Obligation to the Abusive Parent

Personality disordered parents control their children through manipulation, with little concern for how their parenting behavior will later influence the children's life. Although the parent had little concern, the adult-children of abusive parents often agonize about the obligation to the people who ruined their childhoods and left them with emotional and physical scars. Why should these adult-children have such deep concern and loyalty even at the expense of failing to protect themselves from further harm, especially to a person who had little concern for them in the first place? 

Children look to their parents to to nurture them and keep them safe. When a parent abuses a child,  the  impact is life-long. 

 

Anyone with the proper parts can birth a baby. Being a parent who earns respect, love, and kindness is an entirely different thing. Parents who choose to have a child are choosing to accept the responsibility for raising the child with love, safety, and security. Many parents, however, don't fulfill that responsibility, and just because this person is a parent doesn't give them license to manipulate, control, or abuse their child.  The child has no choice in the matter and is basically stuck with their parents until they come of age or until society deems her parents abusive and decides that they are not fit as parents. Should this adult-child have an obligation to their abusive parent?

Are Emotionally Healthy Interactions Possible? 

 

Sometimes completely severing relations seems to be too difficult or cause too much guilt; therefore, the adult-child attempts to have interactions that feel emotionally healthy. But how can one determine or distinguish how much is *emotionally healthy* before unknowingly getting tangled in the toxic web?  Deciding what is *emotionally healthy* requires constant reassessment. 

Abusers are often brilliant manipulators. It's no secret that adult-children often feel manipulated and lied to by their BDP parent. In other words, they feel controlled or taken advantage of through means such as threats, no-win situations, silent treatments, rages, and other unfair methods. In a relationship with BPD, adult-children are constantly faced with a collection of schemes, situations, manipulations, and interactions that have a hidden agenda... their agenda.

Feeling obligated to the ever destructive parent while trying to build and maintain a healthy and peaceful life is extremely challenging. Read on for how to survive a relationship with a BPD, which can be summed-up, as many people have, as walking on eggshells.

Pressure to Reconcile 

 

If you are estranged from your abusive parent and you are feeling pressured to reconcile by family members or others, you're being asked to psychologically dig up the past for the benefit of whom? You've made a fulfilling life for yourself which required a great deal of healing and soul-searching about the brutality you experienced. Why should you feel obligated to re-establish contact that could be very emotionally costly? 

Memories of traumas can that you have long left behind can resurface. Further, reestablishing contact could be destructive to your personal relationships and affect your spouse, children, and others. Your perceived obligation could tear apart and affect more than just you.

Harm to the Brain

 

Having a toxic parent is harmful to your brain, biochemically and emotionally. The damage may not be permanent if the stress and abuse are removed. Sometimes, as drastic as it sounds, that means letting go of a toxic parent. Feeling obligated to an abusive parent and, therefore, continually subjecting yourself to this damage is self destruction and self deprecation.

Adults retain the ability to rewire their brains by new experiences, including exercise, introspection, therapy, and medication. History can not be undone with therapy, but brains can be mended by removing or reducing stress. Feel an obligation to yourself rather than an obligation to the one who is causing this harm to your mind, body, and soul.

No Further Obligation  

 

No matter if you maintain contact or become estranged, you don't have any further obligation to your abuser. No formula exists for defining the adult-child's obligations to the parents who didn’t fulfill their own, however: 

• You do not owe your parents love if they treat you like dirt. 
• You do not owe your parents respect if they fail to respect you. 
• You do not owe your parents obedience if their demands are actively harmful to you. 
• You do not owe your parents gratitude for "having given you life" if they then went on to make that life a Hell on Earth. 
• You do not owe your parents gratitude for "having kept you fed and clothed" and / or other physical care because that's their parental job!
• You do not owe your parents gratitude for "having sacrificed XYZ for you" and then reminding you of it every day thereafter or whenever they want to guilt you into doing something. 
• You do not, absolutely NOT, owe your parents grandchildren.

Adult-children do not owe their abusive parents anything. Respect, love, and kindness are all things that are earned. 

Effects of a Borderline Personality Disorder Mother on Her Children

So what is your diagnosis? It is impossible for you to have been raised by and been witness to such disorder and not be affected yourself. Have you been honest and written an article about your diagnosis and treatment, or do you consider yourself not disordered in any way and somehow just rattled by it all and not ill yourself? What is your cluster and are you honest about it?

That excerpt was from an email that I received. I don’t know if the nature of the email was sincere or confrontational; however, I thought covering the topic provides value for those attempting to climb out of the trenches of their own personal war. As I have stated before, adult children of BPDs are *war veterans* in every sense of the word, and your psychic landscape no doubt looks something like what's left after a bombing attack.

Through the last 5 years of writing this blog, I have covered the effects of my upbringing and parental relationships. I always searched for my part in the relationship's challenges-- as every relationship takes two. I would analyze and dig deeply to assess my accountability in the estrangements. And time and time again, I was never angry or resentful or even bitter-- always sad that broken relationships surrounded my family. I also wished that our family could be a happy family that shared in successes and supported during failures. But most importantly, I always accepted that these were the cards that I was dealt, and I would manage them to the best of my abilities. 

Parents are the people we look to nurture us and keep us safe. When a parent abuses a child,  the  impact is life-long. My childhood was very confusing, very destructive, and very tormenting. My childhood left my brother and me treated carelessly, with conditions on love, and orphaned. And I think dealing with the emotions, feelings, and memories is crucial to being a healthy, happy, and productive adult. I thoroughly believe that our choices are guided by our internal subconscious shaped by our past experiences. And that internal subconscious can be a positive or negative force depending on the presence, amount, and condition of the scars.

Before we delve into the effects of the relationship with my BPD mother on me, the following are the four BDP mother categories and effects on their child(ren): 

The Witch

• Children live in terror of BPD Witches' capricious moods; they are the "collateral damage" of a secret war they did not start, do not understand, and cannot control.

• Attacks are random, intense, and cruel. Children automatically think they're at fault and can become shamed, depressed, insecure, dissociative, and hypervigilant.

•  As adults they may have multiple difficulties with self, relationships, physical illness, and even post traumatic stress disorder.

 

The Queen

• To the BPD Queen, children are a built-in audience expected to give love, attention and support when the BPD Queen needs it. Children feel confused and betrayed when their normal behavior is sometimes punished (according to the BPD Queen's needs of the moment). 

• As kids grow, conflict with the BPD Queen increases. Underneath, these kids long for approval, recognition, consistency, and to be loved unconditionally for who they are, not what they achieve.

The Waif

• They feel angry, afraid and alone.

• Children may feel like failures for not making the BPD happy, or they may keep trying and trying until the mother's death. This enmeshment (inability to separate) may hinder grown child's relationships, which may be fraught with dependency.

• The child may become cynical, angry, and feel manipulated or turn into over-responsible nursemaids seeking elusive approval.

• The message to children is that life is something to be endured until you die.

• The BPD shelters children to such an extent they find autonomy disconcerting.

The Hermit

• During adulthood, they suffer from many maladies stemming from trapped feelings such as panic attacks or phobias.

• Children not encouraged to explore and learn can become anxious when faced with new situations. They may not learn appropriate coping skills, give up control too easily, have a hard time trusting, and be less capable of naturally moving away from the parent.

My mother is the "Borderline Queen Witch" who married the "Narcissistic King". Borderline mothers are make-believe mothers living in darkness needing the rescuer husband. In particular, my borderline mother is characterized as the Queen, and the 'darkness' that lies within the borderline Queen is 'emptiness'. "Her inner experience is deprivation and her behavior evokes compliance. She is demanding and flamboyant and may intimidate others. The Queen feels entitled to exploit others and can be vindictive and greedy. The Queen's emotional message to her children is: Life is 'all about me'" p 38 Lawson. The Witch hides within my mother as a "temporary ego-state", and makes appearances at times quite frequently but can hide for periods of time. The Witch's darkness is annihilating rage with the message to her children: 'life is war'. 

I have worked very hard over the decades to be a healthy and happy individual, at peace with life, as well as productive and prosperous. Through an open mind and an open heart, I have been successful. I have seen psychiatrists from childhood onward, and I have never received a diagnosis of a psychological disorder (a psychological disorder, also known as a mental disorder, is a pattern of behavioral or psychological symptoms that impact multiple life areas and/or create distress for the person experiencing these symptoms). Although I have not had a formal diagnosis of a disorder, I have had issues to work-out and resolve.

I am very thankful for the wonderful friends that I have had through the decades who would listen for hours on end about MANY whys and questions. They are partly responsible for keeping me grounded and focused.  Besides finding answers through my friends, I have read books like crazy. And when the Internet became more and more of a comprehensive tool, I have used it to connect with others like me and to research even further. Then, I started to blog, which allowed me to take all of this information out of my head and put it somewhere else... AND most importantly, help others like me to sort out all of the jumbled mess that happened in the past and create an understanding of it all. Ultimately, no-contact was the healthiest alternative for not only myself but my child and husband too. 

Part of my being at peace and being able to overcome the effects of a BPD mother is due to the research that I conducted about personality disorders, communicating with others who have experienced mirror situations, support from friends / family, writing down all my history with accompanying analysis, and more. I count on myself for my happiness, peace of mind, and understanding of this world.

The following are the effects of the BPD / NPD dysfunctional toxicity on me, which some are still present (hyperawareness for example) but some have been overcome (insomnia for example): 

Hyperawareness

With the survivors of trauma and abuse, this hyperawareness is a defense mechanism. "A nearly universal characteristic of survivors is excessive emotional hypersensitivity... hyperawareness of body language, moods, and 'the meanings behind the words' is a highly functional defense mechanism" p 166 Evans / Sullivan. In regard to the BPD parent:

• One must be on defense for the next attack, so keeping a vigilant eye on her behavior is vital: She has that look in her eye again; I need to stay away. Her body language is saying she's in a 'witch' mood, I better hide. She is becoming more and more aggressive with her language today; she is probably going to verbally attack me today.  

• Trying to sort-out the confusing and twisted behavior creates a need to collect as much information as possible to try to figure out her behavior (past, present, future). Seemingly, every action or word spoken is another piece of the puzzle.

With these observations of body language, eye contact, verbal communication, many times the child of the BPD questions their own perception of that is transpiring. Is the BPD really that bad? Perhaps the meaning behind the actions / words is being misread? Maybe the BPD doesn't really mean to act or say those things, and maybe I am the one who has the problem? "Children of borderlines may spend their entire lives trying to understand their mother and themselves. They are preoccupied with sorting out the meanings of interactions, studying their own perceptions, and questioning the intentions of others" Lawson p 302

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2012/03/hyperawareness-defense-mechanism-then.html

Fight or Flight

I am generally a calm, cool, and collected person BUT whenever I have a potential confrontation, actual confrontation, or cause of concern related to my parents, my body immediately reacts. I get shaky, I feel sick to my stomach, I get out-of-breath, and my mind runs a million miles an hour. After decades of ...

• wondering when the next blow-up is going to happen or 

• what I am going to be falsely accused of next or 

• what is being fabricated about me now or

• having my parent(s) confront me with the next "we have to sit down an talk" scenario

... my body is sent into a tail-spin when my parents are discussed relative to me. This 'tail-spin' is fight-or-flight which is defined as the set of processes that occur in the body when it is confronted with some form of physical or mental stress. The nervous system signals for adrenaline and other hormones to be released into the blood which prepare the body either to confront or flee (thus, “fight or flight”). Changes in the body include increased heart rate, dilated pupils of the eye (to improve vision), and increased supply of blood to the muscles (to prepare the body for action).

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2012/03/fight-or-flight-with-parental.html

Insomnia

Growing up in an environment with a borderline personality mother and a malignantly narcissistic Dad compounded by a period of simultaneous major-life-stessors (moving, death of grandmother, death of grandfather, parental divorce, parents remarrying), I developed several symptoms of stress. Insomnia was one of the resulting symptoms, which when your sense of safety and trust are shattered, having difficulty falling asleep is a normal reaction to abnormal events.

I can remember the EXACT night that the insomnia started in 1977 when I was 9 years old. Most anxious children do not have a specific event that triggered their anxiety, but some do. Certainly some situations can be anxiety producing, especially those that disrupt the child's sense of structure and order in their world (parental divorce, deaths in the family, trauma, moves) WorryWiseKids.org

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/childhood-insomnia-resulting-from.html

Mental Scars

A seminal 1992 American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) report defines childhood abuse as "a repeated pattern of damaging interactions between parent(s) [or, presumably, other significant adults] and child that becomes typical of the relationship." In addition to physical, sexual and verbal abuse, this can include anything that causes the child to feel worthless, unlovable, insecure, and even endangered, or as if his only value lies in meeting someone else's needs.

I wasn't left unscarred from my childhood trauma. I have battled insomnia during peak times of childhood trauma. I have battled anxiety throughout my life, waiting for the next bomb to explode in my family. I have sought acceptance and attention from my parents that I will never achieve in receiving. I have searched, researched, dug, and sought understanding of my past, with which my parents have never assisted (my mother is irrational when speaking of the past, and my Dad 'doesn't remember' because he 'doesn't want to', which neither helps when trying to gain peace with the past).

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2010/12/what-is-childhood-trauma.html

Toxic Guilt and Anxiety

Guilt trips are a very powerful tool, and I had a challenge with guilt trips and toxic guilt from my parents for many decades. In addition to the guilt, I started to have symptoms of anxiety starting in the mid-late 1990's. I believe the anxiety is a result from the long-term guilt I was experiencing compounded by the post traumatic stress that I experienced from the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and emotional abuse from my parents' personality disorders.

When you're brought up in an environment where you have been unfairly blamed for the wrongs of others, emotionally abused, or pitted against one parent by the other, the adult child may not have the ability to stop feeling guilty-- this is toxic guilt. Absorbing feelings of guilt, accepting blame, and being passive contribute to the guilty feelings. This early pattern of accepting other's guilt creates difficulty with stopping feelings of guilt about the past.

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/08/childhood-passport-filled-with-toxic.html

Loneliness

Through the years I have felt like something is missing. I felt like I have been searching for something from my mother and Dad-- some sort of answer. And recently I had an epiphany: I don't feel like I belong to a family. I feel like I am an adult orphan. Prior to my parent's separation (You Dropped a Bomb on Me), I felt like I belonged to a family: my Dad, mother, brother, and me. Additionally, I had a deep relationship with my maternal grandparents, which both passed away (1977, 1977). Shortly after the announcement of my parent's separation (1979), that feeling of belonging started to erode away. I haven't been able to put my finger on the feeling until just the other day when I was looking at my daughter and feeling such pure love and joy looking in her eyes-- I belong with her & my husband, she & my husband belong with me, I have family across the country is very loving & supportive- we are a family, and I belong. I haven't had that since I was 11 years old.

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/08/not-feeling-like-i-belong-to-family.html

Shame

As an adult child of two parents with personality disorders, I knew when the abuse was actually going on that some after-effects would be experienced later in life. Although I was able to endure the abuse, I knew I deep-sixed some of the feelings. I remember thanking God for giving me a head on my shoulders to know that the abuse was my parents doing-- that what I was going through was a product of their manufacturing. Even so, I knew that somewhere down the line, feelings or results could emerge. Both my BPD mother and NPD father wielded shame well with their emotional abuse, and I exhibit residual effects from the abuse I endure from my BPD mother and NPD father. 

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/03/understanding-my-borderline-mother.html

If you are an adult child of a BPD mother, what are some of the effects you have experienced? What have done to over-come these effects? 

Childhood Passport Filled with Toxic Guilt Trips

Ahhh, Those Guilt Trips

I went on so many trips with my parents that I can't even begin to count them. These trips weren't fun trips, however. They weren't vacations, get-aways, or holidays-- these trips were guilt trips. My parents managed to guilt trip me all the way into adulthood. Somehow, I always felt a great deal of responsibility and fault.

With a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother and a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Dad, they were both masters at creating guilt trips. I tried and tried and tried to make each of them happy, walking on eggshells, at the expense of receiving none. That 'none' is the toll of living in such a relationship.

Childhood Passport Filled with Guilt Trips

So what exactly is a guilt trip? Guilt trips are about violating boundaries, controlling someone, and a method of manipulating through indirect and passive-aggressive tactics. Toxic guilt is associated with a desire to apologize, make reparations, and be forgiven for something for which you don't have responsibility. Toxic guilt stems from a focus on bad behavior that already occurred, is a negative and confidence crushing feeling, and is a matter of one's conscience. Toxic guilt is a tool used to make someone feel badly.

On another note, guilt can be 'good'. Good guilt makes you pay attention to the feelings of others and makes you feel badly if you hurt someone. It also redistributes emotional distress so that the wronged person doesn’t end up being the only one feeling poorly. Good guilt makes us apologize for wrong-doings and compels us to do things we don’t really want to.

When you're brought up in an environment where you have been unfairly blamed for the wrongs of others, emotionally abused, or pitted against one parent by the other, the adult child may not have the ability to stop feeling guilty-- this is toxic guilt. Absorbing feelings of guilt, accepting blame, and being passive contribute to the guilty feelings. This early pattern of accepting other's guilt creates difficulty with stopping feelings of guilt about the past.

Guilt trips are a very powerful tool, and I had a challenge with guilt trips and toxic guilt from my parents for many decades. In addition to the guilt, I started to have symptoms of anxiety starting in the mid-late 1990's. I believe the anxiety is a result from the long-term guilt I was experiencing compounded by the post traumatic stress that I experienced from the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and emotional abuse from my parents' personality disorders.

As a child after very traumatic experiences I had when my parents were tugging at my brother and me, I distinctively remember thinking , "I know I am handling this stress right now, but long term repercussions will show up later in life." I could feel internally the knots and sickness from the stressful & abusive experiences and buried it all deeply. I was a strong pillar for my brother and myself, but no matter how strong I was, I still had that guilt nagging at me with almost every decision I made that involved my parents. I never felt like I could win-- all the way up to the last estrangement with each parent (mother 2004; Dad 2008)

I have so many stories I could tell about the guilt trips I experienced through out 30 years; however, I have picked out a select few:

• I can truly say that I was ripped in half during my parents separation and divorce, initiating in 1979. No matter what I chose, one parent was hurt or rejected. This scenario was not my doing, and my parents shouldn't have created such a scenario; however, they did-- and my brother & I suffered with traumatic, stressful, and decisions NO CHILD should EVER have to make. Choosing one parent over the other is HORRIBLE... and creates a guilt ridden situation that is a no win. To this day, I can't have a relationship with both parents at the same time. Note that my parents will say they didn't make my brother and I choose, and they will also say that we can have both of them in our lives at the same time. The Reality: The truth is that all FACTS surrounding the respective relationships illustrate that (1) we had to choose one parent over the other and (2) how we HAVE NOT had both parents in our life at the same time consistently.
  
• When my parents separated in 1979, my brother and I lived with my mother while my Dad lived in an apartment about 2 miles away. My Dad would intercept me during my walk to elementary school and give me a ride. During that ride, he would cry and tell me how horrible life was without my brother and me. He would proclaim how much he missed us. Seeing him cry and hearing him profess how miserable he was truly played on my heart strings and I felt incredibly guilty for residing with my mother and leaving him all alone. The Reality: my brother and I were subjected to Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) as children, which this was one of the examples where my Dad inflicted the emotional abuse. With PAS, one parent tries to turn the child(ren) against the other parent.
  
• In 1979 when my brother and I moved into my Dad's apartment, my Dad aided and abetted a heart-wrenching situation at Christmas. My brother and I were supposed to visit with my mother and decorate the Christmas tree. Due to overwhelming feelings of not being loyal to my Dad and also being very scared of my mother due to the PAS my Dad inflicted, my brother and I decided not to visit with my mother. I felt incredibly guilty imagining my mother all alone with the bare tree sitting there surrounded by boxes of decorations. For more on this story, visit Who Dunnit 1980 The Reality: my brother and I made decisions as children based on the severe PAS subjected by my Dad. My mother to this day holds my brother and me accountable as if we were adults at the time making these decisions. Multiple layers of guilt exists with this example.
  
• In the early 1980's, I resided with my mother. She would have me call my Dad with a script of what to say. Additionally, she had the phone hooked up to a recording device. If I didn't follow her instructions, she would berate me on how my Dad is so horrible and how he has taken advantage of her and me. Not wanting to create a miserable living experience with my mother, I would follow her command and make the calls. The guilt I felt after the calls was immense. The Reality: Being a child under emotionally abusive conditions, I should have not felt guilty for which actions I was not responsible. My mother subjected me to Parental Alienation Syndrome (which this example is just one of many where my mother took extraordinary efforts to hurt my Dad), and I felt very guilty about how my Dad was being alienated and treated.
• In the late 1980's, my mother and I were estranged; however, she made contact with me by showing up at one of my jobs. My Dad caught wind that my mother was trying to reenter my life. Subsequently, he showed up at one of my jobs to tell me that if I started communicating with my mother again that he would disown me. I mulled over the decision to open communications with my mother, and the guilt that I felt about choosing one parent over the other was very troubling and clouded my thought process. The Reality: Having to choose one parent over the other is extremely heart-wrenching and creates a huge fall-out in one's emotions, as no matter what your choice is, you hurt someone. My parents should have never subjected my brother and me to this treatment from childhood to present.
  
• My mother was diagnosed with an illness in the early 1990's. I had opportunities for incredible career and salary growth; however, due to my mother pleading about how she was so ill that I couldn't leave her, I opted not to take the promotions. Her guilt trips halted my career growth as I felt stifled that any decision I made would leave her deserted in her time of illness and need. The Reality: I am the only one that can to control my life and to manage my life. Making decisions based on the guilt laden statements is not sensible or reasonable-- however, at the time, the guilt trips clouded my decision making and ultimately caused decisions that were not in my best interest.
  
• My mother and I would get together every Monday for shopping and dinner in the early to mid-1990's. If canceled, she would send me on a guilt trip. I rarely canceled as the repercussions were worse than the joy I would have had with the friend / event. The Reality: a relationship based on control and guilt is not authentic. I was always searching for an authentic relationship with my mother and feeling forced into weekly visits with her only furthered the feeling of an inauthentic relationship.
  
• In the late 1990's, my Dad and I started visiting often. During this time, he would slip me money in private. He would always tell me to keep it to myself and not say anything to anyone. I was very touched that he was thinking of me and reaching out to me: planning ahead to give me the money, pulling me away from the rest of the group, and showing interest in me. I felt guilty for the time that had lapsed in our relationship when we didn't have contact. The Reality: I found out years later that the money he was slipping me was from my grandmother's death-- the money that she left me that he never gave me when she passed away. So, not only should I have not wasted time feeling guilty for the time that lapsed in our relationship as I was not the only player in the situation, but I shouldn't have been so gullible to his overly generous gestures. Our prior estrangement was due to my Dad not paying for my college (which he was legally obligated to do per the divorce agreement where he obtained all the equity in the house from my mother in exchange for paying my brother's and my undergraduate college expenses), claiming me as a dependent after I had not resided with him for 8 years which prohibited me from attaining scholarships & grants, and dropping me from the group car insurance without telling me until I discovered I was driving with no insurance 6 months after the fact. People don't change, and I gave him too much credit, thus fell for it hook, line, and guilt trip.
  
• When I met my future husband in 2000 and I knew our relationship was going to blossom into a life long journey, I fretted how I was going to handle a wedding. No matter what situation I imagined for my wedding, I felt guilty about the situation in which someone would be placed, whether my birth father, Dad, or step-father, siblings, or mother. No matter what I imagined, someone would be uncomfortable-- and that included me. My wedding was a no-win situation and one that I felt guilty about even before any wedding plans were made. The Reality: In the end, no amount of worry or guilty feelings prevented my mother from flying off the deep-end about my wedding. My mother was ready to be mad at me no matter, and we are still estranged to this day. I should have aimed to please myself and my fiance without worrying about trying to please everyone else as well.
  

The power of guilt is overwhelming. Guilt can cloud your decision making, lead to anxiety, and make your life your life one convoluted mess. Andrew Vachss in You Carry the Cure in Your Own Heart says: They use guilt the same way a loan shark uses money: They don’t want the “debt” paid off, because they live quite happily on the “interest.”

By the way, my debt is paid. I have stopped feeling guilty. And I can say that the guilt stopped when I took control of MY LIFE and started making decisions that were best for me. I stopped feeling guilty when I reassured myself that I am doing the best I can and that my parents are the ones treating our relationship with carelessness, disrespect, and abuse. Believing in myself and understanding my past have been powerful tools in combating guilt. And knowing that I am leading my life towards my aspirations and vision are incredibly liberating.

The Effects of Guilt Trips

With constant toxic guilt, a series of emotions and altered the state & structure of the brain can be experienced. Guilt can be immobilizing, cause anxiety & insomnia, and affect mental stability. Toxic guilt leads to the mind denying access to natural feelings that are now blocked. The guiltier one feels, the ability to make effective and healthy decisions is decreased.

Guilt can also have many negative effects on not just the mind but also on the body. "Guilt could potentially immobilize you. You can become so overcome by the fear of doing, acting, saying, or being 'wrong' that you eventually collapse, give in, and choose inactivity, silence, and the status quo" James Messina from "Handling Guilt".

How to Stop Taking Guilt Trips

• Understand Yourself: be clear about who you are, what you want, and what you are willing to do. Acknowledging each of these assists in dealing with the abuser's agenda. Having this clarity makes you less vulnerable to the control of guilt trips.
  
• Just Say No: communicate your limits and take control when someone is trying to lay a controlling guilt trip on you. Pleasantly agree to disagree. Be prepared for a reaction from the abuser that (1) you are being difficult or (2) attempting to place blame on you for creating a conflict by disagreeing. The abuser may even take the situation so far as to expect you to 'fix' the relationship if the result of you disagreeing throws him / her over the edge-- expecting an apology or promise to not disagree again. Stick to your guns and don't do it.
  
• Echo Back: when someone is trying to take you on a guilt trip, echo back what is being communicated to you. For example, "Are you saying that if I don't _____, then I am not being a good son / daughter?"
  
• Ask for Clarification: use his / her words to flip the situation back. For example, "I have the feeling that you are upset because ______. Is that right?"
• Mental Toughness Training: simply put, push yourself over feeling guilty: (1) tell someone how you feel (2) be ready to stand up for your beliefs (3) be ready for the challenges that will come your way (4) let go of the guilty feelings (5) be ready to fight and continue to fight to keep control of the situation
• See a Trained Professional: through the use of a psychologists, you can explore why you feel guilty and how to not take those guilt trips anymore
  

Overcoming guilt doesn't happen overnight, but with practice, a guilt free life is within reach. If you feel guilty again, go over the decision to think and act for the benefit of your mind, body, and soul again. Continue to practice the points above and know that you ARE worth the efforts! Now that I am guilt free from my parents, I can reflect back and see how controlling the guilt was and how my decisions were guided by these indirect and passive-aggressive tactics. In my situation, I wasn't able to truly break free from the guilt trips and toxic guilt until I was free of my parents. Once I maintained no contact, I have had closure-- I am free.