BPD Mother | Meddling with Our Lives (3)

Now that I have written about how my mother has meddled in my life since birth with my fathers... and how that meddling has now left me with shattered or splintered relationships with 3 father figures... I want to write about her present day meddling. This meddling is happening even though we've been estranged for almost 5 years.

My brother and mother have been estranged for almost 10 years at this point, and have only SEEN each other ONCE in 20 years. And like I just said, I've been estranged from her for almost 5 years. I posted a few posts back about how she all of the sudden popped up on Facebook (Rearing Their Ugly Heads), and although I blocked her, making myself invisible, my brother received an email from her and started to communicate with her. This was mid-February, and by the end of February, my brother ended up in jail for financial obligations he can't meet.

And all the sudden, my mother is this crusader, trying to rally people together to get my brother out of jail. I received an email from her the other day (my heart hit my feet), that was also sent to my step-brother (how in the world, he asks me, did she get his email!?), my brother's fiance (she had blocked my mother on Facebook, telling her she is not getting in the middle of anything), and my DAD (who says he wouldn't shed a tear if she died tomorrow)! In the email she says:

Dear Friends and Family, As we all know, xxxx is now in jail, and, is not doing well. I think he needs to get out because it is not helping his kids, nor his fiance, nor himself. I know that all of us have been "burned" over and over by xxxx, but in this case, I really think he needs help, psychiatrically and physically, and being in jail is only adding to his problems. It seems as though he will never dig himself out unless we help, AGAIN!!! As his Mom, I know that he needs to pay for his behavior, but this jail sentence of 90 days is punishing all of us and his kids, not just xxxx. So please, think it over. We all love xxxx and want to "straighten" him out, and helping him in the past has never worked. But please keep an open mind. If you have any other ideas, I would like to hear them. Thank you.

OH MY GOODNESS! How presumptuous to think you know what the heck is going on in his life! How presumptuous to think you even have an inkling of what he's been going through the last DECADE! How presumptuous to think you can just contact whoever you please and try to get them involved -- namely get them involved with YOUR CRUSADE. How inappropriate to talk about him in the way she did! How nervy she was to even think she could email and ask for an "open mind". BIZARRE. AGAIN.

I didn't respond. Neither did my step-brother. However, my brother's fiance responded. My brother's fiance said that my mother wanted everyone to pool money together to bail my brother out. AGAIN HOW PRESUMPTUOUS. Although my Dad has been selfish with his time, himself, and his love, he hasn't been selfish with his money in regard to my brother-- and my mother, of course, doesn't know this. After my mother emailed my brother's fiance a few times, she CALLS my Dad who tells her to not ever call again. So, my mother decides to bail my brother out and tells him she is going to do as such.

After a 24-hour period, my mother decides she's NOT going to bail him out but has my step-father speak to my brother and break the news. WHAT!? First of all, telling him you're going to bail him out, getting his hopes up, and then crashing them is uncalled for! Second of all, not having the kahunas to tell him yourself is despicable.

And if you read the post, Rearing Their Ugly Heads, about when she contacted my brother on Facebook around mid-February, you will read how she knocked him down pretty hard with harsh words and criticisms. Then when he's going through this tough time weeks later, she comes to his rescue as a crusader only to disappoint him. What a roller coaster ride.

Through all of this, she is still emailing my brother's fiance, adding comments about me here and there. My mother doesn't know that I have a good repore with my brother's fiance that dates back before my estrangement with my mother (my brother and her were estranged already so I kept news about him to myself), and so my brother's fiance knows better than to believe my mother's accusations, criticisms, and comments. I, however, am bothered that mother is still going after me... still willingly try to make her daughter look bad, trying to spread bad news about me, and trying to turn people against me. I know it's the BPD, but I still am baffled at her efforts to degrade and vilify me... and the lack of efforts to call me just prior to the estrangement.

So, here we are, almost 5 years into an estrangement, and she is still getting at me... I guess it will never end.

Estranged Parents Rearing Their Ugly Heads

It's funny. I've been concentrating on writing this blog, getting all the background information in so I can actually get into actually blogging, and lo & behold, both the Queen and the King reared their ugly heads into my life.

I am on Facebook, and I have checked to see if my mother has an account every now and then. My account is set to private, but I want to be able to fully block her if she happens to pop up. Well, she popped up last week. My heart hit the floor. Yikes, there she is. With the way Facebook is set up, if you are set to private, people can't see your profile but if you share a 'friend' with them, they could see your comments left on the Wall. If you block the person, you are completely invisible, including all comments left on a Wall. So, no hesitation, I blocked her.

Well, it was late at night and I didn't want to bug my brother, so I decided to wait until morning to warn him. By the time I got a hold of him in the morning, she had already Facebook emailed him. She said something to the effect of, "Funny seeing you here". What a bizarre thing to say after not communicating with your son for TEN YEARS. If you are reaching out to an estranged son wanting to open lines of communication, wouldn't you say something like, "I have missed you" or "How are you? I have been thinking of you"??

I advised my brother to not answer her and to block her. I reminded him of the vicious cycles we have endured with her-- and how each of the cycles concludes. I reminded him of how she will go after your friends and say horrible things about you, and how on Facebook, the system will easily facilitate her being able to find people from his past to talk smack to. And just as I warned, my mother had ALREADY contacted his fiance that she has never met! How ballsy! How presumptuous! How tacky! How MY MOTHER.

My brother, being soft hearted about her recently, said he had to 'think' about what to do. Time heals wounds, and the last attack on him by my mother was ten years ago. My wounds are fresher, plus I have brought a lot of this to the forefront by researching, reading, trying to understand, and writing about it. My clarity of thought is at a much different level than his at this point.

He instructs her to email him at his private email, and then he blocked her from Facebook. His fiance tells my mother that she doesn't want to get in the middle of anything and that she should contact my brother at his private email, then she blocks her as well. So, my mother writes my brother and asks how he's doing. My brother recently was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease, and since she has an auto-immune disease as well, he thought they'd have common ground for discussion AND a mother who could give valuable information about these diseases.

To his dismay, he got a scathing email about how horrible he's been since he was a child. That he has to own up to the things he's done since he was a child if he's to ever be a 'man'. She continued by saying that she and my Dad have had nothing to do with the choices he's made, the path in life he's taken, and where he is in life. As my brother read me her words, my stomach twisted into a knot, I started to shake, and I hyperventilated.

SHE HAS NOT CHANGED. SHE HAS GOTTEN WORSE. SHE IS CRUEL. SHE IS HATEFUL.

Now, I admit-- my brother has made some mistakes in life (haven't we all??), AND my brother DOES own up to them. BUT my mother and Dad have made extremely selfish choices through out their life that rarely (if ever) included my brother's best interests. Neither of them have owned up to this fact! In fact, both of them think that our past has absolutely nothing to do with who we are.

Instead of embracing my brother for who he is, for loving him for the person he has become, and believing in him, he gets shot down with how bad he is... AGAIN. I couldn't believe the cruel and hateful words... and I begged my brother to stop all communications with her immediately.

A couple days later, I went out to my mailbox to find a birthday card for my daughter from my Dad. He never contacted her for Christmas-- no card, no call, no present, no nothing. To top it off, he only saw her 5 times in 2008, which included showing up late, leaving early due to other obligations, and not spending one-on-one time with her. He doesn't show an interest in fostering a relationship with her and says that she's not 'normal' because she's timid toward him. But here's a birthday card. Hmmmm.

My Dad and I haven't communicated since December 27, 2008 (Holidays Leading to the Last Straw) when he sent me an email canceling coming over to my house to celebrate the Saturday after Christmas. The communications before that were harsh and uncaring because he was mad that my husband's parents were coming in town for Christmas preventing us from going to Dad's house Christmas Day - and- because he thought I made a 'big deal' about not receiving my gift from the family name drawing when I inquired about the shipping status of it.

So, I am holding this card to my daughter wondering what the motive is behind it. My life with him has always been a game, so what is the strategy behind his move? To make me feel guilty? To remind me he's still there? By the way, he's still gossiping to my brothers about me and presenting a poor-pitiful-me to them, saying he wants to give my daughter Christmas gifts but he's waiting for me to call him. Now that's ass backwards. "Hi Dad. Do you have gifts for my daughter? Oh, you do. Well, bring them over and give them to her". No, that's not how gift giving works. So, one of my brothers ponders to me, "Why doesn't he just pick up the phone and call you!? Or why doesn't he pack up the gifts and send them if he wants so much for her to have the gifts!?" My Dad wants control-- plain and simple. And I won't allow him to control me anymore. See subsequent blog post: What Makes my Narcissist Dad Tick

All I know is my life is so much more peaceful without all the drama... without the manipulations and control issues... without the conditions... so whatever the motive, it's my time to make the move in the game, and I am staying put.