Understanding the Borderline Mother | Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage

In the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Lawson the topic of how the BPD mother organizes a campaign of denigration (p. 141), which is exactly what happened to me when my mother disliked what she was hearing about my wedding. Lawson says, "The borderline enlists others as allies against the person who is the target of her rage. She may seek out friends, family members (including siblings and children), and co-workers of her victim in whom to confide fabricated stories designed to discredit her enemy. She intentionally leaves out discussion of her own behavior, presenting the other person's behavior as entirely unjustified." This is EXACTLY to a 'T' what happened to me during this present estrangement with my mother. And the following is an account of one of those people who my mother recruited during her campaign.

When my brother recently got out of jail and my mother went to 'help' him (Adult Child in Crisis with Personality Disorder Parents) after not seeing or talking to him for ten years) my mother took my brother to visit one of MY old colleagues. WHAT!? Yeah. WEIRD. That's my bizarre (there's that word again!) mother.

This girl (we'll call her Bree) was one of my employees at several places I managed through the late 1980's and early / mid 1990's as she would work where-ever I managed. In the mid-1990's, she was diagnosed with the same physical disease as my mother. I ended up giving each of them each other's number so they could talk about their diagnoses, symptoms, and treatment. Apparently they kept up with each other more than I thought or knew about.

During the course of my relationship with Bree, I inadvertently discovered she had a cocaine problem but I never addressed it at work or told my mother as her cocaine usage didn't interfere with work or me personally. Additionally, I never talked to Bree about my mother and our conflicts & estrangements.

Around the time that my future husband asked me to marry him (2004), I had just graduated with a Master's Degree and was helping my mother & step-father get their house in order before taking a job. I was working there Monday through Friday, 8 hours a day, with the purpose of gutting out, organizing, and cleaning-- I received $15.00 per day for my time and effort (basically gas money there and back). I was not helping for the 'money' (obviously)-- the effort was out of love, respect, and caring.

At this time, Bree came to town. When Bree arrived in town, she wanted to get together with everyone (who is friend's with mutual friends of mine) during the day... and my mother's response was that I was working a 'normal job' and that Bree shouldn't expect me to just leave during work hours. My mother acted like a 'boss', telling me that I have a commitment to working at her house. So, plans were made to have everyone meet at night.

A bunch of the old employees that all worked together (including Bree, our mutual friends, and myself) met at a restaurant. Bree acted VERY STRANGELY and left early (like 10 minutes after the last guest arrived who drove over an hour to get there). I later found out from one of our mutual friends in attendance that Bree was acting so strangely because she was craving cocaine and wanted to leave to get some. The next day, I told my mother this story about Bree, her behavior, and the cocaine.

Long story short, my mother and I had that blow up about my wedding, and our estrangement starts (Little Women 2004). My mother then turns to Bree and tells her that I am claiming she's a drug addict. Bree, of course, doesn't fess up to the fact that she has a cocaine problem and that her fiance is a dealer... and instead supports whatever my mother says about me to save face.

My mother also tells Bree that I felt as if Bree was imposing on me when she came to town and that I was irritated with her interfering with my work and daily routine. My mother COMPLETELY twisted the entire scenario around as MY MOTHER was the one who was ticked that Bree expected me to leave working at my mother's house but then flipped the information in order to recruit Bree to her "let's hate Gretel Ella" bandwagon.

"Others may believe the BPD's allegations of mistreatment because of the intensity of emotion. Misinformation is calculated and constructed in order to destroy the victim's reputation. Those who do not know the true situation may not notice inconsistencies in the BPD's story. It is difficult to verify the truth because the intensity of the emotion dissuades others from asking details" Lawson (p, 141). I believe Bree believes the allegations because of the calculated and constructed nature of the misinformation as well as she never knew the background of my mother and my relationship dating back to my childhood. Plus, I think Bree's belief in what my mother was purporting was self-motivated as well, as Bree needed to save her own reputation.

Reciprocally, my mother feels more justified that she did no wrong to me in regard to blowing up over my wedding as Bree, my ex-colleague, backs her up with WHATEVER she says (alas, the organization of the denigration campaign mentioned earlier!). Bree also becomes an accomplice and informant for my mother. Months prior to my wedding, I find out from a mutual friend that Bree and my mother are planning on crashing my wedding. And then every so often, I hear that Bree is trying to fish for information from our mutual friend about me to give to my mother.

SO THIS is the person that my mother took my brother to see just as he left jail. WHAT THE HECK!!?!? Hmmm, that is the 'help' that my brother needed in such a pinnacle and critical time in his life? Seems very self serving and convoluted on my mother's part if you ask me.

The Happiest Day of My Life (2005)

Wedding plans were a focus at the beginning of this year. The wedding was planning for the end of April, so decisions were being made and arrangements detailed. Having my mother flip out made the wedding easier to plan in one respect, but made it hard in other respects. My mother was telling people that she was going to "crash" my wedding and she continuing to tell people I "kicked" her out of the wedding. She was trying to organize a group of people to show up the day of my wedding to "crash" it, so to be safe, we arranged to have security officers present. I had to let them know what she looked like as well as any other person that may be tagging along with her. How bizarre, AGAIN.

I should have been focusing on the happy, joyful, and beautiful aspects of getting married to the man of my dreams-- but I had to consume myself with planning for the worst with my mother. Knowing how she has gone off the deep end in the past, I wouldn't put anything past her. I also had concerns about my brother not attending due to my step-sister's accusations-- and my Dad telling me that my brother wouldn't be allowed to attend if he didn't rectify the situation to my step-mother's and step-sister's satisfaction. I was very angry that my Dad was trying to control my life still, on a day that should be all about ME and my FIANCE. If I tried to approach the topic with my Dad, that I want my brother there no matter what, he would change the subject or say that it's all up to my brother ("he knows what he has to do", my Dad would say over and over).

Such a dark cloud was placed over me during a time of such happiness. As much as I tried to enjoy myself, I would be knocked down with news about my mother, my step-sister, my step-mother, father... and as much as I would try to shake it, I couldn't. I was surrounded by these negative factors that I couldn't pull myself out of unless we just planned to elope. My fiance had always dreamed of having his father as his best man, so I certainly didn't want to ask him to give that up. And the wedding had gotten too far into the planning stage to elope. So, the show must go on.

My step-mother was about as supportive as a gnat, meeting me for lunch to tell me that I have to just think that my mother is dead. She even said that I should wish for her to be dead as that is the best thing that could happen to me. The audacity of this lady! And then when we had our rehearsal, my step-sister AND step-mother had the audacity to ask me where my brother is, and they acted surprised to hear he wasn't coming. Yea, right, like they didn't know. They were the driving force behind him NOT being present. Do they think I am stupid!?

The wedding went off without a hitch. My mother didn't show up with her entourage to crash the wedding. I lamented about my brother not being present, but he was in my heart and soul. I was in heaven, dancing with my new husband, enjoying ourselves in one of our favorite locations, and thinking of our bright future ahead. We had a sunny honeymoon and thoroughly enjoyed our new lives as husband and wife.

Run Forrest Run (1983)

Life with my mother was all about her getting back at me for choosing my Dad over her. Life with my mother was her trying to make me feel the pain she apparently felt when I lived with my Dad. “The issue of betrayal is critical to understanding the dynamics between borderline mother and heir children. The borderline’s sensitivity to betrayal results in paranoid accusations, annihilating rage, and abandonment of the offending party” P 42 Lawson. Life with my mother was very abusive, both emotionally and mentally.

My mother had a few more court appearances against my Dad, and she was always trying to pigeon hole him into saying something damaging while she recorded the conversation on the phone. I felt extremely wrong for being part of this act, but she pressured me into calling and hooking up the recording device. She would have written out what I was to ask him or lead him into saying. Again, how my parents used the kids as pawns during their divorce was despicable. How my parents used the kids to hurt the other parent was despicable as well. See subsequent blog entry: Adult Children of Parental Alienation.

At first, things were floating along okay until the day that my great-grandmother came to visit. During that visit, my GG brought up the fact that another great-grandmother had passed away (when I was living with my Dad) and that she had left some money to all of the great-grandchildren. I was coming up the stairs when this conversation was ensuing, and I piped in something to the effect of, "Yea, I remember something to that respect. I think I signed the check over to Dad and he said he was putting it into a college account for me". My mother went completely ballistic. She said, "WHAT!? You hid this from me!? After all the money that I have spent in court battling your Dad, and you hid this from me!?" I responded that I hadn't hid it from her, that I had just not remembered, and that it was only like $500.00 anyway.

My mother didn't believe me and demanded that I go back downstairs. She yelled at me that she is glad that my last name is Smith, pushed me to the top of the stairs and said to get down, that she didn't want to see my face. "The voices of children are easily silenced by the fear of not being believed. The borderline's children feel like prisoners of a secret war. Children of borderlines know that their mother can make people vanish. They have seen her cut people to shreds with words, shatter reputations of those who betray, and stab them in the heart with false accusations. They know the feeling of sinking into nothingness by soul-wrenching verbal attacks" p 125 Lawson.

Once downstairs, I started to write in my diary (a diary that I had started in order to cope with the negative environment that I was immersed in). My mother came downstairs and took the phone and TV away from me. She told me that I wasn't leaving the house until I told her the truth about deceiving her (it was summer time). She then tried to pull the diary from my hands. I exclaimed that the diary is one thing that is mine and only mine, but she kept trying to pull it from my hands. Eventually I won out.

I wasn't allowed to leave that house the whole summer -- and into the new school year. Three months of pulling weeds for hours a day, cleaning the house, and having no contact with anyone outside of my mother and step-father. I started to run a lot at this point and joined the high school sports team in order to get away. I developed poison ivy from pulling weeds, and my mother didn't get me any medication until it had spread over my entire body (face included).

I could hear her telling her friends and some of my friend's mothers how horrible I am, telling them distorted accounts of my past, about my relationship with her, and what happened with my great-grandmother's inheritance money. “When others hear the borderline mother complain about her children, they assume that the children are troubled, rather than the mother. Unfortunately, for their children, this means that their private experience is unlikely to be validated by others” P 20 Lawson. Also during this time, my mother was leaving me these deranged notes, saying that she was getting back at me for all the hurt I put her through with my Dad. Each note got more and more far-out, and I just reassured myself that I would make it through living there until I was 18 and off at college. I kept writing in my diary, I kept praying for sanity, and I kept looking forward to the future.

I tried talking to my step-father about how my mother was treating me, but he failed t protect me from the abuse. One time I was trying to talk to him, my mother came downstairs and told him not to listen to me that I was just trying to manipulate him. She cut the conversation off and demanded him to leave the room. I felt completely alone and helpless in this dungeon of verbal and emotional abuse.

My teammates were the ones who I confided in about what I was going through at home. They were astonished that I had been secluded in the house for 3 months and said that I should figure out some way of talking to my mother. After days of deliberating, my team decided what was best was to tell my mother that I indeed deceived her. So, I have to lie and tell her that I did lie. This made no sense to me. What excuse we conjured up, I don't remember, but you will see that the reason was unimportant.

I went home that night from practice, and my step-father was out of town. At the dinner table with my mother standing at the kitchen sink, I said to my mother, "So, I want to tell you that I did hide the fact I knew about that money".

My mother looked up and said, "You were scared I would take it from you when we went to court".

I agreed and that was the end of the discussion. It was never brought up again. Very strangely nothing was EVER SAID about this again. After all the isolation, emotional & mental abuse, and confusion, I was allowed out of the house. I had my freedom again.

Although I had my freedom, I didn't have trust or boundaries. In public, she was sticky sweet, and then in private she would turn around and lash out at me. She looked through my things and read my diary & notes. She would interpret what she found in the worst possible manner and confront me in aggressive & hostile ways. And even though I would tell her the truth, she still believed what she wanted to believe. "Conflicts frequently erupt between the borderline mother and child over boundaries and privacy issues. The borderline feels entitled to listen to telephone conversations and to search bedrooms, and question friends about activities. The borderline can be unrelenting in her intrusiveness" p 114 Lawson.

Earlier when I said my decision to move in with my mother had positive results as well as the negative, with the positive being my education. I academically achieved excellent grades. I was part of academic & social clubs, and I was successful as an athlete. I honestly think that if I had stayed with my Dad, I wouldn't have been as successful with school as that household didn't place an emphasis on studying, achieving good grades, or excelling in pushing yourself to learn more and more. So, I have no regrets about all that achieved academically while I lived with my mother. I got advanced placement when entering college and was able to go on and achieve a master's degree as well.