Was your parent narcissistic, namely your mother? Take this test and see how you score. Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother:
- When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
- When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?
- Does your mother act jealous of you? Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
- Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother”?
- Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
- Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
- Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
- When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
- Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
- Does your mother deny her own feelings?
- Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her own feelings or actions?
- Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carries a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
- Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
- Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
- Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
- Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
- Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
- Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
- Are you shamed often by your mother?
- Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
- Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
- Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
- Does your mother appear phony to you?
- Does your mother want to control your choices?
- Does your mother swing from egotistical to depressed mood?
- Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
- Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
- Do you feel valued, by mother, for what you do rather than who you are?
- Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
- Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
- Does your mother compete with you?
- Does your mother always have to have things her way?
Score: All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing child and adult.
If you are dealing with an NPD parent, it's very difficult. You can take these progressive steps:
- Acceptance- accept her for who she is and give up expectations of having a *normal* mother- child relationship. Don't play her games and set boundaries.
- Low Contact- severely limit the amount of time you spend with her. Make contact be on your terms. She may argue, or try to get over this - turning up uninvited etc, but you'll need to be firm.
- No Contact- have no contact with the NPD parent. You can announce the estrangement or you can simply stop contact. Realize that you will have collateral damage along the way too.
Reference: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.