Fight or Flight with Parental Confrontation and Contact

Whew. I am generally a calm, cool, and collected person BUT whenever I have a potential confrontation, actual confrontation, or cause of concern related to my parents, my body immediately reacts. I get shaky, I feel sick to my stomach, I get out-of-breath, and my mind runs a million miles an hour. After decades of ...

• wondering when the next blow-up is going to happen or 
• what I am going to be falsely accused of next or 
• what is being fabricated about me now or
• having my parent(s) confront me with the next "we have to sit down an talk" scenario

... my body is sent into a tail-spin when my parents are discussed relative to me. This 'tail-spin' is fight-or-flight which is defined as the set of processes that occur in the body when it is confronted with some form of physical or mental stress. The nervous system signals for adrenaline and other hormones to be released into the blood which prepare the body either to confront or flee (thus, “fight or flight”). Changes in the body include increased heart rate, dilated pupils of the eye (to improve vision), and increased supply of blood to the muscles (to prepare the body for action).

I can carry on with life for a year (or more) without any situation causing fight-or-flight.  Even as time has passed and even though I am at peace with my past, present, and future, whenever I get a phone call or email from a family member or friend regarding my parents relative to me, my body reacts. With daily life, I am not stressed. I don't have anxiety. I don't panic about situations. I am a very confident, happy, level headed individual. Then, without warning, one of those calls / emails occurs, and I am shaky and nauseated. 

Why would my body react in such a way? In short, my body has been conditioned to respond to this specific stimuli due to lack confidence, trust, and unconditional love from my parent. Note that:

• If one has confidence in a relationship, fight-or-flight would not occur with confrontation or contact.
• A relationship based on trust and unconditional love would not elicit the reactions of fight-or-flight when a confrontation arises. 

So, when a relationship is abused by years dysfunction, toxicity, carelessness, and selfishness, trust in the relationship is damaged. Respectively, lack of confidence in the relationship is a result and the  reaction to confrontation is fight-or-flight. Trust is directly correlated with confidence, and when confidence is broken, confrontations and simple contacts are interpreted by the body as immediate danger.

I have had one too many shocking situations with my parents that body's natural reaction to their contacts is fight-or-flight. I don't trust their intentions or even each of them as individuals. Additionally, I don't have confidence that their intentions are unconditional or unselfish. Due to the erosion of this confidence and trust, my body immediately jumps to fight-or-flight with confrontations and simple contacts. For me, the fight-or-flight response resulted from:

• Years of 'deep sixing' what I witnessed and experienced as a child
• Years of emotional and verbal abuse including Parental Alienation Syndrome
• Decades of situations blowing-up in my face at the hands of my parent(s)
• Decades of stepping on land mines and going through traumatic situations with my parent(s)
• Decades of walking on eggshells and trying to keep peace with my parents(s)

What's interesting is my MIND (psychological) knows that everything is fine-- that I am safe, my child is safe, my husband is safe. I KNOW that nothing horrible is going to happen to us. However, my BODY (behavior) is set off, like an alarm, and automatically sends adrenaline surging. Our body cannot always tell the difference between real and imagined threat. Therefore, when we interpret a situation as threatening, our body responds as though the situation is dangerous even if it really isn't in reality. Once my body calms down, I have a chuckle as I realize how my body just takes off without me as a result of all I've endured in the past. My body interprets my parents as an immediate danger.

 Does anyone else have this response? How do you cope when these situations arise?

I don't experience this heightened response often, so training myself to not react is challenging. I practice the following in order to eliminate / reduce the fight-or-flight response:

1. Practicing visualization and having my body not react stress-fully to these random contacts about my parent(s)
2. Talking out the scenarios with my husband.
3. Manipulating my breathing by changing the rate at which I breathe, whether I breathe shallowly or deeply, and whether I breathe through my mouth or nose. By manipulating how I breathe, it is possible to slow down and even reverse the fight-or-flight response.
4. Controlling the level of tension in my muscles. For example, by creating a fist, make the muscles in my arms tighter. What is more difficult, but not impossible, is to make my muscles more relaxed. With practice, I relax not only the muscles in my arms, but muscles in my shoulders, back, jaw, face, and other areas. 

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics Continue | My APD Brother Visits

 

I missed my brother. I hadn't seen him in over 10 years and although I know the mess that he is (Adult Child in Crisis and Antisocial Personality Disorder), I still missed him. My husband and I had planned to go up to see him several times through the last couple of years, but either money was tight or my brother was a bigger mess than ever. Trips were planned then rescheduled but we had intent on going up to see him.

We wanted to go up to see him on his turf, that way we had control of our environment and what our child was / wasn't exposed to. I felt more comfortable going up there and staying in a hotel than bringing him down here where he would be in our home and we could be put into awkward or compromising situations (drugs, his behavior, etc).

Push came to shove, and more years passed without getting to see my brother so one day when he and I were texting, he mentioned how he was free to come visit. I found cheap plane tickets, got the approval of my husband, and boom, the tickets were purchased by me (my brother made it clear he had no money to pay for plane tickets, but flying him down here was cheaper than flying all three of us up there).

Pretty much right after I bought the tickets, I started having remorse about bringing him down to our home because he immediately started with the parties he wanted to attend, where he needed me to drive him, and more. As a side note, we live about an hour away from all the things he wanted me to drive him to. I also started to fret about whether or not he'd bring drugs into my house. The icing on the cake was when he announced, point blank, that he would be arriving with "no money". Say what!? I just bought the plane tickets and now he's announcing he would have "no money".

I ended up crafting an email that I sent to him, specifically laying out all expectations and rules, as well as what we are willing to do and not do. I started off with stating he WILL bring spending money. I added that we won't be taxing him around but if he wants to attend functions he can arrange rides or take a taxi (boy, that would be expensive from where we live!). I also explicitly said that he will not bring drugs into our home for many reasons. He received the email stating "these things didn't need to be said" but agreed to all conditions. Shew, thank goodness that was over. Or so I thought.

Now, when I picked him up from the airport, that was WONDERFUL. He was very warm with me and with meeting his niece for the first time. And our first bit together was wonderful as well. We had big laughs, fun times, and lots of smiles. That was until I received an email from a mutual friend that knew my brother was in town and wanted to let me know about his shenanigans behind my back with my mother. She detailed how he had been emailing my mother pictures of my child even though I strongly stated since her birth that I didn't want him to do so. She also said that he was bad-mouthing me to my mother in order to get in her good favor so she'd buy him things and send him money. She forwarded a few emails that she was included in the communications. I was FLOORED, HEART-BROKEN, and CONFUSED.

I know that my brother is a con-artist. I know he manipulates for survival. AND I knew I wasn't immune to his games. BUT I didn't think he would stoop so low as to include my child. I was up all night trying to process the information I received and to rectify how I was going to proceed with my brother at my house! I decided not to tell my husband of the betrayal as I didn't want him to be angry or have tension during my brother's stay. And I also decided not to say anything to my brother and to carry-on as if nothing happened.

Interestingly enough, the next day, my brother receives a text-message from my mother that she knows he's in-town visiting me. She was very mad at him. Apparently he had told her that he was coming to visit me then told her the plans were cancelled and then never told her that he was actually coming (he did this with Dad too). She found out he was in town with me and flew off the handle, texting him numerous times to "f*&k off" He burst into tears as we sat on the deck of my house, screaming loudly that he wishes she would just die and let him be. What!?!?

Due to having his financial security cut-off from his mother, he ended up texting Dad the next day to tell him that he's in town. My brother told me that his goal was to hit him up for some money. They made plans for lunch. Interesting and BIZARRE (yes, there is that word again!), my Dad made my brother walk up the street to meet him rather than to drive down my driveway. I know NOW why, but then I didn't. I was puzzled as I was going to go out to greet him, be cordial, and see if possibly we could progress from there-- break the ice, so to speak. I know now my weakness was not a good thing. Staying strong is important. Believing in where you've been, where you are now, and where you're going in the future is vital. Read on...

Well, they go out to lunch and upon returning, my brother throws his arms around me and starts to cry, saying, "I love you so much. I appreciate you so much. I know I don't say it enough, so I am saying it now." And he kept hugging me so hard. I was baffled as to where this behavior was all coming from, and I KNEW that the behavior was a case of "he who protests too much." But the how-who-why-what-when was yet to be seen.

That night I get an email in the middle of the night from my sister-in-law:

Hi Gretel,

I left you a voice mail message. I'm concerned how your brother is treating your family situation and I feel that I need to step in at this point to let you know that he's possibly taken advantage of your generosity for his own advantage. I wanted to give you a heads up that he's said some things to possibly make your family situation worse with your relationship with your Dad & step-mother.

Not that it is remotely my place due to the fact I'm a total outsider when it comes to your family's situation but the last thing I want is for your relationship with your Dad to become any more strained because of false pretenses presented by someone with their own agenda.

I love you dearly and I want to make sure that you protect yourself and yours over anything else. I very honestly and truly hope that you and yours are doing well and wish the best on you. You're good people!

I haven't told (my step-brother / her husband) that I've let you know my overhearings and he'll be totally pee----eeeed off if he finds out so please try to keep me out of it best you can otherwise I'll be meshed into the drama and cycle of issues too.

WOAH! My heart was racing a million miles an hour and my head was spinning. What is my brother doing to my family and me under my own roof!?!?! I immediately called her back. She was very quiet as she didn't want my step-brother / her husband to hear what she was saying. She started with the fact that my brother called my step-mother (the one who hasn't spoken to my brother in a decade, the reason my brother didn't attend my wedding) to tell her that my home is out-of-control, my child is spoiled, that my husband & I are "horrible" parents, and much more. I was astounded.

My sister-in-law told me a little of what was said but not much. She simply wanted me to be aware of the dangerous things my brother was spreading about my family in order to get money from my Dad. He apparently made the situation at my house appear that we forced him to spend his money doing all of these kiddy things for our "spoiled" child that he had no money left. And I suppose once he got on a roll and had the attention of the people he's wanted the attention from for so long, that he kept embellishing, building on the fabrications, and created a huge lie that caused my Dad and step-mother to go hysterical.

But hysterical? Really!?!? Why would my step-mother be interested in my business if she hasn't for the last three years? Why would my step-mother take any credence to what my brother is telling her since she has no respect or trust with my brother? The answer lies into everything they are about-- how they've conducted themselves since I was a small child. These people are taken with their own importance (My Dad, the Narcissistic King) and are so insecure they take so much joy in judging others. They insist upon themselves-- and in the process ruin relationships, create so much damage, and cause pain. They are critical parents who will never be kind or approving.

Well, I didn't hold back any of this from my husband. I immediately talked to my husband about the situation, stating that I felt the desire to take my brother down to the airport and drop him off at a Motel 6 until the end of his stay. How could I even look him in the eye!? How could I even sit in the same room as him? I couldn't say anything as I promised my sister-in-law that I would keep it all to myself (she stated that her marriage couldn't endure the drama that this could potentially create), and I completely respect her request. I truly appreciate her openness and also sense of urgency to want to let us know.

My husband agreed to take him to the airport on the morning of his flight, but the rest of his time with us would be AWKWARD. I concentrated all my attention on my child, but I also felt like I was walking in a fog. The day came for him to leave, and although I was more than ready for this EVIL to be out of my house, I was sad about the goodbye as I know it's not just goodbye for now, it's goodbye forever. I can't allow this type of drama, danger, and dysfunction around my child like what happened to me. I will not have another generation cycle through this confusion. I will not have my child trying to figure out what the heck happened to her during her childhood like what happened to me. My child WILL have a happy, care-free, secure, supportive, and unconditionally loving childhood.

So, any thought of allowing my Dad back into my life, even on the superficial level as I was contemplating, has been completely eliminated from my thoughts. Having my brother in my home created the exact results I feared, except the negative actions weren't what I anticipated. No-one has changed. If anything, they have gotten worse. Life is not a game, family members are not pawns, and all the mean, nasty, and hateful behavior is unacceptable in a life that is so short & precious.

What transpired during my brother's visit was a gentle message from above or my guardian angel to not soften-up.... that where I am in my life has been a hard fought battle and that I should guard that happiness, peace, and contentment with all my might... that my child is precious and that a gift like her needs to be protected. I was given the privilege of looking back for one week at what I left: a narcissistic Dad (My Dad, The Narcissistic King), a nasty Queen mother (Understanding My Borderline Mother), a manipulative con-artist brother (Antisocial Personality Disorder), and more. And I say this experience was a privilege because the lesson was immense, no permanent damage resulted, and evil left my home for good.

Now my sweet and simple life continues :)

My Dysfunctional Family Update

So, I thought I would update you all since my last official 'update' was mid-2009 where my Dad hadn't been in contact with my husband, child, and me for 6 months (What Makes My Narcissistic Dad Tick) and my mother had been meddling in my & my brother's affairs indirectly and directly: part one, two, three. Also during this time, my brother went through a crisis, where he alluded to suicide (Adult Child in Crisis with Personality Disorder Parents) and I wrote him a heart-t0-heart letter (Antisocial Personality Disorder: Letter to my Brother).

Since then, my Dad has made no attempt to contact me to see his grand-child (my child) since Christmas 2008 when he got upset that my husband's parents came into town and "ruined" his Christmas because we couldn't come to his house for Christmas. We had invited him to come to our house, and at the last minute, he cancelled via email. We haven't heard from him since. He hasn't tried to see his grand-child (my child) nor tried to cultivate any type of relationship. If he is upset with me or my husband, that is one thing. But to take out his anger on his grand-child is very pitiful and utterly unacceptable.

In regard to my mother since 2009, she and I have remained estranged, and she has made no attempt to contact me. She has, however, become close to my half-sister (my mother's first of three husband's daughter who my mother never knew personally until my mother & I became estranged in 2004). She claims that my half-sister has the same sense of humor and similar interests to mine. I truly think my mother is trying to replace me with this person, which is very creepy and strange. What is additionally creepy and strange: that my half-sister is receptive to my mother when she has her own family (mother, father, brothers, husband, kids).

My brother during all of this time has been battling depression and anxiety. He has yet to hold down a steady job and continually manipulates Dad and mother for money, cell phone service, computer service, etc. He's come to the realization that he's in his 40's now and hasn't made a life for himself. He's a self-proclaimed liar and continues to lie for monetary benefit predominately.

On my end, the last two years has been peaceful. The lack of drama is perfect, the fact I don't have to figure-out contorted mental puzzles is awesome, and life is sweet & simple. Having the manipulations, dysfunction, and toxicity out of my life is something I had been attempting to achieve for decades, and now I have it. My child is growing up in a loving atmosphere that is steady, consistent, and predictable with lots of life lessons, fun, education, and support. My husband and I made every day an adventure and surround our child with so much happiness that the sun shines even at night.

Next, my brother comes to visit... what a perfect reminder of what I have left and how far I have progressed.

Antisocial Personality Disorder | Letter to my Brother

The following is part of the letter I sent to my brother in jail about his mental disposition.This letter is in addition to my previous post: Adult Child in Crisis with Personality Disorder Parents and is a detailed synopsis of Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD), including the disorder's origination, how the disease manifests itself before the age of 15, diagnosis criteria, and complications from the disorder. He stated that the entire description fit him and that he would take the letter to a psychiatrist as soon as possible to help with the diagnosis. The following is part of the letter:

I completely understand where you are coming from—feeling like you are mentally tapped. I do think that you can do something about it though. I have been researching and researching for the last 9 months about what could be the cause behind your troubles, and I think that I may have insight to what has been troubling you all of these years. Before I tell you the ‘name’ of it, I want you to read about it. I found a disorder that originates from:

1. Being subjected to verbal, physical or sexual abuse during childhood
2. Having an unstable or chaotic family life during childhood
3. Loss of parents through death or divorce during childhood
4. Absence of parental discipline.
5. Removal from the home.
6. Erratic, inconsistent discipline.
7. Being “rescued” each time the person is in trouble and never having to suffer the consequences of his own behavior.
8. Maternal deprivation and lack of an appropriate “attachment”.

I think that you meet pretty much all 8 of these origination factors… you were subjected to verbal abuse, our family life was very unstable and chaotic starting when you were 10 years old, you lost parents through divorce, the parental discipline was lax at Dad’s house, you were removed from the home at a young age, you have been ‘rescued’ by Dad quite a few times through the years (financially, not emotionally), and I think that the attachment with our mother was not effective due to her mental disposition (unavailable emotionally through large periods of our childhood).

Now, the disorder is also characterized by kids having conduct disorder before the age of 15 years old. In your case, how angry you would get at times: recall when you broke my finger, busted the bathroom door down, busted down Dad’s door to his bedroom, and jumped out of a moving car. These are just a few.

A diagnosis for this order is made if 3 or more of the following are met. I think that you have more than 3 of the 7. What are your thoughts?

1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest.
2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying
3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
4. Irritability and aggressiveness
5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations.
7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another

Complications from this disorder include:

1. Depression
2. Anxiety
3. Aggression or violence
4. Suicidal behavior
5. Reckless behavior
6. Alcohol or substance abuse
7. Incarceration
8. Relationship difficulties
9. Social isolation
10. School and work problems
11. Strained relationships with health care providers

Again, I think you have many of these complications as well. And treating simply a complication, such as depression or anxiety, is not treating the actual disorder from where the complication is originating. The complication is simply a symptom of the over-riding disorder. And that’s why the Prozac or whatever hasn’t been really ‘helping’ you, as a symptom / complication is merely being treated (ie: one has the flu, but only takes an antihistamine. Well, the runny nose may be gone BUT the flu is still there). The disorder needs to be treated, not just the depression / anxiety or whatnot.

So, overall, I think this disorder may be what has complicated your life for so long. How the disorder originates (8 points), how the disorder manifests itself before the age of 15, the diagnosis criteria (7 points), and the complications of the disorder (11 points) seem pretty spot-on for what you have been going through for decades. What are your thoughts?

One may have a very small back problem at birth—maybe a back problem that would never even is a big deal. But when the individual is around 10 years old, a bunch of stuff happens to aggravate that back problem, causing it to become more pronounced. And as life goes on, the back problem becomes more of a focus. This back with a disorder, left unattended, can affect one’s life negatively with pain, complications, and challenges. However, once the back problem is attended to by a professional, one is able to lead a pain-free, less complicated, and less challenging life. So, even though the mind is something people can’t see on the outside, just like the back, the mind can lead to troubles if problems are left unattended.

Well, I hope this helps. I think that if you are able to have a proper evaluation and diagnosis, that you will be able to deal with what is really going on with you. I think that you have been spiraling in a messy tornado, not actually ever dealing with the core issue. The facts surrounding your life are just results of what is really going on in your head… meaning, you can’t just go hold down a job long-term because not holding down a job long-term is a result of how your brain is misleading you. You lie because of how your brain is misleading you. You have been doing the things you do because of how your brain is leading you… and until you have this straightened out, the other factors continue the way they have been in the past. As one of my favorite quotes says, “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten”. So, change the fundamental way your brain is working.

I hope you don’t feel as if I am over-stepping my boundaries here… but I am so worried about you, and I have spent countless hours (since last July 2008) trying to find out how to help you. I have always believed in you… I will always believe in you. I think you are a good person, I think you mean well, and I think that you have been deeply troubled since you were a little boy. I wish I could wave a magic wand and erase all of the troubles swirling around in your head… but this is something you have to make a big commitment and conscious effort to do yourself. Your brain is just that—YOURS. And until you want to make yourself happy, in control of your own life, and peaceful, there’s no one else that can take you there. You are the pilot of your own destiny.

The stuff that happened to you as a child and teenager are in the past. Let it go. Free yourself. The things that happened in your 20’s are in the past—same with your 30’s. What you DO have is what is ahead. And what is ahead is what you make of it. You can make it happy… or you can make it not happy. Yes, you have some things that are tough with finances—but a TON of people have that too. You have to decide to manage your life because it’s your life to manage. You have to decide that you are worth it. Not because I want you to… or because your fiance wants you to… or because your kids want you to… you have to decide to manage your life because YOU want to.

Changing the way you think is hard work. But you can do it. You have to make a conscious effort every day to redirect the path of your thinking. And with a psychiatrist as a tool to help, you will be able to conqueror the demons in your head and lead the life that you want. You said you are sorry in your letter—well the best way to say your sorry is to make a change and show you mean it. Like I said, I believe in you: YOU, your soul, you as a person, you as my brother, you as my friend, and you as one of the people I love the very most in the whole wide world. And I want you to love yourself that much. You’re going to have to dig deep.

Well, I hope all this helped. I will be happy to write to you about any of this. I only want the best for you—and I want you to lead the life that makes you happy, complete, and fulfilled. And obviously you haven’t been leading that life. I don’t know what else I can do other than offer my emotional support, as well as the information that I have researched and studied for the past 9 months. Please take this information in the light it’s presented and know that I love you with all of my heart. The disorder’s name is Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Adult Child in Crisis with Personality Disorder Parents

How can two highly self-absorbed parents with personality disorders who raised two children with such dysfunction, carelessness, and disregard be expected to effectively help their adult son who is now in critical and desperate need? The answer is simple. They can't. And it's very intriguing how they chose to help him. Let me tell you about it.

First, let me catch up those of you who are just jumping into my blog at this point:

• Understanding My Borderline Mother: my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individuals sense of self-identity. Additionally, the BPD suffers from a disorder of emotion regulation with unstable pattern of social relationships and impulsive behaviors.
  
• My Dad, the Narcissistic King: my Dad is the prototypical narcissist (NPD), which is a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. The NPD is described as turning inward for gratification (self-centered) rather than depending on others and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, and prestige.
  

Now back to my brother-- he is in a very bad spot in his life. He has progressively gotten worse and worse over the years, with challenges starting when he was just a child. My parents recognized his behavior problems but didn't do much about it other than telling him what he should and shouldn't do. So, he didn't get any therapy, medical treatment, or professional behavior modification.

When my parents' divorce hit when he was around 10 years old, the problems grew worse, and by the time he was a teenager, he was out of control. He was a delinquent, using drugs & alcohol, skipping school, and getting into all sorts of trouble. Again, my parents didn't get him consistent medical treatment with a psychiatrist, but he did have two stints in drug & alcohol rehab.The places he went were simply insurance sucking shams, if you ask me. He was still getting drugs while in these places. Plus he made new contacts for when he got out, getting him into further trouble.

By the time he was an adult at 18 years old, he was a high school drop-out with no place to live. He entered the Navy but went AWOL after taking pre-paid salary with him (he was on subs which pay the salary prior to going out to sea). He followed a band for years, meeting a girl & having several kids. They got in trouble for welfare fraud somewhere along the way but got married and seemed to do well for a short period. That's until he lost his job and got a divorce.

Pretty much since then he hasn't had a steady job, and he's been living off of the kindness of other people-- which has been the last SEVEN years. He has been severely depressed and unmotivated. He has no life plan, can't hold down a job, and lies about everything. He hasn't been able to keep up with his financial obligations (namely child support) which has landed him in jail twice. He just got out from a 3 month stay, and he's the worst I have ever seen him.

Within the last two years or so, my brother has been crying on the phone to me as he wants to know why he does the things he does: lies to everyone about practically everything, clinically depressed, can't hold down a job, has no life plan, doesn't adhere to societal standards, and is so impulsive. Our conversations typically went down the path of how our childhood was so tough, how he didn't have a good bond with his mother & how his father basically pushed him aside for his new wife, and how understanding & accepting the past will help him to move to the future. BUT, as time went on and he kept digging a bigger & bigger hole, and he started talking suicide, I started to seek more answers.

I went to my Lawson book and started reading about the 'all bad' child and the 'lost child'. Then, I started thinking about my mother being BPD and my Dad being NPD and the effects that could have on a child genetically (my birth father is different than my brother's). Then, I started thinking about how he was as a child; how he was so bored all the time, how he needed extra stimulation to peak his interest, how he was so angry. Then a light bulb went off, and I thought of the Sociopath Personality. I plugged the name into Google. As I scrolled down and found the DSM-IV Definition of Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD), I found a list of diagnostic criteria that matches my brother's symptoms perfectly. I went on to further research APD and the more I read, the more I knew I found something very important.

Now, how could it be that my mother is BPD, my Dad NPD, AND my brother is APD!?!? Am I proving that my entire family that I grew up with has personality disorders? How could this be? Well, I went to research more, and lo & behold, I found out something that truly was the icing on the cake-- all three of the personality disorders are the same type. All three personality disorders are DRAMATIC and ERRATIC. Finding this out was an eye opener, as the disorders are all linked, and they all stem from the same root: Cluster B Personality Disorders are evidenced by dramatic, erratic behaviors and include Histrionic, Narcissistic, Antisocial and Borderline Personality Disorders. WOW!

At this point, I knew I needed to talk to my brother about my findings so that he can get a professional diagnosis and therapy. BUT right around this time is when he had a court hearing (he has them every 6 months for child support arrearage payments) and he ended up going to jail for not keeping current with his financial obligations. While he was in jail, I wrote him a detail synopsis of APD, including the disorder's origination, how the disease manifests itself before the age of 15, diagnosis criteria, and complications from the disorder. He said that the entire description fit him and that he would take the letter to a psychiatrist as soon as possible to help with his diagnosis: Antisocial Personality Disorder: Letter to my Brother

Since then, he has finished his 3 months in jail, and my mother who hasn't seen him but twice in twenty years went up to meet him getting out of jail. In the past, my brother has depended on my Dad for support (both financially and emotionally however limited it may have been) but since my Dad is now 'over it' and 'tapped', my brother decided to lean on his mother. I warned him about the repercussions of this decision, but he thinks he can't manage life on his own and decided to use her.

My mother, on the other hand, is using him just the same. And when these two personalities get together, the results are tumultuous. Anyway, I believe my mother is not up there to help out my brother in the purest sense. I think she has ulterior motives, one of which is to meet her grandchildren for the 1st time (three are teens, one is younger). She went up there under the pretense of helping my brother but where the heck has she been for the last TEN years (they spoke during 1999 briefly), or the TEN years prior to that? I find it rather disturbing that she thinks she can waltz back into his life after the neglect and carelessness exhibited in the past TWENTY YEARS. And the further disturbing part is that my brother is allowing this to happen because he can't manage life on his own.

Now, what BOTH parents are failing to recognize is that my brother's troubles are NOT because he doesn't have a job or that he can't adhere to his court ordered financial obligations. THESE ARE SYMPTOMS of the overlying problem. He has a MENTAL ILLNESS-- and until that is properly diagnosed and managed, he will continue to not be a productive member of our society. My brother will continue to lie, con, land in jail, not hold down a job, and be depressed.

At the end of 2008, I asked my Dad to go up to see my brother when my brother was claiming he was going to kill himself. I told my Dad that the situation was dire and that my brother needs serious help-- fast. My Dad's solution was a several day trip where he took the grandchildren out shopping, bought my brother some fancy shoes, and made a list for my brother to accomplish. AHEM. If a list was all my brother needed to snap his life into some semblance of order, DON'T YOU THINK HE WOULD HAVE DONE THIS A LONG TIME AGO!?

Now it's 2009, my brother is getting out of jail and my mother is there to pick him up from the clink. HER solution is to get him on disability so he won't owe the child support and to help him get a job. AGAIN, they just DO NOT GET IT. He CLEARLY is mentally ill. Just talk to him ONE TIME and you can hear how depressed he is and how illogical & dysfunctional is thinking is. BUT forget about even talking with him: LOOK AT HIS LIFE. Simply looking at the facts surrounding his life, and you will distinctively see all of the toxic mess, poor decisions he's made, and the dysfunction. The man has not held down a steady job in SEVEN YEARS. He is tens of thousands of dollars behind in arrearages with the court system. He lied about paying his rent, the electric bill, and more. He lost his fiance due to taking advantage of her and lying to her. Getting him on disability is not going to take care of what got him into this mess in the first place. Getting him a job during the week that my mother is visiting is not going to take care of the underlying problem of why he hasn't worked steadily in seven years-- he will simply quit the job as soon as my mother leaves.

What is very interesting is if you look at the decisions that my parents have made in order to 'help' my brother:

• My Dad (who is a self absorbed narcissist and all about the country club life & appearances) had the approach of a short visit, spending money, and making a list. He couldn't give of himself, and he did what he know how to do best-- give money not himself.
  
• My BPD mother, on the other hand, is consumed with her own personal health. "... all borderlines are prone to hysterical reactions and feel particularly threatened by illness. Family members may be unable to distinguish minor injuries from major emergencies. The overreaction to pain or illness is a consequence of the inability to sooth and comfort herself. The all-good child often comforts, serving the role of parentified child" (Lawson). She has had declining health for the last decade and doesn't take care of herself (overweight, doesn't exercise, eats poorly)-- and she uses her health as a way of getting sympathy and attention, as well as to justify not working, staying reclusive at home, and not taking care of herself. So, her approach with my brother is focused on his physical health and getting him disability which AGAIN doesn't handle the overlying problem-- mental illness.

Each parent's solution mirrors their own dysfunction: my Dad with selfishness, money, and quick fixes, and my mother with focusing on physical health. Another ironic point is that my mother is educated in psychology and youth counseling-- rhetorically speaking, why isn't she seeing what my brother really needs? And if she does see it, why isn't she doing something about it?

So at this point, I am sitting back highly frustrated: (1) knowing what possibly could be my brother's challenge (APD) and (2) KNOWING what he needs more than anything else in the whole world is intense, thorough, and long term psychiatric help. Without it, he will continue to con people, try to find free rides, lie, be depressed, and not have a life plan. I am VERY scared of the outcome if he doesn't get help as he's talking suicide to me again.

Blaming Parents for Our Past

"Our childhood experiences guide the way we create our own lives"
Gopnik Berkeley

A common theme that my parents have harped their entire life is that my brother & my childhoods shouldn't effect our adulthood-- that we are a product of our own choices and those choices are ours alone. My parents say that childhood should not be used as a crutch or an excuse for failings or shortcomings, that you as an adult make your life the way it is. I agree that one shouldn't use crutches or excuses; however, the life you make is a collection of choices that have been shaped by your past experiences. Funny how book after book is written to help the adult-child of abuse move past their childhood / teen years and to accept & heal. Hmmmm, but no, our childhood doesn't effect who we are as adults?!?!?

Neither parent will discuss the confusing, destructive, and tormenting past (OR any of the fun times either) that we endured from the late 1970's through the 1980's. My mother doesn't remember most of it accurately or becomes enraged when speaking about my Dad, and my Dad says he doesn't remember because he doesn't 'want to'. My parents also haven't taken accountability for the emotional abuse we were subjected to with Parental Alienation Syndrome as well. So, either way, my brother and my experiences are not validated, we are not to evaluate our childhood as possible causes for our reactions / actions / choices in our adulthood as the childhood had no impact, and we are supposed to deep six all of the aspects that concern both of us because it doesn't matter anyway.

Well, our childhood DID happen. Our childhood was very confusing, very destructive, and very tormenting. Our childhood left us treated carelessly, with conditions on love, and orphaned. And I think dealing with the emotions, feelings, and memories is crucial to being a healthy, happy, and productive adult. I thoroughly believe that our choices are guided by our internal subconscious shaped by our past experiences. And that internal subconscious can be a positive or negative force depending on the presence, amount, and condition of the scars.

Prudent choices may not be made if the child of an abusive parental relationship has not dealt with and come to terms with his / her past. Further, if one's self confidence has been eroded from the waves of parental mistreatment over the years, choices are further hindered. My mother just recently jumped all over my brother about 'owning up' to his bad choices that he's made since childhood, Rearing Their Ugly Heads, reiterating that HE made the choices. Yes, he made choices, but evaluate each choice to which she is referring independently, IN CONTEXT, and you will see that the surrounding is not black & white. And the fact that she is condemning him for things that happened when he was a CHILD is sad and bizarre in itself. Sad because he was a child-- a young boy that could have had parents guiding & supporting him in his decisions at the time, and bizarre because he's almost 40 years old being berated by his mother like he is 10 years old again.

My brother has needed his parents' support, reassurance, and guidance since a young boy, and having very selfish parents that were centered on their own wants & needs, my brother got very little that he needed. Sure, he had a Dad that coached his sports teams, and sure, he had a mother that laundered his clothes for him-- but what he needed was someone to help him deal with growing up. He needed someone to talk to, to help sort out all of the challenges that a kid feels when they're growing up. My mother treated him as the "No Good" child who could do nothing right, whereas my Dad wanted so much to please his new wife that he chose her over his son. My brother's room was given to her daughter, and he was to reside in the basement.

At one point, he was crying out for attention so much that he jumped out of a moving car. Sure that got him some attention, but not the attention he really needed. He really needed someone to REALLY talk to him, to REALLY listen to him, to REALLY help sort out his thoughts. Instead he was called stupid and yelled at. When he needed his parents even more, we lost our grandparents, and our mother retreated further from us, and our Dad was left to figure out how to keep the household going. Then our parents divorced and started using us as pawns in the game of divorce. Stress levels were intense for us kids, and I remember my head spinning from the amazing amount of mental abuse we endured. Then our parents almost immediately remarried to people that already had children, which added even more confusion to the simmering pot of parental neglect.

By the time that my teen brother started using alcohol and drugs to gain attention, my parents were so into their new lives that no one really took the time to sort out what in the heck was going on with my brother. Quick fixes were their answer, his problems were ignored, or he was told to try harder. How do you try harder when you've never been given the tools to work with in the first place!?

What happened to my brother BAFFLES my mind. I wouldn't treat my child with such disinterest and neglect. And it's so obvious that he was tossed aside so many times. And to now say that he is solely responsible for the choices that he made as a child, teen, young adult, and adult is simply negligent even further! And the fact that we were put through a huge amount of manipulations, guilt trips, mental & emotional abuse, and carelessly treated by ultra-selfish parents only compounds the neglect my brother experienced.

I dealt with all of the confusion of our childhood differently than my brother. I retreated, a lot of times, on my own, and thanked God for the good head he put on my shoulders. I spent a lot of time thinking about what happened, realizing that the situation was not my doing but between my mother and Dad. I would also immerse myself into running, my education (knowing I wanted out as fast as possible at 18 to go to college on my own away from them), and in my friends. I tried to digest the abuse as much as possible my writing in my diary as well.

My brother, on the other hand, was 2 1/2 years younger than me and a different person than me-- so of course he dealt with the situations completely different than me. He is mentally ill- diagnosed bipolar; however, I am certain that deeper issues are effecting him and have been effecting him since he was a small child: Antisocial Personality Disorder: Letter to my Brother. I don't think he's spent quality or quantity time sorting out his feelings and memories. I don't think that he's been able to figure out what happened, why it happened, and who our parents are. I don't think that he realizes, truly realizes, the reality behind what happened to us from such a young, tender, and innocent age. And I think if that ends up hitting him, the reality of it all, that he may get thrown over the edge.

He is very, very depressed-- mentally ill. And recently when I called my Dad to enlist his support for my brother, the amount of empathy that expressed was in the form of a to-do list and buying some things for him. He visited with him for a few days after not seeing him for years and honestly didn't delve into the crux of the issues. My Dad, again, just like when my brother was little, had quick fixes for my brother-- "He just needs to get a job and stick with it" My Dad completely fails to realize that my brother can't hold down a job is only a SYMPTOM of a much bigger issue-- the job is not the problem. My Dad doesn't want to take the time or the effort to get to know his son, to find out what makes him tick, and to understand what REALLY is going on in his head after all these years.

My brother's choices are a result of a damaged core combined with mental illness. My brother's choices are a result of a damaged self esteem with crippled self confidence and shattered sense of self. My brother's choices are a result of being orphaned by parents whose ghosts are still around haunting him with abuse into adulthood. My brother's choices are a result of not having the emotional tools to handle what life throws at him. My brother's choices have ALL been directly effected by the way he was handled as a child. PERIOD.

For my brother to overcome these obstacles in order to make different decisions, he has to overcome mountains of scars, erosion, and roadblocks in his mind that were started at a young age and reinforced through almost FOUR decades. So, for my parents to say that where he is in life is due to what he's chosen is completely inaccurate. I think they don't want to face the fact that they have damaged their son to the core and left to him fend for himself. And I would like to tell my mother, "You are a ruthless woman who should be ashamed of herself" and my Dad, "A job is not the answer. You are such a lazy and shallow thinker"... and to both of them, "You are both the most selfish people I have ever met" Adult Child in Crisis with Personality Disorder Parents

Because of You

The following song hit home for me: Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You". The lyrics perfectly define what I went through during my parents' divorce, what I felt like as a result of how I was treated (even though I was a child, I was treated as an adult, made to make adult decisions), and the ramifications of my parents' actions. The song perfectly depicts the effects of a Cluster B personality disorder parent. Cluster B Personality Disorders are evidenced by dramatic & erratic behaviors and include Borderline Personality, Narcissistic, Antisocial, and Histrionic.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid