Monday, February 9, 2009

How to Deal with a Critical Parent

I keep wondering why I try to have a relationship with my Dad when it's clearly obvious he doesn't like me. Why else would he criticize practically everything I do, where I live, how I raise my child, and more? Why else would he nit-pick my life and gossip about me? Why else would he continually find fault in what I do and see the negative of my life?
  • If my Dad loves me, he sure has a weird (bizarre-- yup, here's that word again!) way of expressing himself.
  • If my Dad cares about me and my well-being, he sure does make matters worse.
  • If he wants to have a relationship with me, he puts forth a very minimal amount of effort.
  • If he wants to have a relationship with his grand-daughter, why did he only see her 5 times in 2008 when he lives less than an hour away and is retired?
For subsequent blog posts about my Dad: My Dad, the Narcissistic King and What Makes my Narcissist Dad Tick

I feel that no matter what I do, I can't win with my Dad and step-mother. And I feel like I have been living my whole life trying to achieve my Dad's acceptance and approval, which is ironic because in all other areas of my life, I am full steam ahead, confidence, self-assured, and settled.

The answer lies in that I have been dealing with a highly narcissistic parent who has progressively gotten worse through the years due to retirement, getting older, and feeling less in control. And the worse that he feels about himself, the worse he treats those around him that he feels are successful, confident, and possessing something he doesn't. So, with the rise of the narcissistic behavior, the criticisms rise.

I have been dealing with a highly critical set of parents (Dad and step-mother) for almost my entire life. I continually read & reread this list to help keep myself in-check-- some of these points REALLY hit home. The following is for anyone with a critical parent:
  • Stop hoping and expecting approval. Stop trying for approval. Stop believing that if you were good enough or worthy enough or perfect enough this parent would suddenly approve of you. Some parents have a need for perfection, and tend to be judgmental by nature. They see the flaws, instead of the strengths, and in every human, if you look for flaws, you will find flaws. Such parents are wired to find the glass half empty, instead of half full. This has nothing to do with you, or who you are, or what you are worth as a person. Such people rarely, if ever, change. Let go of the belief that if you tried harder you would suddenly gain their approval. You won't.
  • Stop seeing yourself through the eyes of your critical parent. While you cannot change a parent who tends to criticize, you can change what you allow this to do to you. Stop looking and judging yourself through the eyes of this parent. Speak to the part of yourself that has internalized this criticism. Tell yourself that while you love this parent, you do not believe this parent nor do you welcome this parent's beliefs into your inner home. Ask nicely that this part of you please leave and be silenced forever.
  • Understand that something within your parent is flawed, and that is why they are driven to find the flaws in another human. As children, we see our parents as all-knowing, all-powerful, completely benevolent creatures, even when they are cruel. In a sense, they become our Gods, and we maintain this view of them well into adulthood. While consciously we may acknowledge their flaws, subconsciously we still somehow believe they are right about everything. So if they don't approve of us, on some level we believe they are right in not approving of us. Something, obviously, must be flawed in us to have a parent criticize us. Why else would a parent criticize us unless we really deserved it? Begin now to understand that a parent who gives in to the desire and need to criticize a vulnerable child is on some level cruel, ignorant and completely unaware. Why else would they give in to the temptation to make their own children feel so badly about themselves? They either lack understanding as to what their words are doing, or they lack kindness. Either way, they are lacking. Every time they criticize you, tell yourself that this shows that they are the ones who are flawed, not you. The giver of criticism, rather than the receiver, is usually the one who has a problem and needs to change.
  • Understand that the desire to shame and criticize another person usually stems from a deep self-hatred and self-loathing, along with a childhood of criticism and shame. Most likely, the parent who criticizes you was also the victim of a critical parent. This is the sad and cyclical nature of dysfunctional families. Forgive your parent. Understand that they are part of an unhealthy and cruel family pattern.
  • Commit yourself to being conscious of how being the child of a critical parent has impacted your life. By being conscious of the effects of criticism, you'll actually begin to negate the effects. Bringing to the surface the impact of criticism can actually help it dissipate and lose the power it has in your life.
  • Be aware that if you were often criticized by a parent, you will be inexplicably drawn to people who are judgmental and critical of you.
  • Surround yourself with loving, approving people. No, you don't have to break off all contact with your critical parent, but you should make sure that your life is filled with people who see the good in you and who aren't too afraid or too petty to give you the affirmation and positive feedback your soul deserves.
  • Let go of the hope that your critical parent will ever change. Stop looking for their approval. Love them. Forgive them. Understand why they are like this, but stop looking to them for approval and support you will probably never get.
  • Learn to reparent yourself. Start talking to yourself with love, kindness, concern and respect. Compliment yourself. When you do something good, tell yourself that it was good. When you make a mistake, tell yourself that it is okay to be imperfect. Talk to yourself in the same soothing, comforting, positive way you would talk to a new baby. Visualize your adult self hugging, praising, loving, and affirming your child self, that is still helpless and longing for a kind parent. Be kind to yourself. Introduce yourself to the kind of parent you deserved, but did not get.
  • Be aware of the critical voice within you. Children of critical parents tend to internalize a critical voice that bashes and beats their self-worth, often with even more harshness than the parent who was critical in the first place, as this voice was born of cruelty and unconscious parenting. Tell this voice that it is no longer needed. Refute this voice with your kind parent voice, letting the voice know that you know that all their words are lies. Fight this voice with all your might. Tell this voice you understand why it is there, but that it is no longer needed.
  • Stop blaming yourself for your parent's actions. It wasn't your fault that your parent was critical. It wasn't your fault that you never got the approval you needed. There was nothing you could do to make this critical parent into a kind approving parent.
  • Let your parent know that while you love and respect them, you will no longer be the victim of their criticism. Every time they start to criticize you, firmly tell them that while they have a right to their opinions, you will no longer allow yourself to be at the mercy of their words. Let them know that their words have hurt you, because you want their approval, but you've accepted that you'll never get that. Let them know that you no longer want to hear their criticisms, and sharing them with you is no longer an option.
  • Stay away from people and situations that keep you longing, yearning and believing that if only you tried harder you would win their approval and love.
  • Aim not emulate your critical parent and criticize others. If you continue the pattern in your own family and with others you love, you'll be affirming that your parent's behavior toward you was right and proper, instead of showing by example that it was completely wrong to treat another human in such a manner. Set in motion a new pattern for your life and family by refusing to give in to the temptation to be critical of others.
  • Understand that if a person can't see the good in others, they are lacking some basic qualities needed for healthy human relationships.
  • Some people are, by nature, judgmental perfectionists. It isn't your fault that you were born to one of them.

77 comments:

  1. Thank You.

    I have very critical parents who not only criticize me but also critize and frequently ridicule each other. I've grown up feeling so much self hate that it's difficult for me to make friends because when I encounter a new person, I automatically think they already dislike me or see all my flaws already.

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    1. Ohh, I'm sooo sorry. My step-dad is VERY critical of me, and of my mom, too. They argue quite a bit. I just wish my dad wouldn't put me down so often. He calls me names and because of it i have to see a therapist because I got involved with self-mutilation. He knows I'm very sensitive; that's why I came to this page, to get help on dealing with all of "this". I have tried talking to him, and praying ALL the time, asking Jesus to help me and to give me strength.....Anyway, this isn't about me. Ask God to help you. He has helped me by having me see a therapist; and that has helped some. I don't know what God has in store for you. Just say," Jesus, I am a sinner, and You died for me then rose from the dead. Please, Lord help me follow you. And, also, help me with my parents, and help my parents. Thank you. Amen"

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  2. You are quite welcome. I hope that the post helps... I printed it out and read & re-read it whenever I need a boost.

    I am so sorry to hear about your parents-- no child should have to live through criticizing, ridicule, judgments, and nit picking but many of us do, sadly. As an adult, I hope that you are able to see the power in yourself, the value of YOU, and believe in yourself. May you find happiness and peace :)

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  3. As I struggled with my anger at my critical parents this morning, I realized that I desperately needed a reality check. I was letting them drag me down again and I had to stop the slide...this, the first result on my internet search, has provided me the needed clarity and positive outlook I needed. I feel refreshed. I have regained some ground! Thank you!!

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  4. You are quite welcome. So wonderful to hear that you are refreshed and regained some ground... keep going in that positive direction. I have this blog entry printed, and whenever I need a reality check, I read and reread it. Keep believing in yourself and keep lifting yourself up :)

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  5. I agree 100% that you should surround yourself with a network of people that are NOT critical. To get there, it was a slow and steady climb for me, starting from a young age. I always knew there was something better for me, no matter how terrible my childhood experiences were. And, that helped me have the courage to look at my relationships with an objective eye, analyze my relationships, understand why they failed or why they succeeded. I looked at past friends, boyfriends, bosses, etc. I became wiser about how to choose positive people for my life and better at learning how to successfully deal with negative, critical people.
    Being in a positive and supportive environment with my friends and husband made my experiences and interactions with my parents become unbearable; it also made it all the more clear how wrong/hurtful my parent's behavior was. That was when my relationship with my parents came to a crossroad about a year ago, when I was 29. With the last and final straw, I suddenly was able to verbalize and consciously understand the effects their words and behavior had on me and how it affected every aspect of my life- past and present. The unexplained pain, frustration, and anger I had as a child finally made sense to me.
    And interesting realization was: when parents are criticizing, they are probably not listening. If the child feels that the parent does not listen to them, the child will feel a huge sense of frustration which results in breaking down, crying, yelling, screaming, etc. Acknowledging and validating other people’s feelings and opinions is crucial to make any relationship work.
    Honestly, I could go on and on with the many realizations I had about our relationship. It was like an epiphany. In the end, I asked myself “Do I want to put up with this for the rest of my life?”

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  6. Congrats on your "slow and steady" climb... it wins the race :)

    You said, "Being in a positive and supportive environment with my friends and husband made my experiences and interactions with my parents become unbearable"-- ain't that the truth! All of the positiveness and support truly pronounces all of that toxic and dysfunction, doesn't it!? I have been there, done that... makes one want to totally back away and shake that part of his / her life off.

    And how you touched on the listening aspect... I have a Dad that never listens, and you are so right-- the relationship didn't and doesn't work because he rarely acknowledges and validates feelings. He will walk out of the room when you're in the middle of a conversation. He doesn't remember what you've supposedly talked about. He doesn't listen or care to even know about what makes you tick or what is going on in your life. And you hit the nail on the head, "Do I want to put up with this for the rest of my life?"... and my answer to that was a definitive, "No" We deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

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  7. I just got done crying my eyes out because of the movie Prayers for Bobby. Im not gay and my mom isn't a bible thumping person, but she is critical. I've alway's known there was something not right in the way she treated me, but when you are a child and the parent who is supposed to love you and teach you, fills you up with nonesense it doesn't always then come out of you the right way does it? I had a very hard time verbalizing what exactly my mother did. I tried to commit suicide when I was 16 and when the hospital was going to send me home I told them I wasn't going to go home with her. Of course they wanted to know why, but I couldn't tell them she hit me or beat me. Only that I never did anything right in her eyes. That was minimal though wasn't it. After watching Prayers for Bobby I realized what she did was put a black mark with every critisism on my soul, everytime she corrected me it was just another black mark. Im still not very good at putting into words what it is exactly that she does only that it's never a happy time, a good time someone or something always does something to get under her skin and then we all who are around her get to suffer for it. Thank you for your post and it's good to know that I am not the only one out here feeling like a freak.

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  8. "When you are a child and the parent who is supposed to love you and teach you, fills you up with nonsense it doesn't always then come out of you the right way does it?" You are right- no, it doesn't. Your parents are supposed to be the ones who give you love, support, and safety to build confidence and independence to take on the world. When these powerful people break that attachment and that trust at such a pinnacle time, the consequences can take years to overcome.

    I totally understand what you mean by the 'black mark'. I always used the term 'brick in the wall'... as the wall keeps building until she's (my mother) shut herself out of my heart. And my mother did. We haven't spoken in 5 years. She will never get to me again-- nor my daughter.

    At this point, are you still in a relationship with your mother? Do you have anyone around you to reassure you that your mother is the problem NOT YOU?

    Remember-- we all would like to have a relationship with a mother, just not OUR mothers. It's okay if you don't have a relationship with her-- there are MANY other people out there in the world that will treat you right.

    You are the master of your own destiny. Don't let anyone take that from you. Love yourself and be happy. Feel free to email me if you want to correspond: gretel.ella.smith@gmail.com

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  9. Better late than never... I needed so very much to read these words today. I was raised by a severely critical and domineering father, for whom perfection was required. He was overbearing and incredibly strict, I was ridiculed and jeered and they put me on diets from the age of eight. My aloof and passive mother resented me and physically disciplined me often. Hence I became easy prey to be groomed by a "family friend" at an early age. I have grown to overcome much and am achieving plenty via professional goals. Yet, I struggle with self-doubt still and it mostly manifests as obesity. Finding your words today gave me strength and made me cry for the child within that replays negative messages unconsciously at times. Thank you for allowing the universe to use you to share, comfort, support and inspire.

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  10. My pleasure... may your life be happy, filled with those who love you, and showered with sunshine. Keep positive messages flowing-- with a smile on your face and in your heart.

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  11. I feel better reading this, critism and its effect can be really subtle, but massive. My parents constantly tell me what I am doing wrong as a mother, they tell me how I should keep my house, what my kids should be doing and when, what I should look like, I think I understand them, basically if I was a small dress size, had an immaculate house and my children who are 4 and 5 never ever did anything wrong I would get it right. But this is not just my parents my sisters get in on the act to, my big sister comes round to my house regulary and tells me how to arrange my fruit bowl, where my tea towels should be bla bla bla. It has completely acceptible in my family for people to say things to me, that I would never ever dream of saying to them. It's weird. I run my own business and I got a degree while my kids were really young and I was a single mum, I actually won a prize for my business a few months ago, but my father phoned me today to tell me I was lazy, but this was in response to me reminding him that my mom beat on us when I was a kid. Apparently that was ok, because she had more energy than me and her house was cleaner. I really need to get these people out of my life, there is nothing more strange than the people who brought you up in a dysfunctional way telling you that you are getting it wrong with your own children and that its them who knows how to do it right. It is so weird, undermining and exhausting, I rarely visit them, because when I do, I take days to recover. I feel I am way more picked on than my siblings to and I am a grown women!

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    1. You are just like me. It's amazing how educated, accomplished and decent we all are and yet we are still told we are lazy and incompetent by our families. My therapist told me it was jealousy on their part and I think she's right. THey both have health problems, meaning they can't work now, while my younger brother lives a chaotic (borderline criminal at times) lifestyle, and I think they resent me. I was always very academic and solid, and tend to be well liked outside the house, but my family would always say 'Ha, if only they knew who you really were!' I found it difficult to make friends until recently because I too felt I wasn't good enough, and they would abandon me once they got to know how evil, selfish and lazy I am. I'm in a bind at the moment because, despite plenty of qualifications, a growing small business in the arts and about to go into the final year of my degree course, I have met with bullying and abuse at workplaces as well. This has grossly affected my ability to earn my own living, and get away from them frankly, and I find myself more dependent on them at the moment, while I take time out of work to get therapy, than is safe for me. It's a real rock and a hard place. Bullying happened three times in a row, and so I have had to take time out to work through it. One of them was bullying by a tutor during my last degree course in my early twenties and I left without finishing. This has directly impacted me now, meaning I am more dependent on my parents than I should be, because I cannot get much student finance to finish my degree, due to previous study. I hate the situation I'm in right now and I can't wait to get back on my feet again. In the meantime, I have no privacy - they can just barge into the room whenever, there is no kindness - I haven't been well the last couple of days and I'm met with 'You'll live, get on with it, quit whining, have you done such and such yet?' It's exhausting, and I am trying to keep my business together as well where other people are depending on me to get things right. Tomorrow I have an international business call with my first US client and I have to read through their 40 page contract tonight. I have to get things right, from a legal and professional standpoint. Hard to feel competent in myself about things like that when they are constantly attacking me. They call me lazy, believe I don't do anything and any purchases I make are looked at with derision as if I'm rolling in money/have no right to buy things. I'm 33 years old and have been trying to escape my family since I was a kid. Honestly, only for the fear of being bullied again, and the need to get therapy I would be living in another city, hundreds of miles away, and earning a middle class wage. One day I will be....

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  12. "there is nothing more strange than the people who brought you up in a dysfunctional way telling you that you are getting it wrong with your own children and that its them who knows how to do it right. It is so weird, undermining and exhausting.." how perfectly poignant! I completely relate! Makes my head spin! And I don't blame you ONE BIT for rarely visiting. Whenever I visited my Dad with my daughter (and even before she was born), I would (like you) take days to recover after the visit. I always left feeling drained and empty. Who needs that!?

    Family SHOULD BE your biggest supporter-- someone to lift you up... not bring you down. And just because they are family doesn't mean we have to take the poor treatment-- would we stand by and let 'friends' treat us like that? Nope... so family doesn't get a special pass to treat others in their family poorly just because they're family.

    I am so sorry that your family has been so critical. You know what you have accomplished, what you're worth, and who you are-- you told me! And I think you are doing a FANTASTIC job with your life: education, job, mothering, and managing everything. Don't let them tell you otherwise. I don't understand why folks would WANT to beat down someone's confidence, self-esteem, and being... but they get some sort of satisfaction from it. You, however, must remove yourself from the negativity, as you know, and surround yourself with those who are proud of you, support you, and give you happiness. Life is too short to have the 'turkeys bring you down'.

    Thank you for sharing your story. May you find strength in those precious children of yours... and search out those that are positive and upbeat. You are focused on what's right and reasonable... keep going! You will shine :)

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  13. Thank you so much for having this post about critical parents. I found it by googling dealing with critical parents. I 've read it and even copied some of your wisdom into a little book i keep.
    I am 34 years old, I can't speak for my brother but i believe we were both victims of emotionally abusive parents, i.e. critical.
    There is not a time that I visit them where they don't have a list of things they shoot off of how I should change and improve myself because they want what's "best" for me. and that they support me (yeah right!, so supportive!)
    It hurts a lot, it takes a few days for me to recover as well, usually by pigging out or eating late at night in front of the t.v.
    I believe from reading this blog that they too were criticized as children, they too, have a poor reflection of themselves and criticize each other as well endlessly.
    I forgive them and try to practice presence around them as much as possible without reacting, but some of it does get absorbed, i have finally decided therefore to limit my exposure to them by visiting less often. I beat myself up worrying that they might think i don't love them as much but I have to protect myself. I think 34 is long enough to have suffered. As for my brother he will have to come to his own conclusion of what to do.
    Thank you again for the blog .

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  14. My mom is critical of me and her mother is critical of her as I observe now. Both interfere and try to manage my life when I'm at a stage where I need to make decisions for myself. There's alot of times in my life where intervention was necessary yet it was totally disregarded. I get sick alot from how she mistreats me verbally by stating that im not normal and how every other girl is better than me.

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  15. I am so sorry to read this. Keep your chin up, believe in yourself, and surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally without judgment. All my best to you.

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  16. Thank you. I feel like for my whole life I haven't been good enough. I get B+(s) and A's but I'm always being told that I will never get into college and that what I'm doing isn't good enough. I'm being told that I'll only be able to go to work after I leave high school and that I will never amount to anything because of that. Thanks for telling me this its helped a lot.

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  17. You are so very welcome. Believe in yourself and know you can do anything you set your mind to... and you will flourish, prosper, and thrive despite your parents. You are perfect just the way you are-- you are the one and only you, and you are the best YOU! All my best to you.

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  18. Great post. It helped a lot. Thank you very much for sharing this. I also have a critical father and I have put-up with his negative words up to the age of 30. After that I came to the realization that no person should be doing that to anyone. Now, when he starts to say critical things about me, I do not take it anymore. I either change the conversation, leave or tell him to stop. I don't tolerate it anymore. And it's working.

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  19. I just came across this blog as I googled, "how to deal with a critical parent".
    THANK YOU for sharing your story....I wish that I had come across it before I spent hundreds of dollars on therapy recently! I share a similar story with the posts before me....I am accomplished, educated, etc. but strive for perfection in order to win my parents approval. I even married the man that finally met their expectations (who is sadly just as critical and unkind as they are). I often find myself scared to go out into the world and make any sort of decision because it is going to be incorrect or wrong. I always feel that I have to gain approval from someone to make it a valid, and that has really taken a toll on my confidence and self worth.I am now on a journey to regain the confidence I once had self and nurture the talent and things that truly make me happy. In the last year, I've returned to my artistic passion and recently opened my own company. I have met many career milestones, but still have the inner voice that tells me I'm selfish, wrong, or even crazy for trying to do anything else other than "they" (my parents and husband) see fit. I know that it is going to be a daily struggle for me, but am reassured after reading your blog and gaining new insight on how to cope with their unkindness. Thank you so much for maintaining this blog and for sharing your story.

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  20. You are so very welcome! Thank YOU for sharing!

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  21. Thank you for this post, it really helped calm me down - to get my 'reality check', as one poster put it. I really relate to the draining effect of being dragged down by the constant and universal criticisms of a parent - I know it's useless to try and get my parent to change, they are a bit bonkers, put politely - and so will use tips from here to help me rise above it!
    I find it really tough not to take the criticism personally but I am going to work on it :-)

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  22. I just had a 'reality check' myself after having a visit from a family member. I let my guard down a bit too much and had a reminder of why I should keep it up with my family. To keep from being involved in all of their judgments and criticisms, I chose to exclude myself. I, however, allowed myself back in for a brief period of time... only to be reminded how cruel and mean they are. So I am back to excluding myself and being happy in my sweet & simple world. Keep working on letting the stuff roll off your back. Life is too short to let the bad stuff bring you down. My best to you!

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  23. Thank you for this post. It has been so good to read. My parents have always been critical. My dad in particular is also controlling and used to never like me being on the phone, going out with friends or having friends round to the house. So I gave up a bit in the end with friendships because of the hard time and started to spend a lot of time in the house and on the internet just reading things of interest to me etc. He recently said to me that I should get some real friends instead of being on the internet all the time!!! The thing about critical people is they will never be happy. Because even when you try to please them or passify them they will still be critical!!! Live life as you feel is best without letting others dictate your worth and be considerate of others so that you don't continue the cycle. Take no notice of what critical people say because they are not happy or fulfilled but sad and miserable and I feel sorry for them in many ways. You can never please them and even if you try to do as they say, they will change their minds and criticise that too. Often critical people are also hypocrites because after all we are all human!! I think it is easier to think of critical people as having an illness who just can't help themselves! Treat yourself with kindness and don't waste time bearing grudges for it is not worth the energy and you do not want to become bitter and angry.

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  24. "The thing about critical people is they will never be happy. Because even when you try to please them or passify them they will still be critical"... so true! What a rich point you made! Thank you :)

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  25. WOW. I'm one of many, I see, who discovered this blog after googling "how do I deal with my critical parents." I'm 31 years old, and have only in the past few months realized why criticizing others comes so easily to me, and why I have such a low sense of self-worth even though I have been lucky enough to achieve a lot of great things in my life. I never believe anyone who says anything good about me, and I know now where it comes from. My parents are critical, and my dad is exactly as others have described: someone who never listens to others and often abandons conversations in the middle. This blog post and the comments have provided so much more enlightenment to me. It's scary how methodical and textbook this type of behavior is, and what it can do to children. I don't have any myself (after all, I've chased unavailable, cruel men my entire life), but my sisters do, and they are constantly criticized by my parents for raising their children the "wrong way." Thanks for helping me realize I'm not alone.

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  26. I totally agree with "it's scary how methodical and textbook this type of behavior is." I suppose that if one has a heart ailment, the symptoms are similar person to person-- and in the same sense, if one has brain ailment, the symptoms are similar person to person. Thank you so much for dropping by and sharing-- my best to you :)

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  27. Thank you thank you thank you...i've grown up my whole life with such critical parents and I really thought that I was the only one! Isn't that ridiculous, but I really did. I thought I really deserved it, that there was really something just inheritantly wrong with me. This brought me chills, I feel soooo much better. I've been putting off telling my parents I'm pregnant (21 weeks!) because I know they will find a way to bring me down and this helps me feel confident...I don't have to listen to them! I don't have to let them be negative! I can stop any conversation that I don't like and I don't have to believe what they say! Thank you so much.

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  28. You are so welcome! I wish you all the best--happiness, health, and a wonderful pregnancy. Thank you for stopping by.

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  29. Hello there,
    I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your list. I'm printing it out and sticking it in my organiser so I can read it EVERY DAY to remind myself that I cannot let my critical parents get to me.

    My mum's favourite line to me these days are "You are such an ungrateful daughter." Today she stepped it up a notch by saying that I influenced my siblings to be the same. Believe it or not, she actually told me: "We are your parents. We raised you. It's therefore your responsibility to give us money when you're an adult!" she snarled. I was like, "Am in a book, because this feels horror-story surreal!"

    I don't react to her as viscerally as I used to, and picturing her as a child throwing a tantrum lightens things in my head a bit ;) But I still can't help reacting by snapping back at her. It's almost an auto response! It's pretty frustrating ;)

    Seeing humour in situations like these, I feel, really helps. Sure it hurts what they're doing to you, but I tell myself that Look it's just not my problem they can't find happiness in themselves and can't see the good in their kids. Not my problem, nope. ;)

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  30. Hello there,
    I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your list. I'm printing it out and sticking it in my organiser so I can read it EVERY DAY to remind myself that I cannot let my critical parents get to me.

    My mum's favourite line to me these days are "You are such an ungrateful daughter." Today she stepped it up a notch by saying that I influenced my siblings to be the same. Believe it or not, she actually told me: "We are your parents. We raised you. It's therefore your responsibility to give us money when you're an adult!" she snarled. I was like, "Am in a book, because this feels horror-story surreal!"

    I don't react to her as viscerally as I used to, and picturing her as a child throwing a tantrum lightens things in my head a bit ;) But I still can't help reacting by snapping back at her. It's almost an auto response! It's pretty frustrating ;)

    Seeing humour in situations like these, I feel, really helps. Sure it hurts what they're doing to you, but I tell myself that Look it's just not my problem they can't find happiness in themselves and can't see the good in their kids. Not my problem, nope. ;)

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  31. You are so welcome. Great to hear that you are printing and reading it daily. I hope that you find peace and happiness-- freeing yourself from the negativity that can bring you down. Sending love your way-- thanks for stopping by!

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  32. Hi,

    Thank you so much for the analysis and advice above. Reading it has made me cry lots! As I realised how accurate and close to home it is. I will definitely practice the advice and improve.

    Thank you again! :-)

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  33. You are so very welcome. I hope it provides an effective and efficient tool for you when dealing with your parent(s). All my best!

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  34. Hi, I'm going to refer to your wise advice until I can reach a good place in the relationship I have with my Mother. It makes such sense and should release me from a 45 year cycle of disapproval and criticism.

    My parents moved town every few years making me 'the new girl' at school 7 times by the age of 14! During these many moves they fostered up to 13 children for varying periods and over-compensated in their care of them by treating me as a non-daughter instead.

    At the age of 14 we moved country, house & school and after not achieving the end-of-school exam results I should have, my Mum said "I hate God for sending me a failure like you".

    She's never apologised for that comment & I've had to live with this sense of disapproval and low self worth ever since. Whatever I do is criticised, she tells me what cosmetic surgery I should have to correct my face and praises up my foster sisters in my presence all the time.

    I do love her & have told her so but I need to be released from the desire for her approval. I am a good person and have achieved a lot in my life & have a loving family of my own. It hurts so much!

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  35. "I've had to live with this sense of disapproval and low self worth ever since." ... I pray you find a sense of approval and self worth from yourself. Believe in yourself-- focus on all of the positives and try to create a happy and positive perspective. I am thinking of you! All my best!

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  36. Hi I found this blog by typing i "how to deal with critical parents" too. My dad is critical of everything, I tend not to take too much notice or ask for his opinion on anything- there wouldnt be much point. OIf I ever ask for his advice he will just tell me to shut up, be quiet or tell me he doesn't want to talk about it. So I don't bother asking anymore. I can talk to him maybe about something on the news, or the tv. Thats about it. I dont know when he last asked me about work. Maybe he might say how are you? I will reply fine thanks you? >>> yes, I'm great he'll say. I didnt speak to him for 6 weeks recently after he shouted at me for being ungrateful.

    My mom, i have to say shes amazing, she would do anything for me in the practical sense, looking after my pets, getting the car fixed, weeding the garden, picking up groceries, going out shopping, she would listen to me talk about work and my friends all day long. She would always put me and my brother first its always been the same. But she is just so critical. Nothing I ever say is good enough, I'm desperate to make a change in my job as my career is very pressurised and its making me ill. she just doesn't get it and any suggestion I make she says it stupid and not thought out. In the end I come up with a million ideas only to be told they are all stupid and I change my mind too often. Everytime I have a problem I turn to her only for us to argue and make the situation worse. I feel like my self esteem is at an all time low.

    Thanks for your advice its good to know that I'm not the only one. Hope I can make some changes.

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    Replies
    1. We have such similar stories! You're definitely not alone, and at least we will never turn into our critical parents.

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  37. Good evening,

    Thank you so much for writing and posting this article.

    Google brought me here as well, searching on 'how to forgive a critical parent'. My father oscillated between playing distant uncle when I was down, and my worst tormenter whenever I succeeded. He never helped me learn anything, yet blamed me for all of my faults, always saying he already knew I couldn't do. He attended all of my cousin's sporting events, yet was busy for all of mine. He told me I had to earn my way into the family, yet all of my cousin's were accepted without condition. Whenever I actually managed a small success, it was ignored, made light of, ridiculed, compared as failure with my cousins, or one-upped (i.e. no matter what I accomplished, there was ALWAYS another step to take, and it was always a step I hadn't taken).

    The worst part of all this is that I thought I was a complete failure, ashamed to ask for anything, as each time I asked I was ridiculed for asking. And the response never came in private or over the phone, it was always in public in front of others, where he would taunt me until I broke down.

    I've read your article a dozen times, and I imagine I'll need to read it a dozen more ;-) Thanks again,

    Anonymous.

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  38. Thank you so much for this blog and the cooments shared by other readers. I too found by Google - my initial search was 'senior mother critical of middle-aged daughter' I am humiliated and have humiliated myself further by raging at my 77 year old mother who persisted in trotting out our lifetime script of why I couldn't "dress like that" in Nevada - a Laura Ashley skirt - but I realize it's not me but her - I am to catch a plane at the beginning of a two-day journey back to Europe where I have lived all my adult life - I have put the miles between us but see it increasingly tough as she gets health issues and loneliness with age. Louise L Hay does good books on this - also search Princess syndrome if you're an over achiever. I am so grateful for your comforting loving words. Am a little calmer but have to go back and rebuild myself - a big hug to you all - you are not alone; you are good .

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  39. Thanks for your blog. I live miles away in India. And I guess narcissistic and critical parents are not limited by culture or borders !

    Personally I face a different problem. My in laws are narcissistic. But my parents are an entirely different story. They are not critical of us as such. But they are critical if everything else under the sun. If we go out to lunch, they always complain about the food, the service, the place. If we go out to a movie, the hall is bad, the doctors and nurses at the hospital are bad and want to rip them off. My ears ring with the string if complaints. I don't understand how to deal with them. I have specifically asked them not to criticise my sons coaches and educators in front if him.

    To add to it, they stay 2 mins away from us, and my in laws stay 2 mins away too. I feel as if we are in a blender. :(

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  40. Thank you for sharing...

    I will definitely have to print this out. My father is very critical of me and my weight along many other things. It hurts more than he will ever know. He has been this way my entire childhood and adult life. A lot of times I feel lost because of this. Thank you so much for sharing. I finally feel I am not alone.

    Lora

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  41. Bravo for posting this incredibly useful advice! I have sent it to my adult daughter, who is having difficulties dealing with her father's criticism and judgmental attitudes. Excellent blog!! THANK YOU

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  42. I've just read your article for the very first time, and it will not be the last. I am in tears; tears of sorrow, tears of relief, tears of thanks. To say I have had critical, harsh, perfectionistic parents is putting is kindly. To read your words of encouragement, and to know your story gives me hope. I have let my fathers abandoment and my mothers criticisims completely tear me down as a human being; I cannot be around my mother without coming away a totally broken person each and every time. And it has gotten so much worse with her most recent illness, I now have to spend a great deal more time with her, someting I've avoided as much as possible up to this point. But, with finding your blog, I now have something to focus on when I walk away from her, a new realizaiton that the fact that absolutely nothing can make her happy is NOT MY FAULT, even though she tells me it is! SHE is the one that is broken, NOT ME! When I have been away from her for a while, I become happy, clear-headed, joyful, energetic, fun-loving, I become ME!!! I now need to be about learning to be ME even when I'm with her, and I belive that as you've suggested, taking a stand and clearly but lovingly letting her know that her critisisms are no longer welcome is a wonderful place to start - thank you for being here and sharing your story!!!

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  43. this was written 3 years ago and it still helps! I have just come on here to also look at how to deal with critical parents and glad i am not the only one! the post really helps, and it has also helped looking at others comments on here. I have been at home now for under a week and always since day one feel so emotionally week and drained and cannot stay here any longer feeling this way. Even though i feel bad that i am not spending enough time with my mum, for my own sake i need to leave. Your post has helped me, i know i will need a few days like others on here when i leave to initially recover emotionally. I hope in the long run i can stop my own criticisms inside myself, and i hope i never do this to my own children!

    thanks again for the post
    x

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  44. Thank you so much for this blog site. I'm at the beginning of my journey....finally at the age of 48 realizing I am the way I am because of a critical, overbearing mother. Putting into words the way I feel or the emotions I have is still quite difficult. A recent visit to a psychiatrist has set me straight and am now seeking the knowledge I need to think, feel, make decisions on my own. I married a very critical man as well ...sooooooo...I have my work cut out for me !! :-) I rarely go home to see my parents as usually leave the visit feeling worthless....my feelings ridiculed not vocally but the body language !!
    Anyhow I am rambling...thx to all who contribute and best wishes on this journey to self awareness and positive living !! God Bless

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  45. Thank you so much...thanks for the blog site. I am not a worthless, useless, stupid man. I am a good looking, smart, driven, loving and sensitive, accomplished young man with a music career that's moving up and forward. My dad and step mom just never appreciated my 3.925 GPA and my growing business as a freelance music producer and audio engineer. I am not a loser. They are fearful and unhappy.

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  46. Thank You :)

    I'm 19 now and my mom has been this way forever. Its left me(and I still feel this way) empty and still yearning for that love and approval and attention, etc(I fear this may be sought out in a negative or defeatist way ).

    I just want to make love a priority in my life.

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    Replies
    1. ... and make yourself a priority in life too :) All my best to you.

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  47. I have just found this site, and know that my parents are critical and narcissists - even go so far as to say they're sociopaths, as my late wife told me when she was alve..

    anyway, kindness hurts, it makes me feel that the people in the world that show it to me are not genuine and that they're telling that I'm slow or disabled mentally..

    I guess that I am torn between doing nothing more with my life, or for finding the kindness and the love that is there for me by other people... - I don't know how to accept this though, and would like to know how to...

    my mother and father mocked kindness and affection, and showed me that i am unworthy or above it and need attention to show that i should be cast down for making mistakes, that it is forbidden to think about things and anything I take a pride in is smashed to the ground and in pieces.

    I have hardly any social skills, and I don't know what it is like to accept kindness either - but I am sure it is there for someone...

    and other people are kind to eachother, but that is something I want and don't know how to accept, but it is there and it's not from my parents, for they scorn and criticise me for making mistakes, and my mother says it is good that I don't make mistakes, that it is good that i don't spend any more money on helping myself, as she obviously sees the change in me, and I am sick sick sick of all the people who tell me to go back to my parents, despite them being abusive emotionaly and what used to be physically by my mother and threats by my father...

    also, I am ready to die. I am so aware that anything personal I have is known and shared between many people and is not for me to keep to myself - even when i do people seem to know my business!!!

    and yet i'm not famous :os

    anyway, I don't know what this is leading to, so I will sign off now, saying that I am glad it is not PTSD but it is criticism that has screwed me over...

    as someone else says, it is so difficult to show what the parents have been doing, and it is difficult for me to socialize and show people that I'm normal and just like them..

    for I have been told that I am highly intelligent, and I realize that everyone on this board is, because we all know that we were abused!

    thanks for reading

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    1. I certainly understand where you are coming from and feel deeply for you. Do you have anyone you can talk to about all of this?

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  48. Thank you for this article. I found this in a frustrated state of mind.

    My mother can never be happy at anything that I do-- she will find faults in everything. She asks me of great sacrifices while not making even minor compromises herself. She takes my father down with her thinking and words-- poisoning his mind against everything/everyone he likes. I do not know how he still manages to remain sane (especially after retirement).

    Even when I do everything she wants-- sometimes really big changes in my life to satisfy her, she remains as critical as ever. I never see her happy and all my life I have tried to make her so.

    This is simply a very frustrating situation to be in.

    But your article helps put things into perspective. I already was thinking on those lines-- but getting an affirmation from another person gives me a sense of validation. Thank you.

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  49. Like everyone else, I am glad that I came across your post and am relieved to know that I am not alone dealing with a critical parent. I was contemplating if I should start taking antidepressant yesterday. Thanks for sharing.

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  50. Thank you for this beautifully written, articulate and insightful article.

    I've grown up with a father who was always, and continues to be, extremely critical of me and my mother. He's called me lazy, and constantly criticises and implies that I am, and this has become one the biggest factors affecting my life that I feel I am not good enough for. I know I am not, I know that in my heart, and I have and am capable of achieving a lot, but because the things I do do not match up with what he thinks people/I should do, I devalue myself. I find myself doing things just to please him, which he never sees. For many, many years now I try to avoid which ever room he's in in the house. I believe he had a difficult and critical childhood, but because he is not reflective, he does not see to break this pattern. The reflective and sensitive people here are the ones who will, and will have warmer, loving and stronger families and relationships for it.

    There is never any need to hurt another person, emotionally or otherwise. Unconditional love is the most important thing a parent can show you, but a critical parent is oblivious to this. Criticism from them (in that specific critical parent way they offer it) means that their love for you is dependant on who you are and what you do. [How it makes the child feel, regardless of whether this is their intention].

    Anyway.... just a big thank you for your lucid article! Such a help!

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  51. Thank you so much!! All this seems obvious on the face of it... but the more I think about every point I can see how effective this is... I feel frustrated that I dint come across this earlier... myself having to deal with an over critical father who couldn't appreciate my college, life or anything I did... this has surely helped me and will continue to do so :)

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  52. thanx , it really helped me a lot.

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  53. thanks so much. i guess i kinda came to the internet for comfort. my dad has been criticizing me since before i could even remember. when he begins to put me down in front of my mom, she agrees maybe because she is afraid to say any thing against him. my dad has physically abused my mom 4 times since i was born. the first time was when i was 5 and i can still see it happening in my head. i know now why i would always come to him when ever i achieved anything knowing he was only going to say something hurtful. im in college now and he refuses to give any money or cosign a loan for me to dorm. therefore im a freshman at college and im living in this hell. i try to distance my self from him but what ever i do he always seems to find something to say back that used to kill me a little inside. some times i just want to scream. well i just wanted to say that this was very helpful and i will keep coming back to it for support.

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  54. Hello, I'm Jeremiah, 15 yrs. old, and I live with critical family members.

    All of them are being very critical and strict towards me. Since I'm the youngest of the family, they always expect me to become quiet when I being scolded, think & act maturely, and they always blame me even though I do not did something wrong. Since I was in 3rd Grade, I always cry but all of them are angry at me when I vent all my anger and my emotions , so I have to keep my emotions and secretly vent it out on social media. Then whenever I'm being scold, I cannot vent my feelings because it's a sign of disrepect. But they disrespect me too. What should I do now, I always cry secretly on my bedroom and sometimes I need to coverup my feelings.

    Thank you very much

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    1. I am very sorry to read about the situation in which you are living. Do you have a close family member or friend in which you can confide and with which you can speak? Do you have a counselor at school in which you may confide and with which you can speak? I recommend not using social media in which to vent-- instead find a trusted source in to which you can relay your emotions and feelings. Stay strong and positive. As with everything in life, this shall pass and brighter days are ahead. Keep believing in yourself.

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  55. I'm in tears reading these comments.. I don't want to hit my forties, sixties, seventies still being in tears whenever my mother is around. Every conversation with her turns into an argument or her insulting me about my hair, weight, clothes. I am desperately trying not to become the critical person that she is, as much as I love her and admire other qualities about her. Her criticisms hurt the most. Ironically enough, my dad is experiencing something similar with his mom (my grandma) that led to them no longer speaking. I don't want to ever NOT have a relationship with my mother, but her attitude towards me gets exhausting. I've been suicidal & self-mutilating in my teens because of girls who bullied me & spread rumors in high school; I lived through the years of that only by God's grace & love but at 25 it doesn't help that my mother is now the "bully". Everytime I try to tell her how her comments and words hurt me, SHE gets angry and starts shouting & screaming at me. You can almost see the steam coming out her ears, like in those cartoons. I work at the company that my mom is CEO of, for a summer job and (which extended into me working there after I finished college, because the company wanted me to stay to fill a position). At work she criticizes me and says "I'm not your mother here I'm your boss" but funny enough her words to me at home don't differ much when she's "mother". I've prayed for months on end for a new job and I'm currently in the transition out of this job (thank god) into a new one in an industry I love; advertising. My mom recently made a statement about my hair and I ended up changing hairstyles just so she'd stop taunting me, and today, in my last week before y new job, she's going off about my NEW hairstyle; she said "finally" when I first did it n now she hates it. I am tired & frustrated. I'm an only child, and a young girl who just wants a relationship with her mother (I grew up with my mom alone), but she makes it very painful to be around her. I tell her of my successes, she forgets. I tell her about things going on in my life, she either forgets or says I'm being too sensitive. She doesn't even remember the name of the company I got the new job with 3 wks ago. I'm afraid she'll never get it or change. I don't know what to do next because I don't want to go down the road of totally removing her from my life.

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  56. I came across this article as I was researching parents who criticize. My parents have both been toxic in their own way. I was never good enough for my mother. When I was a child I was always compared to a girl in my class who was the teacher's pet. Dawnie (their nickname for her) does this, Dawnie does that. Why can't you be more like Dawnie? What's wrong with you? The phrase "what's wrong with you was a constant mantra. When I surpassed this girl academically, my mother found someone else to compare me to, when that person got pregnant in her teens, while I was successful in school, it switched to someone else. When I entered the university and my cousin went to technical school, it was "why can't you be more like him? What's wrong with you? Nevermind that he was sponging off his parents, skipping class, spending the day in bars and getting high, while I was earning good grades. Nevermind that he spent 7 years working toward a 2 year degree and never quite got around to getting that degree.

    When I was accepted to law school, my mother told me that I'd better not go to law school and that if I dared to go to law school, not to expect a single penny from them. I had held jobs since I was 14, worked all through high school and college, and had paid for over half my education with my own earnings. My parents contributed some, but looking back and considering what college cost back then it was much cheaper than now) they probably spent less on me than if I had lived at home. Not that I am ungrateful for their contributions, but still, I was responsible and contributed, too. In any case, I attended law school and they were true to their word. The sad part is that for me, it was not even about the money. Had they told me they were proud of me, but that they couldn't afford it anymore or even just that I would have to pay for it myself, that would have been just fine. It was the fact that my mother tried to force me to drop out of school and didn't care in the slightest about my future that really hurt.

    Now I'm successful, with a career and a husband and children of my own. I have tried to raise my children differently, though I know I'm not perfect. My oldest is now looking at colleges and the process has made my old issues with my parents resurface. I was talking on the phone to my mother the other day and she started to become critical of my daughter. I became angry and brought up the fact that she had tried to force me to drop out of school. She denied it. Then she waffled. Then she said that I wasn't really as alone as I thought I was. That comment simply confirmed the fact that she certainly remembered what she did to me and that she had tried to make me feel alone and totally without support, so that I would do what she was trying to force me to do. I am now so incredibly angry. Again. There was no apology from her for what she had tried to do to my life, nor do I think there ever will be an apology.

    As for my father, he just never saw me as a person at all. When he was a child he wanted to play the accordion, but his parents said no. I wanted to play the flute and was told by him that I did not want to play the flute, I wanted to play the accordion. They even called the dentist, who said I couldn't play the flute because I had an overbite.


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  57. As for my father, he just never saw me as a person at all. When he was a child he wanted to play the accordion, but his parents said no. I wanted to play the flute and was told by him that I did not want to play the flute, I wanted to play the accordion. They even called the dentist, who said I couldn't play the flute because I had an overbite. That is so ridiculous that in hindsight I think they faked the call to force me to do as they wanted. My dream was shattered. I caved in and did as I was told. Later, I tried to get out of it but my mother told me that my father was so disappointed in me and that I better stop and think about what I'm doing to my father. Not once did they ever stop and think about what they were doing to me. I hated that accordion. I hated it then, hate it now, and will hate it until the day I die. As for my brother, he wanted to play the drums and they let him do that, then he wanted to quit the drums and play the guitar. Sure, no problem! He got to have his dream, but I couldn't have mine. It may seem like a small thing, but it was huge to me. Even to this day, I don't like to tell people what instrument I played as a child because the minute they find out, they make fun of me. People who play the accordion get made fun of. Thanks parents, for a lifetime of that. Why could they not see that I had dreams and hopes?

    I have taken some positive steps. I did not let them force me to drop out of school. I learned to draw boundaries. My father has this habit of hearing "yes" when you have clearly said "no" to something. I have learned not to budge and remind him that I clearly told him "no". I have drawn a clear line when it comes to my children. They are not allowed to compare them to anyone and I tell them that my children are wonderful people and others would be glad to be more like my kids. That shuts them up quickly. When they try to compare my parenting to my brother's and tell me that I should be more like him, I have learned to shut them down. The "what's wrong with you?" of my childhood has been tempered, but they still try once in a while in more subtle ways. As for the flute, I started flute lessons three years ago. I have a wonderful teacher and it has been wonderful to follow one of my passions. It isn't always easy, I don't always want to practice and I'll never be as good as I could have been had I started earlier in life, but it has been liberating. And the look on my parent's faces when I told them I was taking flute lessons was beyond priceless. Shock and shame was written all over them. They knew exactly what they did to me and knew that this time I was was the one with the power to control my life, while they were powerless. I have also learned to speak up. I don't have to keep silent, I don't have to accept what they did. I can tell the truth about what they did. I can draw boundaries. It has taken me forever to learn that my opinion has value, that I can speak up, that I don't have to accept what they throw at me. I am still so very angry at what they did, which is why I am here, but I am learning.

    Perhaps what they did doesn't seem so bad compared to the horrible abuse I know many of you have suffered. I work with children who have been abused every day and know some families are horrendous. But this is my story and constantly being belittled and told "what's wrong with you, why can't you be more like so-and-so" has taken a huge toll on my life. I am coping, I am getting better at standing up for myself, I finally realize that the world won't end if I stand up for myself, I know that the world won't end if standing up for myself makes my parents mad at me. I know that I have value. But it still hurts.

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  58. This site and information is wonderful. Thank you.

    I am much older than most of you, but am still "dealing" with a narcissistic critical father. I had managed to distance myself from him a bit, and then my mother passed away. I am an only, so have never had the heart to completely end my relationship with him. I am motivated by a desire to stave off feelings of guilt when he dies (he is 90). Like yourself and some of the others here, I have experienced not just extreme criticism of myself, but also of my children. I believe he knows that the way to really get under my skin is to attack my husband and children. I am conscious of a) not wanting my children to feel about me the way I feel about him and b)that I am teaching my children how to treat me as I age. So I tolerate a lot. He is after all the only family I have.

    I have found that over the years of constant attacks, I now view a lot of relationships through the lens of self loathing and insecurity. I have little confidence that anyone will actually like or love me (I am unlovable in my view). I don't bounce back from any sort of setback, I just see it as evidence that my father was right all along. I feel pathetic that I still have hope that one day I will do something to gain his approval.

    I too have been to therapy on and off for years. Some of it is helpful. What I have found helpful is finding that there are others who are going through life struggling with this. Thank you all for sharing.

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  59. Hi there. I found your blog the other day, started to read it and realized my parents are very similar to yours. I've been dealing with this for four decades too, and over the holidays I determined I had enough. I decided to see a therapist, which is the best decision I've made in a long time. She suggested I create a game for when I talk to my parents on the phone (we moved far, far away ten years ago.) When they push a hot button, I get a point. When I get enough points, I can reward myself any way I wish. That way, I get some enjoyment out of our conversations, because I score a ton of points every time they are bigoted, critical, backstabbing, oversharing, interrupting, etc. etc. I'm looking forward to a much happier life for myself by building better boundaries with my parents and trying to find the humor it it all. Thank you for your site.

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  60. Well, at least I haven't got it as bad as some people. My dad always critisizes EVERYTHING I do and some things my mum does. It's stupid. This has given me hope! At least I still have my mum beside me, she's loving and caring, but I've got to put up with this for another 6/7 years! I'll cope somehow though.

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  61. I just wanna say thank you! for posting this. This did actually make me feel better. Its really hard to live with a critical parent who is always dissapointed by every decision you make. Especially when they bring up old mistakes that happened months and years ago(i find this actually funny sometimes, they just act like i havent learnt from it). Anyway, its not like its so devistating to have a judgemental parents per say. I mean there are worse things that could happened to us in the world its just it WEARS you down! Alot over the years. But your right, just because they decided not to chanage doesnt mean i cant change and i refuse to continue that awful cycle. I love them but ill love the people more who listens and works with me! and sees me as a whole both good and bad (not just the bad side). Thanks Again!

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  62. My father is a failure financially, though he was a brilliant engineer when he worked for other companies. Almost went bankrupt three times. I bailed him out several times, though he still has tantrums and says very depreciating things about me to me. He now lives under my roof because he almost was left homeless with debts, but he believes he is an "elite athlete" intelligent, an expert, etc. etc. calls other relatives "weak" spoiled etc. he is 85, completely out of touch with human beings, put our child down in front of her, attacks me almost daily - verbally. I am counting down the days till he leaves my house for a diffent content or that he relieves himself of being around us "rednecks" and dies. Though he put me through college, it was with threats that I would amount to a burger flipper if I took a break….etc. etc. I have to pray to God every minute I am with him that I can blow off his sexist, mean, oppositional, decisive comments. He really is a failure as a father and a grandfather. My daughter is starting to hate him for all the mean things he says. He is toxic.

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  63. Thank you. I have extremely critical parents and I go to therapy for it. I'm an adult now but they haven't stopped. I find myself being defensive a lot. I also try to fix it. They will never approve of me and this article really helped. So much hit home for me.

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  64. Thank you so much for this. I have a very critical mother and reading this article (and the many comments that followed) makes me feel less alone in dealing with it. I think you're right that the first step is to stop looking for her approval and accept I'll never get it--not to mention, learn not to internalize her criticism. I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one dealing with this so it has nothing to do with me in particular or my worth as a person.

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  65. Thank you for this article. I have a very critical, controlling, narcissistic and insecure father and my mother is passive (easily controlled and manipulated by him). Nothing me or my siblings did growing up was ever good enough for him and he was always emotionally abusive (at certain points in our teen years was physically abusive). Even now when we are in our mid 20`s and 30`s he still acts this way (except no physical abuse)

    I moved out with my boyfriend (now husband) almost 6 years ago and still get flack for it. And since I have moved out my dad has gotten even worse. He now makes a point to bully my husband and criticize his career choice. Nothing my husband and I do seems good enough for my dad. There has been so much negativity that my husband wants nothing to do with my parents (I don`t blame him because my dad has always been a jerk). Here`s the funny thing..my husband is a very loving and caring man (the opposite of my father) and my husband is a successful medical doctor. My dad had a decent job in Computing (he`s retired now), but because of my dad`s insecurities and narcissistic personality he just constantly puts down my husbands career choice and other doctors. It`s like he enjoys making others feel like shit. It hurts alot because my husband has done nothing wrong, but of course in my dad`s mind he just can`t accept my husband for some weird messed up reason (though it`s probably his insecure and narcissist personality) We shouldn't have to deal with this crap all the time. I`ve mentioned this negative criticism to my dad but he never seems to care or listen.

    I know that I`m an adult but the abuse and negativity still affects me. I feel that when I have children my parent`s will continue with the negative criticism and I just can`t handle it. They won`t change and I don`t want my children or husband to have to deal with that when they don`t deserve it. It makes me want to break off from my parents completely.

    I`ve tried to fix things but I don`t think that I can ever change my dad. This article was well written and it is helpful to know that others have gone through struggles as well. Thank you

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