Wednesday, September 21, 2011

A Borderline Mother's Perspective | The Other Side of the Equation

The perspective of my blog has always been from my point-of-view: my experience with my personality disordered parents, namely my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) mother. I have written at length what I feel like or how I have perceived the actions of my mother compared to academic studies and more. 

After contemplating the subject for my next entry as well as being truly touched by a comment that a BPD /  new mother of a 15 month old baby left me, I started pondering the other side of the BPD equation: the BPD mother's perspective along with the struggles and successes of daily life.

Two sides to every story exist, so why not explore the other side of BPD. I emailed a contact that I have through Facebook who runs a page called Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder I asked her if she would like to provide a piece on what BPD feels like. Here is what this mother of 3 wrote about a typical meal at a restaurant with her kids: 

my most vivid description of what it feels like in a day of BPD

panic is always there. frustration as well. I expect too much from people, I think. 

my girls are good kids. really great kids. I am lucky, and yet I still find their flaws and get upset. 

I don't want them to act like that in public. their voices are too loud. they are too excited. they are too.....what? happy? why am I getting upset that they are overjoyed to be having dinner at IHop with me? 

I dont know but it doesn't change the fact that I am now frustrated and panicky. 

breathe, I think. Holly, just breathe. remember your girls are amazing little beings that are so much more well behaved than most. breathe. oh fudge, she's laughing too loud again. darn it. chew with your mouth closed! I think, fudge! how hard is that?

I have to get out of here. I have to get them out of here and back home where no one can see their misbehavior. where no one can judge me. where no one can look at me. 

I know what they are thinking. she's too young to have 3 kids. I bet they arent even with one guy. they probably all have different dads. whore. worthless whore. can't she control them? pathetic. what a horrible mother. why do they let people like her have kids? sick. get me out of here I am screaming in my head. 

trying to keep that fake smile on my face. trying to at least let the girls have a good time. hurry please, I say to my youngest. hurry. you need to eat. we are waiting on you. oh my gosh, we are leaving now so better finish your FOOD! 

oh fudge, Holly, calm down. you're being ridiculous. please calm down. fudge, here come the tears. I didn't mean to raise my voice. I didn't mean to. I AM a horrible mother. oh shoot, I can't do this. this was a stupid idea. what have I done? we have to leave. please hurry. please eat faster. fudge, I'm going to have a panic attack. fudge fudge fudge. shoot, I'm not smiling. 

just get everyone to the car, Holly. you'll be safe there. no one can see you there. it's too dark out. go go go - now go! please! 

darn it, I ruined it again. why am I like this? fudge, Holly, get out of your head and pay attention to the freaking road. darn it. just calm down. breathe breathe breathe. turn the music up, then you won't be able to hear them and when you can't answer their questions, they can't get upset, right? 

shhhh. it's fine Holly. you're fine. it's ok. right? you're fine. just listen to the music. oh thank goodness, Led Zeppelin. yes, listen to that. I think I might be sinking. throw me a line if I read you the time....yes, just sing along Holly. ok. ok. I can do this. I can do this. ok. it's going to be ok. it will be. it has to be. please let it be. fudge.

Here is a bit about the struggles with marriage & BPD: 

I have recently had a set back though. where as I have been able to pull myself from the situation and evaluate my emotions and thoughts and decipher which ones are only my BPD and which ones are true and valid ones, recently it has been getting rougher to do. I am beginning to question myself again. wondering if I am truly "seeing" the full picture. or am I only convincing myself that the BPD thoughts and feel ARE the valid ones?

the blurred lines have been running through my head for the last couple weeks and with them comes doubts on many other decisions that I have made. questions such as "am i feeling this way mainly because of the holidays?" (which are always a time of general upset for me) and "why am I suddenly doubting when I was so proud and sure before?" "is it time for therapy again?" "what about medication?"

to be completely honest, these worries come from upsets currently going on in my marriage. I refuse to go into detail about any of this, but my husband and I are at a point where it seems like neither one of us are satisfied with the "solutions" that the other has come up with. I feel that I am reverting back to the norm of being the one who is wrong in the relationship. I have almost always been the one at fault. this is 100% honesty. most of our marital problems have come from the way I process life, due to BPD and other factors. I have been very lucky to have a husband who is very accepting, very calm, and helps when he can.

so what is the problem? it boils down to this. I believe that in the current situation we are both somewhat at fault, and I feel that he is not willing to negotiate. I feel that he says he will (possibly to shut me up for the time being, but that could very possibly be a BPD thought), but never actually follows through with the negotiations. so now I am doubting even those feelings. am I being my over-dramatic self when I feel this way? or am I validated? I can't give an honest answer.

The final writing explores the ability to function on a daily basis: 

it shakes my whole being to think that something I was so sure of can be so suddenly put into question. by my own head. so who needs the therapy? me? us as a couple? him? all of the above? none of the above? and if we do need therapy how can I convince him that it is not a shot at his masculinity to seek therapy? (I believe a lot of men are brought up to feel that problems should be kept within the family) ugh. maybe I have not come as far as i made myself believe I had.

ready go. ready go. motivate motivate motivate! come on Holly, the house needs cleaned. you need to finish washing all the bedding at least. yeah what a brilliant idea that was to do. grr. do "normal" people feel this fatigued? ever? I just want to sleep. all day, all night. nope, can't do that. 3 little girls depend on you. 

did I cook dinner yet? fudge. what time is it? I know they just ate some strawberries....yeah, nice try Holly. that doesn't count as dinner. fudge. ok, you can do this. it's just dinner and laundry, right? why does it have to be this hard? 

when is my husband coming back? what day is it? ok, he will be here tomorrow. wait, he will be here TOMORROW! fudge, I have to clean this house up. I swear I just did this, like, yesterday. or was it the day before? or longer? darn it. 

wow, I suck at life. when do people get to start enjoying this crap? or do normal people enjoy it already? fudge. oh well. frozen pizzas, I guess. it is Friday, right? no big deal....I'm a freaking failure. who am I kidding? they all see it. I know it. fudge.

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