Monday, March 2, 2009

BPD Mother | Meddling with Our Lives (3)

Now that I have written about how my mother has meddled in my life since birth with my fathers... and how that meddling has now left me with shattered or splintered relationships with 3 father figures... I want to write about her present day meddling. This meddling is happening even though we've been estranged for almost 5 years.

My brother and mother have been estranged for almost 10 years at this point, and have only SEEN each other ONCE in 20 years. And like I just said, I've been estranged from her for almost 5 years. I posted a few posts back about how she all of the sudden popped up on Facebook (Rearing Their Ugly Heads), and although I blocked her, making myself invisible, my brother received an email from her and started to communicate with her. This was mid-February, and by the end of February, my brother ended up in jail for financial obligations he can't meet.

And all the sudden, my mother is this crusader, trying to rally people together to get my brother out of jail. I received an email from her the other day (my heart hit my feet), that was also sent to my step-brother (how in the world, he asks me, did she get his email!?), my brother's fiance (she had blocked my mother on Facebook, telling her she is not getting in the middle of anything), and my DAD (who says he wouldn't shed a tear if she died tomorrow)! In the email she says:

Dear Friends and Family, As we all know, xxxx is now in jail, and, is not doing well. I think he needs to get out because it is not helping his kids, nor his fiance, nor himself. I know that all of us have been "burned" over and over by xxxx, but in this case, I really think he needs help, psychiatrically and physically, and being in jail is only adding to his problems. It seems as though he will never dig himself out unless we help, AGAIN!!! As his Mom, I know that he needs to pay for his behavior, but this jail sentence of 90 days is punishing all of us and his kids, not just xxxx. So please, think it over. We all love xxxx and want to "straighten" him out, and helping him in the past has never worked. But please keep an open mind. If you have any other ideas, I would like to hear them. Thank you.

OH MY GOODNESS! How presumptuous to think you know what the heck is going on in his life! How presumptuous to think you even have an inkling of what he's been going through the last DECADE! How presumptuous to think you can just contact whoever you please and try to get them involved -- namely get them involved with YOUR CRUSADE. How inappropriate to talk about him in the way she did! How nervy she was to even think she could email and ask for an "open mind". BIZARRE. AGAIN.

I didn't respond. Neither did my step-brother. However, my brother's fiance responded. My brother's fiance said that my mother wanted everyone to pool money together to bail my brother out. AGAIN HOW PRESUMPTUOUS. Although my Dad has been selfish with his time, himself, and his love, he hasn't been selfish with his money in regard to my brother-- and my mother, of course, doesn't know this. After my mother emailed my brother's fiance a few times, she CALLS my Dad who tells her to not ever call again. So, my mother decides to bail my brother out and tells him she is going to do as such.

After a 24-hour period, my mother decides she's NOT going to bail him out but has my step-father speak to my brother and break the news. WHAT!? First of all, telling him you're going to bail him out, getting his hopes up, and then crashing them is uncalled for! Second of all, not having the kahunas to tell him yourself is despicable.

And if you read the post, Rearing Their Ugly Heads, about when she contacted my brother on Facebook around mid-February, you will read how she knocked him down pretty hard with harsh words and criticisms. Then when he's going through this tough time weeks later, she comes to his rescue as a crusader only to disappoint him. What a roller coaster ride.

Through all of this, she is still emailing my brother's fiance, adding comments about me here and there. My mother doesn't know that I have a good repore with my brother's fiance that dates back before my estrangement with my mother (my brother and her were estranged already so I kept news about him to myself), and so my brother's fiance knows better than to believe my mother's accusations, criticisms, and comments. I, however, am bothered that mother is still going after me... still willingly try to make her daughter look bad, trying to spread bad news about me, and trying to turn people against me. I know it's the BPD, but I still am baffled at her efforts to degrade and vilify me... and the lack of efforts to call me just prior to the estrangement.

So, here we are, almost 5 years into an estrangement, and she is still getting at me... I guess it will never end.


  1. My mother is BPD. I lived my whole life with her issues. Went into mental health as a profession (maybe as an unconscious way of helping MYSELF). Out of my 50 years, I had almost 5 normal years with her. I thought she had finally turned a corner. WRONG. My father passed away one month ago. He had remarried and had 16 years with his wife who loved and respected him and gave him what he deserved in life. My mother began her rampage months before he died of cancer. The extreme pain & suffering she has thrown in our path as a family has been pure unadulterated hell. The lies, manipulation, greediness, and total disregard for her children's grief is so extreme it blows my mind. As a mental health person, I understand, BUT, I am human and it just seems incomprehensible that another human being can be so mean, cruel and nasty to her own grieving children. All she seems to care about is what money she is entitled to. Her behavior at his funeral was horrible for all of us as well. Has she no heart? I can't wrap my self around this.

  2. You hit the nail on the head with, "lies, manipulation, greediness, and total disregard..." These are all descriptors of the BDP individual. They have a "heart" and many of their actions are in such defense of that "heart"... extreme fear of abandonment and, therefore, are very needy due to this every emotional state they live in. Very needy is very selfish-- very selfish is looking after one's self, which is what your mother is doing. My mother, too, acts horribly as well-- and I have a hard time wrapping myself around comprehending her actions. She baffles me to this day with her bizarre behavior and the hurtfully disgusting things she says. Keep reading, keep researching, and keep trying to understand BPD... all of this will help you wrap yourself around the situation better. Best of luck to you-- my heart goes out to you and yours.

  3. They *intentionally* set these kinds of situations up so they can ride in and save the day (hero) or the obverse, kick the AC down that much further-and cast *someone else* in the role of "The Bad Guy." This gives her ammo for all the denigrating she's done of your SF *and* gives her plausible deniability with your brother and others: "HE (SF) wouldn't let me do it!" (whine, victim-status enshrined.)
    They're both opportunistic and preemptory in their predations.