Emotional Abuse Kept Silent | When Others Do Not Hear Your Need for Help

Having come from a mother who can be so chipper, smiley, and nice to the public and then terribly mean and wicked behind closed doors, I have experienced the challenge of having an outsider believe my stories and indirect cries for help as a child AND as an adult. Many times people can't fathom that a mother is **that** bad. Therefore, people don't realize the emotional abuse the child is enduring (mother is sticky sweet to the public and a witch behind closed doors) and people can't imagine the stories from an adult are actually not exaggerated or contrived (people feel the mother should be given credit for doing the best she could regardless). 

From as early as I can remember, my mother was always rotating between Dr. Jekyll  and Mr. Hyde. She would be so dark, mean, and uncaring around my brother and me, but when someone came to the house, (((( poof )))), she was as smiley, friendly, and happy as could be. When I got older, she was terribly and embarrassingly flirty with my male friends. She would strut with her tight jeans and high heels around them, making her eyes really big & batting her eye lashes. She would laugh this completely fake laugh and talk about topics inappropriate with a child. She acted inappropriately around my girlfriends as well, using vulgar language, engaging in talk of the opposite sex and alcohol, and acting like one of their 'friends'. “The borderline mother’s need for attention is so out of control and pathetic that it is frightening. Others are embarrassed for her. The Queen’s behavior elicits embarrassment about her need for recognition, attention, and control” p 255 Lawson. She got that recognition, attention, and control for sure. She had most of my friends snowed, thinking that my mother was this super cool, super awesome mother. But no one truly knew the extent of my mother's pathology. 

I tried reaching out to a friend and her mother after a rather traumatic incident with my mother when I was a child. After I told my story to my friend and her mother, the mother called my mother ... and then my mother went ballistic. First of all, what happened was documented in Run Forrest Run but in a nutshell my mother didn't believe what I told her about some inheritance money. She demanded that I go downstairs, yelled at me that she is glad that my last name is Smith, and pushed me to the top of the stairs. She continued to push me as I went down the stairs, yelling that she didn't want to see my face. "The voices of children are easily silenced by the fear of not being believed. The borderline's children feel like prisoners of a secret war. Children of borderlines know that their mother can make people vanish. They have seen her cut people to shreds with words, shatter reputations of those who betray, and stab them in the heart with false accusations. They know the feeling of sinking into nothingness by soul-wrenching verbal attacks" p 125 Lawson.

To compound how my mother made me feel, when I told my friend and her mother, the situation with my mother only got worse. After my friend's mother called my mother, my mother went into a fit of rage calling me a liar and coming down on me even harder. I was grounded, now allowed to speak on the phone, and was basically cut-off from the outside world. I reached out for help only to have the help turn into a very worse situation. 

I also had reached out to my step-father for help. One day I managed to catch him downstairs where I was grounded, and I pulled him aside. I tried to appeal to his sense of reality concerning how my mother was treating me, how bizarre her behavior was, and to help me. During this time, my mother appeared. She told my step-father that I am a "bitch" and that I was trying to manipulate him. She cut the conversation off and demanded him to leave the room. I felt completely alone and helpless in this dungeon of verbal and emotional abuse. Again, I reached out and was unable to get some help that I needed. 

So, what could have my friend, my friend's mother, and my step-father had done to help me? They each could have been an enlightened witness. I never had an actual enlightened witness to help validate my experiences and guide me through these troubled times with my mother, but I never thought what my mother did was 'my fault'. From the time I was a small child, my thinking always remained that my mother has issues and that the trouble was her responsibility. I always had a goal to make it through to get to college and on my own. 

I turned to writing in my notebook, religion, and running. I became a long-distance runner as those miles were my only freedom. As high school came to an end, I carried these stories of my childhood with me and went off to college. My life was such a whirlwind with trying to make it on my own working three + jobs at a time, going to college full time, and running. Eventually the challenges that my dysfunctional family presented in the past and present needed to be discussed. I had many wonderful friends to which I would tell little bits and pieces of my life. I was even very fortunate to have close friends  who would sit and listen to me for hours as I tried to piece together the convoluted pieces of my past, trying to synthesize them into some sort of understanding in the present. 

Not always did I find that people were open to hearing about my mother-- Bree is one of those people. Bree and I worked together. She was diagnosed with Lupus around the time my mother was, so I introduced the two of them. I never told Bree much about my past with my mother, but I told her a little during times of estrangement (my mother went through 5 year cycles until 2004 where we have remained estranged). Her point of view was that my mother couldn't be that bad because she had a tough mother too. Her opinion was to suck it up and accept my mother as she's the only mother I have. 

Now, I was under the guise that when you're in a relationship with a BPD, the relationship is so very convoluted and complex that to understand the dynamics, the outsider must know all the history, stories, and interactions to fully comprehend  the dynamics (that is, until I met others with BPD mother and boy oh boy, we totally understand each other with very little words!). Easily, a listener could take one instance out of context and assume the story is petty without hearing what led up to the instance. Many times I didn't even bother to talk about an occurance if someone didn't know the previous history. Peg Streep, in the book Mean Mothers,  describes how Diane doesn't feel good talking about her mother because she's afraid people will think she's exaggerating. I completely understand this point, have felt the same way, and empathize with Diane. Streep continues with how "complaining makes me sound crazy or worse".So, with the case of Bree, she never got the full picture of what transpired between my mother and me through the decades. 

In the long run, Bree took my mother's side during the last estrangement. My mother tried to enlist as many of my friends, colleagues, and family members as she could against me, her target of rage (Understanding the Borderline Mother: Enlisting Allies Against Her Target of Rage). She wasn't successful except with Bree, which I didn't know that they had always had a strange alliance behind my back. Bree took her side in a very sneaky and devious way, trying to fish information out of my friends and me to report to my mother-- until one of my friends caught on and the gig was up. 

"Others may believe the BPD's allegations of mistreatment because of the intensity of emotion. Misinformation is calculated and constructed in order to destroy the victim's reputation. Those who do not know the true situation may not notice inconsistencies in the BPD's story. It is difficult to verify the truth because the intensity of the emotion dissuades others from asking details" Lawson (p, 141). I believe Bree believes the allegations because of the calculated and constructed nature of the misinformation as well as she never knew the background of my mother and my relationship dating back to my childhood. Plus, I think Bree's belief in what my mother was purporting was self-motivated as well, as Bree needed to save her own reputation.

Having freed myself of the toxicity and dysfunction of my BPD mother and NPD father, I was not at all disturbed by the loss of a drug addicted, ex-coworker who aligned herself with my mother. I have many readers who tell me about how their BPD mother tries to turn friends and family against them. My reaction is so be it... you can't politic, trying to campaign to keep people voting for you. If they chose to believe something, that is their choice. Life is too short to worry about who believes who. I have freed and will continue to free myself from those who are negative and drag me down... and Bree was one of those people. I am completely blessed to have so many wonderful people surrounding and supporting me. 

Regardless if you are a child, reaching out to an adult for validation or help ... or if you are an adult, trying to synthesize your past into a usable narrative... not having the listener hear you or understand you can be quiet frightening if you are a child and frustrating if you are an adult. As a child, an enlightened witness certainly is a perfect scenario as this person provides an outlet for the child to speak to and an outlet for the child to find validation. As an adult, having a person to trust and confide in provides an incredible place to take some weight off of your shoulders. A good friend who understands is worth more than anything. I pray each of you that needs someone to hear you.. And if you need someone to bounce a story or two off of, you can always email me. 

References: 

Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson

Mean Mothers by Peg Streep 

Mean Mothers | Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt

I just finished Peg Streep's book, "Mean Mothers, Overcoming a Legacy of Hurt" and have mixed reviews about its content. Although many profound & poignant passages were contained, much of what she wrote was so generalized and simplified. I think her point at the beginning of the book on page 34 that she's "deliberately excluded stories of mothers who seemed to suffer from a definable mental illness" (which includes personality disorders) was a injustice as a "mean mother" cannot be 'mean' to the extent described without having a mental illness.

Being 'mean' to the point of damaging your child cannot occur without a mental illness. These mean mothers and their problems that are thrust upon their child throughout life are not normal. Even a mother who has bouts of lacking confidence, frustration, insecurity, etc would NOT be 'mean' through an entire child's life. Streep is off-base ignoring the fact that these mothers have mental issues. Yes, she talked about the 'mean mothers' backgrounds or their selfish qualities, but that is not enough-- a mean mother who damages her child has pathological and psychological (mental) issues.

She alludes to "broken" mothers at one point, saying "a healthy mother is wired to respond to the love an infant offers, but if she is broken, she can't always do it, and things get very screwed up." If a mother is "mean" and "broken", can't one conclude that the mother is not of sound mind? Therefore, aren't these mothers who are creating a "legacy of hurt", mothers who are mentally ill ? She also states on page 193 that "if there is a single common attribute to be attributed to the unloving mothers we've met in these pages it's their lack of awareness, their inability to be conscious of the effect and the import of their words and gestures on their daughter's development, and, for most of them, their incapacity or refusal to take responsibility for their actions." First of all, this is not one single common attribute. She listed three; however all three of these qualities relates to low emotional intelligence. Previously, I analyzed The Borderline & Emotional Intelligence as well as The Narcissist & Emotional Intelligence.

Another note is that because she's covering such a broad topic ("mean mothers"), having an account of only a handful of people is not sufficient. If she was covering BPD mothers with a few personal stories, then narcissistic mothers with a few stories, then bipolar mothers with a few stories, then histrionic mothers with a few stories, etc-- each of those few stories would be enough to back up the sub-topic. But having only a few stories to back up the "mean mothers" topic is not sufficient.

Starting around page 50, Streep begins to describe "beyond the mother myths: real women" which from the descriptions that were presented, these mothers appear to be highly narcissistic and witch like. She describes the annoyed and angry mother that is unavailable for her daughter during times of need (sleepless girl: page 51), the controlling mother (forcing naps, what to wear, who to marry: page 53), the lack of an authentic relationship with the mother (fraudulent: pages 54-55), and not allowing affection into the relationship (no hugs: page 63). These mothers are not exhibiting healthy, happy, and respectful behaviors-- they may be real women but they are not normal women. These mothers are exhibiting dysfunctional behaviors typical of mental illness.

Peg Streep didn't allude to if she thought her mother was mentally ill or if her mother had been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but from what Streep described, her mother fit the framework of a not only a narcissist but a borderline mother. She comments about how her mother didn't have "it in her to love, so in the end she lived her life with what she had inside her. I think she was simply an unhappy person all her life, and I was the easiest one for her to take things out on" (page 176). This "unhappy" person could be described as "depressed" , or in other words, experiencing depression (mental disorder).

On another topic, the sections about fathers and then siblings were much too generalized and didn't delve into step & half brothers / sisters, broken families, ready-made families, step fathers, and how the mother chooses / works these fathers pathologically against the children. I have three fathers, each has been used in some shape-or-form by my mother, depending on her agenda. My mother used the first father to escape a living situation. I was born into this escape. Once she was done with him, she married her high-school sweetheart, and father #1 was erased from the photo and baby albums. Then father #2 was attempted to be erased when father #3 came into the picture. Father #2 became what Streep describes on pages 93-94 where he never really asks about my life in any sense, was emotionally unavailable, and showed absolute loyalty to my step-mother. Father #3 was the one described on page 95 who was weak and never stepped in to protect me from my mother's wrath. I found little with which to relate in these father and siblings sections, especially the siblings section where our family was torn-apart and destroyed by divorces, re-marriages, and Parental Alienation Syndrome.

I think if she went more into depth about "overcoming the legacy of hurt" as her title suggests, the book would be more effective. She went into great depth into analysis of the mother due to cultural or generational elements and then covered the siblings & fathers in a very generalized / vanilla approach, and only touching on how to over-come. I would have liked more stories from women who overcame the legacy of hurt... more stories from more women from more varied types of 'mean mother' experiences rather than generalized descriptions of the 'mean mother' herself. She touches on the hole or void that a lack of mother-love leaves again around page 163. I thoroughly enjoyed these passages and her conclusion that "each story of healing is unique, though the broad outlines of daughters' stories often share much in common". That validation-- reading about others who have walked the same path as yourself-- is so very healing and results in such peace-of-mind. This validation is immeasurable.

Another section that covers the ability to overcome the legacy of hurt is when Streep discusses bringing a child into the world. Her words resonated with me as I felt the many feelings she experienced when I had my child. She reiterated what I've had family and friends remind me of my entire life, "you aren't your mother" (page 169). My mother treated me as if I was an extension of herself, and I disliked that VERY MUCH-- so much, that at a very young age, I would ask my grandparents if I was like my mother. And they would very kindly and delicately tell me that I am my own person, distinctive and separate from my mother. Since I had a child, I have always viewed her as her own person as Streep did with hers (page 184), "From the moment she was born, I tried to see my daughter whole-- not as a reflection or an extension of me or my hopes and dreams but herself". I couldn't have said that any better.

Streep chose no-contact with her mother due to her pregnancy, and I applaud her for that as her mother was a 'known danger'. She wanted to "undo what generation after generation of mothers" in her family had done to their daughters. My estrangement (Little Women 2004) happened years before I got pregnant but I did have an epiphany once my child was born where I realized the profound finality of the estrangement as I realized the depth and breadth of what had transpired. I had a baby, my mother was not informed and included with the pregnancy & birth, and I am not allowing my mother to inflict emotional / mental damage to her as she did to my brother & me.

Streep also speaks of how much she loves her daughter and how she thought "my mother must have loved me" (page 170). I never had that thought; however, I contemplated how much I love my child and how much I want her to have the best, experience everything, and be protected / shielded from negative aspects of life... which led me to the thoughts of what my mother put me through and how in the world could she do that to her children! The answer is simple: mental illness. Again, the question of whether Streep's mother was mentally ill, but regardless, Streep cut off contact with her mother and vowed not "make her mistakes". I am not sure that "mistakes" is the correct word for what our mothers put us through. A mistake is more like yelling out of frustration every once in awhile or not being patient with your child during trying times... but for consistent and constant events that ultimately effect the adult child of the mother are more than mere "mistakes".

Streep presents another topic that I want to expand upon on this blog which is how people can't fathom that a mother is **that** bad. Therefore, as a child, people don't realize the abuse (mother is sticky sweet to the public and a witch behind closed doors) and as an adult, people can't imagine the stories are actually not exaggerated or contrived (people feel the mother should be given credit for doing the best she could regardless). Streep talks of how daughters of mean mothers are silenced because of this syndrome, and thus, the "myth of mother love requires the daughter to maintain her silence" page 13. She describes how Diane doesn't feel good talking about her mother because she's afraid people will think she's exaggerating. I completely understand this point, have felt the same way, and empathize with Diane. Streep continues with how "complaining makes me sound crazy or worse". Later in the book, she states that in the court of mother -daughter conflict, it's usually the daughter who is on trial (page 24) and thus an additional reason the daughter is not given the credibility or consideration like the mother. I also agree with that point. The mother is the elder, the mother is the one who is supposed to be nurturing, protective, and maternal, and the child is supposed to be learning from this adult. The burden of proof lies with the child.

I liked how she effectively and efficiently defined and discussed the attachment theory (page 46). I also really enjoyed reading about the EARNED attachment (page 48), which I think defines where I have come from. She describes how making sense of childhood experiences and understanding how those experiences affected development, one can move from an "insecure" to "secure" functioning of the mind. I am able to tell coherent stories of childhood (as evidenced by this blog) and put events into meaningful contexts and to reflect on those experiences (even the negative ones). I have spent decades searching, making sense of, and trying to understand my childhood and beyond. My experiences have made me stronger and made me the person I am today. As Streep concludes on page 198, "If I could speak to my mother one more time, I'd say this: 'You didn't mean to, but you made me stronger and more aware than I might otherwise have been'" which I have the same conclusion with what I have experience with my mother and Dad.

In contrast, my brother's way of dealing with his experiences has not been with trying to understand or come to terms. He has claims not to remember childhood experiences, offers little detail, and has little sense of how the past has contributed to the present (other than to blame and be the victim). He, in turn, has not been successful with relationships, has been clinically depressed, and has struggled through out life. He exhibits insecure attachment which has not been turned into earned attachment.

I would have liked to read more about estrangement and the "taboos associated with cutting off ties to her mother" as Streep mentioned (page 14) but doesn't expand much except with an anecdotal paragraph and a story of Cathy (page 15) who went back to speaking to their mothers after 14 years only to subject herself to the same exact conditions that led to the estrangement in the first place. My 5 year on / off cycles with my mother revealed the same results which ultimately led to the permanent estrangement starting in 2004. She does mention "divorcing" her mother as a "lifesaving strategy" which leads to one of the most heart-felt and chilling statements in the entire book (page 16), "There is always a hole in me that needs to be filled and can't be. Not the love of four kids or my husband of twenty-odd years or my friends fills it. It's always there, like a tear or a hole in fabric. You can put threads in to repair the weave--the threads of other relationships-- but the hole is still there." And thus, the reason I purchased this book.

One of the most powerful moments in the book is when Streep gets the call from her brother that her mother is dying (page 31), the comment from him that he thought she might want to come see her, and the decision Streep makes. I was on the edge of my seat, wondering what decision Streep would make. Recently, my mother has been very ill and heading to kidney failure and possibly a limited life span-- thus these considerations have run through my head. What would I do if I got that call? I haven't seen her in 7 years at this point. Why would we communicate on her death-bed if we don't communicate on a normal day? Why would communicating on her final days change anything that has transpired, the actions she has taken, or the actions I have taken? Ultimately, Streep's decision and her feelings about her decision mirror what I concluded to do. Powerful passages that, as Streep says, "testifies to what can happen when a mother can't love her daughter in the way she needs to be loved" (page 33).

The ending of the book is very strong. She really hits home with a statement after the birth of her child, "my own history didn't disappear, but it did lose its power over me" (page 180). Possibly the fact that she cut her mother out of her life at this same time might have given her this sense of relief? But I do know that being estranged from my mother and then having a child really allowed me to 'see' what is so very precious and important in life. The birth of my child really put life into perspective, allowed me to see my past experiences through different eyes, and permitted me to give someone so much that I never had. Having this unconditional love of a child compounded with the love of my husband allowed me to accept the past, leave the past in the past, and be content with where my life is right this second. Streep states on page 181, "Yet it opens the door for a woman to overcome a bad past or escape the fate of repeating it by way of the psychological work she has accomplished in understanding, putting into perspective, and rendering coherent her past, especially her experience of being mothered. " Amen.

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics Continue | My APD Brother Visits

 

I missed my brother. I hadn't seen him in over 10 years and although I know the mess that he is (Adult Child in Crisis and Antisocial Personality Disorder), I still missed him. My husband and I had planned to go up to see him several times through the last couple of years, but either money was tight or my brother was a bigger mess than ever. Trips were planned then rescheduled but we had intent on going up to see him.

We wanted to go up to see him on his turf, that way we had control of our environment and what our child was / wasn't exposed to. I felt more comfortable going up there and staying in a hotel than bringing him down here where he would be in our home and we could be put into awkward or compromising situations (drugs, his behavior, etc).

Push came to shove, and more years passed without getting to see my brother so one day when he and I were texting, he mentioned how he was free to come visit. I found cheap plane tickets, got the approval of my husband, and boom, the tickets were purchased by me (my brother made it clear he had no money to pay for plane tickets, but flying him down here was cheaper than flying all three of us up there).

Pretty much right after I bought the tickets, I started having remorse about bringing him down to our home because he immediately started with the parties he wanted to attend, where he needed me to drive him, and more. As a side note, we live about an hour away from all the things he wanted me to drive him to. I also started to fret about whether or not he'd bring drugs into my house. The icing on the cake was when he announced, point blank, that he would be arriving with "no money". Say what!? I just bought the plane tickets and now he's announcing he would have "no money".

I ended up crafting an email that I sent to him, specifically laying out all expectations and rules, as well as what we are willing to do and not do. I started off with stating he WILL bring spending money. I added that we won't be taxing him around but if he wants to attend functions he can arrange rides or take a taxi (boy, that would be expensive from where we live!). I also explicitly said that he will not bring drugs into our home for many reasons. He received the email stating "these things didn't need to be said" but agreed to all conditions. Shew, thank goodness that was over. Or so I thought.

Now, when I picked him up from the airport, that was WONDERFUL. He was very warm with me and with meeting his niece for the first time. And our first bit together was wonderful as well. We had big laughs, fun times, and lots of smiles. That was until I received an email from a mutual friend that knew my brother was in town and wanted to let me know about his shenanigans behind my back with my mother. She detailed how he had been emailing my mother pictures of my child even though I strongly stated since her birth that I didn't want him to do so. She also said that he was bad-mouthing me to my mother in order to get in her good favor so she'd buy him things and send him money. She forwarded a few emails that she was included in the communications. I was FLOORED, HEART-BROKEN, and CONFUSED.

I know that my brother is a con-artist. I know he manipulates for survival. AND I knew I wasn't immune to his games. BUT I didn't think he would stoop so low as to include my child. I was up all night trying to process the information I received and to rectify how I was going to proceed with my brother at my house! I decided not to tell my husband of the betrayal as I didn't want him to be angry or have tension during my brother's stay. And I also decided not to say anything to my brother and to carry-on as if nothing happened.

Interestingly enough, the next day, my brother receives a text-message from my mother that she knows he's in-town visiting me. She was very mad at him. Apparently he had told her that he was coming to visit me then told her the plans were cancelled and then never told her that he was actually coming (he did this with Dad too). She found out he was in town with me and flew off the handle, texting him numerous times to "f*&k off" He burst into tears as we sat on the deck of my house, screaming loudly that he wishes she would just die and let him be. What!?!?

Due to having his financial security cut-off from his mother, he ended up texting Dad the next day to tell him that he's in town. My brother told me that his goal was to hit him up for some money. They made plans for lunch. Interesting and BIZARRE (yes, there is that word again!), my Dad made my brother walk up the street to meet him rather than to drive down my driveway. I know NOW why, but then I didn't. I was puzzled as I was going to go out to greet him, be cordial, and see if possibly we could progress from there-- break the ice, so to speak. I know now my weakness was not a good thing. Staying strong is important. Believing in where you've been, where you are now, and where you're going in the future is vital. Read on...

Well, they go out to lunch and upon returning, my brother throws his arms around me and starts to cry, saying, "I love you so much. I appreciate you so much. I know I don't say it enough, so I am saying it now." And he kept hugging me so hard. I was baffled as to where this behavior was all coming from, and I KNEW that the behavior was a case of "he who protests too much." But the how-who-why-what-when was yet to be seen.

That night I get an email in the middle of the night from my sister-in-law:

Hi Gretel,

I left you a voice mail message. I'm concerned how your brother is treating your family situation and I feel that I need to step in at this point to let you know that he's possibly taken advantage of your generosity for his own advantage. I wanted to give you a heads up that he's said some things to possibly make your family situation worse with your relationship with your Dad & step-mother.

Not that it is remotely my place due to the fact I'm a total outsider when it comes to your family's situation but the last thing I want is for your relationship with your Dad to become any more strained because of false pretenses presented by someone with their own agenda.

I love you dearly and I want to make sure that you protect yourself and yours over anything else. I very honestly and truly hope that you and yours are doing well and wish the best on you. You're good people!

I haven't told (my step-brother / her husband) that I've let you know my overhearings and he'll be totally pee----eeeed off if he finds out so please try to keep me out of it best you can otherwise I'll be meshed into the drama and cycle of issues too.

WOAH! My heart was racing a million miles an hour and my head was spinning. What is my brother doing to my family and me under my own roof!?!?! I immediately called her back. She was very quiet as she didn't want my step-brother / her husband to hear what she was saying. She started with the fact that my brother called my step-mother (the one who hasn't spoken to my brother in a decade, the reason my brother didn't attend my wedding) to tell her that my home is out-of-control, my child is spoiled, that my husband & I are "horrible" parents, and much more. I was astounded.

My sister-in-law told me a little of what was said but not much. She simply wanted me to be aware of the dangerous things my brother was spreading about my family in order to get money from my Dad. He apparently made the situation at my house appear that we forced him to spend his money doing all of these kiddy things for our "spoiled" child that he had no money left. And I suppose once he got on a roll and had the attention of the people he's wanted the attention from for so long, that he kept embellishing, building on the fabrications, and created a huge lie that caused my Dad and step-mother to go hysterical.

But hysterical? Really!?!? Why would my step-mother be interested in my business if she hasn't for the last three years? Why would my step-mother take any credence to what my brother is telling her since she has no respect or trust with my brother? The answer lies into everything they are about-- how they've conducted themselves since I was a small child. These people are taken with their own importance (My Dad, the Narcissistic King) and are so insecure they take so much joy in judging others. They insist upon themselves-- and in the process ruin relationships, create so much damage, and cause pain. They are critical parents who will never be kind or approving.

Well, I didn't hold back any of this from my husband. I immediately talked to my husband about the situation, stating that I felt the desire to take my brother down to the airport and drop him off at a Motel 6 until the end of his stay. How could I even look him in the eye!? How could I even sit in the same room as him? I couldn't say anything as I promised my sister-in-law that I would keep it all to myself (she stated that her marriage couldn't endure the drama that this could potentially create), and I completely respect her request. I truly appreciate her openness and also sense of urgency to want to let us know.

My husband agreed to take him to the airport on the morning of his flight, but the rest of his time with us would be AWKWARD. I concentrated all my attention on my child, but I also felt like I was walking in a fog. The day came for him to leave, and although I was more than ready for this EVIL to be out of my house, I was sad about the goodbye as I know it's not just goodbye for now, it's goodbye forever. I can't allow this type of drama, danger, and dysfunction around my child like what happened to me. I will not have another generation cycle through this confusion. I will not have my child trying to figure out what the heck happened to her during her childhood like what happened to me. My child WILL have a happy, care-free, secure, supportive, and unconditionally loving childhood.

So, any thought of allowing my Dad back into my life, even on the superficial level as I was contemplating, has been completely eliminated from my thoughts. Having my brother in my home created the exact results I feared, except the negative actions weren't what I anticipated. No-one has changed. If anything, they have gotten worse. Life is not a game, family members are not pawns, and all the mean, nasty, and hateful behavior is unacceptable in a life that is so short & precious.

What transpired during my brother's visit was a gentle message from above or my guardian angel to not soften-up.... that where I am in my life has been a hard fought battle and that I should guard that happiness, peace, and contentment with all my might... that my child is precious and that a gift like her needs to be protected. I was given the privilege of looking back for one week at what I left: a narcissistic Dad (My Dad, The Narcissistic King), a nasty Queen mother (Understanding My Borderline Mother), a manipulative con-artist brother (Antisocial Personality Disorder), and more. And I say this experience was a privilege because the lesson was immense, no permanent damage resulted, and evil left my home for good.

Now my sweet and simple life continues :)

My Dysfunctional Family Update

So, I thought I would update you all since my last official 'update' was mid-2009 where my Dad hadn't been in contact with my husband, child, and me for 6 months (What Makes My Narcissistic Dad Tick) and my mother had been meddling in my & my brother's affairs indirectly and directly: part one, two, three. Also during this time, my brother went through a crisis, where he alluded to suicide (Adult Child in Crisis with Personality Disorder Parents) and I wrote him a heart-t0-heart letter (Antisocial Personality Disorder: Letter to my Brother).

Since then, my Dad has made no attempt to contact me to see his grand-child (my child) since Christmas 2008 when he got upset that my husband's parents came into town and "ruined" his Christmas because we couldn't come to his house for Christmas. We had invited him to come to our house, and at the last minute, he cancelled via email. We haven't heard from him since. He hasn't tried to see his grand-child (my child) nor tried to cultivate any type of relationship. If he is upset with me or my husband, that is one thing. But to take out his anger on his grand-child is very pitiful and utterly unacceptable.

In regard to my mother since 2009, she and I have remained estranged, and she has made no attempt to contact me. She has, however, become close to my half-sister (my mother's first of three husband's daughter who my mother never knew personally until my mother & I became estranged in 2004). She claims that my half-sister has the same sense of humor and similar interests to mine. I truly think my mother is trying to replace me with this person, which is very creepy and strange. What is additionally creepy and strange: that my half-sister is receptive to my mother when she has her own family (mother, father, brothers, husband, kids).

My brother during all of this time has been battling depression and anxiety. He has yet to hold down a steady job and continually manipulates Dad and mother for money, cell phone service, computer service, etc. He's come to the realization that he's in his 40's now and hasn't made a life for himself. He's a self-proclaimed liar and continues to lie for monetary benefit predominately.

On my end, the last two years has been peaceful. The lack of drama is perfect, the fact I don't have to figure-out contorted mental puzzles is awesome, and life is sweet & simple. Having the manipulations, dysfunction, and toxicity out of my life is something I had been attempting to achieve for decades, and now I have it. My child is growing up in a loving atmosphere that is steady, consistent, and predictable with lots of life lessons, fun, education, and support. My husband and I made every day an adventure and surround our child with so much happiness that the sun shines even at night.

Next, my brother comes to visit... what a perfect reminder of what I have left and how far I have progressed.

Divorcing Your Mean Mother

As a result of the Casey Anthony trial and all the talk surrounding it, I have discovered a new book ("Mean Mothers" by Peg Streep) with a wealth of information regarding daughters of 'mean mothers'. The author shares her experiences and what she's done to handle her 'mean mother'. I also found that this book been a topic of conversation on BPD Family because much of what Peg Streep discusses correlates with the BPD mother (or the sociopath mother, Casey Anthony).

One very poignant section in "Mean Mothers" by Peg Streep is about estrangement, which I frequently get questions about (how to, how long, how to carry on, when does the hurt end, etc) as follows:

But for some daughters – myself included – "divorcing" my mother was the only way I could move forward into a healthy future.

Most daughters who've broken with their mothers acknowledge that this is less a "solution" than a life-saving strategy which only offers partial healing. Whether the separation from a mother's ability to hurt and inability to love occurs because of "divorce" or death, the result falls very short of perfect. Terri's mother died when she was eighteen, ending what had been both a reign of terror and emotional deprivation. But even the abrupt ending wasn't really an ending at all. Her voice low but insistent, Terri tells me," There is always a hole in me that needs to be filled, and can't be. Not the love of my four kids or my husband of twenty-odd years, or my friends fills it. It's always there, like a tear or a hole in fabric. You can put threads in to repair the weave – the threads of other relationships – but the hole is still there."

I know precisely what she means: I will go to my grave, still grieving the mother love I never had and wishing just as hard that I had been born to someone else.

I love what she has to say about the topic, and how she refers to estrangement as 'divorcing' your parent. The term divorcing is one to ponder as we didn't get to select our parent... we were born to her. Due to being born to her, many daughters / sons feel as if they have to remain in a relationship out of respect, religion, or duty. When using the word divorce, the term alludes to CHOICE... that you CHOSE not to take the abuse, dysfunction, toxicity, craziness, manipulations ANY MORE. You chose to separate yourself permanently from the negativity just like you would a spouse.

• You do have a choice of what you let into your life.
• You do have a choice of what influences you.
• You do have a choice of how you allow those around you to treat you.

And by the way, I would rather have the hole of where a mother should fill rather than a hole as a result of continued abuse. One can build a life that is healthy and happy and prosper away from the BPD mother but trying to build a life with an EVER destructive force of the BPD mother is extremely challenging and fatiguing... if not virtually impossible.

What is Childhood Trauma?

I have always viewed my childhood as 'traumatic' ... not just as a memory but even when the situations where actually happening to me as a young child. I always knew that what was happening wasn't normal, that I was in survival mode, and that I would have some issues to deal with when all the dust settled. I distinctively remember at 12 years old upon the moment of calling the police on my parents for a 'domestic disturbance' (they were physically fighting each other at the front door) that I was thinking, "Deep-six-ing everything in order to get past the moment will result in something coming out later." I could feel in the pit of my stomach, in the depth of my being, that I was getting eaten up by the stress, the drama, and the trauma. I knew that brushing it all aside and moving forward without truly addressing what happened would later haunt my brother and me.

So, for years, I went about life during my parents' long, drawn-out, and viscous divorce which encompassed custody battles, possession wars, and using us kids as pawns (Parental Alienation Syndrome). My parents remarried very shortly (within a year) after the divorce to 'ready made' families, so my brother and I were thrust into these 'ready made' families without having comprehended or adjusted to my parents actually being separated and divorced. The 'ready made' families immediately had riffs, battles, and conflicts, making life even more strained and stressed.

Although my mother will deny that our up-bringing has any effect on our adult life (read Blaming Parents for Our Past), nearly every researcher agrees that early childhood traumas lie at the root of most long-term depression & anxiety, and many emotional and psychological illnesses. Severe traumas can even alter the very chemistry and physiology of the brain itself. I have continually stated that I feel as if my brother's life as a dysfunctional adult is part-and-parcel of his upbringing. My mother and Dad both think that he is solely responsible for his mental state, lack of ability to manage his life, and his depression, lack of motivation, & more.

I wasn't left unscarred from my childhood either. I have battled insomnia during peak times of childhood trauma. I have battled anxiety through out my life, waiting for the next bomb to explode in my family. I have sought acceptance and attention from my parents that I will never achieve in receiving. I have searched, researched, dug, and sought understanding of my past, with which my parents have never assisted (my mother is irrational when speaking of the past, and my Dad 'doesn't remember' because he 'doesn't want to', which neither helps when trying to gain peace with the past).

So what exactly constitutes childhood trauma? Did I actually experience childhood trauma? A seminal 1992 American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) report defines childhood abuse as "a repeated pattern of damaging interactions between parent(s) [or, presumably, other significant adults] and child that becomes typical of the relationship." In addition to physical, sexual and verbal abuse, this can include anything that causes the child to feel worthless, unlovable, insecure, and even endangered, or as if his only value lies in meeting someone else's needs.

Examples cited in the report include:

• "belittling, degrading or ridiculing a child; making him or her feel unsafe [including threat of abandonment]; failing to express affection, caring and love; neglecting mental health, medical or educational needs."
• The AAP also includes parental divorce in the list of potentially harmful events which can traumatize a child.
• Moving home frequently is traumatic for a child (it has been linked to suicide in older children)
• Disruptive home life, including having to adapt to a parent's remarriage and being part of a new blended family (perhaps several in the course of childhood).

Reference: What is Childhood Trauma?

Given the information above, my brother and I indeed experienced childhood trauma, namely (1) the repeated pattern of damaging interactions with my parents, (2) parental divorce, and (3) 'disruptive home life' with having to adapt to a parent's remarriage and being part of a new blended family (two in the course of our childhoods). The results are also blatantly clear with my brother who is very depressed and suffers anxiety with panic attacks.

Not only can these childhood traumas cause depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADD/ADHD, but researchers at the CDC have also found that a traumatic childhood can take 20-years off of one's life. The study, which appeared in the November 2009 issue of the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, is the latest in the ongoing 14-year-old Adverse Childhood Experiences Study. The study involved 17,337 adults who became members of Kaiser Permanente, a health care maintenance organization in San Diego, between 1995 and 1997. After visiting a primary care facility at the HMO, they voluntarily filled out a standard medical questionnaire that included questions about their childhood. The questionnaire asked them about 10 types of child trauma:

• Three types of abuse (sexual, physical and emotional).
• Two types of neglect (physical and emotional).
• Five types of family dysfunction (having a mother who was treated violently, a household member who’s an alcoholic or drug user, who’s been imprisoned, or diagnosed with mental illness, or parents who are separated or divorced).

The researchers found that people with six or more of these types of trauma died nearly 20 years earlier on average than those without — 60.6 years versus 79.1 years. In this particular research, neglect was not included. So, a person who has been emotionally abused, physically neglected and grew up with an alcoholic father who beat up his wife would have an ACE score of 4. The significance of the study is that it supports the previous research — that child trauma is an important public health issue, stated David Brown of the CDC.

Research also shows that if a person has one risk factor, he or she usually has another. So, the researchers asked: if risk factors for disease, disability and early mortality aren’t randomly distributed, what influences their adoption or development? In parallel research, the neuroscience community has found that that trauma alters the function and development of children’s brains and nervous systems. Epigeneticists, who study how a person’s experiences turn their genes off and on, have found that trauma can turn on genes that manufacture the chemical stressors that affect the brain.

Traumatized children become hyper-vigilant, edgy, and impulsive with hot tempers. They are unable to focus on their schoolwork, unable to sit still, and regard social interactions as threats. These behaviors can get them in trouble or suspended, and that can lead to engaging in risky behaviors, such as smoking, drinking too much alcohol, workaholism, eating too much, etc., which can affect their health. Each of those descriptors fits what happened to my brother: hyper-vigilant, edgy, impulsive, hot tempered, unable to focus on schoolwork, couldn't sit still, and engaged in risky behavior (smoking, drinking).

Reference: Traumatic Childhood Takes 20 Years Off Life Expectancy

I still believe that one's personality and genetic make-up have a huge effect on who you develop into as a person. Your perspective in life which leads to how you handle your surroundings, thus your stress levels, greatly impacts your health. I recent dove into that topic of Nature vs Nurture And considering that my brother and I both came from the same parents, with the same childhood trauma, and over the same duration, but we both turned out drastically different gives an indication of personality's effect. Regardless of how we turned out as adults and regardless of my mother's and Dad's perceptions of my brother / my childhoods, we did indeed experience childhood trauma: my brother from 7 years old and onward, and for me from 9 years old and onward.

Surviving Childhood Trauma | Nature versus Nurture

So the other day, I read this piece titled "Children Learn What They Live" which lead into an interesting contemplation about Nature vs Nurture regarding how well an individual adjusts as an adult after a abusive / traumatic childhood. So, what does Nature versus Nurture actually mean? This is an essential issue in developmental psychology and describes the association between innateness and environmental influence in terms of the different aspect of development. This is frequently termed as “nature versus nurture” or nativism versus empiricism. A nativist’s view of development is one that is innate, meaning it is dictated by a person’s genes. From an empiricist perspective, development is acquired through an interaction with the environment. First, here's the piece:



If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

A small discussion that proceed on a social networking site between myself & my friend who is also a mother where you can clearly see the viewpoint fluctuate from nurture versus nature:

• me: Key words are tolerance, encouragement, praise, fairness, security, approval, acceptance, and friendship. May I also add: support (which goes along with encouragement above) and love as additional key words.
• friend: So true and a great reminder of what we provide as an environment to our children makes them the people they will become.
• me: My mother always said that the stuff kids endure during childhood does not have a bearing on who we are as adults. She said that we have a choice as an adult to be whoever, which to an extent is true; however, I do believe that an unhealthy environment has long-term consequences on who we are as people and how we deal with the world around us.
• friend: I do have to agree with your mother also. My childhood was not the best and if I lived by the statistics I should be an abusive alcoholic. But thank goodness I chose in my life to be a much different person. So with that being said you could also say that an environment can have extreme result the other way. We can nurture all we want but in the end our children will decide what type of person they wish to be.
• me: I know of people who came from the same parental / childhood experiences (nurture) and both turned out different. Personality (nature) plays a huge part in the equation, just as you said.

My friend's first comment reflects how nurture influences a child's upbringing whereas her second comment supports how nature takes over in who we are. After this little thread of communication, I started to think once again about the effects of both nurture and nature. Do children learn what they live or live what / who they are? First of all, I think Nature versus Nurture is much to simplistic thinking to what molds a person into who he / she is. I also think that both Nature and Nurture are influential as you can read in my post Blaming Parents for Our Past

How my brother and I have adjusted as adults after having the same upbringing is an interesting little case study. We were raised by the same parents but have starkly different lives. Our parents, an NPD Dad and a BPD mother who had a nasty divorce when I was 12 y/o and my brother 10 y/o, have been conditional with their love, selfish parents, and wielding of guilt. We were latch-key kids, thrust into ready-made families when our parents re-married shortly after their divorce, and basically left to fend on our own as our parents engaged in their new lives with their new spouses. Both parents were very selfish, focusing deeply on their own lives rather than raising their children. Both parents also placed the children into situations where they expect us to chose one parent over the other. Our mother was continuously emotionally abusive and our Dad was continuously selfish, pushing us aside on a whim.

As far as my personality and my brother's: I am optimistic, happy, and motivated; my brother is pessimistic, depressed, and highly unmotivated-- these traits could be seen from an early age. I have always been a high-achiever, one who aims to please, and an organized perfectionist. My brother? The complete opposite.

So where have our lives led us?

• I have a Masters degree; my brother didn't graduate from high-school.
  
• I lived independently as a single business woman until my mid-30's when I eventually got married and had a child.
  
• My brother on the other hand has never lived independently, married young, divorced young, has had four children, and is still struggling to manage his life.

My personality definitely supported me through the abusive, challenging, and tough years. My self-confidence, optimism, and motivation kept me focused on getting an education, realizing the situations were created by my parents (not me), and that life will change (and I can make that change happen). Certainly I was affected by my parents selfishness (I have always sought their approval and love), guilt trips (I have had to overcome feelings of guilt throughout my life, especially inflicted by my parents), anxiety (worry and fear of what they were going to pull out of their hat of tricks next-- what situation will be created that I am the fault of?), and defensiveness (immediately being defensive when my Dad would come at me, which I found out I treated situations outside of my relationship with my Dad the same).

My brother, on the other hand, has always exhibited anger issues, depression, lack of motivation, and a defeatist attitude. Compound this personality with self-absorbed parents and traumatic experiences at a very young age, and this child who was seeking approval, attention, and unconditional love from his parents, spiraled further down into a bad spot. He should have had intensive therapy from a young age but he didn't. Then add the trauma of his parents divorce and the emotional torment of Parental Alienation Syndrome, and you have a nasty mix of bad nature and bad nurture.

I had many talks with my mother about my brother, which she gets very defensive saying she did all she could for him when he was a child. My main point to her is that he desperately needed stability and therapy. Her response is always that the stuff my brother endured in his childhood should not have any bearing on who he is as an adult-- that who he is as an adult is his choice. Well, in my opinion, the situation is not that simple. My brother needed medical attention as a child and didn't get it. The medical attention (therapy) would have provided tools and mechanisms that my brother could have used to manage his life and deal with the idiosyncrasies of family life and more. Additionally, both my Dad and my mother did not offer unconditional love and support for my brother during his teenage years. Rather they cast him aside when his behavior became too tough to handle.

So, on one side you have the biology (nature) of the child: personality, genetic psychological disorders, emotional disorders, and drugs / alcohol effects from the mother's pregnancy. On the other side, you have children effected by nature: emotional & physical abuse, divorce, Parental Alienation Syndrome, being latch-key kids, parents with personality disorders / alcoholism / addictions, and more.

• A child could have positive nature with negative nurture and turn out okay (me).
  
• Or you could have a child with negative nature with negative nurture and turn out not okay (my brother).

Or you could have negative nature with positive nurture and turn out not okay as seen in the case with California case: a few years ago a case in California was a headliner and was profiled on the show "60 Minutes". A teenage boy was adopted as a baby, and his adoptive family was very loving and stable by all accounts. The boy had a happy and normal childhood but, unfortunately, when he was 18 y/o he snapped. He raped and murdered a 7 y/o girl, which completely shocked his adoptive parents. From background research into the boy's biological family, his parents suffered from schizophrenia and other severe psychological disorders. The adoption agency hid this from the adoptive parents. Even the boy admitted in an interview that his upbringing or his parents was optimal and that he just had something wrong with him. He blamed himself 100% for the crime.

Some psychologists agree that Nature and Nurture are both major influences to behavior development. Psychologist Robert Plomin said, "But the genetic influence on traits and behaviors is only partial: Genetics account, on average, for half of the variance of most traits. That means the environment accounts for the rest." Nurturing and our environment can alter the effect of our nature (our genes we inherited) if the influence is strong enough. Nature and Nurture mingle and influence traits of everyone. Our genes are important because what we have inherited is essentially the basis of what kind of person we are, but the environment can alter and develop a person even more.

In my opinion, without positive nature (meaning the child is negatively effected by nature), enduring and coming out okay after negative nurture is going to be a very challenge battle. However, if the child has a positive nature, developing into a productive and well-adjusted adult is less of a challenge. And as you saw in the example of the adopted boy in California, nature has a significant impact even if the nurture was positive.

With as much as my parents think that my brother can just make a choice to turn his life around, I believe his mental illness combined with post-traumatic-stress-disorder from the childhood trauma make managing his own life virtually impossible. And on the flip side, people are always asking me how I came out so well-adjusted, happy, and positive after all the trama I have been through with my parents, and I always answer that I have been happy since birth... and that I thank God for allowing me to know I was not responsible for my parents' actions.