Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Maternal Narcissism Test | Is This Your Mother?

With a Narcissistic Disorder Personality (NPD) parent, the focus appears to be on the child but the reality is that little regard for the child is actually contained in their parenting style. The heart of the NPD's parenting is the parent’s own emotional needs. The result is a feeling of emptiness for the child and a critical inner voice. Ultimately, the adult-child, albeit almost always unconscious, tends to repeat those patterns or live out the parents’ prescriptions for hers / his life. 

Was your parent narcissistic, namely your mother? Take this test and see how you score. Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother:
  1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
  2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?
  3. Does your mother act jealous of you? Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
  4.  Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother”?
  5. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
  6. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
  7. Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
  8. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
  9. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
  10. Does your mother deny her own feelings?
  11. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her own feelings or actions?
  12. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carries a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
  13. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
  14. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
  15. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
  16. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
  17. Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
  18. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
  19. Are you shamed often by your mother?
  20. Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
  21. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
  22. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
  23. Does your mother appear phony to you?
  24. Does your mother want to control your choices?
  25. Does your mother swing from egotistical to depressed mood?
  26. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
  27. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
  28. Do you feel valued, by mother, for what you do rather than who you are?
  29. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
  30. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
  31. Does your mother compete with you?
  32. Does your mother always have to have things her way?
Score: All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing child and adult.

If you are dealing with an NPD parent, it's very difficult. You can take these progressive steps:
  1. Acceptance- accept her for who she is and give up expectations of having a *normal* mother- child relationship. Don't play her games and set boundaries
  2. Low Contact- severely limit the amount of time you spend with her. Make contact be on your terms. She may argue, or try to get over this - turning up uninvited etc, but you'll need to be firm. 
  3. No Contact- have no contact with the NPD parent. You can announce the estrangement or you can simply stop contact. Realize that you will have collateral damage along the way too.

Reference:  Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.


  1. Oh Gretel Ella,
    I'd forgotten about that movie shot. It's like looking at a photo of me and my mother. Her dark eyes and long dark curls, throwing her head back in laughter. Me with straight blond hair and looking out of my eyes in wonderment.
    So much to say as I approach the third year mark of no contact. Will come back here later. My heartfelt praise for keeping this blog going.

    1. Thank you so very much :) How has the NC been going, these past three years?

  2. Thank you very much! A check list is an awesome way to help victims figure out if they need to be concerned with their parent(s) behaviors(Tangled is a perfect example and if anyone starts crying watching it ,or hates the "Mom" and you dont know why, you may want to take the test!)After 25 years of being the Scapegoat I just recently found out about what was actually going on. If I had seen this when I was 9, I probably would never have tried slicing my wrists or downing bottles of pills thinking it was something wrong with me. Please, keep this page up! I will be adding the page to every site I can and recommending it for preteens. They are the ones who truly need to become aware of what is going on. But, Thank You! The consequences of breaking contact will just have to happen. Life is way too short to live with someone always bringing you down. And, as a side note, there is also therapy groups that have had loads of positive results and if you can not find one- the Alcoholic's Anonymous groups deal with codependency problems (like alcoholism and drugs) and they are free. Just a thought. Thank you again!!

  3. Wow..I counted 30 of the questions fit my mom perfectly...

  4. Wow my mother is all but two. Also I have accepted that I will never have a relationship with her. Until she accepts that she has a problem and gets help that she needs. I am setting boundary now I am not asking for advice from her. I am done talking to her. I have done this for my feelings. Thank you for this help on my journey.

  5. Dear Gretel and Friends, following years of low contact, have been no contact for the past three years. Frankly i don't think they miss me either. Oh well, doesn't break my heart.