Estranged from Mother on Mother's Day

I was googling 'estranged from mother on Mother's Day' to see what folks had to say about this topic, and I stumbled upon this poem that was posted on Grieving Mother's Day


My mother taught me
More than the teachers ever did.

My mother loved me
More than all my lovers ever could.

My mother showed me
How to be happy all the time.

And my mother
Taught me about Jesus.

What is ironic about this piece is that not one aspect of this poem applies to the mother I have. The only part that could possibly apply to my mother is the first two lines as she placed a lot of credence on education and she did work with me closely as a young child (preschool and younger) so that I excelled entering into the school system in kindergarten.

Otherwise, if she loves me more than all my lovers could, she didn't and doesn't show it. She bashes me to those who will listen. She lies about me when she can. She manipulates facts about me and twists the truth. She paints me in the worst light possible and spreads horrible stories about me. She tries to recruit my friends, husband's family, and my colleagues into her bashing by instigating email campaigns against me. These actions are NOT in any sense indicative of a person who loves you-- much less a mother who has unconditional love for her child. She has behaved like this since I was a child. At least now, I am removed from the abuse.

My mother DEFINITELY did not show me 'how to be happy all the time'. I DID... it's actually part of my nature. My mother has been a negative, glass half empty, and unhappy person since I was first cognizant of her personality. She was frequently heard saying, "Life's a bitch and then you die" and "If it's not one thing, it's another"... and she was rarely happy-go-lucky and carefree. Everything is an effort. Everything is a big-deal. Everything is a pain in the rear for her. I remember thinking how she could take even the most wonderful and magical thing like a trip to Disney World and make it miserable for herself. I knew I didn't think that way, and I never wanted to be like her-- since I was a young, young girl.

Last, my mother completely did NOT 'teach me about Jesus'. She said that she had religion forced on her so she decided to allow my brother and me to discover and decide about religion on our own-- POOR decision in my experience and opinion. She didn't guide us, lead us, or teach us in any way, shape, or form about religion. The closest thing we got to religion was attending kindergarten at the Presbyterian church up the street. I recall my brother asking what the place was, and my mother answering that we were in God's house. And then my brother asked to meet him. My mother said that he wasn't home at that time. I also wondered what the books where on the back of all the chairs but didn't dare to ask in fear of sounding stupid (I was around 5 years of age).

On this Mother's Day, I will focus on the wonderful, nurturing, and happy women in my life on Mother's Day. The women that taught me about life, loved me fully & deeply, and showed me sheer happiness. Whether my aunt, sister in law, friends, or colleagues, the women are honored in my eyes for all they do for their children and all they contribute to the world. I have so many women in my life to be grateful about that my negative and confusing mother is not a second thought.

Additionally, I focus immensely on my daughter... this little magical being in my life that made me a mother, the one who makes my life a heartwarming and endearing life to live, and the one who fills my heart with so much happiness I could burst. She is the light of my life and gives me SO MUCH to be thankful about.

Borderline Personality Disorder | When Mom's an Emotional Terrorist

The following is a piece I just stumbled upon and found it so poignant, I thought I had to share it. My commentary is in blue throughout the piece:

Mother's Day and Borderline Personality Disorder: When Mom's an Emotional Terrorist

Terrorism had a face on September 11, 2001. It is also known as "9/11". The despicable act knows no boundaries. It is one-sided. It is disguised on its omnipotent goals. It is devoid of empathy and awareness of human feelings. It uses threats and suicide as its weapons. It is spurred by feelings of vindictiveness and vengefulness. For the terrorists, their actions are legitimate, justifiable and a response to an injustice. The terrorists become obsessed with a self-serving plan based on their distorted reality.

My commentary: the beginning segment's definition of terrorism so closely correlates with the definition of BPD it's incredible. Even though my mother and I have been estranged for 5 years now, she is still exhibiting no boundaries, is one sided, is devoid of empathy, and has taken actions that are completely self-serving based on her distorted reality. For example:

• She is fostering a relationship with my half-sister who is the daughter of my mother's 1st of 3 husbands- the husband she divorced in 1968- under the guise of bashing me.
  
• She promised to financially help my brother who is in dire straits after being estranged from him for ten years but then backing down and blaming it on my step-father.
  
• She struck up a relationship with one of my professional colleagues and communicating a mess of hog-wash to her.

The Emotional Terrorist Defined

Hollywood film makers portrayed the Emotional terrorist character in many of its movies including "Mommie Dearest, Body Heat, Fatal Attraction, Sophie's Choice, Single White Female, Basic Instinct, Black Widow, and All About Eve".

History gave us Hitler and Osama Bin Laden as terrorist epitomes.

Erin Pizzy, referring to her work with women, explained the working definition of an emotional terrorist in the article "Working with Violent Women". An emotional terrorist seeks to achieve a destructive goal to her family member and carry out actions without boundaries. These violent-prone actions are seen as legitimate grievances. The real or imagined legitimacy turns into an obsession.

My commentary: interesting statement about seeking "to achieve a destructive goal to her family member and carry out actions without boundaries". My mother has exhibited this time & time again with my family-- almost systematically going after members of the family methodically, all with the guise that she is the victim. Additionally, she is very pushy-- without boundaries-- and when one reacts to her intrusive behavior, she retreats as if she's been personally attacked or rejected. And although she's the one that retreats, she tells everyone that she's been abandoned. Plainly, her behavior is very detrimental by outright lashing out & attacking as well as intensely pushing herself on others-- leaving a path of destruction in her wake.

The emotional terrorist has "unresolved tendencies from a problematic childhood'. The powerful, overwhelming outrage is a mirror to their childhood's painful memories. Thinking of themselves as victims, the emotional terrorist recreates their violent-prone past into their relationships. The emotional terrorist recognizes only her pain and thus becomes insensitive to the feelings of other family members.

The above definition puts a face to many personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPDCentral.com indicated that mental health resources showed 75% of those with BPD are women. The undetected statistics of men fall under the category of narcissism.

Mother's Day for Children of Borderlines

Many children of borderlines dread Mother's Day. The thought of having their mother feel special, important and loved makes them sick. They sift through Mother's Day cards in a store. They look for a card with nothing mushy written on it. Sometimes, a plain "Happy Mother's Day" print is what they would pick. They knew that their mother's response will always be "What do I have to be happy about?" Greeting card companies should start making plain cards for a specific market niche for children with emotional terrorist moms.

My commentary: the statement, "The thought of having their mother feel special, important and loved makes them sick" is intensely true for me. I have felt this-- I so wanted a loving relationship with my mother when I was younger. Once I became a young adult and she continually lashed out in inappropriate, vicious, and confusing ways, I was sickened by her actions and certainly sickened to honor her in a sentimental and touching fashion. The feeling of betraying myself, the one that she's treated so carelessly and flippantly through the years, makes me sickened more than anything. Additionally, the story of the girl that gets her heart ripped out is so reminiscent of myself with my mother-- the continual disappointment, the walking on eggshells, the agony of not being able to do anything right, and the GUILT.

On another note, on times when I have been sentimental with her, I have been met with rejection. For example:

• As a child holding her hand in the movie theater, she pulled her hand away asking me what I was doing.
• When telling her that I love her, she responds with, "Saying I love you should only be spoken if you REALLY mean it and shouldn't be said all the time". After that saying I love you was few and far between.
• If ever I wanted a hug or kiss I would have to go to her... but I was always left with an empty feeling and one-sided .
  

Many daughters have managed to stop sending cards to their borderline mothers. Instead, they pick up the phone to call them with a simple greeting "Hi. How are you?"

Many children of an emotional terrorist feel confused when greeting their mother on Mother's Day. They notice their mother getting sweet and superficially thankful while obviously becoming uncomfortable. It occurs to them that Emotional terrorists like to behave like normal mothers. They know the stereotypical mother from watching them on TV. But, their expressions seem artificial and phony. The truth is they do not enjoy motherhood.

A real-life Mother's Day incident occurred with a borderline mother with 6 children. The children gave an array of gifts to their Borderline mother in bed early in the morning. A bouquet of flowers, personalized cards, hand-crafted gifts, coffee and breakfast in bed were offered by the family. The borderline mother, stunned by the surprise, gave an emotionless "Thank you but now look at the crumbs on my bed. The coffee is not even hot. Do you really know what I have to go through to raise awful kids like you? No one ever helps me around the house. I am like a glorified maid." Then, she bursts into tears of how her hard work as a mother is only appreciated on special occasions. She expects them on a daily basis. She draws out a list from her memory of how the children have ripped her heart out. The list amazingly covered a span of several years. Later that day, she drove the children to her in-laws telling the kids she deserves time by herself on Mother's Day.

Flowers, cards, gifts and calls you give a borderline mother are never good enough. The common statement after giving it to them is "Thank you but..." Some have sent Mother's Day cards to their borderline mothers only to receive photocopies of their own cards a few years down the road. Borderlines must constantly accumulate evidences of their good parenting skills.

The over-sentimental fanfares on Mother's Day elicit anger feelings from children of borderlines. As they struggle to keep their head above the water, their borderline mother throws a boulder to keep them beneath the water. Every child of a Borderline has this fantasy of sitting down their mother and telling her "Look here. This is what you have done. Look at me. I am broken because of you." The children of Borderlines have no voice.

My commentary: SO TRUE: "Every child of a Borderline has this fantasy of sitting down their mother and telling her, 'Look here. This is what you have done. Look at me. I am broken because of you.' The children of Borderlines have no voice." The only voice I have with my mother is silence and estrangement. She tends to misconstrue, manipulate, and hear what she wants to hear when I have tried to communicate-- and she doesn't allow my feelings to be felt or expressed (ie: what happened during my childhood, what happened during my parents' nasty divorce, what occurred to spur off our previous estrangements). I am not allowed my viewpoints of my childhood, she reiterates over & over about what a wonderful childhood I had, and she thinks that childhood has no bearing on who you are or how you function as an adult. In other words, communication has been a dead-end with her.

Even if I told her 'Look here. This is what you have done. Look at me. I am broken because of you' she would say I am making that up, that I am wrong, and that I am exaggerating. Saying nothing and being estranged is the healthiest option all the way around; however, if she could REALLY understand and see what she's done, I would LOVE to say my peace with her. But that's not going to happen-- she is not based in reality, as, like this piece says, "For the terrorists, their actions are legitimate, justifiable and a response to an injustice".

Conclusion

On Mother's Day, we are programmed to celebrate and appreciate motherhood. Many grown daughters and sons of Borderline mothers have opted for closure, limited or no contact. They live at arms length from their emotional terrorist mothers. Otherwise, Mother's Day is another episode of the endless drama. The drama includes the Borderline mother fighting with their Dad all the time, wailing hysterically, door banging and things breaking.

A facade of normalcy is displayed to the outside world. But in reality, these children live in self-contained prison camps. While a traditional greeting card will say "My mother , you are a guiding light" for children of borderlines their mother is like a "guard tower spot light in a prison". You cannot escape.

The beautiful personifications of motherhood for children of borderlines are imagined. The sad reality is children have no legal rights for even the Department of Social Services (DSS) will take no action until there is broken skin. The judges of the family courts continue to give visitation rights for the law must protect the parental rights of mothers. What about the broken spirits and shattered dreams of the victims?

Mother's Day seems to be a life sentence for children of Borderline mothers until they find a way to navigate to the spiritual side of their sufferings.

My commentary: "Mother's Day seems to be a life sentence for children of Borderline mothers until they find a way to navigate to the spiritual side of their sufferings"... and this is so true. Validation, self acceptance, and freedom from guilt are necessary. Getting away (and STAYING AWAY) from the threat of the terrorist and her weapons is vital. Terrorists don't change...

Sources

• Erin Pizzy, "Working with Violent Women", BatteredMen.com
• "Film and Fiction with Borderline Characters", BPDResources.com
• "A Tribute to Motherhood", www.DomesticChurch.us
• Ginny Moyer, "Strong Role Model or Impossible Standard?", Bustedhalo.com
• "Coping with Parents with BPD", BPDcentral.com