Hello everyone! I get so many emails daily from readers asking if I am doing well and if I am still active with this blog. Yes, I am still here; however, due to time restraints, I haven't written a new blog entry in quite some time. I appreciate the emails, however, and value each one.
So, this post is simply a check-in to let everyone know that after 12 years, I still haven't had any contact with my mother, and after 8 years, I haven't had contact with my Dad. Neither has reached out to me, and I have not reached out to them ... and my life has been very peaceful and drama-free.
My child is now 9 years old. She has asked about my mother and Dad, and I have told her in generalities what happened during my childhood to present. I try to keep the information factual, simple, and matter-of-fact. I don't lay blame, but rather simply relate what happened. She is very supportive and understanding.
When she was younger, I was concerned that if she knew about happened between my parents and me that she would assume that was the 'norm'. I am glad that the questions didn't start until she was older so she had lots of experience with healthy family dynamics. She understands that what happened between my parents and me (as well as my brother) was / is not normal and that no contact was / is necessary.
My child and I have also spoken about how my brother, who was raised with the same parents in the same situation, had a totally different outcome in his life than me-- illustrating that your life is what you make of it rather than what happens to you. I chose to work hard, prosper, and muster on despite the poor circumstances; whereas, he chose to use the poor circumstances as an excuse for laziness, lack of motivation, and not trying. My child sees these differences and realizes that while my brother and I both had troubled childhoods and abusive parents, life is what you make of it.
So, do I have any regrets regarding no contact with my parents at this point? Absolutely not. Life has been amazingly peaceful: manipulation free and non-toxic. I have closure and have moved forward. My husband is not subjected to the drama and confusion anymore. And my child will not be put in the middle of any of the mind-games or pathology. She has a very healthy and loving relationship with my mother's sister and sister's husband (Nana and Papa) as well as my husband's parents. Thankfully, she won't have to live through the trials, tribulations, and struggles of BPD and NPD.
One concern has been and always will be until it happens: what will I do when they each passes-away? My child even posed this question to me. I would say that this question is the last remaining issue surrounding my parents. In regard to this, many life changing events have happened in the last decade that neither parent or those close to them have notified me. These events included my mother almost dying from 3 strokes, my Dad having serious surgery, and more. My intuition tells me that I won't find out from anyone notifying me; however, I may find out from a random post appearing on my Facebook wall which is fine. If we choose not to have a relationship during life, why would things all of the sudden change due to death?
Anyway, I hope to get back to blogging regularly. Work has kept me very busy (I am grateful and appreciative), and family life is always a super fun adventure (which again, I am grateful and appreciative). Until then, remember, if you are a grown child of a BPD and NPD parents, my love and best wishes go out to you. You are a war veteran in every sense of the word, and your psychic landscape, no doubt, looks something like what's left after a bombing attack-- but it CAN and WILL get better!
It's so good to hear from you and know you and your family are thriving. Thanks so much for keeping your Blog up and for checking in. Yk, when you "share" such intimate and painful details of your life with others you're helping them as well. Sometimes when Bloggers disappear I wonder how the rest of the journey has gone so far? It's like reading a heartbreaking book and then the author makes a massive shift in their POV, in their life and strikes out on a new path. You put the book down and feel like, "Wow. There's some unbridled courage. And they don't see it. I wonder what happens next?"
ReplyDeleteWhen you least expect the next chapter to be written, one day you find it has been and it's good and busy and normal and above all, peaceful internally as well as externally.
Thank you so very much. ENJOY!
TW
I have often thought of the "death" scenario, too. My father passed away in 2011 and there are details from his death and funeral that my mother questions, due to her poor memory, such as "Why did you pick out such an ugly urn for his ashes?" She has also given me a list of people she does not want me to allow in to her funeral. I am completely serious. One of these individuals was her best friend and neighbor for over 30 years until my mother's "crazy" came out in full force. Over 3 years ago, I finally had to courage to break free. Stress, chaos, and the living hell of my mother's regime. 40 years of it. I was living with my mother after my father's death and my divorce. My divorce was a result of my mother and father's constant meddling in my marriage and my life. We lived close to them and I later regretted it. I moved in with a friend who was single and needed a roommate. My daughter needed peace. My son was away at college and I assumed he would go off on his own after graduation. Little did I know that he would move in with my mother to continue as her little henchman. He completely disrespects me verbally, broke into my house to steal my things, and uses my mother financially. My mother thinks all of that is "normal" behavior, but I believe he is a textbook psychopath.Meanwhile, extended family members of my mother think there is NOTHING WRONG because my son has manipulated all of them into thinking he's a wonderful "golden child." He is 23 years old working full time at a decent job, yet his grandmother is supporting him financially in every way. I now live 1 hour away. I have started a new family with my daughter, have a happy life, great friends, and a successful business. My mother visits me once a month, if that. I try to spend short periods of time with her, away from her house, and it is better for me. Her family thinks I am a horrible daughter, but that is because they have not seen her true self and she has fed them lies about me for years. She even went so far as to telling everyone I was bipolar, and they all think I am the crazy one. I will not subject my other 2 children to that environment. We don't even go there for Christmas anymore. I've found that keeping my distance is better for my own sanity. I truly believe that I have PTSD from all of the things I went through as a child through my adulthood as a result of her constant drama and games.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog in 2011 by chance, and it changed my life. I want to thank you for that. I actually emailed you shortly after I read every single post. It validated my decisions to go "gray rock" (as some call it) and to live a parallel life to my own family that I grew up with. I learned that I needed to surround myself with positive people and that family is not always there for me, as I was taught throughout my childhood and adolescence. Do I feel emptiness when I see friends on Facebook posting photos of their families at holidays and reunions having a great time? Of course I do. But I also realize that their families are vastly different from mine and family are those who make me happy and feel validated.
Hello Greta,
ReplyDeleteYour blog has made me somewhat cooler trying to lead a life with a BPD suspected wife.
I was at a loss after my marriage when she had constant mood swings,shoutings,excess expenditure,critizing me for no fault of mine and comparing me with others all the time.I had many fights with her but ultimately i decided to see a doctor myself and told him about the problems. He suspected BPD but wanted to meet my wife to make a precise decision. However, my wife was dead against of going to the doctor. So I researched about BPD on the internet and slowly I have come to realize that she is indeed a BPD as almost all of her actions matches.
I am married only for 7 months till now. I had an arranged marriage through a wedding portal.I made the mistake of not knowing the girl properly. Even her parents were literally forcing me to marry her. She is very beautiful and as such I married her. The fights started from honeymoon phase itself with issues such as "I was having an extra marital affair" when in reality I was texting in whatsapp to one of my cousin sisters. Next again she accused me of having an extra marital affair with her sister in law etc etc.
I cannot check out facebook,whatsapp and any other things without the tension of her. I am extremely stressed out physically,emotionally,financially.
After asking her continuously about her childhood, she at last spoke out that she had a very abusive brother and also her mom used to criticize her all the time. She used to always spend her time crying out for whole nights most of the time. She herself said that she suffered like this for almost a decade.I became very sad on hearing all these. So i decided that divorce is not an option as she is innocent and i am sure that her family will finish her if i leave her.I am really caught in a catch -22 situation. I don't want to live with her because I am exhausted. At the same time, I don't want to leave her because as a husband,its my duty to cure and protect her.
I am exhausted because she has over 500 pairs of shoes etc and is still buying them. She has hundreds of handbags,cosmetics and thousands of dresses (even after coming from normal middle class family)More than 30% of my income is being spent by her in useless items.
Please Please advise what I should do.I am TOTALLY EXHAUSTED.
Thank you for sharing your blog. It has helped DH & I very much.
ReplyDeleteHis mother and father are high-functioning to the outside world but extremely vindictive and have engaged in smear campaign against both of us among other things.
We have been No Contact for 4 years and the peace has made life wonderful.
It seems most resources on Bpd parents feature the low-functioning Waif or Hermit.
Or if the parent is narcissistic, he or she is self-absorbed and ignoring.
Our problem is that they perceive our independence as a married couple with our own children as rejection.
This perception has fueled their justification to stalk our children outside school, humiliate and strike me in front of others, disown and demean my husband (their son).
Thank you for keeping your blog up.
We plan on staying NC permanently. It has saved our sanity. And blogs like yours reassure us that we are not alone.
Thank you for your blog. My friends all have healthy father relationships and I feel like the odd one out with a narcisstic father. It helps knowing I’m not the only one.
ReplyDelete