Dysfunctional Family Dynamics Continue | My APD Brother Visits

 

I missed my brother. I hadn't seen him in over 10 years and although I know the mess that he is (Adult Child in Crisis and Antisocial Personality Disorder), I still missed him. My husband and I had planned to go up to see him several times through the last couple of years, but either money was tight or my brother was a bigger mess than ever. Trips were planned then rescheduled but we had intent on going up to see him.

We wanted to go up to see him on his turf, that way we had control of our environment and what our child was / wasn't exposed to. I felt more comfortable going up there and staying in a hotel than bringing him down here where he would be in our home and we could be put into awkward or compromising situations (drugs, his behavior, etc).

Push came to shove, and more years passed without getting to see my brother so one day when he and I were texting, he mentioned how he was free to come visit. I found cheap plane tickets, got the approval of my husband, and boom, the tickets were purchased by me (my brother made it clear he had no money to pay for plane tickets, but flying him down here was cheaper than flying all three of us up there).

Pretty much right after I bought the tickets, I started having remorse about bringing him down to our home because he immediately started with the parties he wanted to attend, where he needed me to drive him, and more. As a side note, we live about an hour away from all the things he wanted me to drive him to. I also started to fret about whether or not he'd bring drugs into my house. The icing on the cake was when he announced, point blank, that he would be arriving with "no money". Say what!? I just bought the plane tickets and now he's announcing he would have "no money".

I ended up crafting an email that I sent to him, specifically laying out all expectations and rules, as well as what we are willing to do and not do. I started off with stating he WILL bring spending money. I added that we won't be taxing him around but if he wants to attend functions he can arrange rides or take a taxi (boy, that would be expensive from where we live!). I also explicitly said that he will not bring drugs into our home for many reasons. He received the email stating "these things didn't need to be said" but agreed to all conditions. Shew, thank goodness that was over. Or so I thought.

Now, when I picked him up from the airport, that was WONDERFUL. He was very warm with me and with meeting his niece for the first time. And our first bit together was wonderful as well. We had big laughs, fun times, and lots of smiles. That was until I received an email from a mutual friend that knew my brother was in town and wanted to let me know about his shenanigans behind my back with my mother. She detailed how he had been emailing my mother pictures of my child even though I strongly stated since her birth that I didn't want him to do so. She also said that he was bad-mouthing me to my mother in order to get in her good favor so she'd buy him things and send him money. She forwarded a few emails that she was included in the communications. I was FLOORED, HEART-BROKEN, and CONFUSED.

I know that my brother is a con-artist. I know he manipulates for survival. AND I knew I wasn't immune to his games. BUT I didn't think he would stoop so low as to include my child. I was up all night trying to process the information I received and to rectify how I was going to proceed with my brother at my house! I decided not to tell my husband of the betrayal as I didn't want him to be angry or have tension during my brother's stay. And I also decided not to say anything to my brother and to carry-on as if nothing happened.

Interestingly enough, the next day, my brother receives a text-message from my mother that she knows he's in-town visiting me. She was very mad at him. Apparently he had told her that he was coming to visit me then told her the plans were cancelled and then never told her that he was actually coming (he did this with Dad too). She found out he was in town with me and flew off the handle, texting him numerous times to "f*&k off" He burst into tears as we sat on the deck of my house, screaming loudly that he wishes she would just die and let him be. What!?!?

Due to having his financial security cut-off from his mother, he ended up texting Dad the next day to tell him that he's in town. My brother told me that his goal was to hit him up for some money. They made plans for lunch. Interesting and BIZARRE (yes, there is that word again!), my Dad made my brother walk up the street to meet him rather than to drive down my driveway. I know NOW why, but then I didn't. I was puzzled as I was going to go out to greet him, be cordial, and see if possibly we could progress from there-- break the ice, so to speak. I know now my weakness was not a good thing. Staying strong is important. Believing in where you've been, where you are now, and where you're going in the future is vital. Read on...

Well, they go out to lunch and upon returning, my brother throws his arms around me and starts to cry, saying, "I love you so much. I appreciate you so much. I know I don't say it enough, so I am saying it now." And he kept hugging me so hard. I was baffled as to where this behavior was all coming from, and I KNEW that the behavior was a case of "he who protests too much." But the how-who-why-what-when was yet to be seen.

That night I get an email in the middle of the night from my sister-in-law:

Hi Gretel,

I left you a voice mail message. I'm concerned how your brother is treating your family situation and I feel that I need to step in at this point to let you know that he's possibly taken advantage of your generosity for his own advantage. I wanted to give you a heads up that he's said some things to possibly make your family situation worse with your relationship with your Dad & step-mother.

Not that it is remotely my place due to the fact I'm a total outsider when it comes to your family's situation but the last thing I want is for your relationship with your Dad to become any more strained because of false pretenses presented by someone with their own agenda.

I love you dearly and I want to make sure that you protect yourself and yours over anything else. I very honestly and truly hope that you and yours are doing well and wish the best on you. You're good people!

I haven't told (my step-brother / her husband) that I've let you know my overhearings and he'll be totally pee----eeeed off if he finds out so please try to keep me out of it best you can otherwise I'll be meshed into the drama and cycle of issues too.

WOAH! My heart was racing a million miles an hour and my head was spinning. What is my brother doing to my family and me under my own roof!?!?! I immediately called her back. She was very quiet as she didn't want my step-brother / her husband to hear what she was saying. She started with the fact that my brother called my step-mother (the one who hasn't spoken to my brother in a decade, the reason my brother didn't attend my wedding) to tell her that my home is out-of-control, my child is spoiled, that my husband & I are "horrible" parents, and much more. I was astounded.

My sister-in-law told me a little of what was said but not much. She simply wanted me to be aware of the dangerous things my brother was spreading about my family in order to get money from my Dad. He apparently made the situation at my house appear that we forced him to spend his money doing all of these kiddy things for our "spoiled" child that he had no money left. And I suppose once he got on a roll and had the attention of the people he's wanted the attention from for so long, that he kept embellishing, building on the fabrications, and created a huge lie that caused my Dad and step-mother to go hysterical.

But hysterical? Really!?!? Why would my step-mother be interested in my business if she hasn't for the last three years? Why would my step-mother take any credence to what my brother is telling her since she has no respect or trust with my brother? The answer lies into everything they are about-- how they've conducted themselves since I was a small child. These people are taken with their own importance (My Dad, the Narcissistic King) and are so insecure they take so much joy in judging others. They insist upon themselves-- and in the process ruin relationships, create so much damage, and cause pain. They are critical parents who will never be kind or approving.

Well, I didn't hold back any of this from my husband. I immediately talked to my husband about the situation, stating that I felt the desire to take my brother down to the airport and drop him off at a Motel 6 until the end of his stay. How could I even look him in the eye!? How could I even sit in the same room as him? I couldn't say anything as I promised my sister-in-law that I would keep it all to myself (she stated that her marriage couldn't endure the drama that this could potentially create), and I completely respect her request. I truly appreciate her openness and also sense of urgency to want to let us know.

My husband agreed to take him to the airport on the morning of his flight, but the rest of his time with us would be AWKWARD. I concentrated all my attention on my child, but I also felt like I was walking in a fog. The day came for him to leave, and although I was more than ready for this EVIL to be out of my house, I was sad about the goodbye as I know it's not just goodbye for now, it's goodbye forever. I can't allow this type of drama, danger, and dysfunction around my child like what happened to me. I will not have another generation cycle through this confusion. I will not have my child trying to figure out what the heck happened to her during her childhood like what happened to me. My child WILL have a happy, care-free, secure, supportive, and unconditionally loving childhood.

So, any thought of allowing my Dad back into my life, even on the superficial level as I was contemplating, has been completely eliminated from my thoughts. Having my brother in my home created the exact results I feared, except the negative actions weren't what I anticipated. No-one has changed. If anything, they have gotten worse. Life is not a game, family members are not pawns, and all the mean, nasty, and hateful behavior is unacceptable in a life that is so short & precious.

What transpired during my brother's visit was a gentle message from above or my guardian angel to not soften-up.... that where I am in my life has been a hard fought battle and that I should guard that happiness, peace, and contentment with all my might... that my child is precious and that a gift like her needs to be protected. I was given the privilege of looking back for one week at what I left: a narcissistic Dad (My Dad, The Narcissistic King), a nasty Queen mother (Understanding My Borderline Mother), a manipulative con-artist brother (Antisocial Personality Disorder), and more. And I say this experience was a privilege because the lesson was immense, no permanent damage resulted, and evil left my home for good.

Now my sweet and simple life continues :)

Antisocial Personality Disorder | Letter to my Brother

The following is part of the letter I sent to my brother in jail about his mental disposition.This letter is in addition to my previous post: Adult Child in Crisis with Personality Disorder Parents and is a detailed synopsis of Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD), including the disorder's origination, how the disease manifests itself before the age of 15, diagnosis criteria, and complications from the disorder. He stated that the entire description fit him and that he would take the letter to a psychiatrist as soon as possible to help with the diagnosis. The following is part of the letter:

I completely understand where you are coming from—feeling like you are mentally tapped. I do think that you can do something about it though. I have been researching and researching for the last 9 months about what could be the cause behind your troubles, and I think that I may have insight to what has been troubling you all of these years. Before I tell you the ‘name’ of it, I want you to read about it. I found a disorder that originates from:

1. Being subjected to verbal, physical or sexual abuse during childhood
2. Having an unstable or chaotic family life during childhood
3. Loss of parents through death or divorce during childhood
4. Absence of parental discipline.
5. Removal from the home.
6. Erratic, inconsistent discipline.
7. Being “rescued” each time the person is in trouble and never having to suffer the consequences of his own behavior.
8. Maternal deprivation and lack of an appropriate “attachment”.

I think that you meet pretty much all 8 of these origination factors… you were subjected to verbal abuse, our family life was very unstable and chaotic starting when you were 10 years old, you lost parents through divorce, the parental discipline was lax at Dad’s house, you were removed from the home at a young age, you have been ‘rescued’ by Dad quite a few times through the years (financially, not emotionally), and I think that the attachment with our mother was not effective due to her mental disposition (unavailable emotionally through large periods of our childhood).

Now, the disorder is also characterized by kids having conduct disorder before the age of 15 years old. In your case, how angry you would get at times: recall when you broke my finger, busted the bathroom door down, busted down Dad’s door to his bedroom, and jumped out of a moving car. These are just a few.

A diagnosis for this order is made if 3 or more of the following are met. I think that you have more than 3 of the 7. What are your thoughts?

1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.
2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying
3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
4. Irritability and aggressiveness
5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations.
7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another

Complications from this disorder include:

1. Depression
2. Anxiety
3. Aggression or violence
4. Suicidal behavior
5. Reckless behavior
6. Alcohol or substance abuse
7. Incarceration
8. Relationship difficulties
9. Social isolation
10. School and work problems
11. Strained relationships with health care providers

Again, I think you have many of these complications as well. And treating simply a complication, such as depression or anxiety, is not treating the actual disorder from where the complication is originating. The complication is simply a symptom of the over-riding disorder. And that’s why the Prozac or whatever hasn’t been really ‘helping’ you, as a symptom / complication is merely being treated (ie: one has the flu, but only takes an antihistamine. Well, the runny nose may be gone BUT the flu is still there). The disorder needs to be treated, not just the depression / anxiety or whatnot.

So, overall, I think this disorder may be what has complicated your life for so long. How the disorder originates (8 points), how the disorder manifests itself before the age of 15, the diagnosis criteria (7 points), and the complications of the disorder (11 points) seem pretty spot-on for what you have been going through for decades. What are your thoughts?

One may have a very small back problem at birth—maybe a back problem that would never even is a big deal. But when the individual is around 10 years old, a bunch of stuff happens to aggravate that back problem, causing it to become more pronounced. And as life goes on, the back problem becomes more of a focus. This back with a disorder, left unattended, can affect one’s life negatively with pain, complications, and challenges. However, once the back problem is attended to by a professional, one is able to lead a pain-free, less complicated, and less challenging life. So, even though the mind is something people can’t see on the outside, just like the back, the mind can lead to troubles if problems are left unattended.

Well, I hope this helps. I think that if you are able to have a proper evaluation and diagnosis, that you will be able to deal with what is really going on with you. I think that you have been spiraling in a messy tornado, not actually ever dealing with the core issue. The facts surrounding your life are just results of what is really going on in your head… meaning, you can’t just go hold down a job long-term because not holding down a job long-term is a result of how your brain is misleading you. You lie because of how your brain is misleading you. You have been doing the things you do because of how your brain is leading you… and until you have this straightened out, the other factors continue the way they have been in the past. As one of my favorite quotes says, “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten”. So, change the fundamental way your brain is working.

I hope you don’t feel as if I am over-stepping my boundaries here… but I am so worried about you, and I have spent countless hours (since last July 2008) trying to find out how to help you. I have always believed in you… I will always believe in you. I think you are a good person, I think you mean well, and I think that you have been deeply troubled since you were a little boy. I wish I could wave a magic wand and erase all of the troubles swirling around in your head… but this is something you have to make a big commitment and conscious effort to do yourself. Your brain is just that—YOURS. And until you want to make yourself happy, in control of your own life, and peaceful, there’s no one else that can take you there. You are the pilot of your own destiny.

The stuff that happened to you as a child and teenager are in the past. Let it go. Free yourself. The things that happened in your 20’s are in the past—same with your 30’s. What you DO have is what is ahead. And what is ahead is what you make of it. You can make it happy… or you can make it not happy. Yes, you have some things that are tough with finances—but a TON of people have that too. You have to decide to manage your life because it’s your life to manage. You have to decide that you are worth it. Not because I want you to… or because your fiance wants you to… or because your kids want you to… you have to decide to manage your life because YOU want to.

Changing the way you think is hard work. But you can do it. You have to make a conscious effort every day to redirect the path of your thinking. And with a psychiatrist as a tool to help, you will be able to conqueror the demons in your head and lead the life that you want. You said you are sorry in your letter—well the best way to say your sorry is to make a change and show you mean it. Like I said, I believe in you: YOU, your soul, you as a person, you as my brother, you as my friend, and you as one of the people I love the very most in the whole wide world. And I want you to love yourself that much. You’re going to have to dig deep.

Well, I hope all this helped. I will be happy to write to you about any of this. I only want the best for you—and I want you to lead the life that makes you happy, complete, and fulfilled. And obviously you haven’t been leading that life. I don’t know what else I can do other than offer my emotional support, as well as the information that I have researched and studied for the past 9 months. Please take this information in the light it’s presented and know that I love you with all of my heart. The disorder’s name is Antisocial Personality Disorder.