When the emails finally stop coming, when the notes on your car disappear, when the phone finally stops ringing, and any necessary restraining orders are in place, what happens next?
I've been NC for nearly four years now. I speak from the experience of being a child of a uBPD/uNPD marriage, so your situation may be different. However, I think these tips can help anyone who's returning from Oz and trying to re-adjust to life on Earth.
1) When the BPD relationship goes away, don't expect YOUR habits of reacting to go away.
Eliminating the harsh, difficult-to-navigate relationship with the BPD will bring a lot of relief to your heart. However, all of us as nons developed habits to allow us to cope in these relationships. These include, but are not limited to:
a) being hyper-sensitive to other people's moods
b) rescuing
c) apologizing all the time
d) tiptoeing around others (being afraid to offend others, not voicing our own opinions, changing opinions so that others
will like us, etc.)
e) continuing habits that they ingrained in you ("the cabinets should be organized this way." "Why do you make your
bed that way?" )
f) feeling bored without all the drama that a BPD relationship causes
All of these habits can be conquered, but it will take time, therapy, and practice to do so. You will fail a time or two, and that is completely normal. Just don't expect them to go away simply because the abuser is out of the picture.
2) Perfectionism does not equal "normal"
Now that we have the freedom to pursue healthy relationships, it's only natural that we will want to avoid unhealthy patterns at all costs.
However, we must resist the temptation to fit everything into the mold of what we perceive as "normal." Homes, friendships, relationships, and families cannot fit into the idealized pictures we have in our heads. After being away from "Earth" and in "OZ" for so long, we may be a bit disillusioned when we discover that Earth is not paradise.
For example, my uBPD was my mom, so therefore I try to be a "perfect mom" so that I won't continue in the BPD family tradition. "If the house isn't magazine-perfect, or the clothes not ironed, or the baby not totally happy, then I MUST be just like my mom." That's a lie, but it's still easy to believe.
The truth is that all people--even the non-crazy ones---are imperfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and we will too. In our pursuit of a normal, healthy life, we must not worship perfection. As we return from Oz, we must be gentle to ourselves as we re-adjust to Earth's gravity.
3) Be prepared for "The Nag"
Being in a relationship with a BPD can put you under a pile of negative comments. Both my momster and the other BPD in my life (an ex-friend) had a particular gift for words. They knew exactly what to say that would hurt. LONG after they were gone, as I went about my daily (imperfect) life, every time I would fail, I would hear this little voice pop up and say,
"See, you didn't return that girl's phone call, you really are a lousy friend."
"Your husband isn't home YET? I told you he would leave you someday."
"Oh god, have you not lost that baby weight yet? Your husband's eyes will start roving."
"You're just like your mother--see? Your daughter's crying and you can't make her stop. She won't even eat right."
These awful words do not disappear with the person. I envisioned a witch (with a long, warty nose) who would follow me around and wag her finger at me, telling me all the things I was doing wrong. I named her "The Nag," and I've come to understand that she can stay with me long after uBPD momster and ex-friend have hit the highway. Again, just like #2, I have to understand that no one is perfect,and I am not perfect, even if my uBPD's expected me to be.
We must learn to recognize the lies, and consistently counter these lies with truth. That means saying positive, affirming things to yourself when these lies come at you like flaming arrows. Yes, it feels hokey at first, but as nons, we're often not used to believing positive things about ourselves. We have to start somewhere.
"My husband has not left, he's just at a meeting, and he'll be home soon."
"All kids cry sometimes, and all kids have foods they don't like. That doesn't make me a bad mom."
If you can't turn the lies into truth, at least write them down, and ask yourself, "Would I say this to another person?"
4) Expect others to not understand, and have a plan.
Pastors, neighbors, well-meaning relatives, and perfect strangers may be dragged into your life by the BPD. After hearing his/her sob story, these innocent bystanders will all be more than happy to give you their opinion on your choices. They can spend endless amounts of time and energy trying to persuade you to re-establish contact. After being controlled by the BPD for so long, the words from the others can deeply hurt, and make you doubt your own decisions and sanity.
"But she's your mom. You can't cut her out of your life."
"I saw her, she wasn't that bad."
"Why don't you consider the good times too?"
"Well, there's two sides to every story....." (with the implication that part of it must be YOUR fault as well.)
"The Bible says honor your father and mother."
"I think she might commit suicide if you don't talk to her."
Any suicide threats need to be taken to 911, not to YOU.
As the Non, you must remember that BPD's can present different sides of themselves to different people. DO NOT, under any circumstances, allow someone else's perception of the BPD to influence your decision. They may see a completely different person than the one YOU see.
For your own sanity, document everything. Write down memories in a journal, record conversations if possible, and give yourself the gift of TRUSTING your own perceptions.
If a friend or family member is persistent (and therefore harmful) in their attempts to reconcile the two of you, you should consider going no-contact, or extremely limited contact, with that person as well.
5) Have plans for holidays, family occasions, etc.
The one good thing about holidays is that they typically don't change. smiley Christmas doesn't sneak up on us. Thanksgiving is always in November. Religions that follow the lunar calendar know at least year in advance when they'll be facing a potential family-get-together.
That gives you plenty of time to plan. What will you do? Who will you see? Who will you not see? Who will be attending? Where will we go? And the most important question why are you doing all these things?
It's all-to-easy to subject yourself to unnecessary stress, or even break NC, because:
"It's Yom Kippur, we're suppossed to forgive each other, right?"
"Let's have a little Christmas spirit!"
"This is the way we've done it every year---how dare you make us change it around YOUR needs?"
Family traditions are great, but in BPD-enmeshed families, they're often a dysfunctional dance on eggshells. Take the time to seriously evaluate if you will participate, why you want to participate, and what the consequences will be.
Every year since going NC with my mother, every Thanksgiving has been a no-holds-barred "Get Taylor to talk to her mom" pseudo-therapy session. I finally decided that holidays were suppossed to be celebrated in joy, not obligation and guilt. I decided to spend holiday with my friends and immediate family, and was amazed by the peace I felt.
6) Allow yourself to grieve.
Even though the BPD is gone, the pain and the memories can pop up at the most random places. Just like grieving a death, so many things can trigger memories of your relationship. Processing through this pain allows you to heal. Stuffing or denying the pain also denies you the opportunity to heal, just like ignoring a broken bone. Expecting the pain can make the experience less of a shock to your system.
The first Christmas I spent at my husband's house, I noticed how his mom had made displays of all the awards he had earned in high school and college. There were photos and notes about his accomplishments, and smiling pictures of my husband with his family.
I sat on the bed and wept like a child. I knew that there was no house anywhere on the planet where my accomplishments would be treasured like that, except as a source of narcissistic supply.
At the time, I allowed myself to think, "Aw, maybe I'm grieving because I should be with my BPD." No, that's not true. Grief is a response to a loss, not an indicator that you did the wrong thing. Grief should be looked on as a natural part of this process. Experience it, learn from it, and continue to grow. But do not allow the grief to carry you back into the relationship.
7) Understand that you WILL second-guess yourself....
....but that is NOT a reason to break NC.
Distance from the BPD is a double-edged sword.
On the one hand, it allows us the freedom to think our own thoughts, feel our own feelings, and live our own lives. On the other hand, without the constant reminder of the BPD's presence, it also allows us to forget many of the reasons why we went NC in the first place. Good memories of our time together with the BPD can bubble up to the surface. We can find ourselves wondering if we were intolerably cruel to the BPD, if we were bad children/lovers/friends, or if we were, in fact, the crazy ones.
This is where the journaling in step 4 becomes invaluable. Whenever you start wondering "Should I re-establish contact?" the first thing you need to do is re-read your records of why you went NC to begin with.
Has anything changed? Has the BPD admitted that she has a problem and needs help? Will the relationship be any different, or will the BPD simply use your period of NC as further evidence that you did, in fact, abandon her/act disloyal/break her trust, yadda yadda yadda....?
I was very fortunate. I went NC before I knew anything about BPD, so I was totally navigating in the blind. About every three months (especially when I was pregnant) I would long for my mom with such a deep intensity that it was physically painful.
By the Grace of God, right as I was about to re-establish contact, my mother would pick that exact time to do something stupid. I'd get 5 messages on my voice mail that ranged from friendly (like nothing ever happened) to psychotic--in the space of two hours. I'd get re-engaging phone calls from family members saying that, "Something is wrong with your mom, she needs you right away." No, she doesn't. She just called me chewing me out. She's fine.
This happened five separate times. My husband used to say, "Hey, you're due for another family crisis, it's been 3 months since the last one." :smiley
You will doubt yourself. Count on it. Heck, if it helps, write it on your calendar two months from now: "You'll probably wonder if you should break NC. Don't."
8 ) Take care of yourself.
In her book "Understanding the Borderline Mother," Lawson shares that survivors of concentration camps would shower regularly, even though they knew there was a chance they could die that day. The survivors later said that they could tell who had given up hope, by whether or not that person showered. Lawson goes on to urge people that have survived a relationship with a borderline to "bathe themselves in goodness and light," by taking care of their bodies, minds, and spirits.
__________________________
My friend found this piece as a post on BPD Family: Facing the Facts. The tid-bits of wisdom and guidance that Taylor provides are spot-on, insightful, and has advice that each one of us BPD survivors (or others estranged from family members) can extract. Hope you enjoyed!
Very well written. Definitely gives me insight into what I can expect while I continue this No Contact journey.
ReplyDeleteI guess it doesn't feel quite real yet, although I'm only on month 2. Also, my therapist recommended writing a letter and sending to the aging BPD woman who raised me... not attacking or rehashing, but to explain how the relationship has become a burden on both of us and why I no longer want contact. Basically so she can have something material to refer to rather than only her distorted memory of what transpired. What is your opinion on sending a "breakup" letter?
Thanks,
J
Hello J, Thank you for taking time to stop by, read, and comment. In regard to the "break-up letter", writing the piece may give you a feeling of closure, which since you said it "doesn't feel quite real yet". My advice is to go ahead and write the letter but don't send it. You could take it to the therapist if you want to share it with him / her. My view about sending the letter to the BPD is that the BPD is not rational or reasonable-- you wouldn't be where you are right now if she were, right? So, why would this letter be received any differently from any of the communications in the past? The letter, if sent, may stir up the fury of the BPD and begin a rage. During the last conflict with my BPD mother that led to the current estrangement (6 years), all communication on her part became more blown out of proportion, more distorted from the truth, and more more manipulated. Even when I explained how I felt, with all the purity and honesty I had, she still ripped everything apart-- and also started a campaign of denigration against me by trying to enlist my family, friends, and colleagues. So, due to my experience, I feel as if the contact would only stir up trouble rather than accomplish any good. Writing a letter and not sending it, however, could help to clarify your thoughts, put things into clearer perspective, and give you a way of purging your brain. As you can see, I use writing as as way of therapy :) I hope this helps. Best of luck to you-- and if you would like to communicate, feel free to email me (gretel.ella.smith@gmail.com).
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you are public again, I loved reading your post's. You helped point me in the right direction when searching for help with my mother whom I believe has BPD. Thanks for Everything
ReplyDeleteAwww, thanks! :) And I am so very happy to have helped point you in the right direction. More power and happiness to you <3
ReplyDeleteThis was just the information I have been seeking! How to adjust to life after going no contact is difficult and this posting was very helpful! thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou are so welcome! Wonderful that you found it helpful :)
ReplyDeleteHappy to have found your blog. I am almost 37 years old and I am the child of a mother who, I now realize through therapy and research, has BPD. She at times (many times) could be cruel and selfish--majority of the time. She would drive drunk with us in the car when we were small, drink for months on end, find "Jayeesus" for about 6 months, go back to drinking, fly in rages. It worsened as we got older.
ReplyDeleteShe brought a convicted rapist into the house whom she was involved with many years before he was jailed and he was inappropriate with me, I avoided him. My stepfather sexually abused me before this, she enjoyed humiliating me in front of my friends and family and blamed me for not telling her about my stepfather, she read a diary that I once tried to keep and beat the hell out of me for kissing a boy (she thought I kissed the black boy in the group, she has always been very racist), she constantly accused me of lying, would work like hell to isolate me form my friends, was grossly overprotective.......you know what, you all get the idea at this point no need to go on (and on and on and on). This is the very first time that I have written these words down.
Anyway, the first time I ever heard "borderline personality disorder" was through my therapist, she strongly suspected that my mother had BPD based on what I told her. I had to go back into therapy because the last month and a half has been so very hard.
My problem is this: my mother has chilled out a lot towards me and treats me like gold. It took me until I was in my early 30s to even realize that I was abused as a child (she moved in with me a few times in my 20s, what adult does that with their 20-something child????) She has been married/divorced 4 times, and after havibng a job for 7 years, could not keep a job any longer than two weeks. My mother is not abusive towards me anymore, though she is isolated, shows bizarre behavior, is a Christian fundamentalist, which feeds her illness, and is still racist. She cannot understand why I am insecure about my talents and feel guilty about everything.
I worked menial jobs until about age 25, then I went to college. I now have both a BA and an MA and would like to go for my MFA when things get a little easier financially. I have been married to a wonder husband for 5 years (we have been together for 6.5 years).
I came into therapy a couple of years ago quite angry, now I am just sad. I feel wistful when I encounter adults who have great parents. "you are lucky that you have such a great mom (or dad)" I would say.
I will now get to the point and reason why I am posting, which ties into your post: anyone who would look at my mother and I would wonder why I have cut her out of my life. She is nice to me now, but in the past few years I have become very, very angry and now sad over the way she has treated me. I have never held a real job, I am an emotional wreck, I have trouble interacting with people, I see them as mean if the inflection in their voices change when talking to me. I cut people off if I feel alienated or wronged. My relationship with my husband is the only good and stable relationship in my life. We get along 95% of the time, though we argue occasionally, like all couples. I become so distressed when we argue I pack a suitcase and try to leave and demand a legal separation (he stops me, I eventually settle down, and we talk about it, and it is okay again, the arguments are usually over trivial stuff).
Point is (sorry my thoughts are so scattered here): I am a fucking mess. My mother conveniently gets to move forward, and I have cut her out of my life. But I feel guilty about it because she is not mean to me now as an adult.
I only have a second, and will respond longer later, but I want to let you know how much your post touched me. Keep searching, keep reading / researching, keep digging for understanding... and slowly the mess will clear and you will have clarity. Also, listen to your instincts...
ReplyDeleteMore later. HUGS!
Lucinda (did you see my post above?). I have some points for you to ponder :)
ReplyDelete1. did you try talking to your mother about the past and about your present feelings before cutting her out of your life?
2. BPD's cycle... my mother could be so nice & sweet for years and then turn into a completely opposite person within a day. The cycles are typically 5 years on / 5 years off. So, even though your mother may be 'nice' now, you are correct in feeling wary that the situation could turn at any point.
3. I don't blame you for wanting to protect yourself by cutting your mother out of your life. Just because she is 'nice' right now does not erase all the trauma and toxicity that happened in the past. Did she own up to what she did / behaved? Did she apologize to you? Did she say she was sorry for the abuse from your step-father? Did she say that you have a right to own your feelings-- and that your feelings are valid based on all that you have endured through the years at her hands (YOUR OWN MOTHER'S HANDS)?
4. If a friend treated you like your mother has treated you, would you still be friends with that person? If a friend put you into these awful and abusive situations, would you still hang out with that friend? Just because this woman is your mother doesn't give her a special pass to always be in your life. Just because this woman is your mother doesn't give her the right to treat you poorly. More than anything, because she's your mother she SHOULD provide safety / security, support, and LOVE. You didn't get to pick your mother-- but you certainly don't have to opt for further abuse, trauma, toxicity, and dysfunction.
5. You have worked very hard to improve your situation and yourself. Give yourself credit for that. Love yourself. Keep focusing on those around you who value you, love you unconditionally, and who protect you. Your mother appears to have been very careless with you and the relationship with you. You don't need that in your life. Surround yourself with those that are happy, positive, and happy.
Please feel free to contact me at anytime: gretel.ella.smith@gmail. I'll be praying for you. HUGS!
You cannot reason with unreasonable people.
DeleteLucinda, I am completely estranged from my mother and I believe it's because I finally cut ties. My mother did cruel things to me (but not my brother) and would be "nice" to me for a few years, then threaten to send me to my dad's (her perceived boogeyman), then ask me back, then kick me out again. I remember this starting at age 10 for me, by age 16 she left me and got married again, and I finally cut off all contact at age 23. I feel like I'm a fucking mess sometimes too, but my wonderful husband reminds me what is happening and I hum ohm. I know it sounds lame, but when I start freaking out I chant in my head, ohm and think about living in the present. Because I have a BPD parent, I have had issues with trust and making friends. My husband (an only child to very elderly parents) and I do not have a support system. It's hard to make adult friends in your 20s and 30s. People are very wrapped up in their family lives and their longterm friends. I lost contact with people from when I was younger because I moved away from my family and because my mother would lie about me. You are not alone. Read that great book that Gretel suggests and you will begin to heal. Sometimes I wish I had cut off contact before we had an "incident" because it gave her a story to tell people making it seem like I wronged her. I made the mistake of sending her a letter with my feelings and a request for a truce per my therapist's advice...made it worse. If you choose to end contact even while she is being "nice" it could still be a good decision as her bad cycle is probably coming. This way you would feel empowered. I only got to feel like she dumped me.
ReplyDeleteMy mom has been giving me the silent treatment for over a month after I told her I was moving out of the country (on a one year exchange).
ReplyDeleteI called her one week later and she was in hysterics and called me a bitch an told me to f off before hanging up on me. Then she wouldn't drive me to my grandmas funeral and has ignored me since then.
I had to spend Christmas by myself because of this too -- and I don't really know what to do at this point. I almost feel it would be healthier for me not to talk to her anymore, but I think I should probably give her a chance. It is so difficult with someone giving you the silent treatment, because you know they are trying to make you squirm and I don't want her to think that this is okay or acceptable at all.
This is the first time I've ever tried to do anything like this before (move away) as I knew it would end in this kind of rage. I will be moving in two months, and if we don't talk before then, I don't know when we would.
Sorry this turned into a rant, I just found your blog and can't believe how close to home this is hitting for me. I want to be excited about this new chapter in my life but feel like this guilt and nonsense she is pulling is going to drag me down.
Hi Jenny-- Have you read this post yet? http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/09/silent-treatment-by-borderline-mothers.html I am sorry you are feeling guilt and being dragged down-- you will find strength in the situation. Hang in there-- keep positive and looking forward. The silent treatment is a form of abuse-- and you deserve to be treated better.
ReplyDeleteI have had NC with my BPD mother for two years. As a result, I have also had NC with my grandmother who lives with my mother. As in #4, my contact with my grandmother had to be ended as she was relentless about me reconciling with my mother. I could hear my mother's words echoing in my grandmother's voice each time I talked to her. My mother has manipulated and lied to my grandmother, to the point where the two were almost as one. Now, I am in the unfortunate situation where my aging grandmother is sick and in the hospital. Part of me wants to see her and the other part of me wants to continue NC. I just don't know what to do?
ReplyDeleteAs per the above post, my grandmother was my enlightened witness when I lived at home as an infant, child and teenager and then through my twenties. However, the aging process and the onset of dementia have led her to believe my BPD mother's "reality" is her own. Which in turn, has led me to have NC with my grandmother as she has been just as toxic as my mother. I have had a tougher time with NC with my grandmother than my mother. I think it is because my grandmother is also a victim of my mother's illness.
ReplyDeleteBPD younger sister, made my childhood a misery, with her lies etc on the one hand and her fantastic caring persona on the other – confusing - yes. Over the years I have been the one she came to in times of great distress. Until she landed her second rich husband then I was not needed any more, so she chose NC. I grieved this loss. The NC lasted for years until I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2003, and she became my secondbest friend (so she had something to tell her friends, ‘my poor sister with BC’).
ReplyDeleteI soon realised that my sister’s opinion of me was based on our last interaction. (This may work with daughters of BPD mothers to have a peaceful relationship) So long as I was overly positive, supportive, gave her gifts, things were ‘good’. I knew full well that I was manipulating the relationship, through her lies etc, as it suited me at the time. Last year I decided to be honest and some interesting arguments ensued. She again is NC me. Sort of a catch 22 – if I want a relationship with my sister, I have to play the game and in away be dishonest. At the moment I am not paying the game…Watch this space.
First and foremost, thank you so much for your words of comfort and care. My wife and I just recently went no contact with my entire family. The bulk of the family members involved are a histrionic personality disorder/Narcissist father and mother is more than likely a chronic control freak/manipulator who enmeshed herself with me growing up while my alcoholic/drug addicted father distanced himself from me and my sister. So, I took on the paternal role of my father for my sister and the role of husband for my mother. My sister is highly manipulative and resembles the same characteristics as that of my mother. My dad's family are also very narcissistic in their appearance and attitude. My parents and grandparents on my dad's side used religion to undermine me and guilt me into thinking I was wrong and used various tactics to get their "supply" back using religion as guilt source (I am a devoted Christian and love the good Lord with all my heart and soul).
DeleteI am writing today because my grandmother on my mom's side has no idea what is going on, and has also been controlled and manipulated by my mother. She called yesterday to tell me she had my christmas presents and birthday card (birthday is in december) and I did not go to get them and feel awful. I feel like I would be throwing in the towel if I went over to get the presents and since she is heavily manipulated and controlled by my mother, she would call her and tell her I stopped by and would reopen communication with my narcissistic parents and sibling.
Am i doing the right thing here? My wife and I are terribly stressed but turn to God's divine guidance and assistance through this mess daily. We don't have any kids thank God, so the situation could always be worse i guess, right?
Hi, Thank you so much for this, a valuable read. I am shortly to go no contact. Def the right decision. Appreciate your take on not sending the letter. Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteMy husband & I have gone No Contact for a year and it has been a series of power struggles but reassuring that we have made the right choice.
ReplyDeleteMy in-laws have it in their head that my husband--their only child--ought to be loyal to them over me, his wife & the mother of our three children. There is a lot of score keeping, they malign my character, my parenting & my kids themselves.
After establishing boundaries over and over only to have them ignore them, we finally said we need a break. Immediately, they considered that an act of aggression and terminated their relationship with their son and began playing the victims, crying that I am withholding their grandchildren and breaking up the family.
More distortion campaigns to relatives that my husband abandoned them, they threatened us, denigrated and belittled both of us, alienated us from the extended family.
Now my father-in-law engaged in stalking and sending more cryptic emails that he knows what we have been up to, he frequently stands by our kids' school holding up balloons and signs declaring his love for his grandchildren. My mother-in- law tracked us down at the neighborhood pool, screamed that I am a bitch in front of her grandchildren and their classmates and called me a liar and threw a glass of wine at me. She continues to say to others that I am the troublemaker and she will never forgive me.
The police says to file restraining orders. Won't that give them more attention? Right now we just ignore everything though lately they are starting to send more emails to my husband and how they miss him. As if nothing has ever happened. He just ignores their crazy attempts to engage.
Dear Gretel Ella,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you grew up in such stressful environment (based on the description you offered of each of your parents).
I believe your postings might help many people feel understood and relieved that they are not the only ones going through such hard upbringing. And I think you give a valuable appreciation of your experience, especially for those growing up in the same culture you did (I assume you have an Anglo-Saxon cultural background; please correct me if I am mistaken).
All the above said --if I may I add some diverse cultural perspective to your audience-- I firmly believe that the description you offer of your mother, might make a very high percentage of those belonging to some cultures other than the Anglo-Saxon, look like they have a personality disorder, such as the one you describe.
I state this, because those raised in cultures such as the Italian or Spanish and also some cultures in the Middle East and in other regions, tend to express themselves in a much more colorful way (not by the use of violence, but just with louder sounds and physical gestures), often mistaken by Anglo-Saxons as "too emotional" or "unbalanced".
The above derives from a cultural "shock". What basically happens in the cases I am referring to is that those other cultures are read with Anglo-Saxon codes (language), therefore, misreading the "other culture" (Latin, Middle Eastern, African, etc.) codes. All which often leads to confusion and misconception and the wrong perception of being in the presence of a person who suffers from a mental pathology (a personality disorder or other conditions) when in reality, all there is, is a series of different codes (ways of expression) than those used by the person receiving ("reading") the message.
My guess and hope is that other readers like me (with a mixed background that allows the ability to "read" and detect these types of cultural "shocks") add their own perspective and experience to my comments, so that members of different cultures who read your blog can understand each other better, without quickly concluding that they are interacting with a mentally unbalanced person, when they meet or interact with someone who is just expressing himself or herself using codes different than those used by the Anglo-Saxon world (the latter tends to praise the repression of emotions, versus most Latin cultures, for example, which tend to value exactly the opposite).
My comments only seek better understanding. I hope they are not misinterpreted. I apologize in advance to anyone who might feel offended by them.
Best regards,
Isha
I am Shannon by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address aisabulovespell@gmail.com , have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr.Aisabu. His email: aisabulovespell@gmail.com ,,
ReplyDeleteI can't thank you enough for this article. I am reading this 6 years after you wrote this, and I can assure you that 6 years later you are still making a huge impact with this. I feel like you are my life saver right now with this article. I just discovered a little less than a year ago (when I was 21) that my mother is BPD and it was a huge eye opener for me. This realization has helped me grow and cope with what I had to deal with growing up and what I still have to deal with, as I am still unfortunately living with my BPD mother and still have to endure her abuse. But my boyfriend and I are looking into buying a home soon and I plan in going no contact with her as soon as we move out (now at the age of 22). It will be hard though because we will be living in the same town due to the fact that all of our family lives here and they all help out with my infant son. I would also love for my infant son to grow up with all of his family which love him and us very much, I just don't want contact with his grandmother (my mother). I realize how hard this will be while we are living in the same town, and knowing that everyone we know is here and I know for a fact that she will start a smear campaign against me and try using everyone else to try to get me back. However I am sick and tired of the abuse, of not being able to be myself or live my life, of being insecure and extremely depressed, and scared all the time. I'm done. And I really don't want my son to grow up in the same environment that I had to grow up in. I am so extremely damaged because of her and I know it will take a lot of work and a lot of time to finally be "normal", and I'm more than ready to go no contact and begin this life long process-because I do believe that it will take a life time to repair all of this damage. It seems like this post speaks to me. It seems like I was made specifically for me, like if it were about my life story and the journey that I am about to embark on, and I've even book marked it and will be referring back to it to help me with this. Thank you again so much.
ReplyDeleteIn counseling for aftermath of abusive mother. .. Counselor says estrangement from her (i.e. cutting her off) is "unnaturAL." i EXPLAINED to him that her abusive was unnatural as well, if we want to focus on natural. Should I discuss w/counselor that I felt judged or look for a new counselor?
ReplyDeleteIMO, I would not follow what someone else is telling you (even though this person is a presumably trained counselor)as you clearly know in your heart of hearts and in your mind what is best for you. You should find a supportive counselor who is equipped to guide you through your healing as well as no-contact adjustments. Hope this helps! All the best to you.
DeleteI'm a teen who's attempting no-contact (although because of a 7 year court spree I am no longer forced to see her) but I still see her family for Holidays. She always tries to message and email me, which is difficult. All I ever wanted is for her to get "better."
ReplyDeleteShe could be so sweet and kind sometimes, but that just made her manipulations and anger more painful. Her birthday just passed, and I had to wade through my memories once again. And I remembered why I maintain no contact, even when she comments on my blog, or creates YET ANOTHER ACCOUNT to message me. Mom, seriously, no.
But then I saw her at City Hall (where I eat lunch) and felt like I'd been spooked by a ghost. She looks sick and I feel like it's my fault, even though I know I couldn't change anything. I didn't talk to her, she didn't even seem to recognize me as I ran back outside and paced for half an hour.
For me, NC is the only option left. I feel so much damage from my mom, and when I talk about it other people will say things like "that doesn't make any sense" as if I'm making it all up. I see that when others talk about being distant with fathers, people seem to be sympathetic. But I feel a pressure to keep silent, which I'm working on overcoming.To all who choose this method, I wish you the best!!