I should have been focusing on the happy, joyful, and beautiful aspects of getting married to the man of my dreams-- but I had to consume myself with planning for the worst with my mother. Knowing how she has gone off the deep end in the past, I wouldn't put anything past her. I also had concerns about my brother not attending due to my step-sister's accusations-- and my Dad telling me that my brother wouldn't be allowed to attend if he didn't rectify the situation to my step-mother's and step-sister's satisfaction. I was very angry that my Dad was trying to control my life still, on a day that should be all about ME and my FIANCE. If I tried to approach the topic with my Dad, that I want my brother there no matter what, he would change the subject or say that it's all up to my brother ("he knows what he has to do", my Dad would say over and over).
Such a dark cloud was placed over me during a time of such happiness. As much as I tried to enjoy myself, I would be knocked down with news about my mother, my step-sister, my step-mother, father... and as much as I would try to shake it, I couldn't. I was surrounded by these negative factors that I couldn't pull myself out of unless we just planned to elope. My fiance had always dreamed of having his father as his best man, so I certainly didn't want to ask him to give that up. And the wedding had gotten too far into the planning stage to elope. So, the show must go on.
My step-mother was about as supportive as a gnat, meeting me for lunch to tell me that I have to just think that my mother is dead. She even said that I should wish for her to be dead as that is the best thing that could happen to me. The audacity of this lady! And then when we had our rehearsal, my step-sister AND step-mother had the audacity to ask me where my brother is, and they acted surprised to hear he wasn't coming. Yea, right, like they didn't know. They were the driving force behind him NOT being present. Do they think I am stupid!?
The wedding went off without a hitch. My mother didn't show up with her entourage to crash the wedding. I lamented about my brother not being present, but he was in my heart and soul. I was in heaven, dancing with my new husband, enjoying ourselves in one of our favorite locations, and thinking of our bright future ahead. We had a sunny honeymoon and thoroughly enjoyed our new lives as husband and wife.
I came across your blog as I was searching for ways to tell my parents about my upcoming wedding. I realized that my mother is totally a BPD mom! My younger sister and I are always walking on eggshells with her. Recently she's gotten my dad on her side (he seems like a "Fisherman") and they are against my upcoming marriage. I'm a physician and so is my fiancee, he's the best thing that ever happened to me yet my parents hate him because his ethnicity isn't the same as mine. They went so far as to hire a PI to look into his background and try to convince me to leave him based on lies. We are still going to get married and while I tried for 6 months to see if just loving my mom would convince her to have the wedding in my hometown she wasn't really into it. She said my parents didn't have the money for the wedding (which is a lie) and that they wanted it only their way! Then when they found out we were living together (we're both in our early 30s and have been together for 5 years) it became the reason why my mom wouldn't be a part of my wedding. Now my fiancee and I have moved it to the other side of the country where his family is...and I'm terrified to tell my parents! I can't shake the idea of wanting to be the perfect daughter and I'm at my wits end planning this wedding. I'm sorry for the long comment but I had to reach out to someone to help me before I pull out all my hair. My mom is acting like everything is the same (i.e. like i'm not in a relationship) and it's really hurting my feeilngs.
ReplyDeleteWow, I know your pain :/ I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteOne point: if I had a chance to do my wedding all over again knowing what I know now, I would do it all according to what my fiance and I want and not place so much (if any) on anyone else. Seriously, all of my 'trying to accommodate' my mother and keep her happy totally drove me crazy and didn't accomplish anything. And then trying to accommodate my Dad and his narcissistic needs about drove me over the edge.
In the end, I should have looked after my fiance's needs and interests only. You are getting married to the man you love... the many who you will be with for the rest of your life... the one who is with you, hand in hand, to create happiness, love, fun, and memories is that man. Your wedding is for YOU and for HIM. Try to keep the crazies at bay by focusing on YOU and HIM.
If anyone (your mother) has anything to question or to say, simply state, "This wedding is for me and for my fiance." Nothing else needs to be explained.
When a parent is so narcissistic or has a personality disorder like (BPD) where abandonment is an issue, weddings can really ignite fury, insecurity, rash / harsh reactions, and frankly, insanity. It's up to you to keep what you experience happy, light, carefree, and joyful by letting the disruptor(s) know that you aren't going to allow negativity, toxicity, and dysfunction into your world. Stick up for yourself ... your fiance... your very special day. Easier said than done however. BUT you are aware of more than I was at this point so knowledge & awareness are your power.
And most of all, the love you have with your fiance is your strength through this. Let your perspective of what is going on around you be the perspective of love and unity with your husband... trying to block out the haters and disruptions around you. Again, easier said than done but with focus, you can keep the happiness in and the unhappiness out.
As far as understanding your mother more-- read, read, read... and research. The more you know about her personality, the more you will be able to handle what she puts out. When you understand the personality, you will be able to not internalize and to realize she is the one with the problem-- NOT YOU.
I couldn't handle battling for their acceptance and love any more. It got too exhausting, too time consuming, and too cumbersome. And when my child was born, the need to be away from the known dangers (my parents) was even more clear. Life is MUCH MORE peaceful now.
If you want to email me about your wedding more, feel free. I let the negativity that my mother projected around my wedding get to me, and I wish I hadn't... so if I can help you make it through your special and sweet day, that would be great!
By the way, my husband and I plan on having a wedding vow renewal ceremony... and this time, I know how to make the ceremony all it should be :)
Best of luck to you and your fiance. All my best to you both!
ps: did you read the lead up to the wedding? If not, here it is: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/02/little-women-2004.html
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your advice. I have inadvertently left my fiancee by the wayside because of all the stress from my parents. My mother still insists I talk to her EVERYDAY! I live across the country from them and have been for 6 years but I must call everyday, maybe because she's scared I'll abandon her but she's pushing me to do so with her actions. I have nightmares she'll crash my wedding and do horrible things. As I've been reading your blog over the last couple of days I've realized that getting back into therapy is something I need. I'll definitely do lots more reading too! Thank you once again! You're a strong woman and a voice for all of children of parents with personality disorders! : )
ReplyDeleteYou are so welcome. Btw, have you read Lawson's book "Understanding the Borderline Mother"? If you haven't , I am sure you will have many "ah ha!" moments. The book is VERY therapeutic ... I highly recommend reading it (and the reader reviews of it on amazon.com.
ReplyDeleteMy mother also had us talking on the phone daily... we also met every Monday for dinner (if I cancelled, I was given a nice guilt trip). The control tactics were unbelieveable, and from the sounds of it, your mother follows suit. Boundaries are needed, especially with a new hubby coming into the picture. She can't be intruding on your personal / home life with you & your hubby. You are an adult, leading an adult life, and talking to your mother is important BUT NOT in an obcessive / controlling manner.
The control oozed into every facet, including my wedding. My mother failed to realize that the wedding was not hers. And not being able to control threw her into a raging fury. She wanted to 'crash' my wedding, and I was forced to have security at the ceremony & reception. Sad :(
Well, focus on your fiance... do what you dream of with your big day... and establish boundaries so that your mother doesn't intrude on your life with you & your love. If she can't respect the boundaries or if she continues a campaign of denigration against you / your hubby / both of you, then more drastic measures will be needed.
Funny how our parents should be our biggest supporters, giving unconditional love and understanding, yet these parents are so wrapped up in their own needs, perceptions, and agendas, their children (us) are not a true concern and end up being hurt in the process.
Therapy sound super.... reading more is excellent .. and finding validation via folks like me who have been through it is freeing. Thanks for reaching out. All my best (ps: I typed on my cell, so very sorry for type-os :)
This blog is incredibly comforting to me. We could be the same exact person (with some variation here and there). It's just comforting to know that I'm not the only one, as many have stated. I also appreciate your honesty about the feelings these encounters can provoke (i.e. confusion, anger, guilt). I've read a different book than the one you mention, and it talks a lot about how to handle and accommodate the BPD in your life. I liked in one of your posts how you believe that the BPD can and should control their actions. I'll get the book you recommend - thanks for writing all this!
ReplyDeleteSo very happy that my blog is comforting. Knowing others are out there with lives that are almost exactly the same is certainly comforting to me as well. What book did you read regarding BPD?
DeleteAiye. "Wedding Crashers." "Private Investigators" (Private Instigators.) "HAVE TO..." phone calls regardless of the demands of your daily life.
ReplyDeleteWaaayyy too familiar.
Yk, when I tell prospective brides to hire security, they seem to think I'm nuts. No, just EXPERIENCED and not just personal experience either.
This is your and your fiancee's day: Take ownership of it! Yes, I know that sounds "easy" and I know it isn't-do.I.ever. But what better time to start setting the tone and tenor/Boundaries for your CB "Parent(s)" than when you're entering a new "identity" as a couple?
It's not going to get easier as time goes on-I'll venture to say it's going to get harder if you continue to kick the can further down the road. They *will* sabotage your wedding, your marriage, your parenting-your life-as they always have in every possible way up to this point in your experience with them.
The best indicator of present-or future-behavior is past behavior. Your Wedding will not be a Drama Free Zone unless you take concrete steps to make it that way. This is your and your fiancee's day-and NO ONE ELSE'S.
If they're throwing hissy fits, demanding you do your wedding "their" way etc. that's all the confirmation you need to know exactly who they are and what they're about.
Please, believe yourself and your experiences: Your CB "Parent(s)" are the last people you look to for for confirmation of their, ahhh, "dysfunction."
It sounds like despite being anxious, you took steps to ward off the worst possible outcomes. Taking pro-active steps allows us to regain some sense of confidence and competence Glad you were able to enjoy your day!
TW
Yes, thankfully to proactive measures, our wedding day was peaceful and without drama. Between the NC with my mother and the security officers preventing any disruption from her & her buddies, we pulled off a wonderfully memorable day / night :) Thanks for the input ... you are spot on! :)
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