What Makes My Narcissist Dad Tick

We're approaching SIX MONTHS that my Dad has not bothered to contact my daughter (his granddaughter) or myself after he canceled attending a Christmas gathering when my husband's family was visiting. What led up to the cancellation was a big convoluted mess (Holidays Leading to the Last Straw 2008) of my Dad trying to control Christmas and then realizing he didn't have control and gossiping and lying to other family members about the situation. He iced the cake by not visiting during Christmas, emailing, " ...we will have to pass on coming up to your house. I don't think now would be a good time in lieu of what has gone on." What all his lying, gossiping, and manipulating!? Is he too embarrassed to face my husband and me?

At any rate, no matter how pissed he is at my husband or me or the situation, he has NO RIGHT to take any of this out on my daughter. What in the world has this little toddler done to him!? He has made ZERO effort to contact her, to see her, to develop a relationship, or ANYTHING. Christmas came and went with NO CALL, NO CARD, NO GIFTS... her 2nd birthday came and went... Easter came and went... nothing. His self absorption is AMAZING. Which is leading me to this poignant excerpt from What Makes Narcissists Tick by Kathy Krajo pgs. 83-84:

Extreme self-absorption is another red flag. Unless a narcissist is a "doting" narcissist who keeps a "star" child he's exploiting under a microscope, just ask him about his family. You will be astounded at what he doesn't know about them.

That's the dead giveaway.

To test a person, write a basic character description of each member of his immediate family. Note things like whether this person is religious, excitable, highly motivated -- that's all, just basic stuff that anyone who sees them regularly should know about them. If you ask a narcissist to match each character description with the family member it belongs to, he will gape at you as though you just asked him to show the derivation of E = mc2.

It will astound him that you would expect him to know such things about his wife and children.

Because you know more about cartoon characters than a narcissist knows about the members of his immediate family. For, he can learn nothing about what he willfully, relentlessly, and reflexively pays no attention to.

Narcissists are notorious for being unable to remember people's names or to even recognize their faces outside the usual setting. That's because people all look the same to you when they all look like this.

[drawing of a girl's face blanked out because it is a mirror showing the narcissist flexing and posing in the mirror that should be her face.]

In your encounters with them, you make sure you get 100% of their attention while giving them zero of yours. So, what did they say? Anything? Did they even get a word in edgewise? If they did, you didn't hear it.

A narcissist may, for example, recognize her son in the home but not when she runs into him in the grocery store -- giving him a stupid stare as he approaches, until he clues her in by saying, "Hi, Mom."

Here are some other illustrative examples from narcissists I have known or heard about:

• Does not know how to spell his daughter's name.
• Never had any idea what kind of grades his kids got.
• Does not know his wife or children's birthdays.
• Has never visited the major Website his/her child/sibling published.
• Does not know how old his children are.
• Does not know that his daughter was a National Merit Finalist.
• Has no idea how good his kids are at any sport or other activity.
• Does not know what perfume his wife wears.
• Has never read the book his child wrote.
• Never does learn the names of the students in his/her classes.
• Cannot get the names of people "with two first names" straight. (viz. Jean Paul, Howard Dean, John Kerry, or even John Edwards.)
• Does not know the names of his children's spouses, let alone his grandchildren.
• Has never shown up to watch his son play varsity sports.
• Does not know what his children majored in at college or what degrees they earned.
• Does not know whether his teen-age son/daughter is dating.
• Has never met the boy his teen-age daughter has been dating for three years.

One could hardly be less interested in a fly on the wall.

This description fits my Dad perfectly-- the Narcissistic King. For the longest time, I know he couldn't tell you the name of my company (he might not be able to even now, and I have had it for almost five years). He has no idea what I do on a day to day basis, how I live my life, what I enjoy doing, who I am, what I studied in graduate school, or practically anything about me personally. He recently admitted he doesn't even remember a guy I dated for 3 years (we had visited with my Dad countless times) that had asked me to marry him. WOW!

He will walk away when I am in the middle of a conversation with him-- or he will abruptly change the subject. The conversations are actually him telling stories about topics that are so bizarre (buying luggage, random people he's encountered, his remote control), long & drawn out, and repeated over & over. His stories seem to be noise to cover up any silence or to stop any MEANINGFUL conversation. But, no matter what, he always dominates the conversation... and the topic will never involve anything that has been going on in your life or about you.

And now, he is so self absorbed that he could care less about developing a relationship with his granddaughter. He DOES have a relationship with his step-daughter's child, however. I like how Anna Valerious of Narcissists Suck puts it, "The actual mechanics of how the NPD grandparent will misuse their relationship to their grandchildren will vary. Generally, they will either over-value or under-value the grandchild as a means to get to you." Definitely my Dad is under-valuing my daughter as a means to get to me. He has shown minimal interest in her since she was a few months old and continually blames everyone and every thing but himself for the lack of relationship he has with her. On the flipside, his step-granddaughter lived in his house for her first SEVEN YEARS, and he dotes on her to this day.

Although I am saddened by the fact that my daughter will not have a relationship with her grandfather, I am also content with the status as my Dad is a KNOWN DANGER. He has treated me as if I am invisible. He's treated our relationship with such carelessness and disregard. He is tremendously critical, judgmental, and nit-picky about everything I do that I can't win. And he tries to control me and treat me like I am a 10-year old child. Again, quoting Anna Valerious in Narcissists Suck, "It is imperative to let yourself know that, without profound evidence to the contrary, your narcissist parent is a narcissist still. You must let yourself know for a fact that your Nparent can not be trusted with your most precious responsibility, your children. If you allow contact between your children and your Nparent it must never be out of sight. Never for a moment leave your child alone with this serial abuser. They only need a few moments of alone time to inflict damage. A whisper, an insinuation, a pinch, a look. If you consider yourself a responsible parent you will never, ever leave your child alone with your Nparent. Ever."

So, at this point, I am AMAZED, simply AMAZED, that my Dad has not taking ANY time or effort to formulate a relationship with my daughter... I am also very much at peace with not talking to or getting together with him because I DO NOT want to subject my daughter to his dangerous personality. I want her to have unconditional love-- love that is surrounded by safety, security, and peace. He cannot offer that. I have wished to find that love with him since I was a young child, and I have been unsuccessful. I have been unsuccessful because that type of unselfish love is not possible from a completely self absorbed narcissist.

Six months has past, and I am sure another six months will pass and my Dad will continue to tell family members that he is waiting on a call from me and spread a few more outlandish lies about my husband, myself, and so so sadly my daughter. If he only put as much effort into a relationship, getting to know his 'loved ones' as much as he does to gossip and control, he would have so much richness in his life rather than distention. But this is how he views the world-- through his self absorbed glasses.

Holidays Leading to The Last Straw (2008)

I had all of my Christmas shopping completed by the end of October (prior planning baby!). I wanted to be able to enjoy my holidays and not have to worry about shopping in crowds and traffic (especially living over an hour from the nearest mall). Two days before Thanksgiving, my Dad calls me to tell me that he is going to have everyone draw names (at Thanksgiving) for Christmas presents. I explained that my husband and I had already thought out, purchased, and wrapped presents for my step-sister, her husband, her daughter, my step-mother, my step-brother, his girlfriend, and himself. He said we are drawing names regardless.

I felt totally stomped on... first of all, him telling me what to do, but more importantly, completely disregarding the fact that we had already done our Christmas shopping (spent time thinking out thoughtful gifts AND spent a wad of money on them!). I should have simply told him that we aren’t participating, but my first reaction is always to please. And as much as I try to please my Dad, I never succeed.

Well, when we go to draw names on Thanksgiving, I end up drawing a name for a relative that lives out of town. I didn't know that relatives that aren't going to be present for our Christmas celebration would be included... so not only do I have Christmas gifts that I want to give but Dad is not allowing me to give, I am giving my one gift to someone that I won't see open the gift. I thoroughly enjoy the GIVING aspect of Christmas... I relish it, and I love to spoil those around me, so to not get to see anyone open a gift is disappointing.

Thanksgiving wasn't a happy visit. At one point, I walked into the kitchen to find my Dad and daughter heading to go outside. I approached and asked what's up, and my Dad responds, "Great. You just ruined it."

I said, "Ruined what?"

My Dad responded, "We were going outside, and now you've ruined it."

Without realizing what my Dad was talking about (thinking he was being sarcastic), I said, "Cool, let's go out and see the birdies".

I started to lead my daughter down the steps (she still needs assistance at this point at 21 months), and he says blatantly, "She can do it on her own."

I ignored him and assisted her as she needed. Once outside, we walked over to the side of the yard and I commented on the pretty birds flying around the back. My Dad shook his head and said, "This is not what I was wanted. I am going back inside."

I asked what was wrong, and he repeated, "You ruined it."

So, I take it that he wanted to go outside with his grand-daughter, and when I showed up, he wasn't going outside with her alone. But to treat me with such disregard and so rudely was unnecessary. I felt so small at this point-- and pissed off.

My Dad was nonexistent most of the visit. He never talked to me one-on-one (rarely does any way) and made snide comments when he could. One comment that broke my heart and I captured on film was when my daughter was playing on the floor quietly with a toy, and my step-mother & Dad took my niece into an embrace. Upon embracing her, they said to my daughter, "If you weren't the way you are, you could be part of this". My little daughter couldn't understand what they were saying, BUT I SURE DID. She is too young to feel the impact of that statement (that there's something 'wrong' with her), and she just looked up at them innocently and kept playing. Then later my step-mother said the same thing when she was hugging my niece again. This behavior is dangerous. I have a known danger, and I am completely negligent to allow my child to be around this any more.

On the blog Narcissists Suck, Anna Valerious is very poignant about a known danger like my Dad, "I want to deal with the moral necessity of protecting one's children from a known danger. What I have marveled at in myself and in others is that we have endured so much pain, both physical and emotional, inflicted by our narcissist parent and, yet, we somehow see our way clear to allow our abuser access to our own young. The disconnect in our thinking is rather breath taking when approached rationally without making mental exceptions for the familial connection." This statement REALLY hit home. From this point forward, I decided that I could not have my daughter influenced or effected by my Dad. How I was going to go about protecting her, I hadn't decided at this point.

During Thanksgiving, my husband’s folks were down in Texas, as my husband’s sister had her baby. His folks had expressed interest in coming to visit us for Christmas BUT after his Aunt’s death, moving into his Aunt’s home, and going to Texas for two weeks, they didn't know if they would be coming for Christmas. We told my Dad this during our Thanksgiving gathering.

Well, about a week before Christmas, my husband’s folks decided to drive down on Christmas Eve and stay for a couple of days and then drive back. Anyway, due to the long drive down on Christmas Eve, my husband thought it was not fair to put them back into the car on Christmas day, so he emailed my Dad, my step-mother, my step-sister, and her husband, explaining the situation, letting them know we wouldn't be stopping by on Christmas day, and inviting them all over for the Saturday after Christmas. Everyone responded positively and supportive except we heard nothing from my Dad.

Well, just before Christmas my Dad emails my husband: "Sorry for getting back this late but a lot has been going on and I needed to think about this e-mail. As Gretel Ella can tell you, I am a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to holidays- especially Christmas, so it came to me with great disappointment that you have decided not to come for Christmas day. We have been doing this for so long- I hate to end the string. But, it is your decision so we will just have to live with it. As for Saturday, we will let you know asap"

This email threw me for a loop because:

1. My Dad is saying that my husband’s parents aren't allowed to have a Christmas with us because he has the tradition??
2. He made the note so dramatic saying he had to think about it (recall that my husband had concluded his email: "This will be their first Christmas without Aunt _______ since, I think, 1971 when my dad was in the Philippines during the Vietnam War" ... but my Dad still has to "think" about my husband’s folks coming for a visit? He doesn't understand that there are more people in this life, this family, this Christmas than him). NO EMPATHY. VERY SELFISH.

Anyway, back to the gifts. The last thing I said above is how I drew a name for a person out of town. Well, my husband drew my step-mother's name. I ended up getting 4 calls in one day from my Dad (this is a man that doesn't call me on my birthday nor called me OR my daughter this past Christmas) which I ended up talking to him finding out that Dad wants my husband to trade names with my step-brother because as my step-brother ended-up with my step-sister's (his sister's) name-- and my step-sister won't accept a present from him (her brother). Did you catch all that?

I explained to my Dad to call my husband since the issue is regarding the name he drew AND that my husband had gone shopping and may have gotten something already. Well, Dad didn't take no for an answer and said that my husband couldn't have gotten anything as my step-mother hadn't told him what she wanted. And then he cut off the conversation by declaring that my husband has my step-sister's name, and now my step-brother has my step-mother's (his mother's) name. I was baffled. My husband was pissed that he didn't have a say in any of it. Again our gifts that we bought with our hard earned money are just tossed aside for my Dad's agenda.

Now, back to my husband’s Mom and Dad coming down for Christmas. I get an email from my step-sister that says, "As long as it is okay with you, we will send our presents for your daughter on Saturday - we weren't expecting to pay any shipping charges and to be honest, it's just not in our budget. It is my understanding from Mom that if either of us has either of you then we should ship it to your house in time for Christmas Day."

At this point, no one is supposed to know who drew whose name... so my husband, who 'drew' my step-sister's name, packs her gift and ships it. I don't know who has my name, and I don't get anything in the mail. So by Christmas Eve, I send out a blanket email to all involved in the drawing that if a package was mailed, that the tracking should be checked as the package may be lost.

Well, lo & behold, my step-sister was the one who drew my name, and she sends me a NASTY response saying that she didn't mail my gift because it's 'not in her budget' (recall that I drew a name of a family member out of town, and without complaint, I mailed the gift), that if I am not attending I shouldn't be included in the Christmas drawing, and that she'd send it along with my Dad for the Christmas get together on the Saturday after Christmas. I don't know what the heck my step-sister ended up saying to my Dad, but he jumped to HER defense saying I shouldn't have made such a big deal about my gift.

Now, Christmas comes and goes. No call from my Dad (I called him and left a message). No card from my Dad. Nothing for my daughter either. Christmas night, I talk to my brothers and I find out that my Dad has been calling them ALL PISSED OFF saying that my husband and I knew that his folks were coming down for Christmas back during Thanksgiving and that we purposely hid it from him-- that we deceived him (what!?!?). He said that we should have paid for his folks to fly down here-- or that they should pay for a flight themselves, so that their driving travel wouldn't interfere with his Christmas gathering. I was totally shocked that my Dad was (1) gossiping about my husband and me behind our backs (2) that he's stirring things up rather than talking to my husband and me.

Next day, Friday after Christmas, my Dad emails me saying: "Sorry I didn't get your call till this morning, but, as you know, I rarely hear my cell phone ring in the house. I'm really bummed about the e-mail goin' ons and the present situation. I wish you had not made such a big deal of it, it wasn't worth it. As for tomorrow, I think we will have to pass on coming up to your house. I don't think now would be a good time in lieu of what has gone on."

I was dumb-founded when I got this. Pass on coming to the house because of all that's gone on!?!?!

• First of all, why do I have to call my Dad on Christmas for him to call me? Why didn't he want to talk with his granddaughter?
• And as far as my present, I was worried that someone's efforts were lost in the mail... plain and simple. My husband & I have been the ones to have our gift efforts stomped on and disregarded. And by the way, the gift that my step-sister claims she didn't have in the budget to ship for me, was a small bottle of perfume. She couldn’t afford the shipping? It’s not in their budget? I don't understand all of this selfishness.
• And then for Dad to cancel on us the night before coming over. I got an EMAIL from canceling our Christmas gathering that was curt, not friendly, and lacking in any kind of joy or affection. He said that me not receiving my Christmas gift is 'no big deal' (but my step-sister's sure was for him to call me 4 times and have her name traded), and that he didn't call me on Christmas because he didn't get my message (couldn't he take the initiative to call me?).

The next I hear is that Dad is gossiping to my brothers that all he wants is to give my daughter her Christmas gifts-- that we had canceled on his Christmas invitation. He fails to tell them that he canceled the Saturday celebration to which he was invited. And why are his gifts to my daughter are so much more important than the gifts my husband & I got for all the family or the gift that my husband got for my step-mother for the name drawing? And why is my daughter all the sudden so important when he didn't even think to send her a Christmas card or call her!?

I do not understand my Dad. My Dad blew up over me simply asking if my Christmas gift was mailed like everyone else's and if so, to check the tracking status (then taking my step-sister's side after she blew up at me via email)... and he immediately jumped to negative conclusions, as usual, about my husband and me-- this time it's because my husband wants to spend time with his mother and father after their 18 hour drive down here.

I do understand, however, that I don't want another emotionally draining holiday. I do understand, also, that I am responsible for allowing this crap to continue. Shame on me. So, from that point onward, I am not having anymore contact with my Dad, my step-mother, or my step-sister. I feel so much better without all that mess in my life. They can have each other. I have so many other people in my life that enjoy life, are happy, and appreciate what life brings.

Every holiday is like this-- I am the cause of something that pisses Dad off. Every time we see my Dad, he is upset that he can't do what he wants with my daughter even though he never recognizes the fact that he hasn't invested time into getting to know her. I am continually forgotten: my birthday, Christmas, whatnot. No matter what our decision (our Realtor when selling our house, the choice of my husband's job, the location of our new house, making plans for Memorial Day or Labor Day and then being asked at the last minute by my Dad to do something and having to turn him down, spending time with my husband's parents over the summer or this Christmas), he is always upset with SOMETHING. See subsequent blog posts: My Dad, the Narcissistic King and What Makes my Narcissist Dad Tick.

I truly can't take anymore of this, and I won't allow my daughter to be effected by any of it... so, I will not. This time is the last time, and I am not going to allow my family or me to be treated like this any more. The fact that I am treated so carelessly, like someone that is not liked, is so hard to stomach... and the hurt that I have endured through the years from being tossed aside, thought the worst of, and all situations nit-picked and looked at negatively has accumulated to where it's too much to bear. I certainly don't want my daughter to experience any of this... or to be in the middle of any of this.

Anna Valerious of Narcissists Suck states about a narcissistic grandparent,"From my personal experience, and from observing the experiences of others, the NPD grandparent will use their grandchildren in the same way they would use an inanimate tool. Without regard for the humanity of your child, that child becomes a tool in the hand of your NPD parent to hurt you. This will always result in moral and/or emotional harm being done to your child as well." Reading this makes me sick to my stomach because I know it's true. My Dad is using my child as a tool to hurt me. A lot of this explains why he only saw my daughter only FIVE TIMES last year, why he has criticized / judged / picked at everything I've done with her, why he's been so nasty to me since I've had a child... all in efforts to get at me further and further.

And, by the way, I do believe my Dad is a full blown narcissist. I don't want him effecting me like has my whole life anymore... and I DO NOT want him effecting my daughter. And also, to further know a narcissist, they don't like successful people around them-- they are intimidated and think of them as a threat. Well, my husband is a successful lawyer, father, and husband... and my Dad has been so much worse to me since I married my husband.

By the way, a lot of these issues, in isolation, don't seem that drastic, but put together make the big, toxic picture. The following is a perfect description of my Last Straw: "I have taken a lot but this is the final insult. It may be a little thing but this little mistake has pushed me into action. It may be a little thing to everyone else but it is a big thing to me. Not anyone knows what life has been like for me... There is no way I can describe to anyone what I have had to face each and every day of my life, what I've had to put up with, what I've had to cope with. So many times I was almost driven insane with everything that just didn't make any sense to me at all, but now it does. And I'm angry."

All pieces of the convoluted and crazy puzzle of my life that I have been trying to sort out and come to terms with since I was a child. I think I am finally getting a grasp on what happened... and the biggest conclusion is that I MUST protect my daughter from what I already know to be dangerous and toxic. My life has been so much calmer without all of the chaos and drama of my Dad, my step-mother, and my step-sister.

Anna Valerious states it perfectly,"Those of you who were tipped over into reality by a last straw event please know that it is perfectly okay that you reacted strongly to an event that others would tend to classify as trivial. It doesn't matter what they think. What matters is what you know. The fact that it took you this long to experience a "last straw" moment is a testament to your patience. Justice has been long averted because you've not been willing to seek it. If some event finally convinces you to allow the law of natural consequences to work then good. It needed to happen. The fact that you've put up with the malignant narcissist so long is proof they will never change. A million "do-overs" will not finally result in the malignant narcissist suddenly getting it right.

This all means if there is to be any change it has to start and end with you. You can't change their behavior. You can change your behavior and start to implement changes in your circumstances. If your life is to be any different tomorrow than it was yesterday you will have to take control of it.

Those of us who've experienced last straw moments are greatly blessed. Blessed to finally have the moral certitude and resolution to not take their shit anymore. Blessed to finally be able to escape the crooked reality of the narcissist.

"The straw that breaks the camel's back" is the saying. Remember, the term "last straw" itself makes it clear that the event wasn't a big one. A straw is insignificant itself. In the camel's case, that last straw became extremely significant because its tiny weight was added to the tiny weight of millions of other straws. The "last straw" is significant because of its sameness piled on with a million of its kind. Keep that in mind the next time someone tries to trivialize your finally reaching your limit after a "last straw" moment. It isn't the bigness of the event, it is the sameness. We all have our limits. "

The Narcissistic King withdraws when disappointed or wounded by criticism. And I haven't heard from him since December 27th 2009--