The Borderline and Emotional Intelligence

The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) individual distinctively has a challenge managing emotions. Whether the emotions stem from the fear of rejection or abandonment, acting appropriately in social settings, handling children with love & affection, or spinning into manic or depressive states, the emotions of the BPD are intense, unpredictable, and volatile.

The BPD may be socially inappropriate, to the point of embarrassing those around her. Through all the books & research that I have encountered regarding BPD, I haven't heard any of the experts mention Emotional Intelligence (EI). In fact, as of 2008, the relationship between EI and BPD had only been examined in less than a hand-full of studies.

Salovey and Mayer define EQ as, "The ability to perceive emotion, integrate emotion to facilitate thought, understand emotions and to regulate emotions to promote personal growth." In the most recent study (Wiley Interscience 2008), a relationship between EI and BPD was recently identified. EI was found to overlap considerably with alexithymia (an inability to experience & communicate feelings consciously and a construct associated with emotion processing & emotion regulation). The relationship between alexithymia and BPD suggest that difficulty identifying, differentiating, understanding and communicating emotions and feelings (somatic sensations) impairs ability to regulate emotions. An inability to discriminate emotions and somatic sensations explains why people with BPD who are distressed use deliberate self-harm as a means to emotion regulation.

Another study (Emotional Intelligence and Borderline Personality Disorder) suggests that the affective instability, chronic feelings of emptiness and inappropriate, intense anger of BPD are all indicative of challenges with processing emotion or low EI. Similarly, other characteristics of BPD such as impulsivity, self-harm, fear of abandonment and dissociative symptoms are abnormal responses to emotions; therefore, those with low EI might display these behaviors and characteristics due to insufficient ability to manage their emotions. Additionally, a low EI is related to all the main BPD symptoms.

I can affirmatively conclude that BPD is the contributing factor for the mess of emotions and resulting erratic behavior that my BPD mother exhibits. From a very early age, I realized how inappropriate my mother is in social settings, how she didn't manage herself very well in personal settings, and how she didn't really have a 'filter'. After I studied EI while earning my master's degree, as well as studied BPD, I know that my mother may have a high Intelligence Quotient (IQ) but a very low EI. Let's discuss the constructs and how they apply to my mother (Understanding My Borderline Mother):

1. Self-awareness — the ability to read one's emotions and recognize their impact while using gut feelings to guide decisions. Due to my mother's overwhelming fear of rejection and abandonment, her gut feelings are tainted, and thus her decisions are rash, quick to judge, and irrational.
   
2. Self-management — involves controlling one's emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances. She has very little self management and doesn't adjust her reactions or behavior according to the situation. Therefore, she will act the same at a fine dining dinner party as she would in a concert. She will act the same with rowdy friends as she would with professional colleagues of her husband's. She doesn't filter what she says, talking about some of the most inappropriate topics and subsequently doesn't observe the reactions of others as these rude things are coming out of her mouth. She doesn't take any context cues from those around her, not realizing she is offending so many, and thus not managing herself appropriately.
   
3. Social awareness — the ability to sense, understand, and react to others' emotions while comprehending social networks. She does not react to other's context cues in social situations, realizing one person should be handled in one way, whereas another should be handled differently. She will be boisterous and aggressive to each individual regardless of how they present themselves to her-- and she doesn't acknowledge, in her actions, the differences in those in the social setting.
   
4. Relationship management — the ability to inspire, influence, and develop others while managing conflict. She manages to deflate, demotivate, and destruct those close to her. Although she appears loving, supportive, and empathetic to the outsider, her sudden shifts in mood, self-destructive behavior, paranoid distortions, and obsessive ruminations are very apparent to those closest to her. Additionally, she doesn't manage conflict, she creates it. She drums up crusades and creates conspiracy theories, trying to recruit as many people to her cause and spending countless hours on her mission. See subsequent blog entry: Adult Children of Parental Alienation that outlines my mother's efforts to alienate us kids from our Dad.
   

When I think back on it, the first evidence of low EI was evident was when I was around 5 years old and she would lock herself in a dark room for a day or longer (In the Beginning); she would cry uncontrollably upon the notification that my Dad was going out-of-town for business; she was cruel to my Dad's parents; and she was always in an angry or dark mood. She maintained this behavior through my youth.

When I was a teenage, she was very inappropriate socially (It's My Fault)-- flirting with boys that visited at the house by batting her eye lashes, making her eyes really big, wearing tight jeans & high heels while strutting around in front of them, and laughing this loud, haughty laugh. She also would engage in inappropriate conversation with my friends regarding drinking and sex while using profanity. She would talk to me about sex (in a friend to friend way, not mother to daughter way), use plenty of foul language, and listen to explicit music with me.

I remember going to professional settings with her (my step-father's medical meetings for example) where I would cringe about how she conducted herself. She would talk about topics that I found uncomfortable, and I could sense the company found the topics awkward or inappropriate as well. I remember her talking about nasty and gross topics at the dinner table when we had friends over-- and they would be disgusted, questioning our mother's behavior. My mother thought she was being "cool" by using foul language, and she used it to such an extent that a very Christian boyfriend wouldn't date me anymore after hearing her talk.

By the time I was a young adult, I found myself making excuses for her to company (Years with my Mother)- or I would be so embarrassed that I would leave the room. One time we were out at a VERY fine dining restaurant with a large group of people, some of which we knew and some we just met. She started talking about her hysterectomy and its complications. I could tell how appalled some of the people were-- and I wanted SO MUCH to crawl up underneath that table.

Throughout my life she has had groups of friends and then dumped them, replacing them with entire new group of friends. At this point in her life, she doesn't have any long term friends to speak of except one that lives across the country. The friends that are dumped wonder what the hell happened, which includes the one that lives across the country as she was dumped at one point for over a decade. My mother also seems to weasel her way back into the estranged friend's life at serious times. For example, when her ex-friend was on his deathbed, she suddenly was at this man's side and talking about how much she loves him. She relishes drama and being on a crusade-- and this type of situation fits that desire.

When she's in a social setting, she feels as if she has to fill in the gaps and entertain, so many times she rambles about things that are inappropriate, laughs an obvious fake laugh, and thinks that she's making people feel comfortable. In reality, she is making people uncomfortable with the constant chatter and the questionable topics. Sometimes she'll divulge private information about family members -- even when they're right there. Many times I remember feeling my blood pressure rise when hearing her speak about my private life or private issues. One of the first times that she met my in-laws (my husband and I weren't married yet), she talked about some information at a fine dining dinner that my mother-in-law had privately told my mother. And when you confront her about what she said, she turns the table on you and says that you are being ridiculous and shouldn't be so sensitive.

My mother definately doesn't have a filter for what she says, but she also doesn't have a filter for how she reacts. She flies off the handle, changing from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde instantly when she feels threatened, if you don't agree with her, or if the topic is my Dad. And the fall out from the Mr. Hyde can last for months-- with her viewpoint of what happened morphing further and further from reality. During these episodes, she'll write letters / emails that become more and more deranged. She'll try to get as many people on her side as possible, telling all sorts of lies, exaggerations, and misleading statements.

My mother lives and breathes the situation to the point that she believes her own lies. I think the only way she can live with herself after the dust settles is for her to believe her own lies. Her husband is so intimidated by her that he doesn't help to keep her head in reality. He won't contradict her as he doesn't want to feel her wrath, so he goes along with her rants and twisted accounts. His complacency and seeming agreement with her only reinforces her belief that she is right-- that her bizarre reality is correct.

The amazing part of all of this is she was an Alcohol & Drug Rehab Counselor who has undergraduate work in Psychology. She dealt with all sorts of personality disorders and otherwise and was educated in the field of disorders, yet she has been unable to identify with any of the symptoms on her own. She hasn't connected the dots that she has cut off all family members (father, sister, son, daughter), and that she is alone by her own doing. She hasn't connected the dots that she has been married three times, each marriage failing because she cheated on her husband. She hasn't connected the dots that she is taking massive amounts of anti-depressants for depression but has manic spells characterized by unlimited spending and eating, as well as bouts of not living in reality-- and that she has stated that her son is BPD but doesn't recognize it in herself.

Basically, she is not in tune with her own emotions due to a low EI, and therefore, she is not able to comprehend the depth of her personality dysfunction and its ramifications. The BPD manifests itself in a low EI which cripples the ability to identify areas in ones life that need improvement or serious attention.

Little Women (2004)

Little women full of big toxic dysfunction...

Before any wedding could even be thought of, I had a graduation to attend. I graduated with a masters a week after I got engaged-- with honors and several ceremonies over three days. I was able to arrange to have my mother attend two days of ceremonies (Thank You Ceremony, Honor Society Induction, and Hooding Ceremony), and then have my father & step-mother attend the school's graduation.

The Thank You Ceremony was on a Saturday. My mother met my fiance & me at the house, and we drove over together. The ceremony was my opportunity to thank those in my life who supported me during my college years. The MC started the ceremony by saying that the purpose of the night was thank those who have supported you through your college years as nobody can do it on their own-- that everybody has a support system. The MC told a story about a turtle that couldn't get to the top of the pole without help. Everybody has someone to thank. The MC gave CLEAR instructions on how the ceremony was to proceed: the student thanks the person/people he/she wants to honor, a certificate is handed to them, and then the group exits the stage so that the next group can do their presentation. The auditorium was filled so the ceremony could last a lengthy time.

The ceremony progressed with the student thanking their respective party and leaving the stage after a hug & certificate given to the honoree. Time and time again, the student thanked their supporter, the supporter took the certificate, and the group left the stage. When my turn came, I took my mother and my fiance on stage and started with a brief opening statement, then I thanked my fiance and then I thanked my mother. When I handed my mother her certificate and went to hug her, she whispered to me, "I'm going to say something now". My heart dropped to my feet-- here we go again with the social inappropriateness! I begged her with BIG EYES and saying, “No, please don’t. Please no”. But she went ahead.

My mother got in front of all those people and said that her daughter got to the top of the pole by herself and didn't need help-- basically contradicting the exact purpose of the ceremony! She continued saying that her daughter is the one that helps other turtles get to the top of the pole but that she is independent herself. MY HEAD WAS SPINNING. And I could tell my the looks from my beau that he was shocked and appalled. My head spun from this for days, weeks, months... I couldn't believe that she had to call attention to herself in a situation where every other person / group CLEARLY didn't do as she did. "The borderline's need for attention is so out of control and pathetic that it is frightening. Others are embarrassed for her. The Queen's behavior elicits embarrassment about her need for recognition, attention, and control" p 255 Lawson.

That following Tuesday, I had warned my mother (who was rather weak and feeble at this point) that the two ceremonies (Honors Induction and Hooding Ceremony) would be in two separate locations on campus so using her wheel chair would be highly recommended. I also let her know that there would be a reception following the Hooding Ceremony for professors, graduates, and families. I was looking forward to introducing her to the faculty, my co-workers, and colleagues.

The day arrived for the Honor Society Induction and Hooding Ceremony. My mother met me at the house, and we (beau, mother, and me) left together. The induction went smoothly. My mother decided not to use her wheel chair, so she walked over with my beau and one of my friends to the Hooding Ceremony. I separated from them as I had to get ready for the procession into the auditorium.

Once I entered the auditorium and took my seat, I found where my beau, friend, and mother were sitting in the stands. She started giving me looks like when is this thing going to end, and she was rolling her eyes and acting bored. When the ceremony ended, the reception followed, but my mother acted completely famished, exhausted, and spent so my fiance went across campus to get the car and we skipped the reception. I was very disappointed but I understood she didn't feel good... or did she??

Once we got back to the house, my mother was like a different person. She was all energetic and wanting to order pizza, watch the video of my ceremony, and chat with my friend & beau. Was the onset of the ill feelings real or did she just want to leave my ceremonies? She didn't want to use the wheel chair, yet she knew she couldn't endure being on her feet for any length of time. She also knew the agenda for the day / evening, so why did she cop-out on what I had worked so hard to achieve-- my day in the sun.

Well, my school's graduation was two days after the other ceremonies. My Dad and step-mother arrived, witnessed, and then took my beau & me out to lunch. They had a nice time meeting my friends, taking pictures, and having refreshments at the reception. A stark difference to my mother's behavior.

After graduation, I started helping my mother around her house. During the past few years, my step-father had his mother move into the house as she had Alzheimer's and kidney failure. My step-father and mother took care of her estate, moving most of her belongings into their house. As a result of not being orderly to begin with, then adding all of the other things to the mix, the house was a complete disaster, so I volunteered my assistance while looking for a job. My assistance was intended for moving large objects, heavy things, and doing things that a sickly woman like herself couldn't accomplish, or organizing and sorting which my step-father wasn't fond of doing.

I was surprised that my mother enlisted me to clean a THIMBLE collection, scrub toilets, organize hundreds of HAT BOXES, thousands of FLIP FLOPS, countless BEANIE BABIES, and other bizarre things. Clearly she didn't want to do these things-- it's not that she couldn't. Granted, some of the stuff she was not capable of, but she spent an inordinate amount of time sleeping and staying up late on the computer-- not cleaning or taking care of her house.

The odd collections were disturbing as she was appearing to be a hoarder and a person with a shopping addiction. She had things stashed and hidden all over the house... and she wouldn't get rid of anything. She still had her dead mother's clothes in the downstairs bedroom (if you recall my grandmother passed in 1977-- this is now 2004). "Borderlines hide their purchases. Shopping and hoarding can be an obsession. The act of acquiring and controlling what is hers provides temporary relief from feelings of emptiness" p 114 - 115 Lawson.

I kept my mouth shut, worked the best I could given the parameters, and I made a distinct difference in the house: making shelves for the hat boxes, clearing out rooms to be usable, gutting the garage, cleaning the house of years worth of dust & grime.

One day when I was getting supplies from a local hardware store, my mother went with me for the ride. As we were driving up the street, she asked me out of the blue, "Who are you going to have you walk up the aisle?". I hadn't talked to her about ANY wedding thoughts, ideas, plans, or anything knowing that the subject would be a touchy one figuring my wedding would involve her AND my Dad... and we know how that goes. My heart bounced off the floor, ricocheted off the ceiling, and smacked me in the face. I answered that I hadn't given it thought yet. She then said that my step-father should be the one to walk me down the aisle since he's the one that has always been there for me. She also added that he shouldn't be expected to pay for any of the wedding since he's not my father. What!? Errr, say that again? Then she asked me about my Dad, if I had told him about my engagement. I told her yes, that I had been in contact with him, and that he even offered to contribute to the wedding. She then said that doesn't give him the right to walk you down the aisle. From there, I asked if she thought it was fair that he contribute to the wedding but not be involved. My mother responded that it is fair considering how my step-father has been more of a father to me. I was breathless, and shot out of the car once we got to the hardware store. I immediately called my fiance. I knew that this was only the SURFACE of the rage that she was going to throw my way about the wedding if things didn't go the way she wanted. See subsequent posts: Adult Children of Parental Alienation and Borderline Mother Alienates Daughter

A week or two later, I was outside on her deck polishing silver when she, out of the blue, started telling me about my step-father crying in the middle of the night, telling her that he wants so much to walk me down the aisle. I was completely baffled. I didn't say anything, and I just kept polishing silver. She continued with saying that if anyone had the right to walk me down the aisle, it's my step-father, and how I should ask him to walk me down. I could feel my adrenalin flowing as I was being put in a situation I cannot win. She wants to walk me down the aisle, she is telling me a pitiful story about how my step-father wants to walk me down the aisle, and she knows that my Dad is contributing to the wedding & will want to walk his daughter down the aisle as the Father of the Bride. I have spent endless hours thinking of how NOT to hurt anyone's feelings (long before my fiance ever asked me to marry him, I pondered how I would handle this situation), how to incorporate everyone to make everyone happy, how to make the wedding as peaceful as possible... and I hadn't even made a single plan yet! The wedding wasn't even in its planning stage!

Well, as my mother kept laying on the guilt trip thick about my step-father walking me down the aisle, my head started to spin more and more. I finally blurted out, "Fine. We will have two ceremonies. We have talked about it and we will have two ceremonies. We will have one with my Dad which he can contribute to, and we can have another with you guys".

She commented about how my step-father shouldn't have to pay for anything, so I suggested having a celebration at her house. She then shouted to my step-father who was inside, "We're out! We're out!".

I asked, "What!? You're out? Out of what?".

At that point, my step-father opened the door, and my mother said, "We are out of the wedding".

I responded with, "How can you be out of the wedding when you weren't even in it in the first place? We don't have any plans yet!".

She was like a different person. All the love and affection was gone, replaced with rage and animosity. My friend came to pick me up at that point, and when he walked in, my mother turned on that fake person, acting all nice and smiling.

As I walked to the car, I burst into tears. I knew that was it. I knew that was the last time I would see her, that we were headed into another estrangement, this one bigger than any before. I spent that night over beers with my friend. He had my mother figured out and talking to him really cleared my head. One word summarized my mother, he said, "Evil".

The next day, I called and talked to my step-father, telling him that I wouldn't be over to clean their house. I asked him to have my mother call me. She didn't. I called back again, asking him to have her call me. Again, she didn't. My fiance also called and talked to my step-father, which they said that we all needed to sit down and talk. Additionally, my fiance cleared up some lies that my mother had told him. But my mother never called.

Instead, within the next few days, my mother began a campaign of emails, sent not just to me, but to my Dad (copied to my fiance's family who he had never met), my fiance's family, my fiance, my college colleagues, my personal friends, and more. She said things about me to paint me in the worst light possible. She exaggerated facts. She outright lied. She said personal things about me that are none of anyone's business. I don't understand why a mother would want to be so mean and cruel to their child. See subsequent blog post: Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage

I also don't understand how a mother, who was just singing her daughter's praises at a graduation just TWO MONTHS earlier could think such awful thoughts of her child so quickly-- how she could have such a complete turn around in her thinking. “Borderlines distort the truth because their perceptions are distorted. Distortion is an unconscious way of processing information that reflects the individual’s reality. Distortion misleads and aggravates family members, who may take a borderline’s statement at face value before discovering the facts.

The borderline enlists others as allies against the person who is the target of her rage. She may seek out friends, family members (including siblings and children), and co-workers of her victim in whom to confide fabricated stories designed to discredit her enemy. She intentionally leaves out discussion of her own behavior, presenting the other person's behavior as entirely unjustified. Others may believe the allegations because of the intensity of her emotion. Misinformation is calculated and constructed in order to destroy the victim's reputation. Those who do not know the true situation may not notice the inconsistencies in the story. It's difficult to verify the truth because the intensity of her emotions dissuades others from asking details" p 141 Lawson.

Fortunately, the people that she emailed these rants to simply deleted them for the most part. I received phone calls from people asking why my mother was acting so erratically and why she was slandering me. I explained the situation briefly, and the consensus was that she's crazy (most people knew my history with my mother). My fiance responded one time, and I responded one time. My fiance's family never responded, but to this day, they still exchange Christmas cards (bizarre). She's convinced a few people that I am a hateful, mean, and cruel person, and I can't do anything about it (nor do I care to because if these few chose to believe her, I am not going to campaign to convince them otherwise). "The Queen borderline's adult children must understand that those with healthy mothers cannot imagine the manipulativeness of the borderline Queen. Others therefore assume that the child, rather than the mother, is the selfish one" p 253 Lawson.

I really couldn't battle with her thinking as she was damned and determined to think I am hateful, mean, and doing everything in my power to hurt her. She was telling people that I kicked her out of the wedding, that I was ripped her heart out of her chest, that I don't love her. I responded one time with what my intent was and how I want her in my wedding one way or another, and when she said that she was "out", did she mean it. I told her if she didn't mean it, to let me know, and we could discuss the wedding options. She never responded to that question, but continued to shoot me emails about everything else under the sun.

In regard to the borderline mother and an announcement of marriage, I found this passage particularly haunting, "When the daughter of a borderline Queen announced that she was getting married, her mother insisted on planning the wedding as if it were her own. The daughter wanted a simple, private ceremony as opposed to her mother's desire for a large, lavish wedding. Because her daughter insisted on a simple ceremony, the Queen mother refused to attend the wedding, complaining to extended family members that her daughter had 'shut her out of her life'" p 253 Lawson. When I read this passage, I freaked out as this is almost identical to what happened to me with my mother. I was breathless as I realized that others have been through exactly what I have.

To this day, I haven't spoken to her again. "The borderline mother is powerless over adults who use their power to disappear " p 281 Lawson. "The single greatest power adult children possess is their ability to get away" p 283 Lawson.

Shortly after this upheaval with my mother, I had lunch with my step-mother, and she said I should wish her dead. WHAT!? What is with these people in my life!? I don't wish my mother dead. I don't wish anyone dead. What in the world is my step-mother thinking telling me that!? My mother may be inappropriate. My mother may be seriously misguided. My mother's thinking may be crazy. BUT SHE IS STILL MY MOTHER. How cruel and harsh is it for this lady to say that to a person who is trying to handle a fresh estrangement with her mother during a time that should be the happiest in her life!? WOW.

There was another incident when my fiance and I were over at my Dad and step-mother's house when my step-mother had been drinking pretty heavily. My Dad and fiance were in the other room, while my step-mother and I were in the breakfast room. We were talking about this and that, and at some point she asked me about my mother. I answered that I had no idea, that she and I hadn't spoken still. My step-mother took me into a different room, father from my fiance, and started to tell me that I needed to start therapy. I stated that I was doing fine, that my friends are better than any therapist. I also said that if she and my Dad would open up about the past, that would be the best therapy I could ask for. She asked why I was so resistant to the idea of a therapist. I said that I am not resistant to a therapist at all-- but that I am not in need of one, as I have my situation with my mother handled. She said that I will have issues when I am older, and that she doesn't want me to have to go through that. I reassured her that I am fine, that my friends have been with me through the years and are able to support me more than a therapist who only knows what I am able to tell him/her. Again, my step-mother asked why I am resisting her. I finally had enough with the alcohol induced, whispery demands coming from her lips, and I got my fiance to leave.

Her approach was not of someone who was concerned-- not by any stretch of the imagination. She has never acted like she cared about me in the past, why now? She never does acts of unselfishness, so what's this all about? I think she has HUGE amounts of baggage carried over from her own mother, and she thinks she can project her issues onto me. She also has always been intimidated by my toughness, ability to land on my feet, and for making sound decisions (after all, her daughter drops out of college, has wedding planned and paid for by them that she abandons to run off to Vegas with another guy while drunk, gets knocked up and spends the next SEVEN years in their house with her kid while not working). The biggest factor, however, is how much I look like my mother, and she dislikes me for that.

Somewhere around this time, my step-sister decides to tell my Dad and her mother that piece of information she confided in me back in 2001 (My step-sister, one night when we were out with our significant others, pulled me aside and told me some pretty alarming news about her childhood that involved my brother and step-brother. She gave very little detail with her main point letting me know that this 'memory' came out in therapy. I was actually FLOORED when she broke this news to me, and she begged that I tell no one. So, I didn't. I did, however, think about what she had to say, which it just didn't add up (especially if you've known her, seen how she's conducted herself, and how everyone is to blame for her shortcomings)). The results of her revealing these lost memories have have devastating to the family. Obviously she "spilled the beans" to her step-father and mother for selfish reasons-- why else would she run to "Mommy & Daddy" when she's in her 30's? Her actions were obviously calculated and manipulative, and she pretty much got what she wanted-- my brother and her brother to be ostracized from the family. She also got her "Daddy" (step-father) to be alienated from his own son, and she also got the drama she was seeking.

I spoke at great lengths to my Dad about her actions-- how she has continually blamed other people for her short-comings her entire life, and now she is blaming these two brothers for other problems in her life. I spoke to my Dad about how she targets family members methodically when she doesn't have things going her way. I spoke to Dad about how negative and unhappy she is, and how she is finding comfort getting attention abet from a damaging situation. My Dad agreed with me all on accounts but still was stuck between a rock & a hard place because he is married to her mother; therefore, he has to keep peace. I couldn't believe it. Here we go again. The choice between my brother (his son) and his wife AGAIN, and he's going to chose his wife with no fight for his son.

The repercussions of my step-sister's revelation spilled over into all areas, including the ability for my brother to attend my wedding. My Dad told my brother that he would have to clear things up with my step-sister and step-mother before he could attend my wedding. WHAT!? What does my step-sister's diarrhea of the mouth have anything to do with MY WEDDING?? Nothing! Here my Dad is trying to control what is going on-- AGAIN. Here my step-sister has power-- AGAIN. Here I am being disregarded AGAIN by my Dad. See subsequent blog entry: My Dad, the Narcissistic King.

When speaking to my brother, he said he would do what he had to so that he could attend my wedding. I asked him not to compromise himself or his principles. I also reiterated that we are not children, so our Dad cannot tell us where we can go and where we can't; therefore, my brother can attend my wedding even without the approval of my Dad. I also commented that I truly understood if he felt uncomfortable with the entire situation and didn't want to come. I wanted him at my wedding MORE THAN ANYONE else, but here again, just like we were little, we were presented with a situation where we had to chose between parents, chose between people, chose between this or that because our parents forced the decision... a decision that should have never even been.

A New Day Has Come (2000 - 2004)

Year 2000 was significant because I found my husband that year-- in May. My life was to completely change at that point, and although we didn't marry until 2005, my life started to change from the moment we met. I felt in control. I knew what I wanted. I felt empowered. I had the unconditional and honest love of another human being.

We moved in together after a very short time, and I know my mother felt that she didn't have the control that she had before, such as trying to dictate how I spent my Monday nights. She tried to get in the good graces of my new beau, but he's not one to play nicey-nicey. You have to earn his respect and attention.

When my beau's parents came for a visit, my mother and step-father met us all for dinner. In earlier posts, I commented about my mother's lack of social graces, and she was at her finest this particular dinner. My beau's mother had confided in my mother that she was on an anti-depressant. My mother, having no couth, brings up the subject at the fine-dining dinner table for all to hear. I was cringing! I couldn't believe how she carelessly spoke about private matters in front of people she just met and about a subject that is obviously one that my beau's mother was coming to terms with. During times like these, I would try to interject and change the topic... or crawl under the table. Although my mother tries to make people feel "comfortable" by filling the gaps in conversation with her own voice, she ends up making people feel uncomfortable by talking about things she shouldn't, being too loud and boisterous, or being completely unaware of her actions.

Around this time, my mother started telling me that we are the only family we've got. She would emphasize that I am the only family she has, and she's the only family I have. See subsequent blog post: Adult Children of Alienation Syndrome and Borderline Mother Alienates Daughter. I wouldn't comment to these statements as I didn't want to start WWIII, but she had chosen to cut-off and alienate herself from family. I still had a relationship with my Dad, brother, step-mother, step-sister, step-brother, and more that she didn't know about because I kept my relationships private. "Forced teaming is an effective way to establish premature trust because a 'we're in the same boat' attitude is hard to rebuff without feeling rude" p 66 De Becker. And this is exactly what my mother was trying to do-- over and over through these years. "The borderline mother unconsciously forces teaming by enticing comments such as... 'You're the only one I can depend on" p 163 Lawson. These guilt ridden comments really pushed me away and turned me off.

The Christmas of 2000 was a complicated one for me. Although my beau went to visit his family for Christmas, I had to juggle trying to see both sets of parents AGAIN without disappointing. My Dad always wants you there early for Christmas morning, whereas my mother wants to sleep in. The big challenge is the distance between everyone's residences. So, I spend my holidays tooling around town, racing to get to one place and the next. I barely have time to breathe in between the celebrating and racing to the next celebration. After doing this all sick, I was off to pick up my beau at the airport.

2001 rolled around and times were eventful as my beau and I bought a house. We had a joyous time signing all the paperwork, seeing the house being built, decorating, and moving. The place was our perfect place. I enjoyed my time at the house, and immensely enjoyed my time hanging out with my beau. Everyone (my parents, my beau's parents) came for a visit at one point or another, and things seemed to be moving along smoothly, happily, and copacetic. I was very amazed that I had both sets of parents in my life at one time for such a sustained period. Wow. Again, holidays were a pain, trying to juggle seeing everyone, but we made it work.

Mid-way through 2002 I left my job and entered school to earn a masters degree. I relished going back to school, earned straight A's, became a Presidential Fellow for the university, and worked at the school. I was very involved with school and thoroughly enjoyed the new friendships fostered. I was still getting together with my mother & my Dad as well as traveling to see my beau's family. Life was moving along nicely until the first indication of trouble reared its nasty head.

My step-sister, one night when we were out with our significant others, pulled me aside and told me some pretty alarming news about her childhood that involved my brother and step-brother. She gave very little detail with her main point letting me know that this 'memory' came out in therapy. I was actually FLOORED when she broke this news to me, and she begged that I tell no one. So, I didn't. I did, however, think about what she had to say, which it just didn't add up (especially if you've known her, seen how she's conducted herself, and how everyone is to blame for her shortcomings).

In 2003 , her boyfriend asks her to marry him. They start to plan the wedding, and I am asked to be a bridesmaid. The wedding is last minute planning with little time to spare. I have an appointment to be fitted for a dress; however, I have to cancel the 1st appointment as they couldn't take me on time, and I had to get to school. The second appointment was canceled due to my beau's surgery.

To backtrack, my beau started having back pain-- all the sudden. And this pain radiated down his leg until he almost falls over. He had an MRI, and I got a call at home from the DR trying to locate him because the results of the MRI indicate that he shouldn't move. I get a hold of him as quickly as I can-- and before you know it, his surgery is scheduled. Well, I wasn't able to go to the bridal shop; however, the dresses are sold online by this shop, so when I talked to my Dad about my beau's surgery, I asked my Dad to go ahead and have the dress ordered. He agreed, and he even added that he would pay for the dress. I don't know what transpired after that but I got a nasty email from my step-sister saying if I didn't go to the fitting that I would be out of her wedding. I couldn't go to the fitting due to the extenuating circumstances of my beau's surgery, his sister being in town, my exams at school, and so forth-- and figuring the dress can be ordered online, what is the big deal? Why does she have to control this process to the nth degree? Ultimately I was out of the wedding.

I still attended the wedding, which was odd, but I was there. And as I was watching my step-sister walk down the aisle, my jaw DROPPED. Not only was MY DAD walking her down the aisle, but her OWN FATHER was in the front row crying. The scene was awful. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was disgusted and kept looking ahead the entire ceremony. I wished to be anywhere but there. My step-sister even went so far as to call my Dad "Daddy" during the wedding events, which was completely nauseating. See subsequent blog post: My Dad, the Narcissistic King.

Again, holidays in 2003 were riddled with trying to get to one place and the next-- with no parent realizing the painstaking efforts taken to not hurt their feelings. I really wish I had had the kahunas to just be forthright to say 'enough is enough, you're killing me', but I know now as I knew then that all that means is if I don't play their game, then I am out of the game. So, I end up conforming to their conditions in order to keep them in my life. I end up compromising my own judgment in order to keep my parents, hoping that one day they will love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am.

Well, my beau and I had no idea that the arrival of 2004, with all the wonderful things it will bring, that the year will also be riddled with serious conflict, challenges, and chaos. On May 1st, my beau asked me to marry him. The day was romantic and all that I had dreamed of. He got on his knee and presented a beautiful diamond ring. My family seemed happy. We had no set date or place for the wedding. We were just enjoying being engaged. Even though I was euphoric over the engagement, my thoughts couldn't keep drifting to how in the heck am I going to have a wedding with both of my parents attending with their respective families!? First of all, I don't feel comfortable with all of these people together. Second of all, I am sure these people don't feel comfortable mixed together as well. No matter how I cracked it, the thought of having them all together didn't scramble well.

Don't forget the dynamics: my Dad lost his wife (my mother) because she cheated on him with his best-friend (now my step-father). My Dad remarried, and his step-daughter accused my brother and her own brother of things from childhood, where my Dad and step-mother took her side. My Dad doesn't want my brother around until he clears the situation up with our step-mother and step-sister. My mother becomes completely irrational and, frankly, crazy when my Dad is in the picture. My Dad said that he "wouldn't shed a tear" if my mother "died tomorrow". So, get the picture? Not too happy.

I thought about eloping, but I really wanted to share the day with my mother, have my Dad walk me down the aisle, have my brother witness my big day, have friends celebrate and party with us. I thought about having one ceremony-- nope, too stressful, uncomfortable, and WAY too volatile. I thought about having two ceremonies-- and this made the most sense. If my Dad is willing to chip in to a wedding, why not have the one that he wants. Then my mother could have a ceremony that she wants with my step-father walking me down the aisle. We are all comfortable, everyone is happy.

I battled these thoughts of how to handle my wedding long before my fiance ever asked me to marry him. I knew the day would come, I knew I didn't want to ruin the day for my fiance, and I knew that my family has always been a dramatic and toxic mess. The day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Well, I have thought and thought and thought on how to exactly do that with the particular family members I have to deal with-- and nothing made sense. The closest thing to making sense was the two ceremonies. More time consuming to plan and to execute, but the most peaceful in the long run. I talked this all out for hours on end with friends. No one had any better suggestions. I beat myself up over these decisions, and honestly, I beat myself up to the point of becoming knocked down... but that's another story.

Years with my Mother (1990 - 1995)

As my relationship with my Dad came to a screeching halt after finding out that I was dangerously and illegally driving around with no car insurance, my relationship with my mother progressively grew. She was involved in my life, she seemed sincerely interested in what I was doing, and reciprocated in the relationship-- aspects I didn't feel I had in the past.

I was carefree at this point in my life, having loads of fun working, going out with friends, and being myself. She seemed to vicariously live through my experiences, making comments when I had something fun planned that I am lucky or that she wished she could have done these things when she was younger. "The borderline mother lives vicariously through the child and seeks validation through the child's accomplishments" p 162 Lawson. I graduated from college Summa Cum Laude and started paying on the $20K school loans. I would get aggravated through the years when she told people about me graduating from college, as if she was the one responsible for my achievement.

I often met my mother for dinner on Monday nights, and we had a good time shopping. Although we seemingly had a close relationship, we never talked about my Dad. That was a hot button that wasn't pushed, and she seemed to be completely irrational and irritated when his name was brought up. I was awaiting the next occurrence when the bottom was going to fall out of our relationship again. I didn't trust the fabric of the relationship and knew that it could blow at any time. "Things weren't the way they were supposed to be when I was a child. Now, I am suspicious whenever things are going well" p 157 Lawson.

Although I was sad about not having a relationship with my Dad, it was nice to not have to worry about juggling parents at holidays as I had been doing. As a note, my whole life has been either having neither one of them in my life -or- having one or the other. Having BOTH in my life has always been virtually impossible as both demand your attention, don't understand a commitment with the other, and toss a massive heaping of guilt.

In regard to the verbal and emotional abuse I endured as a child and teenager, I somewhat deep-sixed it and charged forward in life full force. My main goal in life was to make wonderful memories. I used to tell people that all the time-- and that's why I took so many pictures. This point (making memories) is significant since I have never able to talk to about my memories from my past with my mother or Dad. My mother either doesn't remember, doesn't remember that way, or doesn't want to talk about it, and my Dad doesn't want to remember because he 'doesn't want to'. Both ways, emotional experiences aren't validated, and the past isn't dealt with so that I could come to peace with it. "Rather than arguing about the accuracy of each other's memories, adult children need to trust their own experience. Children of all ages find it extremely disturbing when their mother does not validate their emotional experiences" p 207 Lawson.

1990 and 1991 were spent graduating from college and working long hours. 1992 - 1993 were characterized by moving up the corporate ladder of management. By 1994, I changed jobs and my Dad made an appearance in my life. He randomly and unannounced showed up at my place of work in order to tell me information about my step-sister and her drinking problem. I found this visit very strange as I hadn't been in contact with her for some time, and I hadn't been in contact with my Dad for some time. The visit seemed very disconnected and meaningless. We didn't see each other again for a couple of years.

1995 was focused on my career, having a wonderful time with friends, and Monday visits with my mother. Those Monday visits had become a routine at this point, and if I ever tried to cancel, my mother would get VERY upset. She felt she owned Monday nights with me, and her feelings were hurt if I had something else to do. Separation on the phone was a tough one too. She wanted to talk often and for long periods of times. She had begun to be confrontational about issues such as my career, her health, and more.

I alluded to this in an earlier post, but I will add to it here: my mother has always been socially inappropriate. “The borderline can be inappropriately open, enticing others by too much self-disclosure, and then walking away with an air of indifference" p 58 Lawson. I mentioned in an earlier post, that in high school, she would flirt with my boy friends, talk about inappropriate topics with my friends, and even talk about lewd & crude things with me (things mothers and daughters shouldn't talk about). She always managed to talk about inappropriate things at the dinner table or in mixed company. She would gross out friends with medical talk, she embarrassed me terribly at a very fine dining restaurant by talking about her hysterectomy to a large group of people who were obviously taken back, and she would step in and say things when & where she shouldn't. I think she meant well, but I don't think she has a very effective or efficient filter. She always felt she HAD to entertain when in a social setting, which many times her loud and rambling chatter made the situation so uncomfortable. I think she tried too hard to be "cool", and she wanted to be funny but she often had people cringing at what she said.

She had opened a business in the retail industry. Being in business on her own caused her to brag about what she owned and how well her business was doing. "Attempting to evoke envy in others, the borderline speaks openly about expensive vacations and the price of possessions" p 109 Lawson. Well, once her illness progressed, she claimed she was too sick to operate it. She had a leasing agreement that stated she had to open specific hours on specific days. So, my step-father, working his typical Monday - Friday 8a - 5:30pm job, added on taking care of her business as well. She continued to push him, not giving him a break, and criticizing how he did this or that. She never went back to working after this. "The borderline is driven to excel and may be outstanding in her field but is sadly incapable of enjoying her success. If given the choice, however, she may not work at all" p 80 Lawson.

In regard to her health, she was always a weak person-- tired and not physically active (not including the massive housework she imposed on herself every day-- such as folding laundry impeccable and painstakingly perfect like at a department store). She had strange ailments pop up through the years (2nd degree burn at the beach in 1976, toe nails falling off in the 1980's), and starting at the end of the 1980's, she started to gain weight and hurt when moving. By the early 1990's she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Then she started to have uncontrollable and endless female bleeding along with bladder and urethra challenges. By 1995, the decision was a hysterectomy, rectocele, and cystocele which ended up being a huge mistake. Shortly after this surgery, she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. The autoimmune disease was the reason for these odd symptoms, and having the surgery only made matters worse because she couldn't have the estrogen replacement as its lethal to this type of autoimmune disease sufferers.

While she was in the hospital, she had fits of hysteria. Her behavior was completely erratic, wild, and, well, crazy. She would say one thing, scream another, cry & plead, and was out of control. "Borderlines are prone to hysterical reactions. She is intolerant of discomfort, inconvenience, and pain. She may moan and groan, scream and cry primarily out of fear, not pain. When frightened, she becomes hostile. Her exaggerated responses confuse those who care for her" p 93 Lawson. I definitely didn't know what to do. I was confused and looked to my step-father for guidance.

When she first came out of surgery, she asked for and looked to her friend for comfort. She rejected my affection (holding her hand, caressing her, sitting next to her). I was puzzled as to what I had done to deserve this treatment. And then when it came to the evening, she asked her friend to stay the night in the room, although I was supposed to stay. I gathered my things and began to leave with my step-father. That's when the hysteria peaked. We left after she calmed down, but I was still completely baffled as to why she was pushing me away but upset that I was leaving. "Overreaction to pain or illness is a consequence of the inability to sooth or comfort herself. When she feels vulnerable, she is incapable of containing anxiety" p 93 Lawson.

I was very frustrated with my mother during the years of finding a diagnosis, as well as after the diagnosis. She wasn't doing anything to help her cause. She became sedentary. She ate terribly. Although she had claimed to have stopped smoking, she was sneaking cigarettes whenever she could. She was very negative and not finding the positive in life. I would try to motivate her to exercise-- walk, stretch, get out-- but my ideas were always greeted with excuses.

She became angry and took it out on her husband. He started to confide in me, and I truly understood how he felt as I had been there many times myself-- the whipping post. I reassured him that I was there for him, so if he wanted to confront her or talk to her about her rude and hurtful behavior I would be there as support. The situation got so heightened that he actually left her for a period of time.

It's My Fault (1984 - 1985)

During the remainder of my time living at my mother's house, I was constantly accused of things I didn't do: a coffee stain on the 2nd floor wall near my mother's bedroom, liquor bottles watered down, having a party at the house, partying in a hotel room rather than stuck in a traffic jam at Six Flags...

These accusations were particularly ridiculous:

1. First of all, I didn't drink coffee (my mother did) and I resided on the 1st floor (she resided on the 2nd floor). So, with the facts in hand, who would be more capable of spilling the coffee when rounding the corner to the master bedroom? The coffee drinker going to her bedroom, or the non-coffee drinker that rarely went back to the master bedroom and resided on a different level of the house.
2. Second, when I was accused of watering down a liquor bottle one weekend, I wasn't even home that weekend. My brother was, but he wasn't questioned.
3. Third, I never had a party in my mother's house-- the neighbors could be asked, my friends could be asked, but she didn't do either.
4. Fourth, I went to see a concert at Six Flags and when the concert let out, a huge traffic jam accumulated in the parking lot. Taking my dimes, I called my mother every 15 minutes to let her know the status of the jam. I also asked her to call Six Flags to get updates regarding the bottleneck. When I arrived home late, I was drilled, being asked how was my stay at the hotel. I asked if she had called Six Flags to confirm the traffic jam, and she said she hadn't called. I also asked if I was partying in a hotel room, why would I take the time to call her every 15 minutes from a payphone.

With each incident, I was punished-- typically placed on restriction (either not allowed to leave the house or having an earlier curfew).

Just as much as I was accused of things I didn't do (and got punished for them), I had a hard time "doing right". I went out with my friend and his grandparents one night. We ended up at his grandparents house, and upon time to leave due to my curfew, we couldn't find his keys. I ended up 5 minutes late home, and although I pleaded with her to call the grandparents to confirm the search for the keys, my mother wouldn't call. She would rather believe I was disobedient.

My mother was terribly and embarrassingly flirty with my male friends and dates. She would strut with her tight jeans and high heels around them, making her eyes really big and batting her eye lashes. She would laugh this completely fake laugh and talk about topics inappropriate with a teenager. She acted inappropriately around my girlfriends as well, using vulgar language, engaging in talk of the opposite sex and alcohol, and acting like one of their 'friends'. “The borderline mother’s need for attention is so out of control and pathetic that it is frightening. Others are embarrassed for her. The Queen’s behavior elicits embarrassment about her need for recognition, attention, and control” p 255 Lawson.

As far as supporting me, she rarely, if ever, attended my sports events. I didn't feel as if she cared about my endeavors. When I was late at school practicing, I would call to get a ride home, but the phone was busy (this was in the day before call waiting). So, I would either have to make an 'emergency break-through' through the operator or wait for her to get off of the phone. If I used an 'emergency break-through', I would get in trouble for worrying her (between the time of the operator contact and the call back). However, if I waited for her to get off the phone, many times hours at a time, I would get in trouble for being late home or inconveniencing her to come get me (I had to walk several miles many times to get home after practicing my sport for hours after school). Her lack of support extended to getting me to my job as well. Many times I needed a ride to get to my job, but she wouldn't take me. I would have to arrange for other co-workers or friends to take me.

Relying on myself was typical. I was allotted a $7.00 a week allowance, which I was to use for all of my clothes, health & beauty products, sports equipment, and so forth. I wasn't able to purchase shoes for my sport, so my step-father would sneak some home for me. When my mother found out he had provided them for me, she would insist that I thank him profusely (which I did without her ranting to me about it). Honestly, I felt like a burden most of the time.

My mother went back to school, and during this time, she had no time for me. My brother ended up moving in with my mother at this time as well, and he felt the distance as well. We would write her songs to serenade her but she would get mad at us, saying we made her feel guilty.

She thrived (and still thrives) on drama and being on a crusade. When she went back to school, she instigated a group to get the dean of the college fired. She spent countless hours on this mission, and succeeded, but our family life greatly suffered. Also, when my brother moved in, my parents had to head back to court again. My mother turned in to that vicious beast again, going after my Dad's throat. She started the phone taping recording again and drilling my brother & me about my Dad. See subsequent blog post: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Another observation I made of that time that still holds true to this day is the cycle of friendships that she had. She would never (and still doesn't) keep friends for very long. She will have a group for a period of time then she ditches them, only to have a new group. After a period time, that group is replaced with another. “Although she can be socially engaging, the borderline can quickly turn on those she needs, leaving friends and family members perplexed. Discarded friends frequently ask themselves, ‘What did I do to deserve this?’” p 56 Lawson.

I couldn't stand how fake she was around people other than my brother, Dad, and me. From the time of my first awareness of people's actions, as a small child, I consciously disliked how she could be so emotionally void, glum, and mean to my brother and me-- then with the ring of the doorbell, (((( poof )))) there was a different mother. She smiled, was witty, and gave out compliments. All the sudden my brother and I weren't invisible anymore.

When I was little, my mother spent a lot of time on the phone, smoking and doodling. As a teenager, she spent a lot of time involved with drama and crusades. She would go out drinking with friends and come home crocked, barely able to walk up the stairs. She didn't present a good role model to my brother and me, and I can tell you that I never wanted to be like her. She dropped out of college, cheated on both of her previous husbands, was divorced two times, treated her children as if they are burdens (actually made a statement to my brother and me that if she had a chance to do it all again that she would never have children), and was very emotionally void & fake.

The fact that I never wanted to be like her from a very, very early age perplexed me, as I couldn't put my finger on it for YEARS as to why I felt that way when I was so young. Well, when a mother doesn't show you emotion & love, when a mother doesn't grant you security & safety, and when a mother doesn't express support, liking this mother is tough. Add to the mix the fact that she was fake (could turn off and on a persona) and placed her needs over ours (except we were well fed, well dressed, and had toys).

I remember asking for reassurance from my paternal grandparents that I would never be like her. I remember my grandmother reassuring me that I am my own person. I remember thinking how much I want to be ME and how I can't stand it when someone says, "You're just like your mother". Through all of my struggles living at my mother's house, my goal was to make it until I was 18 years old, and then, as an adult, I would leave and go off to college. I struggled to believe in myself, trust my judgment, like myself, and stay true to my path. And I did...