Obligation to the Abusive Parent

Personality disordered parents control their children through manipulation, with little concern for how their parenting behavior will later influence the children's life. Although the parent had little concern, the adult-children of abusive parents often agonize about the obligation to the people who ruined their childhoods and left them with emotional and physical scars. Why should these adult-children have such deep concern and loyalty even at the expense of failing to protect themselves from further harm, especially to a person who had little concern for them in the first place? 

Children look to their parents to to nurture them and keep them safe. When a parent abuses a child,  the  impact is life-long. 

 

Anyone with the proper parts can birth a baby. Being a parent who earns respect, love, and kindness is an entirely different thing. Parents who choose to have a child are choosing to accept the responsibility for raising the child with love, safety, and security. Many parents, however, don't fulfill that responsibility, and just because this person is a parent doesn't give them license to manipulate, control, or abuse their child.  The child has no choice in the matter and is basically stuck with their parents until they come of age or until society deems her parents abusive and decides that they are not fit as parents. Should this adult-child have an obligation to their abusive parent?

Are Emotionally Healthy Interactions Possible? 

 

Sometimes completely severing relations seems to be too difficult or cause too much guilt; therefore, the adult-child attempts to have interactions that feel emotionally healthy. But how can one determine or distinguish how much is *emotionally healthy* before unknowingly getting tangled in the toxic web?  Deciding what is *emotionally healthy* requires constant reassessment. 

Abusers are often brilliant manipulators. It's no secret that adult-children often feel manipulated and lied to by their BDP parent. In other words, they feel controlled or taken advantage of through means such as threats, no-win situations, silent treatments, rages, and other unfair methods. In a relationship with BPD, adult-children are constantly faced with a collection of schemes, situations, manipulations, and interactions that have a hidden agenda... their agenda.

Feeling obligated to the ever destructive parent while trying to build and maintain a healthy and peaceful life is extremely challenging. Read on for how to survive a relationship with a BPD, which can be summed-up, as many people have, as walking on eggshells.

Pressure to Reconcile 

 

If you are estranged from your abusive parent and you are feeling pressured to reconcile by family members or others, you're being asked to psychologically dig up the past for the benefit of whom? You've made a fulfilling life for yourself which required a great deal of healing and soul-searching about the brutality you experienced. Why should you feel obligated to re-establish contact that could be very emotionally costly? 

Memories of traumas can that you have long left behind can resurface. Further, reestablishing contact could be destructive to your personal relationships and affect your spouse, children, and others. Your perceived obligation could tear apart and affect more than just you.

Harm to the Brain

 

Having a toxic parent is harmful to your brain, biochemically and emotionally. The damage may not be permanent if the stress and abuse are removed. Sometimes, as drastic as it sounds, that means letting go of a toxic parent. Feeling obligated to an abusive parent and, therefore, continually subjecting yourself to this damage is self destruction and self deprecation.

Adults retain the ability to rewire their brains by new experiences, including exercise, introspection, therapy, and medication. History can not be undone with therapy, but brains can be mended by removing or reducing stress. Feel an obligation to yourself rather than an obligation to the one who is causing this harm to your mind, body, and soul.

No Further Obligation  

 

No matter if you maintain contact or become estranged, you don't have any further obligation to your abuser. No formula exists for defining the adult-child's obligations to the parents who didn’t fulfill their own, however: 

• You do not owe your parents love if they treat you like dirt. 
• You do not owe your parents respect if they fail to respect you. 
• You do not owe your parents obedience if their demands are actively harmful to you. 
• You do not owe your parents gratitude for "having given you life" if they then went on to make that life a Hell on Earth. 
• You do not owe your parents gratitude for "having kept you fed and clothed" and / or other physical care because that's their parental job!
• You do not owe your parents gratitude for "having sacrificed XYZ for you" and then reminding you of it every day thereafter or whenever they want to guilt you into doing something. 
• You do not, absolutely NOT, owe your parents grandchildren.

Adult-children do not owe their abusive parents anything. Respect, love, and kindness are all things that are earned. 

Effects of a Borderline Personality Disorder Mother on Her Children

So what is your diagnosis? It is impossible for you to have been raised by and been witness to such disorder and not be affected yourself. Have you been honest and written an article about your diagnosis and treatment, or do you consider yourself not disordered in any way and somehow just rattled by it all and not ill yourself? What is your cluster and are you honest about it?

That excerpt was from an email that I received. I don’t know if the nature of the email was sincere or confrontational; however, I thought covering the topic provides value for those attempting to climb out of the trenches of their own personal war. As I have stated before, adult children of BPDs are *war veterans* in every sense of the word, and your psychic landscape no doubt looks something like what's left after a bombing attack.

Through the last 5 years of writing this blog, I have covered the effects of my upbringing and parental relationships. I always searched for my part in the relationship's challenges-- as every relationship takes two. I would analyze and dig deeply to assess my accountability in the estrangements. And time and time again, I was never angry or resentful or even bitter-- always sad that broken relationships surrounded my family. I also wished that our family could be a happy family that shared in successes and supported during failures. But most importantly, I always accepted that these were the cards that I was dealt, and I would manage them to the best of my abilities. 

Parents are the people we look to nurture us and keep us safe. When a parent abuses a child,  the  impact is life-long. My childhood was very confusing, very destructive, and very tormenting. My childhood left my brother and me treated carelessly, with conditions on love, and orphaned. And I think dealing with the emotions, feelings, and memories is crucial to being a healthy, happy, and productive adult. I thoroughly believe that our choices are guided by our internal subconscious shaped by our past experiences. And that internal subconscious can be a positive or negative force depending on the presence, amount, and condition of the scars.

Before we delve into the effects of the relationship with my BPD mother on me, the following are the four BDP mother categories and effects on their child(ren): 

The Witch

• Children live in terror of BPD Witches' capricious moods; they are the "collateral damage" of a secret war they did not start, do not understand, and cannot control.

• Attacks are random, intense, and cruel. Children automatically think they're at fault and can become shamed, depressed, insecure, dissociative, and hypervigilant.

•  As adults they may have multiple difficulties with self, relationships, physical illness, and even post traumatic stress disorder.

 

The Queen

• To the BPD Queen, children are a built-in audience expected to give love, attention and support when the BPD Queen needs it. Children feel confused and betrayed when their normal behavior is sometimes punished (according to the BPD Queen's needs of the moment). 

• As kids grow, conflict with the BPD Queen increases. Underneath, these kids long for approval, recognition, consistency, and to be loved unconditionally for who they are, not what they achieve.

The Waif

• They feel angry, afraid and alone.

• Children may feel like failures for not making the BPD happy, or they may keep trying and trying until the mother's death. This enmeshment (inability to separate) may hinder grown child's relationships, which may be fraught with dependency.

• The child may become cynical, angry, and feel manipulated or turn into over-responsible nursemaids seeking elusive approval.

• The message to children is that life is something to be endured until you die.

• The BPD shelters children to such an extent they find autonomy disconcerting.

The Hermit

• During adulthood, they suffer from many maladies stemming from trapped feelings such as panic attacks or phobias.

• Children not encouraged to explore and learn can become anxious when faced with new situations. They may not learn appropriate coping skills, give up control too easily, have a hard time trusting, and be less capable of naturally moving away from the parent.

My mother is the "Borderline Queen Witch" who married the "Narcissistic King". Borderline mothers are make-believe mothers living in darkness needing the rescuer husband. In particular, my borderline mother is characterized as the Queen, and the 'darkness' that lies within the borderline Queen is 'emptiness'. "Her inner experience is deprivation and her behavior evokes compliance. She is demanding and flamboyant and may intimidate others. The Queen feels entitled to exploit others and can be vindictive and greedy. The Queen's emotional message to her children is: Life is 'all about me'" p 38 Lawson. The Witch hides within my mother as a "temporary ego-state", and makes appearances at times quite frequently but can hide for periods of time. The Witch's darkness is annihilating rage with the message to her children: 'life is war'. 

I have worked very hard over the decades to be a healthy and happy individual, at peace with life, as well as productive and prosperous. Through an open mind and an open heart, I have been successful. I have seen psychiatrists from childhood onward, and I have never received a diagnosis of a psychological disorder (a psychological disorder, also known as a mental disorder, is a pattern of behavioral or psychological symptoms that impact multiple life areas and/or create distress for the person experiencing these symptoms). Although I have not had a formal diagnosis of a disorder, I have had issues to work-out and resolve.

I am very thankful for the wonderful friends that I have had through the decades who would listen for hours on end about MANY whys and questions. They are partly responsible for keeping me grounded and focused.  Besides finding answers through my friends, I have read books like crazy. And when the Internet became more and more of a comprehensive tool, I have used it to connect with others like me and to research even further. Then, I started to blog, which allowed me to take all of this information out of my head and put it somewhere else... AND most importantly, help others like me to sort out all of the jumbled mess that happened in the past and create an understanding of it all. Ultimately, no-contact was the healthiest alternative for not only myself but my child and husband too. 

Part of my being at peace and being able to overcome the effects of a BPD mother is due to the research that I conducted about personality disorders, communicating with others who have experienced mirror situations, support from friends / family, writing down all my history with accompanying analysis, and more. I count on myself for my happiness, peace of mind, and understanding of this world.

The following are the effects of the BPD / NPD dysfunctional toxicity on me, which some are still present (hyperawareness for example) but some have been overcome (insomnia for example): 

Hyperawareness

With the survivors of trauma and abuse, this hyperawareness is a defense mechanism. "A nearly universal characteristic of survivors is excessive emotional hypersensitivity... hyperawareness of body language, moods, and 'the meanings behind the words' is a highly functional defense mechanism" p 166 Evans / Sullivan. In regard to the BPD parent:

• One must be on defense for the next attack, so keeping a vigilant eye on her behavior is vital: She has that look in her eye again; I need to stay away. Her body language is saying she's in a 'witch' mood, I better hide. She is becoming more and more aggressive with her language today; she is probably going to verbally attack me today.  

• Trying to sort-out the confusing and twisted behavior creates a need to collect as much information as possible to try to figure out her behavior (past, present, future). Seemingly, every action or word spoken is another piece of the puzzle.

With these observations of body language, eye contact, verbal communication, many times the child of the BPD questions their own perception of that is transpiring. Is the BPD really that bad? Perhaps the meaning behind the actions / words is being misread? Maybe the BPD doesn't really mean to act or say those things, and maybe I am the one who has the problem? "Children of borderlines may spend their entire lives trying to understand their mother and themselves. They are preoccupied with sorting out the meanings of interactions, studying their own perceptions, and questioning the intentions of others" Lawson p 302

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2012/03/hyperawareness-defense-mechanism-then.html

Fight or Flight

I am generally a calm, cool, and collected person BUT whenever I have a potential confrontation, actual confrontation, or cause of concern related to my parents, my body immediately reacts. I get shaky, I feel sick to my stomach, I get out-of-breath, and my mind runs a million miles an hour. After decades of ...

• wondering when the next blow-up is going to happen or 

• what I am going to be falsely accused of next or 

• what is being fabricated about me now or

• having my parent(s) confront me with the next "we have to sit down an talk" scenario

... my body is sent into a tail-spin when my parents are discussed relative to me. This 'tail-spin' is fight-or-flight which is defined as the set of processes that occur in the body when it is confronted with some form of physical or mental stress. The nervous system signals for adrenaline and other hormones to be released into the blood which prepare the body either to confront or flee (thus, “fight or flight”). Changes in the body include increased heart rate, dilated pupils of the eye (to improve vision), and increased supply of blood to the muscles (to prepare the body for action).

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2012/03/fight-or-flight-with-parental.html

Insomnia

Growing up in an environment with a borderline personality mother and a malignantly narcissistic Dad compounded by a period of simultaneous major-life-stessors (moving, death of grandmother, death of grandfather, parental divorce, parents remarrying), I developed several symptoms of stress. Insomnia was one of the resulting symptoms, which when your sense of safety and trust are shattered, having difficulty falling asleep is a normal reaction to abnormal events.

I can remember the EXACT night that the insomnia started in 1977 when I was 9 years old. Most anxious children do not have a specific event that triggered their anxiety, but some do. Certainly some situations can be anxiety producing, especially those that disrupt the child's sense of structure and order in their world (parental divorce, deaths in the family, trauma, moves) WorryWiseKids.org

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2011/08/childhood-insomnia-resulting-from.html

Mental Scars

A seminal 1992 American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) report defines childhood abuse as "a repeated pattern of damaging interactions between parent(s) [or, presumably, other significant adults] and child that becomes typical of the relationship." In addition to physical, sexual and verbal abuse, this can include anything that causes the child to feel worthless, unlovable, insecure, and even endangered, or as if his only value lies in meeting someone else's needs.

I wasn't left unscarred from my childhood trauma. I have battled insomnia during peak times of childhood trauma. I have battled anxiety throughout my life, waiting for the next bomb to explode in my family. I have sought acceptance and attention from my parents that I will never achieve in receiving. I have searched, researched, dug, and sought understanding of my past, with which my parents have never assisted (my mother is irrational when speaking of the past, and my Dad 'doesn't remember' because he 'doesn't want to', which neither helps when trying to gain peace with the past).

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2010/12/what-is-childhood-trauma.html

Toxic Guilt and Anxiety

Guilt trips are a very powerful tool, and I had a challenge with guilt trips and toxic guilt from my parents for many decades. In addition to the guilt, I started to have symptoms of anxiety starting in the mid-late 1990's. I believe the anxiety is a result from the long-term guilt I was experiencing compounded by the post traumatic stress that I experienced from the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and emotional abuse from my parents' personality disorders.

When you're brought up in an environment where you have been unfairly blamed for the wrongs of others, emotionally abused, or pitted against one parent by the other, the adult child may not have the ability to stop feeling guilty-- this is toxic guilt. Absorbing feelings of guilt, accepting blame, and being passive contribute to the guilty feelings. This early pattern of accepting other's guilt creates difficulty with stopping feelings of guilt about the past.

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/08/childhood-passport-filled-with-toxic.html

Loneliness

Through the years I have felt like something is missing. I felt like I have been searching for something from my mother and Dad-- some sort of answer. And recently I had an epiphany: I don't feel like I belong to a family. I feel like I am an adult orphan. Prior to my parent's separation (You Dropped a Bomb on Me), I felt like I belonged to a family: my Dad, mother, brother, and me. Additionally, I had a deep relationship with my maternal grandparents, which both passed away (1977, 1977). Shortly after the announcement of my parent's separation (1979), that feeling of belonging started to erode away. I haven't been able to put my finger on the feeling until just the other day when I was looking at my daughter and feeling such pure love and joy looking in her eyes-- I belong with her & my husband, she & my husband belong with me, I have family across the country is very loving & supportive- we are a family, and I belong. I haven't had that since I was 11 years old.

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/08/not-feeling-like-i-belong-to-family.html

Shame

As an adult child of two parents with personality disorders, I knew when the abuse was actually going on that some after-effects would be experienced later in life. Although I was able to endure the abuse, I knew I deep-sixed some of the feelings. I remember thanking God for giving me a head on my shoulders to know that the abuse was my parents doing-- that what I was going through was a product of their manufacturing. Even so, I knew that somewhere down the line, feelings or results could emerge. Both my BPD mother and NPD father wielded shame well with their emotional abuse, and I exhibit residual effects from the abuse I endure from my BPD mother and NPD father. 

To read more: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/03/understanding-my-borderline-mother.html

If you are an adult child of a BPD mother, what are some of the effects you have experienced? What have done to over-come these effects? 

Fight or Flight with Parental Confrontation and Contact

Whew. I am generally a calm, cool, and collected person BUT whenever I have a potential confrontation, actual confrontation, or cause of concern related to my parents, my body immediately reacts. I get shaky, I feel sick to my stomach, I get out-of-breath, and my mind runs a million miles an hour. After decades of ...

• wondering when the next blow-up is going to happen or 
• what I am going to be falsely accused of next or 
• what is being fabricated about me now or
• having my parent(s) confront me with the next "we have to sit down an talk" scenario

... my body is sent into a tail-spin when my parents are discussed relative to me. This 'tail-spin' is fight-or-flight which is defined as the set of processes that occur in the body when it is confronted with some form of physical or mental stress. The nervous system signals for adrenaline and other hormones to be released into the blood which prepare the body either to confront or flee (thus, “fight or flight”). Changes in the body include increased heart rate, dilated pupils of the eye (to improve vision), and increased supply of blood to the muscles (to prepare the body for action).

I can carry on with life for a year (or more) without any situation causing fight-or-flight.  Even as time has passed and even though I am at peace with my past, present, and future, whenever I get a phone call or email from a family member or friend regarding my parents relative to me, my body reacts. With daily life, I am not stressed. I don't have anxiety. I don't panic about situations. I am a very confident, happy, level headed individual. Then, without warning, one of those calls / emails occurs, and I am shaky and nauseated. 

Why would my body react in such a way? In short, my body has been conditioned to respond to this specific stimuli due to lack confidence, trust, and unconditional love from my parent. Note that:

• If one has confidence in a relationship, fight-or-flight would not occur with confrontation or contact.
• A relationship based on trust and unconditional love would not elicit the reactions of fight-or-flight when a confrontation arises. 

So, when a relationship is abused by years dysfunction, toxicity, carelessness, and selfishness, trust in the relationship is damaged. Respectively, lack of confidence in the relationship is a result and the  reaction to confrontation is fight-or-flight. Trust is directly correlated with confidence, and when confidence is broken, confrontations and simple contacts are interpreted by the body as immediate danger.

I have had one too many shocking situations with my parents that body's natural reaction to their contacts is fight-or-flight. I don't trust their intentions or even each of them as individuals. Additionally, I don't have confidence that their intentions are unconditional or unselfish. Due to the erosion of this confidence and trust, my body immediately jumps to fight-or-flight with confrontations and simple contacts. For me, the fight-or-flight response resulted from:

• Years of 'deep sixing' what I witnessed and experienced as a child
• Years of emotional and verbal abuse including Parental Alienation Syndrome
• Decades of situations blowing-up in my face at the hands of my parent(s)
• Decades of stepping on land mines and going through traumatic situations with my parent(s)
• Decades of walking on eggshells and trying to keep peace with my parents(s)

What's interesting is my MIND (psychological) knows that everything is fine-- that I am safe, my child is safe, my husband is safe. I KNOW that nothing horrible is going to happen to us. However, my BODY (behavior) is set off, like an alarm, and automatically sends adrenaline surging. Our body cannot always tell the difference between real and imagined threat. Therefore, when we interpret a situation as threatening, our body responds as though the situation is dangerous even if it really isn't in reality. Once my body calms down, I have a chuckle as I realize how my body just takes off without me as a result of all I've endured in the past. My body interprets my parents as an immediate danger.

 Does anyone else have this response? How do you cope when these situations arise?

I don't experience this heightened response often, so training myself to not react is challenging. I practice the following in order to eliminate / reduce the fight-or-flight response:

1. Practicing visualization and having my body not react stress-fully to these random contacts about my parent(s)
2. Talking out the scenarios with my husband.
3. Manipulating my breathing by changing the rate at which I breathe, whether I breathe shallowly or deeply, and whether I breathe through my mouth or nose. By manipulating how I breathe, it is possible to slow down and even reverse the fight-or-flight response.
4. Controlling the level of tension in my muscles. For example, by creating a fist, make the muscles in my arms tighter. What is more difficult, but not impossible, is to make my muscles more relaxed. With practice, I relax not only the muscles in my arms, but muscles in my shoulders, back, jaw, face, and other areas. 

Is Spanking or Whipping Child Abuse?

With the recent flurry of media attention from the video gone viral by the daughter (Hillary Adams) of a Texas court judge (Judge William Adams), a lot of discussion has been taking place about whether the judge went above and beyond simple discipline of his child. For those of you who haven't seen the video, you can watch it here: Texas Judge Whips Daughter 

When I watched this video, I was out of breath with sweating palms and shaking hands. My heart was racing. I cannot believe that these parents treated their precious child with so much anger and venom. With all of the vulgarities and insults, this was not only an example of physical abuse but verbal abuse.

The parents' approach was not in a loving manner but in a controlling, angry, and out of control manner. The abuse seemed to never end. The father kept coming back for more-- and then the mother came into the room saying that the girl should take it like a woman. What a poor statement on the mother's behalf. And then the mother took the belt and whipped the girl one time- otherwise known as 'kicking the dog while its down'.

Anyway, this is FAR from a spanking. The judge was beating her on the front, back, sides, where-ever. And he kept coming back for more, yelling profanities the entire time:

• "I'll spank your f___ing face" "
• Get on your f___ing stomach" "
• Get on your G_d d__n stomach" 
• "I'll beat you into submission" 
• "You don't deserve to be in this f___ing house" 
• "I should just keep beating you and beating you, that's how upset I am" 
• "If you raise your f___ing voice one little bit to me or your mother ... or  look at me f__ing wrong I will wear your f___ing a__ out with this belt." 
• "You caused this with your dis-f__ing-obidence" 

My word! This is verbal abuse and so disheartening. Why are these parents (more so her father) talking so vulgarly to their daughter? Would they want her talking to them that way? What type of leadership are they illustrating to her? 

In regard to discipline, I have several points: 

1. The child should be spoken to in a calm and collect manner. 
2. The child should be told what he / she did incorrectly and what he / she should have done instead. 
3. The child should be allowed to express why he / she did what he / she did. 
4. The discipline that follows should be progressive. For the first incidence, the repercussion is _____  (time out, restriction, removal of item). For the second incidence, the repercussion should be more harsh (longer time out, longer restriction, longer period of removal of item). The third incidence (three strikes you're out) should be long term or permanent loss of privilege.
5. The discipline should be administered in a controlled and loving manner. If a parent is angry, the parent should walk away, take a breather, and then continue to address the incident. 
6. The discipline should never be the parent taking their frustrations out on their child. 
7. The child should know that he / she is loved and thus in a safe and secure environment-- not with a parent that is out-of-control. If the parent is out-of-control, trust is lost between parent and child; therefore, discipline is less effective.
8. The parent should lead by example. If the parent has a tantrum (like this judge in the video), what is the child learning? 

In this video, the girl apparently: (1) didn't use the computer strictly for school as instructed and (2) downloaded items that should have been downloaded from a pay-site. If the judge wanted to use a controlled spanking after he spoke with her about the two infractions, she should have known ahead of time that the repercussion is ________ number of spankings for each infraction. The discipline would have been calmly executed. After the spankings, the father should have lovingly spoken to her about what to correctly do next time-- reiterating that the computer is just used for school and no downloading of any kind. If this was the 2nd or 3rd infraction, progressive discipline should be administered.

I feel the more effective discipline, however, is restriction from use of computer as well as going online to pay for the downloads legally. Since she is 16 y/o and able to reason and discuss what is acceptable behavior as well as what is legal use of the Internet, talking to her in depth about these issues is valuable not only short-term but long-term. What did she learn about legally downloading items online by getting whipped and hearing profanities screamed at her? Additionally, having her research digital piracy, penalties for digital piracy, and other legal aspects of online usage related to her infraction would be greatly beneficial.

Another point is that the discipline should have a clear beginning and a clear ending. This judge did not have a clear ending with the whipping discipline. Therefore, in the case of a spanking, the beginning should take place after the initial talk about what she did incorrectly. The spanking then should take place with a countdown. Once the spanking is finished, a discussion of what needs to be improved should follow. This would conclude the discipline session. In the case of time outs or restrictions, again, there is a talk prior to the discipline. Thereafter, the time out or restriction follows. Once the time out or restriction ends, a follow-up discussion takes place regarding future expectations. 

The definition of physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.. This judge is illustrating abusive behavior due as he is clearly intimidating her by cowering over her, whipping her front / back / sides, picking her up off of the floor by the arm and pulling her back onto the bed, getting into her face, and more. He also intended to cause injury as he was using a belt (the biggest one he could find as he stated at the beginning), whipped her all over her front even when she wouldn't turn around for her bottom to be spanked, and kept beating her even after her cries for him to stop. He also caused physical suffering by continually coming back into the room for more as well as continuing to beat her when she refused to flip over onto her stomach.

He does not appear to want to improve her behavior but take out his rage on her, verbally and physically. Whipping her up and down the front of her body-- as well as chasing her around her bed-- is not teaching her anything about what she did wrong or how to correct it. What his behavior is simply doing is teaching her not to respect him. And with parenting, respect is of utmost importance. 

The mother is culpable as well. She did nothing to stop the father from taking out his temper tantrum on the daughter. She actually aided and abetted, adding in commentary to further wound the child mentally. The father shows that he is a control freak, and the mother further solidifies this stance by demanding the girl to be a submissive woman. My heart cried out to see a mother take this position-- and to compound the incident worse by taking the belt and whipping her daughter one time. That whipping was almost like kicking the dog one more time 'just because'... kicking the dog when it's down. Very sad state of affairs. I feel for this adult child of this abusive man (and mother-- who didn't have the courage, care, or insight to stop her raging husband). 

Bottom-line, we should love our children, lead by example, and solve issues with careful and controlled discipline. We are bestowed the greatest responsibility in the world, and we should take that responsibility and treat it with respect. We are the parents, and we should lead the way to a happy, secure, loving world. Flying of the handle uncontrollably and treating your child with such venom is not a way that child learn effectively. In fact, that type of treatment wounds the child, damages their sense of self, and hurts the child to the core. 

So is spanking or whipping a form of child abuse? If the spanking is used in a manner that is loving and respectful, then for SOME children, this MAY be an acceptable and productive way to discipline. Spanking is legal. But is spanking the right thing to do? There is a FINE LINE between spanking and physically abusing. Remember: physical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm. Spanking in any case would be intimidating to a child, cause injury by bruising, and cause physical suffering by the mere act itself.

I have worked with children in all sorts of capacities, and I have always had to use discipline procedures that involve time outs and restrictions. I have never been able to use spankings- nor would I. I cannot imagine spanking, physically striking, or whipping a child.... period. And with all of the decades of dealing with children, I have been successful with children of all types using time outs and restrictions. The main key is consistency and progressive. I have had no problem getting compliance from large groups of kids by communicating expectations, having consistent repercussions for misbehavior, and follow-up with areas to improve. 

We tell our kids to keep their hands to themselves, not to hit, and to be nice. Shouldn't parents do the same? And if the school systems, day-cares, and other child care organizations don't spank, why is spanking alright for the parent to do? I say, let's treat our children with love-- as much love as possible. And let's give them the attention they need-- namely positive attention that let's them know we see what they're doing and care. And I believe you will get the best out of each and every one of them. As far as this judge, I pray he doesn't get re-elected. He presides over child abuse / custody cases and doesn't illustrate clear judgment about these topics as illustrated by this damaging video.

The Silent Treatment by Borderline Mothers

The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which contempt, disapproval and displeasure are displayed through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence. Additionally, the silent treatment is the cold shoulder, complete silence, distance, feigned apathy, and being ignoring. The goal of the  punishment is to make the victim feel unimportant, not valued, and not cared about. As a form of non-physical punishment and control, the abuser believes if she doesn't physically harm then she is not an abuser; however, the silent treatment IS emotional abuse. The silent treatment is a form of erasing someone from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation.

The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother may rage when angry, but many times she may use silent treatments. The BPD mother uses the silent treatment to torture the child(ren) that she professes to love.  The silent treatment is a very narcissistic example of the lack of emotional regulation of the BPD. The silent treatment is control, and a safe means for them to avoid any  'uncomfortable' topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within herself; therefore, the silence is an abdication of personal responsibility. 

Kimberly Roth, the author of Surviving a Borderline Parent, encountered many children of borderline parents who said they felt crazy growing up. "They experienced a lot of inconsistencies—an action or statement that earned praise one day would touch off a three-day, stony silent treatment the next—as well as sudden outbursts and overreactions." So they never learn to trust their own judgment or feelings. The most important element to recovery, she says, is to accept that you're not crazy and that "it wasn't me."

Throughout my life, my BPD mother has used the silent treatment as well as other ways of ignoring me as a way of 'punishing' me. Starting as a small child, she would lock herself in her room for up to days at a time. She would not speak to my brother and me unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully we had my Dad with which to communicate and to care for us. She continued this pattern into my adulthood-- with the worst episodes when I lived with her as a teenager. The pain and shame and feeling of isolation was overwhelming. I tried to reach out to others during this highly emotionally abusive time (my step-father, my friend, my friend's mother) but was only subjected to my mother's retaliation.

As a teenager, I was banished to the basement for 90 days, only allowed to leave to perform house and yard work. During this time, my mother wouldn't speak to me. I was completely ignored and isolated as I wasn't allowed to use the phone. I tried to appeal to my step-father's common sense, but in the midst of telling my point-of-view, my mother arrived in the basement and told him not to speak to me. She called me a bitch, and they both left. So, not only did I not have her speaking to me, but she prohibited my step-father from speaking to me as well as my ability to talk on the phone to others.  

She also used notes to communicate during these silent treatment times. She wouldn't talk to me for a long period of time. Then she would start leaving notes for me around the house. Each note would get further and further off-base from the issue-- very bizarre writings. The notes would truly make me sick to my stomach as her illness was clearly apparent in these surreal and bizarre writings. Those outbursts and over-reactions that Roth referred to above were very apparent in these notes. More about this period of time: Run Forrest Run

When I went off to college, she became enraged because I didn't come home one weekend to see her. I tried to talk to her about the situation but she repeatedly hung-up on me. Instead, she used letter writing to communicate. She wouldn't talk to me on the phone (silent treatment), but she would send letter after letter-- each letter getting further and further from the truth and the issue.  She eventually wrote that she didn't want me home for Thanksgiving ... then Christmas... and then ultimately she put my possessions on the street. I never responded to the letters; however, the letters got so upsetting to my then boyfriend that he confronted her about her fabricated and distorted views. More about this period of time: Out of the Nest

By the time the information technology age arrived, her methods shifted from letter writing to emails. She wouldn't call me or my then fiance (now husband) back on the phone (silent treatment) but she would fire off a series of emails to anyone that she had an email address. Her lack of emotional regulation was very apparent as she fired off inappropriate and delusional emails to my work colleagues, collegiate colleagues, future in-laws, friends, and more. More about this period of time: Little Women 

Regardless if she gave me the silent treatment, left notes laying around the house, mailed me letters, or sent me emails, my mother has been incapable of honestly and openly discussing the issues at hand. The issues root to her fear of abandonment and rejection as well as her hypersensitivity to the topic of my Dad, her divorce from my Dad, and those she feels have hurt her. She has chosen time and time again to alienate herself from those around her by estranging herself from her daughter (me), her son, her sister, her father, and countless others. Rather than working through challenges, she claims the victim stance and retreats. And with the retreating, she comes ruthless with her words on paper.  

So, my mother's silent treatment was not merely the absence of speaking. She added the element of note writing, letter writing, and sending emails as a form of control. With these methods she was able to refuse to communicate until she was ready to stop punishing-- and then she was able to one-sidely present her compoundingly and exponentially distorted, convoluted, and fabricated point of view. She was vicious with her words-- and still is as my brother is still in communication with her and received some very scathing and ruthless emails and texts from her. When she disagrees with him, she will not speak to him on the phone, but she will send him texts with harsh profanity (telling him to "f*&k off" repeatedly for example) and telling him how horrible he is.

Her silent treatment has always made me feel not valued by her... unimportant to her ... and easily discarded. The fact that she can stop communicating with me so quickly and flip to denigrating me is amazing and tragic. She sings my praises for years to completely change her tune in a matter of seconds-- her over-reaction leading to estrangement, the ultimate form of silent treatment. And her outbursts switch from notes / letters / emails TO me ... to notes / letters / emails ABOUT me. My mother, with her silent treatments and estrangements, has left no ability to have closure-- ever-- with any of our issues through the years. Even after a silent treatment or estrangement ended, nothing that transpired ever was discussed.

For those of you suffering from the silent treatment, please do not internalize the abuse. Remember that the silent treatment is passive aggressive and by no means resolves any of the extenuating issues. Remember also that you are worthy of being recognized, acknowledged, respected, and dignified with a response. And remember that you are not crazy ... and that it's not you.

Gaslighting and Campaigns of Denigration | The Borderline Mother

Gaslighting is the denial that certain events occurred or that certain things were said when you know differently and the denial of your perceptions, memory and very sanity. Gaslighting is one of the most sinister, sadistic, horrible, and effective forms of emotional and psychological abuse. Gaslighting can make the victim feel as if she's going crazy. If perceptions of reality are constantly denied, and above all denied by your mother (the person you admire the most and think is omniscient), the result is very confusing and destructive. 

So how did the term gaslighting come to fruition? The phrase comes from the 1940's film "Gaslight", in which an abusive husband dims the gaslights in the house. Then, when his wife questions if the lights have been dimmed, he responds that she's imagining the dimming. The husband is driving the wife crazy, literally, by not validating the wife's reality. 

The dimming gaslight is the perfect metaphor for the experience of living with someone with BPD. They may appear completely 'normal' and may often have the ability to act “as if” he or she has no problems. In fact, many people with BPD become professional actors. The “as if” ability of people with BPD can be particularly devastating to those who love them.(from Grief to Advocacy: A Mother’s Odyssey)

The gaslighting mother will construct fantasies of your emotional pathologies:

1. Making you look crazy: She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about or that she has no idea what you’re talking about. She doesn't remember significant events, flatly denies happenings, and won't admit perhaps she may have forgotten. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up losing confidence in your intuition, memory, or reasoning powers.
2. Preserving Perception of Self: Gaslighting can be inflicted to preserve the BPD mother's narcissistic view of herself as 'perfect'. BPD's gaslight routinely by insinuating or directly stating that you are unstable (or else you wouldn't think so preposterously). You may be told you are over-sensitive, imagining, unreasonable, irrational, and over-reacting.
3. Denying Your Right to Be Upset: Another form of gaslighting is the denial of your right to be upset. In this case the BPD might accept that the situation happened but invalidates you by fervently denying that there was anything problematic about it or any valid reason to get upset. 

Ultimately, she’ll present her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood.  She protests that she didn't do anything and has no idea why you’re so irrationally angry with her. She protests that you’ve hurt her terribly but loves you very much. She claims she would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn’t know what to do. She'll tell others that you keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.

What's the result? She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious hostility towards her, implied that it’s something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners.

She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.  

The following are 15 common symptoms of gaslighting abuse and manipulation:

1. Constantly second-guessing yourself.
2. Wondering, “Am I being too sensitive?” more than ten times a day
3. Frequently wondering if you are a “good enough” girlfriend / wife / employee / friend / daughter.
4. Having trouble making simple decisions.
5. Thinking twice before bringing up innocent topics of conversation.
6. Frequently making excuses for the BPD's behavior to friends and family.
7. Before the BPD comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong.
8. Thinking about what the BPD would like instead of what would make you feel great.
9. Actually starting to enjoy the constant criticism, because you think, “What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.”
10. Starting to speak to the BPD through someone else so you don’t have to tell him / her things you’re afraid might upset  him / her.
11. Starting to lie to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
12. Feeling as though you can’t do anything right.
13. Frequently wondering if you’re good enough for the BPD.
14. Your kids start trying to protect you from being humiliated by your BPD partner.
15. You feel hopeless and joyless.

The outcome from this blog and researching 'gaslighting' presented a very interesting result. My Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Dad adeptly used gaslighting through my childhood and into my adulthood. When I went through the 15 point checklist above, I could really see the damage that he was inflicting. We are now estranged as I couldn't handle the way that he was treating my child, my husband, and me. However, this exercise made his emotional abuse even more clear to me. 

I second-guessed myself constantly, analyzing interactions with my Dad to the tiniest details. I also always felt as if I was too sensitive to our interactions... as I always left feeling rejected, dejected, and ignored. Because I was always pushed aside by him for my step-sister, I wondered what draws him to her (or away from me). I know that his wife (my step-mother) has incredible power over him that he intentionally ignores me and pays more attention to my step-sister BUT the reality still stings. I have been careful of bringing up simple conversations-- and even if I carefully asked him about the past or incidents from childhood, he would respond curtly, "I don't remember because I CHOSE not to remember." I never got to the the point that the 15 point checklist illustrates (feeling hopeless, joyless, etc) as I removed myself from the situation.... but I can certainly see the damage that my Dad could cause (and has caused with my brother). 

If you realize that the BPD in your life is engaging in gaslighting against you, this is often a good clue that she is running a distortion campaign of denigration against you (another form of covert abuse). In regard to my BPD mother, this is the case. After all, if they have you confused about your own experiences, they will likely have a much easier time misleading others to believe inaccurate negative misinformation about you.

The BPD's intent is to destroy the target’s reputation and thereby destroy the target’s relationships with family and friends, employers, co-workers, and others. As with so many things involving BPD's and their typical inability to understand or respect boundaries (so descriptive of my mother!), no limits exist. The BPD uses any method to cause damage to their target: denigration, endless disparaging remarks, fabrication, false accusations, and even teaching others to lie on their behalf as part of their vilification campaign:

1. For instance, when I was a teenager going off to college, she got upset at me for coming into town and not contacting her. Her response was to tell me to not come home the following weekend. Shortly thereafter, she told me not to come home for Thanksgiving... and then not to come home for Christmas. Shortly after these statements, she put all of my belongings on the street. From there she started to spread rumors and blow the entire event out of proportion-- none of which had anything to do with the initial disagreement (that she was hurt when I came into town and didn't contact her). We remained estranged for almost 5 years.  
2. Another instance was when I received a box of dishes from my Dad which my mother perceived as a betrayal to her (I had no idea I was getting these dishes from my Dad who I wasn't in contact with at the time). She went from being upset saying that she can't believe I would accept the dishes after all that my Dad put her through with the divorce (17 years earlier) to the next day she told me I was a bitch and hung up the phone on me. From there the increasingly hurtful and untrue rumors started again which had nothing to do with my Dad sending me dishes. We remained estranged for almost 5 years.
3. Another incident, which led to the last estrangement was my engagement to my fiance. She pressed me for information regarding my wedding, which I had no plans. Ultimately, I told her we would have two ceremonies with which she didn't approve and declared she was out of the wedding. She proceeded with a campaign of denigration against me, saying increasingly horrible things to my friends, colleagues, and future in-laws which had nothing to do with the initial conflict between my mother and me (that she didn't agree with the consideration of having 2 ceremonies). We remain estranged.

With my mother, to preserve her view as a 'perfect mother' she would push me away-- in estrangement-- then make up narratives about me to support how she is the perfect mother, the loving & concerned mother, and how I ripped her heart out.

In summary, gaslighting and campaigns of denigration are covert forms of emotional abuse. One results in the victims doubting their perceptions of reality, and the other turns people against the victim. When perceptions of reality are doubted, the gaslighter is able to control the victim as the victim becomes completely dependent on the gaslighter 'for the "truth'.  And campaigns of denigration can destroy the victim's life and damage people around the BPD. If you think you are the victim of gaslighting or campaigns of denigration, please seek professional assistance.