Defying Gravity by Breaking Free from Narcissistic Parents

Do you have a song that so perfectly describes how you feel that you get goose-bumps from head to toe? Perhaps the song brings you to tears because the emotions behind it truly ring clearly. The song, Defying Gravity from the musical Wicked, is more than empowering and emotional for me (see video and lyrics below). The song sweeps through the dysfunctional and toxic relationship with my BPD mother and NPD father into the realization that I will never have their unconditional love to actually breaking free and flying away. First some background information about The Wizard of Oz (1939) and the musical Wicked.

The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Dorothy Gale is a young farm girl who lives in Kansas in the early 1900s. She is whisked away in a tornado and lands in Oz. She is greeted by the good witch Glinda, who tells Dorothy to follow the yellow brick road to the Emerald City where the Wizard of Oz might be able to help her get back home. The Wizard agrees to grant her wish (along with the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion & their wishes) but not until they bring him the Witch of the West's broom. On their way to the Witch's castle, they are ambushed by flying monkeys but still manage to obtain the broom. Back at the Emerald City, the Wizard still refuses to grant their wishes, however Toto (Dorothy's pet dog) exposes the "Wizard" as a normal middle-aged man who admits he's a fraud.

Wicked the Musical  

In the musical Wicked,  Elphaba is an outcast because of her green skin and is even shunned by her own father. She stands up for the downtrodden and oppressed, which in in this case are the intelligent animals whose powers of speech and reason are being stripped away by the Wizard who is systematically enslaving them. The magicless Wizard calls upon the magical young Elphaba to become his partner, which is a dream come true for Elphaba until she discovers the Wizard's wicked ways. She turns down fame and glory and instead goes underground, becoming a fugitive while aiding the animals when and where she can. Elphaba refuses to stay silent when she witnesses evil.

Elphaba pays for her defiance. She is disparaged by the Wizard's cohort, her former headmistress Madame Morrible causing the people of Oz to want her dead. She becomes known as the Wicked Witch of the West and is falsely accused of spreading terror and lies throughout the land. Desperate, she considers making peace with the Wizard and is literally captivated his song-and-dance routine about how wonderful it is to be considered wonderful. She discovers that he has enslaved her former professor, Dr. Dillamond the goat, who can no longer speak or stand upright. She is incensed all over again and flees, which is her last straw.

"Defying Gravity" Lyrics

Defying Gravity (see lyrics below) is the finale for Wicked's first act when Elphaba discovers that The Wizard of Oz is not the heroic figure she had originally believed. With this realization, Elphaba vows to do everything in her power to fight the Wizard and his sinister ways. She sings of how she wants to live without limits, going against the rules that others have set for her. At this point, she doesn't know that the Wizard is her father but finds out in the end. The Wizard uses campaigns of denigration against Elphaba, turning the public against her. She later learns that the Wizard is in fact a powerless fraud.

Lyrics ranging from the 'playing by the rules of someone else's game' to being forced to 'accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so' to realizing with our relationship there are 'things I cannot change' truly describe the dysfunctional mind games, unhealthy boundaries, immense control, and emotional damage resulted from my BPD / NPD parents.

Additionally, the lyrics 'too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!' so clearly relate to the raw honesty regarding the relationship with my parents. Having to sacrifice my integrity and self-worth in order to keep them in my lives was indeed much to high a cost- and for a love I never truly had in the first place.

The song also depicts how I felt when I ultimately decided to indefinitely cut ties and fly free: 'too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep, it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!' and 'if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free'. That lyric about flying solo and flying free really hits my heart hard as if I could choose it some other way, I would. I would like to have a big, happy family that is loving, supportive, and safe. But being emotionally tied to their control and manipulations was not healthy or acceptable. So, flying solo in order to fly free is the best possible option.

The lyrics "As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly" are so illustrative of how a dysfunctional relationship can be so stifling- and how a controlling and narcissistic parent can truly chain you down.When she sings that lyric, I can feel my freedom and how I am flying free now, which is truly breathtaking.

Another powerful statement in the song is when she says, "To those who ground me, take a message back from me- tell them how I am defying gravity." I get goosebumps- the power and strength behind that statement are immense.

The ending truly wraps up the deeply meaningful song with the following lyrics, "And nobody in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down!" Those words are so poignant because one of the most helpful books I read when trying to learn about my mother's BPD and father's NPD was Eleanor Payson's book, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family.

Living in and Leaving Oz

After someone with NPD has seduced us, we often feel like a tornado transported us to Oz. Dorothy's journey encapsulated all the manipulative illusions and challenges that transpires when we interact with an NPD. Dorothy believed that the Wizard was the only one who had the power to help her, and she embarked on one convoluted adventure after another to find favor and win his approval.

Similarly, children want so badly to have their parent(s) approval and attention just as Elphaba did when the Wizard wanted her as a *partner*. Elphaba discovers she was manipulated and deceived just as I did many times through the decades with my parents. Whether through parental alienation, silent treatments, campaigns of denigration, estrangement and more,  I continually was hopefully of an unconditional and authentic relationship with my parents only to discover the truth behind their actions.

Just as Elphaba is in Wicked, children of NPD can be shunned, not accepted by parent(s), expected to believe in the facade that the parent created (Oz), and controlled to the point of compromising integrity and personal growth. The sense of reality is muddled, doubted, and turned upside-down. Constant exposure to the parent's skewed sensibility combined with isolation from friends / family feels like living in a strange land of Oz with the Wizard of Oz (parent) manipulating, controlling, and deceiving.

Further, flying monkeys are sent to do the dirty work for the NPD (Enlisting Allies Against Target of Rage) such as used against Dorothy. Flying monkeys being a term taken from The Wizard of Oz to describe those the NPD manipulates into doing their dirty work, typically in the form of abuse by proxy. The NPD parent manipulates others into harming their target of rage (*true victim*) through willfully ignorant or easily deceived friends and family. The abuse by proxy results from ignorance of the truth or lack of character to stand up for the truth. Whether it is directly or indirectly, physically or emotionally, an NPD will use flying monkeys to do their dirty work.

Additionally, the children of NPD parents can be disparaged throughout their life through campaigns of denigration, causing people to think the child is wicked like Elphaba. By the time the target is aware of the distortions, people around the NPD may have been hearing for a long time that the target is some evil, horrible, cruel person as part of the campaign of denigration.

Everyone Deserves a Chance to Fly!

We all want to be the recipient of unconditional love but if it comes at such a high cost, is it unconditional? No, the cost is the condition so the love is not unconditional. Let go of the hope that your critical parent will ever change. Stop looking for approval from the parent. Understand why the parent is like this, but stop looking to them for approval and support you will probably never get. Having a critical parent is not your fault, and you can't make this critical parent into a kind, approving, and loving parent.

In the end, breaking free of the critical parent is defying gravity. Everyone certain does deserve a chance to fly. No two parental situations are exactly the same, so what may work in one situation may not be the best in another. However, doing something to improve your situation is imperative when dealing with a critical parent. By simply being conscious of the effects of criticism, you'll actually begin to negate the effects. Bringing to the surface the impact of criticism can actually help it dissipate and lose the power it has in your life. And if you have to fly solo, at least you're flying free. We all deserve happiness and peace in our lives. Don't let the Wizard or anyone else bring you down :)

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But until I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately,
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in the renown

And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

Borderline's Campaigns of Denigration

I love my child to the deepest part of my heart and soul. My child is a blessing who amazes me every day of my life. I would do anything possible to support my child, shower my child with unconditional love, and provide security and safety for my child. If we ever have a disagreement, I will do everything possible to understand my child's point-of-view and create peace. I am my child's biggest cheerleader, biggest supporter, and biggest admirer. I love my child beyond words.

My mother, on the other hand, has treated our relationship with such disregard and with so many conditions. She has treated me as an adult when I was a child, expecting me to react or have viewpoints as an adult. She leaned on me as an adult 'friend' when I was a child, confiding in me with things that are inappropriate for a child's ears. She completely disregarded my feelings, emotions, and perspectives from childhood to the beginning of our last estrangement in 2004. She has discredited and denied my childhood memories and even has gone so far as to say what we experienced as a child doesn't have any bearing on our adulthood. And what is so disgusting is that she will spend an inordinate amount of time talking disparagingly about me to other people.

First of all the campaigns of denigration are despicable because she is my mother and I am her daughter. She **should be** one of my staunchest supporters, someone to always be on my side. She **should be** someone who thinks I hung the moon, talks admiringly of me, and is my cheerleader. And if we have personal issues, those issues should be resolved between us. I cannot fathom ever speaking of my child the way my mother speaks of me. I cannot fathom making up myths, lies, and misconceptions about my child the way my mother does of me. I know how deeply I feel for my child-- and this truly makes the pathology, dysfunction, toxicity, and pure evil of my mother's illness stand out even more.

If my mother spent as much time and energy trying to work-out disagreements with me as she does with her campaigns of denigration against me, we would have resolved disagreements long ago. The topic that started the last estrangement isn't what threw me over the edge (the fact that my mother said she was out of my wedding because I didn't want all 3 of my fathers attending the same ceremony). What threw me over the edge was the vile, mean, and demeaning things she said to my friends, work and school colleagues, my in-laws, and more. She went so far that I cannot ever trust her again. Let's put it this way-- would I still be friends with someone who attacks me, spreads lies about me, tries to turn people against me, and attempts to destroy relationships of mine? Heck no. So why would I still honor a relationship with my mother?

When we were estranged in in the middle 80's and then again in the middle 90's, she talked smack about me. When we reconciled, I try to put the past in the past and give her credit for being 'changed'. After our middle 80's estrangement ended in the early 90's, she promised me that she had changed, that she had gotten professional help, and that she wouldn't do anything like that to me again. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then when we reconciled after the middle 90's estrangement, I thought I had my life so solid and together that she couldn't hurt me again. Wrong again.

Anyway, one of the classic behaviors of a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the campaign of denigration. The target is the person against whom the perpetrator BPD conducts the vilification, which the target happens to be me.  The intent is to destroy my reputation and thereby destroying my relationships with family and friends, co-workers, and others. How can someone who loves you, do this to you? They can't possibly truly love you and then try to destroy your reputation and relationships.

As with so many aspects involving BPD's and their typical inability to understand or respect boundaries, no limits exist to their campaigns. They will use any means available to cause damage to their target, including denigration, endless disparaging remarks, fabrication, false accusations, and even teaching others to lie on their behalf as part of their vilification campaign. My mother has used all of the means listed and even taught others (my ex co-worker (Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and half-sister (Seriously Demented: BPD Mother Replacing Daughter) to take part in her campaign. She tried to organize them to 'crash my wedding' ... we had to have security at our wedding ceremony for protection. How very sad. Is this the behavior of a loving, supportive, and **normal** mother?

The campaign employs lies, exaggerations, fictions, partial truths, and other reality distortion techniques. Campaigns of denigration are often done behind the scenes.  They may start months or years before the target is even aware of the campaign. By the time the target is aware of the distortions, people around the BPD may have been hearing for a long time that the target is some evil, horrible, cruel person as part of the campaign of denigration. What is so powerful is the thought from outsiders that a mother couldn't possibly be lying like this about her very own child, could she!?!?! And thus, the mother has power, and the child is vilified. Peg Streep talks about this in "Mean Mothers" that the child is the one on trial in the court of opinion when against a mother.

The BPD is likely to make extreme false allegations, distortions, and varied lies to defame and harm her target. The BPD is also likely to involve many other people in the campaign of denigration. Many are passive participants who will listen and believe the BPD’s lies. Others become actively involved in spreading lies further. The target may find dozens of people, many whom have never met him / her, who believe and repeat the lies of the BPD. I know that my mother will try to talk to anyone who will listen (she loves pity as she is the hurting victim) so I am sure there are many people out there that I am unaware who have heard many false allegations, distortions, and lies about me. And you know what? I don't care. If any of these people chose to believe my mother, so be it. I can't be a politician to try to convince them otherwise. Que sara, sara-- what will be, will be. What I do know is that I am truly blessed with a wonderful group of family and friends who are my family. And those family and friends are who I concentrate on... not the nasty evil makings of my mother.

What lies do BPDs tell? BPD's tend to pick false accusations that are difficult to disprove. Although we supposedly live in a society in which people are 'innocent until proven guilty', the reality is, people are not treated this way. The victims of the campaign of denigration often are treated as outcasts or even criminals, assumed to be guilty without any evidence whatsoever. A pitiful point is: just because she's my **mother** many don't require evidence to deem me guilty--  why would a mother falsely accuse her daughter who she claims to love so very much!?!?

The perhaps surprising aspect of many of these defamatory statements is that they are not about the target at all. Often BPDs are aware at some level that they themselves are doing these bad behaviors. So instead of taking responsibility for their own problems, they blame them on others. This behavior is known as “projection.”  The BPD lies by partial truth and distortion. BPD's excel at this. They are believed and seldom questioned because of their emotional intensity and conviction they exhibit while they repeat their lies. My mother is very smart and very clever. She can build lie upon lie, and she sounds so very convincing... and she is convincing because she believes her own lies. And as far as projection, she has always saw me as an extension of herself. Therefore, when she is saying the lies, she fully believes them because she thinks of me as an extension of herself and these lies are actually truths of what she feels about herself. 

BPD's have trouble knowing what the truth is due to a combination of problems. Sometimes they may experience cognitive dissociation in which they temporarily break from reality and may honestly experience reality completely differently from any observers. My mother seems to cycle in and out of reality, which also corresponds with our estrangements. Her sense of reality is skewed on a certain level consistently but manageable for our relationship to remain active. However, she becomes completely irrational at times, typically spurred on by fears of abandonment or rejection, which throws her out of reality. She is transformed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, and our relationship is cut off. She has always been very careful to show the public only a sweet and smiley side. The public doesn't see the irrational, unreasonable, and destructive person that I experience and see.

I have tried to talk to her about our past estrangements, and her reasoning behind why they occurred is completely off-base from what actually happened. She claims she doesn't remember some of the events, and she even stated that she instigated the estrangement just to make sure that I could make it on my own if she were ever gone. Say what!?!? A mother would go for FIVE YEAR STINTS away from her daughter just to make sure that she could make it on her own when her daughter was already living independently!?!? Irrational and illogical. And when I confronted her about the 'smack' she said about me, she flat-out denied it. But reality does not matter to BPD's. What matters is the ability to convince other people to take their sides during conflict and to protect themselves from “threats” such as being alone or being held accountable for their actions.

Why don’t people see the BPD's who conduct campaigns of denigration as the liars they are? Often BPD's tell varying lies to different people who don’t talk to each other and so the obvious deception is not apparent. My mother's relationships are predominately with people who live out of the state and have no contact with each other. Additionally, often the BPD’s emotional intensity and ability to play on people’s emotions makes them master manipulators. When my mother and I first became estranged in 2004, my step-grandmother was ill and subsequently died. My mother didn't call to inform me of her death but cried to others around her that I am heartless because I didn't know my step-grandmother died. How convoluted and illogical is that!? And when she declared she was 'out' of my wedding, I asked her in several emails and voice messages if she really meant what she said or was her declaration simply a threat.  She never responded but actively spread the lie that I kicked her out of the wedding and ripped her heart out.

People tend to “just believe” because the BP can come across as very charming, warm and friendly. Untrained, uncritical listeners are particularly susceptible at being duped by their lies. Eventually, they may believe the lies so completely that even when confronted with evidence such as writings, photographs, recordings, 3rd party versions of events, and other evidence, they refuse to accept that they were duped into believing lies. Even many mental health care professionals fall for the campaigns of denigration for a while. They get sucked into false sympathy and emotional alignment with the BPD rapidly. They fall for false stereotypes, such as “all men are abusers”, that BPD's use to their advantage.

The campaign of denigration also tends to damage many people around the BPD.  Divorce situations in which the children are taught by a BPD parent to hate the other parent based upon lies is very common. This is also known as “parental alienation”. My Dad was very adept with Parental Alienation as well as my mother. Each parent attempted to have my brother and me chose between parents. And if we lived with one parent, we didn't have a relationship with the other parent. I wrote more about of Parental Alienation in Adult Children of Parental Alienation as well as other areas of my blog. Parental Alienation is a form of emotional child abuse; therefore, BPD's or others who do this to children are child abusers.

Bottom-line, my mother has not fought to have me in her life-- she has fought to denigrate me and keep me out of her life. And she compounds estrangements with campaigns of denigration furthering my mistrust of her. I would fight TOOTH AND NAIL to NEVER allow ANYTHING to get in between my child and me. My mother would rather spend her time and energy talking terribly about me. Who needs this in their life when life has so many loving, caring, and kind people in this world? So when people ask me if I will ever reconcile with her, I respond with the fact I don't trust her. And at this point, the trust cannot be repaired after the extensive damage my mother has created.

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics Continue | My APD Brother Visits

 

I missed my brother. I hadn't seen him in over 10 years and although I know the mess that he is (Adult Child in Crisis and Antisocial Personality Disorder), I still missed him. My husband and I had planned to go up to see him several times through the last couple of years, but either money was tight or my brother was a bigger mess than ever. Trips were planned then rescheduled but we had intent on going up to see him.

We wanted to go up to see him on his turf, that way we had control of our environment and what our child was / wasn't exposed to. I felt more comfortable going up there and staying in a hotel than bringing him down here where he would be in our home and we could be put into awkward or compromising situations (drugs, his behavior, etc).

Push came to shove, and more years passed without getting to see my brother so one day when he and I were texting, he mentioned how he was free to come visit. I found cheap plane tickets, got the approval of my husband, and boom, the tickets were purchased by me (my brother made it clear he had no money to pay for plane tickets, but flying him down here was cheaper than flying all three of us up there).

Pretty much right after I bought the tickets, I started having remorse about bringing him down to our home because he immediately started with the parties he wanted to attend, where he needed me to drive him, and more. As a side note, we live about an hour away from all the things he wanted me to drive him to. I also started to fret about whether or not he'd bring drugs into my house. The icing on the cake was when he announced, point blank, that he would be arriving with "no money". Say what!? I just bought the plane tickets and now he's announcing he would have "no money".

I ended up crafting an email that I sent to him, specifically laying out all expectations and rules, as well as what we are willing to do and not do. I started off with stating he WILL bring spending money. I added that we won't be taxing him around but if he wants to attend functions he can arrange rides or take a taxi (boy, that would be expensive from where we live!). I also explicitly said that he will not bring drugs into our home for many reasons. He received the email stating "these things didn't need to be said" but agreed to all conditions. Shew, thank goodness that was over. Or so I thought.

Now, when I picked him up from the airport, that was WONDERFUL. He was very warm with me and with meeting his niece for the first time. And our first bit together was wonderful as well. We had big laughs, fun times, and lots of smiles. That was until I received an email from a mutual friend that knew my brother was in town and wanted to let me know about his shenanigans behind my back with my mother. She detailed how he had been emailing my mother pictures of my child even though I strongly stated since her birth that I didn't want him to do so. She also said that he was bad-mouthing me to my mother in order to get in her good favor so she'd buy him things and send him money. She forwarded a few emails that she was included in the communications. I was FLOORED, HEART-BROKEN, and CONFUSED.

I know that my brother is a con-artist. I know he manipulates for survival. AND I knew I wasn't immune to his games. BUT I didn't think he would stoop so low as to include my child. I was up all night trying to process the information I received and to rectify how I was going to proceed with my brother at my house! I decided not to tell my husband of the betrayal as I didn't want him to be angry or have tension during my brother's stay. And I also decided not to say anything to my brother and to carry-on as if nothing happened.

Interestingly enough, the next day, my brother receives a text-message from my mother that she knows he's in-town visiting me. She was very mad at him. Apparently he had told her that he was coming to visit me then told her the plans were cancelled and then never told her that he was actually coming (he did this with Dad too). She found out he was in town with me and flew off the handle, texting him numerous times to "f*&k off" He burst into tears as we sat on the deck of my house, screaming loudly that he wishes she would just die and let him be. What!?!?

Due to having his financial security cut-off from his mother, he ended up texting Dad the next day to tell him that he's in town. My brother told me that his goal was to hit him up for some money. They made plans for lunch. Interesting and BIZARRE (yes, there is that word again!), my Dad made my brother walk up the street to meet him rather than to drive down my driveway. I know NOW why, but then I didn't. I was puzzled as I was going to go out to greet him, be cordial, and see if possibly we could progress from there-- break the ice, so to speak. I know now my weakness was not a good thing. Staying strong is important. Believing in where you've been, where you are now, and where you're going in the future is vital. Read on...

Well, they go out to lunch and upon returning, my brother throws his arms around me and starts to cry, saying, "I love you so much. I appreciate you so much. I know I don't say it enough, so I am saying it now." And he kept hugging me so hard. I was baffled as to where this behavior was all coming from, and I KNEW that the behavior was a case of "he who protests too much." But the how-who-why-what-when was yet to be seen.

That night I get an email in the middle of the night from my sister-in-law:

Hi Gretel,

I left you a voice mail message. I'm concerned how your brother is treating your family situation and I feel that I need to step in at this point to let you know that he's possibly taken advantage of your generosity for his own advantage. I wanted to give you a heads up that he's said some things to possibly make your family situation worse with your relationship with your Dad & step-mother.

Not that it is remotely my place due to the fact I'm a total outsider when it comes to your family's situation but the last thing I want is for your relationship with your Dad to become any more strained because of false pretenses presented by someone with their own agenda.

I love you dearly and I want to make sure that you protect yourself and yours over anything else. I very honestly and truly hope that you and yours are doing well and wish the best on you. You're good people!

I haven't told (my step-brother / her husband) that I've let you know my overhearings and he'll be totally pee----eeeed off if he finds out so please try to keep me out of it best you can otherwise I'll be meshed into the drama and cycle of issues too.

WOAH! My heart was racing a million miles an hour and my head was spinning. What is my brother doing to my family and me under my own roof!?!?! I immediately called her back. She was very quiet as she didn't want my step-brother / her husband to hear what she was saying. She started with the fact that my brother called my step-mother (the one who hasn't spoken to my brother in a decade, the reason my brother didn't attend my wedding) to tell her that my home is out-of-control, my child is spoiled, that my husband & I are "horrible" parents, and much more. I was astounded.

My sister-in-law told me a little of what was said but not much. She simply wanted me to be aware of the dangerous things my brother was spreading about my family in order to get money from my Dad. He apparently made the situation at my house appear that we forced him to spend his money doing all of these kiddy things for our "spoiled" child that he had no money left. And I suppose once he got on a roll and had the attention of the people he's wanted the attention from for so long, that he kept embellishing, building on the fabrications, and created a huge lie that caused my Dad and step-mother to go hysterical.

But hysterical? Really!?!? Why would my step-mother be interested in my business if she hasn't for the last three years? Why would my step-mother take any credence to what my brother is telling her since she has no respect or trust with my brother? The answer lies into everything they are about-- how they've conducted themselves since I was a small child. These people are taken with their own importance (My Dad, the Narcissistic King) and are so insecure they take so much joy in judging others. They insist upon themselves-- and in the process ruin relationships, create so much damage, and cause pain. They are critical parents who will never be kind or approving.

Well, I didn't hold back any of this from my husband. I immediately talked to my husband about the situation, stating that I felt the desire to take my brother down to the airport and drop him off at a Motel 6 until the end of his stay. How could I even look him in the eye!? How could I even sit in the same room as him? I couldn't say anything as I promised my sister-in-law that I would keep it all to myself (she stated that her marriage couldn't endure the drama that this could potentially create), and I completely respect her request. I truly appreciate her openness and also sense of urgency to want to let us know.

My husband agreed to take him to the airport on the morning of his flight, but the rest of his time with us would be AWKWARD. I concentrated all my attention on my child, but I also felt like I was walking in a fog. The day came for him to leave, and although I was more than ready for this EVIL to be out of my house, I was sad about the goodbye as I know it's not just goodbye for now, it's goodbye forever. I can't allow this type of drama, danger, and dysfunction around my child like what happened to me. I will not have another generation cycle through this confusion. I will not have my child trying to figure out what the heck happened to her during her childhood like what happened to me. My child WILL have a happy, care-free, secure, supportive, and unconditionally loving childhood.

So, any thought of allowing my Dad back into my life, even on the superficial level as I was contemplating, has been completely eliminated from my thoughts. Having my brother in my home created the exact results I feared, except the negative actions weren't what I anticipated. No-one has changed. If anything, they have gotten worse. Life is not a game, family members are not pawns, and all the mean, nasty, and hateful behavior is unacceptable in a life that is so short & precious.

What transpired during my brother's visit was a gentle message from above or my guardian angel to not soften-up.... that where I am in my life has been a hard fought battle and that I should guard that happiness, peace, and contentment with all my might... that my child is precious and that a gift like her needs to be protected. I was given the privilege of looking back for one week at what I left: a narcissistic Dad (My Dad, The Narcissistic King), a nasty Queen mother (Understanding My Borderline Mother), a manipulative con-artist brother (Antisocial Personality Disorder), and more. And I say this experience was a privilege because the lesson was immense, no permanent damage resulted, and evil left my home for good.

Now my sweet and simple life continues :)

Critical Parents | How Much is Too Much?

How much is too much criticism from your critical parent? How long do you keep on wishing things will change when things stay the same-- criticisms, judgment, and nit picking? How many second chances do you give your critical parent? What steps do you take deal with the critical parent? When do you draw the line and create boundaries? When do you separate yourself and when do you cut ties all together?

How to Deal with a Critical Parent

Understand that a parent who gives in to the desire and need to criticize a vulnerable child is on some level cruel, ignorant and completely unaware. Why else would they give in to the temptation to make their own children feel so badly about themselves? They either lack understanding as to what their words are doing, or they lack kindness. Either way, they are lacking. Every time they criticize you, tell yourself that this shows that they are the ones who are flawed, not you. Just remember that just because you're genetically linked (or adopted by) this person, doesn't give him / her the right to mistreat you.

How to address your critical parent can be a tricky proposition. People in general can become defensive, retreat, or run away. But when the person is your own parent, so many more dynamics come in to play. And although you may make the most honorable, loving, and concerted effort to keep the relationship afloat, your parent may not see things the same way you do. The following is a series of steps I took to approach my critical parents:

1. Do Nothing: For a long time, I did nothing. I thought that after time, the judgmental criticisms would go away when I proved myself to be worthy. I thought that after I exhibited my independence and showed how successful I was as a person, my parent would magically become this nicer, unconditionally loving, and careful parent. WRONG. Obviously, doing nothing won't change how your critical parent treats you. So if doing nothing is the option chosen, you'll have to accept that he / she is the one that is flawed and know that he / she will not change. I wasn't to that stage, as I kept blaming myself. Not until I started to understand that my parent was the flawed one did I start seeing the light and coming to terms with the relationship.

2. Communicate: I tried communicating my desire for an unconditional and loving relationship with my parent and expressed how I felt when I left from a visit-- dejected, empty, and sad. The result? My parent became more critical, more judgmental, and more dysfunctional.

Alice Miller encourages grown children to express anger and pain to their parents, not to punish or change, but to develop an authentic relationship. When you say no more, the word "no" is a word that never should be negotiated because the parent who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. Declining to hear "no" is a signal that someone is either seeking to control or refusing to relinquish control.

So, if you opt to communicate your displeasure with your mistreatment, be firm with your stance and consistent with your reactions. Be honest and relate that the criticisms really hurt. Being honest like this is hard but if you want to have a relationship with your parent and not tolerate the abuse, speak your mind to try to improve the situation. Further, let the parent know that you no longer want to hear their criticisms and sharing them with you is no longer an option. And if your parent decides not to accept your feelings or your requests, realize that you own your feelings and that you have every right to feel the way you do and that every relationship has mutual respect. Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself.

3. Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries was the next step. When I was a teenager, keeping involved in school activities and functions kept me from being at home and the recipient of the mistreatment. Once I was out on my own, I physically separated myself from my parents. For example, if you live next-door to your parents, consider moving to the other side of town. If you live in your parent's house, consider renting an apartment or buying your own home.

I also limited calls and visits. For example, if your mother asks you to call every day, politely explain that you are only able to call once a week. Or, if your father demands weekly visits, kindly explain that you are only able to visit one weekend a month. Along with limiting calls & visits, I set boundaries on the amount of time my parents spent at my home-- and dropping by unannounced was a big no-no. If violations of boundaries occur, let the parent know immediately and remind the parent of the boundaries.

In my case, the boundaries didn't help in regard to criticisms. The criticisms coming from my parent only accelerated as time progressed. Even if I only saw my parent three times a year, I left every single visit feeling terrible. My parent would completely crush me with snide or off-hand comments, cutting comments at opportune times, and make mountains out of mole hills leaving me completely baffled as to where this treatment was coming from.

4. Separate Yourself: Now I was forced to take the next step, which was to separate myself-- not a permanent estrangement or no-contact situation, but a time for reflection and review of the relationship. During this time, I politely turned-down invitations for get-togethers and avoided communications with the parent. My goal was that through keeping this space between myself and my parent, time may ease tensions and make appreciation for the other grow. My hope was that my parent would be more grateful to see me, softer with approach, and also realize errors in the way I was treated. Nope. Maybe things were a bit brighter upon the first visit after the separation, but the critical treatment quickly returned and at a greater intensity.

The single greatest power adult children have is the ability to GET AWAY. Simply talking aobut the source of danger does not make it go away. Saying, "I won't tolerate being treated this way" and failing to leave demonstrates lack of conviction and ambivalence.

Remember some parents have a need for perfection and tend to be judgmental by nature. They see the flaws, instead of the strengths, and in every human, if you look for flaws, you will find flaws. Such parents are wired to find the glass half empty, instead of half full. This has nothing to do with you, or who you are, or what you are worth as a person. Such people rarely, if ever, change. Let go of the belief that if you tried harder you would suddenly gain their approval. You won't.

The giver of criticism, rather than the receiver,
is usually the one who has a problem and needs to change.

5. Estrangement / No-Contact: So after decades of trying and progressive steps to try to 'create' a loving and compassionate parent, I decided to stop trying. First off, you can't change anyone... but YOURSELF. Second, life is too short. Acknowledging both of these points, I made a conscious effort to surround myself with loving, approving people. I broke off all contact with my critical parent and made sure that my life was filled with people who see the good in me and who aren't too afraid or too petty to give me the affirmation and positive feedback my soul deserves.

Sure I wish things were different. I would love to have a warm and loving relationship with my parents. Sure I wish I had parents that are accepting and supportive-- but that's not what I was given. And because I recognize and understand where my parents are coming from, I chose not to participate. I chose to be happy. I chose to have love in my life. I chose to have people in my life that see the GOOD in others.

If a person can't see the good in others, he / she is lacking
basic qualities needed for healthy human relationships.

I am presently estranged from both of my parents, but each relationship manifested itself completely differently. What was the drawing-line in one relationship was not the same drawing-line for the other. My Dad's relationship was progressively souring, whereas my mother's relationship was cyclical with a distinct blow-up suddenly initiating an estrangement. In other words, my Dad & my relationship was a slow decline leading to an estrangement, and my mother & my relationship went into an estrangement abruptly.

My Mother: the suddenly critical parent

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and we've been estranged off and on in 5 year cycles for most of my life. During 'good' times, her BPD symptoms consisted of inappropriate social behavior, bouts of depression, impulsive behaviors (shopaholic, over-eating, hording, self-medicating), and unstable patterns of social relationships. During the 1999 - 2004 period, her dysfunctional and critical behaviors were not aimed at me, and therefore, we floated along in a relationship.

Prior to our 2004 estrangement, my mother and I were getting along very well. We visited with each other at least two times a month, I was helping her to get her house organized & cleaned, and we talked on the phone often sharing life experiences. If my mother had remained stable as describe, I could tolerate the quirks and would maintain contact. I never thought I had an authentic relationship with her, however, as I had to walk on eggshells around her regarding my Dad, my childhood, and any discussions related to either.

My estrangement with my mother started mid-way through 2004 (Little Women) when she didn't agree with what my then fiance (now husband) and I were discussing in regard to our wedding. We didn't have any wedding plans; in fact, we hadn't even started doing any planning) In my opinion, the estrangement didn't occur because she blew up about the wedding-- the estrangement occurred because of:

• a complete loss of trust originating from her campaign of denigration (horrible criticisms, lies, exaggerations, and manipulations) against me (Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting her Allies Against Her Target of Rage) and
  
• how she distorted and manipulated the facts of what happened.
  

If she simply had blown-up about the wedding and then let things cool down to where we could move on, the estrangement may not have happened AT THAT POINT. Now don't get me wrong-- the estrangement would have happened as it's happened about every 5 years. SOMETHING would have set off her fuse and caused a blow up to which she would over-react.

And therein lies the root of the Borderline's tragic personality-- what drives the Borderline's personality is their real or imagined fear of rejection and / or abandonment. Clearly her cycles of depression, manic, and psychotic phases of BPD are evident through her patterns of estranged relationships: myself, her father, her sister, my brother, her husbands (3), circles of friends discarded. So, with the wedding being an event where she perceived a potential abandonment, she flipped the situation to where she claims I rejected her... or as she puts it, I 'kicked' her 'out' of the wedding.

More specifically, Borderlines have such a fear of abandonment that they set-up a situation to be rejected. The BPD turns a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde, seemingly out-of-the blue, around the time that they feel threatened by rejection or abandonment. Along with a huge blow-up that is irrational and not based on reality, the BPD starts a campaign of denigration to turn friends and family against her target of rage (me in this case).

Despite how nonsensical this sounds to you the reader, this behavior is part and parcel of the BPD personality. The BPD is essentially beating the target of rage (me) to the punch by starting a situation that ultimately must end in an estrangement, and in the process attempts to gather the target of rage's (my) friends and family as allies in order to confirm that it's not his / her fault. The Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation accompanied by the campaign of denigration is usually too much for the target of rage (me) to handle; thus the target of rage (me) retreats; therefore, the BPD's fears of abandonment come to fruition by all fault of his /her own. The result is an estrangement with the BPD pleading she /he is the victim. The target of rage (me) who went from being idealized to devalued almost instantaneously, is left stunned and puzzled in regard to the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde transformation.

Even in the absence of my wedding, another situation would have certainly presented itself where my mother would have flipped her lid, and the idealization of me would have instantaneously changed to devaluation. This pattern has presented itself in the 80's, 90's, and 2000's where my mother would flip her lid about petty or minuscule things ending with an estrangement. Her disagreement with my wedding wasn't the reason for the estrangement-- my mother's reaction to the disagreement that was the reason. Her reaction was one filled with anger, venom, hatred, manipulations, gossip, and lies, which all led to a complete loss of trust. During the Dr. Jekyll times, things were good. During Mr. Hyde times, estrangements occur. Thus, the cycle of BPD.

My Dad: the always critical parent

In contrast, my Dad is a completely different story. My Dad doesn't cycle through varying behavior, attitudes, or dispositions. He is always a selfish and a highly critical narcissist, who is getting worse as he is getting older and retired. He loves the blame game and guilt trips. He enjoys criticizing, nit-picking, and judging. He's a prolific gossip and loves manipulating those around him for his gain. He feels like the world revolves around him, loves being the center of attention, and demands a great deal of praise & admiration from others. He takes advantage of those around him and lacks empathy.

Whether not my last straw happened in December 2008 (Holidays Leading to Last Straw), our relationship had been on the downswing for years. In fact, when my husband & I had left from our Thanksgiving 2008 visit, I knew that I would not continue subjecting myself, husband, and now child to this toxic, dysfunctional, and very criticizing experience. Since the early 2000's, I have left visits with him feeling empty, dejected, and sad. No matter how I set my mind to having a positive experience prior to the gathering, it never failed-- I would leave feeling horrible.

Conclusion-- How to Handle the Critical Parent

No two parental situations are exactly the same, so what may work in one situation may not be the best in another. However, doing something to improve your situation is imperative when dealing with a critical parent. By simply being conscious of the effects of criticism, you'll actually begin to negate the effects. Bringing to the surface the impact of criticism can actually help it dissipate and lose the power it has in your life.

Steps to gain control include: doing nothing, communicating your feelings and expectations, setting boundaries, separating yourself from your parent, and estrangement / no-contact. Steps can be completely skipped or passed through quickly depending on the individual situation.

Most importantly, let go of the hope that your critical parent will ever change. Stop looking for approval from the parent. Understand why the parent is like this, but stop looking to them for approval and support you will probably never get. Having a critical parent is not your fault, and you can't make this critical parent into a kind and approving parent.

The Narcissist and Emotional Intelligence

Our reactions with each other have extensive biological impact, spreading cascades of hormones that regulate everything from our hearts to our immune systems, making good relationships act like vitamins - and bad relationships like poisons. We can "catch" other people's emotions the way we catch a cold, and the consequences of isolation or relentless social stress can be life-shortening.

Daniel Goleman, who authored "Social Intelligence" explains the surprising accuracy of first impressions, the basis of charisma and emotional power, the complexity of sexual attraction, and how we detect lies. He describes the "dark side" of social intelligence, including narcissism. I want to further explore this "dark side' by comparing and contrasting Emotional Intelligence (EI) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Emotional Intelligence (EI) has several facets, which are grounded in our:

• self-knowledge: simply an understanding of yourself and your goals and abilities
  
• empathy: a very eloquent definition was provided by psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut, who defines empathy as “the capacity to think and feel oneself into the inner life of another person”
  
• likability: how well you are liked with critical elements of personality encompassing friendliness, empathy, realness, and capacity to connect
  
• ability to connect people and ideas
  

NPD symptoms are as follows:

1. grandiosity / exaggeration
2. fantastic thinking / romantic
3. believes special / unique
4. requires admiration
5. entitled / demanding
6. exploitative / manipulative
7. lacks empathy
8. envious / jealous
9. arrogant / haughty

Narcissism leads to breakdowns in relationships. This doesn’t surprise me. Compare and contrast the two lists above. The first facet of EI is possessing self-knowledge which the NPD's vision of himself doesn't match his true self (grandiose/exaggeration, believes special/unique). The second facet of EI is being empathetic, and the NPD exhibits very little, if not any, empathy toward others. The third facet of EI is likeability, which may be the only facet that the NPD may be able to pull off for a short period of time. Narcissists tend to be likeable, friendly and easy to get on with; often they are fun to be with. But it is all a sham - in reality they are only behaving like this in order to get your attention and fuel their addiction for being seen as wonderful. The last facet of EI is the ability to connect people and ideas, which the NPD possess a kind of street-smart EI. They are acutely aware of whether people are with them wholeheartedly and know who they can use and can be brutally exploitative

Most of us have dealt with narcissists in the workplace, home, or social settings. When we interact with a narcissistic individual, there’s no real relating going on. It’s all about one person. There’s an absence of empathetic exchange and mutuality, two prerequisites for healthy and rewarding relationships. Research evidence (Student Research in Psychology at Southeast Missouri State University) was found that those with higher levels of NPD symptomatically described themselves as lacking emotional control and emotional repair, and as being emotional preoccupied and concerned with the public impression of their emotional experiences. These results clearly indicate that people with NPD need to overcome several deficiencies in their emotional functioning.

In regard to the four constructs of EI, the following is a discussion of my Dad's behavior ( My Dad, the Narcissistic King) in comparison:

• Self Awareness: Since he's been retired, his narcissism has gotten much worse. I project that the loss of people to bark orders to and make him feel like the big shot has caused his ego & self esteem to take a hit. I also think that aging has caused the narcissism to become more prominent due to loss of looks and weight gain. Furthermore, his wife has fallen ill, and he has not been empathetic to her-- displaying rather cold reactions to her diagnosis and treatment.
• Self Management: He flies off the handle at the drop of the hat-- and when he loses his temper you'd better watch out. In 1979 when the divorce hit (You Dropped a Bomb on Me) and he discovered his wife (my mother) had been messing around with his friend, he was a MESS. He used us kids as pawns, being spies for him & brainwashing us against our mother. He had a private detective following her, trying to catch her in some act that he could use against her in court.
• Social Awareness: My Dad was always the life of the party since as early as I could remember. He's always been the center of attention, the boisterous talker with plenty of long-winded stories, and a laugh that could be heard around the block. When you're having a conversation with him, the conversation is actually dictated and managed by him. He controls the topic and the amount of time you have to speak. Even if you initially started talking about one thing, he will interject and twist the conversation into a totally different direction-- usually into some long story about something completely unrelated. He repeats the same stories without realizing he's already told you-- and I am amazed that he doesn't realize he's boring the listener to tears when the glazed over looks appear. He has been a status seeker, whether owning his own business, joining a country club, or always owning a new car. He loves to talk about the famous people he has brushed elbows with. We used to go out of our way to attend events where we may meet someone famous. I specifically remember one where we actually met ML King's mother! To this day, he always has a story about the highfalutin people he's met.
• Relationship Management: He has always been particular about 'his' time. When he's had enough of the kids on a holiday, he'll ask everyone to leave so that he can have time for himself. When he remarried to my step-mother, they would retreat into their master bedroom at 8:30pm, telling the kids not to bother them. He feels he's the expert on many topics, and he doesn't hesitate to interject how you should do this or that. If you're in a conflict with him, a disagreement or otherwise, he will want to have a 'talk' with you. This means that he wants to have your undivided attention, one on one, to tell you how you're wrong, need to apologize, and change. Even if you have what you want to say figured out before the 'talk', he can have you so discombobulated by time the 'talk' is over that you don't know what just hit you.

Further with relationship management, my Dad inflicted great emotional distress on my brother and me when he engaged in tactics to alienate us from our mother. See subsequent blog post: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome for details.

In each of these constructs, my Dad shows deficiency in how he conducts his emotions. My Dad being an overt manipulative narcissist (My Dad, the Narcissistic King) with an apparent low EI mirrors the results of many studies evaluating the EI of NPD's. Given the definition of NPD ("a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy"), a low EI is only a natural bi-product of the disorder. How can an individual with a skewed sense of self, constant need for emotional reassurances, and lacking in the ability to put one's self into someone else's shoes have a high emotional intelligence? Having an emotionally unstable Dad for decades has made for an unstable relationship, one that has been severely strained from conditional love, criticisms, judgments, and careless treatment.

The Road to Discovery and Understanding my Past

How did I get to this point of understanding my parents, my past, and how it all fit together? The path I traveled is convoluted and interesting.

I knew my mother wasn't 'right' when I was a little girl (In the Beginning). I didn't really think about it however. I didn't compare her to other mothers, and I guess I just accepted that this is the mother that is my mother. I knew she didn't cook meals like most mothers, I knew she was weird spending a great deal of time in her room in the dark, and I knew that she was not very nice. I always thought that she was mean because she wore her curlers too tight. Sounds funny now but I always correlated her worst moods to the days that she Dippity Doo'ed her hair up in those huge, tight, bobby-pinned rollers.

During their tumultuous divorce (You Dropped a Bomb on Me), I knew both parents were not treating the kids (my brother and me) the way kids should be treated, but I sucked it up and dealt with it. What else was I to do? I was warned by adults that my mother is crazy, but I think at this age, I wasn't ready to accept that or I couldn't grasp the full meaning of what that meant.

The hardest element to deal with was the guilt-trips. Plus I remember trying to handle the inordinate amount of stress that seemed to be squashing me. I spent a lot of time thanking God that he put a good head on my shoulders because that stress was terribly traumatic and confusing. At this point, I thought my mother was having a mid-life crisis or just horny as she was acting like a teenager with her new boyfriend, and that my Dad was depressed from getting his heart ripped out. I didn't see the sheer selfishness and CRAZINESS and how careless they treated us kids.

Around the age of 15, I realized that my mother was really sick in the head (Run Forrest Run). That's when I started to really pray for my safety and security as I felt in danger. I prayed I would make it until I was 18 years old and an adult on my own so that I could escape the verbal and mental abuse. My mother always said that she thought my brother has Borderline Personality Disorder. I never really thought about this term until decades later. At any rate, my mother was quick to say that my brother has deep seeded issues and needs institutionalization, which is another point that comes around again decades later. My father during my teenage years appeared self-absorbed, self-centered, and extremely selfish. He definitely was involved in his own life and the kids were a part of it-- rather than him being a part of his kids' life -or- more healthy, being a part of each others lives.

To further confirm my fears of my mother, she had a hysterical and irrational episode when I entered college: Out of the Nest. I knew she was mentally ill at this point. I just didn't know what. My father was still the self-absorbed, self-centered, and extremely selfish man that I knew I couldn't count on, depend on, or have to morally support me. I knew that I needed to get away from her, as well as protect and depend on myself. I knew I had to build a life for myself that I could be independent of my parents.

By the time my 20's rolled around, my mother mellowed out: Years with my Mother. My father and I didn't have much of a relationship-- and he made little to no effort to be involved in my life. By my late 20's, my mother flipped out. I still hadn't labeled what she was going through mentally, but I knew her behavior wasn't appropriate or 'normal'.

With my 30's, my mother was back to being 'nice (In Through the Out Door) during the first part of the decade, and then she flipped out again at the end of my 30's (Little Women). So, you can see the cycle. You can also see that fears of abandonment spur on the irrational thinking and estrangements. She even admitted that she brought on one of the estrangements just so she knew that I would be okay without her.

During the estrangement in my late 30's, I was talking to a friend over drinks. He started saying that she seems very depressed. I concurred that I knew that to be true. I also mentioned that she attempted suicide back in college. We also noted her manic phases, which are painted with spending sprees, binge eating, and other reckless behavior. We also noted her thinking that is not based in reality. The funny thing is that we never added all of these elements up.

Well, my brother ended up having some issues that he wanted answers to. I was doing research for him when I came across a book reviews about, "Understanding the Borderline Mother". I was immediately drawn to the stories that were identical to what I had been through my whole life. Reading simply the reviews was like reading about me! I bought the book and read it in two days. BINGO. This is my mother. After all those years of her saying my brother has BPD, she was perfectly projecting herself onto him. The Borderline mother, hating the person she is and knowing she needs helps, instead institutionalizes her child (think back when she did this to my brother). So, my friend and I had nailed it, but we just didn't put two and two together. The depression + the manic + the schizophrenia = the Borderline Personality Disorder. Wow. The answer was right there under my nose the whole time.

Reading the book was an eye opener and truly a gift. The book gave me tremendous peace of mind, applicable insight, and such closure. Additionally, it provided a lead to the next piece of the puzzle. The Borderline woman typically marries a Narcissist, and upon reading about the character types that the Borderline marries, my Dad fit the Narcissistic King perfectly. And by the way, my mother's present husband fits the Fisherman to a tee as well. This book is crazy as to what information it is able to provide.

During the time of my studies, his narcissism was become more and more profound due to extenuating factors such as retirement, aging, and an ailing wife. And his behavior toward me became worse and worse. As I studied Narcissistic Personality Disorder, he fit the symptoms bullet point by bullet point. WOW. See subsequent blog post: What Makes my Narcissist Dad Tick

Now the puzzle pieces fit together and answer so many questions. I have had a hard time contending with the fact that BOTH of my parents are messed up. Why BOTH!? Doesn't that make me look like the one who is the problem? Well it makes perfect sense now. You can't have a personality disordered wife married to a 'normal' husband as she is not getting what she needs emotionally. She has to have a narcissist to rescue her and to feed her ego. Plus she needs to be needed, and the narcissistic husband needs to be needed (but for a different reason), so they are the perfect match.

And to think that my mother is now married to a co-dependent man, who would figure such a thing? Well, that makes sense too. She really needs someone to push around when she becomes the Witch, and quite frankly, her present husband takes it. He's a whipping post for her, and she stays because he is the only long term relationship she has. And he stays because he hopes that the woman he met decades ago, the fun & happy woman, will come out of that Witch again.

When you read the devastating results a Borderline mother can have on an "All Bad" child (as the Borderline mother chooses who is "All Good" and who is "All Bad" based on the child's characteristics), you can clearly see why my brother is suffering as the "Lost Child" as he is to this present day. When you read about the pure selfishness, manipulations, and toxic control of the Narcissistic parent, you also know how that further compounds my brother's troubles. AND THEN when you add in the mind-blowing divorce, the premature remarriages with ready made families, and the lack of support my brother received during some terrible teen years, you definately KNOW that his troubles are rooted from dysfunctional and disordered parents-- who to this day say it's all HIS FAULT.

I also know that I have fought to get where I am mentally and emotionally. I have searched my soul up and down, I have thought about everything from all angles, I have talked my dear friends' ears off, I have read so many self help books it's sagging my shelf, I have read post after post on blogs & professional sites... and I have peace of mind knowing that I have given it my all, trying to make amends with my parents. And that to save myself, my husband, and most importantly my daughter from high levels of toxicity, I have to have no contact.

Life is so short, it's so sad that it has to end up this way. Thinking that I may never see or talk to my mother again, and that she will leave this world without meeting her granddaughter is a very tough pill to swallow. Realizing that all of this is not a 'game' as my Dad plays it, and that this is real life, MY LIFE, that is ticking by was a huge eye opener. I simply wish for unconditional love and acceptance from my parents, and that is not possible due to their personality types. So, I move my thoughts elsewhere, and thank God once again for the good head he put on my shoulders.

UPDATE: I discovered Parental Alienation Syndrome after this post, which was a huge eye-opener and A-HA discovery. Please refer to my blog post: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome

Estranged Parents Rearing Their Ugly Heads

It's funny. I've been concentrating on writing this blog, getting all the background information in so I can actually get into actually blogging, and lo & behold, both the Queen and the King reared their ugly heads into my life.

I am on Facebook, and I have checked to see if my mother has an account every now and then. My account is set to private, but I want to be able to fully block her if she happens to pop up. Well, she popped up last week. My heart hit the floor. Yikes, there she is. With the way Facebook is set up, if you are set to private, people can't see your profile but if you share a 'friend' with them, they could see your comments left on the Wall. If you block the person, you are completely invisible, including all comments left on a Wall. So, no hesitation, I blocked her.

Well, it was late at night and I didn't want to bug my brother, so I decided to wait until morning to warn him. By the time I got a hold of him in the morning, she had already Facebook emailed him. She said something to the effect of, "Funny seeing you here". What a bizarre thing to say after not communicating with your son for TEN YEARS. If you are reaching out to an estranged son wanting to open lines of communication, wouldn't you say something like, "I have missed you" or "How are you? I have been thinking of you"??

I advised my brother to not answer her and to block her. I reminded him of the vicious cycles we have endured with her-- and how each of the cycles concludes. I reminded him of how she will go after your friends and say horrible things about you, and how on Facebook, the system will easily facilitate her being able to find people from his past to talk smack to. And just as I warned, my mother had ALREADY contacted his fiance that she has never met! How ballsy! How presumptuous! How tacky! How MY MOTHER.

My brother, being soft hearted about her recently, said he had to 'think' about what to do. Time heals wounds, and the last attack on him by my mother was ten years ago. My wounds are fresher, plus I have brought a lot of this to the forefront by researching, reading, trying to understand, and writing about it. My clarity of thought is at a much different level than his at this point.

He instructs her to email him at his private email, and then he blocked her from Facebook. His fiance tells my mother that she doesn't want to get in the middle of anything and that she should contact my brother at his private email, then she blocks her as well. So, my mother writes my brother and asks how he's doing. My brother recently was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease, and since she has an auto-immune disease as well, he thought they'd have common ground for discussion AND a mother who could give valuable information about these diseases.

To his dismay, he got a scathing email about how horrible he's been since he was a child. That he has to own up to the things he's done since he was a child if he's to ever be a 'man'. She continued by saying that she and my Dad have had nothing to do with the choices he's made, the path in life he's taken, and where he is in life. As my brother read me her words, my stomach twisted into a knot, I started to shake, and I hyperventilated.

SHE HAS NOT CHANGED. SHE HAS GOTTEN WORSE. SHE IS CRUEL. SHE IS HATEFUL.

Now, I admit-- my brother has made some mistakes in life (haven't we all??), AND my brother DOES own up to them. BUT my mother and Dad have made extremely selfish choices through out their life that rarely (if ever) included my brother's best interests. Neither of them have owned up to this fact! In fact, both of them think that our past has absolutely nothing to do with who we are.

Instead of embracing my brother for who he is, for loving him for the person he has become, and believing in him, he gets shot down with how bad he is... AGAIN. I couldn't believe the cruel and hateful words... and I begged my brother to stop all communications with her immediately.

A couple days later, I went out to my mailbox to find a birthday card for my daughter from my Dad. He never contacted her for Christmas-- no card, no call, no present, no nothing. To top it off, he only saw her 5 times in 2008, which included showing up late, leaving early due to other obligations, and not spending one-on-one time with her. He doesn't show an interest in fostering a relationship with her and says that she's not 'normal' because she's timid toward him. But here's a birthday card. Hmmmm.

My Dad and I haven't communicated since December 27, 2008 (Holidays Leading to the Last Straw) when he sent me an email canceling coming over to my house to celebrate the Saturday after Christmas. The communications before that were harsh and uncaring because he was mad that my husband's parents were coming in town for Christmas preventing us from going to Dad's house Christmas Day - and- because he thought I made a 'big deal' about not receiving my gift from the family name drawing when I inquired about the shipping status of it.

So, I am holding this card to my daughter wondering what the motive is behind it. My life with him has always been a game, so what is the strategy behind his move? To make me feel guilty? To remind me he's still there? By the way, he's still gossiping to my brothers about me and presenting a poor-pitiful-me to them, saying he wants to give my daughter Christmas gifts but he's waiting for me to call him. Now that's ass backwards. "Hi Dad. Do you have gifts for my daughter? Oh, you do. Well, bring them over and give them to her". No, that's not how gift giving works. So, one of my brothers ponders to me, "Why doesn't he just pick up the phone and call you!? Or why doesn't he pack up the gifts and send them if he wants so much for her to have the gifts!?" My Dad wants control-- plain and simple. And I won't allow him to control me anymore. See subsequent blog post: What Makes my Narcissist Dad Tick

All I know is my life is so much more peaceful without all the drama... without the manipulations and control issues... without the conditions... so whatever the motive, it's my time to make the move in the game, and I am staying put.

My Dad, the Narcissistic King

My brother and I have been trying to get our Dad back again, ever since we 'lost' him when he remarried. The problem with our thinking, we have just discovered, is that we never had him to begin with. We have been trying to achieve the unachievable. We have been looking for understanding, compassion, unity-- and most of all acceptance as his child-- which he can never give. We continually get rejected, shot down, and handled so carelessly. He treats us like he doesn't like us. He may act like he is listening (if he ever stops telling his stories) but he's not hearing you. He gossips terribly about you behind your back and nit picks at everything about you and your life. This is no father-- much less friend. He acts like someone who is pushing you away for good.

Our Dad was torn between loyalty to his wife (in both marriages) and loyalty to his children. "Idealization of the father prevents depression and rage from surfacing and protects the child from feeling orphaned" p 302 Lawson. That idealization of my Dad has only come to realization recently, as his narcissism has grown exponentially due to his aging appearance, retirement, sickly wife, and unhappiness with his life in general. As his narcissism grows, the way he treats my brother and me grows worse as well.

Will a narcissistic father ever accept me? I love the answer that was given, "Give up. Achieve closure. He doesn't deserve more than what you have already given him. The word "love" is understood by the narcissist to mean "dependence", "neediness", "ability to provide narcissistic supply", "becoming the narcissist's extension and property". In these - distorted and sick - senses of the word, all narcissists love to be loved.

A post-mortem of a relationship conducted with a narcissist is very frustrating because it never achieves closure. The narcissist is interested exclusively in allocating blame and generating guilt - not in progressing, developing, atoning, soothing, or concluding anything. Such exercises in futility are best avoided.

Narcissistic psychopaths have no friends, or lovers, or spouses, or children, or family - they have only objects to be manipulated. Narcissists have no problem perceiving ideas (many narcissists are intellectually gifted). But they do have a problem perceiving other people's ability to conceive of ideas, to have their own needs, emotions, and preference. Wouldn't you be startled if your television set suddenly informed you that it would rather not work on a Sunday? Or if your vacuum cleaner wanted to befriend you? To narcissists, other people are instruments, tools, sources - in short: objects. Objects are not supposed to have opinions or to make independent choices and decisions - especially if they don't comply with the narcissist's worldview or plans, or if they do not cater to his needs."

I totally relate with this answer. To have a relationship with my Dad is to be subjected to the blame game and to guilt trips. The blame game is intense, and along with the blame game comes criticism, judgment, and nit picking. AND if you don't play by my Dad's rules, you must have a "talk" with him, which translated means you are reverted to a 10 year old being scolded by your Daddy for being bad. He attempts to manipulate your thinking with guilt, promises of money & things, and intimidation. No matter what you do, you walk away from these "talks" feeling very small. And no matter what, you don't receive unconditional love from him. I don't even know if he can love-- as the answer above said, narcissists view people as objects. I continually feel like an object in my life, that he places at events, gatherings, and holidays for show as he doesn't have conversations with me, doesn't inquire what's going on in my life... and if I ever do have a chance to speak to him, I am quickly interrupted for one of his long winded and disjointed stories.

So, what exactly is a narcissist?

• grandiose sense of self-importance. CHECK.
  

In our family, he always positions himself as the one who keeps the family together although he is the one who is tearing it apart. He subjected my brother and me to Parental Alienation Syndrome against our mother, treating us like pawns in his chess game of divorce: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome. He also anchored his identity in his job, and after retirement his narcissism has come out immensely. Now he is boasting that he being used as an 'expert witness' for high profile cases and needs to fly for depositions.

• lives in a dream world of exceptional success, power, beauty, genius, or "perfect" love. CHECK.

His marriage has been a dream world of perfect love. He talks about his wife with disrespect ("I'm having a mid life crisis. So, I could either get a divorce or a Corvette, so I opted for the car"), talks about his wife's daughter with disdain but plays the game of nicey-nicey anyway, and he acts loving toward his wife in public but behind the scenes he lives a separate life from her.

• thinks of himself as "special" or privileged, and that he or she can only be understood by other special or high-status people. CHECK.

He joined a very expensive country club (and has to remind you just how expensive it is) and talks about the high profile people he mingles with. He moved into a highly affluent neighborhood and name drops about all the famous people that reside in the community (and who he has brushed elbows with). He makes sure also to tell you these long, drawn out stories of all the famous / special / high-status people that he encountered in his socializing and travels.

• demands excessive amounts of praise or admiration from others. CHECK.

He relishes all the staff at the country club bowing down to him. He also demands praise and admiration from the folks he works with, talking down to them if not getting what he wants-- then making jokes to cover up his harshness.

• feels entitled to automatic deference, compliance, or favorable treatment from others. CHECK.

Since I've been a small child, he would go off on service people if he didn't get what he wanted when he wanted, how he wanted, etc. And if the situation was rectified to his satisfaction as quickly as possible, he would culminate into a boiling rage. He walks into restaurants with an air about him, like he owns the place.

• exploitative towards others and takes advantage of them. CHECK.

Since I was a small child, he ALWAYS has people doing things for him, whether it was the tab at the local pharmacy for our prescriptions, the mechanic, the builder, or whoever... he exploited his relationships and took advantage of what he could.

• lacks empathy and does not recognize or identify with others' feelings. SUPER DOOPER BOLD CHECK.

He completely is void here. VOID. There is not an ounce of empathy in him for anyone, including his presently ailing wife. He has never been empathetic and doesn't identify with the feelings of others. Observing how he reacted to my grandparents deaths in the 1970's, how he handled us kids during the divorce with our mother in the late 1970's and 1980's, how he's handled my brother's trials & tribulations in life, and how he's dealt with his wife's road to diagnosis and treatment for a debilitating disease.

• frequently envious of others or thinks that they are envious of him or her. CHECK.

His apparent envy for my husband's status in the professional world is very apparent. What also is apparent is the change in the way my Dad treats me since I've been married to the professional. When I was dating guys that were in the service industry or whatnot, my Dad was much nicer and caring than now with the man who is professional and successful. A poignant observation relating to the narcissists envy.

• "has an attitude" or frequently acts in haughty or arrogant ways. A LITTLE CHECK.

My Dad is a true entertainer, and he's all about appearances. So, he doesn't necessarily act in a displeasing way to people although he is passively haughty, arrogant, and copping an attitude.

Subgroups

• Craving narcissists. These are people who feel emotionally needy and undernourished, and may well appear clingy or demanding to those around them.
• Paranoid narcissists. This type of narcissist feels intense contempt for him- or herself, but projects it outward onto others. Paranoid narcissists frequently drive other people away from them by hypercritical and jealous comments and behaviors.
• Manipulative narcissists. These people enjoy "putting something over" on others, obtaining their feelings of superiority by lying to and manipulating them. CHECK.
  
• Phallic narcissists. Almost all narcissists in this subgroup are male. They tend to be aggressive, athletic, and exhibitionistic; they enjoy showing off their bodies, clothes, and overall "manliness."

Symptoms

• Most observers regard grandiosity (CHECK) as the most important single trait of a narcissistic personality. It is important to note that grandiosity implies more than boasting or prideful display as such—it signifies self-aggrandizement that is not borne out by reality. In addition, grandiosity complicates diagnostic assessment of narcissists because it frequently leads to lying and misrepresentation of one's past history and present accomplishments.

My Dad has told everyone, and continues to tell everyone (and everyone that I know of believes him) that he graduated from college... and he didn't.

• a tendency to be attracted to leadership or high-profile positions or occupations. CHECK.

He owned his own company-- but before that he was never accepting of the non-leadership / low-profile positions he held. In fact, when he left his position in sales to open his own business, the transition was full of drama, turmoil, and severing ties.

• a pattern of alternating between unrealistic idealization of others and equally unrealistic devaluation of them. CHECK.

He unrealistically idealizes his step-granddaughter (she can do absolutely nothing wrong) and unrealistically devalues my daughter. Although he doesn't know my daughter, he has been highly critical of her actions as a THREE MONTH OLD, he has made no effort to get to know her but criticizes her when she is shy to him, and says hurtful things that she doesn't understand yet (but I do) such as, "If you weren't the way you are, you could be here with us" (he was hugging his step granddaughter and my daughter was playing on the floor in front of him). See subsequent blog post: What Makes my Narcissist Dad Tick

• a need to be the center of attention or admiration in a working group or social situation. BIG FAT CHECK.

LOVES and RELISHES being the center of attention-- my mother always said this bothered her (but I also think that's why she loved him in the first place). He places himself as the center of attention no matter the situation. His laugh is loud, is talking is loud, the dominates the conversation, his stories are too long, and he makes sure everyone knows he's there.

My Dad barely lets people get a word in edgewise, and I don't know how many times I've been talking to him, and he interrupts me, changing the subject mid-stream -or- he gets up and walks away.

I love this excerpt from a blog about narcissists called The Parent Who Wouldn't Listen: "Of all my narcissistic father's behaviors, it's his total inability to listen that I have found the most troubling. I have observed very closely some narcissists I've loved, and their inability to pay attention when someone else is talking is so striking that it has often seemed to me that they have neurological problems that affect their cognitive functioning. When a person says something to my father, if you can manage to finish your sentence without being interrupted, it's almost as if they hadn't spoken at all. There is no acknowledgment of what was just said. There is no appropriate reaction. If you tell him you have the flu, he will tell you that everybody around him is sick. If you tell him his granddaughter broke her arm, he will not ask if she's in any pain or if she's wearing a cast, but he will tell you how terribly upset he is because you allowed her to fall off the swings. When I told him I had got into the dream college of my choice, he didn't register the news. Then he wanted to know why I was packing to leave."

• hypersensitivity to criticism, however mild, or rejection from others. BIG FAT CHECK.

One small example was when I sent him an email with some website references about my baby daughter relating to stranger anxiety & grandparents, you would have thought I had sent him something derogatory and cutting. He went off the deep-end and said that I insulted him. He was mad at me for months.

• preoccupation with outward appearance, "image," or public opinion rather than inner reality. CHECK.

He has always been about appearances. No matter what turmoil or drama we were going through, we always had an outward appearance that everything was fine & dandy. He is showy with his cars, clothes, and appearance as well. He wants you to be at the holiday gathering as a show to others that his family is a cohesive unit, although it is so broken. He wants you to be part of public gatherings so his friends and family think that he has it all together, that he is loved by his family, and all is something to be envied & admired.

• painful emotions based on shame (dislike of who one is) rather than guilt (regret for what one has done)

He will not ever discuss memories of the past. Even small, seemingly irrelevant memories he will scorn. He said to me the last time I asked him a question about my childhood, "I don't remember. I don't remember because I DO NOT WANT TO REMEMBER." He will not talk about my mother and said, "I wouldn't shed a tear if she died tomorrow" and "I divorced that lady so almost 2 decades ago and haven't talked about her since then, and I want to keep it that way". The sad thing is that if he could talk to my brother and me about our childhood, many questions could be answered, wounds healed, and doors closed. But he won't ... and he is very selfish for that.