How to Deal with a Critical Parent

I keep wondering why I try to have a relationship with my Dad when it's clearly obvious he doesn't like me. Why else would he criticize practically everything I do, where I live, how I raise my child, and more? Why else would he nit-pick my life and gossip about me? Why else would he continually find fault in what I do and see the negative of my life?

• If my Dad loves me, he sure has a weird (bizarre-- yup, here's that word again!) way of expressing himself.
• If my Dad cares about me and my well-being, he sure does make matters worse.
• If he wants to have a relationship with me, he puts forth a very minimal amount of effort.
• If he wants to have a relationship with his grand-daughter, why did he only see her 5 times in 2008 when he lives less than an hour away and is retired?

For subsequent blog posts about my Dad: My Dad, the Narcissistic King and What Makes my Narcissist Dad Tick

I feel that no matter what I do, I can't win with my Dad and step-mother. And I feel like I have been living my whole life trying to achieve my Dad's acceptance and approval, which is ironic because in all other areas of my life, I am full steam ahead, confidence, self-assured, and settled.

The answer lies in that I have been dealing with a highly narcissistic parent who has progressively gotten worse through the years due to retirement, getting older, and feeling less in control. And the worse that he feels about himself, the worse he treats those around him that he feels are successful, confident, and possessing something he doesn't. So, with the rise of the narcissistic behavior, the criticisms rise.

I have been dealing with a highly critical set of parents (Dad and step-mother) for almost my entire life. I continually read & reread this list to help keep myself in-check-- some of these points REALLY hit home. The following is for anyone with a critical parent:

• Stop hoping and expecting approval. Stop trying for approval. Stop believing that if you were good enough or worthy enough or perfect enough this parent would suddenly approve of you. Some parents have a need for perfection, and tend to be judgmental by nature. They see the flaws, instead of the strengths, and in every human, if you look for flaws, you will find flaws. Such parents are wired to find the glass half empty, instead of half full. This has nothing to do with you, or who you are, or what you are worth as a person. Such people rarely, if ever, change. Let go of the belief that if you tried harder you would suddenly gain their approval. You won't.
• Stop seeing yourself through the eyes of your critical parent. While you cannot change a parent who tends to criticize, you can change what you allow this to do to you. Stop looking and judging yourself through the eyes of this parent. Speak to the part of yourself that has internalized this criticism. Tell yourself that while you love this parent, you do not believe this parent nor do you welcome this parent's beliefs into your inner home. Ask nicely that this part of you please leave and be silenced forever.
• Understand that something within your parent is flawed, and that is why they are driven to find the flaws in another human. As children, we see our parents as all-knowing, all-powerful, completely benevolent creatures, even when they are cruel. In a sense, they become our Gods, and we maintain this view of them well into adulthood. While consciously we may acknowledge their flaws, subconsciously we still somehow believe they are right about everything. So if they don't approve of us, on some level we believe they are right in not approving of us. Something, obviously, must be flawed in us to have a parent criticize us. Why else would a parent criticize us unless we really deserved it? Begin now to understand that a parent who gives in to the desire and need to criticize a vulnerable child is on some level cruel, ignorant and completely unaware. Why else would they give in to the temptation to make their own children feel so badly about themselves? They either lack understanding as to what their words are doing, or they lack kindness. Either way, they are lacking. Every time they criticize you, tell yourself that this shows that they are the ones who are flawed, not you. The giver of criticism, rather than the receiver, is usually the one who has a problem and needs to change.
• Understand that the desire to shame and criticize another person usually stems from a deep self-hatred and self-loathing, along with a childhood of criticism and shame. Most likely, the parent who criticizes you was also the victim of a critical parent. This is the sad and cyclical nature of dysfunctional families. Forgive your parent. Understand that they are part of an unhealthy and cruel family pattern.
• Commit yourself to being conscious of how being the child of a critical parent has impacted your life. By being conscious of the effects of criticism, you'll actually begin to negate the effects. Bringing to the surface the impact of criticism can actually help it dissipate and lose the power it has in your life.
• Be aware that if you were often criticized by a parent, you will be inexplicably drawn to people who are judgmental and critical of you.
• Surround yourself with loving, approving people. No, you don't have to break off all contact with your critical parent, but you should make sure that your life is filled with people who see the good in you and who aren't too afraid or too petty to give you the affirmation and positive feedback your soul deserves.
• Let go of the hope that your critical parent will ever change. Stop looking for their approval. Love them. Forgive them. Understand why they are like this, but stop looking to them for approval and support you will probably never get.
• Learn to reparent yourself. Start talking to yourself with love, kindness, concern and respect. Compliment yourself. When you do something good, tell yourself that it was good. When you make a mistake, tell yourself that it is okay to be imperfect. Talk to yourself in the same soothing, comforting, positive way you would talk to a new baby. Visualize your adult self hugging, praising, loving, and affirming your child self, that is still helpless and longing for a kind parent. Be kind to yourself. Introduce yourself to the kind of parent you deserved, but did not get.
• Be aware of the critical voice within you. Children of critical parents tend to internalize a critical voice that bashes and beats their self-worth, often with even more harshness than the parent who was critical in the first place, as this voice was born of cruelty and unconscious parenting. Tell this voice that it is no longer needed. Refute this voice with your kind parent voice, letting the voice know that you know that all their words are lies. Fight this voice with all your might. Tell this voice you understand why it is there, but that it is no longer needed.
• Stop blaming yourself for your parent's actions. It wasn't your fault that your parent was critical. It wasn't your fault that you never got the approval you needed. There was nothing you could do to make this critical parent into a kind approving parent.
• Let your parent know that while you love and respect them, you will no longer be the victim of their criticism. Every time they start to criticize you, firmly tell them that while they have a right to their opinions, you will no longer allow yourself to be at the mercy of their words. Let them know that their words have hurt you, because you want their approval, but you've accepted that you'll never get that. Let them know that you no longer want to hear their criticisms, and sharing them with you is no longer an option.
• Stay away from people and situations that keep you longing, yearning and believing that if only you tried harder you would win their approval and love.
• Aim not emulate your critical parent and criticize others. If you continue the pattern in your own family and with others you love, you'll be affirming that your parent's behavior toward you was right and proper, instead of showing by example that it was completely wrong to treat another human in such a manner. Set in motion a new pattern for your life and family by refusing to give in to the temptation to be critical of others.
• Understand that if a person can't see the good in others, they are lacking some basic qualities needed for healthy human relationships.
• Some people are, by nature, judgmental perfectionists. It isn't your fault that you were born to one of them.