear. I was cringing! I couldn't believe how she carelessly spoke about private matters in front of people she just met and about a subject that is obviously one that my beau's mother was coming to terms with. During times like these, I would try to interject and change the topic... or crawl under the table. Although my mother tries to make people feel "comfortable" by filling the gaps in conversation with her own voice, she ends up making people feel uncomfortable by talking about things she shouldn't, being too loud and boisterous, or being completely unaware of her actions.

Around this time, my mother started telling me that we are the only family we've got. She would emphasize that I am the only family she has, and she's the only family I have. See subsequent blog post: Adult Children of Alienation Syndrome and Borderline Mother Alienates Daughter. I wouldn't comment to these statements as I didn't want to start WWIII, but she had chosen to cut-off and alienate herself from family. I still had a relationship with my Dad, brother, step-mother, step-sister, step-brother, and more that she didn't know about because I kept my relationships private. "Forced teaming is an effective way to establish premature trust because a 'we're in the same boat' attitude is hard to rebuff without feeling rude" p 66 De Becker. And this is exactly what my mother was trying to do-- over and over through these years. "The borderline mother unconsciously forces teaming by enticing comments such as... 'You're the only one I can depend on" p 163 Lawson. These guilt ridden comments really pushed me away and turned me off.

The Christmas of 2000 was a complicated one for me. Although my beau went to visit his family for Christmas, I had to juggle trying to see both sets of parents AGAIN without disappointing. My Dad always wants you there early for Christmas morning, whereas my mother wants to sleep in. The big challenge is the distance between everyone's residences. So, I spend my holidays tooling around town, racing to get to one place and the next. I barely have time to breathe in between the celebrating and racing to the next celebration. After doing this all sick, I was off to pick up my beau at the airport.

2001 rolled around and times were eventful as my beau and I bought a house. We had a joyous time signing all the paperwork, seeing the house being built, decorating, and moving. The place was our perfect place. I enjoyed my time at the house, and immensely enjoyed my time hanging out with my beau. Everyone (my parents, my beau's parents) came for a visit at one point or another, and things seemed to be moving along smoothly, happily, and copacetic. I was very amazed that I had both sets of parents in my life at one time for such a sustained period. Wow. Again, holidays were a pain, trying to juggle seeing everyone, but we made it work.

Mid-way through 2002 I left my job and entered school to earn a masters degree. I relished going back to school, earned straight A's, became a Presidential Fellow for the university, and worked at the school. I was very involved with school and thoroughly enjoyed the new friendships fostered. I was still getting together with my mother & my Dad as well as traveling to see my beau's family. Life was moving along nicely until the first indication of trouble reared its nasty head.

My step-sister, one night when we were out with our significant others, pulled me aside and told me some pretty alarming news about her childhood that involved my brother and step-brother. She gave very little detail with her main point letting me know that this 'memory' came out in therapy. I was actually FLOORED when she broke this news to me, and she begged that I tell no one. So, I didn't. I did, however, think about what she had to say, which it just didn't add up (especially if you've known her, seen how she's conducted herself, and how everyone is to blame for her shortcomings).

In 2003 , her boyfriend asks her to marry him. They start to plan the wedding, and I am asked to be a bridesmaid. The wedding is last minute planning with little time to spare. I have an appointment to be fitted for a dress; however, I have to cancel the 1st appointment as they couldn't take me on time, and I had to get to school. The second appointment was canceled due to my beau's surgery.

To backtrack, my beau started having back pain-- all the sudden. And this pain radiated down his leg until he almost falls over. He had an MRI, and I got a call at home from the DR trying to locate him because the results of the MRI indicate that he shouldn't move. I get a hold of him as quickly as I can-- and before you know it, his surgery is scheduled. Well, I wasn't able to go to the bridal shop; however, the dresses are sold online by this shop, so when I talked to my Dad about my beau's surgery, I asked my Dad to go ahead and have the dress ordered. He agreed, and he even added that he would pay for the dress. I don't know what transpired after that but I got a nasty email from my step-sister saying if I didn't go to the fitting that I would be out of her wedding. I couldn't go to the fitting due to the extenuating circumstances of my beau's surgery, his sister being in town, my exams at school, and so forth-- and figuring the dress can be ordered online, what is the big deal? Why does she have to control this process to the nth degree? Ultimately I was out of the wedding.

I still attended the wedding, which was odd, but I was there. And as I was watching my step-sister walk down the aisle, my jaw DROPPED. Not only was MY DAD walking her down the aisle, but her OWN FATHER was in the front row crying. The scene was awful. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was disgusted and kept looking ahead the entire ceremony. I wished to be anywhere but there. My step-sister even went so far as to call my Dad "Daddy" during the wedding events, which was completely nauseating. See subsequent blog post: My Dad, the Narcissistic King.

Again, holidays in 2003 were riddled with trying to get to one place and the next-- with no parent realizing the painstaking efforts taken to not hurt their feelings. I really wish I had had the kahunas to just be forthright to say 'enough is enough, you're killing me', but I know now as I knew then that all that means is if I don't play their game, then I am out of the game. So, I end up conforming to their conditions in order to keep them in my life. I end up compromising my own judgment in order to keep my parents, hoping that one day they will love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am.

Well, my beau and I had no idea that the arrival of 2004, with all the wonderful things it will bring, that the year will also be riddled with serious conflict, challenges, and chaos. On May 1st, my beau asked me to marry him. The day was romantic and all that I had dreamed of. He got on his knee and presented a beautiful diamond ring. My family seemed happy. We had no set date or place for the wedding. We were just enjoying being engaged. Even though I was euphoric over the engagement, my thoughts couldn't keep drifting to how in the heck am I going to have a wedding with both of my parents attending with their respective families!? First of all, I don't feel comfortable with all of these people together. Second of all, I am sure these people don't feel comfortable mixed together as well. No matter how I cracked it, the thought of having them all together didn't scramble well.

Don't forget the dynamics: my Dad lost his wife (my mother) because she cheated on him with his best-friend (now my step-father). My Dad remarried, and his step-daughter accused my brother and her own brother of things from childhood, where my Dad and step-mother took her side. My Dad doesn't want my brother around until he clears the situation up with our step-mother and step-sister. My mother becomes completely irrational and, frankly, crazy when my Dad is in the picture. My Dad said that he "wouldn't shed a tear" if my mother "died tomorrow". So, get the picture? Not too happy.

I thought about eloping, but I really wanted to share the day with my mother, have my Dad walk me down the aisle, have my brother witness my big day, have friends celebrate and party with us. I thought about having one ceremony-- nope, too stressful, uncomfortable, and WAY too volatile. I thought about having two ceremonies-- and this made the most sense. If my Dad is willing to chip in to a wedding, why not have the one that he wants. Then my mother could have a ceremony that she wants with my step-father walking me down the aisle. We are all comfortable, everyone is happy.

I battled these thoughts of how to handle my wedding long before my fiance ever asked me to marry him. I knew the day would come, I knew I didn't want to ruin the day for my fiance, and I knew that my family has always been a dramatic and toxic mess. The day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Well, I have thought and thought and thought on how to exactly do that with the particular family members I have to deal with-- and nothing made sense. The closest thing to making sense was the two ceremonies. More time consuming to plan and to execute, but the most peaceful in the long run. I talked this all out for hours on end with friends. No one had any better suggestions. I beat myself up over these decisions, and honestly, I beat myself up to the point of becoming knocked down... but that's another story.

Out of the Nest (1985 - 1988)

I graduated from high school with honor roll grades, a Leadership Award in one sport, barring in two sports, and getting advanced placement in English & Math. Through all of the confusion, I managed to excel at school. I was accepted into several colleges and per my parents' divorce agreement, I had to selected a state university for my Dad to pay my tuition, books, room, transportation, lab fees, and food. My mother gave up equity in the house in exchange for my Dad to pay for my brother's and my college (more on this later). During this time, my Dad and I started talking again, and rekindling a relationship with him felt good.

I went off to college and adjusted well; however, I missed my family & friends, so I came home on some weekends. I missed a couple of weekends due to illness (I had a very BAD case of strep throat at one point, which friends came to check on me, but not my family) and obligations at school on others.

After I came home one random weekend and spent an afternoon running with a friend, I was eating dinner with my mother, step-father, and brother. My mother made a statement, "If you are coming home and not to spending time with your family, then don't bother coming home". I was puzzled as I was coming home and spending time with friends AND family. Again, I felt like I could rarely anything right in her eyes.

Well, one weekend, I knew I was going to be spending a great deal of time with my friends, helping them with their job. I decided that I would come back to the local area, help them out, stay in their dorm, and head back the next morning. I figured I would tell my mother about the excursion afterward, but one of her friends saw me and told my mother in conversation that she had seen me in town.

You would have thought the world had ended. My mother was hysterical, saying that I didn't love her, that I would have never come into town and not called if I did love her. No matter what reassurances I presented, she continued to get more and more upset. Her hysteria and being convinced I didn't love her because I came into town & didn't call her continued through phone calls AND letters, until the situation escalated after a few weeks to her telling me to not come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas and that she would put all of my possessions on the curb to be picked-up on a certain date. And if the items weren't retrieved on that date, she would have the Salvation Army pick them up (I had a final exam on that day and my school was almost a 2 hour drive to her house). I was floored that the situation had heightened to this level. My friends tried talking to her, but she was irrational.

Each of her letters became more and more bizarre. "Borderlines distort the truth because their perceptions are distorted. Distortion is an unconscious way of processing information that reflects the individual’s reality. Distortion misleads and aggravates family members, who may take a borderline’s statement at face value before discovering the facts” p 9 Lawson. She grew further away from what the point actually was. She became so upsetting and abusive with her words that one of my friends wrote her a letter (unknown to me) asking her to back off, that she was behaving crazy.

My friends ended up having to retrieve my things off of the street due to my exam that day. She also placed a condition that I had to return all of the things she sent me off to college with (towels, linens, and such), as well as a ring that I had never heard of or seen (she claimed it was 'stolen' from her). She said that if I didn't have all of these items contained in the suitcase that she sent me off with that I couldn't have my things. So, I gathered the towels, linens, suitcase, and other items (that I thought were mine for college and in the future) so that I could have my clothes and other belongings. I also wrote a note that I didn't know what ring she was asking for. Again, I am accused of something I didn't do.

My friends were able to get my things. I didn't have enough room in my tiny dorm room for all of the stuff (records, photo albums, clothes, record player, and so much more ... the stuff filled a van) that I had to leave most of the things in the van. Thankfully my friend allowed me to leave the things there until I was able to accommodate the items into my living space.

Later in life, I discovered that my mother had been telling people all sorts of lies about me. I don't understand how my mother, who will tell you how I am the best thing to hit this planet, will turn around and say the most horrible things about me. I don't understand how a mother would talk so terribly about their own child -- why a mother would want to make their child look so badly. Anyway, during the time of the letter writing and going off the deep-end, my mother was telling people that I was so thin because I had a drug problem. She said that I spent all my money on drugs too. Of course, people who knew me thought these statements were ludicrous as I didn't use drugs, was an avid runner, worked during college, and made excellent grades. But why my mother felt compelled to spread such hurtful things about a daughter, who just a few weeks prior hung the moon, is baffling. See subsequent blog post: Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage about how my mother organized campaigns of denigration against me.

"The borderline enlists others as allies against the person who is the target of her rage. She may seek out friends, family members (including siblings and children), and co-workers of her victim in whom to confide fabricated stories designed to discredit her enemy. She intentionally leaves out discussion of her own behavior, presenting the other person's behavior as entirely unjustified. Others may believe the allegations because of the intensity of her emotion. Misinformation is calculated and constructed in order to destroy the victim's reputation. Those who do not know the true situation may not notice the inconsistencies in the story. It's difficult to verify the truth because the intensity of her emotions dissuades others from asking details" p 141 Lawson.

I was talking to my Dad more and more at this time. He was supportive of me not talking to my mother, and he started inviting me over to his house for events. However, that Christmas I spent Christmas morning with my friend and her family, which felt very strange. I felt orphaned. Christmas never was the same after the 1976 Christmas-- after my grandmother died in 1977. And then Christmases were even weirder with my parents divorce, spending it without my mother in 1979, and trying to appease both sets of parents in the years after their remarriages. But now, in 1985, I am alone with my friend and her family, celebrating with them, while my parents are without me, and seemingly not concerned. See subsequent blog post: Feeling Like I Don't Belong to a Family

I finished out the school year but transferred to a school closer to the local area. I had a job that I had been working for 3 years at that point, and I also wanted to be closer to my friends. When I made that decision, school had ended, which also meant my dorm-room had ended, and I had no place to stay. (My Dad also decided that he wouldn't pay for my college as agreed to per his divorce agreement). My Dad allowed me to stay at his house for a week (a decade later, my step-sister ends up pregnant and lives in his house for SEVEN years with her daughter-- but I am allotted one week; my brother is not allowed back home as a teenager; my step-brother is asked to leave and handed a handful of money. More on this later). After the week at my Dad's and continuing to search for a place to rent, I spent a week at 3 different friends' houses.

I found a room for rent in a large house. I had 3 jobs and no car. I ran to my first job and back (approximately 4 miles each way), rode my bike to my 2nd job and back, and hitched a ride to my 3rd job as well as school. Eventually I earned enough money to purchase a small car. Money was very tight but I got by. I made straight A's that first quarter of my 2nd year of college, and the A's continued through the quarters.

An interesting observation at this point: I was running to my 1st job, and my boss noticed that I was getting sicker and sicker. I just blew it off that I was not feeling well but I was okay. One day, she came to check on me, and upon seeing me, she ran me off to the emergency room. I was diagnosed with pneumonia in both lungs, prescribed some heavy medication, and told to stay in bed. During the two weeks that I was bed-bound and woozy from fever & medication, my Dad didn't come to check on me one time. He didn't even call me. The lady that I rented the room from was the one who checked on me as she knew I was alone. She made sure I ate soup here and there, and she always asked if there was anything she could do for me. I have felt like an orphan many times in my life, and this was one of them. See subsequent blog post: Feeling Like I Don't Belong to a Family

My brother has some issues with my mother during this time, and her way of dealing with it was to stick him into 'rehab' for teenagers. I found the 'rehab' to be an insurance sucking crock, but she kept him there. I actually went to see him when I had that case of pneumonia. Sitting there, riddled with fever and seeing my brother in this surreal place was more than I could bear. When he got out, she wouldn't let him come back home. Instead, he was placed into a 'halfway house' with ADULTS (he was still a teenager). My Dad wouldn't take him to his home either, so here is a boy, a lost boy, out on his own as a teenager without parents to provide love, safety, and security. No matter what had transpired with him, no matter how frustrated my mother was, no matter how hurt my Dad was with him, they shouldn't have EVER turned their back on him like this. The repercussions are still echoing to this day.

My relationship with my Dad grew with me seeing him more often. He even had me take care of his house when he vacationed with my step-mother (my step-sister and step-brother still lived at the house). If you recall from earlier posts, I had issues with my Dad taking sides with my step-mother regardless of the issue. I felt he had chosen his life, which didn't include my brother or me. Well, I was thrilled to have acceptance back again- or at least I thought.

My step-mother still had issues with me, and the Christmas of 1986, she refused to accept a gift from me. My grandmother witnessed my step-mother's rude and cruel behavior and immediately jumped to my defense, but my step-mother was determined not to accept it and to not talk to me. I was simply happy to have someone see the treatment I have endured all these years, and I was even happier to have someone take my defense.

That Christmas, my brother came for a visit, leaving his half way house. My Dad has always treated life very selfishly (remember in earlier posts how my Dad and step-mother would retreat into their room at night, not allowing the kids to disturb them?). Well at holidays, my Dad has his limits, and when he decides he had enough, everyone has to leave. I was fine with that, especially after the awful confrontation with my step-mother; however, my brother wasn't due to be picked up until way later. I couldn't give him a ride as I had to get to work and his place was the opposite direction. So my last sight of that family celebration that Christmas was my pitiful brother walking up the street, alone & dejected. My heart was breaking, once again.

Around year or so later, I was still working my three jobs, I had an apartment with a coworker at this point, and I had a nice little car to zip around in. I felt comfortable with who I was, my friends were my family, and I felt very secure being able to take care of myself and thrive. At this point, I hadn't talked to my mother in 3 years. Then that day happened when she walked into my night job, and I about dropped my teeth. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't. She wanted to talk to me. I told her I had to finish up with my work. We ended up sitting in my car and talking -- she told me she got 'help', apologized for what she did to me, and promised she wouldn't do it again. I listened and didn't say much. I knew how hard I had to work to get where I was. I knew that I was comfortable without the confusion, drama, and sadness of the distention. I knew that I was very hesitant to get involved again-- but this is my MOTHER.

I talked about getting involved again with many people before finally making the decision to let her back into my life. My thought was, "How could she hurt me now?". I am in control of my life, self sufficient, and on my own, so if she does anything to compromise that, I will back off. I don't know if my Dad had an inclination that my mother was coming back around or if someone clued him in, but he came to one of my jobs to visit, and said that he would 'cut me off' if he found out I had a relationship with my mother again. See subsequent blog post: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome. I have a picture of him from that visit, as an unknowing staffer snapped a shot of him sitting there talking to me, and you can see how much of an angry person he is (foreshadowing the future here folks :)

Certainly his words banged around in my head during my decision to allow my mother back into my life, but I decided I had to do what I had to do as it's my life. I also decided that with both my mother and my Dad that what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them. So I wouldn't talk about the other, I wouldn't mention anything about the other, and I could go on having a relationship with both. Wishful thinking.

Things did move along okay with both in my life. Holidays were always tricky because both would want me to be at their place, and I could only be at one, so I was always stressed with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. I actually started to resent the holidays at this time, and also appreciate having jobs that forced me to work a holiday as I didn't have to juggle my parents and their invitations. "I have to work" is much easier.

My Dad and step-mother, although claiming they didn't have any money (so couldn't pay for my college, books, housing, transportation, and all the other items AGREED to in the divorce agreement) traveled all the time. I was enlisted to take care of their house several times, and on this occasion, I was taking care of their house when they went skiing in Denver. I was headed out to work my night job when my step-brother announces that he was going to have a party when I was working. I stressed that I didn't approve of this and that I expected the house to be in the condition when I return as it was in before I left. This didn't happen, and when I got home from work, beer cans, beer cases, and drunk kids were every where (my step-brother is 5 years younger than me, me being 19 at the time, so he was 14-ish). I was completely appalled at what I found and left it the way it was for him to clean in the morning.

When I got up in the morning, the place was in the same condition, and as I got some juice out of the fridge on of my Dad's friends came to the door. He saw all of the party mess, but I didn't explain anything to him. Ultimately he told my Dad what he saw, and my Dad questioned my step-brother about what went on (I was back at my apartment at this point). My step-brother accused me of having a party, and my Dad believed him. The lie went so far as to say I had a boy in my Dad's bed. When I spoke to my Dad, I first pointed out that I worked that night, and that was verifiable. I second pointed out that I have my own place to have a party, why would I pick his place. The third thing I pointed out what his lack of trust in me and how quickly he is to jump to think the worst of me (more of this to come for decades in the future). At this point, I couldn't handle the drama or the accusations and needed to focus on school and working three jobs, so I pulled away. Pulling away was just the beginning...