Should You Save Your Relationship with Your Unloving Mother?

I reviewed Peg Streep's book, "Mean Mothers, Overcoming a Legacy of Hurt" (click here to read) as well as discussed some of her points in the blog entry: Divorcing Your Mean Mother.  

In the book, one of the most powerful moments is when Streep gets the call from her brother that her estranged mother is dying (page 31), the comment from him that he thought she might want to come see her, and the decision Streep makes. I was on the edge of my seat, wondering what decision Streep would make. Ultimately, Streep's decision and her feelings about her decision mirror what I have concluded to do. Powerful passages that, as Streep says, "testifies to what can happen when a mother can't love her daughter in the way she needs to be loved" (page 33). Overall, the book was powerful, validating, and profoundly meaningful-- and highly recommended.

Now she's published an outstanding article in Psychology Today that is just too good not to share. This article hits the nail on the head multiple times and gave me 'ah ha' moments more than once. The quotation that truly connected with me is, “When a parent lies, sabotages, manipulates, and treats her own child with hate there is no way a ‘relationship’ can be salvaged! I went no contact to save myself. Why would I go back like I did one hundred times, hoping things would improve just to get hurt worse, to question my self-worth, and to believe, once again, that there was something wrong with me.” Wow. Bam. That is it. 

Hopefully, this article will hit home with you, too, if you are battling through hard choices pertaining to your unloving and narcissistic mother: Can You Salvage Your Relationship With Mom? Should You?

UPDATE | Still No Contact and Life is Good

Hello everyone! I get so many emails daily from readers asking if I am doing well and if I am still active with this blog. Yes, I am still here; however, due to time restraints, I haven't written a new blog entry in quite some time. I appreciate the emails, however, and value each one. 

So, this post is simply a check-in to let everyone know that after 12 years, I still haven't had any contact with my mother, and after 8 years, I haven't had contact with my Dad. Neither has reached out to me, and I have not reached out to them ... and my life has been very peaceful and drama-free. 

My child is now 9 years old. She has asked about my mother and Dad, and I have told her in generalities what happened during my childhood to present. I try to keep the information factual, simple, and matter-of-fact. I don't lay blame, but rather simply relate what happened. She is very supportive and understanding. 

When she was younger, I was concerned that if she knew about happened between my parents and me that she would assume that was the 'norm'. I am glad that the questions didn't start until she was older so she had lots of experience with healthy family dynamics. She understands that what happened between my parents and me (as well as my brother) was / is not normal and that no contact was / is necessary. 

My child and I have also spoken about how my brother, who was raised with the same parents in the same situation, had a totally different outcome in his life than me-- illustrating that your life is what you make of it rather than what happens to you. I chose to work hard, prosper, and muster on despite the poor circumstances; whereas, he chose to use the poor circumstances as an excuse for laziness, lack of motivation, and not trying. My child sees these differences and realizes that while my brother and I both had troubled childhoods and abusive parents, life is what you make of it. 

So, do I have any regrets regarding no contact with my parents at this point? Absolutely not. Life has been amazingly peaceful: manipulation free and non-toxic. I have closure and have moved forward. My husband is not subjected to the drama and confusion anymore. And my child will not be put in the middle of any of the mind-games or pathology. She has a very healthy and loving relationship with my mother's sister and sister's husband (Nana and Papa) as well as my husband's parents. Thankfully, she won't have to live through the trials, tribulations, and struggles of BPD and NPD. 

One concern has been and always will be until it happens: what will I do when they each passes-away? My child even posed this question to me. I would say that this question is the last remaining issue surrounding my parents. In regard to this, many life changing events have happened in the last decade that neither parent or those close to them have notified me. These events included my mother almost dying from 3 strokes, my Dad having serious surgery, and more. My intuition tells me that I won't find out from anyone notifying me; however, I may find out from a random post appearing on my Facebook wall which is fine. If we choose not to have a relationship during life, why would things all of the sudden change due to death? 

Anyway, I hope to get back to blogging regularly. Work has kept me very busy (I am grateful and appreciative), and family life is always a super fun adventure (which again, I am grateful and appreciative). Until then, remember, if you are a grown child of a BPD and NPD parents, my love and best wishes go out to you. You are a war veteran in every sense of the word, and your psychic landscape, no doubt, looks something like what's left after a bombing attack-- but it CAN and WILL get better! 

Collateral Damage with Estrangement and No Contact

Collateral damage is that term defines the damage that can over spill from a bad relationship that effects family members and mutual friends causing them to sever relationship with you or you with them.  When people go through a divorce and lose their in-laws in the process, collateral damage has occurred. 

 

Similarly, collateral damage can happen when an abusive parent is finally confronted, when boundaries are enforced, when no contact periods are taken, or when an estrangement occurs. When some people are faced with a family member or friend who is going through an estrangement or no contact situation, it just seems easier not to have to take sides. For others, the relationship is severed because it was never really all that important. Also, if you are dealing with a BPD who enlists allies against you (her target of rage),  letting those people go is prudent for peace of mind and your health. 

The estrangements with my mother and Dad were due to their behaviors over extended periods of time (my entire life). With my mother, she shut me out due to her perceptions of my unplanned wedding. With my Dad, he tried to control my husband and me and became upset when he couldn’t. Ultimately with both estrangements, collateral damage happened. I lost touch with the people surrounding each of them.

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What kind of collateral damage have you experienced with your estrangement or time of no-contact? Do you think the collateral damage is because you are just letting it be, the relationship was never that strong to begin with, the one with whom you’re estranged turns people against you, or some other reason? Please post your comments below.

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Letting Go

First of all, I am not the type to put someone in an awkward position. So, if you are close to my mother or Dad (for example, their spouse), I am not going to over-step the boundaries and expect them to chose me or even speak with me. I am not going to have someone ‘chose sides’ nor feel uncomfortable because they were put in an awkward position regarding loyalty. My mother and Dad have always been ones that placed a high value on loyalty, so with their narcissistic personalities, having their respective spouse not exhibit loyalty would be a huge violation.  

Weak Relationships

I must add also that if the relationship with the surrounding people wasn’t strong to begin with, why would any loyalty shift from aligning themselves or sticking by their spouse? Same goes for other people surrounding my mom or Dad. If I wasn’t close to them in the first place, why would an estrangement cause them to reach out to me MORE?  For example, with my Dad, I was never close to his wife or her daughter. So with the end of communication with my Dad, I didn’t attempt to contact either one of them, nor have they tried to contact me. And even further out in the lineage, my step-sister’s husband and his mother / father have not been in contact either. We never kept up with each other before, so why now? We occasionally visited during family get-togethers but that’s it. 

Campaigns of Denigration and Allies Against Target of Rage

With my mother, the situation is a bit more complicated because she enlists people in her target of rage (me being the target this time) and a campaign of denigration begins. With my mother, when she flew off the handle about her perceived view of my unplanned wedding, she spent her time and energy soliciting people to ‘her side’ rather than spending her time and energy trying to talk to my then fiancé and me. She also has had a history from my birth of controlling the people in my life—basically meddling in my familial relationships since birth. She ousted my birth father out when I was months old. She made it nearly impossible for my brother and me to have a relationship with my paternal grandparents. She wrote off my maternal grandfather shortly after my maternal grandmother died and wouldn’t even allow me to write him letters. She divorced and villianized my adopted father (whom I call Dad) when I was around 11 years old. When it fit into her plan of villianizing my adoptive father, she introduced my birth father back into my life around 12 years old. So, she controlled and molded my family relationships even up to our last estrangement. 

When she didn’t like what she was hearing about my wedding (that I didn’t feel comfortable having all three of my fathers together at the wedding), she said that she was ‘out’ of the wedding (which she was never ‘in’ because there was no wedding planned yet) and that she was going to call my birth father and his family to tell them they aren’t invited either. When she announced this, I became angry- angry because for my entire life, she manipulated who I could talk to. And now, I was taking a stand and speaking about what I felt comfortable with, which didn’t fit her wishes, and she exclaimed that she was ‘out’. Anyway, from that point forward, she made it her mission to  denigrate me to my birth father’s family and to turn them against me. 

I never had a solid or strong relationship with my birth father or his family, although my contact and experiences with them far exceeded my mother’s. So when she came forward to them when she was upset about wedding, I decided not to get into a ‘he said / she said’ with them. They never contacted me, however, so my side of the story was never communicated to them. I wasn’t about to call them in order to defend myself. I didn’t do anything ‘wrong’ so I didn’t feel the need to put myself on the stand to be cross-examined. 

They were under the spell of my manipulative and dysfunctional mother, and she tangled them into her web. I suppose if I had a solid and strong relationship with them that her power wouldn’t have affected them? I don’t know. They are very impressionable, small town folk that are very smitten with the wealthy and city life that my mother and her third husband live. So perhaps they would have fallen into the ‘poor pitiful woman whose daughter ripped her heart out’ trap by a very clever 

con-artist BPD.  

"The borderline enlists others as allies against the person who is the target of her rage. She may seek out friends, family members (including siblings and children), and co-workers of her victim in whom to confide fabricated stories designed to discredit her enemy. She intentionally leaves out discussion of her own behavior, presenting the other person's behavior as entirely unjustified." Lawson (p, 141).

But the bottom line is that I didn’t have a solid or strong relationship and the loss of them as collateral damage was not significant although I am disappointed that they think so poorly of me. I am still amazed, however, that they took the garbage that my mother spewed out of her mouth as gospel and turned to support her (even though they were victims of her toxicity several times in the past). 

"Others may believe the BPD's allegations of mistreatment because of the intensity of emotion. Misinformation is calculated and constructed in order to destroy the victim's reputation. Those who do not know the true situation may not notice inconsistencies in the BPD's story. It is difficult to verify the truth because the intensity of the emotion dissuades others from asking details" Lawson (p, 141).

Minimizing Collateral Damage

Collateral damage is a distressing effect of relationships gone awry. If both parties are supportive and understanding about the people surrounding them, relationships can continue. If both parties vow not to involve others in their own personal disagreement, argument, or split, collateral damage is minimized as well. Saying negative things and slinging insults is not the way to minimize damage. Agree not to bash each other and agree not to talk about the situation to others. These steps are seemingly simple, but to a BPD or NPD who wants to control, manipulate, or prove who is loyal to them, the task not not possible. Ultimately, due to my mother’s campaigns of denigration about me, I was not able to try to maintain a relationship and continue the link with grace with my birth father and his family. And the relationships surrounding my Dad were never that important to begin with.

Removing Toxic People From Your Life

BPD Mother and the Death of a Grandparent

My very elderly grandfather (on my birth father's side) recently died. I didn't get to know my grandfather due to many extenuating circumstances. I would have liked our relationship to be different, but these are the cards that were dealt, and I accept the circumstances surrounding my past. Certainly I am responsible for me and for my life; however, when I was brought into the world, I had no decision with the choices that were made which laid the foundation for my future.

Back when I was a newborn, my mother cheated on my birth father with her high school sweetheart (who became her 2nd of 3 husbands; the man whom I call 'Dad'), divorced my birth father, changed my birth certificate with adoption, and literally cut my birth father / family out of my baby album. My paternal grandparents were told they would never see me again and were given the opportunity to say their final 'goodbye' to me. Thereafter, my paternal grandparents didn't try maintain a relationship with me, but rather accepted what my BPD mother demanded and walked away.

Then my mother cheated on my Dad with his best friend (late 1970's / early 1980's), and a tumultuous divorce followed (You Dropped a Bomb on Me).  When I was 13 years old I had visitation with my mother, and out of the blue, she says to me, "I know how to get a hold of your birth father. Would you like to speak to him?" I was taken back by the revelation but curious. I remember entertaining the notion, and we did speak to him for a short phone call. Little did I know, my mother used this information -- that I was in touch with my birth father-- to hurt my Dad during the divorce proceedings. She passive-aggressively leaked the information, making sure he found out. And I didn't find out until recently how much that hurt my Dad.

When I was an older teenager, she again pushed the idea of communicating with my birth father. I feel like she was trying to 'right her wrong' (taking his baby from him and and abruptly leaving him the way she did) by getting me back in touch and trying to hurt my Dad even more. But I was very hesitant about bringing my birth father and his family into my life. My life had already been very confusing and tumultuous with my parents divorcing and remarrying into ready-made families within 2-years. I was still getting used to having divorced parents living in separate locations, step brothers and sisters, as well as new stepparents. I felt pull in many different directions, and the adjustments were tough.

During a long road-trip, I got a terrible case of food poisoning. I was very ill on the drive home as well, but my mother insisted that we drive by where my birth father lives. In the dark of the night, I met him and his family (including my paternal grandparents) at a McDonald's. Remember how much I have used the word 'bizarre' in my blog posts? Well this meeting epitomizes bizarre. I didn't have much to say, and I was like an animal on display at the zoo. After eating some burgers, we got back in the car and were on our way again. I didn't see any of them again for almost 10 years.

However, when my mother and I had an estrangement when I went off to college (she claimed that I didn't love her because I came into town and didn't call her: Out of the Nest), she proceeded to call my birth father and his family and tell them all kinds of crazy things about me. She told them outright lies, very awful things. Why in the world would a loving, caring, and supportive mother do this type of thing to her child!? The answer is: campaigns of denigration are a hallmark of BPD. The intent is to destroy my reputation and thereby destroying my relationships with family and friends, and others. The campaign employs lies, exaggerations, fictions, partial truths, and other reality distortion techniques. Again, I think that my mother was trying to 'right her wrong' (keeping me away from them when I was a baby / child) by making me out to be this horrible person they never would have wanted to be around anyway. Also 'demonizing' me helped her to accept the estrangement as well and to displace accountability for her actions.

Through independent efforts, I met my grandparents a handful of times through the decades (a couple in my 20's and a couple in my 30's), but we never had a connection.  The attempts were one sided as I traveled 500 miles round trip from time-to-time to visit. Although we didn't form a connection, I wish things were different. I accept how things are and how the cards are dealt including the outcome of my BPD mother's pathology.

Looking back at my life, my mother created my path by meddling in my life, taking away my birth father, having me adopted, removing all evidence of my birth father (creating the deception), trying to push my Dad and me apart by bringing my birth father back into the picture, and continually trying to discredit my Dad and my relationship to the present day. Each move she made, she affected my life by trying to alienate me. She seemed to try to position herself as the only family member in my life, to create a dependence on her, and to attempt to guarantee loyalty so that she isn't rejected or abandoned.

With the passing of my last grandparent, I have been thinking of the impact my mother's BPD has had on my life from the time I was born. Ultimately, however, she failed to keep herself honorable in my life as she has lost credibility, trust, and love through her ruthlessness, conditions, and bizarre nature of her moves. She did manage to affect my relationship with my Dad-- and of course affect my relationship with my birth father by removing him from my life as an infant. And how, even now after almost 10-years of estrangement, she is still dangerous and destructive.

Bottom line, I am very thankful that my mother was eliminated from my life LONG before my child entered this world. My wish is that my child never have to endure the destruction, wrath, confusion, manipulation, and hurt that a BPD can cause, namely from her BPD grandmother. And I also pray that my grandfather rests in peace. Although I never got to truly know him, my heart is heavy with the news of his passing.

Searching for Answers to WHYs in a Relationship

Searching for answers when a relationship is fractured or broken or has ended is natural. Being hurt or disillusioned, disappointed or rejected are not easy on one's soul or mind, especially when the culprit is your very own parent(s). However, you may never get the answers you are seeking directly from the other person. But I will tell you how you can find the answers to your whys-- read on.

If you are a victim of a a personality disordered individual, is the explanation he/she provides truly the answer? This person has misled you for years--even decades-- down a toxic road of dysfunction and confusion. You are seeking truthful and insightful answers from this person when therapists aren't even successful.

Reading comments such as, "The verbal abuse from my mother has lasted through all the lifetimes. It's still there, tucked away deep inside, it comes out from time to time and haunts me, it still has the ability to make me cry, and although I won't let it rule who I am anymore, I will never get over it and I will always wonder why" is heart-wrenching especially the always wondering WHY.

 

Sadly, often the abuse (whether physical, verbal, emotional) that occurred during childhood via our parent(s) continues into adulthood when the culprit hasn't sought therapy or had consistent therapy. How I was treated as a child was no different when I became a teenager or young adult or adult. My parents are the same people who have not attempted to take accountability for their actions or seek professional help. So although I had questions regarding my child / teen years, I also had just as many into my adulthood since the dysfunction continued. And boy oh boy, thank goodness for the wonderful friends that I have had through the decades who would listen for hours on end about MANY whys and questions. They are partly responsible for keeping me grounded and focused.

Besides finding answers through my friends, I read books like crazy. And when the Internet became more and more of a comprehensive tool, I used it to connect with others like me and to research even further. Then, I started to blog, which allowed me to take all of this information out of my head and put it somewhere else... AND most importantly, help others like me to sort out all of the jumbled mess that happened in the past and create an understanding of it all.

So, I am at peace with the estrangement knowing that no-contact is the healthiest alternative for not only myself but my child and husband too. Part of my being at peace is due to the research that I conducted about personality disorders, communicating with others who have experienced mirror situations, support from friends / family, writing down all my history with accompanying analysis, and more. If you notice, none of my answers have come from my parents.

I count on myself for my happiness, peace of mind, and understanding of this world. If I allowed my parents to dictate each of these elements, I would have been completely misled at a very young age. Consider their actions and how they conducted themselves as not only parents but citizens in their community, I am truly thankful that I developed into the person I am today and very saddened the toll it took on my brother. Also, my parents have never been ones to be transparent and allow for open communication. Both being highly narcissistic, communication is one-sided and all about their perspective. My parents won't even talk about neutral topics such as a simple memory from the past-- my Dad says that he doesn't want to remember the past and my mother distorts and twists the facts.

What I find amusing is that my mother hasn't made one attempt to reach out to me since our estrangement started in July 2004; however, she has not stopped talking to my brother about me. She claims that I am "ignoring" her.  To be ignored, one must create an action to be disregarded. She has not tried to contact me since 2004; therefore, again she's positioning herself as the victim. If I were to try to find answers as to why our relationship is broken by asking her, what type of response do you think I'd get? The answer would be that I am responsible for the estrangement and everything in between.

My mother also says that I am **keeping away** my child from her. Again, she would have to reach out and then I would have to refuse in order to keep away. My mother and I became estranged three (3) years BEFORE my child was born (before I was even married). She has never contacted me about the birth of my child or any time thereafter, and thus, I have never had the opportunity to 'keep away' my child from her. If I were to try to find answers as to why our relationship is broken by asking her, what type of response do you think I'd get? Again, the answer would be that I am responsible for the estrangement and everything in between.

My Dad and I became estranged after he became upset that my husband's family was coming down for Christmas (Last Straw), thus "ruining" his traditional holiday get-together. He also claimed that my husband and I conspired to keep the in-law visit a secret, which we most certainly hadn't. The in-law trip was planned last minute to due a birth and then, very sadly, a death in the family. He cancelled coming over to our house via email and never contact me since. How very narcissistic (heartless and baseless as well) for him to only think of himself as well as to concoct a scenario to solicit sympathy towards himself when others are hurting from a death in the family. Again, if I were to seek any truth into our relationship, my Dad would not be able to provide it. Heck, he can't even talk to me about my childhood without scolding me that it's the past and he wants to forget about it.

But you CAN have your questions answered...

The answers you can get from your abuser are already in front of you:

1. Actions speak louder than words-- and the years of mistreatment, abuse, and more speak volumes in regard to answers as those actions are reprehensible and inexcusable. The patterns of abuse (physical, verbal, emotional) are very similar case-by-case. So finding others who have been through what you have is very cathartic and healing. You can find many answers through researching and communicating. 
2. Find that validity through your enlightened witness, friends, and family who understand what you've gone through. Speak to them regarding their insight, what they witnessed, about the background / history of your parent(s).  
3.  Most importantly, you hold the answers in your heart. You KNOW why the relationship is broken or has ended. The reason for wanting **answers** is to give validity to your feelings and to ease your conscious. Believe in yourself and what you know.

The point with the examples is that when you are in a dysfunctional / abusive /  toxic relationship, finding answers from the origin of the problem is not likely going to happen. And if you do venture to find answers from the other party, you will most likely not find the honest and earnest truth you are seeking. In fact, you will probably feel more disillusioned, confused, and hurt. You are the only person you can control and who can control what you feel-- find the answers within yourself and find peace.

What is Closure of a Relationship

Closure seems like a **buzz word** but it's something that I feel and I know others would like to feel closure as well. Whether the closure relates to an estrangement with a family member, end of a romantic relationship, or any other relationship that has come to an end, closure is a goal for peace of mind and being able to live in the here-and-now.

Sometimes a relationship ends with no loose ends and no unanswered questions-- you simply move on and the relationship is final. Other relationships are not so cleanly ended. For example, in the situation with my mother and Dad, they are my parents and ending a relationship with a parent is not so simple or clean. Add in the manipulations, confusion, guilt-trips, brain-washing, and abuse that comes along with a mentally ill parent (ie: personality disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) with my mother or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) with my Dad) and finding closure is even more convoluted.

So, do you need to have closure? Not in order to move on, no. You can move on with life in a positive, healthy, productive, and happy manner without closure-- meaning, questions may still be left unanswered but you remove yourself from the abuse, negativity, unhappiness, and more in order to improve your life, find happiness, and have peace.

However, without closure, you may still have that little voice in the back of your head wondering what the person is up to, why did the person treat you this way / that way, when (if ever) will they change so that a mutually beneficial / healthy relationship is possible, or you may play out what happened in the past over and over in your head. In other words, although you may not have found closure, proceeding through life in a direction away from the relationship that ended occurs but you still think of that person and have questions floating around in your mind about them, the past with them, or 'what ifs'. 

During the first part of the estrangement / no contact / break-up, you may be angry, sad, pensive, or empty. As time goes on, you will find strength in being able to see the whole picture. When you are in a relationship, you are too closely entwined in what is happening to see the entire perspective. I like to explain 'relationship perspective' this way: when you are in a relationship, it's like your nose is pressed up against a huge painting so all you see is what is directly in front of your eyes. The dynamics of the relationship are so much more but all you can see is what your nose is pressed up against. As you take a step away from the relationship (aka: the painting on the wall), you will see more and more of the painting. The further you step away and as more time passes, the more you can see the entire picture surrounding the relationship. You will suddenly start to see things the way others from the outside see. The perspective changes: you see details you didn't see before, insignificant things become less and less important, and significant things become more pronounced.

As time passes and your perspective changes, you start to see more and more clearly what happened to you:

• In one respect, this clarity could cause greater pain initially as how you were treated and what transpired in the past becomes more evident. But this is necessary in order to move on-- if you were operating under false assumptions about the relationship, these truths that become apparent will help to guide you to strength and conviction of how you are going to conduct your life. Therapy will help during this time, as well as talking to a close confidant who can provide validation, support, and a listening ear. 
• In another respect, the clearer perspective can immediately give you the boost you need to find closure in the relationship. Truth is power. Being truthful with yourself and your past will give you the power to move forward through life and away from your painful past.

Once I was away from my parents and was able to reflect on what happened, writing certainly helped to bring everything out into the forefront. Starting from as early as I could remember, I wrote everything down from my perspective and memory. Additionally, talking with those who were involved in my life during the abuse by my parents was validating and freeing. Lastly, I researched and read and researched and read some more. The more I wrote, talked, researched, and read, the more I understood. The more I understood, the more I accepted what happened to me. The more I accepted what happened to me, the more closure I gained. At this point, I am not looking back, and I am at peace with where I am in my life relative to the estrangements with my parents.

Don't get me wrong. I went through 5 year cycles of estrangement with my BDP mother from when I was a child up until the last estrangement in 2004. I gave her second and third and fourth chances-- so closure of the relationship didn't happen until this last estrangement which had a great deal of experiences as the foundation. And in regard to my Dad, we had a precarious relationship since his 2nd marriage 30 years ago. So with both relationships, the end wasn't a quick and immediate occurrence-- and closure didn't happen quickly.

During each estrangement with my mother, I analyzed, soul searched, and dissected how we got to that point. So with each estrangement, more and more knowledge of my mother was acquired which ultimately gave me the strength to find closure with the last and final estrangement. With my Dad, I also analyzed, soul searched, and dissected our relationship and his narcissistic behavior-- and the final straw was how he was treating my newborn baby, my husband, and me. Closure with him was easier as his behavior was increasingly intense rather than Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde like my mother. My Dad was consistently self absorbed and malignantly narcissistic.

Formal steps for finding closure are as follows, however, remember that each and every one of us comes from unique sets of circumstances (abuse, family situations, personalities, etc) that these are simply a guideline:

1. Grieve the loss of your relationship and allow yourself to feel the pain of  the estrangement / no contact / break-up. Don’t avoid the hurt by distracting yourself from the reality because you can’t heal and move on until you’ve grieved.
2. Refrain from contacting the estranged. No contact means just that-- no contact. No contact means no contact on the phone, text, via social networking, spying online, emailing. Contacting the person will not change how you got to where you are in the relationship. Recovering from the grief is a difficult process that takes patience. Contacting your estranged may temporarily alleviate the pain, but contact is simply postponing the inevitable.
3. Spend time alone to reflect on the relationship's positive and the negative aspects. Be honest with yourself and don’t solely focus on the affirmative components of the relationship because you love / miss the person. 
4. Alter your perspective to include a positive outcome. Think about all that you’ve learned through the painful process and recognize that the agony will subside as you move on and look forward to what’s ahead in your life.

Former therapist, grief counselor and life coach Susan Elliott suggests: "Don't mistake grief for love. It's normal and natural to grieve any loss...even if the relationship was the worst in the world. Don't let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings. Part of the grief process is ‘review and relinquishment’ where it is necessary to process through the relationship. Unfortunately this review comes in the form of having the (estranged) on your mind constantly. It's a 'working through' and it doesn't mean you're not going to get over it, or that you still love the (estranged). It means your mind is doing the work it needs to do to process through it and get over it."

So as time goes on and you can intellectualize exactly the abuse you went through, how awful the treatment was from your parent(s) / family member / estranged... but you still miss having a mother to celebrate on Mother's Day or you wish for a loving and warm relationship with a parent or you may think you should consider giving the person a second chance since life is so short and you believe in forgiveness. Has closure been achieved? Not in my opinion. The missing and the wishing wouldn't be a part of your thought process if closure has been **officially** achieved. Acceptance has been achieved as you are proceeding through life with the understanding that the estrangement / no contact is in effect-- but closure hasn't occurred as thought patterns are swaying toward wanting to spend time or reconcile with the person.

In many ways, an estrangement of a parent or close family member is essentially like grieving the death of that parent / family member. In order to successfully work through the grief of a parent’s death, individuals need to be open to dealing with their emotions completely, to express them honestly, and discuss them with someone who can provide support. Only through this process will a person be able to resolve his or her grief which also applies to parental estrangement.

Closure happens when you can finally put the past to rest and not look back. Closure happens when you are content with the here-and-now.  Closure happens when you can be at peace with what happened and move on directly into the future confidently. May you find the closure you are seeking.

The Silent Treatment by Borderline Mothers

The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which contempt, disapproval and displeasure are displayed through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence. Additionally, the silent treatment is the cold shoulder, complete silence, distance, feigned apathy, and being ignoring. The goal of the  punishment is to make the victim feel unimportant, not valued, and not cared about. As a form of non-physical punishment and control, the abuser believes if she doesn't physically harm then she is not an abuser; however, the silent treatment IS emotional abuse. The silent treatment is a form of erasing someone from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation.

The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother may rage when angry, but many times she may use silent treatments. The BPD mother uses the silent treatment to torture the child(ren) that she professes to love.  The silent treatment is a very narcissistic example of the lack of emotional regulation of the BPD. The silent treatment is control, and a safe means for them to avoid any  'uncomfortable' topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within herself; therefore, the silence is an abdication of personal responsibility. 

Kimberly Roth, the author of Surviving a Borderline Parent, encountered many children of borderline parents who said they felt crazy growing up. "They experienced a lot of inconsistencies—an action or statement that earned praise one day would touch off a three-day, stony silent treatment the next—as well as sudden outbursts and overreactions." So they never learn to trust their own judgment or feelings. The most important element to recovery, she says, is to accept that you're not crazy and that "it wasn't me."

Throughout my life, my BPD mother has used the silent treatment as well as other ways of ignoring me as a way of 'punishing' me. Starting as a small child, she would lock herself in her room for up to days at a time. She would not speak to my brother and me unless absolutely necessary. Thankfully we had my Dad with which to communicate and to care for us. She continued this pattern into my adulthood-- with the worst episodes when I lived with her as a teenager. The pain and shame and feeling of isolation was overwhelming. I tried to reach out to others during this highly emotionally abusive time (my step-father, my friend, my friend's mother) but was only subjected to my mother's retaliation.

As a teenager, I was banished to the basement for 90 days, only allowed to leave to perform house and yard work. During this time, my mother wouldn't speak to me. I was completely ignored and isolated as I wasn't allowed to use the phone. I tried to appeal to my step-father's common sense, but in the midst of telling my point-of-view, my mother arrived in the basement and told him not to speak to me. She called me a bitch, and they both left. So, not only did I not have her speaking to me, but she prohibited my step-father from speaking to me as well as my ability to talk on the phone to others.  

She also used notes to communicate during these silent treatment times. She wouldn't talk to me for a long period of time. Then she would start leaving notes for me around the house. Each note would get further and further off-base from the issue-- very bizarre writings. The notes would truly make me sick to my stomach as her illness was clearly apparent in these surreal and bizarre writings. Those outbursts and over-reactions that Roth referred to above were very apparent in these notes. More about this period of time: Run Forrest Run

When I went off to college, she became enraged because I didn't come home one weekend to see her. I tried to talk to her about the situation but she repeatedly hung-up on me. Instead, she used letter writing to communicate. She wouldn't talk to me on the phone (silent treatment), but she would send letter after letter-- each letter getting further and further from the truth and the issue.  She eventually wrote that she didn't want me home for Thanksgiving ... then Christmas... and then ultimately she put my possessions on the street. I never responded to the letters; however, the letters got so upsetting to my then boyfriend that he confronted her about her fabricated and distorted views. More about this period of time: Out of the Nest

By the time the information technology age arrived, her methods shifted from letter writing to emails. She wouldn't call me or my then fiance (now husband) back on the phone (silent treatment) but she would fire off a series of emails to anyone that she had an email address. Her lack of emotional regulation was very apparent as she fired off inappropriate and delusional emails to my work colleagues, collegiate colleagues, future in-laws, friends, and more. More about this period of time: Little Women 

Regardless if she gave me the silent treatment, left notes laying around the house, mailed me letters, or sent me emails, my mother has been incapable of honestly and openly discussing the issues at hand. The issues root to her fear of abandonment and rejection as well as her hypersensitivity to the topic of my Dad, her divorce from my Dad, and those she feels have hurt her. She has chosen time and time again to alienate herself from those around her by estranging herself from her daughter (me), her son, her sister, her father, and countless others. Rather than working through challenges, she claims the victim stance and retreats. And with the retreating, she comes ruthless with her words on paper.  

So, my mother's silent treatment was not merely the absence of speaking. She added the element of note writing, letter writing, and sending emails as a form of control. With these methods she was able to refuse to communicate until she was ready to stop punishing-- and then she was able to one-sidely present her compoundingly and exponentially distorted, convoluted, and fabricated point of view. She was vicious with her words-- and still is as my brother is still in communication with her and received some very scathing and ruthless emails and texts from her. When she disagrees with him, she will not speak to him on the phone, but she will send him texts with harsh profanity (telling him to "f*&k off" repeatedly for example) and telling him how horrible he is.

Her silent treatment has always made me feel not valued by her... unimportant to her ... and easily discarded. The fact that she can stop communicating with me so quickly and flip to denigrating me is amazing and tragic. She sings my praises for years to completely change her tune in a matter of seconds-- her over-reaction leading to estrangement, the ultimate form of silent treatment. And her outbursts switch from notes / letters / emails TO me ... to notes / letters / emails ABOUT me. My mother, with her silent treatments and estrangements, has left no ability to have closure-- ever-- with any of our issues through the years. Even after a silent treatment or estrangement ended, nothing that transpired ever was discussed.

For those of you suffering from the silent treatment, please do not internalize the abuse. Remember that the silent treatment is passive aggressive and by no means resolves any of the extenuating issues. Remember also that you are worthy of being recognized, acknowledged, respected, and dignified with a response. And remember that you are not crazy ... and that it's not you.

Estranged Parent | Illness, Death, Funeral

 

I have been estranged from my mother for over 7 years. We had been through cycles in and out of estrangement through my entire life; however, this estrangement is final. She has broken my trust and done things to me that only a person who has no respect for me would. And in all honesty, no one has ever treated me with such disregard, denigration, destruction, and damage... and this person is my mother. 

At any rate, she has been sick for quite some time with an auto-immune disease which is treated with very toxic drugs. She has had complications through the years about which my brother has informed me, including the possibility of kidney loss and need for transplant. So, here is the first situation of contemplation: how to handle the possible call, asking me to donate a kidney. She already put my brother on the spot, and being the son who wants to stay in good standing to receive monetary assistance, he said he'd give her his kidney. He laughed about it when he told me. 

If push came to shove that the kidney transplant is necessary for her to live, and my brother's is not a match-- she may come knocking on my door since she and I have the same rare blood type. What a predicament that would be. I am not heartless but I am also not wanting to eliminate the ability to ever help my husband, daughter, or aunt who are actively in my life, unconditionally and whole-heartedly daily. Additionally, if she cannot give of herself to me on a daily basis, why should I have to give to her in this manner?

Another issue that my brother has asked me several times is if I would go to my mother's death bed ... and if I would attend her funeral. As far as the death bed, why would we communicate when she's at death's door when we haven't during the days of life? If she doesn't have the desire or gumption to see me now, why when death is closing in? All she has done in the last 7 years is talk poorly about me and create alliances to destroy relationships around me. She has not had good intentions in the past or presently-- so would those intentions on her death bed be pure. I don't think so. I believe a healthy serving of guilt would be served as she has adeptly inflicted since I was a child.

And as far as her funeral: if we don't speak to each other here and now, appearing at her funeral is not appropriate or valid. I can honor her as my mother in my own way, on my own time, and at her grave-site at a later date. I know this all sounds very morbid, but I have been asked this scenario many times and have had to analyze my feelings and plan-of-action. Abusers still manage to put the victims in the middle of such painful situations, which they didn't bring upon themselves, and force the victims to deal with them and their trail of wreckage even after their deaths.

In the book "Mean Mothers" by Peg Streep, one of the most powerful moments in the book is when Streep gets the call from her brother that her mother is dying (page 31), the comment from him that he thought she might want to come see her, and the decision Streep makes. I was on the edge of my seat, wondering what decision Streep would make. Ultimately, Streep's decision and her feelings about her decision mirror what I concluded to do. Powerful passages that, as Streep says, "testifies to what can happen when a mother can't love her daughter in the way she needs to be loved" (page 33).

Those with healthy and loving relationships with their parents don't understand and can't fathom the depth of this situation (sick parent, parent on death-bed, parent's funeral) but what these folks don't know is the extent of the past with an abusive, pathological, and narcissistic parent. And most importantly, I have already said goodbye to my mother.

I had an epiphany when my child was born-- I had a sudden realization and comprehension of the essence and meaning behind my mother and my estrangement. Life was not a **game** anymore (my parents were always playing life and relationships like games. Head games of guilt and shame were primary tactics with strategy of manipulation). Also, we had passed through some major life events without each other: my wedding, my pregnancy, and now the birth of my child. This situation between my mother and me is profound... profoundly dead. After my child was born and I passed a cemetery, a rush of emotion flowed through me. That last piece of the puzzle has been put into place and now I can see the whole picture. I mourned the loss of my mother but I knew that what has happened in the past is precisely what makes a future impossible. So with this epiphany and with the acceptance of the death of our relationship, how and why could / would I engage in any of the aforementioned situations? I am not bitter. I am not angry. I am actually at peace with my past, present, and future.

Researching advice from the general public to someone in my situation (estranged parent on death-bed), resoundingly the public is in favor of making amends and communicating. With this research, I have no idea if this public has ever been through abusive parents-- and would they have the same point-of-view if they had. Further research revealed a study by Reverend Renee Pittelli of people’s opinions and attitudes about attending the funerals of estranged relatives. She did not refer to the deceased as “abusers”, only “estranged relatives”, so many of the respondents did not consider themselves to be abuse victims. They simply were not on speaking terms with whoever had passed away, or would pass in the future, although the assumption of abuse was the case. Possibly if the survey specified “abusers”, most of the respondents would have been even more adamant in their refusal to commemorate their deaths. The respondents were both men and women, and ranged in age from their twenties to their seventies. They came from a variety of ethnic and cultural backgrounds, locations, and religions. The results revealed that only 8% would go to the funeral as going would be the "right thing to do", culturally correct, or reflective of how they were raised. WOW! 8%

As sad as this subject may be, this situation didn't happen overnight. This situation is a collection of events from birth to present that created the dynamic (or lack thereof). Just because this person is your parent doesn't give him / her the right to own your feelings, decisions, or life. And if you are estranged from you parent, I am pretty certain you would actually like to have a loving, healthy, respectful, and mutually beneficial relationship. So at the end, if you have been estranged, a reason or many reasons are at the root of the no-contact. And these reasons don't dissipate simply because that person is sick, dying, or has a funeral. Whatever your decision may be, the decision is a deeply personal one. 

Borderline's Campaigns of Denigration

I love my child to the deepest part of my heart and soul. My child is a blessing who amazes me every day of my life. I would do anything possible to support my child, shower my child with unconditional love, and provide security and safety for my child. If we ever have a disagreement, I will do everything possible to understand my child's point-of-view and create peace. I am my child's biggest cheerleader, biggest supporter, and biggest admirer. I love my child beyond words.

My mother, on the other hand, has treated our relationship with such disregard and with so many conditions. She has treated me as an adult when I was a child, expecting me to react or have viewpoints as an adult. She leaned on me as an adult 'friend' when I was a child, confiding in me with things that are inappropriate for a child's ears. She completely disregarded my feelings, emotions, and perspectives from childhood to the beginning of our last estrangement in 2004. She has discredited and denied my childhood memories and even has gone so far as to say what we experienced as a child doesn't have any bearing on our adulthood. And what is so disgusting is that she will spend an inordinate amount of time talking disparagingly about me to other people.

First of all the campaigns of denigration are despicable because she is my mother and I am her daughter. She **should be** one of my staunchest supporters, someone to always be on my side. She **should be** someone who thinks I hung the moon, talks admiringly of me, and is my cheerleader. And if we have personal issues, those issues should be resolved between us. I cannot fathom ever speaking of my child the way my mother speaks of me. I cannot fathom making up myths, lies, and misconceptions about my child the way my mother does of me. I know how deeply I feel for my child-- and this truly makes the pathology, dysfunction, toxicity, and pure evil of my mother's illness stand out even more.

If my mother spent as much time and energy trying to work-out disagreements with me as she does with her campaigns of denigration against me, we would have resolved disagreements long ago. The topic that started the last estrangement isn't what threw me over the edge (the fact that my mother said she was out of my wedding because I didn't want all 3 of my fathers attending the same ceremony). What threw me over the edge was the vile, mean, and demeaning things she said to my friends, work and school colleagues, my in-laws, and more. She went so far that I cannot ever trust her again. Let's put it this way-- would I still be friends with someone who attacks me, spreads lies about me, tries to turn people against me, and attempts to destroy relationships of mine? Heck no. So why would I still honor a relationship with my mother?

When we were estranged in in the middle 80's and then again in the middle 90's, she talked smack about me. When we reconciled, I try to put the past in the past and give her credit for being 'changed'. After our middle 80's estrangement ended in the early 90's, she promised me that she had changed, that she had gotten professional help, and that she wouldn't do anything like that to me again. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then when we reconciled after the middle 90's estrangement, I thought I had my life so solid and together that she couldn't hurt me again. Wrong again.

Anyway, one of the classic behaviors of a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the campaign of denigration. The target is the person against whom the perpetrator BPD conducts the vilification, which the target happens to be me.  The intent is to destroy my reputation and thereby destroying my relationships with family and friends, co-workers, and others. How can someone who loves you, do this to you? They can't possibly truly love you and then try to destroy your reputation and relationships.

As with so many aspects involving BPD's and their typical inability to understand or respect boundaries, no limits exist to their campaigns. They will use any means available to cause damage to their target, including denigration, endless disparaging remarks, fabrication, false accusations, and even teaching others to lie on their behalf as part of their vilification campaign. My mother has used all of the means listed and even taught others (my ex co-worker (Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and half-sister (Seriously Demented: BPD Mother Replacing Daughter) to take part in her campaign. She tried to organize them to 'crash my wedding' ... we had to have security at our wedding ceremony for protection. How very sad. Is this the behavior of a loving, supportive, and **normal** mother?

The campaign employs lies, exaggerations, fictions, partial truths, and other reality distortion techniques. Campaigns of denigration are often done behind the scenes.  They may start months or years before the target is even aware of the campaign. By the time the target is aware of the distortions, people around the BPD may have been hearing for a long time that the target is some evil, horrible, cruel person as part of the campaign of denigration. What is so powerful is the thought from outsiders that a mother couldn't possibly be lying like this about her very own child, could she!?!?! And thus, the mother has power, and the child is vilified. Peg Streep talks about this in "Mean Mothers" that the child is the one on trial in the court of opinion when against a mother.

The BPD is likely to make extreme false allegations, distortions, and varied lies to defame and harm her target. The BPD is also likely to involve many other people in the campaign of denigration. Many are passive participants who will listen and believe the BPD’s lies. Others become actively involved in spreading lies further. The target may find dozens of people, many whom have never met him / her, who believe and repeat the lies of the BPD. I know that my mother will try to talk to anyone who will listen (she loves pity as she is the hurting victim) so I am sure there are many people out there that I am unaware who have heard many false allegations, distortions, and lies about me. And you know what? I don't care. If any of these people chose to believe my mother, so be it. I can't be a politician to try to convince them otherwise. Que sara, sara-- what will be, will be. What I do know is that I am truly blessed with a wonderful group of family and friends who are my family. And those family and friends are who I concentrate on... not the nasty evil makings of my mother.

What lies do BPDs tell? BPD's tend to pick false accusations that are difficult to disprove. Although we supposedly live in a society in which people are 'innocent until proven guilty', the reality is, people are not treated this way. The victims of the campaign of denigration often are treated as outcasts or even criminals, assumed to be guilty without any evidence whatsoever. A pitiful point is: just because she's my **mother** many don't require evidence to deem me guilty--  why would a mother falsely accuse her daughter who she claims to love so very much!?!?

The perhaps surprising aspect of many of these defamatory statements is that they are not about the target at all. Often BPDs are aware at some level that they themselves are doing these bad behaviors. So instead of taking responsibility for their own problems, they blame them on others. This behavior is known as “projection.”  The BPD lies by partial truth and distortion. BPD's excel at this. They are believed and seldom questioned because of their emotional intensity and conviction they exhibit while they repeat their lies. My mother is very smart and very clever. She can build lie upon lie, and she sounds so very convincing... and she is convincing because she believes her own lies. And as far as projection, she has always saw me as an extension of herself. Therefore, when she is saying the lies, she fully believes them because she thinks of me as an extension of herself and these lies are actually truths of what she feels about herself. 

BPD's have trouble knowing what the truth is due to a combination of problems. Sometimes they may experience cognitive dissociation in which they temporarily break from reality and may honestly experience reality completely differently from any observers. My mother seems to cycle in and out of reality, which also corresponds with our estrangements. Her sense of reality is skewed on a certain level consistently but manageable for our relationship to remain active. However, she becomes completely irrational at times, typically spurred on by fears of abandonment or rejection, which throws her out of reality. She is transformed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, and our relationship is cut off. She has always been very careful to show the public only a sweet and smiley side. The public doesn't see the irrational, unreasonable, and destructive person that I experience and see.

I have tried to talk to her about our past estrangements, and her reasoning behind why they occurred is completely off-base from what actually happened. She claims she doesn't remember some of the events, and she even stated that she instigated the estrangement just to make sure that I could make it on my own if she were ever gone. Say what!?!? A mother would go for FIVE YEAR STINTS away from her daughter just to make sure that she could make it on her own when her daughter was already living independently!?!? Irrational and illogical. And when I confronted her about the 'smack' she said about me, she flat-out denied it. But reality does not matter to BPD's. What matters is the ability to convince other people to take their sides during conflict and to protect themselves from “threats” such as being alone or being held accountable for their actions.

Why don’t people see the BPD's who conduct campaigns of denigration as the liars they are? Often BPD's tell varying lies to different people who don’t talk to each other and so the obvious deception is not apparent. My mother's relationships are predominately with people who live out of the state and have no contact with each other. Additionally, often the BPD’s emotional intensity and ability to play on people’s emotions makes them master manipulators. When my mother and I first became estranged in 2004, my step-grandmother was ill and subsequently died. My mother didn't call to inform me of her death but cried to others around her that I am heartless because I didn't know my step-grandmother died. How convoluted and illogical is that!? And when she declared she was 'out' of my wedding, I asked her in several emails and voice messages if she really meant what she said or was her declaration simply a threat.  She never responded but actively spread the lie that I kicked her out of the wedding and ripped her heart out.

People tend to “just believe” because the BP can come across as very charming, warm and friendly. Untrained, uncritical listeners are particularly susceptible at being duped by their lies. Eventually, they may believe the lies so completely that even when confronted with evidence such as writings, photographs, recordings, 3rd party versions of events, and other evidence, they refuse to accept that they were duped into believing lies. Even many mental health care professionals fall for the campaigns of denigration for a while. They get sucked into false sympathy and emotional alignment with the BPD rapidly. They fall for false stereotypes, such as “all men are abusers”, that BPD's use to their advantage.

The campaign of denigration also tends to damage many people around the BPD.  Divorce situations in which the children are taught by a BPD parent to hate the other parent based upon lies is very common. This is also known as “parental alienation”. My Dad was very adept with Parental Alienation as well as my mother. Each parent attempted to have my brother and me chose between parents. And if we lived with one parent, we didn't have a relationship with the other parent. I wrote more about of Parental Alienation in Adult Children of Parental Alienation as well as other areas of my blog. Parental Alienation is a form of emotional child abuse; therefore, BPD's or others who do this to children are child abusers.

Bottom-line, my mother has not fought to have me in her life-- she has fought to denigrate me and keep me out of her life. And she compounds estrangements with campaigns of denigration furthering my mistrust of her. I would fight TOOTH AND NAIL to NEVER allow ANYTHING to get in between my child and me. My mother would rather spend her time and energy talking terribly about me. Who needs this in their life when life has so many loving, caring, and kind people in this world? So when people ask me if I will ever reconcile with her, I respond with the fact I don't trust her. And at this point, the trust cannot be repaired after the extensive damage my mother has created.

Mean Mothers | Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt

I just finished Peg Streep's book, "Mean Mothers, Overcoming a Legacy of Hurt" and have mixed reviews about its content. Although many profound & poignant passages were contained, much of what she wrote was so generalized and simplified. I think her point at the beginning of the book on page 34 that she's "deliberately excluded stories of mothers who seemed to suffer from a definable mental illness" (which includes personality disorders) was a injustice as a "mean mother" cannot be 'mean' to the extent described without having a mental illness.

Being 'mean' to the point of damaging your child cannot occur without a mental illness. These mean mothers and their problems that are thrust upon their child throughout life are not normal. Even a mother who has bouts of lacking confidence, frustration, insecurity, etc would NOT be 'mean' through an entire child's life. Streep is off-base ignoring the fact that these mothers have mental issues. Yes, she talked about the 'mean mothers' backgrounds or their selfish qualities, but that is not enough-- a mean mother who damages her child has pathological and psychological (mental) issues.

She alludes to "broken" mothers at one point, saying "a healthy mother is wired to respond to the love an infant offers, but if she is broken, she can't always do it, and things get very screwed up." If a mother is "mean" and "broken", can't one conclude that the mother is not of sound mind? Therefore, aren't these mothers who are creating a "legacy of hurt", mothers who are mentally ill ? She also states on page 193 that "if there is a single common attribute to be attributed to the unloving mothers we've met in these pages it's their lack of awareness, their inability to be conscious of the effect and the import of their words and gestures on their daughter's development, and, for most of them, their incapacity or refusal to take responsibility for their actions." First of all, this is not one single common attribute. She listed three; however all three of these qualities relates to low emotional intelligence. Previously, I analyzed The Borderline & Emotional Intelligence as well as The Narcissist & Emotional Intelligence.

Another note is that because she's covering such a broad topic ("mean mothers"), having an account of only a handful of people is not sufficient. If she was covering BPD mothers with a few personal stories, then narcissistic mothers with a few stories, then bipolar mothers with a few stories, then histrionic mothers with a few stories, etc-- each of those few stories would be enough to back up the sub-topic. But having only a few stories to back up the "mean mothers" topic is not sufficient.

Starting around page 50, Streep begins to describe "beyond the mother myths: real women" which from the descriptions that were presented, these mothers appear to be highly narcissistic and witch like. She describes the annoyed and angry mother that is unavailable for her daughter during times of need (sleepless girl: page 51), the controlling mother (forcing naps, what to wear, who to marry: page 53), the lack of an authentic relationship with the mother (fraudulent: pages 54-55), and not allowing affection into the relationship (no hugs: page 63). These mothers are not exhibiting healthy, happy, and respectful behaviors-- they may be real women but they are not normal women. These mothers are exhibiting dysfunctional behaviors typical of mental illness.

Peg Streep didn't allude to if she thought her mother was mentally ill or if her mother had been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but from what Streep described, her mother fit the framework of a not only a narcissist but a borderline mother. She comments about how her mother didn't have "it in her to love, so in the end she lived her life with what she had inside her. I think she was simply an unhappy person all her life, and I was the easiest one for her to take things out on" (page 176). This "unhappy" person could be described as "depressed" , or in other words, experiencing depression (mental disorder).

On another topic, the sections about fathers and then siblings were much too generalized and didn't delve into step & half brothers / sisters, broken families, ready-made families, step fathers, and how the mother chooses / works these fathers pathologically against the children. I have three fathers, each has been used in some shape-or-form by my mother, depending on her agenda. My mother used the first father to escape a living situation. I was born into this escape. Once she was done with him, she married her high-school sweetheart, and father #1 was erased from the photo and baby albums. Then father #2 was attempted to be erased when father #3 came into the picture. Father #2 became what Streep describes on pages 93-94 where he never really asks about my life in any sense, was emotionally unavailable, and showed absolute loyalty to my step-mother. Father #3 was the one described on page 95 who was weak and never stepped in to protect me from my mother's wrath. I found little with which to relate in these father and siblings sections, especially the siblings section where our family was torn-apart and destroyed by divorces, re-marriages, and Parental Alienation Syndrome.

I think if she went more into depth about "overcoming the legacy of hurt" as her title suggests, the book would be more effective. She went into great depth into analysis of the mother due to cultural or generational elements and then covered the siblings & fathers in a very generalized / vanilla approach, and only touching on how to over-come. I would have liked more stories from women who overcame the legacy of hurt... more stories from more women from more varied types of 'mean mother' experiences rather than generalized descriptions of the 'mean mother' herself. She touches on the hole or void that a lack of mother-love leaves again around page 163. I thoroughly enjoyed these passages and her conclusion that "each story of healing is unique, though the broad outlines of daughters' stories often share much in common". That validation-- reading about others who have walked the same path as yourself-- is so very healing and results in such peace-of-mind. This validation is immeasurable.

Another section that covers the ability to overcome the legacy of hurt is when Streep discusses bringing a child into the world. Her words resonated with me as I felt the many feelings she experienced when I had my child. She reiterated what I've had family and friends remind me of my entire life, "you aren't your mother" (page 169). My mother treated me as if I was an extension of herself, and I disliked that VERY MUCH-- so much, that at a very young age, I would ask my grandparents if I was like my mother. And they would very kindly and delicately tell me that I am my own person, distinctive and separate from my mother. Since I had a child, I have always viewed her as her own person as Streep did with hers (page 184), "From the moment she was born, I tried to see my daughter whole-- not as a reflection or an extension of me or my hopes and dreams but herself". I couldn't have said that any better.

Streep chose no-contact with her mother due to her pregnancy, and I applaud her for that as her mother was a 'known danger'. She wanted to "undo what generation after generation of mothers" in her family had done to their daughters. My estrangement (Little Women 2004) happened years before I got pregnant but I did have an epiphany once my child was born where I realized the profound finality of the estrangement as I realized the depth and breadth of what had transpired. I had a baby, my mother was not informed and included with the pregnancy & birth, and I am not allowing my mother to inflict emotional / mental damage to her as she did to my brother & me.

Streep also speaks of how much she loves her daughter and how she thought "my mother must have loved me" (page 170). I never had that thought; however, I contemplated how much I love my child and how much I want her to have the best, experience everything, and be protected / shielded from negative aspects of life... which led me to the thoughts of what my mother put me through and how in the world could she do that to her children! The answer is simple: mental illness. Again, the question of whether Streep's mother was mentally ill, but regardless, Streep cut off contact with her mother and vowed not "make her mistakes". I am not sure that "mistakes" is the correct word for what our mothers put us through. A mistake is more like yelling out of frustration every once in awhile or not being patient with your child during trying times... but for consistent and constant events that ultimately effect the adult child of the mother are more than mere "mistakes".

Streep presents another topic that I want to expand upon on this blog which is how people can't fathom that a mother is **that** bad. Therefore, as a child, people don't realize the abuse (mother is sticky sweet to the public and a witch behind closed doors) and as an adult, people can't imagine the stories are actually not exaggerated or contrived (people feel the mother should be given credit for doing the best she could regardless). Streep talks of how daughters of mean mothers are silenced because of this syndrome, and thus, the "myth of mother love requires the daughter to maintain her silence" page 13. She describes how Diane doesn't feel good talking about her mother because she's afraid people will think she's exaggerating. I completely understand this point, have felt the same way, and empathize with Diane. Streep continues with how "complaining makes me sound crazy or worse". Later in the book, she states that in the court of mother -daughter conflict, it's usually the daughter who is on trial (page 24) and thus an additional reason the daughter is not given the credibility or consideration like the mother. I also agree with that point. The mother is the elder, the mother is the one who is supposed to be nurturing, protective, and maternal, and the child is supposed to be learning from this adult. The burden of proof lies with the child.

I liked how she effectively and efficiently defined and discussed the attachment theory (page 46). I also really enjoyed reading about the EARNED attachment (page 48), which I think defines where I have come from. She describes how making sense of childhood experiences and understanding how those experiences affected development, one can move from an "insecure" to "secure" functioning of the mind. I am able to tell coherent stories of childhood (as evidenced by this blog) and put events into meaningful contexts and to reflect on those experiences (even the negative ones). I have spent decades searching, making sense of, and trying to understand my childhood and beyond. My experiences have made me stronger and made me the person I am today. As Streep concludes on page 198, "If I could speak to my mother one more time, I'd say this: 'You didn't mean to, but you made me stronger and more aware than I might otherwise have been'" which I have the same conclusion with what I have experience with my mother and Dad.

In contrast, my brother's way of dealing with his experiences has not been with trying to understand or come to terms. He has claims not to remember childhood experiences, offers little detail, and has little sense of how the past has contributed to the present (other than to blame and be the victim). He, in turn, has not been successful with relationships, has been clinically depressed, and has struggled through out life. He exhibits insecure attachment which has not been turned into earned attachment.

I would have liked to read more about estrangement and the "taboos associated with cutting off ties to her mother" as Streep mentioned (page 14) but doesn't expand much except with an anecdotal paragraph and a story of Cathy (page 15) who went back to speaking to their mothers after 14 years only to subject herself to the same exact conditions that led to the estrangement in the first place. My 5 year on / off cycles with my mother revealed the same results which ultimately led to the permanent estrangement starting in 2004. She does mention "divorcing" her mother as a "lifesaving strategy" which leads to one of the most heart-felt and chilling statements in the entire book (page 16), "There is always a hole in me that needs to be filled and can't be. Not the love of four kids or my husband of twenty-odd years or my friends fills it. It's always there, like a tear or a hole in fabric. You can put threads in to repair the weave--the threads of other relationships-- but the hole is still there." And thus, the reason I purchased this book.

One of the most powerful moments in the book is when Streep gets the call from her brother that her mother is dying (page 31), the comment from him that he thought she might want to come see her, and the decision Streep makes. I was on the edge of my seat, wondering what decision Streep would make. Recently, my mother has been very ill and heading to kidney failure and possibly a limited life span-- thus these considerations have run through my head. What would I do if I got that call? I haven't seen her in 7 years at this point. Why would we communicate on her death-bed if we don't communicate on a normal day? Why would communicating on her final days change anything that has transpired, the actions she has taken, or the actions I have taken? Ultimately, Streep's decision and her feelings about her decision mirror what I concluded to do. Powerful passages that, as Streep says, "testifies to what can happen when a mother can't love her daughter in the way she needs to be loved" (page 33).

The ending of the book is very strong. She really hits home with a statement after the birth of her child, "my own history didn't disappear, but it did lose its power over me" (page 180). Possibly the fact that she cut her mother out of her life at this same time might have given her this sense of relief? But I do know that being estranged from my mother and then having a child really allowed me to 'see' what is so very precious and important in life. The birth of my child really put life into perspective, allowed me to see my past experiences through different eyes, and permitted me to give someone so much that I never had. Having this unconditional love of a child compounded with the love of my husband allowed me to accept the past, leave the past in the past, and be content with where my life is right this second. Streep states on page 181, "Yet it opens the door for a woman to overcome a bad past or escape the fate of repeating it by way of the psychological work she has accomplished in understanding, putting into perspective, and rendering coherent her past, especially her experience of being mothered. " Amen.