Maternal Narcissism Test | Is This Your Mother?

 

With a Narcissistic Disorder Personality (NPD) parent, the focus appears to be on the child but the reality is that little regard for the child is actually contained in their parenting style. The heart of the NPD's parenting is the parent’s own emotional needs. The result is a feeling of emptiness for the child and a critical inner voice. Ultimately, the adult-child, albeit almost always unconscious, tends to repeat those patterns or live out the parents’ prescriptions for hers / his life. 

Was your parent narcissistic, namely your mother? Take this test and see how you score. Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother:

1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?
3. Does your mother act jealous of you? Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
4.  Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother”?
5. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
6. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
7. Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
8. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
9. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
10. Does your mother deny her own feelings?
11. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her own feelings or actions?
12. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carries a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
13. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
14. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
15. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
16. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
17. Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
18. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
19. Are you shamed often by your mother?
20. Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
21. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
22. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
23. Does your mother appear phony to you?
24. Does your mother want to control your choices?
25. Does your mother swing from egotistical to depressed mood?
26. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
27. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
28. Do you feel valued, by mother, for what you do rather than who you are?
29. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
30. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
31. Does your mother compete with you?
32. Does your mother always have to have things her way?

Score: All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing child and adult.

If you are dealing with an NPD parent, it's very difficult. You can take these progressive steps:

1. Acceptance- accept her for who she is and give up expectations of having a *normal* mother- child relationship. Don't play her games and set boundaries. 
2. Low Contact- severely limit the amount of time you spend with her. Make contact be on your terms. She may argue, or try to get over this - turning up uninvited etc, but you'll need to be firm. 
3. No Contact- have no contact with the NPD parent. You can announce the estrangement or you can simply stop contact. Realize that you will have collateral damage along the way too.

Reference:  Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.