Disney and the DSM-IV | Could Rapunzel's Mother Gothel Have BPD?

When I first saw "Tangled", I kept thinking that Mother Gothel acted and reacted like my mother. So many similarities exist between Mother Gothel and my mother (including their appearance!) that the movie really hit 'home' for me. Manipulative, evil, jealous, arrogant, greedy, selfish, rude, vain, and spiteful are just a few of the words one can use to describe Mother Gothel. She looks after herself  and doesn't care about anything else. She's also extremely theatrical, and melodramatic, loves her own jokes, and is narcissistic enough not to care if nobody else gets the funny bit. Even the song, "Mother Knows Best" rang a chord for me, with the lyrics so poignantly descriptive of my mother's guilt-ridden, controlling, and manipulative verbiage: 

 
Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know?
I only bathed and changed and nursed you
Go ahead and leave me, I deserve it
Let me die alone here, be my guest
When it's too late, you'll see - just wait
Mother knows best


So, without further ado, give the following a read (even if you haven't seen the movie). Love it!
________________________________________________

 
Rapunzel! Rapunzel! What can the woman in your hair teach us about borderline personality disorder (BPD)?

As a villain, Mother Gothel in Disney’s Tangled is unique.  She’s not motivated by revenge, greed, or lust for power. Gothel, terrified of growing older, is motivated by fear. As a result, she begins to display symptoms of BPD- to the point where she will literally die without Rapunzel and her magic hair.

What are the Symptoms of BPD?
    
According to the DSM-IV, there are nine criteria for BPD. In order to merit BPD diagnosis, the patient must meet five of them. According to HealthyPlace, the criteria are:

• frantic efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment (not including self-harm or suicidal behavior)
• a pattern of intense, unstable relationships alternating between idealization and devaluation
• persistently unstable self-image
• impulsivity in two self-damaging areas (drinking heavily, spending too much money, driving too fast, etc.)
• recurring suicidal behavior or threats
• unstable mood
• chronic emptiness
• inappropriate, intense anger
• stress-related paranoia or dissociation

I believe Gothel would meet criteria 1, 2, 3, 6 and 8 were she a real human. So, as an example of one way BPD can manifest, this is a hypothetical case.


Criterion Two: Gothel’s Two Views of Rapunzel

Early in the movie, Gothel attempts to dote on Rapunzel: telling her she loves her, making her favorite hazelnut soup, even leaving on a three-day journey to make a special paint. However, when Rapunzel asks to leave the tower to find out why floating lanterns appear in the sky on her birthday, Gothel refuses. Her “adorable” daughter is now “sloppy, underdressed, immature, clumsy” and too weak to handle herself. Gothel’s needs determine how she views Rapunzel.


Criterion Three: Gothel’s Identity and Rapunzel’s Views

Gothel repeatedly tries to convince Rapunzel that she has her best interests in heart. She excels at playing the victim card, repeatedly saying “Great, now I’mthe bad guy.” As long as Rapunzel believes Gothel is her mother, Gothel seems to believe she is. Only when Rapunzel finds out the truth does Gothel quit the charade.  “You want me to be the bad guy?” she growls. ”Fine.  Now I’m the bad guy.”


Criteria Six and Eight:  Gothel’s Anger and Happiness

Gothel ‘s emotional state depends entirely on Rapunzel’s. If Rapunzel is happy, so is Gothel. She needs Rapunzel to be happy in order to be happy, and becomes depressed or angry whenever Rapunzel is unhappy. The more curious Rapunzel becomes about life outside the tower, the more angry Gothel becomes, resulting in an argument ended when Gothel screams “You are not leaving this tower–EVER!”


Criterion One: A Manufactured Crisis

After Rapunzel leaves the tower, Gothel pursues. Upon finding that Rapunzel is happy about her choice to leave, Gothel quickly enlists the help of two thugs. As the thugs attempt to kidnap Rapunzel, Gothel double-crosses them and knocks them out with a piece of driftwood. If manufacturing a crisis in order to appear to be the rescuer isn’t a “frantic effort” to avoid abandonment, I don’t know what is.


The Cost of BPD

What would be ironic in real life is justice in an animated movie. Gothel perishes in one of the most creative and memorable death scenes in a Disney movie. In a way, Gothel died because she was unable to accept herself. Gothel had to be young and could not live any other way.

However, we don’t have to share that fate. According to NAMI, BPD is highly treatable. Whether it’s DBT or schema therapy or some other therapy, there is hope for recovery. We can learn to accept ourselves and accept the ups and downs of life.

We can get the villain of BPD out of our hair.

 

Reference:  Disney and the DSM-IV: Could New Villain Have BPD? | More Than Borderline

Hyperawareness | Defense Mechanism then Survivors Perception

From as far back as I can remember, I have been in-tune with other people's body language. I can read a person from a mile away, and  person's body language says more to me than what they are actually saying. I am also very aware of eye contact, which eye contact or lack-thereof is very telling about a person. And in regard to what others are saying, I listen intently to what is being related and place significance on tone-of-voice. And depending on with whom I am speaking and what we are speaking about, I may assess / analyze statements.

So, are any of you like this? Do you sense things before others or when others don't, such as:

• Specifics of body language
• When and how eye contact is made
• The speaker's tone of voice 
• What verbiage is utilized
• Analyze the meaning behind words / statements
• Detect faint sounds or sounds in the distance / background before others or when others don't (ie: quiet sounds from a room in the other end of the house). 
• Feel sensitive, irritated, uneasy, or uncomfortable in crowds
• Smell things before others or when others don't (ie: stinky smells; something burning)
• Taste the nuances that others can't or don't (ie: detect when a food has started to turn; find flavors of various spices)

Since a child, I have seemed to have an acute awareness of my surroundings and have always been particularly sensitive to it. I just figured that I am simply more perceptive or observant that others. After talking with some of my friends who also have BPD mothers, we all have the same antidotes pertaining to this very subject. Each one of us assesses situations similarly: analyzing body language, the environment around, words spoken, and more. We all seem to be highly perceptive about the same types of input around us. Our common denominator is a BPD parent with confusing interactions, unstable sense of self, emotional instability, inappropriate / intense anger, and transient / paranoid thoughts which add-up to very confusing behavior for a child to interpret. Compound these confusing behaviors with an environment where the child is constantly walking on eggshells in order to not ignite the BPD.The result is a child who becomes hyperaware of the BPD's moods, behaviors, and idiosyncrasies.

With the survivors of trauma and abuse, this hyperawareness is a defense mechanism. "A nearly universal characteristic of survivors is excessive emotional hypersensitivity... hyperawareness of body language, moods, and 'the meanings behind the words' is a highly functional defense mechanism" p 166 Evans / Sullivan. In regard to the BPD parent:

• One must be on defense for the next attack, so keeping a vigilant eye on her behavior is vital: She has that look in her eye again; I need to stay away. Her body language is saying she's in a 'witch' mood, I better hide. She is becoming more and more aggressive with her language today; she is probably going to verbally attack me today.  
• Trying to sort-out the confusing and twisted behavior creates a need to collect as much information as possible to try to figure out her behavior (past, present, future). Seemingly, every action or word spoken is another piece of the puzzle.

With these observations of body language, eye contact, verbal communication, many times the child of the BPD questions their own perception of that is transpiring. Is the BPD really that bad? Perhaps the meaning behind the actions / words is being misread? Maybe the BPD doesn't really mean to act or say those things, and maybe I am the one who has the problem? "Children of borderlines may spend their entire lives trying to understand their mother and themselves. They are preoccupied with sorting out the meanings of interactions, studying their own perceptions, and questioning the intentions of others" Lawson p 302

Not only are the children of BPD parents trying to figure out what makes their parent tick and why, but they are 'walking on eggshells' in the process. The children feel as if their behavior is provoking the abuse or cause the BPD to get upset so they tip-toe around the BPD as not to provoke. This 'walking on eggshells' can be very stressful, and in combination with being hyperaware of the BPD's mood, behavior, body language, eye contact, and more, the child is on a constant state of heightened alert. This hyperawareness and state of alertness can continue into adulthood if the relationship dynamics with the BPD remain the same.

The children of BPD view the world around through these same glasses: being very aware of body language, eye contact, small nuances, being sensitive to changes and actions around self, etc. Additionally, since the child of the BPD tries to understand why the  parent behaves the way she does, the child also tries to constantly unscramble mixed messages from the BPD. Since the BPD isn't direct or candid with her emotions, actions, or needs, the child must uncode. After lifetime of unscrambling and decoding, the child of the BPD may apply this same methodology to other relationships (friends, work colleagues, school colleagues, general interactions with public).  "The borderline's children become experts at deciphering emotional messages that often have hidden significance. As adults, these children may become preoccupied with discovering hidden motives behind actions of others" Lawson p 157

With hyperawareness continuing into adulthood, children of BPD often seem 'psychic' or aware of minor details that no one else does. With this observation of details, hypersensitivity enables many to write vivid and descriptive stories and develop artwork in amazing detail. Further, children of BPD often can sense when someone is angry or in a bad mood. Alternately, they may also become agitated with people over small incidents - don't look at me like that; I get nervous when you breathe like that.

Trying to simply 'turn off' a defense mechanism so deeply engrained is challenging. Being wired to notice slight changes, behaviors, and verbiage about one's own BPD parent for an entire childhood and onward is a learned process. Using the hyperawareness in a positive, perceptive, and intuitive manner is a healthy alternative rather than creating unease and staying on-guard. Being able to 'read' people is a valuable trait, and being able to notice intricate details is also a favorable attribute. Enjoy the ability to sense beyond what others may and take enjoyment of the heightened senses-- stop and smell the roses.

Fight or Flight with Parental Confrontation and Contact

Whew. I am generally a calm, cool, and collected person BUT whenever I have a potential confrontation, actual confrontation, or cause of concern related to my parents, my body immediately reacts. I get shaky, I feel sick to my stomach, I get out-of-breath, and my mind runs a million miles an hour. After decades of ...

• wondering when the next blow-up is going to happen or 
• what I am going to be falsely accused of next or 
• what is being fabricated about me now or
• having my parent(s) confront me with the next "we have to sit down an talk" scenario

... my body is sent into a tail-spin when my parents are discussed relative to me. This 'tail-spin' is fight-or-flight which is defined as the set of processes that occur in the body when it is confronted with some form of physical or mental stress. The nervous system signals for adrenaline and other hormones to be released into the blood which prepare the body either to confront or flee (thus, “fight or flight”). Changes in the body include increased heart rate, dilated pupils of the eye (to improve vision), and increased supply of blood to the muscles (to prepare the body for action).

I can carry on with life for a year (or more) without any situation causing fight-or-flight.  Even as time has passed and even though I am at peace with my past, present, and future, whenever I get a phone call or email from a family member or friend regarding my parents relative to me, my body reacts. With daily life, I am not stressed. I don't have anxiety. I don't panic about situations. I am a very confident, happy, level headed individual. Then, without warning, one of those calls / emails occurs, and I am shaky and nauseated. 

Why would my body react in such a way? In short, my body has been conditioned to respond to this specific stimuli due to lack confidence, trust, and unconditional love from my parent. Note that:

• If one has confidence in a relationship, fight-or-flight would not occur with confrontation or contact.
• A relationship based on trust and unconditional love would not elicit the reactions of fight-or-flight when a confrontation arises. 

So, when a relationship is abused by years dysfunction, toxicity, carelessness, and selfishness, trust in the relationship is damaged. Respectively, lack of confidence in the relationship is a result and the  reaction to confrontation is fight-or-flight. Trust is directly correlated with confidence, and when confidence is broken, confrontations and simple contacts are interpreted by the body as immediate danger.

I have had one too many shocking situations with my parents that body's natural reaction to their contacts is fight-or-flight. I don't trust their intentions or even each of them as individuals. Additionally, I don't have confidence that their intentions are unconditional or unselfish. Due to the erosion of this confidence and trust, my body immediately jumps to fight-or-flight with confrontations and simple contacts. For me, the fight-or-flight response resulted from:

• Years of 'deep sixing' what I witnessed and experienced as a child
• Years of emotional and verbal abuse including Parental Alienation Syndrome
• Decades of situations blowing-up in my face at the hands of my parent(s)
• Decades of stepping on land mines and going through traumatic situations with my parent(s)
• Decades of walking on eggshells and trying to keep peace with my parents(s)

What's interesting is my MIND (psychological) knows that everything is fine-- that I am safe, my child is safe, my husband is safe. I KNOW that nothing horrible is going to happen to us. However, my BODY (behavior) is set off, like an alarm, and automatically sends adrenaline surging. Our body cannot always tell the difference between real and imagined threat. Therefore, when we interpret a situation as threatening, our body responds as though the situation is dangerous even if it really isn't in reality. Once my body calms down, I have a chuckle as I realize how my body just takes off without me as a result of all I've endured in the past. My body interprets my parents as an immediate danger.

 Does anyone else have this response? How do you cope when these situations arise?

I don't experience this heightened response often, so training myself to not react is challenging. I practice the following in order to eliminate / reduce the fight-or-flight response:

1. Practicing visualization and having my body not react stress-fully to these random contacts about my parent(s)
2. Talking out the scenarios with my husband.
3. Manipulating my breathing by changing the rate at which I breathe, whether I breathe shallowly or deeply, and whether I breathe through my mouth or nose. By manipulating how I breathe, it is possible to slow down and even reverse the fight-or-flight response.
4. Controlling the level of tension in my muscles. For example, by creating a fist, make the muscles in my arms tighter. What is more difficult, but not impossible, is to make my muscles more relaxed. With practice, I relax not only the muscles in my arms, but muscles in my shoulders, back, jaw, face, and other areas. 

Searching for Answers to WHYs in a Relationship

Searching for answers when a relationship is fractured or broken or has ended is natural. Being hurt or disillusioned, disappointed or rejected are not easy on one's soul or mind, especially when the culprit is your very own parent(s). However, you may never get the answers you are seeking directly from the other person. But I will tell you how you can find the answers to your whys-- read on.

If you are a victim of a a personality disordered individual, is the explanation he/she provides truly the answer? This person has misled you for years--even decades-- down a toxic road of dysfunction and confusion. You are seeking truthful and insightful answers from this person when therapists aren't even successful.

Reading comments such as, "The verbal abuse from my mother has lasted through all the lifetimes. It's still there, tucked away deep inside, it comes out from time to time and haunts me, it still has the ability to make me cry, and although I won't let it rule who I am anymore, I will never get over it and I will always wonder why" is heart-wrenching especially the always wondering WHY.

 

Sadly, often the abuse (whether physical, verbal, emotional) that occurred during childhood via our parent(s) continues into adulthood when the culprit hasn't sought therapy or had consistent therapy. How I was treated as a child was no different when I became a teenager or young adult or adult. My parents are the same people who have not attempted to take accountability for their actions or seek professional help. So although I had questions regarding my child / teen years, I also had just as many into my adulthood since the dysfunction continued. And boy oh boy, thank goodness for the wonderful friends that I have had through the decades who would listen for hours on end about MANY whys and questions. They are partly responsible for keeping me grounded and focused.

Besides finding answers through my friends, I read books like crazy. And when the Internet became more and more of a comprehensive tool, I used it to connect with others like me and to research even further. Then, I started to blog, which allowed me to take all of this information out of my head and put it somewhere else... AND most importantly, help others like me to sort out all of the jumbled mess that happened in the past and create an understanding of it all.

So, I am at peace with the estrangement knowing that no-contact is the healthiest alternative for not only myself but my child and husband too. Part of my being at peace is due to the research that I conducted about personality disorders, communicating with others who have experienced mirror situations, support from friends / family, writing down all my history with accompanying analysis, and more. If you notice, none of my answers have come from my parents.

I count on myself for my happiness, peace of mind, and understanding of this world. If I allowed my parents to dictate each of these elements, I would have been completely misled at a very young age. Consider their actions and how they conducted themselves as not only parents but citizens in their community, I am truly thankful that I developed into the person I am today and very saddened the toll it took on my brother. Also, my parents have never been ones to be transparent and allow for open communication. Both being highly narcissistic, communication is one-sided and all about their perspective. My parents won't even talk about neutral topics such as a simple memory from the past-- my Dad says that he doesn't want to remember the past and my mother distorts and twists the facts.

What I find amusing is that my mother hasn't made one attempt to reach out to me since our estrangement started in July 2004; however, she has not stopped talking to my brother about me. She claims that I am "ignoring" her.  To be ignored, one must create an action to be disregarded. She has not tried to contact me since 2004; therefore, again she's positioning herself as the victim. If I were to try to find answers as to why our relationship is broken by asking her, what type of response do you think I'd get? The answer would be that I am responsible for the estrangement and everything in between.

My mother also says that I am **keeping away** my child from her. Again, she would have to reach out and then I would have to refuse in order to keep away. My mother and I became estranged three (3) years BEFORE my child was born (before I was even married). She has never contacted me about the birth of my child or any time thereafter, and thus, I have never had the opportunity to 'keep away' my child from her. If I were to try to find answers as to why our relationship is broken by asking her, what type of response do you think I'd get? Again, the answer would be that I am responsible for the estrangement and everything in between.

My Dad and I became estranged after he became upset that my husband's family was coming down for Christmas (Last Straw), thus "ruining" his traditional holiday get-together. He also claimed that my husband and I conspired to keep the in-law visit a secret, which we most certainly hadn't. The in-law trip was planned last minute to due a birth and then, very sadly, a death in the family. He cancelled coming over to our house via email and never contact me since. How very narcissistic (heartless and baseless as well) for him to only think of himself as well as to concoct a scenario to solicit sympathy towards himself when others are hurting from a death in the family. Again, if I were to seek any truth into our relationship, my Dad would not be able to provide it. Heck, he can't even talk to me about my childhood without scolding me that it's the past and he wants to forget about it.

But you CAN have your questions answered...

The answers you can get from your abuser are already in front of you:

1. Actions speak louder than words-- and the years of mistreatment, abuse, and more speak volumes in regard to answers as those actions are reprehensible and inexcusable. The patterns of abuse (physical, verbal, emotional) are very similar case-by-case. So finding others who have been through what you have is very cathartic and healing. You can find many answers through researching and communicating. 
2. Find that validity through your enlightened witness, friends, and family who understand what you've gone through. Speak to them regarding their insight, what they witnessed, about the background / history of your parent(s).  
3.  Most importantly, you hold the answers in your heart. You KNOW why the relationship is broken or has ended. The reason for wanting **answers** is to give validity to your feelings and to ease your conscious. Believe in yourself and what you know.

The point with the examples is that when you are in a dysfunctional / abusive /  toxic relationship, finding answers from the origin of the problem is not likely going to happen. And if you do venture to find answers from the other party, you will most likely not find the honest and earnest truth you are seeking. In fact, you will probably feel more disillusioned, confused, and hurt. You are the only person you can control and who can control what you feel-- find the answers within yourself and find peace.

What is Closure of a Relationship

Closure seems like a **buzz word** but it's something that I feel and I know others would like to feel closure as well. Whether the closure relates to an estrangement with a family member, end of a romantic relationship, or any other relationship that has come to an end, closure is a goal for peace of mind and being able to live in the here-and-now.

Sometimes a relationship ends with no loose ends and no unanswered questions-- you simply move on and the relationship is final. Other relationships are not so cleanly ended. For example, in the situation with my mother and Dad, they are my parents and ending a relationship with a parent is not so simple or clean. Add in the manipulations, confusion, guilt-trips, brain-washing, and abuse that comes along with a mentally ill parent (ie: personality disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) with my mother or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) with my Dad) and finding closure is even more convoluted.

So, do you need to have closure? Not in order to move on, no. You can move on with life in a positive, healthy, productive, and happy manner without closure-- meaning, questions may still be left unanswered but you remove yourself from the abuse, negativity, unhappiness, and more in order to improve your life, find happiness, and have peace.

However, without closure, you may still have that little voice in the back of your head wondering what the person is up to, why did the person treat you this way / that way, when (if ever) will they change so that a mutually beneficial / healthy relationship is possible, or you may play out what happened in the past over and over in your head. In other words, although you may not have found closure, proceeding through life in a direction away from the relationship that ended occurs but you still think of that person and have questions floating around in your mind about them, the past with them, or 'what ifs'. 

During the first part of the estrangement / no contact / break-up, you may be angry, sad, pensive, or empty. As time goes on, you will find strength in being able to see the whole picture. When you are in a relationship, you are too closely entwined in what is happening to see the entire perspective. I like to explain 'relationship perspective' this way: when you are in a relationship, it's like your nose is pressed up against a huge painting so all you see is what is directly in front of your eyes. The dynamics of the relationship are so much more but all you can see is what your nose is pressed up against. As you take a step away from the relationship (aka: the painting on the wall), you will see more and more of the painting. The further you step away and as more time passes, the more you can see the entire picture surrounding the relationship. You will suddenly start to see things the way others from the outside see. The perspective changes: you see details you didn't see before, insignificant things become less and less important, and significant things become more pronounced.

As time passes and your perspective changes, you start to see more and more clearly what happened to you:

• In one respect, this clarity could cause greater pain initially as how you were treated and what transpired in the past becomes more evident. But this is necessary in order to move on-- if you were operating under false assumptions about the relationship, these truths that become apparent will help to guide you to strength and conviction of how you are going to conduct your life. Therapy will help during this time, as well as talking to a close confidant who can provide validation, support, and a listening ear. 
• In another respect, the clearer perspective can immediately give you the boost you need to find closure in the relationship. Truth is power. Being truthful with yourself and your past will give you the power to move forward through life and away from your painful past.

Once I was away from my parents and was able to reflect on what happened, writing certainly helped to bring everything out into the forefront. Starting from as early as I could remember, I wrote everything down from my perspective and memory. Additionally, talking with those who were involved in my life during the abuse by my parents was validating and freeing. Lastly, I researched and read and researched and read some more. The more I wrote, talked, researched, and read, the more I understood. The more I understood, the more I accepted what happened to me. The more I accepted what happened to me, the more closure I gained. At this point, I am not looking back, and I am at peace with where I am in my life relative to the estrangements with my parents.

Don't get me wrong. I went through 5 year cycles of estrangement with my BDP mother from when I was a child up until the last estrangement in 2004. I gave her second and third and fourth chances-- so closure of the relationship didn't happen until this last estrangement which had a great deal of experiences as the foundation. And in regard to my Dad, we had a precarious relationship since his 2nd marriage 30 years ago. So with both relationships, the end wasn't a quick and immediate occurrence-- and closure didn't happen quickly.

During each estrangement with my mother, I analyzed, soul searched, and dissected how we got to that point. So with each estrangement, more and more knowledge of my mother was acquired which ultimately gave me the strength to find closure with the last and final estrangement. With my Dad, I also analyzed, soul searched, and dissected our relationship and his narcissistic behavior-- and the final straw was how he was treating my newborn baby, my husband, and me. Closure with him was easier as his behavior was increasingly intense rather than Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde like my mother. My Dad was consistently self absorbed and malignantly narcissistic.

Formal steps for finding closure are as follows, however, remember that each and every one of us comes from unique sets of circumstances (abuse, family situations, personalities, etc) that these are simply a guideline:

1. Grieve the loss of your relationship and allow yourself to feel the pain of  the estrangement / no contact / break-up. Don’t avoid the hurt by distracting yourself from the reality because you can’t heal and move on until you’ve grieved.
2. Refrain from contacting the estranged. No contact means just that-- no contact. No contact means no contact on the phone, text, via social networking, spying online, emailing. Contacting the person will not change how you got to where you are in the relationship. Recovering from the grief is a difficult process that takes patience. Contacting your estranged may temporarily alleviate the pain, but contact is simply postponing the inevitable.
3. Spend time alone to reflect on the relationship's positive and the negative aspects. Be honest with yourself and don’t solely focus on the affirmative components of the relationship because you love / miss the person. 
4. Alter your perspective to include a positive outcome. Think about all that you’ve learned through the painful process and recognize that the agony will subside as you move on and look forward to what’s ahead in your life.

Former therapist, grief counselor and life coach Susan Elliott suggests: "Don't mistake grief for love. It's normal and natural to grieve any loss...even if the relationship was the worst in the world. Don't let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings. Part of the grief process is ‘review and relinquishment’ where it is necessary to process through the relationship. Unfortunately this review comes in the form of having the (estranged) on your mind constantly. It's a 'working through' and it doesn't mean you're not going to get over it, or that you still love the (estranged). It means your mind is doing the work it needs to do to process through it and get over it."

So as time goes on and you can intellectualize exactly the abuse you went through, how awful the treatment was from your parent(s) / family member / estranged... but you still miss having a mother to celebrate on Mother's Day or you wish for a loving and warm relationship with a parent or you may think you should consider giving the person a second chance since life is so short and you believe in forgiveness. Has closure been achieved? Not in my opinion. The missing and the wishing wouldn't be a part of your thought process if closure has been **officially** achieved. Acceptance has been achieved as you are proceeding through life with the understanding that the estrangement / no contact is in effect-- but closure hasn't occurred as thought patterns are swaying toward wanting to spend time or reconcile with the person.

In many ways, an estrangement of a parent or close family member is essentially like grieving the death of that parent / family member. In order to successfully work through the grief of a parent’s death, individuals need to be open to dealing with their emotions completely, to express them honestly, and discuss them with someone who can provide support. Only through this process will a person be able to resolve his or her grief which also applies to parental estrangement.

Closure happens when you can finally put the past to rest and not look back. Closure happens when you are content with the here-and-now.  Closure happens when you can be at peace with what happened and move on directly into the future confidently. May you find the closure you are seeking.

Is Spanking or Whipping Child Abuse?

With the recent flurry of media attention from the video gone viral by the daughter (Hillary Adams) of a Texas court judge (Judge William Adams), a lot of discussion has been taking place about whether the judge went above and beyond simple discipline of his child. For those of you who haven't seen the video, you can watch it here: Texas Judge Whips Daughter 

When I watched this video, I was out of breath with sweating palms and shaking hands. My heart was racing. I cannot believe that these parents treated their precious child with so much anger and venom. With all of the vulgarities and insults, this was not only an example of physical abuse but verbal abuse.

The parents' approach was not in a loving manner but in a controlling, angry, and out of control manner. The abuse seemed to never end. The father kept coming back for more-- and then the mother came into the room saying that the girl should take it like a woman. What a poor statement on the mother's behalf. And then the mother took the belt and whipped the girl one time- otherwise known as 'kicking the dog while its down'.

Anyway, this is FAR from a spanking. The judge was beating her on the front, back, sides, where-ever. And he kept coming back for more, yelling profanities the entire time:

• "I'll spank your f___ing face" "
• Get on your f___ing stomach" "
• Get on your G_d d__n stomach" 
• "I'll beat you into submission" 
• "You don't deserve to be in this f___ing house" 
• "I should just keep beating you and beating you, that's how upset I am" 
• "If you raise your f___ing voice one little bit to me or your mother ... or  look at me f__ing wrong I will wear your f___ing a__ out with this belt." 
• "You caused this with your dis-f__ing-obidence" 

My word! This is verbal abuse and so disheartening. Why are these parents (more so her father) talking so vulgarly to their daughter? Would they want her talking to them that way? What type of leadership are they illustrating to her? 

In regard to discipline, I have several points: 

1. The child should be spoken to in a calm and collect manner. 
2. The child should be told what he / she did incorrectly and what he / she should have done instead. 
3. The child should be allowed to express why he / she did what he / she did. 
4. The discipline that follows should be progressive. For the first incidence, the repercussion is _____  (time out, restriction, removal of item). For the second incidence, the repercussion should be more harsh (longer time out, longer restriction, longer period of removal of item). The third incidence (three strikes you're out) should be long term or permanent loss of privilege.
5. The discipline should be administered in a controlled and loving manner. If a parent is angry, the parent should walk away, take a breather, and then continue to address the incident. 
6. The discipline should never be the parent taking their frustrations out on their child. 
7. The child should know that he / she is loved and thus in a safe and secure environment-- not with a parent that is out-of-control. If the parent is out-of-control, trust is lost between parent and child; therefore, discipline is less effective.
8. The parent should lead by example. If the parent has a tantrum (like this judge in the video), what is the child learning? 

In this video, the girl apparently: (1) didn't use the computer strictly for school as instructed and (2) downloaded items that should have been downloaded from a pay-site. If the judge wanted to use a controlled spanking after he spoke with her about the two infractions, she should have known ahead of time that the repercussion is ________ number of spankings for each infraction. The discipline would have been calmly executed. After the spankings, the father should have lovingly spoken to her about what to correctly do next time-- reiterating that the computer is just used for school and no downloading of any kind. If this was the 2nd or 3rd infraction, progressive discipline should be administered.

I feel the more effective discipline, however, is restriction from use of computer as well as going online to pay for the downloads legally. Since she is 16 y/o and able to reason and discuss what is acceptable behavior as well as what is legal use of the Internet, talking to her in depth about these issues is valuable not only short-term but long-term. What did she learn about legally downloading items online by getting whipped and hearing profanities screamed at her? Additionally, having her research digital piracy, penalties for digital piracy, and other legal aspects of online usage related to her infraction would be greatly beneficial.

Another point is that the discipline should have a clear beginning and a clear ending. This judge did not have a clear ending with the whipping discipline. Therefore, in the case of a spanking, the beginning should take place after the initial talk about what she did incorrectly. The spanking then should take place with a countdown. Once the spanking is finished, a discussion of what needs to be improved should follow. This would conclude the discipline session. In the case of time outs or restrictions, again, there is a talk prior to the discipline. Thereafter, the time out or restriction follows. Once the time out or restriction ends, a follow-up discussion takes place regarding future expectations. 

The definition of physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.. This judge is illustrating abusive behavior due as he is clearly intimidating her by cowering over her, whipping her front / back / sides, picking her up off of the floor by the arm and pulling her back onto the bed, getting into her face, and more. He also intended to cause injury as he was using a belt (the biggest one he could find as he stated at the beginning), whipped her all over her front even when she wouldn't turn around for her bottom to be spanked, and kept beating her even after her cries for him to stop. He also caused physical suffering by continually coming back into the room for more as well as continuing to beat her when she refused to flip over onto her stomach.

He does not appear to want to improve her behavior but take out his rage on her, verbally and physically. Whipping her up and down the front of her body-- as well as chasing her around her bed-- is not teaching her anything about what she did wrong or how to correct it. What his behavior is simply doing is teaching her not to respect him. And with parenting, respect is of utmost importance. 

The mother is culpable as well. She did nothing to stop the father from taking out his temper tantrum on the daughter. She actually aided and abetted, adding in commentary to further wound the child mentally. The father shows that he is a control freak, and the mother further solidifies this stance by demanding the girl to be a submissive woman. My heart cried out to see a mother take this position-- and to compound the incident worse by taking the belt and whipping her daughter one time. That whipping was almost like kicking the dog one more time 'just because'... kicking the dog when it's down. Very sad state of affairs. I feel for this adult child of this abusive man (and mother-- who didn't have the courage, care, or insight to stop her raging husband). 

Bottom-line, we should love our children, lead by example, and solve issues with careful and controlled discipline. We are bestowed the greatest responsibility in the world, and we should take that responsibility and treat it with respect. We are the parents, and we should lead the way to a happy, secure, loving world. Flying of the handle uncontrollably and treating your child with such venom is not a way that child learn effectively. In fact, that type of treatment wounds the child, damages their sense of self, and hurts the child to the core. 

So is spanking or whipping a form of child abuse? If the spanking is used in a manner that is loving and respectful, then for SOME children, this MAY be an acceptable and productive way to discipline. Spanking is legal. But is spanking the right thing to do? There is a FINE LINE between spanking and physically abusing. Remember: physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm. Spanking in any case would be intimidating to a child, cause injury by bruising, and cause physical suffering by the mere act itself.

I have worked with children in all sorts of capacities, and I have always had to use discipline procedures that involve time outs and restrictions. I have never been able to use spankings- nor would I. I cannot imagine spanking, physically striking, or whipping a child.... period. And with all of the decades of dealing with children, I have been successful with children of all types using time outs and restrictions. The main key is consistency and progressive. I have had no problem getting compliance from large groups of kids by communicating expectations, having consistent repercussions for misbehavior, and follow-up with areas to improve. 

We tell our kids to keep their hands to themselves, not to hit, and to be nice. Shouldn't parents do the same? And if the school systems, day-cares, and other child care organizations don't spank, why is spanking alright for the parent to do? I say, let's treat our children with love-- as much love as possible. And let's give them the attention they need-- namely positive attention that let's them know we see what they're doing and care. And I believe you will get the best out of each and every one of them. As far as this judge, I pray he doesn't get re-elected. He presides over child abuse / custody cases and doesn't illustrate clear judgment about these topics as illustrated by this damaging video.

Autoimmune Disease and Borderline Personality Link

After the post about Overreactions to Illness and Hysteria with Borderline Personality, I have received many emails and comments about how their Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mothers have auto-immune diseases. Specifically, one reader wrote,  "I find it interesting that your mother was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, as my mother is also (she is diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and psoriasis). Although I know there is nothing that can be done to prevent an autoimmune disorder, I can't help but wonder why so many BPD individuals are diagnosed with them. A friend's BPD sister was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder as well. Now, this could be pure coincidence, but I was wondering if you had any thoughts on this topic or knew of any related research."

After this email, I thought researching this correlation further (BPD correlating with autoimmune diseases) would be interesting and revealing. And it sure was!

1. Individuals who have BPD or any of the other Axis II Cluster B's (BPD, NPD, ASPD, HPD) often suffer from autoimmune illness due to the stress and elevated cortisol levels which  induce a cascade of autoimmune issues. 
2. Autoimmune-related inflammation may exacerbate BPD symptoms or vice versa.
3. Present data demonstrate a clinically significant, longitudinal correlation between fluctuating antithyroid antibody titers and symptoms of BPD psychopathology.

Further, keep in mind that BPD is also associated with less healthy lifestyle choices (e.g., smoking, alcohol use, lack of regular exercise) which can cause a myriad of health challenges, problems, and diseases.  With this article, however, we are focused on the connection between BPD and autoimmune disease specifically.

First off,  BPD can have a major impact on physical health. BPD individuals often endure chronic medical conditions and pain disorders such as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, obesity, diabetes, hypertension, arthritis, and back pain (Psyche Solve). Additionally, individuals who have BPD or any of the other Axis II Cluster B's (BPD, NPD, ASPD, HPD) often suffer from autoimmune illness due to the stress and elevated cortisol levels which  induce a cascade of autoimmune issues. In normal circumstances, cortisol keeps the immune system in homeostasis, preventing inflammation from going out of control. In many patients with autoimmune diseases, this cortisol response and the cascade of brain hormones that stimulates its release are impaired, so there is no shutoff valve to end inflammation when it is no longer needed. In other patients, the cortisol response may be intact but immune cells are resistant to the anti-inflammatory effects of cortisol due to abnormalities in the cortisol receptor. In both circumstances, inflammation goes on unchecked without the dampening effect of the body own cortisol (American Autoimmune).

Next, in the book, "Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Jerold J. Kreisman M.D. and Hal Stras, the authors draw a connection between autoimmune disorders and BPD. The following is an excerpt: Some researchers have investigated the connection of BPD to autoimmune disorders, in which the body has a kind of allergic reaction to itself and produces antibodies to its own organs. One example, rheumatoid arthritis, is associated with an unusually high prevalence of BPD. One study followed a woman with fluctuating BPD symptoms over a period of nine months while measuring her antithyroid antibodies. These investigators discovered significantly lower levels of the antibodies during periods when her depression and psychosis ratings were low, and higher levels when her symptoms increased. This finding suggests that autoimmune-related inflammation may exacerbate BPD symptoms or vice versa.

The following abstract is focused on the same issue, that BPD and autoimmune disease are correlated. And the conclusion is that a relationship between thyroid hormones / autoimmunity and BPD exists. Before reading, understand that antithyroid antibodies are antibodies directed against the thyroid gland (a gland which produces thyroid hormones). Antithyroid antibodies can be associated with inflammation of the thyroid gland and affect its function. Testing for antithyroid antibodies in the blood is useful in the diagnosis of some thyroid and other disorders including: Hashimoto thyroiditis (an autoimmune thyroid disease), Graves disease (overactivity of the thyroid), hypothyroidism (underactivity of the thyroid), thyroid cancer, Lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, autoimmune hemolytic anemia and Sjogren syndrome. Now to that abstract... deep breath and read on:

Circulating thyroid autoantibodies are more prevalent in patients with mood disorders than in the general population, but longitudinal clinical data that establish a relationship between thyroid antibody status and the course of any psychiatric syndrome have been lacking. In addition, scant attention has been paid to thyroid hormones and autoimmunity in borderline personality disorder (BPD). We report a case of a patient with classic BPD whose fluctuating mood and, especially, psychotic symptoms-rated using a double-blind method-were directly linked to antithyroglobulin antibody titers serially determined over an inpatient period of 275 d. Significantly lower psychosis and depression ratings were seen during a 4-wk period of relatively low antithyroid antibody titers, during blinded treatment with carbamazepine, than were observed during two high autoantibody epochs. The significant positive correlations between nurse- and patient-rated depression and thyroid autoantibodies over the entire period of inpatient study were similar to those also observed between urinary free cortisol levels and depression; the positive correlation between antithyroglubulin antibody titers and psychotic symptoms was stronger (r = +0.544; p < 0.002). Although this patient had biochemical indices of primary hypothyroidism, she showed only marginal improvement to triiodothyronine (T3) and no apparent clinical response to sustained levorotatory thyroxine (T4) administration; neither were antithyroid antibody titers significantly associated with changes in T3, free T4, or thyroid-stimulating hormone concentrations. She clinically deteriorated during a 50-d fluoxetine trial. The present data demonstrate a clinically significant, longitudinal correlation between fluctuating antithyroid antibody titers and symptoms of borderline psychopathology in our patient. It will be of interest to determine the prevalence, pathophysiologic mechanisms, and treatment implications of this putative autoimmune- BPD link.

Another interesting observation is that medical conditions which cause organic behavioral function may result in a clinical picture that mimics to some degree BPD. Hormonal dysfunction over a long period, or brain dysfunction (e.g. the encephalopathy caused by lyme disease) can result in identity disturbance and mood lability, as can many other chronic medical conditions such as Lupus. These conditions may isolate the patient socially and emotionally, and/or cause limbic damage to the brain. However, this is not BPD which results, but rather a reaction to the isolating circumstances caused by a medical condition and the possibly coincident struggles of the patient to control his or her mood given damage to the brain's limbic system (Wikipedia).

So, with the reports coming from Kreisman and Stras as well as scientific exploration into the correlation between autoimmune diseases and BPD, we may be closer to finding out if indeed a direct link exists. At this point, the assumption seems pretty strong that a link does exist-- and solid research has already been conducted and concluded in regard to bipolar and autoimmune diseases. With BPD gaining more attention, more studies will be conducted. I will be very interested to see the results. A link exists as high levels of stress have been proven to trigger autoimmune diseases; however, does the reverse apply? Does an autoimmune disease bring about BPD?