Monday, February 2, 2009

Because of You

The following song hit home for me: Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You". The lyrics perfectly define what I went through during my parents' divorce, what I felt like as a result of how I was treated (even though I was a child, I was treated as an adult, made to make adult decisions), and the ramifications of my parents' actions. The song perfectly depicts the effects of a Cluster B personality disorder parent. Cluster B Personality Disorders are evidenced by dramatic & erratic behaviors and include Borderline Personality, Narcissistic, Antisocial, and Histrionic.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid


  1. I just want to say that the first time I heard this song, it hit home to me as well. I heard it in middle school when I was deep in a vat of misery from the destruction of my narcissistic mother's second marriage and the beginning of my father's third marriage to another narcissistic woman. These lyrics summarize everything I've ever felt toward my mother: all the pain she caused me, the battles that I fight in my own head each and every day, the betrayal I feel from never having a true childhood. To this day, I hear this song and begin to reminisce on my childhood (even traumatic events that still occur today) and get overwhelmingly emotional to point of tears.

  2. My mother treated me as if I was an adult when I was such a small child. She tried to lean on me when she shouldn't have ... and I saw so much darkness and negativity in her from such a small age. And life always seemed to surround her and her misery... very selfish and narcissistic. The lyrics really hit home in this song with, "I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain"

    And with the beginning of the song, I have always tried to be myself-- completely separate from her. She tried to make me part of her-- as if I was connected to her as one person. But I have always been acutely aware of the mistakes she made-- mistakes that she made to 'benefit' herself in very selfish and self-serving ways. And ultimately, she condemned me as a young adult for being successful, independent, and NOT making her same mistakes.

    And finally, the lyric, "My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with" ALWAYS gets to me. Since I was a small child, I tried to receive unconditional love from her unsuccessfully. I tried to hold her hand, only to have it pulled away. I said, "I love you Mommy" only to have her respond that we should only say that when we **really** mean it. And I wanted her support and admiration, only to get her looking away. And after three marriages and her demand of my love being shifted from one dad to another, my heart was broken from the start in regard to her.

    Even though my relationship with my mother has been tough, I believe the experiences made me a stronger person all the way around. I may never fully 'get over' not having the mother that is nurturing, loving, and devoted but I have learned that friends are family, love is all around, and happiness comes from within.

    Thanks for sharing about this song. Would love to hear more songs that have touched you like this. All my best :))

  3. Hi!
    Just found ur blog and love it! You mom sounds exactly like mine as does many of ur experiences. As a child/teenager I thought I was the only one with a crazy mother!
    I tried to find out if I could get ur blog sent to me but I cant find out how.
    please take a look at my blog.
    Its called daughtersofmomswithborderline.wordpress.
    I will get familar with ur blog and so far.I LOVE IT!!!!!!

  4. Thank you so much! And I will certainly check out your blog as soon as I get off of here :) Wonderful to connect ... looking forward to hearing more from you. Take care~

  5. ps: found your site... can't wait to read more! Thank you so much for sharing! A pleasure to meet you :))

  6. I just read the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's newer song, "Mr. Know-It-All" ( All I can say is... Dang! How many uncannily apt songs about emotional abuse does this girl have in her repertoire? I'm going to have to research further.

  7. Wow! Thank you! Check out these lyrics: as well as Not everyone will like the music behind the song, but the lyrics are powerful. Thanks for stopping by and referencing that Clarkson's song.

  8. I remember telling my mom that this song reminded me of her and she got so mad at me. I was in high school at the time. Another song that is really great and that I was always able to relate to is "Close My Eyes" by Mariah Carey.

    1. Wow! Thank you so much for sharing the Mariah Carey song! Those lyrics truly hit home:

      Funny how one can learn
      To grow numb to the madness
      And block it away
      I left the worst unsaid
      Let it all dissipate
      And I try to forget

  9. They manage to get it.all.completely.backwards: When we're a Child, we're treated as Adults and when were Adults, we're treated as a Child-every decision we make is criticized, every attempt at Individuation is sabotaged. Mon Dieu! This On-Demand, having to jump back and forth between "Now be a Child, Now be an Adult" is so schizophrenic and of course, impossible to ever do completely to their "satisfaction."
    Great tunes, BTW and Thanks!

    1. Yes yes yes! Completely! "When we're a Child, we're treated as Adults and when were Adults, we're treated as a Child-every decision we make is criticized, every attempt at Individuation is sabotaged."

  10. Thank You for posting the song. I cried buckets at how every words fit. I am 45 and my mother still says in her sing song pretending I love you but I couldn't hate you more tone, "Be careful crossing the street." I told her it upset me that my own mother thinks so little of me that she doesn't think I can successfully cross the street. I also said I was exhausted by her catastrophic thinking, always believing the worst about me and to stop playing out what was obviously her death fantasy of me getting hit by a car. So, of course years later she says it all the time and always to be followed with her Pollyanna sneering "Can't you take a joke?" I have been fighting to break through the fog of abuse and now that I have I see that my responses are pretty much the worst approach ever and I have a lot to learn... And a lot of therapy/personal work to do. Being open and honest about my feelings with my mother has never brought anything but pain and confusion. What a rube I've been. I need to figure out how not to fall back I to the fog. It's like I get my head above the water and I can breathe just fine until they pull me back under. Sorry for the long post. I'm a mess.