Childhood Passport Filled with Toxic Guilt Trips

Ahhh, Those Guilt Trips

I went on so many trips with my parents that I can't even begin to count them. These trips weren't fun trips, however. They weren't vacations, get-aways, or holidays-- these trips were guilt trips. My parents managed to guilt trip me all the way into adulthood. Somehow, I always felt a great deal of responsibility and fault.

With a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother and a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Dad, they were both masters at creating guilt trips. I tried and tried and tried to make each of them happy, walking on eggshells, at the expense of receiving none. That 'none' is the toll of living in such a relationship.

Childhood Passport Filled with Guilt Trips

So what exactly is a guilt trip? Guilt trips are about violating boundaries, controlling someone, and a method of manipulating through indirect and passive-aggressive tactics. Toxic guilt is associated with a desire to apologize, make reparations, and be forgiven for something for which you don't have responsibility. Toxic guilt stems from a focus on bad behavior that already occurred, is a negative and confidence crushing feeling, and is a matter of one's conscience. Toxic guilt is a tool used to make someone feel badly.

On another note, guilt can be 'good'. Good guilt makes you pay attention to the feelings of others and makes you feel badly if you hurt someone. It also redistributes emotional distress so that the wronged person doesn’t end up being the only one feeling poorly. Good guilt makes us apologize for wrong-doings and compels us to do things we don’t really want to.

When you're brought up in an environment where you have been unfairly blamed for the wrongs of others, emotionally abused, or pitted against one parent by the other, the adult child may not have the ability to stop feeling guilty-- this is toxic guilt. Absorbing feelings of guilt, accepting blame, and being passive contribute to the guilty feelings. This early pattern of accepting other's guilt creates difficulty with stopping feelings of guilt about the past.

Guilt trips are a very powerful tool, and I had a challenge with guilt trips and toxic guilt from my parents for many decades. In addition to the guilt, I started to have symptoms of anxiety starting in the mid-late 1990's. I believe the anxiety is a result from the long-term guilt I was experiencing compounded by the post traumatic stress that I experienced from the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and emotional abuse from my parents' personality disorders.

As a child after very traumatic experiences I had when my parents were tugging at my brother and me, I distinctively remember thinking , "I know I am handling this stress right now, but long term repercussions will show up later in life." I could feel internally the knots and sickness from the stressful & abusive experiences and buried it all deeply. I was a strong pillar for my brother and myself, but no matter how strong I was, I still had that guilt nagging at me with almost every decision I made that involved my parents. I never felt like I could win-- all the way up to the last estrangement with each parent (mother 2004; Dad 2008)

I have so many stories I could tell about the guilt trips I experienced through out 30 years; however, I have picked out a select few:

• I can truly say that I was ripped in half during my parents separation and divorce, initiating in 1979. No matter what I chose, one parent was hurt or rejected. This scenario was not my doing, and my parents shouldn't have created such a scenario; however, they did-- and my brother & I suffered with traumatic, stressful, and decisions NO CHILD should EVER have to make. Choosing one parent over the other is HORRIBLE... and creates a guilt ridden situation that is a no win. To this day, I can't have a relationship with both parents at the same time. Note that my parents will say they didn't make my brother and I choose, and they will also say that we can have both of them in our lives at the same time. The Reality: The truth is that all FACTS surrounding the respective relationships illustrate that (1) we had to choose one parent over the other and (2) how we HAVE NOT had both parents in our life at the same time consistently.
  
• When my parents separated in 1979, my brother and I lived with my mother while my Dad lived in an apartment about 2 miles away. My Dad would intercept me during my walk to elementary school and give me a ride. During that ride, he would cry and tell me how horrible life was without my brother and me. He would proclaim how much he missed us. Seeing him cry and hearing him profess how miserable he was truly played on my heart strings and I felt incredibly guilty for residing with my mother and leaving him all alone. The Reality: my brother and I were subjected to Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) as children, which this was one of the examples where my Dad inflicted the emotional abuse. With PAS, one parent tries to turn the child(ren) against the other parent.
  
• In 1979 when my brother and I moved into my Dad's apartment, my Dad aided and abetted a heart-wrenching situation at Christmas. My brother and I were supposed to visit with my mother and decorate the Christmas tree. Due to overwhelming feelings of not being loyal to my Dad and also being very scared of my mother due to the PAS my Dad inflicted, my brother and I decided not to visit with my mother. I felt incredibly guilty imagining my mother all alone with the bare tree sitting there surrounded by boxes of decorations. For more on this story, visit Who Dunnit 1980 The Reality: my brother and I made decisions as children based on the severe PAS subjected by my Dad. My mother to this day holds my brother and me accountable as if we were adults at the time making these decisions. Multiple layers of guilt exists with this example.
  
• In the early 1980's, I resided with my mother. She would have me call my Dad with a script of what to say. Additionally, she had the phone hooked up to a recording device. If I didn't follow her instructions, she would berate me on how my Dad is so horrible and how he has taken advantage of her and me. Not wanting to create a miserable living experience with my mother, I would follow her command and make the calls. The guilt I felt after the calls was immense. The Reality: Being a child under emotionally abusive conditions, I should have not felt guilty for which actions I was not responsible. My mother subjected me to Parental Alienation Syndrome (which this example is just one of many where my mother took extraordinary efforts to hurt my Dad), and I felt very guilty about how my Dad was being alienated and treated.
• In the late 1980's, my mother and I were estranged; however, she made contact with me by showing up at one of my jobs. My Dad caught wind that my mother was trying to reenter my life. Subsequently, he showed up at one of my jobs to tell me that if I started communicating with my mother again that he would disown me. I mulled over the decision to open communications with my mother, and the guilt that I felt about choosing one parent over the other was very troubling and clouded my thought process. The Reality: Having to choose one parent over the other is extremely heart-wrenching and creates a huge fall-out in one's emotions, as no matter what your choice is, you hurt someone. My parents should have never subjected my brother and me to this treatment from childhood to present.
  
• My mother was diagnosed with an illness in the early 1990's. I had opportunities for incredible career and salary growth; however, due to my mother pleading about how she was so ill that I couldn't leave her, I opted not to take the promotions. Her guilt trips halted my career growth as I felt stifled that any decision I made would leave her deserted in her time of illness and need. The Reality: I am the only one that can to control my life and to manage my life. Making decisions based on the guilt laden statements is not sensible or reasonable-- however, at the time, the guilt trips clouded my decision making and ultimately caused decisions that were not in my best interest.
  
• My mother and I would get together every Monday for shopping and dinner in the early to mid-1990's. If canceled, she would send me on a guilt trip. I rarely canceled as the repercussions were worse than the joy I would have had with the friend / event. The Reality: a relationship based on control and guilt is not authentic. I was always searching for an authentic relationship with my mother and feeling forced into weekly visits with her only furthered the feeling of an inauthentic relationship.
  
• In the late 1990's, my Dad and I started visiting often. During this time, he would slip me money in private. He would always tell me to keep it to myself and not say anything to anyone. I was very touched that he was thinking of me and reaching out to me: planning ahead to give me the money, pulling me away from the rest of the group, and showing interest in me. I felt guilty for the time that had lapsed in our relationship when we didn't have contact. The Reality: I found out years later that the money he was slipping me was from my grandmother's death-- the money that she left me that he never gave me when she passed away. So, not only should I have not wasted time feeling guilty for the time that lapsed in our relationship as I was not the only player in the situation, but I shouldn't have been so gullible to his overly generous gestures. Our prior estrangement was due to my Dad not paying for my college (which he was legally obligated to do per the divorce agreement where he obtained all the equity in the house from my mother in exchange for paying my brother's and my undergraduate college expenses), claiming me as a dependent after I had not resided with him for 8 years which prohibited me from attaining scholarships & grants, and dropping me from the group car insurance without telling me until I discovered I was driving with no insurance 6 months after the fact. People don't change, and I gave him too much credit, thus fell for it hook, line, and guilt trip.
  
• When I met my future husband in 2000 and I knew our relationship was going to blossom into a life long journey, I fretted how I was going to handle a wedding. No matter what situation I imagined for my wedding, I felt guilty about the situation in which someone would be placed, whether my birth father, Dad, or step-father, siblings, or mother. No matter what I imagined, someone would be uncomfortable-- and that included me. My wedding was a no-win situation and one that I felt guilty about even before any wedding plans were made. The Reality: In the end, no amount of worry or guilty feelings prevented my mother from flying off the deep-end about my wedding. My mother was ready to be mad at me no matter, and we are still estranged to this day. I should have aimed to please myself and my fiance without worrying about trying to please everyone else as well.
  

The power of guilt is overwhelming. Guilt can cloud your decision making, lead to anxiety, and make your life your life one convoluted mess. Andrew Vachss in You Carry the Cure in Your Own Heart says: They use guilt the same way a loan shark uses money: They don’t want the “debt” paid off, because they live quite happily on the “interest.”

By the way, my debt is paid. I have stopped feeling guilty. And I can say that the guilt stopped when I took control of MY LIFE and started making decisions that were best for me. I stopped feeling guilty when I reassured myself that I am doing the best I can and that my parents are the ones treating our relationship with carelessness, disrespect, and abuse. Believing in myself and understanding my past have been powerful tools in combating guilt. And knowing that I am leading my life towards my aspirations and vision are incredibly liberating.

The Effects of Guilt Trips

With constant toxic guilt, a series of emotions and altered the state & structure of the brain can be experienced. Guilt can be immobilizing, cause anxiety & insomnia, and affect mental stability. Toxic guilt leads to the mind denying access to natural feelings that are now blocked. The guiltier one feels, the ability to make effective and healthy decisions is decreased.

Guilt can also have many negative effects on not just the mind but also on the body. "Guilt could potentially immobilize you. You can become so overcome by the fear of doing, acting, saying, or being 'wrong' that you eventually collapse, give in, and choose inactivity, silence, and the status quo" James Messina from "Handling Guilt".

How to Stop Taking Guilt Trips

• Understand Yourself: be clear about who you are, what you want, and what you are willing to do. Acknowledging each of these assists in dealing with the abuser's agenda. Having this clarity makes you less vulnerable to the control of guilt trips.
  
• Just Say No: communicate your limits and take control when someone is trying to lay a controlling guilt trip on you. Pleasantly agree to disagree. Be prepared for a reaction from the abuser that (1) you are being difficult or (2) attempting to place blame on you for creating a conflict by disagreeing. The abuser may even take the situation so far as to expect you to 'fix' the relationship if the result of you disagreeing throws him / her over the edge-- expecting an apology or promise to not disagree again. Stick to your guns and don't do it.
  
• Echo Back: when someone is trying to take you on a guilt trip, echo back what is being communicated to you. For example, "Are you saying that if I don't _____, then I am not being a good son / daughter?"
  
• Ask for Clarification: use his / her words to flip the situation back. For example, "I have the feeling that you are upset because ______. Is that right?"
• Mental Toughness Training: simply put, push yourself over feeling guilty: (1) tell someone how you feel (2) be ready to stand up for your beliefs (3) be ready for the challenges that will come your way (4) let go of the guilty feelings (5) be ready to fight and continue to fight to keep control of the situation
• See a Trained Professional: through the use of a psychologists, you can explore why you feel guilty and how to not take those guilt trips anymore
  

Overcoming guilt doesn't happen overnight, but with practice, a guilt free life is within reach. If you feel guilty again, go over the decision to think and act for the benefit of your mind, body, and soul again. Continue to practice the points above and know that you ARE worth the efforts! Now that I am guilt free from my parents, I can reflect back and see how controlling the guilt was and how my decisions were guided by these indirect and passive-aggressive tactics. In my situation, I wasn't able to truly break free from the guilt trips and toxic guilt until I was free of my parents. Once I maintained no contact, I have had closure-- I am free.

Characteristics of Adults Shamed in Childhood

shame:
painful emotion caused by a strong sense of
guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.

As an adult child of two parents with personality disorders, I knew when the abuse was actually going on that some after-effects would be experienced later in life. Although I was able to endure the abuse, I knew I deep-sixed some of the feelings. I remember thanking God for giving me a head on my shoulders to know that the abuse was my parents doing-- that what I was going through was a product of their manufacturing. Even so, I knew that somewhere down the line, feelings or results could emerge.

The following list are characteristics of adult children of shamed in childhood by Jane Middleton-Moz. Both my BPD mother and NPD father wielded shame well with their emotional abuse. My personal commentary is in purple, and brief discussion follows the list. If you are an adult child of abuse / shame, I would love to hear from you as well:

1. afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self. This statement doesn't describe me. I don't feel vulnerable and I don't fear exposing myself. I am actually quite the opposite, as I have always been "what you see is what you get", as well as I go after what I want, whether it's meeting a person in a social setting, introducing myself in a professional setting, or trying to get to know myself. In regard to rejection, I realize that everyone is not made for everyone, so if I meet someone that the fit doesn't work, I move on, as there are others out in that sea of life. I thoroughly enjoy meeting new people, being in new situations, and experiencing new things. I am outgoing and gregarious as well.

2. may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes. I am not shy-- I am very outgoing. I am not embarrassed or have inferiority feelings-- I actually am confident and feel like I do my best in whatever situation is presented. There are those that are better at certain things than me, and reciprocally, there are those that aren't as skilled as me in others. We all have our place in life, and I work to do my best in the situation at hand. I don't think I am a mistake as well.

3. fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run. The statements don't fit me. I put my effort into my relationships, as I am committed and loyal. If I experience a sour relationship or one that ends for one reason or another, I pick up and move on-- realizing that life goes on. I enter new relationships with optimism and hope (expect the best)-- rather than expecting the worst. I expect the best from others and my relationship with them, which I feel I do get the best from people.

4. may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless. I can say, from my own perspective, that these adjectives don't describe me. If anything, I put others needs before my own. I, do, at times, immerse myself too much into something, but I don't lose, neglect, or do a disservice to myself. I know limits.

5. feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable." Completely not me. I am worthy. I am lovable.

6. frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections. Being an "all good" child of a BPD mother, this is one of the points that fits me. I know that my mother didn't tolerate me being less than what she expected of me, and what she expected of me was always the very best-- especially when it came to school and grades. I remember her getting mad at me for bringing home straight A's and S's, except for one N (not satisfactory) in self-control ("talks too much"). I remember being so nervous bringing that report card home to her. Even when it came to cleaning something, I had to do a spotless and practically perfect job or else I had to go back and do it again.

To this day, I can be defensive, and I don't want to make mistakes. I am hard on myself, probably more than anyone else, and I strive to do the best that I can at my endeavors. I don't do things incomplete or sloppy-- I am thorough and meticulous.

7. frequently blame others before they can be blamed. I take the blame where I see the blame should be taken. I, however, expect others to take accountability for their actions if they are accountable. I am not a 'finger pointer' but I thoughtfully consider situations before drawing a conclusion, and if I feel like I am a part of the equation, I certainly will take my part and be accountable.

8. may suffer from debilitating guilt These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them. BINGO on this one. My mother and Dad are experts at flinging guilt-trips, and I have been on a guilt-trip practically my entire life (with family). My Dad creates these larger than life scenarios, the need to 'have a talk', and continues to grow the guilt trip larger. He always expects me to apologize. My mother, on the other hand, just wants me to take the blame for her bad behavior and take the burden off of her shoulders. She likes to play the victim and plays the 'poor pitiful me' to a "T"... and with that, she is the grand manipulator with guilt as a tool. I have recently been able to free myself of the guilt-- knowledge is a powerful defense. The more I know what makes my mother and Dad tick, the more I am able to understand that I am just the recipient of their toxic bi-products, one of which is guilt. I am no longer apologizing to them-- I am apologizing to myself for tolerating this treatment for too long (and not exiting out sooner).

9. feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care. Yes, yes, yes. I have always felt like an outsider in my own family. I don't think I have ever felt like I fit. I feel like I fit with my friends, and interestingly, I have always considered my friends as my family. I haven't felt lonely in life... I have felt lonely in family life. I haven't had family support to cheer me on through tough times. I haven't had the family root me on during my achievements. I have had so many holidays alone and sad. I have had so many birthdays unrecognized. I have felt invisible. I have felt like a 2nd rate member of my family. I do feel the love of my daughter, husband, and friends. But in regard to the love from my mother and Dad, I haven't truly felt that since I was a little, little girl.

10.project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others. This doesn't apply to me.

11. often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self. This doesn't apply to me.

12. often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others. This doesn't apply to me.

13. often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked. This doesn't apply to me.

14. feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination. I do feel that I need to do things to the best of my abilities, and I think that I should consistently put my best out there. I don't feel that my best is 'perfect' by any means. I have experienced performance anxiety at times, but I am not a procrastinator AT ALL. I actually am quite the opposite. My performance anxiety popped up with one of my jobs in my professional life only-- and when removed from the high pressured position, that performance anxiety dissipated.

15. experience depression. I have had my ups and downs but I don't think I experience depression outside of the ordinary.

16. block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like being a workaholic, having eating / shopping / substance abuse disorders, list-making or gambling. I don't have compulsive behaviors.

17. lie to themselves and others. I don't lie to myself nor others.

18. often have caseloads rather than friendships. This doesn't apply to me.

19. often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain. After thinking about the meaning of this statement, I take this to mean that the adult child shamed in childhood incessantly thinks about the past and tries to make sense of it all in order to deal with the painful experiences. I do think of the past and try to piece it all together; I also analyze and pick apart current / recent encounters that have been filled with friction in regard to my family. I do try to take the past and understand it so that I can come to peace with it and move on. I also try to understand my actions and reactions in these scenarios, trying to isolate my part in these frictions, so that I won't make the same mistakes or won't take unnecessary blame. I would venture to guess that I think about the past and its components a great deal more than the average person-- and I would venture to guess that I am like this because of the nature of my past. The past shapes the person who you are today-- and since nothing has been clear cut with either parent or what has happened as a result of my parents, compulsively processing and intellectualizing is a result.

20. have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation. Completely doesn't apply to me.

21. are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency. This doesn't apply to me.

So with this list, you can see I exhibit residual effects from the abuse I endure from my BPD mother and NPD father. I can trace how I realized that I was feeling after-effects:

Once I turned 18, I was out on my own and concentrating on getting a degree, working through college, and having a wonderful social life. I think my main issue at this time was trying to break free from the emotional control that my parents had over me-- guilt trips, manipulations, and conditional love. I wanted to (and always have wanted to) please them so much-- and if I pleased one, the other wasn't pleased... so I was constantly juggling. The juggling was so disconcerting.

Mid-way through college I went through a period of depression that I couldn't explain. I was making straight A's, running competitively, had wonderful friends, worked several jobs so money wasn't an issue, and I had my needs met being self-sufficient. I never did figure out what this depression was a result of, but one day I woke up and the weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

By the time I was out of college and in management, I realized that I was dealing with my boss a lot like I dealt with my Dad. This boss could put me on the defense identical to what my Dad would do to me. As a result, I reacted defensively-- feeling the need to explain to the nth degree. I did a great deal of soul searching, researching, and delving into spirituality at this time. I purchased books on how to deal with difficult people (difficult people like my Dad is difficult) and about believing in oneself and staying positive & happy.

I also struggled to find balance with work and private time as I worked up to 100 hours a week at times, and my mother didn't offer any support. She actually advocated staying in the position that I was overworked and underpaid AND miserable. I felt trapped and alone a lot of the time, and I felt as if life was unfolding around me, and I was only an observer. After an estrangement with my mother and a job change, I became peaceful and happy once again.

By the end of the 90's I was experiencing anxiety and starting having very bad problems with my stomach. I ended up diagnosed with GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease) and gall stones. The anxiety continued to accelerated during the time I reconciled with my estranged mother. Ultimately the anxiety subsided-- but I still have hints of it to this day. My stomach issues have also subsided.

During my entire life, I have not been good with confrontation. I do not greet distention or disagreement well. If any type of negatively stems from my family, my heart skips a beat, I feel the fight-or-flight kick in, and I shake. In regard to family challenges, I always prepare for the worst and realize I will be blamed for whatever is in question. I don't accept the blame, per se, but I realize that the situation will be manipulated one way or another to make it 'my fault'.

In my personal (friend / boyfriend / husband) and professional relationships, I do not analyze or intellectualize them; however, with my family, I am completely the opposite. And as the years have progressed, and the dysfunctional episodes continue to pop up, I tend to analyze and intellectualize more and more. Having a family that is so dysfunctional, keeping everything straight in your own head can be challenging. Having the support, love, and validation of trusted friends (and spouse) is vital. Being able to talk things through with people who have been there with you through thick & thin is worth more than any therapist can tell you. Having friends that have been through the same or similar situations is also more valuable than what any psychiatrist can give you. So, although I may think things through, I know that my processing is taking me to a place of acceptance and understanding-- a place where the pieces of the puzzle are fitting together.

My entire life I have always felt like an outsider in regard to my family. Whether it's with my birth father and his family, my Dad and his wife / kids, or my mother and her husband / kids, I have not felt like I fit in since my parents split in 1979. See subsequent blog entry: Feeling Like I Don't Belong to a Family. When that family unit was pulled apart by my mother's infidelities, my feeling like I belonged was also pulled apart:

• My birth father and his family may have wanted to love me or to include me, but (1) getting to know them was too late (too much baggage had built up in my life that I couldn't handle another family added to the mix) (2) I didn't feel like I fit in (they had their own history, stories, and traditions that I was not a part of making) (3) they were just another group of 'nice' people... there are lots of 'nice' people out there, and trying to make them 'fit' into my confusing and whirlwind life was too much.
• I was part of a family with Dad and his wife / children (my Dad had custody of my brother and me when he married his new wife); however, the family unit was brought together too soon after a tumultuous divorce between my mother and Dad. The situation seemed forced, and situations weren't handled with finesse or care. In fact, tensions were high from the beginning, and my step-mother managed to alienate me from the beginning. I left to move in with my mother.
  
• My mother and step-father kept me as an outsider by making sure to remind me that my last name was different than theirs, reminding me that my brother is "JUST" my half-brother, and noting whenever possible that my mother is the "only" family that I've got (trying to keep me aligned with her but an outside to everyone else). My mother has tried to manipulate my family relationships my whole life.
  

As a result of a very disorderly, confusing, and cluttered upbringing, I have been very much a person who lives very orderly, clearly, and simply. I believe there's a place for everything and everything in its place. I wouldn't say I am a perfectionist, but I do believe in putting one's best foot forward every day. I feel as if I should treat everyone as I would want me to be treated... and I am acutely aware of the effects of my behavior / actions on others.

As brief as childhood is compared to one's entire life, the results are amazingly intense and enduring. Every day, I strive to overcome the results of my childhood and work on self-improvement. I also pray that I give my child the love, support, and safety that she needs to be a well adjusted and happy adult, ready to take on the world.